Should I Marry My African American Girlfriend? - Romance - Nairaland
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| Should I Marry My African American Girlfriend? by BobDon: 4:36pm On Sep 24, 2012 |
Hello Nairalanders, I have a very big problem. I started dating an African American girl about three and a half years ago, shortly before I graduated from the university. I was 22 years old and didn’t think much of the relationship when it started. However, after graduation, we became very close. We spoke every night for many hours and we developed a very strong bond. Unfortunately, because I graduated during the height of the recession, I could not find a job. In addition, my quest to find a job was also more challenging because I was a foreign student on a student visa. About 5 months after graduation, I was able to find a job with a multinational corporation but the job required me to have a green card before I could start. I told my gf about this and she decided to marry me to help me get a green card. However, we did this in secret. She did not tell her parents about this and neither did I. Our relationship has been very wonderful and she has been very good to me. My first apartment after getting the job was a cheap roach infested place. She would travel two hours every Friday to spend the weekend with me. Despite the hardship of our surrounding, we were happy just being with one another. This girl loves me and her loyalty to me has been unflinching. However, as I have grown older, I have begun to really embrace my Nigerian identity. When I first came to the US, I thought I was relocating forever. But as I have grown older, I have come to cherish my Nigerian identity. I have come to realize that I am a visitor in America and that I will always be considered a second class resident or citizen. In addition, when I visited Nigeria for the first time in 6 years, I felt happy being home. It was the first time in 6 years I had been in a society where I wasn’t different, where everyone was like me. As I have gotten older, I have come to realize that marriage in America is different from marriage in Nigeria. In America, the divorce rate of first marriages is 50% and the consequences are financially devastating especially for the person who makes more money in the relationship. For some reason, my gf has had a hard time figuring out what she wants to do from a career standpoint and if we got married officially, chances are that she would be a stay at home mom. I have no problem with that because I love her and I believe that if she home-schooled my children they will turn out fine because my gf is very intelligent. In addition, as the son of two working parents, I wish I spent more quality time with my parents growing up. However, I am concerned that if the relationship went sour, I will be in trouble with alimony, child support etc. For some reason, I feel that Nigerians have stronger family values. It appears to me that Americans do not see divorce as a taboo the way we do. Although my gf tells me that she wants to get married only once, I feel like the 50% of Americans who get divorce told themselves the same thing. In addition, I also plan to relocate to Nigeria within the next 10years and because of that, I really would like to be with a woman who has roots in Nigeria; a woman who would have a support system (family and friends) when we moved back to Nigeria. Although, my gf has said that she is ok with moving with me to Nigeria permanently, I find it hard to believe that she will think the same way in 10 years. I am very confused right now. I feel like if I break up with a woman who did nothing wrong to me, Karma would catch up with me. In addition, I almost feel like I would always compare everywoman I meet with my girlfriend and chances are that they may not have the same commitment to my future as my gf has. On the other hand, I have stopped having peace of mind in my relationship. I keep thinking about my relatives who have had failed marriages to African American women and I keep wondering whether I will end up like them. My parents are against my relationship. My mother told me that I cannot know if another woman will be as committed to me because this is my first relationship. She has told me that I shouldn’t be a weak man. According to her anecdotal evidence, most marriages between Nigerians and African Americans fail. I don’t know what to do. I want to be happy, I want to have peace of mind, and I want to have a clear conscience. What should I do? Any advice you can provide will be deeply appreciated. |
| Re: Should I Marry My African American Girlfriend? by Chanchit: 5:31pm On Sep 24, 2012 |
Hmmm, this is a lil bit hard o, but I think it won't be nice, dumping the lady, she knws ur plans, and she's still ready to be with you, I think you should jst go ahead and marry her, but the agreement should be well documented, that should incase she changes her mind, the children will be going with you to ur country. And one more thing, she must work o, house wife era is long gone. That way you might both decide to move back before the ten yrs target. |
| Re: Should I Marry My African American Girlfriend? by Okontami: 5:35pm On Sep 24, 2012 |
