Ujujoan:

I understand that it is unhealthy, but people are who they are. It takes encouragement for people to come out of their shells to be able to be open about their feeling . . . Most people don’t get such encouragement.

I can’t talk back at my MIL because I wasn’t brought up to confront elders, especially people as old as my parents. But I can talk to my husband. I can tell him to handle his business and save me the trouble of reacting in the same unhealthy way the poster did!

cool... in her comment, I never read where she said she ever talked about it to her husband, did you?

Marriage is NOT only about the man and a woman no matter how clingy they choose to hang

Marriage involves everybody, from both sides that's why it's a marriage and not meant for everybody!

If you can't deal with sh itty people and people with bipolar diseases , and unpleasant attitude think twice instead of whining me and my husband!

It's a continuous education centre where you learn about strange things as they unfolds right before your eyes with your mouth open,

BUT with Endurance and Wisdom you will deal with this like its nothing and you will enjoy your marriage and people will still respect you and your space.

You don't have to be gra gra before you get your message across!

Someone said something about not confronting elders. Inasmuch as I respect that, I believe that Nigeria needs the culture of disrespect when it comes to elders.

There's always a healthy approach, not necessarily an aggressive one.

If the husband is being too much of a coward and inlaws are getting past their limit, both the inlaws and husbandie are in for a very very rude awakening.

Don't you just wonder why the USA is always kissing Isreal's a$$?

Exactly the same gray area about in laws altogether..... lets be real here and stop walking on eggshells!

jidegirl12: Marriage is NOT only about the man and a woman no matter how clingy they choose to hang

Marriage involves everybody, from both sides that's why it's a marriage and not meant for everybody!

If you can't deal with sh itty people and people with bipolar diseases , and unpleasant attitude think twice instead of whining me and my husband!

It's a continuous education centre where you learn about strange things as they unfolds right before your eyes with your mouth open,

BUT with Endurance and Wisdom you will deal with this like its nothing and you will enjoy your marriage and people will still respect you and your space.

You don't have to be gra gra before you get your message across!

Thank you.

plaetton:
Absolute trash.
First of all, we are African. Every culture is unique. The bible is not our book, nor does it represent our culture and who we are as a people. Ok.
I am not, and I'm sure most Africans are living in your bible fairyland. Your same bible says and dictates a lot of things that you would never consider doing today. ok.

Oh I see . . .. so now it is about TRADITION MARRIAGE huh? Interesting thing is like _bu_tt holes(Opinions too), everyone seems to make up their own traditions and cultures even within cultural groups so why are you here telling others about your traditional take on marriage when they have their own "traditional" take on marriage as well?

P.S. About what the Bible dictates, I consider them all . . . everything. Even though I am not one to claim to have God sowed to my chest pocket, I can tell you that when it comes to rules of that sought, I don't take it for jokes.

plaetton:
We are dealing with our peculiar realities here.So keep the bible off this issue.
I wish you have attempted to contradict or repudiate anything that I had written.

What peculiar realities are you refering to? Some reality that suggests that Nigerians are marriages between lower lives? I mean what are these peculiarities that even the law of the land(note not the Bible but the State) cannot be adequately and intelligently applied to the people of the land?

plaetton:
Again this is the problem with you women, you prefer fantasy over reality. You are more focused on how things should be in Utopialand , than addressing yourselves to and agjusting to fit your current realities.

Arrgh!! I see, so I must be a woman because I question the rationality of your argument so far? Interesting! So about your statement on women choosing to focus on how things should be in an ideal situation . . . . shouldn't that be the goal of every human out there? To focus on moving to the ideal situation rather than continuing to cater to the problem-prone, and destructive situation that has been the cycle for so long?
If you are raising a child, for instance, don't you focus on training that child to become an ideal citizen? Or do you decide that because your child has klaeptomaniac tendencies you should give up on training him to be a good child so you can instead focus your attention on managing the current situation? Is that it?

plaetton:
In most cultures, especially Africa,Marriage is about family, not just husband and wife. get that into your head.
Men will always be men. African mother inlaws will always play their roles, for good or for bad. The African family set up will remain and will always retain its most basic structures and expectations.

