Raising Your Children Nigerian, When You're Married To A Non-nigerian?

Having married a non-Nigerian and having two children with him, I have reached a cross-road that most multi-cultural family's reach. The issue of values and whose upbringing takes priority. I am happy to say that for me, mine take priority. I have a very strong sense of African value and I want to impart this to my children. My husband doesn't mind so much, because he agrees with me on many points, like discipline. I don't whip my children, but they know want a spanking is and they don't want one. I am also bringing them up with a very healthy respect for adults, again something my husband and I are in agreement on. My children are not allowed to talk back to adults. Responses, are not "what, yeah and whatever", but "Yes ma,am No Sir, yes mom, yes dad".

This is where I run into a conundrum because my in-laws, my husband's siblings are not quite as strict to say the very least. When they call their children, they're answered with "WHAT?!" or "I'M BUSY". When my children are around their cousins for a significant amount of time, they emulate them. So after an afternoon with her cousins, the next time I call to my daughter, I get a "WHAT?". I put a stop to that right away!. There are other things as well, There is a lot of inappropriate television programs on in their home, and no I don't think it's okay for my 5 year old to watch the Sopranos.

So now, I don't like to spend time with my in-laws, I don't let my children sleep over. My husband knows why I have chosen this path, but my in-laws are pissed off to the nth degree. I've been called selfish and judgemental. I know that this issue is not necessarily just the domain of multi-cultural families, but I believe that there is a fundamental difference between my African household and their American one, an intangible that I can't put my finger on.

Am I being judgemental? I mean who's to say my household is perfect?

hmmm, well i grew up in nigeria and believe me my mum is even worse than my dad when it comes to discipline, u aint being judgemental at all, i know wat u are going thru, it happened to a family friend too. but ure lucky in ur own case ur husband understands wat u want to instill on your kids, this family i knew lived in nigeria, and the husband a white was really spoiling their kids as in,

the nigerian woman of cos tried every means to put a halt to that, finally they get separated and believe me after 2 yrs this children changed, the sturbon boys whom i am always scared to even say hi to, became thses shy guys whom are scared to even look at me on my face

one thing is that you shouldnt care wat other people say baout you or anything when it comes to your children, when the problem comes in the future, ( i aint praying for you to ave one) just general as in wen a person who doesnt discipline the kids start facing the consequences, you would be left to face it alone, this people would not be there, i'll advise you not to mind anyone and train ur kids how you want aand not minding what others say about you, kids tend to learn alot from peer groups when they are young,

wish you the best!!!

If Nigerian cultural values are superior, then why is our country lagging behind in all sectors? Count yourself lucky that you have a husband who leaves you to run his family as you wish. I would never allow that.

Nwoke we are not lagging behind in all factors. You need to see what these kids are turning into, crazy and have no respect for authority.

If i have kids here, i'll probably send them back home for high school, they can come back here every holiday. before they tell me to shut up!

17 year old gets pregnant, and has a baby daddy the whole family is happy and encourage her to have more? what the #@!!!*?

we are lagging behind in corruption, and that's because no one knows tomorrow. even state governors are impeached overnight, ministers are fired without procedure, workers are underpaid. What do you expect someone in the postion to make some money on the side to do? Turn the other cheek and look away!

I don't think there is any way that the in-laws would understand. no one wants to believe that someone else's way of raising kids is superior to their own.

A thread on how Nigerians raise their children- https://www.nairaland.com/nigeria/topic-9657.0.html

I'd like to hear some of your views.

Thanks.

Eniola, you are liberty to limit your children's association with their cousins, for fear of them emulating their uncivilized behaviour. Heck, who are your inlaws to complain? Who will be the ultimate loser if something goes wrong with your kids at the end of the day? Tell them that you don't condone the behavior of your kids talking back at you, and while not pointing fingers at their kids, you can tell them that you have grounded them for discipline.

Talk about today's kids in America. Some of them are very insulting and vulgar. I blame the society for the most part. Disciplining your child is now a taboo that may land you in jail.

