This morning, a woman got querried because of her absence from work, the reason for her absence is dt her only child is terribly sick and that there is no one around to stay with d girl in d hospital, d hubby doesnt work in town, he had already travelled back to his place of work before d girl started d sickness.
On d other hand, we cant fully blame our boss for giving her querry as today is our first working day in d new year, so, no one should not be in attendance today after enjoying d long holiday.
Now, d basis of my story is dt, this woman will not be d first nor d last person to face such conflict between her carrer and her family. I remenbered i myself was given a querry some years back due to absence from work which has to do with pregnancy-related-problem. I also remenber a friend who missed her promotion,because she could not attend promtion interview of that year, because she put to bed on d D-day.
We have heard of cases where d husband will insist dt he doesnt want d wife to work in order to have full attention for d children, should we blame d man for not allowing d woman to excel in her career or for being selfish or should we blame d woman for being lazy and dependent.
Also, we have heard of cases where d father and d kids hardly know each other, because, b4 d kids wake up in d morning, d father is already at work and before d father comes back home, d kids are already asleep....which can go on for more than 3 months, now, do we blame d father....no!, because he is struggling for d sake of d children.
We have heard of cases where both d father and mother are hardly known by d kids, they have left all d care and attention that d kids need in d hands of their housemaids, to d extent that d kids even thought d maids are their parents....again, do we blame d parents for trying to get to d peak of their career?
Go to any motor park as early as 5a.m, you will be surprised at d number of men that are already settled for their daily work, are these men not fathers to some children.
Go to some markets, especially, in those busy cities like Lagos, PH, Abuja,etc as early as 6a.m, you will be surprised at d number of women who are already in their shops transacting business, are these women not mothers to some children?
You see so many troubles in marriage/family today, where career pursuance is d root of their problem, sometimes, we hear something like, "he/she doesnt have time for me nor for d kids, he/she only pursue his/her career at d detriment of d family", blah, blah, blah.....
Now, my question is, how do we balance up between our family and our career? Do we put family first at d detriment of our career or do we put our career first at d detriment of our family?
How do we balance up/settle d continous coflict between our career and our family?


P.S......this is a thread that need serious attention and mature responses. I, as well as very many people stand to learn so much from this thread, d4, kids should please keep off, except those who will contribute meaningfully and constructively.
Let us learn from one another, for the betterment of our career and our family. Thanks for your responses.

Very apt topic dealing yours truly at the mo.First of i dont think its fair for someone to recieve a query cos their child is ill,if a child is ill they are ill.That said some women do tend to skive off using their kids as excuse and if its a pattern i think a verbal warning is due.Nigerian labour laws and even most parts of the western world have a long way to go in terms of work life balance.

That said even in the uk with the so called equality and parental laws,motherhood sort of puts a spanner though sometimes temporary in a womans career wheel.Also depends on what sort of partner you have,what sort of support network, where you live etc.My mum had it good cos she had my grandmas,my grand aunties and she worked in a govt parastatal.Even then when they moved to Abuja she decided to stay back in Lagos cos of us and that sort of affected her once rapid rise.

In the uk its not obvious its just something that you know yourself.I know roles and promotions i applied for and my feedback would be your qualified,your skill set match the role,you got glowing refrence from your manager but we nedd someone who can travel to ipswich,manchester,bournemouth,bristol etc(mycompany has 22 offices within the uk) at the shortest possible notice.And of course i dont fit that bill cos of my luggage .I hear your working hrs dont fit our business needs(i work full time o just flexi time if i come in 10 i leave 5 9 leave 4 cos i pick my daughter and hubby drops)am like which kain excuse be this.I even forego my lunch and even my manager knows that i put in a 100% when am there.The girl that covered me on my mat leave is now a senior analyst cos she no get unnecessary bagage if you say lets go to new york tomorrow she says what time?Me i have to say pls let me call my hubby,i need to arrange childcare,my son has doc appt bla bla.If i ran a business might actually prefer the girl to me sef .

