Dear NLers:
I am at the verge of divorcing my wife,facts leading to this decision will not be mentioned here for some reasons.However,i am really concerned about the two kids who are products of this marriage considering the fact that they will be growing up in a single parent home.I am looking at how best to help this kids living up their dreams,Sarah is 5 and wants to be a pilot,Anabel is 3 and wants to be a Doctor.I am not contesting the custody of the kids considering their age and the fact that i will not have time to look after them.Please i want advice on measures i can put in place to ensure this children grow up achieving their dreams.

Whatever reason there is, don't divorce your wife atleast for the kids sake. Revisit the reason you married her in the first place and that might just help you to get over whatever she has done to get you filing for a divorce. You may never find a life as good as the one you have with her anymore. Have a rethink.

Sorry for your divorce, I hope you both find peace and happiness you couldnt find with each other.
That being said, it is a good step that the kids and their welfare are your priority. First step is that both you and your wife realise that you are adults who made a mistake and your kids shouldnt suffer for that mistake.
Dont get them in the middle of your issues, dont discuss your issues with them, just tell them mummy and daddy may not be together but mummy and daddy still love you, that has not changed.
try and be civil with each other for the kids sake, dont curse abuse and fight dirty when they are there or on matters concerning them.
Make adequate monthly provision for your kids the same live style they were accustomed to should not fall because you want to punish your wife.
Discuss visitation with your wife and if two of you cannot agree go to social welfare and seek for a mediator, who will help you both draw an agreement when they can visit you and when you can visit them. That you dont want custody shouldnt make you totally out of their lives, share birthdays and holidays, let them soend at least 2 weekends a month with you.
Make time while they are with you to go over their school work and catch up on thier friends gist and other things they may want to share.
Best wishes, I hope i helped

@ debrief.
I always reading your posts,they are always so practical and realistic. No sentiments,just straight to the point. Kudos. Your family must be proud to have you.
Keep up the good work,madam.

[quote author=debrief08]Thanks for your contribution.

I had 2find ur topic after u briefly discussed abt ur marriage in one thread. I feel ur pains and i quite know that its not easy esp when u loose confidence in ur wife.

For d sake of ur tender kids atleast,i advise that divorce is not an ultimate in marriage. Its brings stigma and prevent u from alot of tins esp in terms of church. You hv taken a vow, for better and for worse. Its ur cross bro. Devise a means of carrying it to soften it for u. So many people out there are in d same shoes with u but d vow they made b4 God keeps them together. U could opt for separation or prolong/ indefinite suspension atleast to get ur children to real adult age. If u shld go for another girl tomorrow, what assurance have u that she will not be worse?

Find a reason to keep urself happy in d marriage and motivate ursf to carry on bro, by that u can hv peace of mind. Close ur ears to all gossips and ignore her, i bet u, one day, God will arrest her for. Think of all d negative aspects of divorce before u make a move.

Goodluck.

I know you might have gone through alot for u 2 consider divorce as the only option but for the sake of the kids try and make peace with her. Are you a christian ?

[quote author=safeact][b]I had 2find ur topic after u briefly discussed abt ur marriage in one thread. I feel ur pains and i quite know that its not easy esp when u loose confidence in ur wife.

For d sake of ur tender kids atleast,i advise that divorce is not an ultimate in marriage. Its brings stigma and prevent u from alot of tins esp in terms of church. You hv taken a vow, for better and for worse. Its ur cross bro. Devise a means of carrying it to soften it for u. So many people out there are in d same shoes with u but d vow they made b4 God keeps them together. U could opt for separation or prolong/ indefinite suspension atleast to get ur children to real adult age. If u shld go for another girl tomorrow, what assurance have u that she will not be worse?

Find a reason to keep urself happy in d marriage and motivate ursf to carry on bro, by that u can hv peace of mind. Close ur ears to all gossips and ignore her, i bet u, one day, God will arrest her for. Think of all d negative aspects of divorce before u make a move.[/b]



Thanks for your post,i have endured this and i am loosing my sense of balance.It is better i divorce and live with my complete senses at least the children will still have a father to call theirs than loosing my senses because i want to stay in the marriage because of the children.Marrying another woman is out of it right now,i just want to have my life back.

I think Debrief has given you excellent advice.

