Am a wife and a mother of 3 very adorable children. I met and married my husband while we were both trying to become somebody, he works with one of this multinational coys now. I thought I had a wonderful marriage until 3yrs ago when my husband got a blackberry. For 6 yrs I never had any reason to suspect my husband of infidelity. And no reason whatsoever to go through his phone. I got to found out my husband was cheating on me when he stepped out of the car one day to talk with some people and I was in the car waiting for him. The phone kept buzzing, I picked the phone to try and answer the call but realized it was the pinging thing. I got curious when i saw the face of a girl beside the message, and immediately another face appeared and it was another girl. Apparently he was chatting with some people before I went to pick him up. Curiosity got the better part of me and I battled with the phone till I was able to read all the messages. By the time I finished, sweat was all over me and I was shaking and I realized not only did I not know my husband I didn't even know what he was capable of doing. From the messages I got to know he had slept with a married friend of ours. And they were even planning to meet again. I couldn't even talk to anybody cos even in my family he is a saint. I didn't say a word to him for 5days. I cried my heart out. He begged, cried, called like 100 times a day from office, but I was too sad to even open my mouth. My mom thot it was pregnancy that made me sick. I decided to forgive him after a while cos my house was like a graveyard no laughter nothing even my landlady noticed because I always see him to the car before I go back in and get ready. Never knew that was the genesis of many more tears and lies. I have prayed and fasted so much that sometimes i get discouraged. kept malice, got angry, the only thing have never done is spoke about it. Even in church they see us as one of the most adorable couples. He is a good father to the children. I get whatever I want especially when am angry. He's never abused or maltreat me in anyway. I drive the best of cars and we've never spent summer in Nigeria. He tries deleting messages and calls before getting home and even stores some names as guys name. But I always find out somehow. I've resolved to keep chatting and flirting with an old buddy of mine I met recently at the airport. And I realized for the past 2 months I've not checked my husband's phone or pick a quarell with him. By the time he returns from work am filled with erotic nonsense and even imagine the guy making love to me. Not sure if I want to go to the next level but for now since we live in different states am okay with that. Before u judge and blame and crucify me I think I like the new found peace in my home. Why can't my husband understand that not all Nigerian women are comfortable with infidelity. I hear lots of pple say if the man is taking care of you then u should be grateful. I know he's happy have not gotten sad over any issue. Let's keep it that way.

i am trying to understand what exactly you are saying, but cant finger it....... ONE thing that i've understood very clearly is that your husband is a serial cheater, and you've decided to FORGIVE HIM. oh well, we all know how you "desperate to be married" women think and i hope you feel just the same the day he gets one of these women pregnant (or better yet catch a deadly disease, infect you and make your children possible orphans)

MRbrownJAY: i am trying to understand what exactly you are saying, but cant finger it....... ONE thing that i've understood very clearly is that your husband is a serial cheater, and you've decided to FORGIVE HIM. oh well, we all know how you "desperate to be married" women think and i hope you feel just the same the day he gets one of these women pregnant (or better yet catch a deadly disease, infect you and make your children possible orphans)

MrbrownJAY

I am very much with you when it comes to cheating. But you're too quick in labeling the lady "desperate to be married".
She has described that on the one hand he's a good husband and father and that on the other hand he is a cheater. This ambivalence makes it hard for a woman to leave such a husband. Apart from this, they have children, which makes it even harder to deal with the situation. So what are you actually suggesting?

Poster:

Why did you come on this forum? What advice, if at all, are you seeking?

Where are all the people always insulting naija girls, pls let them come and talk to their fellow man. Your hubby is greedy and selfish. And he knows he's not right. A lot of people will say "pray, m'dear", but here's what will work fast: leave your phone for him to see one of those msgs from your ex. Yes, there will be a fight, but then cry and let him know how lonely and neglected you felt, as he was too busy with all the other women in his life to notice you. If he loves you (heck naija guys feel their wives are property), he'll sit up and worry about you. If he doesn't care, well, sadly you've got your answer. I don't get the selfishness of men: I'm dealing with 2 cases of husbands, who after throwing their faithful wives out for gf, came back years later.

Mrs Ajokealako,

Ako yin po! Lol...

E wo, you need to speak with him about this. Communication is key. Let him know that you know about he's philandering ways! Listen to him, hear him out.. From what you've said so far, you've both been married for quite sometime and I also noted you said he treats you well.

Don't throw your beautiful marriage down the drains, e wo, flirting with that old buddy wouldn't do you any good in the long run, it will only further ruin the wonderful marriage you have both taken years to build.

Seek Godly counsel, so you do what is right.

Don't be deceived Aunty mi, there's no perfect marriage anywhere, don't consider Divorce o, it shouldn't be anywhere on your mind, you are both christians, and as christians we weren't promised a life without battles, this is your own battle, and triumph is all that counts at the end of the day!

