|Join Nairaland / LOGIN! / Trending / Recent / New|
Stats: 1,705,596 members, 3,247,064 topics. Date: Saturday, 10 December 2016 at 11:44 AM
|African Nerd by Redmosquito(m): 7:20pm On Nov 08, 2012|
O boy! Okay! Thank you very much cuddlemii for moving this story to frontpage! I am really dancing Azonto right now! But ermmmm..... guys who are reading I am sorry for all typos here and there and tense errors, the errors clear out towards the end. I just never believed it would make frontpage. So please forgive me and ummmmm..... I would have loved to correct them oooo!! But O boy! 7 pages of correction?! I will try sha
The aroma is beautiful, so strong and persistent, it can make a man walk on air. “Ooooh!” I grumble, “God abeg no spoil this thing for me” I pray to myself. Kim Kardashian is seated on my laps, we are in a bar, bouncers are all around us, the girl just dey smooch me anyhow, this is the life any right thinking guy will pray for. And now the smell of frying meat wants to spoil it for me, I weigh my options, should I go for Kim K or for fried meat. I make the choice any ajepako would make.
“Oooooh!” I grumble once more before flinging the blanket off of me. “My dream don spoil now” I say to myself as I stare down the magnanimous bulge in my boxers. I use thirty seconds to curse Testosterone. As I put on an extra trouser in a bid to hide the bulge, I try to think holy. Holy thoughts control my testosterone.
With the embarrassing bulge taken care of, I slowly open my room door. I look into the passageway, nobody in sight. I listen for sounds, nothing there either. As swiftly as a ninja I tiptoe into the kitchen, I put my nose into the air. Yes! It is still here.
I look in the pots, I look in the oven, I look in the cupboards, I am as stealthy as the cat bugler I am. I never expected it to be easy, but I never expected it to be this difficult. Then I catch a whiff of steam coming from atop the shelves, with my 6 foot plus height I reach up and pull out plastic bowl. As I open the bowl, I see it and my heart rejoices.
I rush to grab a knife, it is too risky taking a whole piece, she must have counted it. With the dexterity borne out of years of practice, I proceed to mutilate the first piece of meat. I am in the process of mutilating the second piece when she calls out
“Ayomide! I know you are there ooo!!, I have counted that meat ooo!”.
F*ck! My cover is blown. I quickly finish with the second piece and run out of the kitchen, back to my room. On getting to my room I shout back
“Mummy, are you calling me?”
“Ayomide, who was in the kitchen just now?”
“I’m just waking up naa! What is my business with the kitchen” I lie, Ouch! Ouch!! I ignore my mother’s rebukes to face my leg where something appears to be cooking. F*ck! In my bid to escape from the kitchen I had dropped my loot in my trouser pocket, now the hot oil from the meat has fried my leg. I stare at the cursed pieces of meat with anger and hate ” First, you ruin my date with Kim, now you destroy my leg “I say to myself, walahi if I hear say I no chop this meat. I bite down as I hard as I can as I eat the loot, “they must suffer for what they did to me” I think to myself.
After choppin the meat, I rush to my bathroom and rinse my mouth very well. When I was still a novice, the aroma from my mouth usually gave me away, my mother and her sharp nose, but not anymore.
“What will I do today now?” I think to myself, and at that moment, that very moment, my phone rings TANANANNAM! I rush to pick it, I rarely get calls, so the few I get I treasure them badly. WTF!! I draw back in horror as I see the caller’s name
5 Likes 2 Shares
|Re: African Nerd by micki83(m): 3:14pm On Nov 09, 2012|
Oh no! Who?who's d mystery caller? Don't tell its "minion".Hades? Kim?...finish d story nah!
1 Like 1 Share
|Re: African Nerd by Redmosquito(m): 7:06pm On Nov 09, 2012|
micki83: Oh no! Who?who's d mystery caller? Don't tell its "minion".Hades? Kim?...finish d story nah!guy, your post just made me rethink the whole story. hope you like it
|Re: African Nerd by Redmosquito(m): 7:07pm On Nov 09, 2012|
“Kardashian!!” ,I say to myself. What the hell is happening? Which kain prank be dis? I look left. I look right. I look at the windows. I look at the ceiling. I had to make sure that no mumu was recording this apparent prank. I breathe into my cupped hands, my breath isn’t that bad. It only smells like spoilt egg. And then I pick the call.