That said its knowing your priorities at any said time in your life.My priority for now is my kids.Fortunately my hubby backs me and that might not be the case if say maybe i earned more and we really needed the money.So intend to work part time till my baby goes to reception
I was stressed,grumpy,irritable,tired etc when i worked full time and kept transferring my aggression to my poor child .Does not mean i dont want a career but at the moment dont think am strong enough to be good at it all.I also run a business by the side and one can never know if it takes off might end up being an entrepreneur.So i guess its up to individuals to decide what their priorities are at any point in time.

@ damiso, thanks for this eye-opening comment of yours, really appreciated.



@okija-juju, you are equally well appreciated, but i will reserve my quetions to u until you finally upload.

Well, I can't blame your colleague for her decision in staying with her child in the hospital over reporting to the office. It's like she had no better alternative, I mean, which mother in her right mind will leave her child alone in the hospital and concentrate on her work. Although, she should have called the HR, her boss or whoever to inform them about her absence first thing in the morning before the query was issued.

Now, on the issue of conflict between the family and career, in most families the woman makes the most sacrifices when it comes to choosing the family over career. I am not saying men don't make sacrifices as well but there are higher percentage of women. If both partners put their career first,the home front suffers and the children are neglected or left at the mercy of house-helps. Even, if we look at it this way, most men don't feel fulfilled without a good job or regular income even if they have the best family (supportive wife, well behaved kids etc)hence most of then put career first except for a few but many women won't feel as bad in the same situation, once the husband is supportive and the kids are doing fine, she tends to be satisfied even if she has not fulfilled her career dreams. However, it is very good for both parties to learn to compromise their personal desires at one point or the other so that one party won't feel bad for being the one to always make sacrifices.

It's just that the economic situation is not too friendly, hence you will see both husband and wife leaving their homes as early as 5am and coming back by 9pm just to make ends meet. I am sure most people will prefer a less time consuming job but then the opportunity for such jobs don't abound everywhere. But one should be able to draw a line once your partner or kids are feeling neglected.


@Okija_juju
Hmm... pregnancy na another issue o. Reminds me of a friend who is pregnant and is worried about being fit throughout her pregnancy period. She being the main breadwinner of her home had no choice but to report to work even when she's not too well. She's entitled to only 6wks maternity leave and considering going for additional 2months without pay but then the finances will suffer. Now in this case, where do you draw the line between family and career? Whether she reports to work after 6weeks (at the detriment of her baby) or apply for additional months without pay to take care of her baby (at the detriment of family finances)- both options are family inclined to me sha.

greatgod2012: Now, my question is, how do we balance up between our family and our career? Do we put family first at d detriment of our career or do we put our career first at d detriment of our family?
How do we balance up/settle d continous coflict between our career and our family?

For the most part, we women can't have our cake and eat it.
I think once you decide to have children, they should come first for as long as they are young and under your care. I understand it may be difficult with some careers to do this but I'm a genuine believer in waiting to have kids until you can afford to care properly for them. Their youth is the best time when you can bond with them, build them up, instill wisdom in them, enjoy their youthful innocence etc etc. its precious time that you will never get back and must be cherished.

Its tough though...those in a tight financial bind and have to place work over family so that there may be bread in the house. Perhaps considering moving to where cost of living is low so that both parents don't have to work 24/7. Or planning properly and having 2 instead of 4 kids so that the 2 can be well provided for. And Mission08 is right that women tend to be the ones who sacrifice career (cos of traditional roles, and we're the ones who give birth). I will add that women should see it not just as a sacrifice, but also an honor, a blessing to put someone else ahead of yourself. Which is why you see kids mostly being close to and loving their mothers more. Before having a family I wouldn't have thought I'd entertain the idea of being a stay at home mom... I'm so in love with my family that sacrificing whatever has become quite a joy, I can't explain it.