[quote author=proudlyafrican][/quote]

Its all ur choice to make! But b4 u finally do, employ ur mind and not ur emotions atleast u hav d clearer pix of everything than all of us. U can still seek d services of a qualified counsellors and possibly pray and fast for atleast for 9days for God's direction.

Goodluck in ur choice!

@ Poster, I know you don't want to go into details about why you are getting a divorce, but it will be nice to check for the signs below in your marriage, before you go ahead.

Source: Yahoo
"There are flags that wave when a divorce is highly likely. You may note a few of these in your marriage right now. If you see a few, the marriage is salvageable. However, the more you have, the harder it will be to salvage the marriage.

If many of these 14 flags are waving, you would be wise to consider letting it go. It sounds broken.
1. Has it become impossible to talk to your spouse without it turning into a full-blown argument?
2. Does your spouse curse you in front of your children?
3. Does your spouse threaten you?
4. Does your spouse have friends of the opposite sex that they demand they see even at your request that it makes you insecure or threatened?
5. Does your spouse abuse alcohol and or money in an addictive manner without trying to get help? This problem can jeopardize your life, as well as your children's.
6. Does your spouse use discipline in a hurtful, abusive way with your children?
7. Does your spouse respect you? Do they talk down to you, or make you feel lower than them?
8. Does your spouse belittle your career and make fun of you?
9. Does your spouse resist personal growth? Do they want you to stay the same, even though you are a living thriving being? This is symbolic of a controlling person; they are also usually very insecure.
10. Does your spouse no longer desire you sexually? Do they resist by pointing out your faults? Do they compare you to other more desirable spouses?
11. Has your partner changed ethically or morally in a way that is not as loving and giving?
12. Does your spouse avoid any opportunity to bring harmony or joy to the family?
13. Has your spouse been unhappy for so long that they have already given up on the marriage?
14. Has your spouse told you they don't love you anymore, but are staying for the children's sake? Children are happy if parents are happy."

Updated
Other signs to watch out for:
* Verbal abuse
* Name calling
* Constant criticism
* Constant put downs
* Deliberately undermining and/or embarrassing someone in front of others
* Playing 'mind games'
* Blaming you for the abuse
* Denying that the abuse is happening
* Acting one ('nice') way in public and another ('nasty') way in private
* Lying to others about what is really going on in the relationship

MrBible: @ Poster, I know you don't want to go into details about why you are getting a divorce, but it will be nice to check for the signs below in your marriage, before you go ahead.

Source: Yahoo
"There are flags that wave when a divorce is highly likely. You may note a few of these in your marriage right now. If you see less than two, the marriage is salvageable. However, the more you have, the harder it will be to salvage the marriage.

If many of these 14 flags are waving, you would be wise to consider letting it go. It sounds broken.
1. Has it become impossible to talk to your spouse without it turning into a full-blown argument?
2. Does your spouse curse you in front of your children?
3. Does your spouse threaten you?
4. Does your spouse have friends of the opposite sex that they demand they see even at your request that it makes you insecure or threatened?
5. Does your spouse abuse alcohol and or money in an addictive manner without trying to get help? This problem can jeopardize your life, as well as your children's.
6. Does your spouse use discipline in a hurtful, abusive way with your children?
7. Does your spouse respect you? Do they talk down to you, or make you feel lower than them?
8. Does your spouse belittle your career and make fun of you?
9. Does your spouse resist personal growth? Do they want you to stay the same, even though you are a living thriving being? This is symbolic of a controlling person; they are also usually very insecure.
10. Does your spouse no longer desire you sexually? Do they resist by pointing out your faults? Do they compare you to other more desirable spouses?
11. Has your partner changed ethically or morally in a way that is not as loving and giving?
12. Does your spouse avoid any opportunity to bring harmony or joy to the family?
13. Has your spouse been unhappy for so long that they have already given up on the marriage?
14. Has your spouse told you they don't love you anymore, but are staying for the children's sake? Children are happy if parents are happy."

Updated
Other signs to watch out for:
* Verbal abuse
* Name calling
* Constant criticism
* Constant put downs
* Deliberately undermining and/or embarrassing someone in front of others
* Playing 'mind games'
* Blaming the you for the abuse
* Denying that the abuse is happening
* Acting one ('nice') way in public and another ('nasty') way in private
* Lying to others about what is really going on in the relationship

What I find laughable is the fact that your moniker there suggests you are Bible-Educated. Cause many of what you listed above are things you find in your typical marriage . . . not sure why you ignore what the Bible really says of this.

safeact:

Its all ur choice to make! But b4 u finally do, employ ur mind and not ur emotions atleast u hav d clearer pix of everything than all of us. U can still seek d services of a qualified counsellors and possibly pray and fast for atleast for 9days for God's direction.