Even the State does not dispute that marriage is about Family. What they do put forth is an organization of the family in a marriage. Like it says, even by law, you can have all have family but SECOND to your immediately(not on the same level, or above, but second). So, I am not sure what you are trying to dispute or claim here since marriages around the world happen to be about family . . . this is no unique trait to African marriages. The level at which individual pieces of this family structure exists is where the difference comes in.

There are so many African Marriages out there that have made the adjustment to having the immediate family (wife and kids) at the top of the tree where they ought to belong, and are doing great by the way. So this claim that it has something to do with the African DNA or tradition does not seem to work for all Africans.

coogar:

what made you angry?
the fact that your mother in-law has overstayed her welcome or because another woman cooked for your hubby? women and their wahala. would your husband lash out if your mum cooks for you? what's the big deal in your mother in law cooking for your husband - if she didn't raise him, would you have found him to marry?

you ought to be taken to the market square and flogged repeatedly.....

You have said the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. Alot of our young girls these days come into marriage with soo much gabage in them that they create unnecessary problems for themselves. The bible says a wise woman builds her home, while a foolish woman destroys her home with her own hands. Poster, sorry to say, but you are a foolish woman.

If it was you mum that came to stay, would you be this mad? The Bible says a man shall leave his father and mother and cling to his wife. But I do not mean it literally means you should stop having a relationship with them. The same Bible says Honour your father and your mother. His mother cannot replace you, it cannot happen, she is the mother and you are the wife; those two roles cannot be interchangeable.

If she complains about you, tell your husband to talk to her, it is not in your place to confront her. What if you husband treated your own mother or father like that, I am sure you will be excited.

^^^^
The bible,in proverbs , afterall, talks about the virtuous woman, the woman is a joy to her husband. What are the qualities of e virtuous woman?
A virtuous woman does everyting to keep her family in peace and in one piece. She is respectful, she is patient, humble and wise in dealing, especially in dealing everyday adversities.

The true test of character is seeing how one behaves in the face of conflict and adversity.

If you are not ready to condescend to accommodate the excesses of your inlaws, especially your mother inlaw, then you are not matured enough to enter marriage.

@kobojunkie

The bible,in proverbs , afterall, talks about the virtuous woman, the woman is a joy to her husband. What are the qualities of e virtuous woman?
A virtuous woman does everyting to keep her family in peace and in one piece. She is respectful, she is patient, humble and wise in dealing, especially in dealing everyday adversities.

The true test of character is seeing how behaves in the face of conflict and adversity.

If you are not ready to condescend to accommodate the excesses of your inlaws, especially your mother inlaw, then you are not matured enough to enter marriage.

jidegirl12: Don't you just wonder why the USA is always kissing Isreal's a$$?

Exactly the same gray area about in laws altogether..... lets be real here and stop walking on eggshells!

Was this directed at me?

plaetton: ^^^^
The bible,in proverbs , afterall, talks about the virtuous woman, the woman is a joy to her husband. What are the qualities of e virtuous woman?
A virtuous woman does everyting to keep her family in peace and in one piece. She is respectful, she is patient, humble and wise in dealing, especially in dealing everyday adversities.

The true test of character is seeing how behaves in the face of conflict and adversity.

If you are not ready to condescend to accommodate the excesses of your inlaws, especially your mother inlaw, then you are not matured enough to enter marriage.

I couldn't have said it better myself.

I presumed her friends must have advised her to do that and if you check them carefully they are licking their own MIL's a$$! Nigerians!

Ileke-IdI:


Was this directed at me?

