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Being With A Man As He Builds Himself Up From Scratch - Romance - Nairaland

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Being With A Man As He Builds Himself Up From Scratch by True2myself24(f): 2:58am On Nov 05, 2012
Okay so I will try to make this as simple and short as I possibly can. I’ve been in a relationship with this wonderful man for about nine months now. He’s Nigerian and he’s 26 and I’m Ghanaian and I’m 22.

Well, I met him through a friend one day at church; we talked and exchanged numbers and having been talking ever since.

Now in order to understand my situation I’ll tell you a bit about him, he has a BSc degree in engineering from Asia and is currently working on getting his Master’s in computer science.

However, when I first met him he was living in a motel and working at a restaurant because as you know, foreign degrees can only take you so far in America, and he is supporting himself on his own. So in spite of that obstacle he worked hard, and saved some money to move into an apartment and has just started his Master’s degree program.

When I first met him, I won’t lie, I didn’t want to commit to the relationship or get too serious because I kept thinking about the fact that he wasn’t yet settled and it would be very hard bringing him into my community but I gave it a chance because I tend to be friends with people that others probably won’t notice or that are different in some way.

So I got to know him and he’s the most patient, calmest, and loving man I’ve ever met. He’s not perfect but he is who he is and I love him for it. We’ve both been talking about making our relationship long term, like working towards marriage when we’re done with our Master’s. But it may take him a bit longer to get settled down because he is depending on himself to start his life, whereas, I’m blessed to have my parent’s umbrella of security over my head.

Plus I’ve lived in the US all my life so I have easier access to certain job opportunities whereas he’s an immigrant. I’ve asked people for advice and they say that I should wait until he builds himself up before committing to him in a serious relationship, but I think that isn’t fair.

I know being with a man as he builds himself up from scratch isn’t an easy thing, but I love him enough to try. Honestly, I wish I could bring him home and introduce him to friends and family but right now isn’t the right time because if you know how African parents are, what am I going to tell my parents, “well he doesn’t have a real job or a car yet, but he has a degree and is working towards it.” You know they won’t be accepting of that.

They would want to see the finished product. But I believe that when you watch someone start from scratch and grow into their potential, you’re relationship will be much more fulfilling as you look back at where you guys started.

So I want to know, in this situation should I commit to him or let him go and focus on guys that are already ready to settle or almost ready. I do love my boyfriend; don’t get me wrong. When it’s just us in our own little world nothing matters and I don’t care about the fact that he doesn’t have much because I know that he’s working towards it, but it’s when I bring him into my world that I’m reminded of our differences.

So what should I do? And please be respectful with your responses. Thanks.
Re: Being With A Man As He Builds Himself Up From Scratch by UmericanGirl(f): 6:31am On Nov 05, 2012
Really?!?! Stay with the man. Go through that journey with him.

4 Likes

Re: Being With A Man As He Builds Himself Up From Scratch by honeric01(m): 6:51am On Nov 05, 2012
If you can see the prospects in him, why not? it all depends on how far you can see.

1 Like

Re: Being With A Man As He Builds Himself Up From Scratch by k2039: 6:54am On Nov 05, 2012
When it’s just us in our own little world nothing matters and I don’t care about the fact that he doesn’t have much because I know that he’s working towards it, but it’s when I bring him into my world that I’m reminded of our differences.


Stay with him,from your post,it's obvious you believe he has a bright future ahead of him,he loves you and you love him,he is hardworking and focused.

Focus on his great qualities(what we focus on we magnify),the more you focus on his good qualities the more what others say about him matters less.


The whole point boils down to this,if you start with him from the scratch,you will have more say in your marriage with him and obviously you will earn enough respect and trust from him.

Beisde I saw somewhere in your post where you said it will take a little before you settle down,but frankly I dont think it matters,because you still young(22years.


MY2CENT:Everything decision we take in life is a risk that has it own consequence(be it positive or negative).
You have your convictions about this guy(I'm sure he has the qualities you want in a guy except his financial status of which he is working on it),so I say to you follow your conviction.


My Quetion for you:what if you married a rich guy and early in the relationship things turn sour financially,will you leave him?.
Ponder on that question.