As for Brother mi, just speak with him, shey e gbo? It may even have been peer pressure or one of those things men do for ego-sake. Just talk to him, I'm sure he's also a good man, he'll listen if only you'll handle this issue with great patience and maturity. Even if you have to fight, fight with love, remember all the fond memories you both have, remember the lovely kids..

Never stop praying, we need to keep praying for our men, their heart is in God's hand shebi the bible said so...

It is well ma, e ni suru, shey e gbo!


Do away with that old buddy o...God wouldn't like that ra ra....shebi one person said: an eye for an eye will only end up making the whole world blind...don't pay evil for evil..

God bless you ma!!

carefreewannabe:
MrbrownJAY

I am very much with you when it comes to cheating. But you're too quick in labeling the lady "desperate to be married".
She has described that on the one hand he's a good husband and father and that on the other hand he is a cheater. This ambivalence makes it hard for a woman to leave such a husband. Apart from this, they have children, which makes it even harder to deal with the situation. So what are you actually suggesting?

Poster:

Why did you come on this forum? What advice, if at all, are you seeking?

how can he be a good husband? thats a hell of a CONTRADICTION!!!!!!! the OP's desperate mind is the one talking when writing such nonsense. if he is a serial cheat, and does things that clearly is against HER, HER respect, HER family, HER beliefs then he CANNOT be a good husband. the day she opens her eyes is the day she will finally realize that, hopefully it wont be too late.

what other reason is there, if not that she is desperate to be married?

MRbrownJAY: i am trying to understand what exactly you are saying, but cant finger it....... ONE thing that i've understood very clearly is that your husband is a serial cheater, and you've decided to FORGIVE HIM. oh well, we all know how you "desperate to be married" women think and i hope you feel just the same the day he gets one of these women pregnant (or better yet catch a deadly disease, infect you and make your children possible orphans)

.
Mr brown, point of correction I wasn't a desperate to be married type. We dated for 4 yrs before we eventually got married. I agreed to marry him cos he never gave me any reason to doubt him. We were inseparable and always together. I didn't ask for ur type of advice. Am 34 and to some extent I know good from bad. I just wanted to unburden my heart. I don't think u r any different from him, with d way u judged

^^^ I am just giving you my view of the subject.....it doesnt matter how long you dated or how good he was BEFORE.....he has now changed into a beast, and here you are still wanting to continue staying with the BEAST, yet you say you are NOT desperate?! so pls enlighten us by telling us all why you want to stay with this BEAST?

btw HIV is real, dont be fooled!

Madam, this is a delicate issue, honestly I'm scared to say a word cos this is marriage we are talking about here.

So I'm gonna ask, pls answer me.....is divorce an option for you? Do you have a job?

I can imagine how you feel. There is nothing that hurts me more than betrayal but the way forward is what one needs to think about. As I was reading your story- I had the intention of telling you to truly forgive and explain the power and importance of forgiveness - but then I read you forgave and yet he continued. This is tough and I'm sure it hurts.

I don't have the experience to tell you what to do, but what I can say is don't let your present circumstance make you do the things you normally wouldn't do- because your partner is acting like a jerk shouldn't make you lower your standards- please drop communication with the other guy. It might give you temporal relieve but it is also digging you deeper into your hole.

Ultimately,this is a time to draw closer to God - he is our sufficiency. There are battles that primarily have to be fought on our knees. Ask God for direction and wisdom concerning the issue - let me add it is difficult to pray and trust God in this situation- but you have to. Don't cut off communication with God.

Approach him after praying and have a heart to heart conversation with him- I wouldn't expect a 360 change from this talk- because they are usually engrossed and enjoying their sin and can't see clearly- but don't give up. Your words would begin to stir up his spirit. Take your rightful place- keep calling his name in prayer- it's your family it's your husband- they are worth fighting for. However hard it might be, look past the current situation and have faith in what God can do. Involve your Godly parents/mentor/pastor to help you through this process- you need support. Don't change your attitude towards him- do all you can and then stand and watch God come through for you.

My prayer is that God would see you through this experience, give you the wisdom to go about things, heal you and help you love in spite of all. I pray he would restore your peace and your home.

Iagree with MBJ, you are desperate to be married. Your husband is busy spreading love which should be your freely and you are here spilling what?
Just pray he does not bring an STD home one of these days.

And I think your idea of chatting with another guy is just silly. You should just get out of the marriage cos this will eventually end the marriage. So now you are living like two strangers and you both are cheating and this is what you like?
You have issues or maybe its the fact that he pays the bills that is the problem here

[quote author=vivian chinaza]Madam, this is a delicate issue, honestly I'm scared to say a word cos this is marriage we are talking about here.

