My hubby goes out of his way to please his mum,even at a very great inconvenience to himself. I sometimes think maybe because he didn't grow up with her,so he's trying to prove himself to her or something.
Anything she tells him to do he does,he cannot say 'mummy pls why don't we do it this way so it wnt be too stressful'
He dsnt see anything wrong in what she says,sometimes I would be the one to question her words or actions.
He needed money to boost his business,which she had (have it in mind that she didn't train him/bring him up)but she told him she needed to buy a car coz all her mates are driving cars,he had to continually beg her before she obliged.
Is it normal,or does my hubby have a void he's trying to fill by inconveniencing himself so much to please her?

Na wa.. Mother in-law wahala everywhere..

@ Acidosis. This is not mother-in-law wahala o she dsnt even know she's inconveniencing him,because he dsnt tell her. Although she uses the opportunity to request some unreasonable things though.

jux give ur hubby ur candid advice over the issue n let him knw hw u feel but dont try to stop him or else it might backfire on you. also pray for him. may be he wil learn to stand on his own n make decision for himself as a man dat he is the hard way.

^ ^ What more can I say about the bolded

Ms.JuanMata:
@ Acidosis. This is not mother-in-law wahala o she dsnt even know she's inconveniencing him,because he dsnt tell her . Although she uses the opportunity to request some unreasonable things though.

@ Julesbloom tanks very much.
I'm planning on doing that,( although I've tried talking to him about it before,but he felt I'm trying to make him stop helping his mum. He didn't get where I was coming from) that's why I needed to confirm if its normal or I'm reading too much into things.

Pls I need more opinions on this and any advice on how I can go about it. Thanks.

@Poster, what exactly do you want us to do from this distance? Diagnose the situation in your home for you? You married him so you ought to get to work figuring out who he is, how he thinks and all that. Usually before marriage you have a good idea what kind of personality(unless you are one of those who rather than observe and record what they see, would rather project their own delusions on those around them) your husband has, so with that information you should have some place to start.

Kobojunkie: @Poster, what exactly do you want us to do from this distance? Diagnose the situation in your home for you? You married him so you ought to get to work figuring out who he is, how he thinks and all that. Usually before marriage you have a good idea what kind of personality(unless you are one of those who rather than observe and record what they see, would rather project their own delusions on those around them) your husband has, so with that information you should have some place to start.

Thanks. He's not objective where his mum comes in,he dsnt reason straight(if I can say that) so I'm so skeptical about how to bring it up.
I'm someone who tries to nip things in the bud,so since I observed it I've bin thinking of a possible way to bring it up with him. He was a no-nonsense person before we got married,even his mum knew. So I dnt understand where all this is coming from. I dnt want to believe its the money she lent him.

Ms.JuanMata:


Thanks. He's not objective where his mum comes in,he dsnt reason straight(if I can say that) so I'm so skeptical about how to bring it up.
I'm someone who tries to nip things in the bud,so since I observed it I've bin thinking of a possible way to bring it up with him. He was a no-nonsense person before we got married,even his mum knew. So I dnt understand where all this is coming from. I dnt want to believe its the money she lent him.

You are not dating him. You are already married to him so you have to figure this out on your own. This is probably your new assignment -- we all get them in marriage from time to time.

Tanks Kobo. Other opinions are welcome pls.

How exactly does it affect you that he's trying to please his mum? Does it affect your relationship with your hubby in any way? Does your MIL live with you?

If your MIL is not giving you any problems and your husband is not complaining, why don't you let sleeping dogs lie?

And what do you want us to do?

Until his mother dies, there's nothing that you can do. Enjoy the ride ans support him. I'm sure when you were dating him, you saw him taking care of his mom as a good thing. Please deal with it.

The mum probably has a kind of hold on him that you don't understand..and she also isn't seeing her demands as inconveniencies..
Your husband obviously can't say "No" to his mum or thinks she's worth his inconvenience and if he is not complaining,then there's little you can do.
Even if you talk with and try to make him see why he shouldn't go out of his way to please his mum,he won't see until he wants to see.
I'm afraid you just have to live with this until your husband is strong enough or decides to say "No" to his mum.

