It’s really absurd that of all existing media, I will choose this medium as my medium of communication with you. But even if everyone else thinks it strange, I believe you will understand.
Madam, I know it is a wrong feeling and I know I shouldn’t be saying it but I can’t hold it back any longer, AS THINGS ARE, AM FED UP WITH YOU AND OUR MARRIAGE. The only reason why am still stuck here is because divorce was not and is still not on my list of options. Actually, am without options.
I know you are quickly going to conclude that I feel this way because;
1. Am a devil
2. You’ve not been able give me children
3. Every other issue apart from the real issues
None of these however changes the fact that am fed up and from where am standing, I can’t predict our future.
You need to know madam that am so starved of affection and care so much so that I don’t even know why I haven’t cheated on you. Actually, I almost did yesterday. Talking about love and care, I imagine you will be asking what more do I need considering that you do my laundry and cook my meals. Thanks for all of that but I’ve always told you I could pay to have these done but can’t pay to have my need to be loved and cared for met without violating my conscience and creed.
It’s such a deep pain also that you make love to me as if you were being raped. I keep wondering what in the world could be your reasons and whether you realise that could be counterproductive? Even if marriage was a mistake, the deed has been done and do you not think we owe it a duty to ourselves and to God to make it work?
I feel less than a man because of your very strong and opposing opinions about everything from what I should say or not say to whom and how I should or shouldn’t say it, how I should run my business or shouldn’t run it. In your small mind you keep thinking everything is all about you. It beats my imagination that you are never able to differentiate between an advice and an order. Well an advice is merely an expression of an opinion where on is not under obligation to act on it while an order is a command given by a SUPERIOR that MUST be obeyed.
You don’t have the slightest regard for me, you’re anything but submissive and you don’t listen to me how much less obey me.
You have so many secrets from me so much so that I sometimes feel I don’t know you at all and so can’t really trust you.
There isn’t anything am saying here that we have not talked about again and again but why they are reoccurring is because we have not actually succeeded in trashing or finding a solution to them. I wanted to say if this marriage has ever meant anything to you, you had better changed but I remembered am not a saint myself so am just making a proposal in the words of someone here; Can we make this marriage work please?

NB: I try very much not to insult people so if I find anyone here begging to be insulted, I’ll simply ignore him/her.

Extremely interesting..... Let the comments begin

Coughs.

laughing

OP, so in short, you don tire. I hope this is not another 16yr old story teller. . Let us assume your wife is on NL. why dont you include her username so that we can go and call her to report here. Or is your wife going to spring surprises for us here. Like the regular NL jamboree? Make una try get job.

You are a sad strange married man, and you have my pity and ofcourse my attention.

If this is true, no need for long talk, show your wife this letter. It may be that she feels she is doing her primary wifely duties,I.e cooking and doing laundry that she has forgotten to show you the love and care u need, and you too don't forget to show her love and care esp since you don't have kids yet, it will really help build the marriage

Isn't there a page for confessions?

@Poster, did it not cross your mind that you coming on Nairaland to write this would make you seem even less of a man i.e a coward? I don't see the sense in you coming on here to tell us of your marital problems when you could sit your wife down and tell her all this in private? From the tone of your letter, it seems you have not even done that at all.

And much of what you complain of there . . . well. . . these are your normal human-to-human problems that could develop in most any relationship and people basically need to work with each other to either overcome or adjust to.

In your post, you talk of the problems you have with sex. Ever considered asking her if she even enjoys sex? I mean that could be a good place to start. And look into signing up for counseling so you two, as a couple can dig deep to find out and work TOGETHER to solve the problem.

You complain that she bosses you . . she is opinionated . . REALLY? You complain of that? What do you want her to do? BOTTLE-UP her person so you can live? Isn't marriage about getting used to yourselves and working around your incompatibilities? I mean grow up . . you are not a kid . .. you are in a marriage and feeling BULLIED because your wife happens to be strong-willed makes me question you as a person. You need to talk to each other and find a middle ground where she can be herself and you can also be yourself. Not come here to try to tell us that you want her to stop FOR YOU. That there shows you probably would be better off living alone.

I can go on, but I think what you have there is a basket full of non-issues i.e issues that are to be expected in any human-to-human heck even human-to-dog relationship(take away the sex part) and would need to be handled in mature manner.

i can imagine what u must av gone tru b4 posting here, hope ur wife is here to read for herself the pain she's causing u.

Isn't it much better to have a conversation with her, or writing her a letter to express how you feel. What are the chances of her seeing this? Even if she does sees what you've written, how would she know it's about her.

