I have been a silent follower of the family section and am amazed at how well some issues have been trashed. This is why I have decided to reach out and share my own experience in marriage and hope that someone out there will be able to identify with me.

The problem began sometime last year, when my husband got involved with a young lady in his office. They had been dating for some months when somewhere along the line, I got to know - thanks to the young lady's conscience. She called me up one day, having gotten my number from my hubby's laptop which was with her, and she introduced herself as my husband's girlfriend. She told me she never knew he was a married man as he kept on denying it. That even his friends (who all attended our wedding) also corroborated the story, that he did not have a wife and any child (we have been married for 5years and have 2 kids). I agreed to meet with this lady in a public place. We got talking and that was when she told me she was now convinced and was going to leave my hubby alone and it was so. She managed to convince my hubby to come over, without letting him know that I was there, when he came, he was shocked to see us both and he apologized, while crying profusely that he would never be involved in such again. That was February 2011.

Yesterday, I got a call from another lady who also introduced herself as his girlfriend. They work at the same office too. She told me of how he had convinced her that he was not married and had no children and how he so much wanted to have her. She told me she got my number from his phone and was beginning to doubt his professed marital status from the manner of text messages she had been reading which was sent from my number. (My hubby never stores my number in his phones. He claims that storing an already memorized phone number is a waste of memory space in the phone). So she only wanted confirmation. I told her point blank that I am his wife and the mother of his children.

When i confronted my hubby about this new strange woman he denied and started swearing that he had nothing to do with anyone by that name. Eventually, one thing led to another, I got my sister to speak with her at length and she did not deny anything. She even told my sister a whole lot of other things. Before now, my hubby will not come home at night but will tell me he is working late in the office and will have to pass the night there. This girl however confirmed that anytime he did not sleep at home, he was with her ......

The thing now is how come his strange women are always calling me? Why does he deny his marital status and even his children? Why do his friends always pretend not to know anything about his relationships when the truth of the matter is that they are very much aware?

Right now, am lost for words as I know that men are polygamists in nature. But is it possible to trust him again?

He has begged for forgiveness again but how can I bring myself to love him again? I need help. Chaircover et. al. please I await your responses.

Thank you.

I don’t understand what the world is turning into these days. Married men denying their wives and kids just to have random s3x!

‘Friends’ lying about their friends’ marital status . . .

I thought marriage is supposed to be the last point of call, where a man reaches and realizes that “this is it . . . no more ‘other women’”!

Aren’t men having extra marital affairs supposed to hang their heads in shame? Instead they’ve got ‘friend’s backing them up!

@ Poster,
I really don’t know what to tell you. Your husband is very irresponsible and so are his friends!

If he still wants you in his life then he needs to step up . . .
1. Cut those his so-called friends from his life and yours
2. He MUST store you number in his phone as ‘WIFEY’.
3. He must wear his wedding ring, to and fro work (if he has one)

The above won’t stop him from cheating but at least those girls claiming they didn’t know he was married will stop bothering you!

And please next time, don’t meet/listen to any of those women; someone might decide to re-design your face with acid one day and you’ll be busy discussing with them. Next time they call you just tell them your hubby is married and end the discussion there. No need to go into details. The rest is for you and your hubby to trash out!

brideprice:
Right now, am lost for words as I know that men are polygamists in nature. But is it possible to trust him again?

Please correct yourself. Men are not all polygamists . . only some men are. Don't make the mistake of assuming all men are please. You have gays and transvestites ; Not all gay men are transvestites and not all transvestites are gay.

@ Uju,

About the ring thing. He wears the ring when he is on his way out but it is obvious he takes it off when he is out of the house. I dont think the ring stops men from cheating.

As for the phone call, I have made up my mind not to entertain any of such calls again.

If you've resigned yourself to believe men are polygamous by nature, I don't see any reason why you should feel hurt. Or are you hurt because he doesn't tell his women he's married and has kids more than his intent to cheat?

Anyway I think this is the time to be practical. You should have a thorough discussion with your husband, drop the sentiments aside for now and ask your husband what marriage entails to him. Tell him to forget all the begging. The aim here is to know where you stand and have your peace of mind. Knowing where I stand gives me an idea on what actions to take. It is then left for you to decide to live with this situation or not. I hope while he's been running around, you've been saving and storing money somewhere.

brideprice: @ Uju,

About the ring thing. He wears the ring when he is on his way out but it is obvious he takes it off when he is out of the house. I dont think the ring stops men from cheating.

As for the phone call, I have made up my mind not to entertain any of such calls again.

Well you husband appears to be the strange one, not 'his women'!

I wonder how a man will go to such great lenghts just to cheat.