I am not a parent but I am a teacher. I teach in the suburbs which is supposedly "nice & cozy" unlike the inner city. But let me tell you, this children are spoiled to the nth degree. The disrespect is almost unbearable. Honestly I bear it by the Grace of God alone. The first day, when a 10 year old, 5th grader yelled in my face. Then later on one of the "nice girls" is rolling her eyes but I asked quite nicely for her to put a magazine away while I'm giving instructions. On the playground boys are running after girls to pinch their butts or pin them to the ground if they fall and you hear the word "bitch" ALL the time. (I'm short so I blend into the playground & the children don't censor themselves.)

Please, please teach your children respect. So many ppl want to do well by their children and in return the children must learn the hard way (from life) that no one in the "real world" is going to put up w/ back talk, eye rolling, bad attitudes.

Also, manners make ppl more attractive. Who wants a mate who says "What?" to the sound of their name or "answers a question with a question". Don't be fooled some of the things that seem like casual rudeness or sloppiness is instilled.

Nwoke:

If Nigerian cultural values are superior, then why is our country lagging behind in all sectors? Count yourself lucky that you have a husband who leaves you to run his family as you wish. I would never allow that.

just the kind of husbands we dont need. didnt you read her post she said her husband does not mind, and they are in agreement on a lot of things. it is the in-laws that are causing wahala. and she never said nigerian cultural values were superior. lol how can you be superior to something that is not there. in yankerz there are no cultural values as we find them here. a man who stands for nothing will be deceived by everything

so my dear eniola, be tactful but big ups to raising responsible nigerian-american kids

@chinani, i hope to be teaching 11th graders chemistry this summer, any tips?

Be stern/ strict early b/c it is easier to "chill out" than it is to "tighten up" or become or strict. I was also an R.A for 3 years in college & it was the same story there. The students will take you seriously etc. They already know that the purpose is to learn but want an authority figure to enforce it. (That's my take on it anyway.)

State rules of your classroom promptly & clearly at first. I've worked just a little bit w/ high schoolers and they seemed to police themselves after I stated the law. They responded well to the promise of chill time when work was done and the promise of "success" with the project.

State directions or objective for the day loudly or go over them at least. (You'll prolly have to restate yourself or answer questions since it is Chem.)

Hopefully your students will be mature and mild mannered.

@Seun

If Nigerian cultural values are superior, then why is our country lagging behind in all sectors? Count yourself lucky that you have a husband who leaves you to run his family as you wish. I would never allow that.

O boy, wetin happen, why did you change your Nick, whats the deal with Nwoke, or you just got an Igbo Chieftancy Title?

lol@kimba

it did sound a lot like seun our omnipotent admin, but i was like nnah! his name cant be nwoke lol

Nwoke:

If Nigerian cultural values are superior, then why is our country lagging behind in all sectors? Count yourself lucky that you have a husband who leaves you to run his family as you wish. I would never allow that.

who is talking bout nigerian culture, some non nigerians are even more strict than us, it aint nigerian value its just that u know wat is best for ur kids and train them well

It is incredibly reassuring to see that I am not alone here. And please note, I am not saying that my values are superior by any means. I do believe that I have a better handle on them. It's like most of the adults around me have forgotten how they were raised.

I'm also very glad that I'm not married to Nwoke. we'd have issues!

This is a topic that I am constantly dealing with myself.
I am currently dating a guy and we might actually end up getting married. Now I am Nigerian and a catholic, while he is white and Jewish. Lately we have been having a lot of discussions about the way we would raise children. And its been great because he says he completely understands the need to raise children up close to their roots. We even discussed moving to one of my home countries, (either Ghana or Nigeria) and making sure the children would have great opportunity to really know their roots and are raised with good values.

I completely understand the fear of the influence other kids would have on my children. I completely understand and commend you on taking action! I would do exactly what you are doing. Kids in the country, or born in this country (which unfortunately includes my little brother) have become to use to curse words and disrespectful bhavior and its really unfortunate! I say you keep it up. You are their mother, do all you must to protect them!

Well the culture thing should avoid all biase for me to agree. For example,its nonsense to say that a kid should not talk when adult is there. Its just does not make sense. I will not mind my kid chalenging adults. I was beaten for doing it when i was young but the truth remains that now am grown. I still cling on my "thing" Let the kids free. Dont beat them, even if they are in nigeria. I was beaten in nigeria. It is not good. I hate it. I will not do that to my kids. I will purnish them other ways but not beating, it will be worse

All this superior african values talk is a whole load of bullshit. All the white kids i know grow up to be what they want to be. Even some of the black ones who dont fall into the hood life.

