Excuses, excuses. Unless he raped you then both of your are responsible for this pregnancy. And you are wise to know the difference and you could have stopped him. I think you should tell him. He has a right to know and if he does not want the baby then let that be his choice. Stop feeling sorry for yourself and stop blaming the guy cos both of u are to blame.

femishosho@gmai:
reasoning as to why I'm saying its his fault.
i told him we needed to be safe . as i was going to be unable to get to the clinic to get a pill and he agreed to have safe sex.
then he changes his mind and goes ahead without my permission.

so now i need a pill , and was at work the whole week morning to night.
i had no time that week to wait in a clinic and doctors rather you go to a clinic or "walk in" medical centre as doctors appointments with you GP are for more symptomatic problems .

the other option was to go to a pharmacy but the pill costs to get it from there . 34 pounds to be exact . and i didn't have any money hence working extra hours, so i asked him if he could lend me the money to get it and he just said he was busy and had no money like its not his problem .

which is a lie because he always has money , and its not really like him to act like that , now he's tryna contact me asking where i am like every things so normal . thats why I'm angry at him

wat i mean is . he definatly wont want to know us but im thinking it might make him go abit crazy but thats not my fault why should i have to feel scared of him . he is to blame as well like he has to face the consequences of his actions instead of expecting me to clean up the mess . and im making a sacrifice saying i dont know who the dad is i mean it looks bad on me or i will just say i dont want to tell but even then its evident im hiding somthing

poster - in my eyes you are a small girl - you feel in love with the wrong man and ur now pregnant

single motherhood is only something I would wish on my worse enemies - it is not easy and £71 a week income support only goes so far (remember there is a 1% cap on the uprating for 3 years) i am not telling you to abort ur child BUT THINK VERY VERY WELL about the decision u will make - not only do u have to deal with doing it alone can u hack knowing that the father does not give a rats a** about his own flesh and blood.

its not easy, oh yes b4 i forget - please end this relationship wit this man he is married and will not leave his wife for u

Okay, let's take this slowly:

femishosho@gmai:


BUT the reason i cant get people involved and my family is because then things will go wrong and then he really will want to kill me then 'so to speak' .

You're not in the jungle! And neither is he going to "kill" you!

How much worse can things get for you? You're pregnant (and alone, I daresay), for a married man.

What's happening here is, he's got you exactly where he want you to be. i.e: He's welding the fear factor over you. This is the classical example of a man who wants to eat his cake and have it. An older married man who ought to know better, playing around with a minor. As far as he's concerned, he doesn't want his wife to know what's been going on between you both for the past 4 years. That's why you think he'll kill you, so as to not meddle with his marriage.

femishosho@gmai:
because how can i tell my friends and family they will instantly want to confront him

Good. And they should. You shouldn't let him get away with it. Your friends and family have your best interests at heart. They aren't the enemy here.

femishosho@gmai:
and even if i ask them not to people will talk , his wife will find out and then i dont know what will happen . bad. so i cant tell anyone who the father is but im not upset about that.

And rightly so, if this like you say, has been going on for 4 years! You need to stop covering up for him. He's an adult who should bear the consequences of his actions.

femishosho@gmai:
not straight away but in the future i will find someone else hopefully but then could he really deal with me being with some other guy and with his kid.

That's not for you to worry about now. You need to focus on the present and the mess you've got yourself into.

femishosho@gmai:
i im thinking thats got to get some feelings inside him going and not good ones .

so wat i mean is . i can deal with it but i dont know about him

What I'm going to say here is harsh, but you need to hear and learn from it. If you offer yourself on a plate to a man, you're more or less like a doormat screaming "Take me!", which is exactly what's happened. It takes a very disciplined man to say "NO". This guy is far from that and whatever you think he feels for you is certainly not love but lust.

Having a child on your own at such a young age changes your life, big time...and it's not going to be easy.

I still advocate whatever you choose to do, get your family involved to support you. You're going to need all the help you can get.