“Hello! Who is speaking?”, I say while forming bigman voice
“Na who dey talk?, Na Ayomide be dis”
I am stunned for but a moment. Stupid me, I had actually believed it was Kim Kardashian.
I quickly regain myself “Err! Yes! Who is speaking?”
“Ehen! My name na Minion. Almighty Hades talk say make I bring you come”
Right now I am seriously confused .Minion! Hades! Bring me come! They are even speaking pidgin! This must be the dumbest prank ever. Well, I might as well play along, it seems the caller has too much credit.
“Haa! Minion na u be dis abi! So na how you wan carry me come? I don dey wait your call since”
“I think say u don cut call na! Oya press H A D E S for your phone” the joker replies
Huh! “This guy must be on some really heavy sh*t” I think to myself. Well, there just might be something there for me. So I proceed to remove the phone from my ear and press the keys, it was really difficult typing the words on my wretched blackberry struggle. Almost all the keys don loss finish.
“I don type am finish oo!” , I reply
“Oya press enter!”
“This fu*ker is just doing me like mumu” , I think. I proceed to call the names of all the fu*ckers I know.
“James na you abi, abi na Quadri, or na ……….” I call about twenty more names. Yes! I know a lot of fu*kers.
No reply?! I look at my screen, the call is still reading. And then suddenly
“U don call all ur girlfriends name finish ?! When you ready just press enter”
This is probably someone I know. All my peeps never forget revenge. And so I did it, I pressed enter.
7 Likes 1 Share
|Re: African Nerd by micki83(m): 9:38pm On Nov 09, 2012|
Lol.ok,I like d twist d story is taking so far (don't forget to credit me as one of ur "creative directors" o!). Wtf is a blackberry "struggle" tho?is that some sort of bb model for d skool of hard knocks?that one still got me laffing!
|Re: African Nerd by fellis: 4:00am On Nov 10, 2012|
This is a funny story. Had a few lols.
These parts killed me
Redmosquito: I breathe into my cupped hands, my breath isn’t that bad. It only smells like spoilt egg.
it was really difficult typing the words on my wretched blackberry struggle. Almost all the keys don loss finish.
|Re: African Nerd by Redmosquito(m): 6:43pm On Nov 10, 2012|
At first all was quiet, I was staring at the phone. “So….. what now?!” I think
Then all went wrong, there was a rumble, then a tumble. I could hear barking in the distance. My room was floating away, higher and higher it went. I look out my windows. What the fu*ck?! I am the one floating away,lower and lower.
As I touch the ground, all goes black. Its like my brain was shut down or something. And then when I awake, when I open my eyes, I see something surreal.
I find myself in what appears to be a chamber of sort. The room is dark, illuminated by candles here and there, skulls hanging in the corners. I cant make it all out, not without my glasses.
“Nepa has withheld light from us”, a fine baritone voice says. I look to to the source of the words, to my feet and standing there, is a creature of some sort. Dressed in a nollywood-like suit, if you watch old Nigerian films you will know what I am talking about, the creature was like a really small man. Except that he was black of skin, with large pointy ears and two huge eyes that many girls will call cute.
He smiles at me. There is something about his smile, I can’t really say what it is, I squint at him as I try to make out his features. Damn these grandpa eyes. He notices me squinting.
“Ooh! Ur Glasses! I am terribly sorry about that, but not to worry. The boss can fix that”
Lot of things are on my mind right now. Am I dead? Is this hell? Did my mother fry that meat with weed? I think I’m gonna have a nervous breakdown, whatever that means?
“I see you are confused, don’t worry now! If I wanted you dead, you’d be dead. Come along now, we cant keep the boss waiting ”
And so the daemon leads the way, I follow, utterly ignorant as to what I am doing. My mind is too busy working out all that has just happened. I break down my current demise into small bits.
Okay, first of all, the creature said something he could have killed me, so I am alive. And this happens to be hell or something like that. I should ask.