Now i understand a parent wanting his kid to know his cultural roots, but trying to make it look that other people dont grow up well and it is only africans that grow up well is a complete sham. Africans are one of the most timid set of people on earth so the way they are raised also has negative effects.

@ Sage " Aficans are definitly not the most timid people on earth"

I believe she should bring up her children in the right way. She is doing a great job and should be applauded.

please do not play chinese whispers on this thread. eniola did not say anything about superior african values and she has repeated that, it was seun that brought it up from thin air seemly, so do not direct the thread on a slant that the original poster did not intend

Hi.
I'm British, My Husband is Nigerian.

Whilst I understand that there are a lot of badly spoken / badly behaved people out there and (I dont mean to sound funny) that a lot of nigerians seem to believe that white women are how shall I say Loose and dont fight for their marriage and the children here can be disrepectful.

It wont matter where or how i bring my children up - they will have good maners.
Of course they will know and be part of their Nigerian heritage - that is part of who they are! But they are also British Too - and it's important that we get a good balance.

No matter what - I wont have my children miss behaving, disrecpecting or anything else that will cause people to comment about how my children behave (you know what I meen - when you have visitors and there kids are just a nightmare to have, and your truely glad when they leave).

I was taught my maners when I was young and I was smacked too - it didn't hurt me! So it wont hurt my children.
Emma

I think your in-laws are in a way right for getting pissed off at you.I would like to think that they want your family to be close knit and by separating your chirldren from them,you are breaking them away.Besides that,it would look like you are challenging their way of bringing up their children when they see absolutely nothing wrong with the way they have brought up their own children.
Am not challening the fact that you are giving your children a strict upbringing and teaching them good attitudes,that is very good-a lot of parents cannot do that,but i think you should find a common ground that would leave everyone-including your children satisfied.I dont have any suggestions to make in terms of finding a common ground but when you look properly into your situation you will find a way to reach a compromise and make everybody happy.
Good luck,i know it cant be easy.

Well I believe that if you are marrying a foreigner then you have to compromise.  I am married to a Nigerian, and I would not tolerate my husband lording his cultural values on me or my children.  However, I was raised that adults should be respected and children should be respectful and mannerable.  However, there are some of his cultural values I don't like.

Since your husband isn't complaining, then there are no problems.  I think you have every right to distance your children from their cousins.  You are the parent.  If you feel they are a bad influece, then it is your responsibility to remove them from this situation. I would do the same. I don't feel you have to associate with people because they are related to you.

People please teach your children some manners and how to be respectful.  I absolutely "hate" many of your children.  They are disrespectful, vulgar, and ignorant.  The kid who is mannerable and respectful will win out with me every time.  No one likes someone elses bad butt children.

I have a friend who was a teacher of elementary students.  She literally "hated" the majority of those children.  The only way she would teach is if she could had pick the children she liked.

Note: I had a very pleasant experience with a little boy of about 6 years. He was with his mama and another woman in the retail outlet. He was such a mannerable and please thing. I feel in love with him. A lady had left her cell phone on the counter, and I called to her by saying "mam, mam!" The boy said I knew you were going to say mam. I said how did you know. He said you say mam, miss, or mister when you don't know their name. If you know their name you say Ms., Mr, or Mrs and their first or last name. I smiled. I had to tell his young mama that she is doing an excellent job with him. Send her son to my house for my daughter in about 20 years or so.

I am already in love with you!
A good mama like you 4 my babe anytime!
Keep the good works going; well mannered children are everybody’s delight and great pride to their parents _{esp fathers who}
Also to you eniola, you are doing something that will delight you in future.

Eniola,

Please know that long after these thread is gone and after some of the people who think you are not doing the right thing log off, you still have to decide how you want to raise your kids.I admire you for being a strong woman.Was it Hilary Clinton that said that it takes a village to raise a child.

I 'hated' my mother for all the works that she made me and my other sisters do in the surulere part of Nigeria to do but years later, I always tell her that she taught me well.
It is that same discipline and respect that i thought my nieces and nephew that grew up with me and they are all doing well. You have chosen the right part as far as I am concerned;God wil give you the grace to ensure your kids do not become another statistics.