Some people just like to spread that dirty clothes out for all to see.

&& why did u refer to your wife as "madam"? Maybe that's why you "feel less than a man" (*in your own words*). From what I've read, it seems like you put your wife on a high peddle stone, when both of you should be equal in marriage. You regard her as being superior to you. A marriage shouldn't be that way.


You need to have more backbone. The more you act like a boy instead of a man, the more she will see you as a pushover.

You need to command respect from her by not demanding it.

Even though i wasn't writing to any of you respondents so far, I feel a need to respond to some of you.
@ Kobojunkie, There was a tapographical error in the last paragraph of my post that made it look like we had not talked about the issues only for me to come online and post. well that has been corrected, If there is one thing we do very much, its talk. Other than that, You are entitled to your opinions.
@Abil, I quite with your notion about commanding respect from your woman without demanding it. Well that's what i do and in my wife's heart heart of hearts, she believes she respects me just that I don't feel respected. Talking about washing dirty linens in public, be reminded that this is an anonymous forum and no one is going to be able to trace this to me except her and like i said, even if everyone else thinks it strange, she is going to be able to relate to it and that's what counts.

acidosis™:
You are a sad strange married man, and you have my pity and ofcourse my attention.

.
Well, that's not so true. Am not a very happy man but definitely not sad. I have this wellspring of Joy in my spirit that does not derive from what's happening or not happening. As for strange, I'll agree with you in a world like ours even though i realise you didn't mean that as a compliment. But even though i have knowledge of what most people in my situation will do, I can't cos am different.
@ Everyone, Thanks.

My heart goes out to you and to your wife as well.

Communication is not the same as talking...in fact the majority of communication does not involve talking.

The issues you have is called lack of knowledge and friendship.....

Grab John Gray's men and from mars women from venus....good you are not thinking about divorce. Your wife honestly thinks she is helping you by being strong minded and taking control.

When last did you buy her flowers, sexy lingerie ? not saying she is a saint but I believe if you help her to bring out her femininity maybe she will be less masculine.

When last did you have sex with her for the sake of discovering her weak points , of studying her body clitoriiisss.....a woman's reaction in the bedroom is a reflection of what happens outside the bedroom.

I am not saying any of what is happening is your fault because to be honest its no one fault......but its you I can speak to since I donot know madam your sweetheart.

The way she is cooking cleaning and not being a sluttt in bed ...you too are paying the mortgage, providing food but no longer buying flowers, sending sexy sms(s), romantic hallmark card and eatting the P....its the classic case of marriage needs a rehaul.....and it takes only 1 person to awaken all that gold rush again and that person can be you....she is also unhappy and unloved ..NO?

You need to find your masculinity, take decisions that have a high % of success so she can begin to trust you, listen to her she has a sharper intuition than you do.

Finally marriage is not by force if you have tried everything and nothing is working: no point trapping your self in hell when heaven might be next door.

I quite with your notion about commanding respect from your woman without demanding it. Well that's what i do and in my wife's heart heart of hearts, she believes she respects me just that I don't feel respected. I know exactly what you mean. Its easy for your partner to feel like this, even yourself inclusive. I fully follow your rule on respect is earned not demanded. I won't push the you must respect me rule and submit to me. Its stated by God so if you love me, then that should follow easily. But I'll say sir is that you have your own role to play as a husband, my guy play that your role to the letter, that the men should love their wifes as christ loved the church and was willing to give his life up for it. Do your bit and hopefully she will change. As per the sex part hmmmm women take those words you hear, every man wants a freak in bed, for goodness sake please learn and be willing, its frustrating when your trying to handle your business and the woman is acting like you are harming her and that she is not into sex with you. You had better go and find where u hid your libido. When you hear men cheat on their wives, this most times is the main cause of it. If you don't like sex for goodness sake why did you marry. Abeg go and find out how to please your man jare. Am sure if you were doing him right he won't be here complaining. My 5cents.

