I know i probably should not say this as a repectful person, but I cannot contain it any longer as my FIL gets on my last nerves, he really winds me up. His manner of talking and behaviour gets on my last tits, and I feel he is the one running our family instead of my hubby. The man is soo pompous,rude and obnoxious. I knew this before i got married to my hubby but i tought I could handle it, but I cant. I have been trying to ignore him, but i think my hubby is suspecting that something is up, please any advice on how to deal with such people. The man talks just anyhow...the other day he was telling a grown man that he will slap him, i dont get how some people are like this ooo...

Take heart . . . that is what you married into.

Did you get married to a boy still living in his parents house? Are both of you dependent on the parents? If this is true, you better keep quiet and take it since he is feeding you. Either that or you risk having the whole family turn on you with your need to correct a grand father. Keep out of his way if it is too much for you. Am sure your presence or family dependence on him is annoying too. If you don't rely on him for anything, then keep your opinions to yourself. Am sure you have bigger issues to worry about.

@ 2mch, we do not depend on him for anything as far as I am concern, maybe my husband is now taking stuffs from him behind my back oo, that one i dunno....

Whatever you do, just make sure you don't be the one he'd be promising to slap.

Have your husband tell him to calm down so he doesn't get hypertension. But not in front of you or tell him you suggested. You see, our parents become like our kids as they grow older. They listen to us so they don't drive us away or keep their grandkids away.this depends on the kind of spouse you have. Hopefully when you fight, he does not tell his family you are irritated by them. . I suggest you mind your business. The guy is the head of that family and no one will take an insult from you.

Good, @ifeluvely you're here (online).
My suggestion: Walk up to the old man & talk some sense into him, & next time he misbehaves punish him severely!

Advice: Iyawo, learn from your hubby &SIL or MIL how they've succeeded @ living with him & do same. Really passionate love for him as for your own dad will help a longway. You can't change him.

@ mowire, they just keep quiet(and then gossip about it behind him), cos apparently if they don't he will refuse to pay their school fees or will not give the wife any money. the way i was brought up in my own family, my father is a respecter of all n doesnt just talk anyhow to people, so that annoys me that the wife n the other kids cannot defend themselves cos they are solely dependent on him financialy, but since me n my hubby are not depending on him wetin be his problem?

An example of what happened: he sed i hadnt call him, i sed sorry I was at work and being so busy with work (at least we have bills to pay nau) he got angry and started teling me how much do i earn that i am feeling like somebody...

You probably need to make changes . .. I mean it is obvious the man has little respect for what you think is your marriage to his son. Either you change the situation or you get used to him talking down to you in that manner.

@ kobojunkie, thats why i posted this, thats why i am asking how to cope with it, he talks to everyone like this, but i find it shockingly annoying and i personally cannot tolerate it any longer, because owo die die laran n fe nau...it means everyone deserves a lil respect for none yoruba speakers

IfeLuvely: @ kobojunkie, thats why i posted this, thats why i am asking how to cope with it, he talks to everyone like this, but i find it shockingly annoying and i personally cannot tolerate it any longer, because owo die die laran n fe nau...it means everyone deserves a lil respect for none yoruba speakers

Next time he starts, just give him a dirty slap. Chikena, that will teach him some manners. Look if you don't live with him, then what's the problem? If you have an annoying boss what will you do?

IfeLuvely: @ kobojunkie, thats why i posted this, thats why i am asking how to cope with it, he talks to everyone like this, but i find it shockingly annoying and i personally cannot tolerate it any longer, because owo die die laran n fe nau...it means everyone deserves a lil respect for none yoruba speakers

Avoid him? Tell your husband you would rather not visit or see him? I mean it becomes hard to suggest solutions once you are already in the marriage. Your husband obviously allows it and so his father takes advantage, and you probably played "good girl" before the marriage, maybe making him feel he can do anything he wants even after. I honestly don't know what to advice than to tell you to grow a thick skin. Maybe get a job, start bringing in money and maybe your husband will respect your complaints a bit more. I don't know but I generally believe that it is right before the marriage that we work on putting our foot down when it comes to those in the family you are trying to become a part of. If you try to do it after marriage, you are likely inviting trouble.

@Ifeluvely
You sound like you are a strong minded person just like your FIL is a strong minded person too and two strong minded persons like that can't help but clash on a day he gets on your nerves big time. He seems haughty and abusive from what you've described about him and you need some control when you are around him so that you don't vent your anger on him one day when he irritates you to breaking point. Avoiding him may help or not spending much time around him just to avoid that temptation.

I am also that kind of person that can't tolerate and keep quiet on such a person even when others around are kissing his bloated fat a*s , if such gets on my nerves am a say my mind out and dare the consequence. I am not suggesting that you do so, I just can't stand such foul mouthed human beings that think that they have the world in their palms and as a result that everybody will be getting twisted around their fingers. What fr*aking attitude makes him tell you "How much are you earning that you are feeling like somebody?"