My dear, like other posters have potined out, you've resigned yourself to the fact that your husband WILL cheat on you. I beleive that's why he does it cos he knows he's bound to get away with it.

It all boils down to the idea of loving yourself and demanding the BEST from your man. Let him know cheating is NOT an option.

Have you trid reporting him to his family? Making a BIG fuss about it . . . Reporting him to a higher authority, his mum, his pastor . . e.t.c!

It's time for you to draw a line.

This has nothing to do with his women, this is all him!

I have nothing to say to you since you believe all men are polygamous by nature

brideprice: I have been a silent follower of the family section and am amazed at how well some issues have been trashed. This is why I have decided to reach out and share my own experience in marriage and hope that someone out there will be able to identify with me.

The problem began sometime last year, when my husband got involved with a young lady in his office. They had been dating for some months when somewhere along the line, I got to know - thanks to the young lady's conscience. She called me up one day, having gotten my number from my hubby's laptop which was with her, and she introduced herself as my husband's girlfriend. She told me she never knew he was a married man as he kept on denying it. That even his friends (who all attended our wedding) also corroborated the story, that he did not have a wife and any child (we have been married for 5years and have 2 kids). I agreed to meet with this lady in a public place. We got talking and that was when she told me she was now convinced and was going to leave my hubby alone and it was so. She managed to convince my hubby to come over, without letting him know that I was there, when he came, he was shocked to see us both and he apologized, while crying profusely that he would never be involved in such again. That was February 2011.

Yesterday, I got a call from another lady who also introduced herself as his girlfriend. They work at the same office too. She told me of how he had convinced her that he was not married and had no children and how he so much wanted to have her. She told me she got my number from his phone and was beginning to doubt his professed marital status from the manner of text messages she had been reading which was sent from my number. (My hubby never stores my number in his phones. He claims that storing an already memorized phone number is a waste of memory space in the phone). So she only wanted confirmation. I told her point blank that I am his wife and the mother of his children.

When i confronted my hubby about this new strange woman he denied and started swearing that he had nothing to do with anyone by that name. Eventually, one thing led to another, I got my sister to speak with her at length and she did not deny anything. She even told my sister a whole lot of other things. Before now, my hubby will not come home at night but will tell me he is working late in the office and will have to pass the night there. This girl however confirmed that anytime he did not sleep at home, he was with her ......

The thing now is how come his strange women are always calling me? Why does he deny his marital status and even his children? Why do his friends always pretend not to know anything about his relationships when the truth of the matter is that they are very much aware?

Right now, am lost for words as I know that men are polygamists in nature. But is it possible to trust him again?

He has begged for forgiveness again but how can I bring myself to love him again? I need help. Chaircover et. al. please I await your responses.

Thank you.

forgive and forget - let him know this is his last chance though! he's probably still a baby when he got married to you!

his last chance?? really?

Ur husband needs serious prayer and attention. U have to sit him down and asked him some fundamental questions: what are those things that attracted him to those ladies that u need to work on or have, why wud he conveniently deny his own children without considering the pains and if u do what he is doing how wud he feels or his daughter call for his counsel because her husband double date what counsel wud he give.

OP, there some things that come-up whenever anyone brings-up a topic like this. They are:

1. Sentimental issues.

2. Practical issues.

Today, I am focusing on the practical issue.

Your husband is sleeping with other women outside. You are his wife, that he has access to you in terms of intimacy goes without saying (95% of the time).

OP, have you heard of STDs and HIV/AIDS? Are you willing to risk your health for him knowing that he could transit some awful diseases to you? If your answer is no, what are you going to do about it?

I don't have time for sentimental issues today, I just thought I should bring this practical issues up for your attention.

Never knew I'd ever agree with you on this forum again

maclatunji: OP, there some things that come-up whenever anyone brings-up a topic like this. They are:

1. Sentimental issues.

2. Practical issues.

Today, I am focusing on the practical issue.

Your husband is sleeping with other women outside. You are is wife, that he has access to you in terms of intimacy goes without saying (95% of the time).

OP, have you heard of STDs and HIV/AIDS? Are you willing to risk your health for him knowing that he could transit some awful diseases to you? If your answer is no, what are you going to do about it?

I don't have time for sentimental issues today, I just thought I should bring this practical issues up for your attention.

You remind me a lot of an older member of this forum! Are you cloned

Ujujoan:

You remind me a lot of an older member of this forum! Are you cloned

Male or female? Maybe, I have a kindred spirit here that I don't know-of.

NA WA OOH!!!

