How do you forgive someone who caused you so much pain in the past? Someone who was supposed to be there for you but was not there when you needed them the most. This person is close to me but try as I may I am not at all comfortable around this person. Sometimes I don't even feel like speaking to this person.

Now the person is trying to make a change but to be honest I am finding it so hard to act lovingly with the person. Please good nairalanders I need advice on how to truly forgive and forget about what this perosn did to me in the past. I want to let the past be history but I am finding it difficult.

rokiatu: How do you forgive someone who caused you so much pain in the past? Someone who was supposed to be there for you but was not there when you needed them the most. This person is close to me but try as I may I am not at all comfortable around this person. Sometimes I don't even feel like speaking to this person.

Now the person is trying to make a change but to be honest I am finding it so hard to act lovingly with the person. Please good nairalanders I need advice on how to truly forgive and forget about what this perosn did to me in the past. I want to let the past be history but I am finding it difficult.

You will probably NEVER EVER EVER forget, but to forgive is not as hard as you think it. The way I see it, forgiveness is for your own good.

Nothing concern me

Put yourself in that person's shoes. I know you're not a christian but Our farther lord give us an instruction about forgiving others if you want God to forgove you.

born2fuck: Nothing concern me

If you have nothing better to say please say nothing.

U dont need to forget before u can forgive......( inasmuch as u are not suffering from memory-loss).....forgive d person and move on with yur life, if d person tries to be too close, which u may not be interested in, set boundaries, be careful with d person, lest what happened before should happen again, forgive completely, its good for your health, dont try to refer to what happened before, just live your life and be wise enough in relating with d person. May God help u.......... Amen.

greatgod2012: U dont need to forget before u can forgive......( inasmuch as u are not suffering from memory-loss).....forgive d person and move on with yur life, if d person tries to be too close, which u may not be interested in, set boundaries, be careful with d person, lest what happened before should happen again, forgive completely, its good for your health, dont try to refer to what happened before, just live your life and be wise enough in relating with d person. May God help u.......... Amen.

Thank you luv. And everyone also.

If your spirit just doesn't agree with the person, leave the person alone and keep them at arms length. Not every relationship is salvageable, and if you feel this way, then it probably isn't.

i dnt no wat the person might had done to u, but u should underst dat err is human to forgive is divine,we are made to make mistak's dat's nature
cause u so much pain,and not there when u need... tell dat person wat u have in mind how u feel,just voice it out and free urself from the pass
anytime it comes to ur mind resist it,say to urself dis's pass tin's
but sis u can't forget it,is in u it will take time's to forget if the person dont do similar thing,forgive because there's gud and bad
NOTE
when somebody hurt,betrayed or disappoint you in times of need and come back to u,
1)most come back positive life with negative mind
2)because of wat .. get from u
3)maybe sorry for wat .. ve done
4)be careful to have the person as ur friend again

Hey B2F

@topic, there's no "how" to forgive.you need a closure. Did the person ever apologise?

Sit down with the person and let her/him know you still feel bad about the "incident" . If s/he apologises sincerely, accept it and forgive. If you still find it difficult to forgive the fella afterwards then call of the relationship now

I see no point in being friends with one you can't forgive. . .

rokiatu: How do you forgive someone who caused you so much pain in the past?

Forgiving someone who hurts you is not always easy, believe me...most especially if its someone you love or care so much about.

Forgetting that he did something to hurt you is a different ball game entirely, as its almost impossible to forget...because the memories would always be there.

rokiatu: Someone who was supposed to be there for you but was not there when you needed them the most.

staying angry or upset simply because someone let you down, wouldn't cause him as much pain as you cause yourself by holding onto that hurt...cheer up and avoid getting yourself all worked up over this, cos doing such would only complicate the problem you have at hand.

rokiatu: This person is close to me but try as I may I am not at all comfortable around this person. Sometimes I don't even feel like speaking to this person.

