Please don't take offense to an American posting here. I am not trying to start any controversy or mess. I have had a question I have wanted to know the answer to - or at least get some insight for - for years, but had nobody to ask. This is not a prank/spam posting. Okay, here goes:

A little background info on me: I am a 35 year old black American female from the deep South. I was raised in a strict Christian environment and am conservative in the way I dress and behave. I speak correct English (I speak "Ebonics" with family and friends as the situation calls for), I don't have any children, and I'm somewhat educated (bachelor's degree, some grad school). I am not promiscuous or loud, and I am careful about who I let in my life.

Black American men don't pay me that much attention. But, for some reason I don't understand, I get a LOT of attention from African men - MUCH more than I get from black American men. Mostly, it's been Nigerians (Igbo and Yoruba), but I've been approached/pursued by other West African men and even a black Libyan (as he self-identified).

In my late teens and early 20s, I dated a couple of the men who approached and pursued me, but ended up breaking off the relationships, because they always wanted to move TOO fast, and that scared me a lot. And to be honest, I also didn't know a dang thing about being a wife at that age, and I wasn't ready, as I'd finally gotten out of my miserable little backwards and racist Southern hometown and wanted to see what else existed in the world.

Anyway, the question I've always had, but never got to ask until now is (if it even HAS an answer):

Why do I attract so many African men? Especially Nigerian? Don't get me wrong; I do not think this is a bad thing; not at all.

But, I'm wondering what it is about me that makes black American men keep going, but makes African men stop. With the exception of the almost 7 years I was married (to a man from Guinea, ironically; hey, a girl's gotta get in where she fits in and I'm not going to turn down a good man of another culture just to wait for black American men to see my worth), I have been pursued by African men. Now that I'm single again, same thing. I don't even know what to think.

Can anybody give me some insight on this? A hint? A clue?

Thanks in advance.

Have you ever asked them?

Well, deep down most black Americans I've come to meet feel inferior to whites so the only way to be among is to pick a girl from the white side.

Most Africans however, feel that the whites are good for a lay but don't consider anything serious with them worthwhile -- the general feeling is that white women are morally decadent.

I'm getting very tired of the so called general feeling. .

I've been pursued by more Africans than white men, seems today I have finally learned why. .

[QUOTE]Have you ever asked them?[/QUOTE]

I answered that question in the beginning of my post, when I said I hadn't had anybody to ask.

[QUOTE]Well, deep down most black Americans I've come to meet feel inferior to whites[/QUOTE]

Um, that's not what I asked.

[QUOTE]so the only way to be among is to pick a girl from the white side.[/QUOTE]

Say what? I'm not following you here. I don't think you completed your thought.

[QUOTE]Most Africans however, feel that the whites are good for a lay but don't consider anything serious with them worthwhile -- the general feeling is that white women are morally decadent.[/QUOTE]

Err, what does this have to do with what I asked?

I means that Africans prefer black women to white women because the general consensus is that white women sleep around. I don't think so -- but that's what most Africans think.

come of it it has nothing to do with black or white but paper.

@ Zahymaka - I see your point, and thanks for responding. But, I think something else is mainly in play.

@ mamaput - What kind of paper are you talking about? In the U.S. the word paper is a slang term for money, so I'm not 100% sure what you're referencing, and I don't want to assume. Are you talking about money or immigration papers? If you're talking about immigration, that's not a factor for me. I don't date men who haven't been a legal resident long enough to apply for citizenship on their own, or who are not already citizens.

@Zahy,

Chelley wants to know why most of the guys who's been chasing her around are mostly Africans, especially Nigerians of the Igbo and Yoruba stock. She's ''surprised or bothered'' that most African American brothers in the US do not take such interest in her.

I thot that's very easy to grasp, or am I missing something, Chelley?

Chelley, I guess you have some looks and feel that's African. And I think the African in you wants you to come ''home'' to Africa and settle in there. Maybe that's where you're destined to have all you need to live well on earth.

Just ma 2 cents.

Wel, curious u said, cos i dnt think u shd b bothered. Have you thot of asking some of your black american male friends what they think about black americans/africans and not you this tym, jst hear what they've got to say, might satisfy your curiosity.

