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Should Family Position Of Your Partner Be Considered Before Marriage? - Family (1) - Nairaland

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Re: Should Family Position Of Your Partner Be Considered Before Marriage? by Iolo(m): 10:37am On Dec 10, 2012
It is important to consider this. Although it shouldn't be enough reason to break a proposed marriage.

I think for the man. He needs to carefully consider and make himself mentally prepared for the financial implications that come with marrying a lady with several siblings still in school and obviously may be in need of financial assistance from their elder sister at some point.

Marriage is not all about love. Such minute details as OP mentions are also worth thinking of. Accepting the possibility of assisting junior siblings and being mentally prepared fr it would put one in a far better position than thinking your money is for just urself and the wife after the wedding, and it becoming a source of argument later on.

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Re: Should Family Position Of Your Partner Be Considered Before Marriage? by dan55: 10:39am On Dec 10, 2012
maybe
Re: Should Family Position Of Your Partner Be Considered Before Marriage? by Gabbylovesyou(m): 10:40am On Dec 10, 2012
Money is d key! If u av d money,i believe dz issue won't b a problem! Mtcheww!
Re: Should Family Position Of Your Partner Be Considered Before Marriage? by vanstanzy(m): 10:41am On Dec 10, 2012
Doyensky: na wao, so, its now a crime 2 be d first female 2 get married in a family.... som naija guyz dnt jst think straight, is it nt som1 dats gonna get married 2 dem or wen has position bcom a problem

Most of u ladies are killers, well i think i know where that comes from. U just have no mercy for men at all. The manner of responsibilities heaped on the man by in-laws is killing especially if he's the husband to the first daughter. We just need to wipe this mentality that every groom is the solution to his in-laws monetary and family wahala and has no responsibilities to his own family. NA WA O!
Re: Should Family Position Of Your Partner Be Considered Before Marriage? by sydneyobioha(m): 10:49am On Dec 10, 2012
stillme: Mehn! To me it is not easy but with wisdom,knowledge and understanding there's always a way out. It never occurred to me until now. Not quite long that I got married,I never knew it's one of criterias to assess before getting married. My wife is third in the family of seven and the second to marry. It is not easy coping with her siblings expenses and carelessness attitude.
I heard one of my friends saying he can't marry first child of the family due to some reasons best known to him.
My question is, should one consider the position of his or her partner before getting married?

the answer to ur question is yes! If a lady happens to be d first of all other sibblings, she will always find it diffult to cope under a man. This is because no one has disciplined her in d family before if nt d parents alone.
Re: Should Family Position Of Your Partner Be Considered Before Marriage? by prettyboi1(m): 10:51am On Dec 10, 2012
pak:


Classic !!! Stillme 3 v 1 Kobojunkie grin grin (abeg stillme next time you want to throw that kind of knock out jab, send him a PM first. This kain yab can totally disorganize one's day, even the entire week sef)
Lmao, dude which kain referee you be sef? This your mouth na im even make the knock out classic pass.
@OP that line "but this time I believe your brain is on vacation" is a claaaassssiiiiccc.

1 Like

Re: Should Family Position Of Your Partner Be Considered Before Marriage? by Gabbylovesyou(m): 10:56am On Dec 10, 2012
Women women Women!
Fear them!
Re: Should Family Position Of Your Partner Be Considered Before Marriage? by moscobabs(m): 10:58am On Dec 10, 2012
stillme: Mehn! To me it is not easy but with wisdom,knowledge and understanding there's always a way out. It never occurred to me until now. Not quite long that I got married,I never knew it's one of criterias to assess before getting married. My wife is third in the family of seven and the second to marry. It is not easy coping with her siblings expenses and carelessness attitude.
I heard one of my friends saying he can't marry first child of the family due to some reasons best known to him.
My question is, should one consider the position of his or her partner before getting married?
Yes ooo my bro.I got married on 17th of Nov.im d 1st born and she s d 1st born as well,4 of her siblings had visited us in less dan one month of my wedding and d expenses is unbearable for me again.3 of them spent 3days with us i still give them something when they were leaving while d lastborn is still with us and she never decide on the day she s going 2 leave.infact what im telling is causing crack in d wall of our marriage now.bt i dnt knw hw 2 talk to my wife.im only reacting cos i dnt want d siblings to suspect.
Re: Should Family Position Of Your Partner Be Considered Before Marriage? by Ivfaith(f): 10:58am On Dec 10, 2012
Abali1:

OP, as an African, a Nigerian and a Igbo, your question makes absolute sense. We still practice extended family relations where I come from.
The saying "when you marry, you are married to the whole family" comes to mind in this situation. Infact when you get married you automatically become a son/daughter of the family you married into. The position of you spouse counts, unless you want alienate yourself from the family.