Yep ...,,

jidegirl12:

Yep ...,,

And I bet you'e going to explain what Israel and USA has to do with my opinion right?

jidegirl12: Don't you just wonder why the USA is always kissing Isreal's a$$?

Exactly the same gray area about in laws altogether..... lets be real here and stop walking on eggshells!

My law is idiocentric.

Kobojunkie:
Oh I see . . .. so now it is about TRADITION MARRIAGE huh? Interesting thing is like _bu_tt holes(Opinions too), everyone seems to make up their own traditions and cultures even within cultural groups so why are you here telling others about your traditional take on marriage when they have their own "traditional" take on marriage as well?

P.S. About what the Bible dictates, I consider them all . . . everything. Even though I am not one to claim to have God sowed to my chest pocket, I can tell you that when it comes to rules of that sought, I don't take it for jokes.

What peculiar realities are you refering to? Some reality that suggests that Nigerians are marriages between lower lives? I mean what are these peculiarities that even the law of the land(note not the Bible but the State) cannot be adequately and intelligently applied to the people of the land?

Arrgh!! I see, so I must be a woman because I question the rationality of your argument so far? Interesting! So about your statement on women choosing to focus on how things should be in an ideal situation . . . . shouldn't that be the goal of every human out there? To focus on moving to the ideal situation rather than continuing to cater to the problem-prone, and destructive situation that has been the cycle for so long?
If you are raising a child, for instance, don't you focus on training that child to become an ideal citizen? Or do you decide that because your child has klaeptomaniac tendencies you should give up on training him to be a good child so you can instead focus your attention on managing the current situation? Is that it?

Even the State does not dispute that marriage is about Family. What they do put forth is an organization of the family in a marriage. Like it says, even by law, you can have all have family but SECOND to your immediately(not on the same level, or above, but second). So, I am not sure what you are trying to dispute or claim here since marriages around the world happen to be about family . . . this is no unique trait to African marriages. The level at which individual pieces of this family structure exists is where the difference comes in.

There are so many African Marriages out there that have made the adjustment to having the immediate family (wife and kids) at the top of the tree where they ought to belong, and are doing great by the way. So this claim that it has something to do with the African DNA or tradition does not seem to work for all Africans.

Another Bullcrap.
And since some of those Africans decided that the oyinbo family set up (with your so-called personal space) was best, what has happened to the African family? What is the divorce rate among Africans in USA, Canada and the UK?

The African family unit is the bulkhead of our cultures, traditions and our identity.

plaetton: ^^^^
The bible,in proverbs , afterall, talks about the virtuous woman, the woman is a joy to her husband. What are the qualities of e virtuous woman?
A virtuous woman does everyting to keep her family in peace and in one piece. She is respectful, she is patient, humble and wise in dealing, especially in dealing everyday adversities.

The true test of character is seeing how behaves in the face of conflict and adversity.

If you are not ready to condescend to accommodate the excesses of your inlaws, especially your mother inlaw, then you are not matured enough to enter marriage.

I really do not understand these young ladies o. My own cousin whose parents (my uncle and his wife) sold their only landed property to send him abroad for a masters got married to one of such girls. After sending their only son abroad and then managing in a flat in Surulere, the guy gets a great job, gets married to a 9ja girl abroad. The girl now insists his parents cannot come and stay with them for more than two weeks, can you imagine. All the money the guy now has which the foolish wife is now enjoying was made by the selfless acts of his parents.

All of you will become mother-in-law in the future o and my prayer is that you will be treated exactly the same way you treat your mother in law. I am not suggesting MILs do not have problems, I know our African Tradition can become a burden, but please IF YOU INDEED LOVE YOUR HUSBAND YOU WOULD NOT DO WHAT YOU JUST DID POSTER. Completely unacceptable.

Ileke-IdI:


And I bet you'e going to explain what Israel and USA has to do with my opinion right?

Go figure, don't worry it'll click maybe not now but later

Sapele I think I'm throwing in my towel o! I don't want a son again

Ileke-IdI:


My law is idiocentric.