So I'm gonna ask, pls answer me.....is divorce an option for you? Do you have a job?
[/quote
No divorce is not an option for me and yes I do have a very lucrative job. I tried sometimes last year not to pick his calls for just 4 days while I was away with the kids and he was yet to join us.And my children wanted to kill me asking after him. Especially my daughter who's is 7 and kept saying daddy always calls even when we are not together. How come he hasn't called. I didn't have an option but to pick his call.

I honestly don't see any problem with your marriage. Your husband is MARRIED to you, and you have agreed that he is taking good care of you and your kids financially. Yes, he may be getting some s-ex on the side, but most men in stable relationships do indulge in this from time to time. It does not mean that he doesn't care about you and the kids, he is just trying to express his s-exual fantasies with a bunch of slags.

If you want to also indulge in a bit of s-ex on the side yourself, that is your decision to make. There is such a thing as an open relationship. . .

^^
How can you even say/type that and be proud you did?

[quote author=ajokealako][/quote]

Madam, is this a long distance marriage? Or you guys live together now?

Mynd_44: And I think your idea of chatting with another guy is just silly. You should just get out of the marriage cos this will eventually end the marriage. So now you are living like two strangers and you both are cheating and this is what you like?
You have issues or maybe its the fact that he pays the bills that is the problem here

All ye men are just hypocrites. All ur advice boils down to divorce and am 100percent u would do worse than him if u find same fortune the same age he is.

vivian chinaza:

Madam, is this a long distance marriage? Or you guys live together now?

We've never lived apart except maybe occasional traveling

Mynd_44: ^^
How can you even say/type that and be proud you did?

No Mynd, its you who should be ashamed for typing or saying what you did.

I really wonder how you and Mrbrown concluded that the OP is desperate to be married!..like really?

From her post I could tell this was just an avenue for her to maybe vent and say what's on her mind.

I can smell you guys hitting on the poster to get a divorce! Whatever for? She hasn't said her husband maltreats her except that he cheats which we know majority of men single/married do..

Please cut this woman some slacks, and keep your silly divorce insinuations to yourselves!!

Hypocrites!!

ajokealako:
All ye men are just hypocrites. All ur advice boils down to divorce and am 100percent u would do worse than him if u find same fortune the same age he is.

That is the problem with you people. You keep on making excuses for him and he keeps cheating and hurting you. Are you so silly that you don't realise that he will cheat whether or not he has money? A man that will be unfaithful will be no matter how much he has.
I don't forgive infidelity from men or women and any man who cheats on his wife only shows that she is incapable of meeting his standards. In other words ma'am, you are less of a woman to your husband and he need the other women on the side to complete him. To him, you are not enough and you never will be.
All men are not like this and you don't have to live like that either. Do you really want your kids to grow up with the mentality that it is okay for their husbands to cheat and they can also flirt and eventually cheat? Please stop being silly.
And yes I still say you are desperate to be or stay married

claremont: I honestly don't see any problem with your marriage. Your husband is MARRIED to you, and you have agreed that he is taking good care of you and your kids financially. Yes, he may be getting some s-ex on the side, but most men in stable relationships do indulge in this from time to time. It does not mean that he doesn't care about you and the kids, he is just trying to express his s-exual fantasies with a bunch of slags. . .

This is a man speaking...I totally agree with you!!

wow, tough one there,

you say divorce is not an option(probably for the sake of your kids), as you and your husband are
well respected in church, why dont you raise the issue with your minister.Creating a "happy state of
mind" for yourself by daydreaming about your friend wont satisfy you for long and it might lead to infidelity.

My advice to you -why not try his BB game on him and see how it affects him(no cheating though),if he loves
you and gets jealous , then he might see the pain he is causing you, if not well.............

Endure .

sunnshyn:

This is a man speaking...I totally agree with you!!

i am giving up on Nigerian women (well most of them)

donguutti: wow, tough one there,

you say divorce is not an option(probably for the sake of your kids), as you and your husband are
well respected in church, why dont you raise the issue with your minister.Creating a "happy state of
mind" for yourself by daydreaming about your friend wont satisfy you for long and it might lead to infidelity.

My advice to you -why not try his BB game on him and see how it affects him(no cheating though),if he loves
you and gets jealous , then he might see the pain he is causing you, if not well.............

Endure .

Endure? Seriously you guys are just aaarrrrrrggghhhh. So she should just sit down and be sad and depressed right? This can drive someone insane hope you realise that?

Mynd_44:
Endure? Seriously you guys are just aaarrrrrrggghhhh. So she should just sit down and be sad and depressed right? This can drive someone insane hope you realise that?