If you married a first daughter, it is only understandable that the younger ones will see you as a big brother who they can run to in times of need (though some abuse this situation). On the other hand if you marry a first son, know that your husband's siblings will only see you as a big aunty whom the expect to get gifts from time to time, cos they will think "it is our brothers money" (also some families abuse this).

Whether you like it or not, this things happen in marriage and if the couples don't sit down and discuss the issue of extended family, there is bound to be some misunderstanding in future and some times it has led to break up of marriages.
Re: Should Family Position Of Your Partner Be Considered Before Marriage? by Ivfaith(f): 10:58am On Dec 10, 2012
Abali1:

OP, as an African, a Nigerian and a Igbo, your question makes absolute sense. We still practice extended family relations where I come from.
The saying "when you marry, you are married to the whole family" comes to mind in this situation. Infact when you get married you automatically become a son/daughter of the family you married into. The position of you spouse counts, unless you want alienate yourself from the family.

If you married a first daughter, it is only understandable that the younger ones will see you as a big brother who they can run to in times of need (though some abuse this situation). On the other hand if you marry a first son, know that your husband's siblings will only see you as a big aunty whom the expect to get gifts from time to time, cos they will think "it is our brothers money" (also some families abuse this).

Whether you like it or not, this things happen in marriage and if the couples don't sit down and discuss the issue of extended family, there is bound to be some misunderstanding in future and some times it has led to break up of marriages.
Re: Should Family Position Of Your Partner Be Considered Before Marriage? by Ivfaith(f): 10:59am On Dec 10, 2012
Abali1:

OP, as an African, a Nigerian and a Igbo, your question makes absolute sense. We still practice extended family relations where I come from.
The saying "when you marry, you are married to the whole family" comes to mind in this situation. Infact when you get married you automatically become a son/daughter of the family you married into. The position of you spouse counts, unless you want alienate yourself from the family.

If you married a first daughter, it is only understandable that the younger ones will see you as a big brother who they can run to in times of need (though some abuse this situation). On the other hand if you marry a first son, know that your husband's siblings will only see you as a big aunty whom the expect to get gifts from time to time, cos they will think "it is our brothers money" (also some families abuse this).

Whether you like it or not, this things happen in marriage and if the couples don't sit down and discuss the issue of extended family, there is bound to be some misunderstanding in future and some times it has led to break up of marriages.
Re: Should Family Position Of Your Partner Be Considered Before Marriage? by Ivfaith(f): 11:01am On Dec 10, 2012
true talk my broda,its really a vital issue to be considered bf settlin down.
Re: Should Family Position Of Your Partner Be Considered Before Marriage? by AreaFada2: 11:03am On Dec 10, 2012
@Tunji,

People just make comments without understanding the issue at hand.
A relative of mine is having such issue now. she has even clashed with her in-laws. Her husband who is the eldest male (has elder sisters)is shouldering the load of all his unmarried siblings and aged mother. Others who are are equally doing well make to contribution. Their dad is no more. The man is working and earning good money but almost nothing to show for it, except for structures he managed to erect years ago. Imagine sponsoring several siblings at uni and his own young kids all in private schools.

Many people are in the same situation to the consternation of the spouse (who didn't expect such). Out of sense of responsibility, they just soldier on unhappily. Stopping is not possible.



maclatunji:

I understand what you mean perfectly. There something called Role Set. This means I as an individual may have many roles- a son, husband, father, brother, boss, subordinate, teacher etc. The same thing applies to you and your spouse.

What your wife is experiencing is Role Strain. Performing the role of elder sister is putting a strain on her role as a wife thereby creating problems in her marriage.

If you the husband decide to put pressure on her over this matter, Role Conflict may occur. This means her role as elder sister has become antithetical to her role as your wife and she has to choose one.

I suggest that you don't allow this to happen. Support her and help relieve her burden not add to it.

