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Church Fiend - Literature - Nairaland

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Church Fiend by Redmosquito(m): 5:36pm On Dec 27, 2012
I know most guys dont read African Nerd! But I wanted many people to read this. So I decided to post it as a new topic.
*******************************
YAAWWNNN!!!

I reflexively let out a lungful of green pungent air. I watch as a housefly is caught in the stream of toxic gas, its death is swift and painless, like those of the Nazi gas chambers.
I rub my eye to see my mother standing before the bed, her hands akimbo. A big hat tilts stylishly on her head, a long pink skirt and a pink and purple striped top.
I don’t know whether her dressing is fine or not, I have never had a fashion sense.
But I know she'll ask for my opinion.
" Haa! See how you killed that fly! Is your mouth that bad?!", she asks

Heh! I never knew she noticed my oral murder ooo! I just look away from her, scratching my chin and hair alternately with one hand.

" Ayomide! Why do we still pay for fumigation.....", she pauses, " when we have someone like u at home? You should just around the house, close the windows and talk for one hour", she jokes

"See! I am in no mood for your talks, woman. Just let me be!", this is what I wanted to say to her, but when I saw the tambourine hanging dangerously from her right hand with its sharp shiny discs, I ermmmm....... reconsidered!

She waits a while, looking at me with pity and shaking her head.
" Me and your siblings are going to church. So better meet us there early by nine on the dot!", she says before leaving my room.

I stand from the granite-hard bed and frown, I scratch my crotch in a bid to calm the soldier in my pants, the one that is already standing at attention and ready for battle.

My mother is a deaconess or whatever they call them. My sister is in the choir, haaa! The choir, I will tell you about them later. My brother is like an usher, not appointed, just freelance. Me! I am in the ermmm.... ermmmm...... congregation.

That is why they all have to be in church early, they are all workers in the cassavayard! Wait! Or was it vineyard?!
Peem! Peem!! Peem!!!
I race to open the gate as I hear the angry horning of the car.

As I watch them drive away and as I close the gate, I soliloquize
" So today is Sunday!"
What a beautiful day it is. I pull the cold air into my lungs, I feel it rub against my trachea. It feels good and it brings memories, a touching one in particular.
It all flows back as if it were an hour ago! Yes! My memory is that good!

That Sunday morning, me, Quadri and James had decided to attend this mountain of fire church. Quadri, the bad sinner, the one that has never smelt a church before. He was the one that convinced us to follow him, he needed our support. For he was going to handle a difficult problem, he was going to toast a stark christain babe, the ones they call SU.

So sha, on getting to the church, we meet the girl. She was a beauty to behold with her striking features, heavy headlights, steady rear wing and a beautiful face, but all these assets were hidden, although unsuccessfully, by her big oversized blouse and long flowing skirt. The only make up she had on her face was petroleum jelly. Shikena!
She was very friendly, she offered us some seats but we declined the offer, we no wan spoil Quadri parole, she even looked through my phone.
So we sat at the back, me and James, and left the babe and Quadri to sit together, two row in front.
The preacher was a white man, a guest preacher from UK.
He kept talking on and on about save sex.
Haba! Our blood are not that hot na!

"Okay! I want you guys to tell me about any STDs and STIs you must have encountered!", he says in his foreign accent, it is as if he is speaking through his nose.

Many students come out to mention all sorts, HIV, Gonorrhoea, Syphilis, someone even mentioned tuberculosis.
And then we see Quadri walk up to the altar with swag, his face was all over the screens in the big student hall.

The white man passes him the mic. He begins

" Well! There was this my aunty, she was married and cheating on her husband. So one day while they were in the act, the man stopped mid way and told her he was thirsty", he pauses to look at the attentive faces of all of us, even the white man was in suspense.
He smiles to himself and continues

" So after drinking up to twelve cups of water, the man immediately removed his clothes and started somersaulting, but luckily for him the woman held him from somersaulting the seventh time, if not, he would have died!"

" What kind of virus is that?", asks the white man

" The Scientific name is Ifanis Jujuris, normal name is African Magun!", he replies.

The congregation immediately goes wild with claps and laughter, even I couldn’t hold myself from smiling.
Swagalicious b*stard.
The white pastor remains there, a puzzled look on his face as Quadri walks back to his seat.
And then the prayers begin.
James is a Catholic and I, a Redeemer. So we both begin our individual quiet-toned prayers. But we are suddenly drawn aback by a loud chanting

RABABABABABABBABABA!!!
ROBOBOBOBOBOOBOBO!!!