Goodluck in ur choice!

Great advice!

Kobojunkie:

What I find laughable is the fact that your moniker there suggests you are Bible-Educated. Cause many of what you listed above are things you find in your typical marriage . . . not sure why you ignore what the Bible really says of this.

Updated
I have noticed that alot people like men and women that "Act one ('nice') way in public and another ('nasty') way in private" These kinds of people tend to get more support from most people and even from pastors.

The Bible allows divorce if it is for marital unfaithfulness. Most of the things I have listed above should also count as marital unfaithfulness

MrBible:

I have noticed that alot people like men and women that "Act one ('nice') way in public and another ('nasty') way in private" These kinds of people tend to get more support from most people and even from pastors.

The Bible allows divorce if it is for marital unfaithfulness. Most of the things I have listed above should also count as marital unfaithfulness

Most of what things? Heck, when I look again at the list you have there, a lot of them are NORMS in society . . . there are people who tolerate a lot of that from mere friends and do just fine after the phase is over. Not sure why it should be grounds for divorce in a relationship supposed to be so many times stronger than the mere friendships they had while growing up.

Kobojunkie:

Most of what things? Heck, when I look again at the list you have there, a lot of them are NORMS in society . . . there are people who tolerate a lot of that from mere friends and do just fine after the phase is over. Not sure why it should be grounds for divorce in a relationship supposed to be so many times stronger than the mere friendships they had while growing up.

Mind you that friendship is not the same as mariage. In a mariage if the man and the woman cannot become one, then there is no marriage and they are just living together for the sake of the kids or for other reasons. In such a situation if the children will not suffer then divorce might be the only solution.

MrBible:

Mind you that friendship is not the same as mariage. In a marriage if the man and the woman cannot become one, then there is no marriage and they are just living together for the sake of the kids or for other reasons. In such a situation if the children will not suffer then divoice might be the only solution.

um . . . There is no such thing as "in a marriage, if the man and the woman cannot become one" . . . No, Marriage means they have become one . . . that happens once they are married, not later. Please check your Bible for information on how this works.

When two people decide to get married, it becomes imperative that they BOTH do all they will to ensure the survival of their relationship given that the only way they have out of it is if the marriage contract is breached by one or both partners.In that wise, marriage is SO MANY TIMES STRONGER than a mere friendship since you cannot dump your partner or walk out simply because you both disagree or do not see eye to eye. That is why people are adviced to ensure THEY are ready before saying "I DO". It is not enough that you are sure the other person is ready . . you also need to make sure YOU ARE READY!

proudlyafrican: Dear NLers:
I am at the verge of divorcing my wife,facts leading to this decision will not be mentioned here for some reasons.However,i am really concerned about the two kids who are products of this marriage considering the fact that they will be growing up in a single parent home.I am looking at how best to help this kids living up their dreams,Sarah is 5 and wants to be a pilot,Anabel is 3 and wants to be a Doctor.I am not contesting the custody of the kids considering their age and the fact that i will not have time to look after them.Please i want advice on measures i can put in place to ensure this children grow up achieving their dreams.

when u married her did you broadcast on NL, now you are seeking divorce you are quick to shout on nairaland... Guy remember you marriage vows till death do us part... Get a life dude .. you are just being immature with was ever both of you are going through.. Divorce never solves anything it makes things worse...

free2ryhme:


when u married her did you broadcast on NL, now you are seeking divorce you are quick to shout on nairaland... Guy remember you marriage vows till death do us part... Get a life dude .. you are just being immature with was ever both of you are going through.. Divorce never solves anything it makes things worse...

A problem shared is a problem halved. Some of the advice here will help the poster to make his decision.

free2ryhme:


when u married her did you broadcast on NL, now you are seeking divorce you are quick to shout on nairaland... Guy remember you marriage vows till death do us part... Get a life dude .. you are just being immature with was ever both of you are going through.. Divorce never solves anything it makes things worse...

Thanks for your post.However,i am not seeking for advice on divorce,i clearly stated that i don`t want to dabble into the issue that led to my decision because it is personal and private.The advice i have come to sought is how best to assist the kids to live up their dreams after our divorce?