You are right we singles should recognise these and other issues and figure out how to manage them before getting married.
Re: Should Family Position Of Your Partner Be Considered Before Marriage? by Nobody: 11:07am On Dec 10, 2012
I don‘t blame men saying they can‘t marry first daughter; but no man ll complain if the lady‘s family is ok and the woman is working. Can we say women should not marry firstborn men cuz dy also v responsilibities?
Yes, partner‘s position should be considered and its better to make strong decisions about one‘s financial issues.
Marriage is a union, so it includes handling all issues together with wisdom.
Re: Should Family Position Of Your Partner Be Considered Before Marriage? by omoseun(f): 11:11am On Dec 10, 2012
@ Op, i understand you and that is because i'm equally expriencing the same thing in my marriage. I'm married to the 1st child (son) of seven children and their parent are not financially stable.
To be candid it is not funny at all and that is because in my family we don't depend on the other for financial assistant (we are all financially ok).with time, you will adjust to the situation and learn to give what you can.

Finally, to all of you saying a partner's position in the family doesn't matter, you must be the biggest joker of the year. Your partner's position in the family matters alot because it will determine your financial strength.

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Re: Should Family Position Of Your Partner Be Considered Before Marriage? by Kobojunkie: 11:18am On Dec 10, 2012
omoseun: Finally, to all of you saying a partner's position in the family doesn't matter, you must be the biggest joker of the year. Your partner's position in the family matters alot because it will determine your financial strength.

The problem with box-thinkers is that you try to subject everything you encounter to the limits obtained in that box of yours. You claim to be married to a man who happens to be the first born and pretend the reason why your husband bears the financial burden is simply because he is the first born. What then do you tell a woman who is married to the third son in the family who happens to bear the financial burden for his family? Do you tell her that she lies and that her husband is really the first born as a result? Is that how you will explain that away?

No one family is same with others. Some first-borns out there do not even bear the burden, whether female or male. There are numerous cases of even the 4th borns (female or male) bearing all the burden because those before her refuse to take on the extra responsibilities as they see no reason to. While there are cases where each sibling is only responsible for self, and no one else. Essentially, there is no cut-and-paste logic obtainable for these things but clearly we have lots of inside-the-box thinkers, mostly males(I pity the women who end up with this ones) who feel there is way they can maneuver around the problems of life while skirting common sense.
Re: Should Family Position Of Your Partner Be Considered Before Marriage? by Quads: 11:35am On Dec 10, 2012
Kobojunkie:

The problem with box-thinkers is that you try to subject everything you encounter to the limits obtained in that box of yours. You claim to be married to a man who happens to be the first born and pretend the reason why your husband bears the financial burden is simply because he is the first born. What then do you tell a woman who is married to the third son in the family who happens to bear the financial burden for his family? Do you tell her that she lies and that her husband is really the first born as a result? Is that how you will explain that away?

No one family is same with others. Some first-borns out there do not even bear the burden, whether female or male. There are numerous cases of even the 4th borns bearing all the burden because those before her refuse to take on the extra responsibilities as they see no reason to. While there are cases where each sibling is only responsible for self, and no one else. Essentially, there is no cut-and-paste logic obtainable for these things but clearly we have lots of inside-the-box thinkers, mostly males(I pity the women who end up with this ones) who feel there is way they can maneuver around the problems of life while skirting common sense.

All you're trying to do is redeem yourself. The OP posted about considering female positions in families before marriage and you went on a tangent based on that. In Igbo land marrying an Ada comes with its responsibilities which must not necessarily be financial. So anyone not willing to take on extra roles asides his own immediate family needs to consider this before embarking on a journey of no return.

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Re: Should Family Position Of Your Partner Be Considered Before Marriage? by Kobojunkie: 11:38am On Dec 10, 2012
Quads:

All you're trying to do is redeem yourself. The OP posted about considering female positions in families before marriage and you went on a tangent based on that. In Igbo land marrying an Ada comes with its responsibilities which must not necessarily be financial. So anyone not willing to take on extra roles asides his own immediate family needs to consider this before embarking on a journey of no return.

um . . . I am going to guess right off the bat that you have comprehension issues for you to offer the above in response to the words I typed, and in English too.
Re: Should Family Position Of Your Partner Be Considered Before Marriage? by omiobo: 11:39am On Dec 10, 2012
Kobojunkie:

The problem with box-thinkers is that you try to subject everything you encounter to the limits obtained in that box of yours. You claim to be married to a man who happens to be the first born and pretend the reason why your husband bears the financial burden is simply because he is the first born. What then do you tell a woman who is married to the third son in the family who happens to bear the financial burden for his family? Do you tell her that she lies and that her husband is really the first born as a result? Is that how you will explain that away?