@Bobdon, what is your mind telling you, try to be truthful to yourself. Ask your self the following questions: 1) Do i really love this Lady 2) Can i cope with her and her excesses 3) Do i want to spend the rest of my life with her 4) Can she also be there for me 5) Am i being selfish 6) What values have i added to this lady's life 7) What values has she added to me Ask your self heart probing questions and make sure you are not being selfish about your decisions. Most time we make up our mind based on the fact that we are not seeing light at the end of the tunnel with our partners, while a little heart to heart discussion would have solved the problem. Please don't take hasty decisions. But come to think of it....Why are men so wicked and heartless? When she was helping you with your immigration status, she was heaven on heart to you??, when you were busy ban*ging her right , front , back , mouth and center she was everything to you. Now you are making small change she has suddenly become someone that does not imbibe the Nigerian core values. Were you daft when you first approached her. Guy, don't get me angry. Discuss, heart to heart with her. Let her know your core values and aspirations. Guide her too and you will see that you guys will be happy. 1 Like |
| Re: Should I Marry My African American Girlfriend? by Nobody: 5:57pm On Sep 24, 2012 |
you never know what your marriage will be like no matter who you marry. there is no guarantee. it's always a risk. 1 Like |
| Re: Should I Marry My African American Girlfriend? by Nobody: 6:00pm On Sep 24, 2012 |
I think you should marry her. The Nigerian ladies you are even talking about; you will be sorry if you married any one of them. The good ones do not exist any more and if they do, they are too few. They are greedy as hell. Do you think any Naija lady can help you like that Africa-American angel? Hell no. About divorce, Naija should have the highest rate in the world if we had a proper documentation. The only difference is that in Naija, you ain't paying no shiiit to any woman if she decides to leave you. I will stick to a woman who helped me even if I am not shure of tomorrow. A world is enough for the wise. Naija babe is no go area. Be wise or you will be sorry. 5 Likes |
| Re: Should I Marry My African American Girlfriend? by omega25red(m): 6:13pm On Sep 24, 2012 |
poster im sort of in your shoes because i am actually going to marry my chick. My whole family knows her but my mother knows better than to tell me that b.s that AA women would always turn around and hurt you. So funny all our mothers have a friend who married an AA woman who destroyed their lives. it's your life and you have spent 3 years getting to know her right. So what do you think after 3 years? i say if you love her marry her and live your life. If it doesn't work out, chuck it up to "sh1t happens" There are no garuntees in life except death and that it self comes too soon sometimes. I say this to say squeeze every joy you can get out of life into your life. Dont waste time trying to please everyone because they will never be satisfied. Your satisfaction and happiness is most important and number one. 1 Like |
| Re: Should I Marry My African American Girlfriend? by Salligreen: 6:24pm On Sep 24, 2012 |
tpacalipse: I think you should marry her. The Nigerian ladies you are even talking about; you will be sorry if you married any one of them. The good ones do not exist any more and if they do, they are too few. They are greedy as hell. Do you think any Naija lady can help you like that Africa-American angel? Hell no. About divorce, Naija should have the highest rate in the world if we had a proper documentation. The only difference is that in Naija, you ain't paying no shiiit to any woman if she decides to leave you. I will stick to a woman who helped me even if I am not shure of tomorrow. A world is enough for the wise. Naija babe is no go area. Be wise or you will be sorry. |
| Re: Should I Marry My African American Girlfriend? by davida222(m): 6:35pm On Sep 24, 2012 |
tpacalipse: I think you should marry her. The Nigerian ladies you are even talking about; you will be sorry if you married any one of them. The good ones do not exist any more and if they do, they are too few. They are greedy as hell. Do you think any Naija lady can help you like that Africa-American angel? Hell no. About divorce, Naija should have the highest rate in the world if we had a proper documentation. The only difference is that in Naija, you ain't paying no shiiit to any woman if she decides to leave you. I will stick to a woman who helped me even if I am not shure of tomorrow. A world is enough for the wise. Naija babe is no go area. Be wise or you will be sorry.U are Rite Lad, u will be makin a big mistake if u get maried to a Nigerian lady. A word is anof for d wise. |
| Re: Should I Marry My African American Girlfriend? by jellyloveb(f): 6:38pm On Sep 24, 2012 |
@Poster, like some people rightly said before me, there is no guarantee in life. Especially when it comes to marriage. What makes you think that any Nigeria girl you 'll choose to marry in the future will love you for who you are? And if you choose to marry a Nigerian girl today, you know you 'll have to start from scratch to get to know her very well before you 'll even think of marriage. So, i 'll advise you to think twice before you make a decision that may hunt you for the rest of your life. Like someone said before me, I 'll also stick to any man that was there for me in my most difficult time, b'cuz that is how you know someone who really loves you. |
| Re: Should I Marry My African American Girlfriend? by jellyloveb(f): 6:49pm On Sep 24, 2012 |