We see that it is the SU babe that has gone spiritual. She is seriously vibrating with every syllable uttered. And then she begins another session

PORSHEPORSHEPORSHE PORSHEPORSHEPORSHE!!!
I was thinking that maybe she was trying to give hint to poor Quadri that she wanted a blackberry porshe.
And then the loudspeaker beside us booms

" Children of God!! Do not let the devil succeed in your life!!! Oya destroy them!!! FIGHT!!! FAYA!!! HOOLY GHOOST FAYA!!!"

The pastor too is encouraging this strange behaviour.
And when we thought the babe could do no worse, it was this slight push from the pastor that brought out the best in her.
She pushes her hand up to her sides, spreading them wide as if she wants to fly, poor Quadri was just staring at her wide-eyed.
Me and James exchange a momentary glance. "This is going to be interesting", we thought.
And then she begins to jump up and down, flaying her hands everywhere and swaying around like a coconut tree in a thunderstorm.
And then she suddenly shouts out in a cold and loud male voice, rich in bass
" Nooooo! I will not come out! I will not come out", she stops for a moment, still swaying and then she resumes in a more bass-laden voice

" Quadri! I know what you want from me ooo. You and your two friends, I know what you want from me ooo. And I will destroy the three of you before you can touch me!"

"Yee!!", Quadri shouts out, placing both hands on his head with his mouth open in disbelief.

"Chineke mee!!", James cries with his hand over his open fallen jaw

"Mo Gbe!", it was me that said this, both hands on my chest.

Jesus Christ!
Na Demon be this?! Wetin do this babe?!
Shey na us wan toast am?!
Na only Quadri dey toast her na! Wetin come consign us? The demon wey dey for her body don mad ooo!

"Ayomide! Na so person take dey die ooo!", says James to me, his yellow face now white with fear and confusion.


Everybody is already looking at us as if we are rapists.
We can already hear whispers of “See dem! Na so dem dey do ooo!”
" Biko!! Shift!! Make I dey go hostel!", James says as he pushes me out of his way.
Me and James quickly run out of the church, Quadri hot on our heels.
We do not stop running until we get to the hostel.

" Walahi! I no know say person fit toast devil ooo?!", says Quadri between bouts of forceful breaths on arrival at the hostel gate, his hands to his knees and his face to the ground.

James is now red with anger and exhaustion.
"Take!!", he says to Quadri as he pushes his spread fingers to his face, a gesture of Waka

"If dem born you well, come tell me make I follow you go toast girl again!", he adds to Quadri.

I ignore them, I just keep staring blankly at my empty side pockets, my eyes bulging with horror, na now I remember say I forget my iPhone for the girl hand.
I smile at the memory as I walk back to the house, ready to go to church. Thinking of what other drama awaits me there.

4 Likes

Re: Church Fiend by Warlord3000(m): 7:20pm On Dec 27, 2012
smiley , ' ' '
<\¸,' '
Λ I laff piss ƒör body.

Serves U̶̲̥̅̊ right...

Sebi we don warn U̶̲̥̅̊ and this ur "quadri squad" abi..

Bird of a feather.. Ur own don do U̶̲̥̅̊ .. Na make U̶̲̥̅̊ go collect ur iphone from demon remain..

=))=D ♒ђåª•ђåª•ђåª♒=D =)). :-P
Re: Church Fiend by Larry-Sun(m): 8:46pm On Dec 27, 2012
More please, LOL!
Re: Church Fiend by Redmosquito(m): 10:09pm On Dec 27, 2012
Thank you guys for the comment ooo! if u want to get more then go to African Nerd! grin grin grin grin
Re: Church Fiend by larride(m): 11:02pm On Dec 27, 2012
Red-Moss.......chai....I throwey salute
Re: Church Fiend by ciphoenix(m): 11:38am On Dec 28, 2012
That iPhone must be recovered. Na the girl plan be that grin
Re: Church Fiend by Adinije: 6:45pm On Dec 29, 2012
Roflmao you are funny.
Re: Church Fiend by Iaz93: 8:19pm On Dec 29, 2012
LMAO!!! I must collect the phone back oh! I dey craze?
Re: Church Fiend by Shugamania(f): 10:58pm On Dec 29, 2012
grin grin grin.. U're something else u know..
So did u recover ur iphone?
Re: Church Fiend by Ishilove: 4:55am On Jan 04, 2013
Hmmmm...not bad...but a caveat. Don't leave ''thoughts" for lack of a better word, 'hanging' (also for lack of a better word). The whole story seems choppy, like you were in a hurry to write it, or you were writing it absent mindedly.