.

Ohk let me site an example so you all can understand it better. I have a mum too and if she needs my help most times she asks "is that okay with you"?
Ohk this instance;
She was coming to visit us and normally when she arrives my hubby goes to pick her. On that day he had a trip and he calculated it that he wld pick her on his way home,but the time she told him she wld be coming is later than when he wld be coming home himself.
So I told him,why dnt you tell her to come earlier so that you guys can get there @ the same time,he refused.
When he was through with what he was doing,he looked for somewhere to sit under the sun,in a rowdy place,he was hungry,tired and pressed to use the loo.
When he came home he was so tired and stressed,rushed to the loo and was complaining of how stressful everything was.
My point is this,he couls hav just said "mummy pls leave an hour or so earlier so you can get here by so so so tym". Its not like she was doing anything you get?
Things like that.

As I said he wasn't going out his way like this when we were dating,al this started I think after she lent him money.
I just feel maybe bcoz he didn't grow up with her he's trying to do everything to please her.
That particular day I felt so bad for him. I have a mum too but we communicate. I think he dsnt know how to communicate with her bcoz of the previous bridge.

Leave your husband alone. For God's sake it is his mum, not a cousin or auntie.
As long as the woman is not ruling over your house please leave her alone.

Some of us are passionate about our mums!

,

@ Chaircover, I just felt if its avoidable then why go through the stress,just because you cnt voice out your feelings.
If you all feel I'm overworkin myself then its okay,that's why I asked for opinions in the first place.
Thanks.

Mrs Juan so it really bugs you that the man is a dondie for his mom abi?

Lemme tell you one thing move closer and flex your ears to listen..... You can't do anything about it, face front and mind your own business , if the grass is greener in the other side , water your own and stop being jealous ..... that's what boys do for their mom, you live with it or you're looking for something else.....or is the woman troubling your marriage or asking you for money?

or can I ask is she invading your 'Personal space' ?

I just don't get it why people look for trouble when it's sitting jejelly

@mis juan mata...if u are a christian,I'l recommend a book for u 'the power of a praying wife' just pray for him so dat God will help him find balance btwn u and his mum.worry will not help,just pray for him den discuss wit him.cheers

@Poster, how old is your husband? How old is the mother? That can maybe give us a better idea in what it is you think or maybe seeing there. How long have you been married? When did he re-connect with his mother? Did anything change recently that made him start doting on her the way you described or is it just that you did not pay attention to this before you married him but are only now just noticing what has been there all along?>

slushia: @mis juan mata...if u are a christian,I'l recommend a book for u 'the power of a praying wife' just pray for him so dat God will help him find balance btwn u and his mum.worry will not help,just pray for him den discuss wit him.cheers

Don't twist her story now..... she's not having attention problems with her man , she's having problems with his man giving too much attention to his mom....as in the mom that gave birth to him

@ Jidegirl yes o,why wnt I be unhappy seeing my hubby doing 'dondie' for anybody even if its his mum.
You all are not getting it,he's not doing it out of love,he's doing it out of 'fear' to hurt her feelings,because if I say should I tell her? He wld say 'ohk',but if I say 'tell her now' he wld say 'dnt worry'
In short meself I don tire, and the woman that brought him up he dsnt do 'dondie' for her like dis.
I even feel she deserves its more.

@OP,
good day ma.
Why are you trying to create problems for yourself? Why are you trying to put fire on the roof of your house because this is exactly what you are trying to do to your marriage.
Even if your mother in law did not care for your husband and I find that hard to believe. She carried hiom in her tummy for 9 months ,bre@st fed him and generally took care of him till you arrived on the scene years later and you want him to slash this maternal bond between mother and child just like that?
Do you have male children? How would you like it that when they are grown and their wives tried to cut the bond between you and them.
I am sorry to say all the issues you have raised are non issues. Your MIL does not even disturb your hubbby for money but rather gives to him. You do not know how lucky you are.
Your MIL bought a car for herself and you are complaining when she did not ask your husband for the money and you are still complaining.
I suggest you look for something to engage yourself because it seems you have too much idle time to monitor your MIL who appears to be living her life in peace.
A word is enough for the wise.

