You want to get married. It’s taken a while to admit it. Saying it out loud — even in your mind — feels kind of desperate, kind of unfeminist, kind of definitely not you, or at least not any you that you recognize. Because you’re hardly like those girls on TLC saying yes to the dress and you would never compete for a man like those poor actress-wannabes on The Bachelor.

You’ve never dreamt of an aqua-blue ring box.

Then, something happened. Another birthday, maybe. A breakup. Your brother’s wedding. His wife-elect asked you to be a bridesmaid, and suddenly there you were, wondering how in hell you came to be 36-years-old, walking down the aisle wearing something halfway decent from J. Crew that you could totally repurpose with a cute pair of boots and a jean jacket. You started to hate the bride — she was so effing happy – and for the first time ever you began to have feelings about the fact that you’re not married. You never really cared that much before. But suddenly (it was so sudden) you found yourself wondering… Deep, deep breath… Why you’re not married.

Well, I know why.

How? It basically comes down to this: I’ve been married three times. Yes, three. To a very nice MBA at 19; a very nice minister’s son at 32 (and pregnant); and at 40, to a very nice liar and cheater who was just like my dad, if my dad had gone to Harvard instead of doing multiple stints in federal prison.

I was, for some reason, born knowing how to get married. Growing up in foster care is a big part of it. The need for security made me look for very specific traits in the men I dated — traits it turns out lead to marriage a surprisingly high percentage of the time. Without really trying to, I’ve become a sort of jailhouse lawyer of relationships — someone who’s had to do so much work on her own case that I can now help you with yours.

But I won’t lie. The problem is not men, it’s you. Sure, there are lame men out there, but they’re not really standing in your way. Because the fact is — if whatever you’re doing right now was going to get you married, you’d already have a ring on. So without further ado, let’s look at the top six reasons why you’re not married.

1. You’re a bitch.
Here’s what I mean by bitch. I mean you’re angry. You probably don’t think you’re angry. You think you’re super smart, or if you’ve been to a lot of therapy, that you’re setting boundaries. But the truth is you’re proud. At your mom. At the military-industrial complex. At Sarah Palin. And it’s scaring men off.

The deal is: most men just want to marry someone who is nice to them. I am the mother of a 13-year-old boy, which is like living with the single-cell protozoa version of a husband. Here’s what my son wants out of life: macaroni and cheese, a video game, and Kim Kardashian. Have you ever seen Kim Kardashian angry? I didn’t think so. You’ve seen Kim Kardashian smile, wiggle, and make a sex tape. Female anger terrifies men. I know it seems unfair that you have to work around a man’s fear and insecurity in order to get married — but actually, it’s perfect, since working around a man’s fear and insecurity is big part of what you’ll be doing as a wife.

2. You’re Shallow.
When it comes to choosing a husband, only one thing really, truly matters: character. So it stands to reason that a man’s character should be at the top of the list of things you are looking for, right? But if you’re not married, I already know it isn’t. Because if you were looking for a man of character,you would have found one by now. Men of character are, by definition, willing to commit.

Instead, you are looking for someone tall. Or rich. Or someone who knows what an Eames chair is. Unfortunately, this is not the thinking of a wife. This is the thinking of a teenaged girl. And men of character do not want to marry teenaged girls. Because teenage girls are never happy. And they never feel like cooking, either.

3. You’re a slut.
Hooking up with some guy in a hot tub on a rooftop is fine for the ladies of Jersey Shore – but they’re not trying to get married. You are. Which means, unfortunately, that if you’re having sex outside committed relationships, you will have to stop. Why? Because past a certain age, casual sex is like recreational heroin — it doesn’t stay recreational for long.

That’s due in part to this thing called oxytocin — a bonding hormone that is released when a woman a) nurses her baby and b) has an orgasm — that will totally mess up your casual-sex game. It’s why you can be Bleep-buddying with some dude who isn’t even all that great and the next thing you know, you’re totally strung out on him. And you have no idea how it happened. Oxytocin, that’s how it happened. And since nature can’t discriminate between marriage material and Charlie Sheen, you’re going to have to start being way more selective than you are right now.