@ Ono - Where did I say I was surprised or bothered? I'm just curious. I also don't want to make people think I don't get ANY attention at all from black American men. I do. But, many of them want flings, and I'm not the fling type -- and I think a lot of them can tell by my demeanor. So, they don't waste their time.

The "African" in me, etc? That's new. LOL.

@ dominobaby - I'm not bothered. And, I am not understanding last part of what you wrote. Will you clarify, please?

The answer to your curiosity has been staring you in the face all along!

Chelley:

A little background info on me: I am a 35 year old black American female from the deep South. I was raised in a strict Christian environment and am conservative in the way I dress and behave.

This is Typical for an African woman . . . decency and the fear of God.

Chelley:

I am not promiscuous or loud, and I am careful about who I let in my life.

In Africa a woman’s conduct speaks louder than words can. A loud woman has lower value as a woman; most African American women are loud and consequently have lower value to the African man

Chelley:

and I'm not the fling type -- and I think a lot of them can tell by my demeanor. So, they don't waste their time.

The "African" in me, etc? That's new. LOL.

Culturally no African woman is into flings. Theoretically it is non-existent because there are no know word for it.

In conclusion I think you have all the intrinsic values that an African man (Igbo or Yoruba) man will expect in a woman.
So the African in you or your African content is very high. LOL.   

So, Chelly, myself and Kajad are saying thesame thing.

There's something ''African'' in you. And I think you should come home to Africa, where you'd get all that you need. Don't believe in all those false talk about Africa in the US. They are grossly misleading. You'd surely like it in here.

Besides, if Nigerians are the folks who kept coming around, it's because it has been generally acknowledged the world over that we are the ''happiest people on earth''. And they want you to take part in that enjoyment bliss in here. Now, isn't that some record to behold? and wouldn't you like spending the better part of your life with happy people? Just think about it. And also, just to let you in on Nigeria, there other better tribes in Nigeria. We have the Kanuris, the Ijaws, Isokos, Itsekiris, Urhobos, Ogoni's Oron, Ibibios, (of the Niger Delta stocks - rich and peace loving people of this world).

You'd get all you need in Africa. Just come ''home'', and you'd be glad you did.

I was trying to say: since u are curious, u could jst, for fun, take a survey. As in, ask male friends what they think bout the black american, african lady in general. It jst might satisfy ur curiosity or give u a hint.

@ dominobaby - Ohhh. I see what you mean. Well, I think I know the answer to that, as I've heard some black American men talk about it, and it's not good. The black American men who get with women who are not black American mostly go for Asian women first, white women second, then African women. This is in order of which group of women they think they can exercise more control over the easiest.

For those men who don't want/like Asian or white women, they'll go for an African woman. In their minds, she's still easier to control than a black American woman. Control is defined as they can be as irresponsible as they want without much hassle from 'their' woman.

@ Kajad - The reason I didn't really attribute my qualities to attracting African men is because I don't see myself as being unique. There are MANY black American women like me. Granted, I don't know if they're open minded enough to date an African man (the things we're told about African men are scary), and the black American women I personally know probably would not be. I've always been the most fearless one among female my friends and relatives.

@ Ono - Just come home, huh? Easier said than done. I would actually LOVE to pursue a Master's degree at a good African university. Maybe even a PhD if it'd be accepted with no problem back here in the U.S. But, I only speak English (although I learn really fast) and I don't understand the admission requirements for some of the universities I've looked at due to the differences in educational systems. I have not been able to find any equivalency charts with which to compare my U.S. degree, grades and GRE test scores for entrance.

Then there's the money. My eyes bug out when I go to the XE website to do the currency conversions for tuition and see how inexpensive it is in American dollars. BUT, the only African countries where U.S. educational financial aid (in the form of gov't loans) can be used is at 2 universities in S. Africa and the American U. at Cairo. Three schools on the whole continent! Ugh! So, even if I was able to get admitted, money would be a problem, because I can't afford to pay out of pocket.

But, I do plan to visit one day.

Are you very large at the back? Many African men love that.

