My girl friend just disclosed to me that she has been having sex with her uncle for the past four years. We are already making plans for our wedding. Although she said she stoped seeing him since she met me in april last year. Should i still continue with the wedding plans? Pls i need ur advise.

hsapien: My girl friend just disclosed to me that she has been having sex with her uncle for the past four years. We are already making plans for our wedding. Although she said she stoped seeing him since she met me in april last year. Should i still continue with the wedding plans? Pls i need ur advise.

her uncle or her sugar daddy?
please elaborate - when you say "uncle", i am thinking her father's sibling or her mother's sibling......so which is which?

Isn't that incestuous?
What happened to all other men that her uncle was the one to get jiggy with for four years??
More info please!!

Her mother's brother

hsapien: Her mother's brother

you should hire area boys and castrate the uncle....
what the hell? she was shaggïng her uncle all this while and you never suspected a thing? don't marry this girl - just walk away! she's not worth it - the uncle probably took her virginïty and he would always have that "hold" on her......if you continue with her, don't be surprised if you raise bastards as kids! a word is enough for the....

According to her, she was sent to her uncle who promised to send her to school lagos, on getting there, it was a different ball game.

you can only marry her on one condition: no bride price!
how old was she when she moved in with her uncle?

coogar: you can only marry her on one condition: no bride price!
how old was she when she moved in with her uncle?

13years. When she was in jss2

OP how old was she when they started the 'relationship'?

@OP

its not much of her fault
she's tried to wash her conscience clean by telling you this secret

if you feel that this issue will disturb your relationship with her
perhaps you can slow down on the wedding plan
and confront her uncle
(I would)

remember to take a tape recorder with you
you might need this when speaking with the girls mum if you choose to take this route (with the girls permission)

confront the uncle?
like he would admit he's been abusing his niece....what's the essence of confronting the uncle? he should just leave the chic for the men who would take her as she is.......

coogar: confront the uncle?
like he would admit he's been abusing his niece....what's the essence of confronting the uncle? he should just leave the chic for the men who would take her as she is.......

I would do it out of concern
especially that someone like that could break a filial trust

He would deny alright,
but a confession can be got from him if the guy and girl work on it together

Its just a suggestion out of anger sha

(ensure you keep her relationship with her uncle a secret o. dont go telling your friends)

ileobatojo: OP how old was she when they started the 'relationship'?

17yrs.

hsapien: 17yrs.

Hmm thats tricky then. Do you know how it started, was she forced in the beginning? Was she being brainwashed for the 4 yrs prior to that and being prepared to become his future sexual object? Was it a consensual relationship from the start?How long after that did she continue to live with him? Sorry for all the questions, I'm just trying to understand her own position in all this. I just want to know how much of a victim she was to this sexual predator of an uncle.

coogar:

her uncle or her sugar daddy?
please elaborate - when you say "uncle", i am thinking her father's sibling or her mother's sibling......so which is which?

well at least she told u something but pls explore the topic to the end. Don´t crucify her for telling u the truth cos she could have with-held the truth from u and u won´t be any wiser. So sit her down and get the whole story from her just so that if and when u decide to walk down the aisle with her, u both do so with clean hearts.

ileobatojo:

Hmm thats tricky then. Do you know how it started, was she forced in the beginning? Was she being brainwashed for the 4 yrs prior to that and being prepared to become his future sexual object? Was it a consensual relationship from the start?How long after that did she continue to live with him? Sorry for all the questions, I'm just trying to understand her own position in all this. I just want to know how much of a victim she was to this sexual predator of an uncle.

at 17, isn't she an adult?
i admit the uncle is the green-eyed monster here but this chic was culpable as well. i don't think any sane girl would give in to sex at 17 if she doesn't want to.....worst case scenario, pack up and go back to the village!

esere826: @OP

its not much of her fault
she's tried to wash her conscience clean by telling you this secret

if you feel that this issue will disturb your relationship with her
perhaps you can slow down on the wedding plan
and confront her uncle
(I would)

remember to take a tape recorder with you
you might need this when speaking with the girls mum if you choose to take this route (with the girls permission)

Dumb!

ileobatojo:

Hmm thats tricky then. Do you know how it started, was she forced in the beginning? Was she being brainwashed for the 4 yrs prior to that and being prepared to become his future sexual object? Was it a consensual relationship from the start?How long after that did she continue to live with him? Sorry for all the questions, I'm just trying to understand her own position in all this. I just want to know how much of a victim she was to this sexual predator of an uncle.

according to her, the whole thing started when her uncle's wife travelled to the village for a burial ceremony. On that faithful day, it rained heavily and the uncle came back from work very late. She went straight her room after serving dinner. When the uncle discovered that everybody had gone to bed, he came to her and said he (the uncle) is ready to do anything for her, even to send her abroad for studies. She tried to resist him,but all to no avail. Ever since, they have been doing it.

coogar:

at 17, isn't she an adult?
i admit the uncle is the green-eyed monster here but this chic was culpable as well. i don't think any sane girl would give in to sex at 17 if she doesn't want to.....worst case scenario, pack up and go back to the village!

I disagree that no 17 yr old would give in to sex if she doesn't want it. (I'm gonna assume you are excluding forced intercourse.)

Because of the position the uncle was in her life there is a huge power differential (not physical power) which he took the liberty to abuse. As far as I'm concerned, he is a predator and the blame rests on him as long as she is not the one that initiated the whole thing

ileobatojo:
I disagree that no 17 yr old would give in to sex if she doesn't want it. I'm gonna assume you are excluding forced intercourse.

forced intercourse every night till she became grown? hahahahaha - nice try!
i admit the first night might not be her fault, but whatever happened after then is complicity! she must have teachers in school, relatives, family friends, etc.....and she told none of them and the abuse went on for several years?

Because of the position the uncle was in her life there is a huge power differential (not physical power) which he took the liberty to abuse. As far as I'm concerned, he is a predator and the blame rests on him as long as she is not the one that initiated the whole thing

so @ 17, if an uncle waves his willy in your face, you would swear an oath of secrecy with him and go along because of his position in your life? come on - she's 17! at 17, i knew my right from my left and wouldn't do anything i didn't want to do in the first place....

coogar:

forced intercourse every night till she became grown? hahahahaha - nice try!
i admit the first night might not be her fault, but whatever happened after then is complicity! she must have teachers in school, relatives, family friends, etc.....and she told none of them and the abuse went on for several years?

..

Sorry I just realized my post didn't accurately portray my message. What I meant was, even excluding forced intercourse (which I assumed you also were) I still disagree that a 17yr old will not have sex if she doesn't want to.

coogar:

you should hire area boys and castrate the uncle....
what the hell? she was shaggïng her uncle all this while and you never suspected a thing? don't marry this girl - just walk away! she's not worth it - the uncle probably took her virginïty and he would always have that "hold" on her......if you continue with her, don't be surprised if you raise bastards as kids! a word is enough for the....

Wise ....

ileobatojo:

Sorry I just realized my post didn't accurately portray my message. What I meant was, even excluding forced intercourse (which I assumed you also were) I still disagree that a 17yr old will not have sex if she doesn't want to.

you are on your own with that....
if my 17 yr old daughter tells me she's abused for several months by her uncle - i would hold her partially responsible for keeping quiet about it! what the heck? at what point do young adults take responsibility for their own actions?

coogar:

you are on your own with that....
if my 17 yr old daughter tells me she's abused for several months by her uncle - i would hold her partially responsible for keeping quiet about it! what the heck? at what point do young adults take responsibility for their own actions?

But cooger she moved in since she was 13,

don't you have a wild thot that maybe .....just maybe...the uncle must have been molesting her since then by touching and flicking her inappropriately? It's called brainwashing from youth ,

how do you think alquada initiate those young innocent sucide bombers?