Our relationship has been very wonderful and she has been very good to me. My first apartment after getting the job was a cheap roach infested place. She would travel two hours every Friday to spend the weekend with me. Despite the hardship of our surrounding, we were happy just being with one another. This girl loves me and her loyalty to me has been unflinching. What else are looking for? The bolded says it all! She travel 2hours every Friday just so she could be with you in your roach invested crib. Do you need a rocket science to tell you that she loves you? And btw, stop generalizing, b'cuz Mr A and B got married to an AA, and their union ended in divorce, it doesn't mean yours will be turn out to be the same. |
| Re: Should I Marry My African American Girlfriend? by 190theclown: 6:55pm On Sep 24, 2012 |
OP U have a gold 4 a wife Better stay wif her and ignore dat nigerian mentality in u Jesus Do u know what Nigerian women are currently doin these days Or do u want me 2 start harvesting threads upon threads of what these women are doin Smh |
| Re: Should I Marry My African American Girlfriend? by davida222(m): 7:26pm On Sep 24, 2012 |
jellyloveb. is rite @ poster dont u ever in ur life get married to a Nigeriaa girl. they all are useless.. dont worry somebody will marry then either a pastor or an iman as dat guy said. |
| Re: Should I Marry My African American Girlfriend? by Nobody: 7:26pm On Sep 24, 2012 |
The sad truth is that OP is talking nonsense because he now has a green card. . . Where was all these long sermon about values before? I can't even bother typing further. . . 1 Like |
| Re: Should I Marry My African American Girlfriend? by Metalgoong(m): 7:47pm On Sep 24, 2012 |
@Poster Marry a Nigerian girl in America at your own peril. . . So long as you are living in America, there is no difference between a Nigerian girls or black American girls. Be Warned !! |
| Re: Should I Marry My African American Girlfriend? by BobDon: 8:48pm On Sep 24, 2012 |
sexkillz: The sad truth is that OP is talking nonsense because he now has a green card. . . Where was all these long sermon about values before? I can't even bother typing further. . . Please do not judge me. I have been with my gf for 3 and a half years and I owe it to her to let her know if we are in this for the long haul. This is the most important decision of my life and I need to get it right. We have had a wonderful relationship and the issues I mentioned are the biggest reservations I have and I just want to know if they are legitimate. My family says that they are legitimate but I love her too much. My goal of posting is to get an objective third party assessment. I dont want to make the wrong decision because I am blinded by love. If I do, my entire family will be ready to say "we told you so." |
| Re: Should I Marry My African American Girlfriend? by JallowBah(f): 9:28pm On Sep 24, 2012 |
Honey.. In my country the divorce-rate is almost as high as in America. I knwo my husband had some thoughts like you in the beginning, because he also have seen how many marriages, specially between scandinavian and africans, that goes sh.itt. In the western society, they tend to think that if something gets broken, you buy something new, instead of fixing it. But not all of was raised like that, and not all of us see it like that either. Some of us still believe in marrying ONE person, and doing everything in their power to keep the marriage going, and live through sickness and health. And some of us dont mind if we live here or there, but; her family might cause problems later on on that part, when you have kids. She shows interest in your culture, she married you to help you with papers, she drives hours just to spend time with you, and I would bet she helped you with money when you needed it, before you got a job. She want to move with you to a completely different country, because she loves you. ...really, what more can you ask? |
| Re: Should I Marry My African American Girlfriend? by claremont(m): 9:35pm On Sep 24, 2012 |
@OP: You have a rare gem for a wife who has done a lot for you. I live my life by the golden rule i.e. do unto others like you would like others to do unto you. If you were in your girlfriend's/wife's shoes, how would you feel?! If I were in your shoes, I would stick to the lady who has done a lot for me to live the good life. |
| Re: Should I Marry My African American Girlfriend? by blasterman(m): 10:12pm On Sep 24, 2012 |
Be careful of child support cos that is 50 % of ur monthly income . Alimony or spousal support only comes after 10 yrs of marriage. You have to be careful though cos AMerican women can flip in 1 second. If ur lucky ur woman comes from good family no yawa but if she is a ghetto girl make overkaku b ur middle name cos dem no dey slack for dat kind thing. Divorce is so easy to do and when they know u gats dough that is another motivation. U can marry her but just know ur in injury time one missed penalty game over |
| Re: Should I Marry My African American Girlfriend? by DukeNija(m): 10:28pm On Sep 24, 2012 |
Dude I feel you and where you re coming from. I need you to realise that marriage is about Love, Tolerance, Commitment and That good feeling. The questions you need to ask yourself are: 1. Does this woman fit my perfect picture of a Wife? 2. Does she share my dreams/beliefs/Fears. 3. Is she committed to our relationship? Love isn't everything. There are common things couples need to Soar. I'll tell you what, tribe doesn't make a woman Good. There are lots of Nigerian Women who believe in Divorce much more than AA Women. Nigerian Marriages aren't the best I'll tell you. Don't lose a good Woman who's part of your good history because of senseless attachments. Ask Obama. Just Pray and Let God guide you. |