They are lookin' to 419 you -- desperate for an American woman to secure a green card. That is what special about you. You are a US citizen.  You are potential prey.  They are stealth predators.  Don't let them 419 you.  It is a real problem that America women need to be aware of when dealing with foreigners who don't have papers. 

This is how it goes. By the way, I am a Black American woman. Every poster knows why they are interested in you, but none will say. The are often agressive in the manner in dealing with you. They look for women they deem as needy or weak in some area. They wine and dine you. They cater to you. They appear to be the perfect man. The goal is to get you emotional attached, and before you know it, they profess their undying love for you. He can't live without you, and ask you to marry him within a very short period of time. Their only goal is to use, abuse, and discard you as soon as they have their papers. They spread their net wide, knowing some lonely, desperate woman will bite. It is a scam dear. Don't fall it. This is one way the marriage 419 aka scam works.

They are interested in you because you are an American, and they are desperate to get papers. The easiest way in the US to become a cititzen is to marry an American. That it in a nutshell. Sistah girl please don't be a sucker. Once these men are finished with you will poor and a basket case. They fake nice until they have what they want.

Nigeria is a desperate country, with no opportunities. They can't go back there. There is nothing for them. So desperation rules, and they will use anybody to get what they want.

maybe you should put up a picture.

[/quote][quote author=Nwoke link=topic=10421.msg314400#msg314400 date=1145984442]
Are you very large at the back? Many African men love that.

huh! have you been to america? alot of african american women are big at the ''back''

Chelly i wish i knew the answer to your question, maybe you just appeal to african men generally, some black women appeal to white men generally too.(how ever its interesting cos sometimes there are certain characteristics present in these cases)
Girl i dont know, important thing is do they treat you right? if so then good for you.

From what I can decipher from your post, you exhibit a lot of the values that African men can relate to. This is more so in black Americans from the south where family values seen in African societies still exist.
It's sad that in America, there is less percentage of black American men that share those values you seem to project in your life. You only need to observe the way most black Americans talk about their mother with no reference to their father, to understand why you're not getting quality advances from black American men.

Dont these men tell you why they stopped to talk to you in the first place? maybe you look somewhat African.

not a chance.

I have already said that,
She means that its men the men have papers.

BigSis:

They are lookin' to 419 you -- desperate for an American woman to secure a green card. That is what special about you. You are a US citizen. You are potential prey. They are stealth predators. Don't let them 419 you. It is a real problem that America women need to be aware of when dealing with foreigners who don't have papers.

This is how it goes. By the way, I am a Black American woman. Every poster knows why they are interested in you, but none will say. The are often agressive in the manner in dealing with you. They look for women they deem as needy or weak in some area. They wine and dine you. They cater to you. They appear to be the perfect man. The goal is to get you emotional attached, and before you know it, they profess their undying love for you. He can't live without you, and ask you to marry him within a very short period of time. Their only goal is to use, abuse, and discard you as soon as they have their papers. They spread their net wide, knowing some lonely, desperate woman will bite. It is a scam dear. Don't fall it. This is one way the marriage 419 aka scam works.

They are interested in you because you are an American, and they are desperate to get papers. The easiest way in the US to become a cititzen is to marry an American. That it in a nutshell. Sistah girl please don't be a sucker. Once these men are finished with you will poor and a basket case. They fake nice until they have what they want.

Nigeria is a desperate country, with no opportunities. They can't go back there. There is nothing for them. So desperation rules, and they will use anybody to get what they want.

@ Bigsis
You are probably right. However, it is a two way deal. How about the american women that prey on "paperless immigrants" I'm sure you know about that too.

i agree with bigsis to a great extent but i completely disagree with the overgenelised statement that "Nigeria is a desperate country, with no opportunities. They can't go back there. There is nothing for them. So desperation rules, and they will use anybody to get what they want". There are opportunties here!! and there are many things a nigerian who has developed him/herself in the US can coem and do in Nigeria. As to the possible reasons why African men like you, well assuming it wasn't for the reasons bigsis raised i can only presume that somehow there is something AFRICAN about you that they like. i know african men don't like a woman that shows too much independence (not offence meant!)