No one family is same with others. Some first-borns out there do not even bear the burden, whether female or male. There are numerous cases of even the 4th borns bearing all the burden because those before her refuse to take on the extra responsibilities as they see no reason to. While there are cases where each sibling is only responsible for self, and no one else. Essentially, there is no cut-and-paste logic obtainable for these things but clearly we have lots of inside-the-box thinkers, mostly males(I pity the women who end up with this ones) who feel there is way they can maneuver around the problems of life while skirting common sense.

wetin be this na! This guy is seriously high on something.
Re: Should Family Position Of Your Partner Be Considered Before Marriage? by Nobody: 12:05pm On Dec 10, 2012
@poster. Y r u tryina run away 4rm responsibilities? Should i say u wanna find an excuse to be selfish? Tell me, suppose she were d last child in d family; wudnt u give her elder siblings some assistance if need be?

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Re: Should Family Position Of Your Partner Be Considered Before Marriage? by anitank(f): 12:27pm On Dec 10, 2012
For me it matters a lot. I already told myself i would never marry the first son of a family of more than 3
Re: Should Family Position Of Your Partner Be Considered Before Marriage? by anitank(f): 12:31pm On Dec 10, 2012
Fit2Rule: @poster. Y r u tryina run away 4rm responsibilities? Should i say u wanna find an excuse to be selfish? Tell me, suppose she were d last child in d family; wudnt u give her elder siblings some assistance if need be?
Have u considered the guy could have his own immediate family to take care of too? who will take care of his own siblings if he spends all his money on some dependent in-laws?
Re: Should Family Position Of Your Partner Be Considered Before Marriage? by Dygeasy(m): 12:36pm On Dec 10, 2012
Kobojunkie:

The problem with box-thinkers is that you try to subject everything you encounter to the limits obtained in that box of yours. You claim to be married to a man who happens to be the first born and pretend the reason why your husband bears the financial burden is simply because he is the first born. What then do you tell a woman who is married to the third son in the family who happens to bear the financial burden for his family? Do you tell her that she lies and that her husband is really the first born as a result? Is that how you will explain that away?

No one family is same with others. Some first-borns out there do not even bear the burden, whether female or male. There are numerous cases of even the 4th borns (female or male) bearing all the burden because those before her refuse to take on the extra responsibilities as they see no reason to. While there are cases where each sibling is only responsible for self, and no one else. Essentially, there is no cut-and-paste logic obtainable for these things but clearly we have lots of inside-the-box thinkers, mostly males(I pity the women who end up with this ones) who feel there is way they can maneuver around the problems of life while skirting common sense.
you don't give up do you?
Re: Should Family Position Of Your Partner Be Considered Before Marriage? by Quads: 12:43pm On Dec 10, 2012
Kobojunkie:

um . . . I am going to guess right off the bat that you have comprehension issues for you to offer the above in response to the words I typed, and in English too.

You perfectly well understood what I typed and as someone said you just don't give up. Ur're just like a drowning man grabbing at straws

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Re: Should Family Position Of Your Partner Be Considered Before Marriage? by joshuaidibia(m): 12:43pm On Dec 10, 2012
OMO! Smtyms e gud o. Poor boy no fit jst go mary poor grl. Den born poverty. Although dey myt gt rich in future sha. Bt dts a risk 2 tke,nd endanger d well been of d unborn kids,jst fr ur own selfish conji needs.
Re: Should Family Position Of Your Partner Be Considered Before Marriage? by Benito69(m): 12:48pm On Dec 10, 2012
NEVER MARRY OR DATE THE FIRST CHILD ESPECIALLY IF ITS A GIRL, YOU WILL RAISE THE YOUNG ONES E.G IGBOS AND DELTA STATE PEOPLE. BUT IF YOU HAVE THE MUSCLE, GO AHEAD BUT DON'T COMPLAIN AFTER.
Re: Should Family Position Of Your Partner Be Considered Before Marriage? by dammytosh: 12:52pm On Dec 10, 2012
maclatunji:

I understand what you mean perfectly. There something called Role Set. This means I as an individual may have many roles- a son, husband, father, brother, boss, subordinate, teacher etc. The same thing applies to you and your spouse.