What could be your reason...?

rokiatu: Now the person is trying to make a change but to be honest I am finding it so hard to act lovingly with the person. Please good nairalanders I need advice on how to truly forgive and forget about what this person did to me in the past. I want to let the past be history but I am finding it difficult.

the best way to end this once and for all, would be to grab the bull by the horns...

If he says he wants a second chance, and you feel he deserves it...then let him have it.

If you feel that giving him a second chance would only make things worse, then for your own mental wellness, I would suggest that you deal with the hurt and anger he has already put you through in the past...refuse him a second chance, and try to move on with your life.

Good luck.

Forgiveness is 4 our own gud n having a 4giving spirit is a gift.we offend GOD every milisecond,yet he's mercies her unlimited/unendin,so y wud it b hard 4 us 2 4giv others.f

rokiatu:

If you have nothing better to say please say nothing.

that's why I say nothing concerned, if it is odunnu, I would have give a reasonable advice but as for you, what you did to me, you will surely do to oothers, so nothing concern me

born2fuck: that's why I say nothing concerned, if it is odunnu, I would have give a reasonable advice but as for you, what you did to me, you will surely do to oothers, so nothing concern me

Chie my darling brn2phuck, you are that angry with me?

Calm down you hear..here's a kiss.

When people say forget, they don't mean "don't remember" that quote means learn from the events that happened but don't remember events in a way that it will cause you bitterness.

As Kobo said, forgiveness is for your own good. Move on, life is short.

As much as i like to preach forgiveness and believe it healthy...,its almost difficult to forgive some hurt even if you try...!
If you have tried to forgive and its not working,then stay away and have them stay away for as long as it takes you to heal....and in time,you will...or so i think/like to believe!!

Indeed, it is not easy to forgive.

If you don't forgive you may end up being bitter. You suffer the most if you refuse to forgive. Best to let it go its best you tell the person how hurt you are whether the person acknowledges his/her own wrong is irrelevant just free your soul by pouring out the pain. The healing begins from the out pour.

Thank you everyone I appreciate it.

You have to let it out,keep reminding him of his sh*its until one of u is tired.The worst thing you would do is bottling it up..if it is cheating,sorry dear,it will take years,but if you are ready to wait then time is your answer.

rokiatu: Please good nairalanders I need advice on how to truly forgive and forget about what this person did to me in the past. I want to let the past be history but I am finding it difficult.

Roki dear, you can't forget and you won't ever forget. History will always be a part of the present and the future.
About forgiveness, let it just come AT ITS OWN PACE and AT ITS OWN TIME. If you're angry at the person for what he/she did to you, then it's okay to be angry at the person. It's the only human reaction we have to people who've hurt or betrayed us. Most people jump into that "forgiveness" bandwagon so as not to face the pain/anger they feel inside of them. It doesn't matter how many times pastors and reverends talk about forgiveness, when you're betrayed, you must feel the pain and after the pain, anger. You MUST face these two emotions when betrayed otherwise you'll be consumed by negative energy. It's the only route to true forgiveness. Forget that statement Jesus said about forgiving people 77 times 7 times and turning the left cheek. Sometimes you have to break the legs of the people who've hurt you in order to later forgive them and then face Jesus later. You say you don't want to talk to the person sometimes, then don't do it. Don't bother with that extending a hand of friendship, bury the hatchet, embrace and kiss blah blah blah stuff. It's all fake (at least for now).

It's unfortunate this person is close to you but if you can avoid him/her, please do so. Assume this person is dead and avoid meeting him/her lest he/she triggers the wounds inflicted by him/her. In fact, let this person know in no uncertain terms that you really don't want him/her in your presence until further notice. It's better than putting on a show of "forgiveness".
It's after you go through the process of particular emotions that that you'll be able to genuinely forgive.
Pain > Anger > Resentment > Fatigue > Reason > Calmness > Genuine forgiveness........in that order. No escaping.
When you'll be READY to forgive you'll know it.
Good luck.