I agree not all 17yr olds are dumb but some are just so you know and when I say some ....I'm talking a chunk % you'd be surprised what's going on behind those closed doors

The lady was a victim at first....(assuming she was naive and coerced into it)
...but later became a willing participant....
Why did she continue when she could have spoken out/walked away?
She was enjoying the benefits/dividends perhaps?
I would understand if she was mentally unstable...but in this case,she cannot be absolved of any guilt..
She knew what she was doing and why!!
Whether or not the op chooses to forgive her past is his choice..
...but i wouldn't if it were me..!!
She is immoral!!

jidegirl12:

But cooger she moved in since she was 13,

don't you have a wild thot that maybe .....just maybe...the uncle must have been molesting her since then by touching and flicking her inappropriately? It's called brainwashing from youth ,

how do you think alquada initiate those young innocent sucide bombers?

I agree not all 17yr olds are dumb but some are just so you know and when I say some ....I'm talking a chunk % you'd be surprised what's going on behind those closed doors

Exactly! Even if op said she was the one that initiated it at 17, my next question would have been, was she brainwashed all those previous years?

jidegirl12:

But cooger she moved in since she was 13,

don't you have a wild thot that maybe .....just maybe...the uncle must have been molesting her since then by touching and flicking her inappropriately? It's called brainwashing from youth ,

how do you think alquada initiate those young innocent sucide bombers?

I agree not all 17yr olds are dumb but some are just so you know and when I say some ....I'm talking a chunk % you'd be surprised what's going on behind those closed doors

according to the op, she moved in with her uncle @ 13....
the abuse didn't start until she's 17 and the abuse went on for 4 yrs.....17 + 4 = 21yrs. of course, she became a willing participant.....at any point in that 4-year period, she could have stopped the abuse she continued to "enjoy" her uncle......

young innocent bombers were told to read the holy book and see where it's perfectly okay to kill the infidels with a promise of 72 virgins in paradise - show me any good book where it's perfectly moral to lay with one's uncle? abeg - this babe was enjoying the ride and other benefits the uncle must have used to buy her silence......

coogar:

at what point do young adults take responsibility for their own actions?

coogar:

according to the op, she moved in with her uncle @ 13....
the abuse didn't start until she's 17 and the abuse went on for 4 yrs.....17 + 4 = 21yrs. of course, she became a willing participant.....at any point in that 4-year period, she could have stopped the abuse she continued to "enjoy" her uncle......

See that's exactly why I said this in my previous post.

ileobatojo:
Hmm thats tricky then.

That being said, I believe the origins of the relationship may come into play to influence the OP's decision making process at this point.

It just doesn't add up in my brain?

A regretful adult that committed a sinful act will not come forward if she did it on purpose?

The act didn't start when she was 17 and if it did , OP I gotta tell you she's a slut period! ( for Naija raised girls only, cus we have a lot if dumb 17 yr olds here its serious!)

ileobatojo:
See that's exactly why I said this in my previous post.

That being said, I believe the origins of the relationship may come into play to influence the OP's decision making process at this point.

but some naija men are stüpid.....
what exactly would a 17 yr old offer him? in the land of plenty like naija where this man would get anything he wants with a tiny effort.......the uncle n the chic deserve each other....the op should walk away from the mess!

There is this story (cant remember exactly) about about a couple in the US that kidnapped a girl when she was young
they rap.ed her till she was mature and she even had a baby
Sometime in the girls adult life she decided to escape

why did she not escape earlier?

These things are not as easy as we think
there's a lot of psychology implications involved

or is it the stories of some priests that molested young boys
these boys could only tell decades later

That she's telling him about the affair speaks volumes of her trusting/simple personality
the same weakness that allowed her uncle molest her

Of course the guy can simply walk away
as simply as the girl could have avoided telling him and saving herself some headache

I guess things are not that simple as he is about to find out

coogar:
abeg - this babe was enjoying the ride and other benefits the uncle must have used to buy her silence......

Coogar, do you know that even children who were abducted, kept in a closet and sexually molested for years often develop affection for their molesters? They often miss them when they get rescued. I'm not saying this is the same situation but there is often more to the psychology of this issue than just a simplistic 'she was enjoying the benefits' approach. It seems nasty to the rest of us but we don't know what was going on in her mind and we don't know how she eventually came to rationalize that the relationship was okay in her mind.

Personally, I think she is messed up and the OP has a rough road ahead if he goes on with the relationship but perhaps he may be more empathetic and willing to tough it out and get her help if he understands the issue fully.