To be honest (and for the sake of not sounding rude) the post that was made was extremely ridiculous.  Forgive me for stating so, but you are a 35 year old woman who was married to an African man and have only dated African men.  You have experienced dating for all this time and you have not quite grasped the understanding as to why "African men" approach you (i.e., are attracted to you) more so than Black American men?  Is it me or is there something simply silly about this question?  Forgive me for asking but when you are dating these men, you mean to tell me that you have never bothered to find out as to why they are interested in you?  As I continued to read your post, I noticed that as others were providing you with advice, it appeared as if you knew the answer to your own question.

You are a Black-American woman from the south who was born and raised here in the States.  You have not ventured to Africa (I presume), however, you have not understood as to why Black-American men are not attracted to you?  There is seriously something wrong with that statement and idea.  I earnestly believe that it is just a purposeful attempt to find justification to something that you already know the answer to. 

My question to you then is this?  Do you have a problem with only African men being interested in you?  I believe that you do, otherwise you would not have made such a post.  You should save your time by not seeking answers from others making posts on this forum and simply ask the next African man that asks you out.  Then will you be able to ascertain a more concrete answer.  Remember, in your years of schooling and earning that Bachelor's Degree and some graduate work, you were taught how to solve a problem in the most reasonable and deductive manner.  I advice you to do so in this situation. 

And @ Big Sis, comments such as yours is why many of our African men get such bad reputations.  Not all African men are seeking Black-American women only for papers.  Don't get me wrong there are some out there, but not all.  However, you need to also understand that such characteristics and actions are common with men from all different countries who are desperately seeking legalization in the United States, and from men within this country who are seeking to simply use the woman for their own needs.  No offense if you got burned, but please restrain from making such generalizations--especially when you are making such discriminatory comments about our people on our forum ground.

Mouko,

Don't I have the right to express my opinion? My sister asked, and I felt it was my duty as a sister to give my opinion.

I would agree that the creator of the thread may be upset to some degree that her own men don't give her the time of day.  That can be painful.  I know of a few sista girls who have allowed themselves to date foreign black men in hopes of finding good one who will treat them right.  I even heard about black girls in college being ignored by the brothers, and they reluntantly date foreign black men, rather than be alone.

I do believe most African men who seek out Black American women are doing it for the papers.  I did not say all, but most. 

It is not easy being with someone from a culture and a way of thinking so different from yours.  I believe only serious people can make such relationships work.  There are some serious cultural differences that simply can't be ignored. 

But I would agree that the original poster understands fully why she is pursued by African men.  I think she just wanted someone to verify her private thoughts. 

I also believe that many of our men have been brainwashed to think their women are too demanding.  So they go and look for the women who demand little from them.  In addition, many of us want put up with too much crap. 

I think if you are lucky to find someone you are compatible with and care for genuinely, you are really blessed. It is hard finding a good man.  It is just hard. So some Black American women, though fearful, may give some of these foreign men a chance.  I always tell them to keep their eyes open and take it slowly.  Don't allow yourself to used and abuse. There are specific things you need to look out for.

Big Sis,

I can't read the poster's mind, so I have to work with the information she has given.

She did mention that she makes sure that the men she dates have their green cards
or citizenships, how does that affect your answer?

The way I see it, the paper/immigration issue is there, but some people have love
or appreciation for certain things or certain people in life. Its this love that enables
them to gravitate towards those things or people. For example, if you love Nigeria
or people from Nigeria, one will have a natural tendency to want to be affiliated with
anything Nigerian. And while she may not realize this, its possible that when she
meets Nigerian men, she is naturally friendly towards them.

You are right, culture is a strong factor. Most Nigerian men hate obnoxious and "all
in your face" women. If she is none of this, this might also explain the attraction. Is
she open and accepting of black men in general, and not the type to simply lump them
as "foreign black men"? If she is, then this may also help explain why.

Based on your write up, it will seem that the only time an African American girl should
date a Nigerian or African guy in college is only when she is not being ignored by African
American boys.

Hmm, Isn't that on the extreme side? The sistas "have to allow themselves" as you
put it to date foreign black men? What happened to LIKE?