4. You’re a Liar.
It usually goes something like this: you meet a guy who is cute and likes you, but he’s not really available for a relationship. He has some condition that absolutely precludes his availability, like he’s married, or he gets around town on a skateboard. Or maybe he just comes right out and says something cryptic and open to interpretation like, “I’m not really available for a relationship right now.”

You know if you tell him the truth — that you’re ready for marriage — he will stop calling. Usually that day. And you don’t want that. So you just tell him how perfect this is because you only want to have sex for fun! You love having fun sex! And you don’t want to get in a relationship at all! You swear!

About ten minutes later, the oxytocin kicks in. You start wanting more. But you don’t tell him that. That’s your secret — just between you and 22,000 of your closest girlfriends. Instead, you hang around, having sex with him, waiting for him to figure out that he can’t live without you. I have news: he will never “figure” this out. He already knows he can live without you just fine. And so do you. Or you wouldn’t be lying to him in the first place.

5. You’re Selfish.
If you’re not married, chances are you think a lot about you. You think about your thighs, your outfits, your naso-labial folds. You think about your career, or if you don’t have one, you think about doing yoga teacher training. Sometimes you think about how marrying a wealthy guy — or at least a guy with a really, really good job — would solve all your problems.

Howevs, a good wife, even a halfway decent one, does not spend most of her day thinking about herself. She has too much shit to do, especially after having kids. This is why you see a lot of celebrity women getting husbands after they adopt. The kids put the woman on notice: bitch, hello! It’s not all about you anymore! After a year or two of thinking about someone other than herself, suddenly, Brad Pitt or Harrison Ford comes along and decides to significantly other her. Which is also to say — if what you really want is a baby, go get you one. Your husband will be along shortly. Motherhood has a way of weeding out the lotharios.

6. You’re Not Good Enough.
Oh, I don’t think that. You do. I can tell because you’re not looking for a partner who is your equal. No, you want someone better than you are: better looking, better family, better job.

Here is what you need to know: You are enough right this minute. Period. Not understanding this is a major obstacle to getting married, since women who don’t know their own worth make terrible wives. Why? You can fake it for a while, but ultimately you won’t love your spouse any better than you love yourself. Smart men know this.

I see this at my son’s artsy, progressive school. Of 183 kids, maybe six have moms who are as cute as you’re trying to be. They’re attractive, sure. They’re just not objects. Their husbands (wisely) chose them for their character, not their cup size.

Alright, so that’s the bad news. The good news is that I believe every woman who wants to can find a great partner. You’re just going to need to get rid of the idea that marriage will make you happy. It won’t. Once the initial high wears off, you’ll just be you, except with twice as much laundry.

Because ultimately, marriage is not about getting something — it’s about giving it. Strangely, men understand this more than we do. Probably because for them marriage involves sacrificing their most treasured possession — a free-agent  — and for us, it’s the culmination of a princess fantasy so universal, it built Disneyland.

The bottom line is that marriage is just a long-term opportunity to practice loving someone even when they don’t deserve it. Because most of the time, your messy, farting, macaroni-and-cheese eating man will not be doing what you want him to. But as you give him love anyway — because you have made up your mind to transform yourself into a person who is practicing being kind, deep, virtuous, truthful, giving, and most of all, accepting of your own dear self — you will find that you will experience the very thing you wanted all along:

Love.

Phewwww

I have to join the bandwagon.

Op can you summarise your post in a few lines to get the ladies to comment.

190-the-clown:
as them nor gree man marry nkor

make them kill themselves pathetic thread

u again? Lolllzzzzz

@0p, this write.up long pass CONVEnt form sef..i go reason am sha

strictly for woman but u are a man and we should not allow u to be the only man among the women lest u become endangered.its really amusing but why will a woman be faulted for looking up to amn better than her for a hubby .this has been the case and will always be.why should she marry her equa.how can a man equally as weak,as feminine led a family to a desired haven.then to think all women wants to marry is really wrong rather most simply want kids or a family of theirs not necessariy a husband.u might as well read this and delete it is ok wit me.i do wish d women will come out and tell us why they are not married but the answer is still the same,too many men are not ready to bear the burdens.and the few ready men are so fewwwwwwwww so woman ,u really got to be smart,real smart cus u have done enough praying.

I wish i could have kids without getting married..i.e if my dad does not disown me first.

@muystoy Brilliant post! Lol! Where did this article come from?

meh.