"I scratch my crotch in a bid to calm the soldier in my pants, the one is already standing at attention and ready to do battle'.

Why? Why is it ready to do battle? You didn't mention it. This is a short story, so when you say something, make sure you follow it up and wrap it up. Just don't leave it hanging like that. It is a loose end that needs tying up.

"I reflexively let loose green, pungent air".

Why? Why is it green and pungent? Letting out green air from your lungs is cartoonish and inappropriate, not unless you are writing science or supernatural fiction, which this work isn't. There are other ways to pass across the message that your breath stank, but "green air" is a complete no-no.

Angry blaring of the car horn, not "angry "horning of the car".

"That Sunday morning..."-which Sunday morning? When? This is a short story, so you can't afford to leave details hanging around like this. Your memory is good,an indication that it happened a while back. Okay so how long ago was this Sunday? You need to tell us.

You met the SU girl...where? In the church, outside the church, where?? The service was going on, did you call her out, did you phone her, how was she able to locate you guys? We need to know.

She looked through your phone, where? During church service, outside the church building...WHEN?

You don't have to write a mini-thesis, just a single line is capable of wrapping up a thought. There were so many noticeable gaps in the story.

Safe sex, not "save sex".

There are other things I noticed, but time won't permit me. All in all, not bad, but there is need for improvement.
Re: Church Fiend by j-slimz: 7:59am On Jan 04, 2013
^^ its from another story he is on African nerd. He put it here to get a little attention.

Its supernatural too.

Ishilove i guess you stumbled on this. Try reading the main story and then tell him what you think.

We'll be waiting for you on the African Nerd thread.
Re: Church Fiend by Ishilove: 8:12am On Jan 04, 2013
j-slimz:
^^ its from another story he is on African nerd. He put it here to get a little attention.

Its supernatural too.

Ishilove i guess you stumbled on this. Try reading the main story and then tell him what you think.

We'll be waiting for you on the African Nerd thread.
African Nerd? No wonder there were so many gaps. I will go to the thread asap.

Let him endeavour to post the link to the thread.
Re: Church Fiend by j-slimz: 8:39am On Jan 04, 2013
Re: Church Fiend by Redmosquito(m): 10:30am On Jan 04, 2013
I dont know what happened here oo! I followed this htread and I didnt see any notificaion!
Okay! Ermmm...Ishilove u have killed me, I was like "WHAT? For only me?!" shocked shocked
But ermmm.....The loose ends, it is a part of another story as Jslimz has kindly said (thank God)
And ermm as for the other issues, like description, I will work harder, definitely (who wont?) grin
Some of the decsriptions u noted have alrady been explained in other part of the stories, so even if I say, Blue vapour escaped my lips, the reader from beginning will know what I mean
Thank you very much ooo Ishi and I pray I ermmm....work harder so as not to fall into your ermmm...hold again grin grin grin grin grin (fear catch me as I dey read ur analysis Chai)
Jslimz thank you for being there when I wasnt grin grin grin
Re: Church Fiend by Redmosquito(m): 10:39am On Jan 04, 2013
Ermmm....Ishilove abeg help me analyze this one too! I wan know how e be
http://www.nairaland.com/1147853/new-year-gift
grin grin grin
Re: Church Fiend by Foxy_Rebirth(m): 10:42am On Jan 04, 2013
Redmosquito: I dont know what happened here oo! I followed this htread and I didnt see any notificaion!
Okay! Ermmm...Ishilove u have killed me, I was like "WHAT? For only me?!" shocked shocked
But ermmm.....The loose ends, it is a part of another story as Jslimz has kindly said (thank God)
And ermm as for the other issues, like description, I will work harder, definitely (who wont?) grin
Some of the decsriptions u noted have alrady been explained in other part of the stories, so even if I say, Blue vapour escaped my lips, the reader from beginning will know what I mean
Thank you very much ooo Ishi and I pray I ermmm....work harder so as not to fall into your ermmm...hold again grin grin grin grin grin (fear catch me as I dey read ur analysis Chai)
Jslimz thank you for being there when I wasnt grin grin grin