“Hey! Humm.. Excuse me sir, where am I ?”
“Oh! You are in the underworld, don’t be worried, it’s only temporary. For now” he replies as he walks on ahead.
My mind is really exploding now. Underworld! Temporary! For now! So it will soon be permanent!? This cant be good. I question him further.
“ But I read in some books that the underworld was a place of pain, suffering, sorrow and stuff like that”
Now we are walking through a scary hallway. It is dark too, infact I have noticed that everywhere here is dark, only a few candles illuminate the place. Horrible looking portraits hang from the wall, with eyes that seem to follow your every move.
Then all of a sudden, I hear screams of pain and anguish coming out of the walls, horrible sounds they were. This creature must have a twisted sense of humour, for it is at this moment that he replies my statement.
“Nah! That is rubbish! Have you seen anyone suffering? Most of them get just high on marijuana and see things”
“So who spoke on the phone?”
“It was me of course”
“But the caller spoke pidgin”
“Well I don’t know what language my message was translated into. The boundary between our two worlds acts as a translator. It translates messages into the language most understood by the receiver”
What the f*ck! So the universe believes that the language most understood by me is pidgin?! The universe must be messed up! Well that might explain all the results I’ve been getting in English. Perhaps, the pidgin is in my blood.
We continue the rest of the walk in silence. I see things that are well, surreal, if I may say so. Then we enter a room, this room is a place of evil, I can feel it in my bones. Stalactites hang from the ceiling, dangerously sharp and slender they are. The floor is a large mass of dry bones, ribs , femurs and all. The walls are adorned with the skulls of various beast, none of them appear to be human. And then I raise my head to see it.
The throne is a swirling mass of blackness, as if the darkness has taken on a physical form. A black cloak rests in the depression of the throne. Something bad rests within the cloak, I know it. The hood is large enough to cover the face, all I see inside the cloak is more blackness. Beside the throne, a stranger sight catches my attention.
A golden bowl floating in the air, two sachets of pure water by its sides. Inside the bowl is a white substance, a golden spoon protruding out of it, I look closer. No! it cannot be! I look again, squinting so hard my eye become teary. It is what I think it is. It is …..
|Re: African Nerd by fellis: 7:59pm On Nov 10, 2012|
|Re: African Nerd by dumodust(m): 4:15pm On Nov 11, 2012|
loooooooolllll! Redmosquito u be fool! Hilarous son of a gun... Get off that your dead blackberry keypad jo!
|Re: African Nerd by Redmosquito(m): 6:35pm On Nov 13, 2012|
Sorry for this short continuation and delay. School can be a b*tch
Garri! What the hell is happening here!? The death-wielding, otherworldly King of the underworld is preparing to drink GARRI?! My mother most definitely fried that mean with marijuana. What else can explain this vivid hallucination? Very soon one crazy man will want them to legalize that sh*t .
When I think nothing weird can happen again, I am proven wrong again. For all of a sudden, a voice spoke, the voice was sad and painful as if a thousand tortured souls had sung it out.
“My Minion! Is this the mortal that holds the key?”
The strangest thing about the voice was not its wretched nature, rather it was its omnipresent source. The voice seemed to emanate from everywhere, the whole room shook with every word spoken.
“Yes! Ur Wickedness!”, replies the Creature, the one I now know as Minion.
“Introduce yourself”, says Minion, with glances thrown to me.
I am so damn scared, my legs are weakened, my bladder is shivering, my temperature is rising, my brain is touching. Who do I introduce myself to? The walls spoke but the dark man stared. With a scared and confused mind I try my best to reply
|Re: African Nerd by firestar(f): 11:05pm On Nov 13, 2012|
Hm! This ehn na real wa...
|Re: African Nerd by Redmosquito(m): 8:11am On Nov 14, 2012|
firestar: Hm! This ehn na real wa...huh! Wat do you think?
|Re: African Nerd by Ice4jez(m): 10:17am On Nov 14, 2012|
Bro u re gud
|Re: African Nerd by Redmosquito(m): 10:38am On Nov 14, 2012|
Thank you! Thank You!!
|Re: African Nerd by FoxyRebirth(m): 11:23am On Nov 14, 2012|
Redmosquito: Thank you! Thank You!!
