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Face With A Divorce Decision And I Need Ur Candid Advice - Family - Nairaland

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Face With A Divorce Decision And I Need Ur Candid Advice by yinkaoke(f): 5:13pm On Nov 15, 2012
FACE WITH A divorce decision and I need ur candid advice
I am married to a beautiful woman for close to 3years now and our marriage is blessed with 2 lovely boys. Its has been quite challenging for us to run a good family for a while now, its has most of the time being argument about one thing or the other and initially I tort its one of those things in marriage and that as time goes on we will begin to appreciate our differences since we’re from different background and also that it is a gestation period which is always the case in most marriages.
Two days ago, I was shocked when my wife called me while I was watching a film in the bedroom to inform me that she has decided to call it quit and that she will be moving out anytime soon while she handed over her wedding ring to me, I did not collect the ring but I said if that’s what she wanted then so be it and that she most have given it thorough thought before finally letting out.
This happened after a close to two weeks quite and deserted moment between us. This occurs because she has been of recent neglecting our agreement on the way forward for our family even though I kept to mine.
The basis of our argument has always degenerated from the following among other things that may escape me right now.
FROM MY PART
Lack of submissiveness as a wife
The thinking that she can do it all by herself
Lack of communication particularly on things that concerns her but rather she will always discuss it with one guy or the other on the phone
Failure to do thing my own way
Not being contented at all times
Laziness as to house chores; as in preparing late time meals
Untidiness
Not keeping to time; as in sleeping late after discussing with one or two guys on phone for long and complaining in the morning that I am leaving her with the kids, wouldn’t I help her after neglecting my call for early birth and waking up at around 6:20 meanwhile her place of work is off traffic, Ikeja and mine, Victoria Island in addition to her being mobile while I am not.
Coming home late hours because she needs to branch one place or the other
Not attending my church but wants me to always follow her to her mum’s church; even though I suggested we look for a neutral church if she wouldn’t come to my church, and I do not want hers either. She got a new church I have started going there but she still refuses to attend with me and would rather go to her mum’s church with my kids.
Just too clued to her mum and too occupied with her siblings and mum’s upkeeps; as in she’s more bother about her younger ones school fees, upkeeps and general wellbeing that she most of the time take too much financially risk jobs and business just because she want to satisfy her mother’s need.
Putting her mother’s want before mine
Taking to her mother’s advice against mine.
Wanting to know everything about me including my financial standing which I always tell her but refusing to communicate hers; maybe because she’s blessed with a source of sizeable income different from her salary which is a pie nut. She works in public sector of a bank. But thank God my salary is almost 3 times her salary but cumulatively she is better financed generated than I am.
The thought of wanting to be a single mother.
She is not romantic anymore

FROM HER END
Not calling her during the work hours
Complaining that my mum should vacate our matrimonial home having overstayed her welcome; she wants to run the home herself.
The money for upkeep and running the house is not enough
That I do not pamper her
That I am not caring and do not take her out on a date
That I am selfish.
That I do not ask after her welfare
That I am too indoor
That I too much demand for sex and that it is when am horning that I behave well.
That I get less concern about her younger one and her mum.

