House, a urgent one. I need help in solving this one. A friend is finding it difficult connecting with hubby. She had a fall out with her hubby at a time, he wasn't really treating her well (can't go into details) which led to communication gap. Though they are still together and they have resolved issues, she is still finding it very difficult to connect with him sexually. Love making with him is like torture to her.

Please note, It hasn't always been like that from the beginning. I'm out of ideas for her. Please letz have ur comments.thanks.

P.S
For those who will be quick to judge or accuse OP of being d one in d situation, it doesn't really matter to me as long as u provide useful advice.

Resolve the issues completely. Don't push them under the carpet. And do your duty heh.

Now am wondering how and why seun was quick to respond to this one, I don dey suspect yu o, e don happen to u b4 seun?

Seun: Resolve the issues completely. Don't push them under the carpet. And do your duty heh.

and what is her duty as a friend? Lol!

Tgirl4real: House, a urgent one. I need help in solving this one. A friend is finding it difficult connecting with hubby. She had a fall out with her hubby at a time, he wasn't really treating her well (can't go into details) which led to communication gap. Though they are still together and they have resolved issues, she is still finding it very difficult to connect with him sexually. Love making with him is like torture to her.

Please note, It hasn't always been like that from the beginning. I'm out of ideas for her. Please letz have ur comments.thanks.

P.S
For those who will be quick to judge or accuse OP of being d one in d situation, it doesn't really matter to me as long as u provide useful advice.

Not good. Looks like your friend has forgiven her husband but not forgotten. From what you've written, it seems the lady is fast drifting away from her hubby emotionally, and he may not even be aware of it.

If she really wants to save her marriage and get that spark back in it, then she needs to open up and discuss her feelings with him. She needs to let him know how she feels, and they both need to really communicate and get to the root of the problem - before the gap between them widens any further.

Efemena_xy:

Not good. Looks like your friend has forgiven her husband but not forgotten. From what you've written, it seems the lady is fast drifting away from her hubby emotionally, and he may not even be aware of it.

If she really wants to save her marriage and get that spark back in it, then she needs to open up and discuss her feelings with him. She needs to let him know how she feels, and they both need to really communicate and get to the root of the problem - before the gap between them widens any further.

Hmmm . . . you just spoke my mind. I mentioned the issue of forgiving completely but I didn't emphasis it cos of prevailing issues at that time. Her hubby is the type that sees a wife as a wife. She has attempted discussing the issue with him when she started noticing the distance but I don't think it worked.

On a side note now, is it really easy to forget past hurt? Marriage is a sensitive issue. Once the connection is broken, I doubt it can be mended. And if it will be, it wont be easy.

Well, she has to try since they are still together.

Seun: Resolve the issues completely. Don't push them under the carpet. And do your duty heh.

Since you see se.x just as a duty, how can she go about the duty without being frustrated in the process?

mrkels: Now am wondering how and why seun was quick to respond to this one, I don dey suspect yu o, e don happen to u b4 seun?

Seun is my hubby na and he doesn't want our issue to get to that point.

I think Seun nailed the primary problem: unresolved issues; stuff like that eats u up inside. Tg, your friend might wana try some of chaircover's suggestions

Btw, chaircover, i still hate u o.

Thanks CC. Before d issue they had escalated, she could get thru se.x like a routine. She could manage to get by. She took steps for d issues to be addressed by a 3rd party when she noticed d spark had gone and sex had become a bore n she couldn't get husband to see things her way. After d issue was addressed, it became more difficult. So CC, what can she do. Her husband is not that kind of lovey dovey person and also not dat patient.

chaircover: Tgirl if your friend has already had a one to one with the husband which yielded no results, then maybe she wants to get a trusted responsible man to have a word with her husband man to man cos actually the ball is in the husbands court or at the very least they both go for marriage counseling.