I pleaded for you not to get banned but instead got the axe... Oya come and continue o.. I am enjoying this story
|Re: African Nerd by Redmosquito(m): 11:36am On Nov 14, 2012|
Foxy_Rebirth:you were banned!? No mind haters jare! mortals will all die!
|Re: African Nerd by FoxyRebirth(m): 11:39am On Nov 14, 2012|
**Looks round** Nna, what are you talking about, I am a mortal naa
|Re: African Nerd by Redmosquito(m): 11:48am On Nov 14, 2012|
Foxy_Rebirth:eehn! No worry na! Die na bad thing to only bad people, na good thing to good people
|Re: African Nerd by DaWhiz: 11:55am On Nov 14, 2012|
Ahaha u'r fvckin hilarious man
|Re: African Nerd by Redmosquito(m): 2:37pm On Nov 14, 2012|
“ Good Evening sir” I say, while bending my knees the way I have always seen my sister do when greeting.
This move must have bewildered them, for there was a moment of silence, the Minion just stared at me with a look that said “ What the f*ck was all that about?”. It was the Dark being that spoke this time, the walls vibrating again
“My Minion, does your foolishness know no bounds?! Why bring to me this fool?”
“My King! Do not be angered. This is truly the one that holds the key. The teleportation has left him slightly confused, forgive his foolishness”, the Minion pleaded
And then it spoke to me this time, the Dark walls spoke again
“ I, King of the underworld, oldest son of Cronus, have called you here to give you an assignment”
And then at the sound of the word “assignment” , I fear for myself. I have heard of people getting tricked by gods and daemons, if there ever was a difference. I won't be fooled by anyone, real or imagined. I brace all the courage I can and reply this Dark one
“I don’t know who you are. But I don’t make work for anybody. I work for myself”
This was a foolish thing to say, I know. The one called Minion has taken some few step away from me, maybe he feared that if the ground should open and swallow me he didn’t want to be close by.
The Dark being twitched, and then shifted, the cloak rumpling with every movement. I am guessing he isn’t used to a lot of disobedience.
I feel a kind of pride and courage within myself. The Nigerian training has given me b.alls, no one just messes around with me.
And then again the walls vibrate
At the mention of this word a dark beast appears out of the darkness that surrounds this place. Bringing a chill along with it. Many people will tell you haaa! Cerberus is just a little three headed German Shepherd. Make sure you tell them to quit drugs.
For what I saw was no mere mutt, this was a humongous canine, its paw alone was larger than any human I have ever seen, mind you I have seen really fat people. Its legs were long and spiked, every hair on this beast was like a black rod of sharpened stainless steel. Its body was mighty muscular, you could actually see some biceps and abdominal packs, no doubt this beast always has enough workout. And then I saw its heads, three black heads set perfectly on three necks, all resting on its shoulder. In the mouths, were bones and gore, the damn beast was still chewing on them, horrible evidence of its last meal.
And then there is the smell, I know I should be the last person on earth to talk about smells, but I am not even sure I’m on earth anymore. The beast stank, if I refuse to brush for a whole week I will smell better. Trust me, I have. The beast stank of dead rotten flesh. I can’t hold it in. I vomit up my stolen breakfast.
It takes a lot to make me vomit, and this is more than necessary. I eye the vomited fried meat and remember my promise “ walahi if I hear say I no chop this meat”, I like to keep my promises, so I eye the meat for the third time now. But again I am too busy being scared to death by this animal, it looks at me and throws around its tongue in evil excitement. To be sincere, I don’t know what it is excited about, I am a very skinny guy. This beast must have a thing for bones.
The beast raises its hind legs to scratch at its neck, as it scratches at its thick muscular neck, it sends out tens of fist-sized ticks. And here I was thinking my dog has problems. I swerve left and right to avoid being hit by this huge blood-suckers. I no wan carry this kain things go house, that is if I will ever go home, besides this things will dry me up in one drink. I quickly make up my mind. This thing is already making its way to me. Minion has taken five more step away from me, this dude must really value his life.