MY EXPLANATION TO HER AQUISITION
I agreed that I wasn’t calling her as often as I should, because I was financially unbalanced then, they were two major exams I was writing of which I have succeeded in the one God’s gracious and which has earn me of recent a double promotion and I have apologised and has changes only to revert few days back following her reaction to my last call which was unencouraging.
That my mum has overstayed her welcome, yes I agree, I have been saving to get an apartment for her. My mum has been doing all the house chores even cooking most times after waiting for her return from office which is usually too late for my liking. She has complained about the cooking aspect too, promised severally to change but couldn’t.
YES the money for upkeep can never be enough, even though I appreciate her contribution. I pay rent, school fees, settle bills, maintenance of household gargets among others.
That I do not pamper her; told her if what I do is not enough then she may need to teach me on how best she wants to be pampered and reminding her that I am a rationale spender, concern about priority for first and basic needs balance for other things may be developed with her help. On her last birthday few months back took her out and she acknowledge she enjoyed her day, a new development after we both agree to make our marriage work. She is more a social person than I am as she knows I am a bookworm and an introvert eager to develop my academic vacuum as life has being unfair to me academically but thank God it has began to take shape.
Not caring and do not take her out, yes I was grossly occupy by my education because I was behind compare to my colleges and it affected my work life and financial standing then but now am fairly doing well and it is due to my commitment to my academics which has brought me up to standard and earn me a d position I never envisage now. We suffer from the same academic faith but I have since left her way behind because I was always concern about being the head of the family and a man so I need to move fast academically to salvage my job status and financial challenge and this God has really help me. I have always told her taking her out its no big deal but first thing must be put first while others will follow.
That I am selfish, am yet to fathom what she mean by that, even though she gets money more than I do though not salary wise, i have never capitalised on that, she is mobile am not, she uses several phone including blackberry, I don’t; she wears top class wears, I don’t, so I really can’t place her meaning of being selfish.
Most times when I ask about her wellbeing, the usual answer will be please leave me or a funny kind of answer, what happened
That I am too indoor. Yes am kind of an introvert was built from reading she knows that but could play out of it sometimes and not even that am that introvert just that I spend the little time I have in reading for exams since all through week days I will be at work and Saturdays I will go for lectures.
Yes I like sex and am always ready to have much of it but she has after our first born kind of be withdrawing when it comes to sex. Come to think of it, though am not sure if it applies to all women, when you do not touch them they complain and when you also do they complain.
That I get less concern about her younger ones, I have told her severally that it is not my responsibility but could only be out of my wish provided their is excess to throw around and that she knows my condition even for her I have not being able to satisfy her, my parent and even my own distance siblings not to talk of her siblings. I have help may be two but I know its being quite low and what can a man do when you’re bound by limits.

MY CHALLENGES
If we go separate ways I may not get the custody of those kids and this is my major concern, please kindly advice me.
I have been thinking of also calling it quit for am tired of arguing every day though I still love her so much even as am angry that she is not being an understanding person and has refuse to be submissive, or to make it work as we initially agreed.
Please pardon my grammatic errors i made this in a rush.
Thanks all as u keep the advice rolling
Re: Face With A Divorce Decision And I Need Ur Candid Advice by Nobody: 5:23pm On Nov 15, 2012
Pheeeeeeeeeeeew!

I'll come back and finish reading . . .
Re: Face With A Divorce Decision And I Need Ur Candid Advice by Nobody: 5:55pm On Nov 15, 2012
What were your reasons for marrying this woman?
What does being submissive mean to you?

3 Likes

Re: Face With A Divorce Decision And I Need Ur Candid Advice by baby124: 6:04pm On Nov 15, 2012
Men, my eyes just crossed. I used to think people complaining about long posts were lazy, but wow. This is quite long. I need some time. undecided. You seem to have put up all sides of the issue here honestly. So i actually tend to believe your story.
Re: Face With A Divorce Decision And I Need Ur Candid Advice by baby124: 6:22pm On Nov 15, 2012
Well you seem like a good, ambitious guy who wants his marriage to work. I think you both have a disconnect somewhere, because what you hold her for is not what she is accusing you of. She doesnt even accuse you of being controlling, demanding, or jealous. You yourself have agreed that in your quest to give your family a better life, you have neglected some aspects. The thing is, with humans, you cant expect people to think like you would. people react to different situations differently, that is why all of us are our own individuals. We are all different in certain peculiar ways. I think she is just frustrated and is bluffing, i think you both can meet in the middle and resolve your differences. You both should also learn to reason and TALK to each other. Submission is earned by the way not forced. Also, se*x is not everything sometimes. All we need is reassurance, a cuddle and a nice complement here and there, and your support or sympathy to our needs. wink

1 Like

Re: Face With A Divorce Decision And I Need Ur Candid Advice by tasandra: 6:46pm On Nov 15, 2012
@Op U both shuld try and make ur marriage work.try and make it up to her,if u 2rully luv her,like u stated.
every woman,wants to be passionatly loved..mayb,she is not feelin u in this area.
Re: Face With A Divorce Decision And I Need Ur Candid Advice by Nobody: 7:03pm On Nov 15, 2012
Wow I finished reading it! I'll come back, I'm slammed with work now, later OP
Re: Face With A Divorce Decision And I Need Ur Candid Advice by Nobody: 7:10pm On Nov 15, 2012
Poster,

I read through most of your post and I can understand what you are going through. Thankfully, you have not mentioned what I would think are the toughest problems to handle in Nigerian marriages which are - infidelity, violence and lack of children.