I overlooked this part. I will suggest dis to her, but I doubt her husband will agree.

kay9: I think Seun nailed the primary problem: unresolved issues; stuff like that eats u up inside. Tg, your friend might wana try some of chaircover's suggestions

Btw, chaircover, i still hate u o.

What did CC do to u?

Hmm... I will keep u updated CC.

IMHO if nothing was done before to upgrade their bedroom activity, then it will be VERY VERY hard now, to do anything about it. have they been doing the same old stuff for many yrs? how and what exactly did the wife do to make it great for the both of them? you dont lose the spark in one day......it takes months or yrs. so maybe (just maybe) the issue is NOT resolved from his point of view.

furthermore, the fact that you are saying that they are "still" together points to the fact that their issue was a very big one (one that almost broke their marriage)........ and to be able to come back as a happy couple, after such issues, is VERY difficult.

also, the hubby may have been offended by his wifey talking to a 3rd party about their sex issues. if she knows that the hubby is "old school" like that, then she should have searched for other methods to bring back the spark. also it is very possible that the hubby is EQUALLY bored of mounting wifey (or even having someone else to fulfill her bedroom duties)

Ouch! I can't imagine how awful she must feel! :-(

Tgirl from my point of view..i think the lady

- has fallen out of love completely with her hubby. and am sure it was due to the issues they had in the past.it is easy for some people to forgive and compltely forget, why for others na wire!!! let your friend sit and ponder on the issue and let her find herself again, from there she can revive the feelings she once had for him.

- Also, she can start by taking control of what goes down in the bedroom....she should take charge and do it to him the way she likes it. crazy kpekusing would bring out the excitement once again.

MRbrownJAY: IMHO if nothing was done before to upgrade their bedroom activity, then it will be VERY VERY hard now, to do anything about it. have they been doing the same old stuff for many yrs? how and what exactly did the wife do to make it great for the both of them? you dont lose the spark in one day......it takes months or yrs. [/b]so maybe (just maybe) the issue is NOT resolved from his point of view.

[b]furthermore, the fact that you are saying that they are "still" together points to the fact that their issue was a very big one (one that almost broke their marriage)........ and to be able to come back as a happy couple, after such issues, is VERY difficult.

also, the hubby may have been offended by his wifey talking to a 3rd party about their sex issues. if she knows that the hubby is "old school" like that, then she should have searched for other methods to bring back the spark. also it is very possible that the hubby is EQUALLY bored of mounting wifey (or even having someone else to fulfill her bedroom duties)

Out of all you said, the highlighted is very correct.

Btw, what other method would u suggest she use? She has talked about it with him. The intimacy problem arose as a result of other problems not necessarily cos hubby is tired of one style. Her hubby never complained actually. We never can tell sha.

ronkebp: Tgirl from my point of view..i think the lady

- has fallen out of love completely with her hubby. and am sure it was due to the issues they had in the past.it is easy for some people to forgive and compltely forget, why for others na wire!!! let your friend sit and ponder on the issue and let her find herself again, from there she can revive the feelings she once had for him.

You are right Ronke. Truth is, i doubt I can find such spark back if I'm in her shoes.

ronkebp:
- Also, she can start by taking control of what goes down in the bedroom....she should take charge and do it to him the way she likes it. crazy kpekusing would bring out the excitement once again.

I have suggested this before. Though the main issue now is not satisfaction but lack of interest, she had tried that in the past, it didn't really help her. One of the issues they had before was sexual satisfaction, which improved a bit after a 3rd party got involved and spoke to her husband.

I believe the main point u raised is where the problem lies.

chaircover: Tgirl I think your friend needs to take time out and look again at what has caused this. If he has apologized, changed his ways, third partys have got involved and given good advise, then she is going to have to find the inner strength to get this marriage back on track.

Sometines, when things happen in the marriage, one thinks and feel as if its not fair and one is being cheated but these are the ups and downs that we encounter in marriage and we have to within reason learn to forgive and forget when our partners offend us cos we are not perfect beings ourselves.