Ike,

I have had experiences with African men, especially Naijas.  African men, particularly naijas tend to be very overbearing, domineering, and inflexible. They tend to want to be "Big Boss Man." If you noticed, I said "tend."  It is difficult for the average western black woman to deal with their attitudes.  However, there are some who could reasonably make good partners for a particular type of sister. 

My experiences are just that - my experiences.  People generally prefer to date and marry people from their own cultural group.  This is very natural.  However, sometimes, this may pose a problem.  Therefore, you may have to widen your net in hopes of finding a suitable and compatible partner. It is hard. 

Just like Africans have prejudices and sterotype against black Americans, black Americans hold the same attitudes.  Even within your family, it can be a problem when you bring a man home with a foreign accent.  Little comments are made slyly, i.e. you must be pretty desperate or you can't find one of your own kind, you know what those Africans are like, etc.?

So I think it takes a little courage to go outside of your group.  I do believe some black women who go outside of their culture do so mainly because they are having trouble getting their own to act right.  And like the original poster said, "you get tired of waiting on the brotha to do right by you."

In addition, I know many sistas eho will never date an African.  They are simply afraid of them.  I don't care if they are dying of lonliness or being being mistreated by a brotha.  I know among your group there are many that feel this way about AAs. You would never marry one of us seriously.   So it goes both ways. 

Again, I can only go by my personal experiences, and of those women that I know who are interested in these men.

Yes, generally I am friendly towards Nigerian men, until he gets on my bad side, by saying something stupid.    Y'all are kind of hard to get along with at times.  I especially like chattin' up men who travel regularly to Nigeria, especially Lagos.

And I am not necessarily saying that black girls only give African boys or men a chance when they are being ignored by their own kind, but sometimes this fact can be a motivation.  Being with someone from your cultural group just makes things easier.  However, life doesn't always work out this way.   You being an African, and knowing how tribalistic your guys are, I know you understand where I am coming from.

Mouk,

Dat ain't a fair nor true statement. I did not create the the bad rep African men have. That is of your own doing. You need to address your brothers about this.

Big Sis,

The fact that you are on this site confirms that you have dealings with Nigerians
and I applaud your courage. You seemed to have deviated a bit in your last
response - I believe the original poster wanted to know why she is often
approached by African men.

To begin a relationship, you have to allow yourself the chance to MEET first. We
are not even talking marriage here. This was my point. She may have certain
turn-on qualites or personal disposition that Nigerian or African men like.

Yes, there are Nigerian men who are domineering, overbearing, etc. And yes there
are African American women who simply don't know how to act. If the former is a
standard Nigerian men behavior, then the latter is a standard behavior among
African American women. Inspite of that, there are Nigerians and African American
women who are married and are doing fine - about as fine as most marriages.

Now you ask yourself, is it not absurd and foolish for a sista that is "dying of loneliness"
or being mis-treated by a brotha to continue to remain in such a situation simply
because she has eliminated anything African from her list? Same can be said on the
Nigerian side too.

I understand the group identification thing, but having lived here long enough (HBCU
experience and all), my experience is that a lot of African American women simply tune
out - they don't even give themselves a chance. Of course, not used to seeing/dealing
with real men (men that are not dependent on them financially or not in and out of jail),
the "domineering and inflexible excuse" sistas have against Nigerian or African men is
often over-exaggerated, I think. Sensible Nigerian men knows by default that that the
dynamics changes when they are married to an African American women because of the
cultural differences.

Big Sis,

Iyke-D stated it superbly; however I must chime in my two-sense on this matter from a woman's perspective.  First, I must address your last comment:

BigSis:

Mouk,
Dat ain't a fair nor true statement. I did not create the the bad rep African men have. That is of your own doing. You need to address your brothers about this.

With all due respect, if you must cite my username, please have the decency to cite it correctly! 