| Re: Should I Marry My African American Girlfriend? by JallowBah(f): 10:28pm On Sep 24, 2012 |
blasterman: Be careful of child support cos that is 50 % of ur monthly income . Alimony or spousal support only comes after 10 yrs of marriage. You have to be careful though cos AMerican women can flip in 1 second. If ur lucky ur woman comes from good family no yawa but if she is a ghetto girl make overkaku b ur middle name cos dem no dey slack for dat kind thing. Divorce is so easy to do and when they know u gats dough that is another motivation. U can marry her but just know ur in injury time one missed penalty game over Lol.. Taken from online courtlaws from USA: To figure out the child support for a primary custody arrangement, do the following calculation: Gross income Deductions = Adjusted Income (AI) AI x Percentage (see below) = Child Support 1 kid: 20% 3 kids: 33% 2 kids: 27% More kids: 3% for each If the calculation results in a support amount below $50.00, the support amount will be $50.00 a month. The minimum calculation for a primary custody arrangement is $50.00. If your AI is over $105,000, you may be eligible to use the high income cap. Rule 90.3 says that the portion of an adjusted annual income over $105,000 will not be used in calculating the child support amount, unless the other parent presents evidence showing the higher income should be used in the calculation. If the cap is used, the AI will be $105,00 for the calculation. -- Why are trying to scare the boy?? |
| Re: Should I Marry My African American Girlfriend? by Nobody: 10:36pm On Sep 24, 2012 |
Someone is looking Gorgeous in their Display Pic...  |
| Re: Should I Marry My African American Girlfriend? by MrsChima(f): 10:56pm On Sep 24, 2012 |
carefreewannabe: you never know what your marriage will be like no matter who you marry. there is no guarantee. it's always a risk. That's true. Just because you marry someone in the same group, caste, social status, region, religion, culture, and nationality doesn't mean you will have a successful marriage but it doesn't mean your marriage will fail. We need to think the results we want in our marriage or relationship. If we think our marriage WON'T LAST OR SUCCEED that exactly what WILL HAPPEN. Our mouth speak LIFE AND DEATH. Someone made a statement that Nigerians and Black Americans union always fail....regardless what nationality the woman or man is...if they entered the marriage with a scammer...there is no positive testimony. How can a marriage succeed base on lie and deception  Exactly. |
| Re: Should I Marry My African American Girlfriend? by MrsChima(f): 11:10pm On Sep 24, 2012 |
jellyloveb: EIther she love him or she is retarded...any chick that travels hours to be with me as a man....I would take notice and appreciate that. But you are right though....there are failed Black American to Black American marriages, failed Nigerian to Nigeiran marriages, Failed Black to White marriages, and failed dog to human marriages. Do we not marry because OF ONE'S FAILED MARRIAGE or do we take a chance on our marriage succeeding because we have entered it in good faith? That's how matured adults should think and people have said the same thing about my husband and I. Two of the haters are NOW SEPARATED and one is divorced. We are still married and will be welcoming a new member to the family.  The secret? We both love each other, entered the marriage in good faith, and are committed to our vows to make it "work" no matter what.  I would be old and gray giving my husband a lap dance at his 60th birthday party.  |
| Re: Should I Marry My African American Girlfriend? by MrsChima(f): 11:15pm On Sep 24, 2012 |
Duke_Nija: Dude I feel you and where you re coming from. Exactly. President Obama has a GOOD WOMAN regardless of her nationality...she is a good wife and mother. That's what a man should look for and if she happens to be green... oh well. My husband and I actually wrote President Obama and Mrs. Obama, a letter thanking them for being such a model couple and we wish them much more happy marriage and prosperity. |
| Re: Should I Marry My African American Girlfriend? by tellwsdom: 11:17pm On Sep 24, 2012 |
Please beware of mshew chima's siblings--They divorce real quick  |
| Re: Should I Marry My African American Girlfriend? by MrsChima(f): 11:19pm On Sep 24, 2012 |
tellwsdom: Please beware of mshew chima's siblings--They divorce real quick The siblings that are married...are STILL MARRIED. They got married before I did. |
| Re: Should I Marry My African American Girlfriend? by tellwsdom: 11:19pm On Sep 24, 2012 |
Mrs.Chima: Your aimless letters are in the bin--come and check them  |
| Re: Should I Marry My African American Girlfriend? by MrsChima(f): 11:21pm On Sep 24, 2012 |
tellwsdom: Awww jealous? You wish you have a marriage like the Obamas huh? |
| Re: Should I Marry My African American Girlfriend? by tellwsdom: 11:24pm On Sep 24, 2012 |
Mrs.Chima: God forbid...They yansh too much, dats the reason they don't get fat  ....btwn speak about ur own and not someone's |
| Re: Should I Marry My African American Girlfriend? by MrsChima(f): 11:26pm On Sep 24, 2012 |
tellwsdom: I spoke about mine blind bat. |
| Re: Should I Marry My African American Girlfriend? by laberry101(m): 11:45pm On Sep 24, 2012 |
BobDon: O boy I feel you man, and having d family to tell you that isn't going to be Fun at all! |
| Re: Should I Marry My African American Girlfriend? by deniyor: 11:53pm On Sep 24, 2012 |
My story is quite similar to yours so i know what you sure going thru. Good luck figuring it out. |
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