Whatever that rocks your boat ileke .... shaky shaky

jidegirl12:

Go figure, don't worry it'll click maybe not now but later

I doubt you initially had any point to make.

If you must throw insults, please be straight with it.

Is USA and Israel the only nation with the culture of disrespect?

Ileke-IdI:


I doubt you initially had any point to make.

If you must throw insults, please be straight with it.

Is USA and Israel the only nation with the culture of disrespect?

You're just pushing me.... I haven't insulted you but if you feel that way, sorry then.... I was just trying to use the USA / Isreal's to make a point but you didn't get it so leave it alone.

jidegirl12:

You're just pushing me.... I haven't insulted you but if you feel that way, sorry then.... I was just trying to use the USA / Isreal's to make a point but you didn't get it so leave it alone.

My apologies, sweet suga.

plaetton:

Another Bullcrap.
And since some of those Africans decided that the oyinbo family set up (with your so-called personal space) was best, what has happened to the African family? What is the divorce rate among Africans in USA, Canada and the UK?

The African family unit is the bulkhead of our cultures, traditions and our identity.

um . . . correction - The vast majority of the African family is run in the African way . . .so if you are looking for what has happened to the African family, look to the structure and how it has been wreaking havoc to the African family and society for centuries, and continues to hamper progress to the African nation as a whole. . this problem is not new at all. The problem with the African marriage has nothing to do with Oyinbo but more to do with the fact that the outdated ideas are cracking in the face of development, even more so now than before, and the situation can not longer be shoved under the rug as used to be the case back in the old days.

First the African model has been problem-laden for a long time(many centuries if you brush up on your history). The house was mostly built on the idea that children were items and women were property. It didn't hold well then however because society was able to allow the discarding of problem units discretely, it was allowed to live for a long while, even with the inhumane way it handled problems with wives and children.
We now live in a world where Children and Women are considered equal humans, and of course problems can no longer be swept under the rug. It is no longer ok to simply ABANDON children, and wives when you are not happy with them. Definitely, this point, people need to finally decide if they want to change with the times or roll back civilization to maintain the old inhumane ways that our forefathers, and many fathers even today, continue to employ when solving issues in marriage.

Ileke-IdI:


My apologies, sweet suga.

So that little exchange we just had, do you think I just kissed your a$$? Or used style to win you over? Please be sincere.

jidegirl12:


So that little exchange we just had, do you think I just kissed your a$$? Or used style to win you over? Please be sincere.

I believe you used passive-aggression. Let's use big words please.

@jidegirl please ohh don't reconsider the option of not wanting a boy.

Everyday we learn and as a father of of four beautiful daughters,the oldest being Ten, this thread has just opened my eyes to what a daughter if not well guided by parents will turn out to be.

Its more bothersome since my kids were born and still live in a western world,and with the words of wisdom supposedly coming out from some Westernized Nigerian females here,will need to have a talk with my wife on how to start inculcating those core African cultures and values on my kids before they become fully Americanized.

You can tell a lot about how a person was brought up with the utterances from their mouth and from the uncouth,thuggish and unladylike ways most females here have been replying to this narrative, will tell you the kind of family they come from or how they were raised.

Took time out to look at the the profile of one of the supporters of THE POSTER DID the right thing who was claiming to be married and also a mother.

In 2009 she was single as her posts were those looking for a man to date. So she is still new in the union called marriage(if she is really married) and my advice for her is to continue having this mindset and soon she will find herself without a husband.

Some women can be a blessing not just to husbands but his family too and some can be a curse.

Praying to God to guide my daughters to have the patience,love and tolerance to deal with their future inlaws.

@jidegirl I am still continueing with my plans for the boys lol,and as soon as I come back from this job assignment in the Middle East,we getting it done.

So have you started yours?or is the THING I don't want mention still frozen?