My advice for you two is that you should try and be friends again. I understand the complaints of both parties and as a fellow man, I will adivce you.

1. Make time out for your wife. Love her again. From your post, it seems she is feeling neglected and alone. You need to make her feel loved again. I was initially worried when you said she calls several guys and talks to them but if you don't think she's cheating then I wouldn't bring it up. You need to woo her again. Thankfully your mother is staying so take her out more, you know she loves going out.

2. Compromise with her. You claim she does not want to do things your way, but marriage is about compromise. Even though you are the head of the family, you cannot have your way all the time. She is probably feeling she is not being heard and her opinion does not matter. You need to reassure her that she is your partner in this race of life. Let her have her way sometimes, let her go to her church sometimes. We all worship the same God unless you think they worship satan in her church

3. You need to understand her and help her become a better person. I may be wrong but I think your wife may not have had a father figure in her life - either her parents got divorced or her father died early. So she may not know how to be that proper wife. You need to try to understand her bond with her mum and siblings. Her mum probably suffered to bring all of them up together, so she may be too attached to her mum and siblings. So please, don't just tell her to cut them off.


4. Talk to her softly rather than argue. Learn to listen to understand and not listen to argue. It's easy to argue and there is no sense in winning an arguement in marriage. Trying to win an arguement in marriage is senseless as you will always have to consult that person on every other issue. Bible says love covers a multitude of sins.

5. I see suttle competition between you two. You should complement each other and not compete with each other. You cannot be better than you wife in life. You two are one and you should help each other. The Bible says "two are better than one", when one is down, the other pulls him/her up. You should uplift each other and not try to put each other down.

I understand how you feel bro but I can tell you that your wife is not a bad person or a bad wife. She is not perfect but at least typical or even above average so you are not facing anything that other men are not going through. Divorce is not the answer. Understanding her and her emotions is the answer!

10 Likes

Re: Face With A Divorce Decision And I Need Ur Candid Advice by Nobody: 7:38pm On Nov 15, 2012
Before I can give an oppinion Sir please Answer this question, and am asking because you both seem so different and disconnected, why did you 2 get married?
What was the attraction?
Did you speak about goals and aspirations?
How was your dating? Seeing that you are opposites. Did you hang out a lot or stay indoors?
Forgive my questions, but a lot of these are pre marital disputes.

3 Likes

Re: Face With A Divorce Decision And I Need Ur Candid Advice by Nobody: 8:26pm On Nov 15, 2012
OP first of all your mom has to move( sorry sad) if you even want your marriage to work which I presume it's not gonna,

that's a major problem and I've seen a lot on NL and lot of women complain ( about MIL) as evidence,

I don't know how 2 different people with different mindset ( all in the name if I want to marry too) put their innocent children thru this kind of mess& ordeal

because I presumed that woman doesn't love you and so are you, you guys got together to shut your people up.

She will nag till dawn embarassed

Try to make it work and give it another shot if she will , but honestly what's the point?( I feel like mitt Romney with this post , flip flop)
Re: Face With A Divorce Decision And I Need Ur Candid Advice by slimyem: 8:55pm On Nov 15, 2012
Though so many things are wrong here,I do not think this marriage cannot be salvaged...
Two external factors are the main issues IMO though....and i can't say nothing until i at least get a clearer picture in relation to the below...
-Her mother has so much influence in her life and your marriage.What is your relationship with your mother-in-law?
-The men she enjoys talking to/with till late in the night.
Who/what are they to her?
Re: Face With A Divorce Decision And I Need Ur Candid Advice by coogar: 9:23pm On Nov 15, 2012
get your mother out of the house, your missus isn't comfortable around her and mos women won't put up with that too....then break the shackles tied to her ankles by her mum. the only problem i see here are the third parties you guys have allowed to creep into the marriage. get a new apartment from your mum....kindly tell your mother in law to let your wife be too.....if she's a good mother, she would let her daughter go to the church of the son in law. what kind of marriage is this when husband and wife attend different churches on sundays?