Thank you good girl.

Forgiving can be very hard.
Sometimes we need time.
Sometimes it's necessary to take some distance from the other person, at least for a while.
At other times we have to search and to find innocence in the other person. In other words, we have to try to understand that even though the person hurt us, she / he didn't actually want to. People make mistakes. We all make mistakes. We're just human.

Don't put pressure on you. It's good you're thinking of forgiveness but take your time. It won't come by force.

When you forgive someone, you are actually doing it for YOU, not really for that person. The reason is in order to hold a grudge against another you have to direct some of your energy(energy that could be spent on other things and issues) towards maintaining that grudge. It could get really expensive for you -- cause you risk suffering stress, depression, etc. I mean the effect is on the bearer of the grudge and not really the person the grudge is against. There are people who spend their lives holding grudges while those they hold a grudge against live their lives free of worries and stress of that kind.

When you decide to forgive, do it not just cause you feel it is the right thing to do but also because you do it for your own good. Let all that hatred, pity, victim mentality etc. Go, and you will see that you as a person will feel lighter and more able to function. Now you may never forget the experience and that is fine because I mean we have our memories for a reason. If we are to forget all the hurts of the past, we are more than likely to continue to find ourselves experiencing the same over and over. However, with the lessons learnt, we are able to avoid a repeat.

rokiatu: How do you forgive someone who caused you so much pain in the past? Someone who was supposed to be there for you but was not there when you needed them the most. This person is close to me but try as I may I am not at all comfortable around this person. Sometimes I don't even feel like speaking to this person.

Now the person is trying to make a change but to be honest I am finding it so hard to act lovingly with the person. Please good nairalanders I need advice on how to truly forgive and forget about what this perosn did to me in the past. I want to let the past be history but I am finding it difficult.

Girl you just described me.
I am the same way.

It is very possible not to forget what they did and forgive them. It simply means there
is no hate or wish for illness/bad luck on them BUT you still remember what they did. Some folks can accept what happened and move on as if nothing happened. Good for them but that's not how I get down...

In the case of someone like me, once you cross me although I wouldn't necessarily hate you, I would rather you do your thing elsewhere. We could be civil if contact is compulsory but the getting back close would not happen.

The way I see it is that it's more so a defense mechanism than hate or even a grudge.
I would rather keep a distance to protect myself and to keep the individual/s out of sight and therefore out of mind. That way hate or resentment won't creep into my thoughts.

*Kails*:


Girl you just described me.
I am the same way.

It is very possible not to forget what they did and forgive them. It simply means there
is no hate or wish for illness/bad luck on them BUT you still remember what they did. Some folks can accept what happened and move on as if nothing happened. Good for them but that's not how I get down...

In the case of someone like me, once you cross me although I wouldn't necessarily hate you, I would rather you do your thing elsewhere. We could be civil if contact is compulsory but the getting back close would not happen.

The way I see it is that it's more so a defense mechanism than hate or even a grudge.
I would rather keep a distance to protect myself and to keep the individual/s out of sight and therefore out of mind so that hate won't creep into my thoughts.

OMG we are so the same jeeeezzz. You understand where I am coming from.

rokiatu: How do you forgive someone who caused you so much pain in the past? Someone who was supposed to be there for you but was not there when you needed them the most. This person is close to me but try as I may I am not at all comfortable around this person. Sometimes I don't even feel like speaking to this person.

Now the person is trying to make a change but to be honest I am finding it so hard to act lovingly with the person. Please good nairalanders I need advice on how to truly forgive and forget about what this perosn did to me in the past. I want to let the past be history but I am finding it difficult.

Babes, you have to be at peace with yourself first.

Then you've got to be willing to forgive. i.e, it would and should come naturally ONLY IF you are willing to put it aside and move on.

rokiatu:

OMG we are so the same jeeeezzz. You understand where I am coming from.

sure do sis.