Someone told a funny story of a man who sent his three kids on summer holiday in England.When they came back to Nigeria, they happen to be playing a game and one of them exclaimed in a four letter swear word.The father knowing that it was the few weeks in London that had fone a number on the kids brought out his cain and proceeded to give them a few strokes.

They went 'ouch' at the first stroke until the sixth and the father did not relent.At the seventh stroke they shouted 'Yeeehh' and then He knew that this were the kids that he raised not the one that just traveled to London.

Bottomline: raise your kids with the highest moral standard that they can get accustomed to and doing loving them.Do not leave them to a popula opinion or cabnle television( for they will raise your kids for you and they will speak languages you never sat down toi teach them)

Raise up your kids the way they should grow and when they grow up, they will not depart from it.

alpacaem:

Hi.
I'm British, My Husband is Nigerian.

Whilst I understand that there are a lot of badly spoken / badly behaved people out there and (I don't mean to sound funny) that a lot of nigerians seem to believe that white women are how shall I say Loose and don't fight for their marriage and the children here can be disrepectful.

well i am sure you were not loose and disrespectful when your husband married you, and you are not so now. but many a nigerian has seen many an oyinbo who just seems this way, note the 'nanny' reality shows on tv. also it seems a lot of times that american or british cultures from an outsiders stand point dont really have a culture or at best it is bland (i know this is not true, im just reporting) and what they do see, they dont like e.g drinking culture, certain freedoms.

just pointing out

@bigsis, no one is lording anything over anybody , bad rearing practices are bad rearing practices

@Topic

well what i am saying is that ur inlaws might get pissed off because they will feel that they raised up their son to be a good enough husband for you, so y do you now want to raise his kids ur own way, as if they raise up children to be irresponsible.
Children can grow up well in all parts of the world. And supposing ur husband now took the kind of stand u are now taking and insists on imparting his own culture into his kids, are you going to tell him NO because people raised up in their culture are irresponsible and it is only in Africa that children grow up well and everyother kid everywhere does not?

On a general note though, one other thing that some Africans do is always saying that children here and there do not grow up well as if it is only in Africa that kids grow up well. But when somebody looks at the continent that is full of people that 'grew up well' and how it is riddled by various self inflicted problems, it makes one wonder what kind of growing up well that is.

People, please read this ladies post well, well oooooooo! She did not say that she is raising her children the "African" way but instead the way she deems appropriate. Also, her husband supports her so there is no quarrel with him. The children are not being deprived of "culture" or pushed toward "culture" based on anything this lady has offered. She seems to only be wondering about the offended in-laws.

exactly, no one i saying any nigerian way of bringing up children, some naija kids are even worse than whites, whatever way you seem is appropriate please train your kids like my mum is even worse than my dad when it comes to discipline and she aint nigerian, so i dont believ in trainning your child in a naija way or british or even swahili, just train them the best way so they can be assets to the society and not liabilities

Her original title says it all: "Raising Your Children Nigerian, When You're Married To A Non-nigerian?" We are not condemning her, just urging her to see another dimension of the issue.

yeah i see how her title is causing confusion, so eniola you might want to change that!

why would you guys sef be arguing over wether nigerian way of raising kids is superior oor not, its just a matter of choice, you raise your kids how you were brought up,

if raising a child to have Good manners and respect for elders is the Nigerian way; so be it !

This is what i have to say bull-shit and rubbish.
My kids are polite and i teach them to say their mind in a polite way.
There was this Nigerian lady that came here once, she sat on her fat ass and asked my daughter to get her a glass of water . "Bring me water" I told her my child is not a slave and if she cant put please my daughter is going no were.
2 I don't pick friends for my kids they go out with who they like.No need fooling ourselves them am not always with them. If they want to smoke they will smoke, if they want to drink, they will drink etc down to the bad language.
The only thing i can do is teach them to be faithfull to themselves and not copy others because its cool.
Even when it comes to grownups. Not all have good intentions.
If i never allowed them to say no , they will not say no when some bastard grown up is trying to mess them up.
Am not saying they should be rude but children are not slaves and have the right to a mind of their own.