I have been married to my husband for 5 years. He is the eldest of a family of five. Even before we got married my husband always told me about his responsibility to he younger siblings and always made it clear that he would like at least one of them to join us here in the UK. I never had a problem with this and actually thought that it would be good for him to have a sibling in the same country that could help to share the family responsibility.

Finally in August 2010 his Mum, his sister and his youngest brother were granted a visiting visa. His sister came to live with us in September 2010 and his brother joined us in December 2010. My husband's Mum visited in December 2010 and stayed for one month before returning to Nigeria. In January 2011 we applied for EEA residence cards for the two siblings and these were granted in May 2011.

My husband's brother lived with us until October 2011 when we asked him to leave because he had been stealing small amounts of money from my purse, ad had also been expecting my husband and I to continue to financially support him even though he a part time job! Anyway, that matter was resolved and things are once again amicable between us and the brother. My husband's sister continues to live with us in our two bedroom house and she shares a bedroom with my daughter.

So far, so manageable.

Fast forward to this Summer. My husband submitted a request for an EEA family permit for his mother and his remaining unmarried sister to join us in the UK. I told my husband that I was unwilling to have financial responsibility for another of his family members. He agreed and said that his Mum and his sister could stay with his younger brother and just come to visit us occasionally. He also said that we would have no financial responsibility towards his Mum and sister and claimed that this would be the taken care of by his younger brother and the sister that lives with us. I felt that this was reasonable and agreed to sponsor the application.

His Mum's visa was granted But his siter's visa was refused. His Mum arrived o. The 01st June 2012 and has been living with us since. We've been financially responsible for her since. When she arrived in London she didn't have 1 kobo to her name. For the first three weeks that she was here, my daughter had to share a room with my husband's Mum and his sister. The sister has moved out temporarily because she has secured work for the Olympic Period. however as soon as the Paralympics finish she will no longer be accommodated by her employer and will have to move back in. I don't know when my mother-in-law will return to Nigeria because We submitted an EEA residence card application to UKBA for her and they have up until the end of December to reply.

So here is the problem - I want my house back. I want to live in it with my husband and my daughter only. I am tired of living with my mother-in-law who speaks very little English. I am tired of her planning how many things she wants to buy before returning to Nigeria (with our money of course). I am tired of her asking when we will invite her remaining daughter to come and live with us. I am also tired of her moaning about how boring life in the UK is. Very very fed up.

Also feel that now that my sister-in-law is working that she should find her own place to live. After all, she's been with us for almost 2 years.

The problem is that my husband thinks that it is entirely normal that I be accepting of his family. He does not understand, or maybe chooses not to understand, when I tell him that I want control of my home.

How can I effectively manage this situation without causing a war with my husband?

Thanks!

You can effectively manage it by working on putting up with it for as long as it has to be. You agreed to it, so unfortunately there is not much else you can do.

I agreed that his Mum could come to the UK definitely. But our agreement was that she would stay with his younger brother and then visit us once a week or so. I never agreed that she could come and live with us while she was waiting for her residence card to be granted.

Unfortunately, you opened the door and so you have to live with it. If you were oyinbo, I would have said you could put your foot down and say she should leave. But since you are Nigerian and knowing how fragile many Nigerian marriages really are with things of this nature, I say you just put up with it for as long as you need to.

It really is sad that when it comes to issues such as this, we do not allow ourselves room to change our minds. I mean I can almost see how it is likely to go. You push for her to leave and your husband decides to side with his mother over his wife and the next thing you know, your wonderful marriage goes to hell right in front of your eyes. And you are left wondering what the f* happened.

I'm not Nigerian! I am oyinbo!

Mrs.Oyibo:
I'm not Nigerian! I am oyinbo!

Oh, ok!! Then I say if you feel your grip on your man is solid enough . . .then tell him and maybe you two can come to a decision on a date for her to leave and how.

Now this is sad that a Nigerian woman does not really have the same privileges that an Oyibo would in her husband's home. Sad . .

Actually, why is your advice different because I'm oyinbo? The only argument that I see that I have over a Nigerian woman is that living with extended family members could in no way be construed to be a cultural norm for me.

Mrs.Oyibo:
Actually, why is your advice different because I'm oyinbo? The only argument that I see that I have over a Nigerian woman is that living with extended family members could in no way be construed to be a cultural norm for me.

Living with extended family is NOT a cultural norm in Nigeria either. It is just something some people allow and many LIVE WITH. In many cases, the woman is forced to LIVE WITH and tolerate the husband's family because she is afraid that if she revolts it might mean trouble for the marriage, and ultimately the end of the marriage. Now the women, on occasion take advantage(they also invite their own family members), but it is not viewed in the same way. The husband can decide they should leave anytime he wants, and with little or no consequence.

Nigerian women, unfortunately, still have a long ways to go when it comes to being considered EQUALS in their marriages. Ultimately, it depends on the woman, and how determined she is to be seen as an equal partner in the relationship.