A lot of people are not mentally stable. OP, are you sure your husband has never been institutionalized before? People should pay attention to their spouses mental health before marriage. I think this is the only way i can justify all these stories on NL. Nigerian's always hide mental problems. A lot of people are bipolar or schitz, and without help they behave like this. Some people are just strange. At least if you know his mental status, you know you are not battling with a normal person. This is very strange. WOW! You married for real! . And you have accepted this even before marriage. Your mentality that all men are polygamous is a lie. You are too damaged

maclatunji:

Male or female? Maybe, I have a kindred spirit here that I don't know-of.

Male . . .

Maybe you just changed your user name . .

jennykadry: Never knew I'd ever agree with you on this forum again

We agree more than you know. It takes a very deep person to understand me many times. I am not saying you are shallow, but it takes a certain type-of person to go with my flow.

maclatunji:
Your husband is sleeping with other women outside. You are his wife, that he has access to you in terms of intimacy goes without saying (95% of the time).

OP, have you heard of STDs and HIV/AIDS? Are you willing to risk your health for him knowing that he could transit some awful diseases to you? If your answer is no, what are you going to do about it?

I don't have time for sentimental issues today, I just thought I should bring this practical issues up for your attention.

if the husband wears condoms all the time with his concubines, the practical issue you identified becomes null and void!

Did u have any reason to doubt him during courtship?
Was he a cheat before marriage?
I believe your answer lies there.
And as for his friends, the quote "birds of the same feather flock together".
PS - go get your self STI screened

Abeg ignore him and continue living your life to the fullest. Take care of your kids and job because with what I have seen in Nigeria, some men are irredeemable. That is how one man in my office deceived a single friend of mine that he is a divorcee. She almost said yes(or maybe she did I don't know)before she decided to confirm from me since we work in the same place. I told her to flee because the guy na confirmed married man with kids. Anytime I see this collegue, I pity his wife and not even him. Shior!!!

coogar:

if the husband wears condoms all the time with his concubines, the practical issue you identified becomes null and void!

What are the odds of that happening all the time? In fact half-the-time? If he is not-inhibited to have sex with another woman, what makes you feel he will feel inhibited about going for the real thing instead of the synthetic flavour?

Moreover, he has made these ladies regular partners, that increases the odds don't you think of wanting them raw?

All of these points are even irrelevant, the question is: Is she (OP) willing to take the chance; condom or no condom?

cindylee: Abeg ignore him and continue living your life to the fullest. Take care of your kids and job because with what I have seen in Nigeria, some men are irredeemable. That is how one man in my office deceived a single friend of mine that he is a divorcee. She almost said yes(or maybe she did I don't know)before she decided to confirm from me since we work in the same place. I told her to flee because the guy na confirmed married man with kids. Anytime I see this collegue, I pity his wife and not even him. Shior!!!

Unfortunately, a lot of women who find themselves in this sort of situation have two options; divorce or stick it out.

@Poster, I don't believe in divorce unless as defined in the bible, even then I still think people ought to think carefully before making that leap(especially as numbers show that many of those who have been married once never really learn the lessons they ought to). If you must stick it out, you might want to change your phone number, and as suggested above, live your own life the best you know how to. Unfortunately, it is possible to be in a marriage and NOT be in a marriage. Your husband seems to have that going, and so I think you should get yours going (not saying you should cheat as well).

maclatunji:
What are the odds of that happening all the time? In fact half-the-time? If he is not-inhibited to have sex with another woman, what makes you feel he will feel inhibited about going for the real thing instead of the synthetic flavour?

what if he has that condom habit? besides, if he's such a lousy man, at least one of his conquests should be pregnant by now!

Moreover, he has made these ladies regular partners, that increases the odds don't you think of wanting them raw?

it doesn't matter - if he has the habit of always using condoms, he would bag it whether the chics are regular chics or the one night stands!

All of these points are even irrelevant, the question is: Is she (OP) willing to take the chance; condom or no condom?

only the op can answer that - the question is neither here or there though! a lot of women don't even know they are taking any chance with their "darling" husbands!

I find it such a bother taking my bangles on and off and this is not an everyday thing oh. So I can't imagine someone making a conscious effort to take their ring off and on every single day. I mean all that trouble just to cheat??!I don't get it.

Maybe it is me sha. . .I am just too lazy.

cindylee: Abeg ignore him and continue living your life to the fullest. Take care of your kids and job because with what I have seen in Nigeria, some men are irredeemable. That is how one man in my office deceived a single friend of mine that he is a divorcee. She almost said yes(or maybe she did I don't know)before she decided to confirm from me since we work in the same place. I told her to flee because the guy na confirmed married man with kids. Anytime I see this collegue, I pity his wife and not even him. Shior!!!

same thing happened to me, he claimed he was divorced with 2 kids that he was a victim of spousal abuse , the stories he told me about his wife ehn! My friend dat works in the same coy as him, couldn't find out cos of how big the place is. He was always conscious of his phone, I knew something was up and refused to date him, though we still talked. Last week, a strange number called me and asked for my professional advice, the lady at the other end introduced herself as his wife, she stole my number from his phone

Ujujoan: I don’t understand what the world is turning into these days. Married men denying their wives and kids just to have random s3x!