8 Likes

Re: Being With A Man As He Builds Himself Up From Scratch by k2039: 6:54am On Nov 05, 2012
UmericanGirl: Really?!?! Stay with the man. Go through that journey with him.
The way you went through the journey with me

2 Likes

Re: Being With A Man As He Builds Himself Up From Scratch by Syncan(m): 8:23am On Nov 05, 2012
@OP,It doesn't look like you're under any pressure from the guy in question,as a matter of fact you didn't tell us if he wants to commit with you. You said"...and we have been speaking since...", so all these thoughts are simply going on in your head in anticipation of him wanting to take it to the next level right? Except otherwise,he might not just be into commitment until he finds his footing,...he is naija afterall..., if you're under pressure from others (interested males), then Its time to chat with your guy seriously, clear the air about your feelings and i believe it will be revealing. If he seriously wants you to stay, then you've just described a rare gem. Grab with two hands!

2 Likes

Re: Being With A Man As He Builds Himself Up From Scratch by DExplorer1: 8:38am On Nov 05, 2012
Hang on!! STEAL some money and PUSH that dude. Help him be who you want in a man. He has got something going for him; good prospects. He also got you in his plans. He just might be that right man since you're so comfortable with him in your "small world".

1 Like

Re: Being With A Man As He Builds Himself Up From Scratch by mashnino(m): 8:50am On Nov 05, 2012
I love the fact that you believe in him very much..

Staying with him is a risk and leaving him is also a risk

So any which way you go pray that it benefits both of you.

You know..He could finally be that man you always dreamed of, after following him

from scratch, and then the shocker of your life will happen. He'd plan on dumping you

for another girl that didn't even know how you guys struggle. That's a situation you know.

I am not saying he is gonna do it nor am i saying it for you to feel discouraged but..

hope for the best and et ready for the worst..

but just stick with him and be careful and helpful too..

2 Likes

Re: Being With A Man As He Builds Himself Up From Scratch by DJDOLA(m): 9:01am On Nov 05, 2012
2 long jaree am tired of readin but it seems u are talkin about marry abi?well am not marry don't no wat 2 say

1 Like

Re: Being With A Man As He Builds Himself Up From Scratch by Nobody: 9:04am On Nov 05, 2012
U have said it 'its when u both start 4rm the scratch and progress that u'll feel ur relationship more fulfilling,as u look back at what u went thru 2geda' pls stick with him. He has an important quality- Vision.he is also hardworking.just give him time buh never leave him
Re: Being With A Man As He Builds Himself Up From Scratch by Nobody: 9:05am On Nov 05, 2012
Stay with d man....d hand that soaketh garri and sugar,,will soon handle spoons in fried rice and chicken....

3 Likes

Re: Being With A Man As He Builds Himself Up From Scratch by kaydibs(f): 9:06am On Nov 05, 2012
A man's true character is seen when he has money while a lady's true character is seen when she's got nothing. That said you seem like you believe in him and all dat stuff plus you say you love him but just be careful. If he is wise he's going to stick with the one who stayed with him through thick and thin.

2 Likes

Re: Being With A Man As He Builds Himself Up From Scratch by Nobody: 9:06am On Nov 05, 2012
cant believe ladies like this still exist shocked . . @ op. .when he makes it big. .u'll be his greatest trophy cheesy . .

4 Likes

Re: Being With A Man As He Builds Himself Up From Scratch by Nobody: 9:07am On Nov 05, 2012
DJDOLA: 2 long jaree am tired of readin but it seems u are talkin about marry abi?well am not marry don't no wat 2 say
What kind of MUMU are u?IMHO,i hav never seen ur type

2 Likes

Re: Being With A Man As He Builds Himself Up From Scratch by Nobody: 9:08am On Nov 05, 2012
Edited

1 Like

Re: Being With A Man As He Builds Himself Up From Scratch by Nobody: 9:08am On Nov 05, 2012
He seems like an admirable, hardworking and determined man. You mentioned his other good qualities too.
If you truly love him, you should know this's the time you need to stay with him and go through this journey with him.
Re: Being With A Man As He Builds Himself Up From Scratch by Nobody: 9:08am On Nov 05, 2012
I think you are jumping the gun, enjoy your relationship and work hand in hand with your man, motivating and encouraging him, not comparing him with others or pressuring him to satisfy other peoples sterotypes.
Has he asked to meet your parents? Why are you shouting marriage when you both are still young and still trying to find your feet? Relax and enjoy dating. As for your parents, only a shallow father will not respect a man who is building his life and working his way to greatness like your man. The one fathers wont tolerate are the "I am waiting for my travel documents/ visa runs" boys who have no plan B, the ones whose sole ambition is to travel abroad with no skills, no plan just travel abroad is the goal.
Calm down and keep supporting him, dont compare him with anyone else, Life is a marathon, allow the guy to stay on his own lane.
Meanwhile I hope you are building your own life not just depending on him to build a future for both of you
I am more bothered that you deem desperate to "settle" at 22, if you want a ready made man leave this focused man please dont stress or rush him, he is a man of vision, come and see his mates at 26 still bribing to pass Jamb. I respect sheer hardwork and determination

10 Likes

Re: Being With A Man As He Builds Himself Up From Scratch by Truckpusher(m): 9:17am On Nov 05, 2012
From my own perspective i think you should let the relationship to flow naturally instead of using material gains as a yard stick to measure how committed you should be in this relationship.But also be very very ready if he dumps you once he's up there....Just talking from experience sha!!!