Secondly, understand that the stereotypes which are drawn about African men are established from two areas: 1) outsiders of the situation and 2) insiders (those who were a part of the situation).  Yes, some (not ALL) African men have used some American women in order to establish themselves here in the states.  However, are you forgetting that this is simply the game that is played within every species and every culture?  It disturbs me when a woman is quick to critique and down-grade a certain culture with words so powerful they can be construed as destructive; however, turn around and praise that group with the same mouth that was initially used.  That is what you appear to be doing.  Yes, it is apparent that you have had some bad encounters with African men, either personally or being associated with someone that has undergone such experience.  But what upsets me is that you personally sought out an African forum to vocalize your opinion.  Are you free to voice your opinion?  Of course you are.  However, the forum and manner in which such views are vocalized need to be reviewed closely.  In essence, what you are doing is not right.  And that my dear is MY opinion.  I would not dare post myself on a Black American forum and state how I disagree with how people of that group behave and act--making generalizations that are not supported with relevant evidence, just pure generalizations.  And yes I would be entitled to my own views and opinions, but out of respect I would not do that.  And I truly believe that this is one of the major reasons that sets apart Africans from Black Americans.  However, that is a whole other thread that needs to be started.

Nonetheless, back to your comments.  It is apparent that you are an educated woman, so I will speak to you as such.  Understand that as human beings we are made up of various dynamics, mentalities, behaviors, and beliefs.  Not everyone is the same, despite how much society attempts to condition us all to behave as if we are.  African men are not like Black American men, nor are Italians similar to Latins.  What I am getting at is that you need to respect and appreciate such differences and restrain from grouping the behavior of certain individuals with that of an entire group. It simply is not fair and is unjust to those who legitimately are good individuals who do not adhere to the same behavior.  Would you not be offended if an African man stated, "all Black American women are loud and ghetto?  They are limited in their level of education, have no culture, and are nothing but a waste.  All they seek is to take your money and run all over you?"  Such  generalization you would reasonably find to be offensive wouldn't you?  I would hope so because I would find it to be offensive period (and I'm a Nigerian woman).  You see, it is so easy for outsiders to point fingers and cast stones at things that they are so unfamiliar in regards to--it only leaves uncomfortable and negative undertones amongst others. 

As Iyke-D stated, yes you do need to be commended for finding time to seek to learn and embrace the African culture in some manner (if not you would not be here on this forum).  Nevertheless, if you are truly seeking to gain some form of understanding about the African culture and fully be able to appreciate the associations that you make with African people, you will need to have a more open mind.  Simply discussing travels to Nigeria ("primarily Lagos" is not enough.  Seeking to break against the stereotypes that exist out there is more beneficial.   And in this way only will you come to see in the long run what it is that will make your understanding of other cultures so much more worthwhile.

Believe me I am not antagonizing you in any manner (that is not my intent).  I have dated Black American men, and from my experiences (some good, some bad) I will never vocalize to anyone that ALL Black American men are horrible, women beware, they will use you, etc.  Instead, I will state that I really didn't have a good experience with that particular individual and that he does not represent the behavior of the other multi-million Black American men out there in the world.  Hence, I believe you should consider addressing yourself regarding how you feed into the stereotypes that exist regarding my fellow African brothers, because it is close-minded statements which are articulated that taint the reputation of genuine and outstanding African men.

Mokwuosa,

Likewise, I have dated African American girls over the years. Some were
good, others were not. Some simply liked me and wanted a relationship,
but I wasn't interested. Similarly, there were those that I liked and wanted
to date, but they were not interested. That's just the way (life) it is, but it
will be wrong of me to categorize all African American girls/women same.

Also, on the issue of cultural differences, BigSis' comment to the effect
that "y'all are kind of hard to get along with at times" is also self serving and not helpful because the underlying assumption is that "We are okay to
get along with, but its YOU Nigerian guys that are hard to get along with"
I am not surprised because its the typical American (black, white, etc) mentality
which goes like this: I am not at fault or I can't be at fault, but its you who is
at fault.

Its my hope that BigSis belongs to the group of sistas who are fascinated by
Nigerian men inspite of their shortcomings, and not the camp that have been
abandoned by brothas - I suspect the former. Having said that, its my hope
that she try to do her bit to improve relations between the two sides by trying
as much as possible to present a more balanced picture of Nigerian men to
sistas here. Personally, I have nothing but love and respect for our african
american brothers and sisters - yes, that also goes for those who don't know
how to act.