this is your marriage, your life and most importantly innocent children who didn't ask for this....get a grip and start acting like the captain of the ship! talk sense to your wife and her mother! if kids were not involved, i would have asked you to walk away quietly but this is a complex situation now.....you need to work out a solution and keep your wife!
Re: Face With A Divorce Decision And I Need Ur Candid Advice by Nobody: 12:34am On Nov 16, 2012
Divorce is not the answer. Try andreduce your ego n try to show her what. She wants but still be a man. You can work things out. Put it in prayers and instead of thinking of divorce ,divert the energy into saving your home. How about a suprise gift? Make dinner sometimes, just something you dnt do b4 to be romantic
Re: Face With A Divorce Decision And I Need Ur Candid Advice by Nobody: 1:13am On Nov 16, 2012
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Re: Face With A Divorce Decision And I Need Ur Candid Advice by vanitty: 4:21am On Nov 16, 2012
I doubt getting his mummy out of the house will automatically solve their issues! However, if Mrs insists, mummy is the reason why she cannot run her home, try and get a comfortable apartment for your mother

Just three years into the marriage and with two little ones, it is sometimes very hard to remember that you love each other when life becomes very routine with work, children, sleep etc.

I mean as someone rightly said, yes there are issues but they are workable ones if both parties are willing. It seems to me she needs advice more than you do to be honest.

All her accusations of you can easily be rectified if you communicate better. If needs be, draw up a plan of your expenses, let her see exactly how the money is being spent, not romantic enough? Easy! Be more romantic! As long as you can afford it, take her out to her heart content, always try and "drop" something for her mum and younger ones since it seems she is responsible for them etc.

Laziness/untidiness you said she is, I know this is not the 'norm' but why don't you clean up after the mess, in most marriages, at different occasions, both husband and wife have had to be the "ode" and compromise really heavily for peace to reign.

You cannot have a textbook marriage, I am afraid. There is no such thing as a perfect marriage.

God will see you through this teething stage.
Re: Face With A Divorce Decision And I Need Ur Candid Advice by Johndoe100(m): 7:09am On Nov 16, 2012
@OP
Seriously are you for real? If this is not a joke, which I think it is. Why are you worried? Let the biatch go. Never, never let a woman rule you She has told you she wants to go. If she stays it will be just to manage you. Is that ALL YOU ARE WORTH? Where is your self esteem?
Kick her azz out. Get rid of her as fast as you can. That marriage is over, move on and next time get a reasonable kitty. The mistake most young men make is thinking that everything with a kitty is wife material. You have learnt now that that is not true.

1 Like

Re: Face With A Divorce Decision And I Need Ur Candid Advice by Ivynwa(f): 7:59am On Nov 16, 2012
Poster

You and your wife are just like the different spikes of a jigsaw puzzle that needs to come together to fit.
You are different beings, it does seem like you didn't really learn each other well while courting but with tolerance and understanding you can still be in harmony.

*Her failure to do things your way-------you need to understand that she mustn't do everything your way.

*Preparing late time meals-----you need to understand the nature of her job and help out with domestic work where you can. There is nothing wrong with a man helping with cooking. A friend of mine had her birthday some days ago, her husband made breakfast and served her in bed. Baked cake for her and cooked all her meal for the whole day. Some days when she is at work and he is home before her, he begins the preparation of the meal. She comes home sometimes to meet him cooking and completes the cooking herself.

*The choice of church-----you both have to be mature about that and choose a place for the whole family to be attending. If she is stuck on the church she was raised in, you can meet in the middle and let her attend hers sometimes. In my culture, a woman follows her husband to his church. Nowadays liberal/refined men allow their wives to still attend the ones they are stuck on sometimes, some men even go out of their way to sometimes go with her to her church just for everybody to be happy. In a situation like that it is important that the kids be considered so that they don't get confused with distinct/very different religious view. They will need to understand that even though this church worships God this way and that church the other way that they are all worshipping God in other words you or your wife shouldn't teach them that your daddy's or your mummy's church worships in this way or that way and may go to hell so the more mature and peaceful you go about the church thing the better.

*Her complaint that you are an introvert and stays indoors----there is a need for both of you to meet somewhere on this aspect. You have to sometimes go out and socialize with her (like visit friends) so that she doesn't feel cocooned or locked up in your marriage.She needs to be able to enjoy your "stay at home" moments with you sometimes. You also said that she wears top class wears and you don't---sometimes you can find top class wears too and wear to give her the "Me and my husband are so classy" kind of feeling too, don't leave her feeling like you guys are mismatched or something.