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Re: Being With A Man As He Builds Himself Up From Scratch by eduson55(m): 9:19am On Nov 05, 2012
[size=28pt]I CAN SEE THE TYPE OF WOMAN I WANT TALKING..
ABEG,LEAVE HIM MAKE WE DATE...
AM A GOOD BOI OO,MORE THAN HIM SELF[/size]
Re: Being With A Man As He Builds Himself Up From Scratch by Nobody: 9:26am On Nov 05, 2012
DONT JUST USE ONLY PUBLIC OPINION, PLEASE, PRAY,PRAY, PRAY HARD. THIS IS YOUR LIFE AND YOUR FUTURE. IT IS A MATTER OF TIME THAT EVERY THING YOU SEE MAY BE A REALITY. I AM NOT AGAINST THE GUY BUT PLEASE NEVER WALK WITH YOUR OWN UNDERSTANDING.
MY BLOOD SISTER STAYED WITH A MAN FROM THE SCRATCH (SOMEONE THAT WEARS A SINGLE SHIRT FOR A WHOLE WEEK, SCHOOL CERT HOLDER, AND SOMEONE THAT PREACHES UP AND DOWN IN MOLUE THEN- i am not agaist that but just to show you his level then while my sister was a graduate and a fashion designer)DESPITE SHE HAD MANY PEOPLE THAT WANTED TO MARRY HER THEN. SHE STAYED IN THE RELATIONSHIP BECAUSE THE MAN WAS A YOUNG HARDWORKING PASTOR THAT SHOWED A LOT OF COMMITMENT. THAT WAS IN LATE 80S. NOW THE STORY IS DIFFERENT AS SHE UNDERGO SERIES OF BEATING AND HUMILIATION FROM THE SAME MAN AFTER HE BELIEVED HE HAD ARRIVED,TRAVELED WIDE, AND ACHIEVED SO MUCH CONGRAGATION AND FAME IN LAGOS. MY SISTER IS NO MORE BEAUTIFUL AFTER 2 KIDS. AS I AM TALKING TO YOU NOW, SHE HAS BEEN THROWN OUT OF THE HOUSE WITHOUT TAKING ANY THING, DESPITE THE FACT THAT BIG PASTORS AND BISHOPS INTERVENED.
I AM JUST TELLING YOU THAT YOU NEED PRAYER AND WISDOM MORE THAN ANYTHING IN ADDITION TO ADVICE GIVEN HERE. MEN,CAN CHANGE AND TIRED OF RELATIONSHIP FASTER THAN WOMEN ANY TIME (especially when we don money), LIKEWISE YOU WOMEN. BUT THE LEVEL OF MEN CHANGING IS FAR HIGHER THAN THAT OF WOMEN. IT TAKES A MAN THAT IS VERY PASSIONATE AND COMMITED TO STAY IN SUCH A RELATIONSHIP WHEN MADE . THATS WHY DONT LEAN ON YOUR UNDERSTANDING. BUT IT MAY PAY YOU OFF SO FAR YOU STIL RESIDE IN AMERICA. I REST MY CASE.

2 Likes

Re: Being With A Man As He Builds Himself Up From Scratch by 2sexy(m): 9:29am On Nov 05, 2012
OP, I should applaud you for being able to see things with your own eyes without the guy telling you; not many ladies have that ability in this present world.

I remember my ex telling me that I don't plan ahead, but the same guy whom she claimed never planned ahead went on to finish school when things where though, when no one could help etc.

The guy she left me for has been slee/ping w.ith her in last 3 years with no plan of marriage that they both got tired of themselves and automatically and silently parted ways.... Without telling the other to go.

My rule is that I dont talk about my plans to my girl, if she is really interested in me, she will patiently see it with her own eyes or at least ask me in the most conducive and acceptable manner.

The fact that you saw things with your own eyes is what I respect most. Your kinds are rare and I am never frugal with my respect for ladies or women like you. God bless you.