almosttired44: It’s really absurd that of all existing media, I will choose this medium as my medium of communication with you. But even if everyone else thinks it strange, I believe you will understand.
Madam, I know it is a wrong feeling and I know I shouldn’t be saying it but I can’t hold it back any longer, AS THINGS ARE, AM FED UP WITH YOU AND OUR MARRIAGE. The only reason why am still stuck here is because divorce was not and is still not on my list of options. Actually, am without options.
I know you are quickly going to conclude that I feel this way because;
1. Am a devil
2. You’ve not been able give me children
3. Every other issue apart from the real issues
None of these however changes the fact that am fed up and from where am standing, I can’t predict our future.
You need to know madam that am so starved of affection and care so much so that I don’t even know why I haven’t cheated on you. Actually, I almost did yesterday. Talking about love and care, I imagine you will be asking what more do I need considering that you do my laundry and cook my meals. Thanks for all of that but I’ve always told you I could pay to have these done but can’t pay to have my need to be loved and cared for met without violating my conscience and creed.
It’s such a deep pain also that you make love to me as if you were being raped. I keep wondering what in the world could be your reasons and whether you realise that could be counterproductive? Even if marriage was a mistake, the deed has been done and do you not think we owe it a duty to ourselves and to God to make it work?
I feel less than a man because of your very strong and opposing opinions about everything from what I should say or not say to whom and how I should or shouldn’t say it, how I should run my business or shouldn’t run it. In your small mind you keep thinking everything is all about you. It beats my imagination that you are never able to differentiate between an advice and an order. Well an advice is merely an expression of an opinion where on is not under obligation to act on it while an order is a command given by a SUPERIOR that MUST be obeyed.
You don’t have the slightest regard for me, you’re anything but submissive and you don’t listen to me how much less obey me.
You have so many secrets from me so much so that I sometimes feel I don’t know you at all and so can’t really trust you.
There isn’t anything am saying here that we have not talked about again and again but why they are reoccurring is because we have not actually succeeded in trashing or finding a solution to them. I wanted to say if this marriage has ever meant anything to you, you had better changed but I remembered am not a saint myself so am just making a proposal in the words of someone here; Can we make this marriage work please?

NB: I try very much not to insult people so if I find anyone here begging to be insulted, I’ll simply ignore him/her.

Is this for real
Or just another joke

Honestly, how can you call yourself a man if the only way you can address you wife is on NL!

If I claim I wasn't expecting every kind of response on this thread, I'll be lying. However for those of you writing as though you had a comprehensive knowledge of me and my marriage, Just know that all you know about me and my marriage is the much you have read here. I deliberately left out certain details which you are never going to be privy except maybe when i come to your consulting room to consult you on my marriage or personality. All the same, I did say at the onset that i will ignore some people and that what i will go on to do.
For the records,am not an aggressively assertive person but you can be sure I know who I am and what I want. Just before I got married, I dated someone who was agreeable to a fault-almost without her own opinion. That was an extreme with which I wasn't comfortable and to cut a long story short, that relationship ended. So when i talk about strong and opposing opinions, am not wishing for someone without opinions. Am asking for someone who won't always think it robbery to submit to my view should our opinions clash. Marriage for me is not about physical intimacy, I want my wife to be my companion in my thinking as well.

almosttired44: If I claim I wasn't expecting every kind of response on this thread, I'll be lying. However for those of you writing as though you had a comprehensive knowledge of me and my marriage, Just know that all you know about me and my marriage is the much you have read here. I deliberately left out certain details which you are never going to be privy except maybe when i come to your consulting room to consult you on my marriage or personality. All the same, I did say at the onset that i will ignore some people and that what i will go on to do.
For the records,am not an aggressively assertive person but you can be sure I know who I am and what I want. Just before I got married, I dated someone who was agreeable to a fault-almost without her own opinion. That was an extreme with which I wasn't comfortable and to cut a long story short, that relationship ended. So when i talk about strong and opposing opinions, am not wishing for someone without opinions. Am asking for someone who won't always think it robbery to submit to my view should our opinions clash. Marriage for me is not about physical intimacy, I want my wife to be my companion in my thinking as well.

On a serious note, why didn't you discuss the issue with your wife? Like communicate it with her verbally. Communication is key in relationships.
Also, what are the chances of her seeing this? Is she a member?

Let's assume that your wife does read your thread, I don't think it will make her respect you more, or favour your marriage. If I was your wife, I will just laugh after reading it because by you not communicating it directly with me (your wife in this instance), it shows that you're scared and ain't man enough to face her.

Anyway good luck in whatever you're trying to achieve from this.