All the best

proudlyafrican: Dear NLers:
I am at the verge of divorcing my wife,facts leading to this decision will not be mentioned here for some reasons.

I'll come back to this

proudlyafrican:
However,i am really concerned about the two kids who are products of this marriage considering the fact that they will be growing up in a single parent home.

You should be concerned about all parties involved, the fruit of your union, the woman you took vows with and of course yourself.

Depending on where you are domiciled, that single-parent home may be with the father or mother. Depending on the degree of acrimony/harmony in any separation, court rulings and individual circumstances, the long-term impact on the kids may vary from mild to severe, but rest assured there will be some impact. Same applies to the husband and wife.

proudlyafrican:
I am looking at how best to help this kids living up their dreams,Sarah is 5 and wants to be a pilot,Anabel is 3 and wants to be a Doctor.

Simply put, the best way to help your Sarah and Anabel is to restore the harmony and engender a healthy home with their mother. Anything else is a distant second and to be frank, not actually about them.

proudlyafrican:
I am not contesting the custody of the kids considering their age and the fact that i will not have time to look after them.Please i want advice on measures i can put in place to ensure this children grow up achieving their dreams.

Apart from voluntary/court mandated contributions to upkeep and agreed contact time, you will have little input and less say.

You say you are at the "verge of divorcing". I would urge you to reconsider and make every attempt to reconcile with your wife. Certainly for the long-term best interest and realisation of the dreams of your children, which is your stated aim/priority.

Appreciate you may have considered every measure exhausted and the decision may well be mutual. In that case the "divorce vultures" - who I see are already circling - will be on hand with break-up templates and roadmaps for splitting.

I wish your family all the best in this trying time.

Regards
TV

Something is wrong with the "adults" on this section.

OP asked for tips on how to manage his kids after divorce, people are offering decent advises and guess what? They suddenly are the ones that put the divorce idea in the op's head. They are even called names? Says a lot about us.

What if divorce is the only viable solution now for the OP?he should stay in the marriage till he kills his wife someday?or vice versa. We should save our sermons till when its needed and focus on the thread.

@OP, goodluck on whatever decisions you take! Its your life, you'll be the one to live and deal with the consequences of your actions.

All your comments are well appreciated as i still hope to get more advice particularly on the welfare of the children.

proudlyafrican: All your comments are well appreciated as i still hope to get more advice particularly on the welfare of the children.

A̶̲̥̅♏ not α̲̅ party τ̲̅ȍ ϔ☺ΰя̩̥̊ divorce. During ma marriage course, there are certain tins that can lead τ̲̅ȍ divorce or separation:
(1) importency, U̶̲̥̅̊ said U̶̲̥̅̊ hav children!
(2) Death, ϔ☺ΰя̩̥̊ partner ΐƨ̣̣̣̇̇̇̇ still alive even if she ΐƨ̣̣̣̇̇̇̇ mad, we still don't recognise ɪ̣̝̇τ̩̩̥
A̶̲̥̅♏ coming, let ♍ƺ consult ma book...

You may want to share why you are getting divorced. Advise on how to raise your kids and arrangements after divorce can be determined by this. At least we can understand income ability, living arrangements, and temperament of each spouse. We can also advice to see if it can be salvaged.

OP, sorry for d emotional n mental torture/trauma u may have gone thru, dat has led to ur decision to get a divorce. Asking for suggestions for ur kids' welfare is somewhat funny cos ur kids will neva fare well as they would av fared growing up in a balanced home,wt both parents...it immediately tells on their psyche dat mummy n daddy r no longer 2geda(and they r very intelligent n sensitive not minding their ages), they go thru som mental battles trying to understand y d trend they were born into has suddenly changed(rem even from infancy,kids resist change a lot), as such they wl ask a LOT of questions. Ryt now they see u both as their role models n will mirror ur actions n tendencies to a large extent...and d scripts that are written early in life r difficult to re-write...ur duty isn't only to ensure dat Sarah turns out a pilot n d other turns out a doctor...u av a responsibility to make sure they attain adulthood well balanced,educationally,
Morally,psychologically,socially(yes divorce even has an impact on dia social life) etc.