Best of luck, girl.

cotton101: poster - in my eyes you are a small girl - you feel in love with the wrong man and ur now pregnant

single motherhood is only something I would wish on my worse enemies - it is not easy and £71 a week income support only goes so far (remember there is a 1% cap on the uprating for 3 years) i am not telling you to abort ur child BUT THINK VERY VERY WELL about the decision u will make - not only do u have to deal with doing it alone can u hack knowing that the father does not give a rats a** about his own flesh and blood.

its not easy, oh yes b4 i forget - please end this relationship wit this man he is married and will not leave his wife for u

i couldn't care less about him not wanting to know he has to live with that not me and im not going to give him the chance to make me feel bad or guilty which is the spin he will put on the situation .
yes the main struggle will be money but i will find away and i will work aswell providing i have help with childcare.

i know hes not going to leave her . and as for the excuses excuses problem . i dont want to go into detail but its like he didnt care and the story about me asking for money is that he's neverrrrrrr spoken to me like that before i was shocked.

and i no i cant erase the past but the one thing i am promising is to not tell everyone hence why im not telling a soul . and i know im a bad person for the affair but am not trying to wreck his home and will never let his wife know so he should be happy with that.

also please no comments now saying how i think im doing an honourable thing by not telling i dont think that . but i just mean I'm not wrecking his home and i have pride i dont want a thing from him . yeah people think this situation means im going to be sad and lonely and bitter but im not i cant wait for my kid and im gonna have so much fun with her/him .

this is about a man whose has to come to terms with it not me. it cant be up to me to tell his wife even tho i would want to know its his life he can live it.

and i know i have to end it . but its hard when someones knocking at your door , ive changed my number 3 times he knows where i work and hes very convincing at telling me he loves me . i know he dosnt its jus getting him to back off.

i know im not a good person

cotton101: poster - in my eyes you are a small girl - you feel in love with the wrong man and ur now pregnant

single motherhood is only something I would wish on my worse enemies - it is not easy and £71 a week income support only goes so far (remember there is a 1% cap on the uprating for 3 years) i am not telling you to abort ur child BUT THINK VERY VERY WELL about the decision u will make - not only do u have to deal with doing it alone can u hack knowing that the father does not give a rats a** about his own flesh and blood.

its not easy, oh yes b4 i forget - please end this relationship wit this man he is married and will not leave his wife for u

Well said.

Cotton help me out on this one...what's the age for sexual consent here? Is it 16? If not, then surely this man can be held accountable for his actions?

Sorry but this isn't an area I'm conversant with...

femishosho@gmai:



i know im not a good person

No one's saying you're a bad person here femishosho

You're just a young girl who was taken advantage of by someone who ought to have known better. Much better.

Now stop feeling sorry for yourself, sit up and try to think clearly about what you intend to do about your present predicament.

Efemena_xy: Okay, let's take this slowly:



You're not in the jungle! And neither is he going to "kill" you!

How much worse can things get for you? You're pregnant (and alone, I daresay), for a married man.

What's happening here is, he's got you exactly where he want you to be. i.e: He's welding the fear factor over you. This is the classical example of a man who wants to eat his cake and have it. An older married man who ought to know better, playing around with a minor. As far as he's concerned, he doesn't want his wife to know what's been going on between you both for the past 4 years. That's why you think he'll kill you, so as to not meddle with his marriage.



Good. And they should. You shouldn't let him get away with it. Your friends and family have your best interests at heart. They aren't the enemy here.




And rightly so, if this like you say, has been going on for 4 years! You need to stop covering up for him. He's an adult who should bear the consequences of his actions.




That's not for you to worry about now. You need to focus on the present and the mess you've got yourself into.



What I'm going to say here is harsh, but you need to hear and learn from it. If you offer yourself on a plate to a man, you're more or less like a doormat screaming "Take me!", which is exactly what's happened. It takes a very disciplined man to say "NO". This guy is far from that and whatever you think he feels for you is certainly not love but lust.

Having a child on your own at such a young age changes your life, big time...and it's not going to be easy.

I still advocate whatever you choose to do, get your family involved to support you. You're going to need all the help you can get.

Best of luck, girl.

thanks for this comment its very truthul and seems u understand a bit more then the rest. i can without a doubt say the worst thing what could happen right now is for his wife to find out it makes me shiver and shake just thinking about. its not jus because im pregnant ive wanted to end things for a very long long time and have been really depressed about it .

and this is all me me thinking i dont know but even if she did find out he could say i was lying ? and its like my peace of not caring will be disturbed and will make me want to prove that , and i dont want a war i just want to be happy .

and he will act like he doesn't care but i know he must do .. yep he's basically getting away with it but hes living a slow and painful lie while im free to be happy . i just don't want him to put any sort of negativity on that through his own issues.

and i do feel really sorry for his wife.
before once he put his kid of the phone to speak to me and i told him to never do that again thats wen i realised that it was real you know for the sake of his children. basically if he can deal with it then so can i ... but im scared he won't and in that case i will tell people the truth about what hes really like then he only has himself to blame if his wife finds out. at the moment hes the the good church man with a degree in micro biology ,always preaching telling people whats good for them talking about jesus.

i now think he's starting to get jealous as well because i have my own place and im studying what he used to study and he says he does not like his job . i don't know for sure but starting to seem that way . anyways im rambling on it just feels so good to tell people without it coming back to bite me.

does anyone think i should be telling people the truth and what about his wife finding out?