Maybe the issue is not Nigerian women but Nigerian men. I feel reluctant to discuss this issue in great detail with my husband because I am also afraid that if I Put my foot down that the marriage would fail. My husband adores his Mum and thinks that she can do no wrong. He tells me that he's Always happy for my parents to come and visit us. And that I should be equally welcomig to his Mum. However, he fails to remember that my parents visit for a maximum of two weeks and that hey are financially independent.

I just feel like his younger brother is taking the p**s by not accommodating this woman. And I feel that my husband is more concerned about saving face with his Mum than he is with ensuring that our nuclear family is happy. But as u said initially, if I do say anything then it's bound to affect my marriage. The trouble is that I am not very good at holding my tongue and I fear that one day soon I will explode and that my mother-in-law will get the brunt of it

Did I mention that my husband and his siblings all work 12 hours a day and that I am the one who is at home with my mother in law all day long..............

Mrs.Oyibo:
Maybe the issue is not Nigerian women but Nigerian men. I feel reluctant to discuss this issue in great detail with my husband because I am also afraid that if I Put my foot down that the marriage would fail. My husband adores his Mum and jinks that she can do no wrong. He tells me that he's Always happy for my parents to come and visit us. And that I should be equally welcomig to his Mum. However, he fails to remember that my parents visit for a maximum of two weeks and that hey are financially independent.

Ofcourse there is a problem with the Nigerian male's ego in this however that ego is not going to disappear if the women do not take their rightful place in these relationships. Equality in a relationship does not automagically come on a platter of gold. Woman need to demand it and work to make sure it is not overruled.

There are so many non-Nigerian men who adore their mothers too, but they also realize that once they are married, they CANNOT then impose the woman on their marriage. If YOU allow your husband to do that, that is your choice. You do not have the Nigerian factor against you as you have made clear. . . so I believe it is your choice to allow him love his mother to the point of making her the third person in your relationship.

Mrs.Oyibo:

I just feel like his younger brother is taking the p**s by not accommodating this woman. And I feel that my husband is more concerned about saving face with his Mum than he is with ensuring that our nuclear family is happy. But as u said initially, if I do say anything then it's bound to affect my marriage. The trouble is that I am not very good at holding my tongue and I fear that one day soon I will explode and that my mother-in-law will get the brunt of it
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Did I mention that my husband and his siblings all work 12 hours a day and that I am the one who is at home with my mother in law all day long..............

Again, these are your feelings and your choices. I only said it affects your marriage if you are a Nigerian. Since you are not,I believe the rules are different, and will depend to a great deal on the kind of relationship YOU have chosen to build with your husband. If you want him to treat you as if you are another Nigerian women, your choice. If you want to put your foot down, your choice. You have to know what bond exists between you two and how far you can push for what you want.

You would have to call your husband for a talk and spill it out just like you did here.

He would have to relocate his family out of that place cos since 2010, No on e would say you did not try

Unfortunately for you, you both accepted to help. Not that, that gesture is not appreciated i think it is. Since mama is complaining about how boring it is, maybe you should ask her what she wants to do. Does she want to work, or go to naija and start a business which you will both support and help her start? Maybe a shop with little provisions. You can ring this into her ears constantly to convince her it was her own decision. Also, try and help the other siblings look for stable work so that they can move out and maybe share one flat with their mum. The Economy right now is very bad all over the world. Everyone is adjusting and taking up a lot of responsibility to survive and scale through. Come to an agreement in your own way and try to help to settle everyone. Goodluck.

I agree, have that ''we must talk meeting'' and stand your ground. You've tried your best.

dayokanu: You would have to call your husband for a talk and spill it out just like you did here.

He would have to relocate his family out of that place cos since 2010, No on e would say you did not try

dayo, you hear

armyofone: I agree, have that ''we must talk meeting'' and stand your ground. You've tried your best.


dayo, you hear

We both agree on a lot of things, I think our difference are just in the number of times we need to Kongo daily. i think 2 times a weekday and 3 times per weekend

But you think twice a week is ok.

This is one of the situations where prevention is better than cure. You can't reasonable expect your husband to kick his mother out. With the sister, you and your husband need to do all you can to make sure she gets a job, so she can move out. With the mother, you have to be a bit patient. All I can say is that you learn your lesson, and in the future, use your leverage when it matters the most i.e. before the relative moves in.

Original poster...

You need to talk to your husband not Nairaland. There is nothing that we can do for yoh but offer opinions and theories.

You need to either draw the line and let them know enough is enough or deal with it.

Your choice.

My dear don't mind some of this commentators, this is a fragile situation u have to manage with care, if his mother suffered for him like mine then you need to be careful not to create the wrong impression, A true son can't kick out his mother because of the reasons u gave above, so wake your husband at the middle of the night and discuss it with him, giving him logical reasons why you want her to go. But finally talk true, u no be Oyibo

When it comes to matters like this,I always distance myself cos I don't like being involved in someone's marital affairs.if you are seeking for advice on Nairaland you are just gonna get more confused.its between you and your husband.both of you should solve the problem together.you might find it complex but its definitely an easy thing to tackle.Goodluck!

Kobojunkie: Unfortunately, you opened the door and so you have to live with it. If you were oyinbo, I would have said you could put your foot down and say she should leave. But since you are Nigerian and knowing how fragile many Nigerian marriages really are with things of this nature, I say you just put up with it for as long as you need to.