STAY WITH! CASE CLOSED!

1 Like

Re: Being With A Man As He Builds Himself Up From Scratch by Ricmayak1: 9:29am On Nov 05, 2012
I am sad undecidedI am sad.
So you will be ashamed if you take him home now but will be proud to present him when he is financially made. Ladies are particularly wicked. You know that he is nice and working hard. Is it a sin if your parents can even support him before you marry? You ladies are a problem the world cannot solve, you can never be natural but rather convincted by the ways of the decaying society. If he is not as rich as your father, you yourself may not be as beautiful as him mother. So, I don't think that he is yours. undecidedI am sad undecidedI am sad.
So you will be ashamed if you take him home now but will be proud to present him when he is financially made. Ladies are particularly wicked. You know that he is nice and hardworking. Is it a sin if your parents can even support him before you marry? You ladies are a problem the world cannot solve, you can never be natural but rather convincted by the ways of the decaying society. If he is not as rich as your father, you yourself may not be as beautiful as his mother. So, I don't think that he is yours.

1 Like

Re: Being With A Man As He Builds Himself Up From Scratch by elothaddi(m): 9:29am On Nov 05, 2012
Well, you need a serious one on one talk with him to be very sure if he wants you be his wife before you commit urself and ask him if his family will accept you and your nationality. Dnt get me wrong, most of my trusted friends were Ghanians.
Nigerian men are heavily influenced by their parents to marry from back home, most especially from their tribe and it takes a real man to stand by you. I am saying this from experience. I am currently in a 6 yrs r/ship with a lady and we intend getting married next year. We are both ibos but from different state and it took a great deal for me to convince my dad and for her to convince her dad and we both stood our ground. Our dads just had this natural hatred abt marrying people from either state emanating from hearsay.
In summary, you need a man that will stand by you and make things clear now and not when he is ready, you start hearing excuses about his parents or people.

1 Like

Re: Being With A Man As He Builds Himself Up From Scratch by Ricmayak1: 9:31am On Nov 05, 2012
I am sad undecidedI am sad.
So you will be ashamed if you take him home now but will be proud to present him when he is financially made. Ladies are particularly wicked. You know that he is nice and working hard. Is it a sin if your parents can even support him before you marry? You ladies are a problem the world cannot solve, you can never be natural but rather convincted by the ways of the decaying society. If he is not as rich as your father, you yourself may not be as beautiful as his mother. So, I don't think that he is yours.

1 Like

Re: Being With A Man As He Builds Himself Up From Scratch by Nobody: 9:33am On Nov 05, 2012
Ricmayak1: I am sad undecidedI am sad.
So you will be ashamed if you take him home now but will be proud to present him when he is financially made. Ladies are particularly wicked. You know that he is nice and working hard. Is it a sin if your parents can even support him before you marry? You ladies are a problem the world cannot solve, you can never be natural but rather convincted by the ways of the decaying society. If he is not as rich as your father, you yourself may not be as beautiful as him mother. So, I don't think that he is yours. undecidedI am sad undecidedI am sad.
So you will be ashamed if you take him home now but will be proud to present him when he is financially made. Ladies are particularly wicked. You know that he is nice and hardworking. Is it a sin if your parents can even support him before you marry? You ladies are a problem the world cannot solve, you can never be natural but rather convincted by the ways of the decaying society. If he is not as rich as your father, you yourself may not be as beautiful as his mother. So, I don't think that he is yours.
IS LIKE YOU ARE NOT MARRIED AND DONT UNDERSTAND. I BET TO DIFER, MEN ALWAYS CHANGE WHEN THEY ARE MADE OFF AFTER STRUGGLING WITH WOMAN, EITHER YOU BELIEVE OR NOT. IT IS THEN EGO WILL COME IN.
MY WIFE FIRST BOY FRIEND DID THE SAME THING TO HER. SHE SPONSORED HIM OF HIS PG AFTER HE COUDNT GET A JOB FOR 4 YEARS USING HER PROJECT MONEY THEN. (EVEN HER FRIEND CONFIRMED IT BECAUSE THE RELATIONSHIP LASTED FOR 7 YEARS FROM WHAT I HEARD). IMMEDIATELY HE GOT ACCESS BANK JOB, LEVEL CHANGED, THATS WHEN SHE WAS NOT RESPONSIBLE AGAIN AND HATRED FROM THIER MOTHER SET IN. BUT THANK GOD I FOUND HER BECAUSE HE REALLY MISSED A GOOD WOMAN.I