*Her complaint of your s-ex drive-----I understand that hot bloodedness of young men, you still have to consider her and be sensitive to her needs as well as respect her wishes when she can't flow with you and it isn't only when you are h-orny that you get to be nice to her grin. If you ain't doing that she will not have said it, try to be loving at all times.

*Her complaint that you don't give enough care to her family------indeed you are right that that isn't your obligations. She seems not to understand that and until she does she will keep having that against you so find a way to enlighten her on that even if it means her hearing it from another source like a book or from nice links forwarded to her e-mail box or something or even websites like this forum where such topics have been discussed before.

*Her complaint that your mum has overstayed----there is a limit to a visit, if you or your wife is no more comfortable with having a relative in your home you/your wife have a right to your home.

*Hey! The "her refusal to be submissive part is not very clear"------I hope that you are not lording things over her too much and expecting her to bow down to your ways because a woman has got to be submissive. She is human too and have her own mind which is why both of you should be considering each other---some young men misunderstand their roles as men and think that being aggressive and bossy is what makes a man the man in his home but such attitude only cause disharmony in the home.

You seem like a goodly young man that wants his marriage to work and I will like to see your marriage work too. A jigsaw puzzle has many parts that when they come together fits and harmonizes and when you and your wife come together, I am sure that you will fit and be happy so try fitting in these parts of the puzzle together with her in love.

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Re: Face With A Divorce Decision And I Need Ur Candid Advice by Kobojunkie: 7:59am On Nov 16, 2012
FROM MY PART
Lack of submissiveness as a wife

The thinking that she can do it all by herself

Lack of communication particularly on things that concerns her but rather she will always discuss it with one guy or the other on the phone

Failure to do thing my own way

Not being contented at all times

Laziness as to house chores; as in preparing late time meals

Untidiness

Not keeping to time; as in sleeping late after discussing with one or two guys on phone for long and complaining in the morning that I am leaving her with the kids, wouldn’t I help her after neglecting my call for early birth and waking up at around 6:20 meanwhile her place of work is off traffic, Ikeja and mine, Victoria Island in addition to her being mobile while I am not.

Coming home late hours because she needs to branch one place or the other

Not attending my church but wants me to always follow her to her mum’s church; even though I suggested we look for a neutral church if she wouldn’t come to my church, and I do not want hers either. She got a new church I have started going there but she still refuses to attend with me and would rather go to her mum’s church with my kids.

Just too clued to her mum and too occupied with her siblings and mum’s upkeeps; as in she’s more bother about her younger ones school fees, upkeeps and general wellbeing that she most of the time take too much financially risk jobs and business just because she want to satisfy her mother’s need.

Putting her mother’s want before mine

Taking to her mother’s advice against mine.

Wanting to know everything about me including my financial standing which I always tell her but refusing to communicate hers; maybe because she’s blessed with a source of sizeable income different from her salary which is a pie nut. She works in public sector of a bank. But thank God my salary is almost 3 times her salary but cumulatively she is better financed generated than I am.

The thought of wanting to be a single mother.
She is not romantic anymore

@Poster, from the list you have against your wife above, it is more than clear that you were immature going into Marriage to begin with and you still are. Divorce might just be the right thing to grow you up at this point. I mean if after 2 kids, and 3 years, you still have a list like the above, I don't see anything that can be done. I mean I can imagine the frustration boiling in that marriage, and I cannot honestly ask even your wife to endure another day of the above. I am certain she has her shortcomings but when one partner has a list like the above against the other, even I have to cave in that counseling can't work miracles in all situations.

1 Like

Re: Face With A Divorce Decision And I Need Ur Candid Advice by Dapo4u(m): 8:29am On Nov 16, 2012
At Op, I read through your thesis not because I am your supervisor (that was a joke) but because my brother was in a similar situation. First, you must know that divorce is distasteful but in some cases it could be a blessing. According to one Yoruba adage " Omo buruku dun fe, sugbon ana buruku soro fe", rudely translated thus: marrying a bad girl from a good home could be more desirable than marrying a good girl from a bad home. You wife cannot just wake up one day and calls it quit? she must have informed one or two people? In your case, who? maybe her mum?. if your wife has a father, that would be the best person to talk to urgently, if not then, her mum. Seek their opinion on what your wife said and please at this stage, do not involve your own family. Whatever the outcome of your meeting with her parents will surely assist you in making a rational decision. Like what everybody is saying, painfully as it is, your mum has to get an alternative accommodation.The rest of your worries are immaterial! In the world we live in today, some women want everything (open to discourse anyway, but that is the honest truth). Some women want to be pampered. Some women want their siblings taken care of. Some women seek advice from their mums. If you break ties your wife and you get custody of your children? What next? Are you not going to re-marry? Who says she is going to be different from your ex-wife? Brother, it is the world we live in. If you can meet her demands half-way, and obviously she is ready to compromise on some of her stands, please do, for the sake of your children.