You also have to be very very careful when he comes imposing himself on you and your husband because if you don't handle his weight good, his overbearing attitude can break your marriage. You don't need to be told that his son's loyalty to his overbearing self will win you hands down anyday so don't get tied up in a riff triangle with the two lest you begin to consider the door as a way out. Just my thought, just my thought.

Kobojunkie:

Avoid him? Tell your husband you would rather not visit or see him? I mean it becomes hard to suggest solutions once you are already in the marriage. Your husband obviously allows it and so his father takes advantage, and you probably played "good girl" before the marriage, maybe making him feel he can do anything he wants even after. I honestly don't know what to advice than to tell you to grow a thick skin. Maybe get a job, start bringing in money and maybe your husband will respect your complaints a bit more. I don't know but I generally believe that it is right before the marriage that we work on putting our foot down when it comes to those in the family you are trying to become a part of. If you try to do it after marriage, you are likely inviting trouble.

The bolded is very right and I agree with that but what do you want a Nigerian girl(that gets all kind of pressure to marry) to do? A girl has got to do what a girl has got to do and act up nice and lovely to put a ring on it . Stubborn ones like us that are trying to get it right and nice know how the other side of the coin is. Yet it's better done right and nice. That kind of FIL can swear against having a lady become his son's wife and can do anything to make sure that his son dumps any lady that dares to put him in his posiion.

Yeah, sometimes it is good to spell it out to the other party that you are not going to tolerate being disrespected but she is better off without such a stand off at least the man hasn't strayed into her home yet to dictate the runnings. He can be throwing his fat weight out there in the gardens while she enjoys peace in her home

IfeLuvely: I know i probably should not say this as a repectful person, but I cannot contain it any longer as my FIL gets on my last nerves, he really winds me up. His manner of talking and behaviour gets on my last tits, and I feel he is the one running our family instead of my hubby. The man is soo pompous,rude and obnoxious. I knew this before i got married to my hubby but i tought I could handle it, but I cant. I have been trying to ignore him, but i think my hubby is suspecting that something is up, please any advice on how to deal with such people. The man talks just anyhow...the other day he was telling a grown man that he will slap him, i dont get how some people are like this ooo...

First, it's not primarily your problem to solve, it's your husbands.

The root of this issue is long-standing. Over time you FIL' family - and probably friends and colleagues - have allowed him to become a tyrant. Your husband has been party to this and not been cognizant of the effect it may have on you - his marriage - or the fact that he needs to act.

As your husband, this falls under the part of his remit which is titled "Protect my wife". As a WTB you noticed this issue and for pragmatic reasons decided to overlook it. Now as a wife, you are finding it a problem. Perhaps you did not possess the wisdom or foresight to address it at that time. No problem, there's all to play for.

Part of your wifely remit is to be a source of wise counsel to your husband. Another one is to ensure that key relationships are strengthened, nourished and a source of joy and support to you both as a couple.

Your husband;
Needs to "command his household": He both has to be, and to be see to be the head of his household. Period. He needs to make clear to his father that his behaviour is unacceptable and will no longer be tolerated - not as far as his marriage goes anyway. He needs to fully grasp what lengths he is willing to go to and the possible consequences. Will he - even if temporarily - cut ties with his Father and possibly the rest of his family? Is that warranted here?

You;
Need to be that source of sound counsel and be conscious of the relationships involved. Ultimately you want to be one big harmonious family, where cordiality is the norm and boundaries are acknowledged and respected. Your part is to help your husband do his part without unnecessary fallout or collateral damage.

You husband is key, but you are integral to ensure it happens to best effect all round. You want to win your FIL, not vanquish him. As much as he is a "pain", l advance that he is one that can be counted on to assist if needed. In fact, his "Feein' like a don" is probably due to that very fact. you ultimately want him as ally, not as enemy.

Doesn't seem like you have even communicated your observations or the issue to your husband. Please learn to communicate better and raise/address all concerns/issues with your husband as a matter of course in future. Likewise your husband should have been "on to this" a while back, or at least teased it out of you by now.

This type of situation can be for your long-term benefit. Open discussion of this type of issue will help bonding. It will help you as a couple fine tune your approach to situations and understanding of one another.

I haven't proposed "a plan". That's for you as a couple to do, based on your understanding of the dynamic and the desired outcome.

Hope I've helped. And hope it turns out for the best. In this instance and longer term.

Best
TV

IfeLuvely: @ mowire, they just keep quiet(and then gossip about it behind him), cos apparently if they don't he will refuse to pay their school fees or will not give the wife any money. the way i was brought up in my own family, my father is a respecter of all n doesnt just talk anyhow to people, so that annoys me that the wife n the other kids cannot defend themselves cos they are solely dependent on him financialy, but since me n my hubby are not depending on him wetin be his problem?

An example of what happened: he sed i hadnt call him, i sed sorry I was at work and being so busy with work (at least we have bills to pay nau) he got angry and started teling me how much do i earn that i am feeling like somebody...