I once read somewhere that there is no earthly pain that heaven cannot heal...please ask for help from above, God's grace is sufficient. Seek a session or two with a counsellor...don't think like a defeatist or a realist, think like an optimist THERE WILL SURELY BE LIGHT AT THE END OF D TUNNEL...just tell d Holy spirit to commence work.
CHEERS!

magarchi: OP, sorry for d emotional n mental torture/trauma u may have gone thru, dat has led to ur decision to get a divorce. Asking for suggestions for ur kids' welfare is somewhat funny cos ur kids will neva fare [b]well as they would av fared growing up in a balanced home,wt both parents...it immediately tells on their psyche dat mummy n daddy r no longer 2geda(and they r very intelligent n sensitive not minding their ages), they go thru som mental battles trying to understand y d trend they were born into has suddenly changed(rem even from infancy,kids resist change a lot), as such they wl ask a LOT of questions. Ryt now they see u both as their role models n will mirror ur actions n tendencies to a large extent...and d scripts that are written early in life r difficult to re-write...ur duty isn't only to ensure dat Sarah turns out a pilot n d other turns out a doctor...u av a responsibility to make sure they attain adulthood well balanced,educationally,
Morally,psychologically,socially(yes divorce even has an impact on dia social life) etc.

I once read somewhere that there is no earthly pain that heaven cannot heal...please ask for help from above, God's grace is sufficient. Seek a session or two with a counsellor...don't think like a defeatist or a realist, think like an optimist THERE WILL SURELY BE LIGHT AT THE END OF D TUNNEL...just tell d Holy spirit to commence work.
CHEERS!

[/b]

Thanks for your comment.

Kobojunkie:
um . . . There is no such thing as "in a marriage, if the man and the woman
cannot become one" . . . No, Marriage means they have become one . . . that
happens once they are married, not later. Please check your Bible for
information on how this works.

They become one when they get married and they should continue to be one in
the marriage. It is no good for one person to be doing what he or she wants
after the marriage, because he or she feels they became one when
they got married, both of them have to continue to be one in the marriage.
This was why Paul gave this warning in 1 Corinthians 7:5 Do not deprive each
other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote
yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt
you because of your lack of self-control.

Please y'all should leave the poor guy alone o. What makes you guys think he isn't reading all your comments with band-aid or POP around his arm. How are you sure he and his enstranged wife haven't sought all avenues to continue cohabiting at least for the sake of their kids. Do you know the pain kids go through each time mum and dad fight openly and they can't do anything about it.

Let the guy be y'all. Let him stick to whatever decision he has made.
Divorce doesn't mean that one is doomed for life,neither does it mean that the kids won't turn out good in future. It all depends on how the parents handle it.

Enough of this holier than thou attitudes abeg. Marriages have been breaking since the days of our grandfathers just that they never went through silly,demoralizing court processes. So many children from broken homes still end up fulfilling their dreams and are living good lives.
Its not the end of the world.

If your marriage is working,be thankful. For those whom theirs have collapsed,they have to right to seek happiness elsewhere.
Who are we to judge?

safeLove:
Enough of this holier than thou attitudes abeg. Marriages have been breaking since the days of our grandfathers just that they never went through silly,demoralizing court processes. So many children from broken homes still end up fulfilling their dreams and are living good lives.
Its not the end of the world.

Let's not belittle issues here. Children from broken homes are highly likely to end up not fulfilling their dreams especially when they are not in an environment that helps them heal. Africans typically hold back their tears and pains but unfortunately, that does not mean they are healed and able to move forward.

He is right in looking for advice on how to handle the children because there are lots of numbers that show that children from divorced homes are lightly to have a hard time adjusting to changes and life.

Kobojunkie:

Let's not belittle issues here. Children from broken homes are highly likely to end up not fulfilling their dreams especially when they are not in an environment that helps them heal. Africans typically hold back their tears and pains but unfortunately, that does not mean they are healed and able to move forward.

He is right in looking for advice on how to handle the children because there are lots of numbers that show that children from divorced homes are lightly to have a hard time adjusting to changes and life.

I am happy you are beginning to see things as they are and not just how you view them.Basically,i love children which would have prevented the obvious but as the situation stands,the development and social well being of the kids are more endangered having both parents live together,hence,the reason why divorce is inevitable and my quest to seek for knowledge on how best to help the kids grow to maturity living their dream with a single parent.The collapse of the marriage does not mean that we are failures,we have other aspects of our life working perfectly.