“ Excuse me sir, I did not get the full details of the assignments, I would definitely have said yes if you had empowered me with info on the assignment, sir?!” I make sure the “SIR” is audible enough, this thing is ready to jump at me. Walking up to me is enough to kill me, jumping at me is just overkill.
"S-S-SIR?!", I stammer
"Your HI-hi-highness?!", I add
The beasts' hind limbs are already twitching now, ready for the pounce
|Re: African Nerd by FoxyRebirth(m): 3:15pm On Nov 14, 2012|
Always behind you... Post faster and see me read faster
|Re: African Nerd by Redmosquito(m): 3:29pm On Nov 14, 2012|
Foxy_Rebirth: Always behind you... Post faster and see me read faster
** raises skirt and runs faster**
if i hear say you catch me
|Re: African Nerd by FoxyRebirth(m): 3:41pm On Nov 14, 2012|
Come o... Are you now confusing is your are a male or female?
Na wa ooooohhhhhh
|Re: African Nerd by Redmosquito(m): 3:51pm On Nov 14, 2012|
Foxy_Rebirth:I am spanish na, guys dey rock skirt for spain na
|Re: African Nerd by FoxyRebirth(m): 4:28pm On Nov 14, 2012|
Lol... Reminds me of LION HEART, dat guy that Van Damme had to fight that was putting on skirt.... Lol
|Re: African Nerd by touchmehard: 1:18pm On Nov 15, 2012|
The beasts' hind limbs are already twitching now, ready for the pounce....So what next? I can't wait to read
|Re: African Nerd by Redmosquito(m): 5:12pm On Nov 15, 2012|
Nigerian training might have given me balls, but it also gave me brains. I value my life, I have not given girl belle yet.
And then the beast leaps. Thirty feet into the air it went, I cowered, raising my hand to my face in anticipation of death. My life flashes in front of my eyes. Damn! My life is one boring mess. The beast is almost upon me now.
“ Let him be Cerberus!” , the walls suddenly shook with command
The beast immediately vanished, just like that. It just dispersed into the surrounding darkness.
My heart is already in my mouth. My boxers is mildly wet. In the cold world of Hades I sweat.
“ Let me tell you what is happening here, Mortal!” said the voice once again, almost as if ignorant of the what has just happened.
“The realm of the dead, the underworld, is like a magnet for everything bad. Suffering, pain, sorrow and death find their way into my realm, one way or another”, the voice paused
The hood of the cloak rises to make visible the darkness within, I squint hard into it. The arm of the cloak waves in the air and my sight is as good as new. I ignore this miracle, I stare still into the darkness, the image sharper than ever.
I look into this darkness and the darkness looks into me. I feel it in my head, I feel it in my consciousness. I have no secrets, nothing is hidden from this being. Not in his realm.
And suddenly I understand all that troubles it, without a word being said, I know why I was brought. The dark one has laid in me, the cause of his worries has been placed in me. But as I look on into his being, I feel fear, sorrow, anguish, pain and death, everything bad is embedded in the seams of its very existence. It is too much, no mortal can take much more. I quickly avert my gaze. I know enough of this being now. I have nothing to hide or fear of this dark one. He wont hurt me, at least not yet.
“The spiritual entity of my world is flowing into your realm, into the underworld. It troubles you, you fear this phenomenom. But why?” I ask
The walls thunder “ The spiritual is the force that holds together the physical, when enough of your spiritual world flows down here, your physical world will crumble into the underworld. Our realms will become one. All hell will literally be set loose upon your mortal kind”
“But what important role does Nigeria play in all this?”, I know Nigeria is the centre of all this, I feel it somehow, it is one of the things laid in my heart.
“Your land is the portal. Destroy the portal and all will be well. We would have long destroyed it, if only Zeus does not feel for your kind. That’s why we’ve brought you here. We need you. You are to be our saviour as well as yours. The oracle of Delphi never lies"
|Re: African Nerd by UjSizzle(f): 9:10pm On Nov 15, 2012|
I laugh in Callotti Mu che che che. See where devil dey para.
