Doyensky: na wao, so, its now a crime 2 be d first female 2 get married in a family.... som naija guyz dnt jst think straight, is it nt som1 dats gonna get married 2 dem or wen has position bcom a problem

Most of u ladies are killers, well i think i know where that comes from. U just have no mercy for men at all. The manner of responsibilities heaped on the man by in-laws is killing especially if he's the husband to the first daughter. We just need to wipe this mentality that every groom is the solution to his in-laws monetary and family wahala and has no responsibilities to his own family. NA WA O!

stillme: Mehn! To me it is not easy but with wisdom,knowledge and understanding there's always a way out. It never occurred to me until now. Not quite long that I got married,I never knew it's one of criterias to assess before getting married. My wife is third in the family of seven and the second to marry. It is not easy coping with her siblings expenses and carelessness attitude.
I heard one of my friends saying he can't marry first child of the family due to some reasons best known to him.
My question is, should one consider the position of his or her partner before getting married?

pak:


Classic !!! Stillme 3 v 1 Kobojunkie (abeg stillme next time you want to throw that kind of knock out jab, send him a PM first. This kain yab can totally disorganize one's day, even the entire week sef)

stillme: Mehn! To me it is not easy but with wisdom,knowledge and understanding there's always a way out. It never occurred to me until now. Not quite long that I got married,I never knew it's one of criterias to assess before getting married. My wife is third in the family of seven and the second to marry. It is not easy coping with her siblings expenses and carelessness attitude.
I heard one of my friends saying he can't marry first child of the family due to some reasons best known to him.
My question is, should one consider the position of his or her partner before getting married?

Abali1:

OP, as an African, a Nigerian and a Igbo, your question makes absolute sense. We still practice extended family relations where I come from.
The saying "when you marry, you are married to the whole family" comes to mind in this situation. Infact when you get married you automatically become a son/daughter of the family you married into. The position of you spouse counts, unless you want alienate yourself from the family.

If you married a first daughter, it is only understandable that the younger ones will see you as a big brother who they can run to in times of need (though some abuse this situation). On the other hand if you marry a first son, know that your husband's siblings will only see you as a big aunty whom the expect to get gifts from time to time, cos they will think "it is our brothers money" (also some families abuse this).

Whether you like it or not, this things happen in marriage and if the couples don't sit down and discuss the issue of extended family, there is bound to be some misunderstanding in future and some times it has led to break up of marriages.

Abali1:

OP, as an African, a Nigerian and a Igbo, your question makes absolute sense. We still practice extended family relations where I come from.
The saying "when you marry, you are married to the whole family" comes to mind in this situation. Infact when you get married you automatically become a son/daughter of the family you married into. The position of you spouse counts, unless you want alienate yourself from the family.

If you married a first daughter, it is only understandable that the younger ones will see you as a big brother who they can run to in times of need (though some abuse this situation). On the other hand if you marry a first son, know that your husband's siblings will only see you as a big aunty whom the expect to get gifts from time to time, cos they will think "it is our brothers money" (also some families abuse this).

Whether you like it or not, this things happen in marriage and if the couples don't sit down and discuss the issue of extended family, there is bound to be some misunderstanding in future and some times it has led to break up of marriages.

Abali1:

OP, as an African, a Nigerian and a Igbo, your question makes absolute sense. We still practice extended family relations where I come from.
The saying "when you marry, you are married to the whole family" comes to mind in this situation. Infact when you get married you automatically become a son/daughter of the family you married into. The position of you spouse counts, unless you want alienate yourself from the family.

If you married a first daughter, it is only understandable that the younger ones will see you as a big brother who they can run to in times of need (though some abuse this situation). On the other hand if you marry a first son, know that your husband's siblings will only see you as a big aunty whom the expect to get gifts from time to time, cos they will think "it is our brothers money" (also some families abuse this).

Whether you like it or not, this things happen in marriage and if the couples don't sit down and discuss the issue of extended family, there is bound to be some misunderstanding in future and some times it has led to break up of marriages.

maclatunji:

I understand what you mean perfectly. There something called Role Set. This means I as an individual may have many roles- a son, husband, father, brother, boss, subordinate, teacher etc. The same thing applies to you and your spouse.

What your wife is experiencing is Role Strain. Performing the role of elder sister is putting a strain on her role as a wife thereby creating problems in her marriage.

If you the husband decide to put pressure on her over this matter, Role Conflict may occur. This means her role as elder sister has become antithetical to her role as your wife and she has to choose one.

I suggest that you don't allow this to happen. Support her and help relieve her burden not add to it.

You are right we singles should recognise these and other issues and figure out how to manage them before getting married.

omoseun: Finally, to all of you saying a partner's position in the family doesn't matter, you must be the biggest joker of the year. Your partner's position in the family matters alot because it will determine your financial strength.