3 Likes

Re: Face With A Divorce Decision And I Need Ur Candid Advice by Nobody: 9:27am On Nov 16, 2012
@ OP

What you have right there is a BALLS problem.

Clearly, she's been the one disrespecting you in your marriage, and you've been taking it lying down. You need to become an assertive man of steel in your boundaries.

I once read on some post here, a very long time ago and the poster said, "Women are not called the weaker sex because their bones are not strong, but because they have a weakness in resisting evil". At this point there's clearly very little you can do to get an immediate turn-around. The present situation is a direct result of your lack of firmness in your earlier months & years.

The only guaranteed way to get her back right now is to beg and beg and supplicate and offer your balls to her on an alter. WHICH IS THE WORST THING YOU CAN POSSIBLY DO RIGHT NOW.

Finally, this article on the link below exactly captures your problem and how to solve it. I am begging you in any name that is most sacred to you, to read out aloud, every morning and night - before going to bed and upon arising in the morning. Until you rewire your wuss circuitry.

Why Good Guys Get Dumped By Their Hot Wife or Girlfriends And How To Prevent It From Happening To YOU!
Re: Face With A Divorce Decision And I Need Ur Candid Advice by Nobody: 9:36am On Nov 16, 2012
This too: How To Rock Women In Bed And 100 Tips Not To Be A Wuss.

Here's a small sample:

Here’s what a lot of guys do wrong.

First, she acts badly. Let’s say she withholds sex. Then we reward the woman for her bad behavior, say by giving into her demands and trying to snuggle up to her. We buy her flowers and gifts and try to win our way back to approval and sex.

But that’s how women become spoiled and selfish.

When you reward your woman’s bad behaviors, what are you doing?

You’re teaching her that these bad behaviors will get GOOD responses in return. And when she’s rewarded for it with attention, then the bad behavior only gets worse.

Likewise, what happens when a little child throws a temper tantrum when he sees something he wants and the parents always give in? The little child becomes a spoiled brat.

Pretty soon the woman is controlling when you have sex, giving it and then withholding it, creating an emotional roller coaster ride of positive feelings and then negative withdrawal that gets you chasing her.

The woman wields even more power if you’re in a committed relationship with her, like marriage.

1 Like

Re: Face With A Divorce Decision And I Need Ur Candid Advice by slimyem: 9:41am On Nov 16, 2012
Johndoe100: @OP
Seriously are you for real? If this is not a joke, which I think it is. Why are you worried? Let the biatch go. Never, never let a woman rule you She has told you she wants to go. If she stays it will be just to manage you. Is that ALL YOU ARE WORTH? Where is your self esteem?
Kick her azz out. Get rid of her as fast as you can. That marriage is over, move on and next time get a reasonable kitty. The mistake most young men make is thinking that everything with a kitty is wife material. You have learnt now that that is not true.
You nor get sense!!!
...and i'm not sorry i said that!!!
Re: Face With A Divorce Decision And I Need Ur Candid Advice by greatgod2012(f): 11:09am On Nov 16, 2012
slimyem: You nor get sense!!!
...and i'm not sorry i said that!!!

pls my sister, dont get mad at this guy(johndoe), u can adopt my style in relating with/to him by completely ignoring him, he doesnt have any iota of respect for women. If u read his comment in d morning, believe me, if u dont take control of d day, believe me, he will spoil d whole day for u, but one thing is certain, dis is how he will be showing disrespect to his mother, i SMH for him, i pity d woman he married or he will marry and im certain he cant enjoy his marriage with this mentality he has. So, biko, pardon him, hes an eediot!

@op, im speechless about ur situation, but one thing i believe in is prayers, keep praying 4 ur wife and marriage and God in his infinite mercy will take control. Take to d useful advises u have got here and God shall be with u.