come... Mtchwwww.... Bye....
Re: Church Fiend by Redmosquito(m): 10:45am On Jan 04, 2013
Foxy_Rebirth:

come... Mtchwwww.... Bye....
See who dey talk! U wey never update any *** story! U wey abandon ur weed story for here! No just talk there ooo! Me sef dey vex for you! angry angry angry
grin grin grin grin Oya talk na
Re: Church Fiend by larride(m): 10:52am On Jan 04, 2013
Red-Moss

I don dey vex for u ooo
Re: Church Fiend by Redmosquito(m): 10:56am On Jan 04, 2013
larride: Red-Moss

I don dey vex for u ooo
I dey come na! still dey tweak am up and down! Amke Ishilove no come catch me offguard again grin grin grin
Re: Church Fiend by Ishilove: 11:16am On Jan 04, 2013
Lol. I'm not perfect o, no one is. I only made comments on aspects that were very glaring. I will do what I can on the other thread.

I will not damn your work with faint praise. I will say it as I see it, and I expect the same to be done to me when I write. Constructive criticism is meant to help us grow.
Re: Church Fiend by Redmosquito(m): 11:20am On Jan 04, 2013
Ishilove: Lol. I'm not perfect o, no one is. I only made comments on aspects that were very glaring. I will do what I can on the other thread.

I will not damn your work with faint praise. I will say it as I see it, and I expect the same to be done to me when I write. Constructive criticism is meant to help us grow.
grin grin grin grin Oya go check the other thread < CAn I stop smiling now? grin grin
Re: Church Fiend by Ishilove: 11:22am On Jan 04, 2013
Redmosquito:
grin grin grin grin Oya go check the other thread < CAn I stop smiling now? grin grin
No, continue grin tongue
Re: Church Fiend by Foxy_Rebirth(m): 11:32am On Jan 04, 2013
Redmosquito:
See who dey talk! U wey never update any *** story! U wey abandon ur weed story for here! No just talk there ooo! Me sef dey vex for you! angry angry angry
grin grin grin grin Oya talk na

**Dances Asiko**

I am now an activist my friend so make I first fight for right before I come here come dey update weed story. E be like you no hear say dem ban my other account for 2 months wen I first start to dey get inspiration to write on weed but forget sha, I go continue when the time is right.

By the way sef, Ishilove don open your eyes small so I expect say you go make us laugh when you continue your thread... As for now, me still dey arrange dynamite to bomb your thread if you no continue. Remember say na Kano brought up I be....

No Boko sha....
Re: Church Fiend by j-slimz: 12:47pm On Jan 04, 2013
My pleasure Red Moss grin grin grin

I'm still waiting on you on that thread.
Re: Church Fiend by Redmosquito(m): 12:49pm On Jan 04, 2013
j-slimz:
My pleasure Red Moss grin grin grin

I'm still waiting on you on that thread.
wont disappoint
Re: Church Fiend by Warlord3000(m): 3:25pm On Jan 04, 2013
*mouth sealed*

@RedMoss

I follow ur naughty head to and fro..

And anytime I see a notification on my followed topics.. I rush go my African Nerd only fall U̶̲̥̅̊ to fall my hand with no update..

I know say before 2014 U̶̲̥̅̊ go finish am sha.. smiley
Re: Church Fiend by Redmosquito(m): 3:29pm On Jan 04, 2013
grin grin grin grin grin
Warlord3000: *mouth sealed*

@RedMoss

I follow ur naughty head to and fro..

And anytime I see a notification on my followed topics.. I rush go my African Nerd only fall U̶̲̥̅̊ to fall my hand with no update..

I know say before 2014 U̶̲̥̅̊ go finish am sha.. smiley
Re: Church Fiend by Redmosquito(m): 7:19pm On Jan 06, 2013
lai lai! This story must not fade out yet!
Re: Church Fiend by Cold faya(m): 10:43am On Jan 09, 2013
Choi Led moss, see as I d raff anyhow. Heading back to d nerd story, bin long I checked it out thanks 4 drawing me bk.

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