Yeah CC. I think she had given up at a point. She is just dragging it. The inner strength is what she needs and it seems she can't find it. She is tired of complaining sef. Abi, one can't say leave your husband cos of this na? Can we?

Now back to the sex isssue; Sex is not just for pleasure but it brings couples together too and the relationship will continue to suffer if they cant get through this situation.
The only thing I can suggest is to slow down on attempting to have sex for now (as this is causing more stress) and look at other ways to bring them closer together such as going on dates, create quality time for each other and do fun things together and hopefully gradually they will get closer and closer and start to reconnect again. Make their bedroom as intimate as possible and also try to decrease the occurrence of stressful things in their relationship that are causing more friction.

She had suggested slowing down before, but her husband asked why.lol
He isn't just that kind of person that wants to understand the woman anatomy.

As for the lack of lovey dovey romance, example is the best teacher. Hold his hand, rub his shoulders, rub his head, compliment him and other small gestures of affection and you will find that with time he will do the same for you.

this is a new one. Hopefully it will work.

Thanks CC.

I started this. Your views needed.

https://www.nairaland.com/1002122/marriage-sex-divorce-christianity

Tgirl4real:
Out of all you said, the highlighted is very correct.

so are you 110% sure that they upgraded their bedroom activities regularly? the fact that ONE of them was satisfied, does NOT mean that they were both satisfied.....and since the hubby is not the talkative type, then how could she know?!

same goes for the offense, and can she fully knows that it isnt what triggered the change?
men are a very strange breed, and you can never tell from one to the next.

Btw, what other method would u suggest she use? She has talked about it with him. The intimacy problem arose as a result of other problems not necessarily cos hubby is tired of one style. Her hubby never complained actually. We never can tell sha.

the method of taking the bull by the horn and DEMANDING what she desire.
the method of voicing her concern DURING the bedroom acrobatics.
the method of buying new sexy underwear and surprising him with it (a lapdance or striptease is highly welcomed too)
the method of being physically aggressive about the matter. this issue is soon going to kill their marriage, so if she is not willing to FIGHT for the life of their marriage, then she has no business being in it.

remember, you dont get tired of ONE style, you get tired of doing the same thing over and over again. so, even if they did 20 different style during their bedroom acrobatics, the hubby will STILL get tired of this routine, eventually.

a very important point here is that: if he never cared for her s[b]e[/b]xual wellbeing before, then chances are he wont now. so did he really care about pleasing wifey before, or was he just busting a nut?! many women think that because a man c[b]u[/b]ms, then therefore he is satisfied.....WRONG!!!!! so you need to go back at the source and enquire with this man if he has ever been satisfied with her (or cared for her satisfaction)......or did he just use the first opportunity he had to stop mounting this lady (probably something he wanted to do for a long time).

U got me loling there MBJ. Will be back in a bit.

Hey MBJ, I modified your point that I highlighted. I didn't read it well initially.

MRbrownJAY:

so are you 110% sure that they upgraded their bedroom activities regularly? the fact that ONE of them was satisfied, does NOT mean that they were both satisfied.....and since the hubby is not the talkative type, then how could she know?!

I am not even 100% sure. Much I know is that it improved when it was addressed by a 3rd party but she was still not satisfied.

same goes for the offense, and can she fully knows that it isn't what triggered the change?
men are a very strange breed, and you can never tell from one to the next.

She didn't offend the hubby. Twas the other way round. The main problem is that she doesn't feel the spark for him again. They are good as friends. They gist and still do things together, but when se.x comes in, she freaks out.

the method of taking the bull by the horn and DEMANDING what she desire.
the method of voicing her concern DURING the bedroom acrobatics.
the method of buying new sexy underwear and surprising him with it (a lapdance or striptease is highly welcomed too)

MBJ, how many naija wives really do this?

the method of being physically aggressive about the matter. this issue is soon going to kill their marriage, so if she is not willing to FIGHT for the life of their marriage, then she has no business being in it.