3 Likes

Re: Being With A Man As He Builds Himself Up From Scratch by eduson55(m): 9:33am On Nov 05, 2012
are you in anyway related to King Solomon?
4bobo: DONT JUST USE ONLY PUBLIC OPINION, PLEASE, PRAY,PRAY, PRAY HARD. THIS IS YOUR LIFE AND YOUR FUTURE. IT IS A MATTER OF TIME THAT EVERY THING YOU SEE MAY BE A REALITY. I AM NOT AGAINST THE GUY BUT PLEASE NEVER WALK WITH YOUR OWN UNDERSTANDING.
MY BLOOD SISTER STAYED WITH A MAN FROM THE SCRATCH (SOMEONE THAT WEARS A SINGLE SHIRT FOR A WHOLE WEEK, SCHOOL CERT HOLDER, AND SOMEONE THAT PREACHES UP AND DOWN IN MOLUE THEN- i am not agaist that but just to show you his level then while my sister was a graduate and a fashion designer)DESPITE SHE HAD MANY PEOPLE THAT WANTED TO MARRY HER THEN. SHE STAYED IN THE RELATIONSHIP BECAUSE THE MAN WAS A YOUNG HARDWORKING PASTOR THAT SHOWED A LOT OF COMMITMENT. THAT WAS IN LATE 80S. NOW THE STORY IS DIFFERENT AS SHE UNDERGO SERIES OF BEATING AND HUMILIATION FROM THE SAME MAN AFTER HE BELIEVED HE HAD ARRIVED,TRAVELED WIDE, AND ACHIEVED SO MUCH CONGRAGATION AND FAME IN LAGOS. MY SISTER IS NO MORE BEAUTIFUL AFTER 2 KIDS. AS I AM TALKING TO YOU NOW, SHE HAS BEEN THROWN OUT OF THE HOUSE WITHOUT TAKING ANY THING, DESPITE THE FACT THAT BIG PASTORS AND BISHOPS INTERVENED.
I AM JUST TELLING YOU THAT YOU NEED PRAYER AND WISDOM MORE THAN ANYTHING IN ADDITION TO ADVICE GIVEN HERE. WE MEN, WE CAN CHANGE ANYTIME, LIKEWISE YOU WOMEN. THATS WHY DONT LEAN ON YOUR UNDERSTANDING. BUT IT MAY PAY YOU OFF SO FAR YOU STIL RESIDE IN AMERICA. I REST MY CASE.

1 Like

Re: Being With A Man As He Builds Himself Up From Scratch by Nobody: 9:34am On Nov 05, 2012
elo thaddi: Well, you need a serious one on one talk with him to be very sure if he wants you be his wife before you commit urself and ask him if his family will accept you and your nationality. Dnt get me wrong, most of my trusted friends were Ghanians.
Nigerian men are heavily influenced by their parents to marry from back home, most especially from their tribe and it takes a real man to stand by you. I am saying this from experience. I am currently in a 6 yrs r/ship with a lady and we intend getting married next year. We are both ibos but from different state and it took a great deal for me to convince my dad and for her to convince her dad and we both stood our ground. Our dads just had this natural hatred abt marrying people from either state emanating from hearsay.
In summary, you need a man that will stand by you and make things clear now and not when he is ready, you start hearing excuses about his parents or people.

End of. OP, you have to keep the above in mind... most immigrants eventually go home to get hhitched. Just sayin'
Re: Being With A Man As He Builds Himself Up From Scratch by eduson55(m): 9:35am On Nov 05, 2012
mind how you quote on nairaland.i wont warn you again.
some men,not we men**
grin
4bobo:
IS LIKE YOU ARE NOT MARRIED AND DONT UNDERSTAND. I BET TO DEFER, WE MEN ALWAYS CHANGE WHEN WE ARE MADE OFF AFTER STRUGGLING WITH WOMAN, EITHER YOU BELIEVE OR NOT
Re: Being With A Man As He Builds Himself Up From Scratch by Alaafialoro(m): 9:37am On Nov 05, 2012
DJDOLA: 2 long jaree am tired of readin but it seems u are talkin about marry abi?well am not marry don't no wat 2 say
Going by your written english,I think you need to read this type of long post and other articles more than any other person,it will help you.
@OP...All posters above me have said it all,no need to type any advice again.
Re: Being With A Man As He Builds Himself Up From Scratch by Nobody: 9:42am On Nov 05, 2012
eduson55: mind how you quote on nairaland.i wont warn you again.
some men,not we men**
grin
OK SIR, NOTED grin grin grin grin grin grin

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