Tiana155: Hello there, my mother-lnlaw came to our house three months ago, the initial plan was for her to stay some few weeks and return back, but she refused to go back saying they want to kill her in d village among other stories, my hubby said she should stay for awhile. Her son(my hubby) seems to be very important to her than our child, she always talks about how i dont feed him well, i dont cook well, how i dont manage money, etc. Just this evening i got back from work to find out that she washed his cloths, prepared his meal, my hubby sat down enjoying the meal and they were talking, i greeted my hubby and then my mil she gave me a look that made me explode, i threw the food my hubby was eating and shouted at her and told her she would leave my house, but my hubby said she would not leave. He obviously enjoyed all the care from his mama. Right now i am very angry i dont know what to do. Please advice me on what to do. I know i made a mistake throwing the food away and shouting at her. I am not a bad wife i try to take care of my family and i also have a stressful job. Thank u.

Any woman who is married with a living MIL has been where you are or close to it
If they say otherwise,their MIL has never visited them then.
We all make mistakes,refusing to learn from our mistakes is where the problem lies
Allow me to speak to you as a married woman with an MIL,who has been where you are at some point.
I totally understand your frustration,I have been there

First of all any married woman that thinks she can have peace in her husbands house while hating or badmouthing her MIL is in for a rude shock.It will never happen
Next to God,a man's other most revered being is his mother,you cannot change it,that is just the way It is
To an MIL no woman can ever be good enough for her son no matter how you try
It is also perfectly normal for a DIL to clash with her MIL at the first extended meeting ,there cannot be two captains in a ship
With this mindset a wife should prepare herself and act wisely
You cannot claim to love your husband and disrespect a woman who means the world to him
She could be a witch but to her son,she is all in all,you had better respect her ,you don't have to like her but you should respect her
Hopefully she won't be there permanently
Seeing how miserable her visit has made you,I hope your husband does the right thing which is to give you a break and let his mom go somewhere else for the time being.

Now,what is done is done
Your MIL has seen that you are assertive and can hold your own,she will begin to curb her limits but first of all go to her and apologize for any rudeness towards her,she may not accept your apology,she may rain abuses on you but go prepared for anything and leave it there .
You have to " kill her with love"
It is not easy but it can be done
You have to somehow convince your husband to send her home or have her to visit another of her children while you regroup
Men respond Better when you are not confrontational
Some MILs are tough,I am not saying this will be easy but confronting her will only make your husband insist she stays
Your are more likely to convince him to let her go when there is no conflict
Overlook her facial expressions
Some will even sing to you sef,ignore it
Just like when you ignore some silly posters here ,they eventually crawl away,get things to occupy you
Women's group
Old girls association
Alumni group
Do stuff with the kids
She will eventually calm down or want to leave when you stop paying her evil for evil
It works.
After this visit and you apply wisdom,I guarantee you the next time she comes things will be different
Anyone advising you to show your MIL pepper is a fo.ol and wants your marriage to break up,it will never work

Sapele_Don: @jidegirl please ohh don't reconsider the option of not wanting a boy.

Everyday we learn and as a father of of four beautiful daughters,the oldest being Ten, this thread has just opened my eyes to what a daughter if not well guided by parents will turn out to be.

Its more bothersome since my kids were born and still live in a western world,and with the words of wisdom supposedly coming out from some Westernized Nigerian females here,will need to have a talk with my wife on how to start inculcating those core African cultures and values on my kids before they become fully Americanized.

You can tell a lot about how a person was brought up with the utterances from their mouth and from the uncouth,thuggish and unladylike ways most females here have been replying to this narrative, will tell you the kind of family they come from or how they were raised.

Took time out to look at the the profile of one of the supporters of THE POSTER DID the right thing who was claiming to be married and also a mother.

In 2009 she was single as her posts were those looking for a man to date. So she is still new in the union called marriage(if she is really married) and my advice for her is to continue having this mindset and soon she will find herself without a husband.