Please dont be discouraged, you did nothing wrong by seeking for opinions and seeking a way out, You are not washing any dirty laundry, just pouring out your heart. Even if the story is false people are going through this.
Poster let me tell you a story. My first year of marriage was almost as you have described. I had learnt all my life to be the typical Nigerian wife who believed I must wash, clean, and cook every meal, and give constant s3x, sick or not Oga on the other hand didnt feel i needed to stress my self doing any of this, he just wanted to cuddle and hang out, I on the hand had been taught to be the "perfect wife".
Secondly he had lived alone all most of his life and didnt understand the need to tell me his movements, he will just pick his keys and head out, even though he is not the "hang out" type and usually pops out to buy something or run an errand, so as much as we loved each other we were always having these issues, we would try to talk but it would end up in dead lock.
What changed? He wrote me a long email, poured out his heart, just as I was thinking of how to reply him and also "tell him my own" he sent me flowers to my office with a new dress and asked me to wear it after work. Picked me up, took me out for a Movie, rented the VIP box, I was preggy so no champayne, after the movie, we strolled, held hands, went to a park and just watched the moon while sitting on the car bonnet. He told me "this is all I want, someone to share my life with not a cleaner and a cook. I have told you several times but I was advised that its better I show you".
Believe me I got the message, i was happy, relieved and at the end of the day I was better off, less stressed, less angry, and more loving. I dont cook every meal, Dont clean all the time, Dont have s3x primarily to please him but learnt to enjoy love making with him.
Stop talking and start showing her, take your clothes and hers to the laundry, hire someone to help her, take her for romantic dates, surprise her, Make date night a weekly or bimonthly thing.
You are head of your home, respect and submission is earned, false submission leads to bitterness and when lost is impossible to get back.
As for her opinions, Before i was a little docile due to previous experience, hubby helped me be more expressive, now he says he created a monster, lol. Most times I talk he listens or at least pretends to listen, he is very one track minded and finds it hard to accept contrary points of views, but now he knows that is not possible and he works on it. Listen, even if you dont want to accept what she is saying.
If you are a Christian read 1st Corinthians 13, explains it better.
Best wishes

Madam wife, we await your appearance eagerly.
@OP, we all face different challenges. I guess anything legal that will help you keep your sanity is allowed. My attention was caught by the way you feel about your intimate life with your wife- that's just very sad!

Was it always like this or is this a new development? Were there moments that ‘took your breath away’ or was it an arranged marriage? If so, try to re-enact those special moments.

Why not start by asking her how you can make her happy, or doing things you knew turned her on or made her smile before. I believe it takes a lot of imagination to make long-term, complex commitments like marriage run smoothly. A happy and content woman will bend to your every whim; you just need to discover how to get her there.

People usually know what to do; they just need to be pointed in the right direction. So, what’s stopping you?

Thanks everyone and very special to debrief08, loved your story and horny4u, your insight was not far from the truth.
Yes am having issues, I knew my wife was certainly going to read this and she only needed to read through the 1st paragraph to know it was me writing to her. I knew also that she certainly was not going to like the fact that i chose this medium but in my desperate bid to exhale, i ignored the fact that this move was recklessly malicious and could cause discomfort and annoyance to her. In that i erred and now that i realize, am done with both this thread and the username. The admins could as well delete the username as i won't have need for it again.
Once again, thanks everyone.

^Na wa O.

debrief08: Please dont be discouraged, you did nothing wrong by seeking for opinions and seeking a way out, You are not washing any dirty laundry, just pouring out your heart. Even if the story is false people are going through this.
Poster let me tell you a story. My first year of marriage was almost as you have described. I had learnt all my life to be the typical Nigerian wife who believed I must wash, clean, and cook every meal, and give constant s3x, sick or not Oga on the other hand didnt feel i needed to stress my self doing any of this, he just wanted to cuddle and hang out, I on the hand had been taught to be the "perfect wife".
Secondly he had lived alone all most of his life and didnt understand the need to tell me his movements, he will just pick his keys and head out, even though he is not the "hang out" type and usually pops out to buy something or run an errand, so as much as we loved each other we were always having these issues, we would try to talk but it would end up in dead lock.
What changed? He wrote me a long email, poured out his heart, just as I was thinking of how to reply him and also "tell him my own" he sent me flowers to my office with a new dress and asked me to wear it after work. Picked me up, took me out for a Movie, rented the VIP box, I was preggy so no champayne, after the movie, we strolled, held hands, went to a park and just watched the moon while sitting on the car bonnet. He told me "this is all I want, someone to share my life with not a cleaner and a cook. I have told you several times but I was advised that its better I show you".
Believe me I got the message, i was happy, relieved and at the end of the day I was better off, less stressed, less angry, and more loving. I dont cook every meal, Dont clean all the time, Dont have s3x primarily to please him but learnt to enjoy love making with him.
Stop talking and start showing her, take your clothes and hers to the laundry, hire someone to help her, take her for romantic dates, surprise her, Make date night a weekly or bimonthly thing.
You are head of your home, respect and submission is earned, false submission leads to bitterness and when lost is impossible to get back.
As for her opinions, Before i was a little docile due to previous experience, hubby helped me be more expressive, now he says he created a monster, lol. Most times I talk he listens or at least pretends to listen, he is very one track minded and finds it hard to accept contrary points of views, but now he knows that is not possible and he works on it. Listen, even if you dont want to accept what she is saying.
If you are a Christian read 1st Corinthians 13, explains it better.
Best wishes