Efemena_xy:

Well said.

Cotton help me out on this one...what's the age for sexual consent here? Is it 16? If not, then surely this man can be held accountable for his actions?

Sorry but this isn't an area I'm conversant with...

its 16 - don't worry this man knew what he was doing - but 16 is still a child to me. i'm getting more and more annoyed with this man, probably goes to his town meeting every sunday with the air of respect and responsibility. takes the wife and kids to church every sunday and sings the loudest and gives marital advice. KMT!!

come efe who is this poster stalking and insulting you? i'm like WTF.

anyway side topic - u will never guess who called me today.

@femi - i had to laugh when you said you will enjoy ur kid - oh to be young again.

femishosho@gmai:



thanks for this comment its very truthul and seems u understand a bit more then the rest. i can without a doubt say the worst thing what could happen right now is for his wife to find out it makes me shiver and shake just thinking about. its not jus because im pregnant ive wanted to end things for a very long long time and have been really depressed about it .

I am humane too you know

I do empathise with you on this and you really are in a sticky situation.

Re: His wife, that's not for you to worry about. Unfortunately, she is the victim in all this...probably an unsuspecting victim who doesn't deserve any of this and yes, you should feel bad about the part you played in all of this. On the other hand, she might know or is aware of what her man is capable of...either way, she's not your problem. That's between her and her husband to sort out.

You should thank your lucky stars you aren't in Nigeria, else it would have been a totally different story, where the wife can attack you and society would be 100% behind her and totally against you. Fortunately, you aren't in that setting and anyone who attacks you, can be held accountable for assault, be it physical or verbal. So you've got some level of protection here.

femishosho@gmai:
and this is all me me thinking i dont know but even if she did find out he could say i was lying ? and its like my peace of not caring will be disturbed and will make me want to prove that , and i dont want a war i just want to be happy .

The best thing you can do for yourself and your unborn baby is to stay away from that man's matrimonial home and his wife. Note I haven't mentioned the man himself because a time would come when he would play a part in your child's life. He is the dad afterall, and no...you can't make assumptions on what he may or may not say now or in the future. Yes, you may have an inkling, but ultimately, the decision on whether to take part in his child's life or not, lies with him.

When you say "prove", do you mean proving the child is his? That easy. A simply DNA test will confirm the child's paternity. What would he say you've been lying about? Having an affair with him?? You're carrying his child. More than enough proof.

femishosho@gmai:
and he will act like he doesn't care but i know he must do .. yep he's basically getting away with it but hes living a slow and painful lie while im free to be happy . i just don't want him to put any sort of negativity on that through his own issues.

and i do feel really sorry for his wife.
before once he put his kid of the phone to speak to me and i told him to never do that again thats wen i realised that it was real you know for the sake of his children. basically if he can deal with it then so can i ... but im scared he won't and in that case i will tell people the truth about what hes really like then he only has himself to blame if his wife finds out. at the moment hes the the good church man with a degree in micro biology ,always preaching telling people whats good for them talking about jesus.

Like I said, painful as it is, his wife isn't your problem, though you are part of her problem or rather partly responsible for her problem.

It takes two to tango, so he also is responsible for this mess too. Right now, you've got bigger issues to contend with, like I've pointed out earlier before. You're going to need a lot of emotional and financial support on this and lord knows it won't be easy for you.

cotton101:

its 16 - don't worry this man knew what he was doing - but 16 is still a child to me. i'm getting more and more annoyed with this man, probably goes to his town meeting every sunday with the air of respect and responsibility. takes the wife and kids to church every sunday and sings the loudest and gives marital advice. KMT!!

come efe who is this poster stalking and insulting you? i'm like WTF.

anyway side topic - u will never guess who called me today.

@femi - i had to laugh when you said you will enjoy ur kid - oh to be young again.

My dear, don't worry yourself about that. There'll always be haters and this is just one of many jor. Abeg ignore and let's not deviate from the topic at hand here.

Re your phone call: I can imagine. Pls, pls, pls tell me that call wasn't laden with insults as was done in the past?

And if it was, you really need to consider changing your number. You can automatically transfer your contact's numbers to your new sim and with smart phones these days, it's possible to have their calls redirected to your new number. It's high time the verbal abuse stops...