Some women can be a blessing not just to husbands but his family too and some can be a curse.

Praying to God to guide my daughters to have the patience,love and tolerance to deal with their future inlaws.

@jidegirl I am still continueing with my plans for the boys lol,and as soon as I come back from this job assignment in the Middle East,we getting it done.

So have you started yours?or is the THING I don't want mention still frozen?

Thank you sir...may God bless your marriage even more.

One other addition,your MIL is of a different generation and that is part of the problem
You cannot use modernity to address a woman from traditional African values where a wife is expected to be seen and not heard
So you have to use understanding when dealing with her
She s coming from a different era and had a different upbringing from what you had and all this made her who she is and makes her outlook what it is
The bottom line is that your husband loves her because she is his mother no matter what her faults may be.He expects you to love and respect her too,even if you don't like her,you can still respect her as an older woman.

babyosisi:

Any woman who is married with a living MIL has been where you are or close to it
If they say otherwise,their MIL has never visited them then.
We all make mistakes,refusing to learn from our mistakes is where the problem lies
Allow me to speak to you as a married woman with an MIL,who has been where you are at some point.
I totally understand your frustration,I have been there

First of all any married woman that thinks she can have peace in her husbands house while hating or badmouthing her MIL is in for a rude shock.It will never happen
Next to God,a man's other most revered being is his mother,you cannot change it,that is just the way It is
To an MIL no woman can ever be good enough for her son no matter how you try
It is also perfectly normal for a DIL to clash with her MIL at the first extended meeting ,there cannot be two captains in a ship
With this mindset a wife should prepare herself and act wisely
You cannot claim to love your husband and disrespect a woman who means the world to him
She could be a witch but to her son,she is all in all,you had better respect her ,you don't have to like her but you should respect her
Hopefully she won't be there permanently
Seeing how miserable her visit has made you,I hope your husband does the right thing which is to give you a break and let his mom go somewhere else for the time being.

Now,what is done is done
Your MIL has seen that you are assertive and can hold your own,she will begin to curb her limits but first of all go to her and apologize for any rudeness towards her,she may not accept your apology,she may rain abuses on you but go prepared for anything and leave it there .
You have to " kill her with love"
It is not easy but it can be done
You have to somehow convince your husband to send her home or have her to visit another of her children while you regroup
Men respond Better when you are not confrontational
Some MILs are tough,I am not saying this will be easy but confronting her will only make your husband insist she stays
Your are more likely to convince him to let her go when there is no conflict
Overlook her facial expressions
Some will even sing to you sef,ignore it
Just like when you ignore some silly posters here ,they eventually crawl away,get things to occupy you
Women's group
Old girls association
Alumni group
Do stuff with the kids
She will eventually calm down or want to leave when you stop paying her evil for evil
It works.
After this visit and you apply wisdom,I guarantee you the next time she comes things will be different
Anyone advising you to show your MIL pepper is a fo.ol and wants your marriage to break up,it will never work

Beautiful beautiful beautiful.
Wise words from a wise woman.

@ sapele I hear you my brother o!

And yes it's still very frozen but I need a game plan, waiting for MIL to come over and trick her to agree to stay for 2 year at least cos this woman no fit leave work o! Everything will just fall apart without me , it's been very hectic lately.

jidegirl12:

Is it not last week on a thread about the MIL problem and a weak son and a mumu DIL

errrrm Jidegirl calling people names wnt make your miserable life better. i know you feel it will but really really it wnt, so face your life darling, stand up to dt your wife beater or d man that molested your small sef,coz seriously im wondering why someone would be so bitter and angry towards life.
So slowpoke darlyn i knw whats wrong with you so im nt going to take offence luv just get some help for your sorry state.
Anyways i know you might come back to rant(as expected from a low life like you ) im not goin to boost your low self esteem with a response.
So takia Luv!!!