What your wife is experiencing is Role Strain. Performing the role of elder sister is putting a strain on her role as a wife thereby creating problems in her marriage.

If you the husband decide to put pressure on her over this matter, Role Conflict may occur. This means her role as elder sister has become antithetical to her role as your wife and she has to choose one.

I suggest that you don't allow this to happen. Support her and help relieve her burden not add to it.

You are right we singles should recognise these and other issues and figure out how to manage them before getting married.

God bless you. At least some one read the post with an objective mindset without provocative ranting. Reasons why Marriage break per second like airtel billings.

Apart from financials, If you are the first child and you are dating a first child who is also used to ordering his / her siblings around. You need wisdom to sail through. It is as simple as ABC.

1 Like

Re: Should Family Position Of Your Partner Be Considered Before Marriage? by jaymdee(m): 12:59pm On Dec 10, 2012
omiobo:

GBAM!!!grin
Gbam!!! Again. The guy was just speaking English without making a single point. Na wa o.
Re: Should Family Position Of Your Partner Be Considered Before Marriage? by Slim101(m): 1:25pm On Dec 10, 2012
Kobojunkie:

There is something that is typical with a lot of Nigerians, not just you. Rather than look for ways to release yourselves from those mentalities that have to date yielded not much in the way of progress, you look for others like you to feed you the same old BS so you can maintain the four-walls of that box that has caged you and those before you for generations.

You conveniently label it wisdom and understanding yet NOTHING in the bible suggest any of what you and your concocted in this makes sense. In fact pattern after pattern in the books shows that those who considered this sort of thinking wisdom ended up paying for it, dearly too. But, like I said, I know this is Nigerian way of reasoning and you are welcome to continue in that box of stu_pid ideas, and pretending they have to do with wisdom when even common sense continues to fly past you on a daily basis.

I am sorry you feel insulted but I have in no way insulted your person, only told you the truth about your thinking, your friend's and the fact that you are no different from the typical Nigerian out there, always looking for ways to AVOID applying common sense solutions, which consists is WISDOM itself, when trying to resolve even daily life's issues. Again, the Bible says Wisdom confounds the foolish . . . I see it daily in many Nigerians.

It is very essential to comprehend before commenting (be it e - or real life discussions) or else it will make u look like a junkie that is actually high on some cheap drugs.
You don't understand d OP's question and I think u shd have followed the thread for reasonable contributions before dropping your own 2cents, but u didn't. And u won't even listen to corrections!! So immature of you.

@Topic: Sensible observation. It happens a lot in Nigerian families including mine (I married a first daughter too). I think communication (btw d couple), unsentimental reasoning and wisdom (like u said) could help to manage the situation.
Even if u're financially endowed, it could still cause cracks in ur relationship when the burden of demands (not only financial) and transference of responsibilities are too much on you.

4 Likes

Re: Should Family Position Of Your Partner Be Considered Before Marriage? by Nobody: 1:33pm On Dec 10, 2012
I, not only hope but pray that posters that contibuted by saying they can‘t marry ...... blablablablablabla (first this or third that), end up marrying them. I also pray God provides everything you need to succeed in that marriage!
Don‘t yab me because at times things that are beyond our understanding happens and you find out what you dislike is the best for you.
Re: Should Family Position Of Your Partner Be Considered Before Marriage? by Nobody: 1:37pm On Dec 10, 2012
@ all against kobojunkie; Remove his insults, look beyond some ideas you do not agree with and you ll see this issue from another perspective.
Re: Should Family Position Of Your Partner Be Considered Before Marriage? by slimyem: 1:42pm On Dec 10, 2012
Yes o..
It is very important.If you know where you are coming from,you should also where you are going.
It doesn't make sense to go marry a first born of a family with seven siblings and financially incapable parents when you are from an indigent family with responsibilities of your own.
Wisdom should be applied in cases like this else it'll put a strain on the marriage so much one'd wish to not have made that choice.

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