Kobojunkie:

The problem with box-thinkers is that you try to subject everything you encounter to the limits obtained in that box of yours. You claim to be married to a man who happens to be the first born and pretend the reason why your husband bears the financial burden is simply because he is the first born. What then do you tell a woman who is married to the third son in the family who happens to bear the financial burden for his family? Do you tell her that she lies and that her husband is really the first born as a result? Is that how you will explain that away?

No one family is same with others. Some first-borns out there do not even bear the burden, whether female or male. There are numerous cases of even the 4th borns bearing all the burden because those before her refuse to take on the extra responsibilities as they see no reason to. While there are cases where each sibling is only responsible for self, and no one else. Essentially, there is no cut-and-paste logic obtainable for these things but clearly we have lots of inside-the-box thinkers, mostly males(I pity the women who end up with this ones) who feel there is way they can maneuver around the problems of life while skirting common sense.

Quads:

All you're trying to do is redeem yourself. The OP posted about considering female positions in families before marriage and you went on a tangent based on that. In Igbo land marrying an Ada comes with its responsibilities which must not necessarily be financial. So anyone not willing to take on extra roles asides his own immediate family needs to consider this before embarking on a journey of no return.

Kobojunkie:

The problem with box-thinkers is that you try to subject everything you encounter to the limits obtained in that box of yours. You claim to be married to a man who happens to be the first born and pretend the reason why your husband bears the financial burden is simply because he is the first born. What then do you tell a woman who is married to the third son in the family who happens to bear the financial burden for his family? Do you tell her that she lies and that her husband is really the first born as a result? Is that how you will explain that away?

No one family is same with others. Some first-borns out there do not even bear the burden, whether female or male. There are numerous cases of even the 4th borns bearing all the burden because those before her refuse to take on the extra responsibilities as they see no reason to. While there are cases where each sibling is only responsible for self, and no one else. Essentially, there is no cut-and-paste logic obtainable for these things but clearly we have lots of inside-the-box thinkers, mostly males(I pity the women who end up with this ones) who feel there is way they can maneuver around the problems of life while skirting common sense.

Fit2Rule: @poster. Y r u tryina run away 4rm responsibilities? Should i say u wanna find an excuse to be selfish? Tell me, suppose she were d last child in d family; wudnt u give her elder siblings some assistance if need be?

Kobojunkie:

The problem with box-thinkers is that you try to subject everything you encounter to the limits obtained in that box of yours. You claim to be married to a man who happens to be the first born and pretend the reason why your husband bears the financial burden is simply because he is the first born. What then do you tell a woman who is married to the third son in the family who happens to bear the financial burden for his family? Do you tell her that she lies and that her husband is really the first born as a result? Is that how you will explain that away?

No one family is same with others. Some first-borns out there do not even bear the burden, whether female or male. There are numerous cases of even the 4th borns (female or male) bearing all the burden because those before her refuse to take on the extra responsibilities as they see no reason to. While there are cases where each sibling is only responsible for self, and no one else. Essentially, there is no cut-and-paste logic obtainable for these things but clearly we have lots of inside-the-box thinkers, mostly males(I pity the women who end up with this ones) who feel there is way they can maneuver around the problems of life while skirting common sense.

Kobojunkie:

um . . . I am going to guess right off the bat that you have comprehension issues for you to offer the above in response to the words I typed, and in English too.

maclatunji:

I understand what you mean perfectly. There something called Role Set. This means I as an individual may have many roles- a son, husband, father, brother, boss, subordinate, teacher etc. The same thing applies to you and your spouse.

What your wife is experiencing is Role Strain. Performing the role of elder sister is putting a strain on her role as a wife thereby creating problems in her marriage.

If you the husband decide to put pressure on her over this matter, Role Conflict may occur. This means her role as elder sister has become antithetical to her role as your wife and she has to choose one.

I suggest that you don't allow this to happen. Support her and help relieve her burden not add to it.

You are right we singles should recognise these and other issues and figure out how to manage them before getting married.

omiobo:

GBAM!!!

Kobojunkie:

There is something that is typical with a lot of Nigerians, not just you. Rather than look for ways to release yourselves from those mentalities that have to date yielded not much in the way of progress, you look for others like you to feed you the same old BS so you can maintain the four-walls of that box that has caged you and those before you for generations.

You conveniently label it wisdom and understanding yet NOTHING in the bible suggest any of what you and your concocted in this makes sense. In fact pattern after pattern in the books shows that those who considered this sort of thinking wisdom ended up paying for it, dearly too. But, like I said, I know this is Nigerian way of reasoning and you are welcome to continue in that box of stu_pid ideas, and pretending they have to do with wisdom when even common sense continues to fly past you on a daily basis.

I am sorry you feel insulted but I have in no way insulted your person, only told you the truth about your thinking, your friend's and the fact that you are no different from the typical Nigerian out there, always looking for ways to AVOID applying common sense solutions, which consists is WISDOM itself, when trying to resolve even daily life's issues. Again, the Bible says Wisdom confounds the foolish . . . I see it daily in many Nigerians.