Yes, Femi is young and yet to learn the realities of life as it is...

femishosho@gmai:
i now think he's starting to get jealous as well because i have my own place and im studying what he used to study and he says he does not like his job . i don't know for sure but starting to seem that way . anyways im rambling on it just feels so good to tell people without it coming back to bite me.

does anyone think i should be telling people the truth and what about his wife finding out?

Your family and loved ones need to know.

One way or the other, his wife would eventually find out. For the umpteenth time, that's not for you to worry about. You need to focus on yourself and your unborn baby...

Efemena_xy:

Your family and loved ones need to know.

One way or the other, his wife would eventually find out. For the umpteenth time, that's not for you to worry about. You need to focus on yourself and your unborn baby...

Exactly. OP simply needs to do what's best for her coming baby. The wife finding out or not or his church reputation being ruined is not her problem.


I actually think the OP's problem is that she still wants to be with this guy. She has already decided to keep the baby, what is the remaining drama all about then? By the way, has this man been beating you?


*assuming this story is real*

I agree efe - when the CSA contact him his wife will find out.

No insults - just happy new year and asking after my daughter, i'm going to bed now - have an early morning meeting at work tomorrow - who the hell arranges a 9am meeting straight after christmas break - na wah for these people.

ileobatojo:

Exactly. OP simply needs to do what's best for her coming baby. The wife finding out or not or his church reputation being ruined is not her problem.


I actually think the OP's problem is that she still wants to be with this guy. She has already decided to keep the baby, what is the remaining drama all about then? By the way, has this man been beating you?


*assuming this story is real*

Everytime you imply that, you make me giggle!

If this story isn't real, then the anti-cabalite male is definitely hard at work!

cotton101: I agree efe - when the CSA contact him his wife will find out.

No insults - just happy new year and asking after my daughter, i'm going to bed now - have an early morning meeting at work tomorrow - who the hell arranges a 9am meeting straight after christmas break - na wah for these people.

Phew! That's good to know Cotton.

Glad to hear it.

Hubbyknows4sure = a female?

ileobatojo:

Exactly. OP simply needs to do what's best for her coming baby. The wife finding out or not or his church reputation being ruined is not her problem.


I actually think the OP's problem is that she still wants to be with this guy. She has already decided to keep the baby, what is the remaining drama all about then? By the way, has this man been beating you?


*assuming this story is real*

no he hasn't been beating me or beat me before . but he's the kind of person who wont stop till he gets what he wants for instance if i want to leave he'll block the door so i cannot , or if i tell him to get off of me he wont .
hence why i say its his fault .
but its never really been bad before its only recently he's been like this. when i rung him for money thats when he was rude but since then he thinks everything back to normal and keeps asking to see me , thats why i haven't been home .
i know that no one else would ever dream of him being like that though, he's just very very clever and he's not a good christian obviously but he's really into it , if that make sense and yes he does go to his nigerian meetings and stuff .

i was seriously in love with him but when you see someones ugly side its hard to forget it. i loved him but its like he promised me a lot of things that i just never got or he made me think we were serious ,but it just seems like he went to a lot of effort just to pretend . am just getting a bad vibe from him now because im not as much in love with him as before in fact i don't really care about him i just care about what he's capable of doing which is i don't know .

femishosho@gmai:


no he hasn't been beating me or beat me before . but he's the kind of person who wont stop till he gets what he wants for instance if i want to leave he'll block the door so i cannot , or if i tell him to get off of me he wont .
hence why i say its his fault .
but its never really been bad before its only recently he's been like this. when i rung him for money thats when he was rude but since then he thinks everything back to normal and keeps asking to see me , thats why i haven't been home .
i know that no one else would ever dream of him being like that though, he's just very very clever and he's not a good christian obviously but he's really into it , if that make sense and yes he does go to his nigerian meetings and stuff .

i was seriously in love with him but when you see someones ugly side its hard to forget it. i loved him but its like he promised me a lot of things that i just never got or he made me think we were serious ,but it just seems like he went to a lot of effort just to pretend . am just getting a bad vibe from him now because im not as much in love with him as before in fact i don't really care about him i just care about what he's capable of doing which is i don't know .

Let your family know that you're scared of him when you tell them of your pregnancy. Get a restraining order. Forget all thoughts of ever continuing a relationship with this man. This is not a good person for you even if he were single.

Sooo, this woman stalker just disappeared into thin air eh? And I was so looking forward to the drama once their identity got exposed. Oh well...

amazed

he says he doesnt care who knows any doesnt care who i tell