‘Friends’ lying about their friends’ marital status . . .

I thought marriage is supposed to be the last point of call, where a man reaches and realizes that “this is it . . . no more ‘other women’”!

Aren’t men having extra marital affairs supposed to hang their heads in shame? Instead they’ve got ‘friend’s backing them up!

@ Poster,
I really don’t know what to tell you. Your husband is very irresponsible and so are his friends!

If he still wants you in his life then he needs to step up . . .
1. Cut those his so-called friends from his life and yours
2. He MUST store you number in his phone as ‘WIFEY’.
3. He must wear his wedding ring, to and fro work (if he has one)

The above won’t stop him from cheating but at least those girls claiming they didn’t know he was married will stop bothering you!

And please next time, don’t meet/listen to any of those women; someone might decide to re-design your face with acid one day and you’ll be busy discussing with them. Next time they call you just tell them your hubby is married and end the discussion there. No need to go into details. The rest is for you and your hubby to trash out!

I couldnt agree mur mate. OP yhu dont wanna go around meeting his mistresses. It really is a dangerous adventure.

@OP
This is purely my opinion.
Lets start with your self-portrait. We want a frank solution, we ask Frank questions. I will not pat you on the back, or throw you a pity party because you don't need that right now. Neither will me cursing him help you right now.
How well did you know him ? (I didn't say how long). Like other posters have asked, did you see such tendencies before now while you courted and choose to ign? Did his family members try hinting you about this way back then ?
How well did you know his friends ?
His behaviour is being reinforced by them: he broke down and cried when yourself & his ex took him by surprise and his friends partake in the deception. Your husband loves you & the kids (yes, he does, crocodile tears that day or not) but he respects his friends far more and feels a need to 'man up' to their opinion of a manhood. There lies your major problem. Severing his link with them is the first step otherwise when its just both of you he goes sober, but on returning to their company he dumps his resolve.
It will take a new level of subtle & patient wisdom to 'wean & win' him from them.
They're not exactly "strange" women-strange women have no conscience and are always ready to flaunt it in your face that your husbands getting jiggy with them, you have reason to be grateful in that regard. I'll advise you not act paranoid, always waiting to catch him cheating. I'm not sure but I feel you should appeal to his "fatherly instincts" by encouraging him to have short play time with your kids. If your kids can talk, next time he doesnt come home have them ask him on the phone why he isnt coming back that night after they've built some rapport.
I hope this gives you a start with getting a solution and sincerely pray you return to this thread in the not-so-distant future so we can share in your joy that things are better.

@OP the unfortunate thing is that it is very difficult to bring back a man that has gone your husbands way but it is not impossible.It is quite deplorable that as Nigerians we more than occasionally base our decisions on societal view rather than what we believe as the truth.Don`t you have what you believe in?? I mean principles that guide your life? I learnt a long time ago that decision making becomes a problem when you have issues/problems with your value system.Yes,i have heard many people say that it is just natural for men to cheat but that`s a distorted view of men,not all men cheat and so for those who cheat what could be the precipitating factor? You are not just going to forgive your husband but he owes you an explanation as to why he cheats.Is there something that is lacking in you? Have you done anything that is driving him out(attitude)? I hear most guys say the single girls are tight,their wife`s are after 1,2,3 depending on the number of kids they have given birth to. Are you wide as a result of child birth? He has to let you into his world of cheating if he is really ready to stop and then you can work on whatever that he finds pleasant in those girls,which i believe you have the swag irrespective of the fact that u are after 2.

This might sound unhelpful but somewhere in everybody's mind, we all know that there is no real solution here. Except the change comes from within him, i dont think he is going to change. Might sound lame but you going to have to pray and seek inner happiness.

This story is so twisted and unreal... Are you the 'feds', that these 'ladies' keep finding your number, either on 'laptop' or 'phone' to report your husband to you? You must be spiritually gifted, for strangers to pick up the phone to ring you - but Nigerians are strange and weird sometimes, so anything is possible.

If your husband keeps cheating; have you looked at the woman in the mirror to find out if you're not the architect of your own problems? Plenty men are promiscuous, but most men would rather have a 'link', or 'one-night' stand outside their marriages - and not wife up other chics outside, if the marriage is perfect.

Look at the woman in the mirror and find a solution to your problem. Seek divorce and destroy the future of your kids, the ball is in your court.

there's something abt dis story...jst can't place it yet