Women fitting those negative criteria are married as well.

And real feminists see no problem with marriage.

Also, are you a male or female? The article indicates female but your profile says male.

^^

@star* thanks,some complained Da† d article is too long,well,d recent survey Da† confirmed Da† there has been a decline in d reading culture amongst Nigerian youths says it all,for those asking why shud a man write an article abt women,​im yet to see a law Da† makes it a crime for a man to do such and vice versa,at least some ladies here commended d post,I think wat is important is d message not the messenger,thanks y'all

k2039: I have to join the bandwagon.

Op can you summarise your post in a few lines to get the ladies to comment.

Go and develop and cultivate a reading habit. Who write waec for u?

Forever does scare the hell outta me.

vivian chinaza: Forever does scare the hell outta me.

yeah, me too

Lynix:
yeah, me too

So for how long are we gonna be scared?

You know I really wanna get married. I fantasies about it a lot. I wanna fall in love and have kids and all. You won't believe me that I already planned my wedding. I have a clear vision of how I want my day to be, how I want my home to be, the kind of wife and mother I wanna be and all that. But the funniest thing is, whenever I'm this close to getting married I'd suddenly develop this huge phobia and run away. It feels I'm giving up a lot of things; my dreams, my identity, my independence, etc.

What am I gonna do? I have got to figure this out, soon.

Does this even make sense?

vivian chinaza:
whenever I'm this close to getting married I'd suddenly develop this huge phobia and run away. It feels I'm giving up a lot of things; my dreams, my identity, my independence, etc.

What am I gonna do? I have got to figure this out, soon.

Does this even make sense?

Girl, I feel you. You just have to remember that marriage is just a shared existence between you and your love. Dreams, identity might change a bit but change is the only constant in life.

KateSpade:

Girl, I feel you. You just have to remember that marriage is just a shared existence between you and your love. Dreams, identity might change a bit but change is the only constant in life.

I guess you are right.

I love that I will work on them so I can marry fast. Lol

*skips to the end*... "You will find that you will experience the very thing you've wanted all along".
Aww thanks

vivian chinaza:

So for how long are we gonna be scared?

You know I really wanna get married. I fantasies about it a lot. I wanna fall in love and have kids and all. You won't believe me that I already planned my wedding. I have a clear vision of how I want my day to be, how I want my home to be, the kind of wife and mother I wanna be and all that. But the funniest thing is, whenever I'm this close to getting married I'd suddenly develop this huge phobia and run away. It feels I'm giving up a lot of things; my dreams, my identity, my independence, etc.

What am I gonna do? I have got to figure this out, soon.

Does this even make sense?

NO! It doesn't. Ɣ☺ΰ really need to work on your psyche and search yourself properly. I don't wanna say say Ɣ☺ΰ're confused or don't know what Ɣ☺ΰ want just yet. How could Ɣ☺ΰ 'run away' when its almost done, I wonder what it is Ɣ☺ΰ are scared of. For someone looking forward to marriage this is actually contradictory. I really do pray Ɣ☺ΰ figure it out soon co truly it doesn't make sence.
Good luck!

shizzle11:

NO! It doesn't. Ɣ☺ΰ really need to work on your psyche and search yourself properly. I don't wanna say say Ɣ☺ΰ're confused or don't know what Ɣ☺ΰ want just yet. How could Ɣ☺ΰ 'run away' when its almost done, I wonder what it is Ɣ☺ΰ are scared of. For someone looking forward to marriage this is actually contradictory. I really do pray Ɣ☺ΰ figure it out soon co truly it doesn't make sence.
Good luck!

Yea, you are right, I got to figure this out soon. Tho being confused is far from it, I'm just scared. My best friend thinks I'm possessed, lol ok, scratch that.

I'm faced with such situation again and I'm beginning to run away,,,, well, a lot of peeps are talking to me, counselling me, I just pray their efforts will be fruitful this time.

sexkillz: Tha hell!

guy pls help me out with this rigmarole. I cant find my glasses

GIRL YOU NEED TO GET MARRIED AND MAKE ONE LUCKY SONOFABITCH HAPPY.UR TOO GOOD TO JUST NOT MAKE SOME DUDE WONDER WHY HE SO BLESSED.I'D CHIKE YOU IF I CUD AFFORD IT