It really is sad that when it comes to issues such as this, we do not allow ourselves room to change our minds. I mean I can almost see how it is likely to go. You push for her to leave and your husband decides to side with his mother over his wife and the next thing you know, your wonderful marriage goes to hell right in front of your eyes. And you are left wondering what the f* happened.

She is Oyinbo already. Dont u see her name up there?

There is no one size fits all answer to this, but I will look at it from the angle of being from the western part of Nigeria where it is an acceptable thing to have members of your extended family stay in at one point in time or another. However, there needs to be a balance between helping your family members and building your own family values which I agree at times needs to be done without "strangers" around. But also, you need to balance that with the cutural values of communal living, brotherhood, helping one another ingrained in how we are brought up wether you are from an affluent or lesser affluent background. Hence my conclusion is you need to sit with your husband, have objective discussions around it and understand his own premise as well. Then come to a conclusion together that works for all parties.

Having addressed the issue, I should also mention that I see an undertone that your husband's mother and people are not fully accepted into your own circle as your own family too. This could be due to frustations but you need to control your expectations and psychology - do not let the situation turn you into what you arent as this would affect the relationship between you and your hubby.

Lastly, I usually look at things from this angle - Our parents most likely do not have as much time to live again (including your parents and your mother inlaw) -I would do anything on earth to make my parents, inlaws and my own family etc happy because one day that phase will pass and they wont be there again. Its an opportunity and its not forever. The next phase - you will be a mother inlaw too and grow aged (IJN).

FInd a balance - most likely, a good choice is to take everything in your strides and show the love. Because of your husband - my advise is persevere and endure the situation.

I wish you best of luck

I advice that you get a job. I believe your husband feels that since he is the sole breadwinner of the family, he can get away with a lot of things. You need to calmly let him know that the living arrangement is not working out. Agreed, a lot of Nigerian guys really adore their family and feel a strong sense of responsibility but he is doing them no favors by making them dependent on your family. Also you need to make it clear that everyone in his family (referring to his brother who now lives on his own and the sister who is working) need to share the responsibility of his mom's upkeep.

You don't have to be confrontational about this. You can be very calm and look the adult here instead of seeming like the nagging selfish foreign wife. If after a while, this problem still persists, I advice you go stay at your parents' for a while with your kid and then you issue him an ultimatum. The law and British society norms is on your side concerning this. I am a Nigerian man but seriously, there are some things that are not just acceptable. People need to have a sense of responsibility for their own personal well-being and also be considerate about people around you. Wish you luck on this.

@Kobo, you write very well, and intelligently too. Wish I could be half as good.

@oyibo, to even come to seek for advice on a Nigerian forum shows you're a very considerate person. Keep it up. Unfortunately, I don't have any advice to give as I'm not intellectually capable, sorry. And goodluck resolving this.

@Mrs.Oyibo, how old is your mother in-law?

Oyibo,
Talk wit ur hubby?tell him hw u feel in a mild manner.d sista can b made to move bt not d mother.
If dat doesn't work den cum up wit responsibilities dat u have.wen a man is being unreasonable,u subtly follow suit.even hia in africa,dia men who refuse livin wit dir relatives.
If its possible for u to stop work,den do it.let him feel d brunt of carryin all d responsibilities den perhaps he will learn n b reasonable

Get a job and start contributing financially to your family, then let your husband know the inconvenience you experience about crowding his family members on your nuclear family. I personally cannot live in that kind of environment unless there is so much space for everyone.

Your husband appears selfish. Must every member of his family come and live in UK at your cost

I must say that you allowed it. Had you known it would come to this, you shouldnt have allowed it at first. Maybe that would have bridled him. Tell him what you just told us and get his reactions. Dont show emotions when discussing this issue with him and let him know how seriously you take it. If he is sensible enough, he should correct himself, dont give him ultimatums. Nigerian men dont like being challenged by their wives.

I wish you goodluck.

Kick her out and back to Nigeria. My siblings are not and will never be my responsibility, I have rejected that notion from the start. I am responsible for my 2 children only. If my parents couldnt afford 6 children - why the hell did they bring us to the world? they use this cultural be your brothers keeper nonsense to shelve responsibility. Never tolerated any of this from my family and my wife's family. I have a lot to show for my hardwork today and they all respect me more.

This is a critical issue...if you're not touched, pleased don't comment.
Firstly, I would advice you apply wisdom in dealing with this. Even though you've endured a lot already, don't use violence. Honestly, I expected your hubby to have reasoned with you without you telling him anything. Let him consider your plight. The question is..is Nigeria that bad that a grandmother will be staying out for long? Suggest to him about making her mother very comfortable in Nigeria NOT in UK. But please, don't involve a third party to this yet. Good luck!

Depending on how old and healthy your mother-in-law is, this might even be to your advantage. Find a job and employ her to take care of the home and the children. If she is a good person i don't think she will object to the arrangement since the cost of nanny's and househelp is on the high side over there.

^^^Damn! your family members must be really afraid of you.