Lady, you have the wrong attitude. He is in a position of authority over you. He may be overbearing but your current attitude will not help your situation, it will only make it worse. Call him every 2 weeks and visit him with gifts and smiles once a month.

Your relationship will improve and you will have learnt to tolerate his excesses. It is all part of being a good wife to handle such issues maturely.

@ifeluve, believe me you can't change much in your FIL. The baba is the loud arrogant type. All the "bring your foot down" thing will only create more serious problems. Start by dealing with him the way his wife & children do. You see, babas like him don't normally need more than "ok sir", "mo ti gbo sir", "e ma binu sir" responses. & I think u should stop making a big deal of him in your head. Love him for who he is.
He probably loves more than u can imagine.

maclatunji:

Lady, you have the wrong attitude. He is in a position of authority over you. He may be overbearing but your current attitude will not help your situation, it will only make it worse. Call him every 2 weeks and visit him with gifts and smiles once a month.

Your relationship will improve and you will have learnt to tolerate his excesses. It is all part of being a good wife to handle such issues maturely.

but some people are incredibly hard to please and will always find fault somewhere else no matter how much you try to please them. i think thats the person Ifeluvely is describing here. this kind of person will reject a gift without caring about the feeling of the bearer. if its possible for her and her husband to cut him out of their lives completely, they should go ahead and do so. whats the point in trying to please someone thats constantly cause you and your loved ones head/heartache?

dominique:

but some people are incredibly hard to please and will always find fault somewhere else no matter how much you try to please them. i think thats the person Ifeluvely is describing here. this kind of person will reject a gift without caring about the feeling of the bearer. if its possible for her and her husband to cut him out of their lives completely, they should go ahead and do so. whats the point in trying to please someone thats constantly cause you and your loved ones head/heartache?

I understand you perfectly but your advice for them to cut-off the man would be the beginning of the end for OP's marriage. She should develop a though skin and ignore the man's insults as much as possible.

God has his ways of levelling scores for those who are humble. A time will come when power will be in her hands over the FIL. It is then she will know that it pays to be patient.

^^^ i agree. cutting him off is a bit to the extreme. but i'd avoid him as much as i can to maintain my sanity.
if op is complaining like this, i dont want to imagine what his wife, kids and those living directly under him must be going through ~shudders~

Finito!!!

maclatunji:

Lady, you have the wrong attitude. He is in a position of authority over you. He may be overbearing but your current attitude will not help your situation, it will only make it worse. Call him every 2 weeks and visit him with gifts and smiles once a month.

Your relationship will improve and you will have learnt to tolerate his excesses. It is all part of being a good wife to handle such issues maturely.

Ivynwa:

The bolded is very right and I agree with that[b] but what do you want a Nigerian girl(that gets all kind of pressure to marry) to do? A girl has got to do what a girl has got to do and act up nice and lovely to put a ring on it . [/b]Stubborn ones like us that are trying to get it right and nice know how the other side of the coin is. Yet it's better done right and nice. That kind of FIL can swear against having a lady become his son's wife and can do anything to make sure that his son dumps any lady that dares to put him in his posiion.

Yeah, sometimes it is good to spell it out to the other party that you are not going to tolerate being disrespected but she is better off without such a stand off at least the man hasn't strayed into her home yet to dictate the runnings. He can be throwing his fat weight out there in the gardens while she enjoys peace in her home

Please enough of the stupid excuse for Nigerian gals. Nigerian gals have it 100 times better than gals from so many other parts of the world. What you will say is that many girls do not know how to take control of their own lives and that has nothing to do with Nigerian girls. There are millions of gals out there who are single(possibly older than the @Op) and they are not in the mess that she is in now as a result.

Women are not brainless zombies that the opinion of their parents should be deciding factor for which way their lives should go. They come equipped with full brains so enough of this Nigerians galrs are pressured nonsense . . gals everywhere get pressured too. SO if the others can use their heads. I don't see what excuse your Nigerian gals have.

Patience......

If u cnt tolerate him then killing him would be better.

jus kool off and live as if he doesnt exist but still love him continually he will o0ne day get tired of dat life

hemm

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The perfect solution, don't live with him.

Even the most peaceful inlaws can get annoying when you live with them, and not forgetting your own bad ways also. Things are bond to get unbearable.

Ok what if you just choose to ignore him? Would it be immature to ignore a grown man's overbearing attitude?

Anyway as for that 'do you think you're somebody' retort he made, I don't think I would keep mute over that. That is a witchcraft spirit.

Try to brace up at this hard time and confront your husband with the reality. I also experienced it and it was tougher than yours; I had to move my family( wife and kid) to somewhere far and this cleared all worries. Act quick before your father-in-law's belligerence gets out of hand.

Give your father In Law some Ota pia pia. That will keep him quiet for good. And you will have rest and peace of mind!