I wish i wrote this....I really like debrief (not all the time)very wise and intelligent woman.

why are u just watching ur dirty linen in public, why dont u just sit her down and say out ur mind instead of exhibiting dis............hhhmmm,or are u not man enough for dis?

Despite madam does not like this medium, trust the message has been passed, and hopefully you'll both be better for it and work on your marriage. Don't give up, the best years are yet to come, it maybe tough now, but they'll come. Madam please pardon my guys approach, desperate times call for desparate moves. Talk to your hubby find out how and what ways you really show love to him, so that you work and he feels it, its very frustrating when you feel you are working and the person you are working for doesn't not feel you are working. My guy also do well, and be patient with madam am sure with time things will work themselves out and like I said play your role. Have a nice day both of you.

@greatgod please its really not a must to comment, if you don't have anything better than man enough to comment, just bone the thread like you didn't see it. That seems to be the word these days "your not man enough" so until a man raises his voice or hand that's when you feel he is man enough, abeg leave the guy jare, abi na you be the madam in question.

The "you are not man enough" comment is really annoying to say the least$
Everyday women come here to pour their hearts out, we throw them pity parties, give long advices, what wrong has this man done?
Would we prefer he go and start keeping wrong company and then wait for the wailing wife to come and start whinnning so we can break into 2 camps and leave the issue and start fighting?
A man is clearly lost and frustrated, wants to make his marriage work, trying not to take a foolish decision and people are here saying "not man enough"
Is it today people startee washing their dirty linen here? Have we not settled worse cases? How many of them do we know?

greatgod2012: why are u just watching ur dirty linen in public, why dont u just sit her down and say out ur mind instead of exhibiting dis............hhhmmm,or are u not man enough for dis?

Please can you PM me the OP's home address?

I'm thinking of popping in for a quick visit. I like to put a face on the NL names I find interesting (I'm crazy like that. ) so I'd really really appreciate it if you can send me OP home addy or work addy if you are not comfortable with divulging the home one.

Thanks.

Women are brought up to believe all a man wants is food and clean underwears......mothers rarely talk about hugs, cuddles, romance and like wise men are being told women want money only yet many times over a woman has choosen her poorer loverr over a richer one.

Every one wants to feel loved and cherished but the thing is reciprocal.

@ Poster

Hope everything works well ( singing tonight gonna be a good night .....in black eye peas voice)

@ be a man crowd

Do you know we have more men committing suicide by a very large % than women.
After being a man ti ti and the burden makes them jump from the bridge ..you people will no matter what he should have shared it with someone.

Enu won le fa enu le je.....

Sisi_Kill:

Please can you PM me the OP's home address?

I'm thinking of popping in for a quick visit. I like to put a face on the NL names I find interesting (I'm crazy like that. ) so I'd really really appreciate it if you can send me OP home addy or work addy if you are not comfortable with divulging the home one.

Thanks.

Falls down and dies.

horny4u: Women are brought up to believe all a man wants is food and clean underwears......mothers rarely talk about hugs, cuddles, romance and like wise men are being told women want money only yet many times over a woman has choosen her poorer loverr over a richer one.

Every one wants to feel loved and cherished but the thing is reciprocal.

@ Poster

Hope everything works well ( singing tonight gonna be a good night .....in black eye peas voice)

@ be a man crowd

Do you know we have more men committing suicide by a very large % than women.
After being a man ti ti and the burden makes them jump from the bridge ..you people will no matter what he should have shared it with someone.

Enu won le fa enu le je.....

True true, Hope the poster and madam work it out and seal it with kpepus this night

greatgod2012: why are u just watching ur dirty linen in public, why dont u just sit her down and say out ur mind instead of exhibiting dis............hhhmmm,or are u not man enough for dis?

Some men are just too weak. Why has he not taken concrete steps to sort out his home before now? Then he comes here? Anyway I hope the woman takes him seriously sometime soon.