She says getting a divorce is not an option, we dont know her reasons for that, but she asked for a way forward
and if divorce isn't one of them, we should suggest other options to her.Divorce should always be the last option.

donguutti:

She says getting a divorce is not an option, we dont know her reasons for that, but she asked for a way forward
and if divorce isn't one of them, we should suggest other options to her.Divorce should always be the last option.

There is noting to endure. She should really consider herself and kids right now cos her husband does not care if she exists again

Where is Shollypopz?? She needs to see this thread.
Those of You asking Madam to Condone a cheat will hear from her. Lmao

Mynd_44:
That is the problem with you people. You keep on making excuses for him and he keeps cheating and hurting you. Are you so silly that you don't realise that he will cheat whether or not he has money? A man that will be unfaithful will be no matter how much he has.
I don't forgive infidelity from men or women and any man who cheats on his wife only shows that she is incapable of meeting his standards. In other words ma'am, you are less of a woman to your husband and he need the other women on the side to complete him. To him, you are not enough and you never will be.
All men are not like this and you don't have to live like that either. Do you really want your kids to grow up with the mentality that it is okay for their husbands to cheat and they can also flirt and eventually cheat? Please stop being silly.
And yes I still say you are desperate to be or stay married

I am not making excuses for him, but to me marriage is much more than what u think. And let me make something clear. And I know it will surely kill him if by any means the children finds out that type of thing. They don't even know we argue. I make enough money than most Nigerian men. The only reason I spoke on dis forum was because I know nobody knows me. why would u advice me to get divorce. I have 3 little children the last being 2+ What do I tell them. He's never raised his hands on me for once. Will you be willing to accept someone like me with 3 children and raise them like ur own. Maybe you've never really been married or u just haven't married someone u really love to know how difficult it is to leave the person for ever. I married for love and I never in million years think dis would happen.

Mynd_44:
There is noting to endure. She should really consider herself and kids right now cos her husband does not care if she exists again

and he told you that? considering her kids, what do you think she has been doing?.

claremont: I honestly don't see any problem with your marriage. Your husband is MARRIED to you, and you have agreed that he is taking good care of you and your kids financially. Yes, he may be getting some s-ex on the side, but most men in stable relationships do indulge in this from time to time. It does not mean that he doesn't care about you and the kids, he is just trying to express his s-exual fantasies with a bunch of slags.

If you want to also indulge in a bit of s-ex on the side yourself, that is your decision to make. There is such a thing as an open relationship. . .

Only someone like you would write something like this!



@OP
No matter how good your husband is, the fact that he's cheating on you overshadows everything else. IMO

sunnshyn: Mrs Ajokealako,

Ako yin po! Lol...

E wo, you need to speak with him about this. Communication is key. Let him know that you know about he's philandering ways! Listen to him, hear him out.. From what you've said so far, you've both been married for quite sometime and I also noted you said he treats you well.

Don't throw your beautiful marriage down the drains, e wo, flirting with that old buddy wouldn't do you any good in the long run, it will only further ruin the wonderful marriage you have both taken years to build.

Seek Godly counsel, so you do what is right.

Don't be deceived Aunty mi, there's no perfect marriage anywhere, don't consider Divorce o, it shouldn't be anywhere on your mind, you are both christians, and as christians we weren't promised a life without battles, this is your own battle, and triumph is all that counts at the end of the day!

As for Brother mi, just speak with him, shey e gbo? It may even have been peer pressure or one of those things men do for ego-sake. Just talk to him, I'm sure he's also a good man, he'll listen if only you'll handle this issue with great patience and maturity. Even if you have to fight, fight with love, remember all the fond memories you both have, remember the lovely kids..

Never stop praying, we need to keep praying for our men, their heart is in God's hand shebi the bible said so...

It is well ma, e ni suru, shey e gbo!


Do away with that old buddy o...God wouldn't like that ra ra....shebi one person said: an eye for an eye will only end up making the whole world blind...don't pay evil for evil..

God bless you ma!!

Thank you. I guess I might eventually talk to someone who can talk with him.

ajokealako:
I am not making excuses for him, but to me marriage is much more than what u think. And let me make something clear. And I know it will surely kill him if by any means the children finds out that type of thing. They don't even know we argue. I make enough money than most Nigerian men. The only reason I spoke on dis forum was because I know nobody knows me. why would u advice me to get divorce. I have 3 little children the last being 2+ What do I tell them. He's never raised his hands on me for once. Will you be willing to accept someone like me with 3 children and raise them like ur own. Maybe you've never really been married or u just haven't married someone u really love to know how difficult it is to leave the person for ever. I married for love and I never in million years think dis would happen.

And this ut confirms it ma'am, you are desperate to be married simple. You don't wanna be alone oh wait sorry, you are scared to be alone