I know u dnt ve anything against MIL, u just want things done d right way.There can never be anything too much to do 4 one parent, even if uve 2 go out of ur way, whether they train u up r not. So u ve 2 find a way 2 live wit it, ur husband is nt complaining, pls dnt cause any problem between him & his mother. I knw his money is urs too, but u ve 2 trust his judgement, maybe God is even blessing him becos of what he is doin 4 his mum. He is a gud man, ur mum may also enjoy dis too.cheers

Ms.JuanMata:
@ Jidegirl yes o,why wnt I be unhappy seeing my hubby doing 'dondie' for anybody even if its his mum. In short meself I don tire, and the woman that brought him up he dsnt do 'dondie' for her like dis.
I even feel she deserves its more.

pls madam, its disrespectful 2 come here & say ur hubby is a donde, i dnt think u want 2 be controlling ur husband becos u appearing so already. I can bet u wil nt enjoy d outcome of dis ur venture.

@ Richkvunt....hahahaha! U sef they over advice the matter! I dnt have any problems with my mother-in-law,she's very nice (except for some few things sha).
I just feel my hubby has communication issues with her (I'm trying to figure out why). This is another instance, his mum asked him to drive her somewhere,she didn't tel him she was goin to get ready and he was busy with sumtin @ home.
When she was ready she told him nd he decided to put off what he was doin,knowing if he stops halfway he wld hav to start from the beginning again,nd he was almost tru.
So I told him 'why dnt you tel mumi to exercise a little patience' he said 'No no no dnt worry', so I asked 'shld I tel her' he said ohk. I told her and she waited for him abit,when he was through they left.
I dnt knw if any of you understand where I'm coming from.
I dnt want to put fire in my home,I just feel my hubby has psychological/communication issues with his mum and I'm thinking of how to help him.

@ Richkvnt. She gave him away when he was two,sum1 else brought him up. Its just recently they started getting close.

bjcole: pls madam, its disrespectful 2 come here & say ur hubby is a donde, i dnt think u want 2 be controlling ur husband becos u appearing so already. I can bet u wil nt enjoy d outcome of dis ur venture.

She did not say he is a "dondie" but that he is acting like one. There is a big difference.

I suspect she is not telling us enough of what is going on for us to really see what she sees. There are many cases of such out there but it all depends how far the husband/wife has taken it, and I believe the @poster has not given us enough information to work with.

Ms.JuanMata:
@ Jidegirl yes o,why wnt I be unhappy seeing my hubby doing 'dondie' for anybody even if its his mum.
You all are not getting it,he's not doing it out of love,he's doing it out of 'fear' to hurt her feelings,because if I say should I tell her? He wld say 'ohk',but if I say 'tell her now' he wld say 'dnt worry'
In short meself I don tire, and the woman that brought him up he dsnt do 'dondie' for her like dis.
I even feel she deserves its more.

That's what boys do for their mom..... I won't sugarcoat any advice to you.... face front and don't cause problems for yourself..... ah ah women!.... just always find a reason to complain!...... As long as it doesn't affect your own relationship and expenses..... let him buy titanic Abeg.

Nobody here will tell you anything different and I bet that's what you get out there or else you're ready to ruin your marriage .

Lemme ask you again , do you actually think he's dumb?

Kobojunkie: @Poster, how old is your husband? How old is the mother? That can maybe give us a better idea in what it is you think or maybe seeing there. How long have you been married? Did anything change recently that made him start doting on her the way you described or is it just that you did not pay attention to this before you married him but are only now just noticing what has been there all along?>

what r all these ur questions 4? this is how u people scatter homes.

bjcole: what r all these ur questions 4? this is how u people scatter homes.

um. . . the fact that she sees a reason to complain should be enough to motivate you to make sure you have a good UNDERSTANDING of what it is she is really experiencing BEFORE you post advice that pretends a full understanding of her situation.

Suggesting that she pretends nothing is wrong is the way people scatter homes. . . emotions bottled up don't solve problems . .they instead create problems.