She was aggressive about it. It bothered her so much that is why she involved a 3rd party and it almost broke the marriage.

a very important point here is that: if he never cared for her s[b]e[/b]xual wellbeing before, then chances are he wont now. so did he really care about pleasing wifey before, or was he just busting a nut?! many women think that because a man c[b]u[/b]ms, then therefore he is satisfied.....WRONG!!!!! so you need to go back at the source and enquire with this man if he has ever been satisfied with her (or cared for her satisfaction)......or did he just use the first opportunity he had to stop mounting this lady (probably something he wanted to do for a long time).

First of, he is still demanding sex like he did before they had a fall out. It could be out of obligation though.

Secondly, he had always been a bit selfish about the issue. He wasn't really bothered about her satisfaction. Though I have tried to keep details out, one thing that was the major issue when they had the fall out is se.x. A lot of other things transpired that actually affected their intimacy.

Tgirl...download the 411 of the lady,so we know where to start...what is her appearance like? the truth is, we really do not know the problem so helping her would be a major task...if she was the one that cheated on her husband, then there will not be any attraction especially if she was emotionally attached to that person (just my thoughts though).

if it was the husband, then the lady is still holding grudges and making love to him, would be hell in the sense that her mind would be wondering if he was thinking about "tina", or "was this how he used to handle them"?.

Now if the guy is not a sex guru...a strong lady with bed-prowess will be easily turned off. because it will still be the same issue...just "cum and stand up".

She has to realise that this is her husband and has to do everything possible to bring back that fire.

Tgirl, are you sure this lady isn't emotionally attached to someone else other than her husband?

Because if she is, it would explain a lot. There are situations where a married lady could be having an extra-marital affair outside purely for the s/e/x. She may not even like the guy in question but their attraction would be just on the physical level, more like getting animal satisfaction. I know this sounds crude but you get what I'm saying though.

Note that for a woman in that situation, she won't be able to tell anyone what's going on. Not her friends (you included) and certainly not her family. This would be akin to an inner torture for her. Moreso, if there's someone else in the picture, then that would explain why she's switched off from her hubby. S/e/x with him would simply be a chore to get through. No pleasure to derive from it, no excitement, just a boring task to tick off as completed.

MRbrownJAY:


many women think that because a man c[b]u[/b]ms, then therefore he is satisfied.....WRONG!!!!!

MBJ, how on earth is that possible? I mean about the man not being satisfied even though he...

@ Ronke and Efemena,

I won't like to reveal much cos she has people that know them here on NL, but will try n shed a lil more light on background issues.

1. The issue has nothing to do with extra marital affair. She has no reason to suspect her husband and I think he trusts her too

2. She is a very pretty girl and dresses well. Appearance isn't their issue.

3. I suspect she could be emotionally attached to someone else, but I know she isn't seeing anyone. She is a principled person and her husband is domineering. She can't be caught dead cheating.lol

4. Their issue has to do with emotional/psychological stress. At d early stage of their marriage, hubby wasn't treating her well. Talks to her anyhow, sometimes in public. Compares her with his mom, sisters, friends wives and d likes. He doesn't assist her at home esp when she was preggers and at the early stage after delivery (she had twins and dey hav been married for close to 5 years). He doesn't appreciate her. He believes she is lazy and stuff like that sha. And deosn't spend tym with her. Which wasn't so before marriage. She is the out going type. He also cut her from the outside world. Wasn't allowing her attend functions, even family and church functions. He is also aggressive and impatient. She lived in awe of his cos she doesn't want to cross him. He has a very lousy tongue and sometimes use her past to taunt her.

Long story short, I guess all the accumulated stress started affecting her emotionally and she was losing interest in se.x. It was an unconscious thing though. She discussed it with hubby n he waved it aside. She decided to speak out when she noticed it was fast becoming an issue. Her husband got a hang of it and beat her. That added to her wounds and it became more difficult for her. Eventually, it got out of hand and a 3rd party was involved and issues were addressed and they were both counselled.