Abeg Red Mosquito finish the gist
|Re: African Nerd by Redmosquito(m): 10:57am On Nov 16, 2012|
“What am I to do? I am but a nerd, the lowest in the rungs of society. I have no alliance with any saviour, and am definitely not one”, I plead
“You are but blind. You do not see what I see. Your star is fierce and bright, like that of Heracles. You must take up this task. You must go to the one you call your leader, go to Jonathan, tell him of the portal in his land. He will know what to do”
I look once more into this darkness, I know I must go, I cannot disobey.
“You must not fail. I do not take lightly to failure. Know this, whatever happens, your soul will be mine, the souls of your loved ones will be mine. Fail and be assured that horror beyond imagination awaits not only you but also those which bear the slighted affiliation with you”
Even though I know I cannot disobey this dark one, his words, not threats, have given me an incentive not to fail. A being like this makes no threats.
“Do not forget my words. I am Hades, lord of the dead, you must harken to my word”, the walls rung again and again, I begin to fade away, Minion is staring at me with what seems like a look of pity. The darkness is flowing away from me, everything is flowing away. I look once more into the this dark one, he is far away now, but his gaze still burns my heart. And in a flash, all is gone.
|Re: African Nerd by UjSizzle(f): 11:33am On Nov 16, 2012|
|Re: African Nerd by Redmosquito(m): 11:46am On Nov 16, 2012|
uj_sizzle: Too shortI will post the rest soon, having some slight distractions
|Re: African Nerd by Redmosquito(m): 12:57pm On Nov 16, 2012|
I am in my room, my sight is blurred again, my dog is still barking outside. Oh my God! Did I just make a deal with Hades?! Oh no! It cannot be. I spend some minutes pondering on my otherworldly experience. It was all probably a dream, perhaps I slept and saw a very vivid dream. Yes! It has to have been a dream.
I look at my phone log, no call from any sort of Kardashian. Perhaps, the boredom I am experiencing is creating an increase in the level of dopamine-induced hallucination. Yep! As a nerd I have the advantage of always creating explanations for almost everything. I am too sure of it. It was all a dream
Deep down, within my soul, I am a bit of an atheist, I dont believe in gods and spirituality. Although I am too scared to admit it, I fear that I may be wrong and will pay for my ignorance with a thousand years in hell. In order words, I have nothing to lose if I live like a theist.
I take my mind off everything. I grab at my laptop, plug in my swift modem, press the power button. Battery low?! Oooo! What kind of life is this one? In this village where I live NEPA is as rare as fine girls. Look at who is talking about fine girls. What do I know about fine girls?! As if I will know a fine girl if she slapped me in the face.
I contemplate putting on the generator
Should I ask my mother first?! No! Why should I ?! Didn’t I buy the fuel. But she bought the gen. I argue it out with myself for a little while and then decide to ask for her permission, she allows.
As I walk out the front door, I see my little dog, Jill, up against her cage. She is our huge four months old Alsatian. She is flapping her tongue at me.
“Jilly Jilly” , I coo at her
Suddenly she turns her head away from me, barking violently at something in the far corner of the fence, something hiding within the vegetation. I run back into the veranda, reaching my hand beneath the sofa, I pull out a machete and make my way toward the source of Jill’s aggression.
“Who is there?” , I call out as I approach. Something moves, I see the tall okro leaves shake. Something or someone large is behind these leaves, it will be foolish of me to go towards in alone. I run back again, this time I run towards Jill’s cage, releasing her.
With a machete in one hand and Jill’s neck cuffs in the other, I am pulled towards the intruder by Jill. As soon as I swipe at the okro leaves with my machete, a hideous form reveals itself. Jill, the same dog that was foaming at the mouth and barking viciously suddenly becomes mute and whimpers behind me. I quickly raise my machete in anticipation of an attack from this unknown Ugliness, when suddenly a voice calls me to order
“Let him be!”
|Sections: politics (1) business autos (1) jobs (1) career education (1) romance computers phones travel sports fashion health |
religion celebs tv-movies music-radio literature webmasters programming techmarket
Nairaland - Copyright © 2005 - 2016 Oluwaseun Osewa. All rights reserved. See How To Advertise. 236