mainlyblessed: I am one of the 5 million Nigerians living with HIV. I posted the message on another thread but thought I should send it out more widely maybe someone could learn from my experience and have an HIV/STD free life. I am at a happy place in my life and going to beat this illness!

Interestingly many people are ignorant about the range of feelings one may go through on being diagnosed so I have decided to share my own experience. I got infected about eleven years back. I can precisely say it was on or around 15 February 2002 as that the date of my first intimate experience. Unfortunately, 2 years and a few months later he passed away. He was ill for a few months before passing on but HIV did not initially cross my mind as he was being treated for typhoid. However, as his condition deteriorated, I thought about this but was too scared to voice it or to go for a test. After his death, his mother confided in me and with her support, I was finally able to go for a test. Was I scared and confused? Thoroughly! The test came back positive and I went through counselling and later started treatment. The funny thing was that I never felt angry with him for infecting me and can to that extent say the question of forgiving him did not arise. I guess this was because I loved him and at the time I gave in to him, I was ready to make love with him and was looking forward to spending the rest of my life with him. The main issue was I could not bring myself to forgive ME. I felt I had let myself and all that I represented down. I gave my life to Christ at an early age and had kept myself throughout university and NYSC, so why did I have to be so careless at that mature age. I also hated myself because I was very aware of the risks of unprotected sex but had failed to exercise caution when it came to me and him. A quick trip to the hospital to screen him for stds could have prevented my life from taking the downward spiral it went into. Also I could have insisted on him using condom. We did try initially but with trying to disvirgin me, it kept slipping and bursting so we just let go. I guess I got careless with all the hormones raging through my system and the fact that we were spending an exciting valentine weekend together. I also failed to ask him much about his previous intimate history/ies as we were both "christians" and were planning to spend our lie together. How foolish! It hasn't been easy living with myself but I am gradually learning not to beat myself too much. My advice to anyone who cares to listen is before you take off your pants/boxers, both you and your partner should be screened. I would actually recommend abstinence till marriage because I believe at least in my case if I had kept my pants on, then possibly, during pre-marital intimate health screening, we could have picked this up and then I would have had a choice of dealing with the question whether or not I would have gone ahead and married him (assuming he was still alive at this point and we were still an item). Be faithful to each other, because if this could happen to me, then it can happen to anyone. Have an HIV and STD free life. It could happen to anyone. I pray it is not you. In my case I have learnt to cope with the disease, it is the stigma that has been debilitating. I have been so scarred that I have too scared of embarking on a relationship as I don't know what/how to tell interested suitors. I fear rejection as this has happened twice and I do not want to have my personal information out there only for the guy to develop cold feet. Aside from this, life has been good.