Here she is, totally not loving or feeling her husband again, but she is committed to the marriage.

I believe she needs time to recover and sort out her emotions. But how can she do that when hubby is around? Her husband doesn't really understand how deeply he has hurt her with his attitude. He sees everything as normal marital challenges.

I hope I have tried.

maybe the woman in question should stay off sex for awhile then start wit cc's advice. She should as well try to sort out her emotions cos what you have written up there tgirl is a lady that is emotionally injured. It takes time to heal and a lot of courage to go on. I believe she would see it through and sort her marriage out. Thats just my piece

She? Is this about you?

You may be the craziest person I've encountered here.

What would be the harm in leaving your marriage before begining an affair?

That's what I wonder. And the harm is, if you think your marriage sucks and

is abusive now, wait until you get caught, then you'll be in a whole new

world of drama.

Why be with someone who ultimately doesn't give a damn about you? For sex or otherwise? I mean she.

Hmmmmm!!! akiika!!! now i know where the problem lies........SHE HAS FALLEN COMPLETELY OUT OF LOVE. The husband has lost on that one. there is no way you will treat someone like trash and expect them to love you in return. She has no cure for that one, unless he changes and turns a new leaf...if he doesn't he has lost his wife emotionally, mentally and psychologically... she is no longer his wife perse, only on the signed lines of their marraige certificate.

It is going to be a matter of time before she really sleeps with the person she is emotionally attached to and treats her well and when that happens, it is a big 'BYE-BYE' to the current union. she has not opened -up to you yet on how and what she is truely doing with her "real" feelings.

Tgirl4real: Hey MBJ, I modified your point that I highlighted. I didn't read it well initially.
I am not even 100% sure. Much I know is that it improved when it was addressed by a 3rd party but she was still not satisfied.

so if nothing has changed (from his part) and they dont upgrade their bedroom activities, then what does she expect to happen?

She didn't offend the hubby. Twas the other way round. The main problem is that she doesn't feel the spark for him again. They are good as friends. They gist and still do things together, but when se.x comes in, she freaks out.

i read that you talked about her being emotionally attached to someone else?! WTF!!! there lie most of the problem, how can she enjoy her boring old husband when she is wetting her panties just by thinking of some other dude?!

MBJ, how many naija wives really do this?

Tgirl4real, how many 9ja wives are miserable in their marriage but yet suffer in silence?! the day 9ja women decide that ENOUGH IS ENOUGH, is the day some will have much better lives.

She was aggressive about it. It bothered her so much that is why she involved a 3rd party and it almost broke the marriage.

i dont understand you fully, are you saying that her aggressive approach to the issue didnt break the marriage but involving a 3rd party did?!

First of, he is still demanding sex like he did before they had a fall out. It could be out of obligation though.

ok

Secondly, he had always been a bit selfish about the issue. He wasn't really bothered about her satisfaction. Though I have tried to keep details out, one thing that was the major issue when they had the fall out is se.x. A lot of other things transpired that actually affected their intimacy.

so before he wasnt bothered about her satisfaction, BUT SHE WAS SATISFIED ANYWAY?!

Seriously Tgirl, i really do not know how people take verbal abuse from their spouses and just keep silent. I can't, i am not created to. i really wanna take it and keep quiet for "peace sakes". By the time i am quiet...you will just hear an exploding sound ""kpaoooo!!!!" that means my head emotions, anger has exploded....no way, you will verbally abuse me infront of friends and family and i will keep quiet for you. "that guy would smell his mama yansh" that day, by the time i am done with him.

Now!!! this is the result, pent-up feelings/emotions have turned...you can't touch me in the bedroom.

I had a cousin who did the same thing....for long, for like 10 years...she just packed herself and 2 children one day and fled. and there is no way she is going back to her hubby, because all the feelings she once had were no where to be found.