Shalom!
Re: Face With A Divorce Decision And I Need Ur Candid Advice by yinkaoke(f): 11:32am On Nov 16, 2012
I whole heartedly appreciate your response so far, tanx a bunch, while I await other responses.
@Debri, yes we were always 2gether, infact she does not rest a day except she sees me, our dating dayz were beautiful we met in school and we were best of friends. I am a kind of flexible person, I can adapt to any kind of situation but would not compromise standard or rule, she is less flexible, not wanting to shift grounds. Our goal were one but its the approach that defers, my approach is guided by rules and in steps, but hers is as they come and does not follow any pattern. The attraction for me was love, her caring attitude, her style to life issues and best of all her God fearing attitude, she use to be a good Christian then, I call her my bible teach. But all of this changes as she grows older.
Re: Face With A Divorce Decision And I Need Ur Candid Advice by obowunmi(m): 12:06pm On Nov 16, 2012
Oo ga.
Re: Face With A Divorce Decision And I Need Ur Candid Advice by Johndoe100(m): 2:13pm On Nov 16, 2012
Young lady, you should learn to take on views differing from and superior to your own.


slimyem: You nor get sense!!!
...and i'm not sorry i said that!!!
Re: Face With A Divorce Decision And I Need Ur Candid Advice by armyofone(m): 3:15pm On Nov 16, 2012
Mr. YinkaO, wow!
3years and you guys already packing up? Scary.
You wrote from your heart OP, If you still love her, don't give up yet.
Meet with her, promise to do better. Let her know what she is doing that you don't like and see if you both can find common ground.
Re: Face With A Divorce Decision And I Need Ur Candid Advice by slimyem: 3:22pm On Nov 16, 2012
Johndoe100: Young lady, you should learn to take on views differing from and superior to your own.


I recognize those when i see them and i take them on if/when i can...same way i recognize BULLSHIT when i see one and cannot waste my time taking on/debating BULLSHIT!!!

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Re: Face With A Divorce Decision And I Need Ur Candid Advice by pendo89(f): 3:47pm On Nov 16, 2012
I am eager to read from Chaircover and that other man bearing a name like seun.
But here are issues I picked up from your post on the marriage.

1.Pride
2.Immaturity
3.Self centredness
4.Selfishness
5.Lack of compromise
6.Misplaced roles
7.Outside influence
8.Insensitivity and lack of understanding
9.Misplaced priorities.
10.Comparisons.


I believe somebody wise will advice you on way forward soon.Marriages are too complex and most problems have deeper underlying issues than we often present.
Take heart though cz you seem like an ambitious guy.
Re: Face With A Divorce Decision And I Need Ur Candid Advice by Nobody: 4:22pm On Nov 16, 2012
@pendo, what else does the OP need? everybidy told him what they think he should do, and didn't you read cc comments up there? Smh on you for saying somebody 'wise' , oh that includes you too undecided what a joke!
Re: Face With A Divorce Decision And I Need Ur Candid Advice by pendo89(f): 5:03pm On Nov 16, 2012
jidegirl12: @pendo, what else does the OP need? everybidy told him what they think he should do, and didn't you read cc comments up there? Smh on you for saying somebody 'wise' , oh that includes you too undecided what a joke!

She must have been typing plus others when I was, because it wasn't there at all.
But at times I feel stupid to offer any advice cz of the heavy issues at hand.The best I could do was highlight what I thought are cancers affecting it.
Some else might be better placed to offer candid and sober advice because of the setting and cultural diff.And that is wise imo.
In the process I pick out few points.
Re: Face With A Divorce Decision And I Need Ur Candid Advice by esere826: 5:48pm On Nov 16, 2012
@poster

I think the first question to ask is if you also want a divorce.
If you really do, and she really does, then a divorce would make sense
But bear in mind that you've got 2 kids that both of you need to manage

If on the other hand, any one of you guys feel that there could be another way out
then it's time for you guys to stop and think

The beauty and excitement of marriage should be the ability to face its challenges and win
that is as long as the marriage is not an abusive one

Assuming that something in you wants to make it work
then simple manage the other person effectively (I am not talking about tolerating)
Manage the other person to produce the outcomes you desire

I might be wrong, but from your story, it appears you've mainly been a wonderful friend to your wife
You've not yet developed an ability to husband her
This has nothing to do with cooking, other chores, or bills
It is something like being a dad to your kids, and not simply being their buddy

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