I work in a field that is extremely competitive. Everyone's trying to outdo everyone else. Me I no send. I do my job, and make sure to do it well and go home to my family. I am replaceable in my workplace - I'm not replaceable at home. Jobs come and go, but your family bond is eternal. And the scripture (apologies to the non-religious folks) that says "seek first the kingdom of God and all else will be added unto you" has been so true in my work life. Merits I have not striven for have been added unto me - by the grace of God.

All in all - Family First, Career Next - giving both the proper heart & soul that is required of you. This 'balancing' of work-life-family is only going to be for a season. If you have to pause your career, you can always resume it later. I'm sure every woman (and man) would like to look back and know they did right by their kids, and didn't sacrifice them on the altar of their careers. May God help us all. Amen.

@ mission 08 and Jesoul, thanks for d inspiring comments, i tell you, im really learning and i believe anyone who read this thread will also have something to learn.

Gender equality in this our present generation is not even helping matters, no one wants to be left behind, career-wise, as d husband is trying tirelessly to get to d peak of his career, so also d woman, leaving d care and d attention d kids needs in d hand of maids at one's own risk, because, no one knows d type of person d maid is..... houseboys molesting d girls and housegirls molesting d boys.....hhhmmmm, may God help us.



From d responses/comments so far, it can be deduced that women sacrifice more in favour of their family at d detriment of their career than d men and men sacrifice more in favour of their career at d detriment of their family, leaving their wives as d pacesetter of d family. Now, having known this, i think both d couple have to understand d roles each party play in moving the family forward and not complaining about each other, since they both complement each other.
May God help us all.

@ greatgod I will comment on your main topic later cos I thought about it thoroughly and got me thinking ...

Meanwhile , as per your last post;

Ummm.....Power struggles in marriage is the main convict, submission is abused big time and everybody is flaunting their independence.

As per nannies and babysitters .,,.,.... There's priority parenting my sister (mostly for working moms )

I don't have to be home 24/7 to be an excellent mom.... We prioritize our presence in their lives ....for example kids activities and memorable events , spending quality time with them , both all together and individually to know what's going on with them....

I've seen stay home moms with their kids uncultured in public and at home so do the math.

As per caregivers abusing the kids ? Well that's a different story .... even close knit family members do unimaginable things that are jaw dropping.

In conclusion , men also sacrifice too... not just common I guess( so we should recognize that too to encourage them ) .... women are more nurturing in nature and have sensitive instincts to make the first move especially when children are involved.

How is family o?

May God bless u Greatgod! Just what I needed!

You guys should keep it coming jare, Jidegirl I'm peeping o. Really busy now, will come back to read this bit by bit later.

I'm going to first discuss; the query part

@Damiso ..... Before I hire anybody I ask questions and this is one of them; Do you have any responsibilities that'll stop/delay you from performing your duties effectively ? And nobody ever said yes .... ( cos they're desperate)

it's a tough call hiring single moms and divorcees with custody .....,, at least I'd they will call with one excuse or the other in a week....doctors office , dentist, fever, daycare last minute delay...,

but one thing everybody is not saying is How these Firms will sustain if people keep doing this without any disciplinary actions ....

its very frustrating and I'm a mom too and I get it but if we all have good work ethics and think bout the other side too .... be considerate and stop making everything bout ourselves .

If you have a good job and a daycare.... have a backup plan cos of inevitable .... it's just part if being organized.

As per high risk preggys .... Plan ahead... makes life easier and don't make everything last minute.

As per men that want their women home.... go for it as long as they're capable.


I'm sorry if I sound waay too different but this is life that is full of complicated mixed occurrences ( people get sick, kids will have fever, water will break unannounced) and it is what it is.... we have to shape every situation in our favour and make it work , period.

My conclusion; life itself is not bed of roses... bumpy rides.... rocky path...

.... Life's the way we make it.... if you want your career to clash with your family then so be it....

As a couple it's our duty to work together as partners to make our lives easier without killing the other person..... and that has to do with the way your marriage system works ....

damiso: Very apt topic dealing yours truly at the mo.First of i dont think its fair for someone to recieve a query cos their child is ill,if a child is ill they are ill.

I dont agree. If i were a business owner i would be hard pressed to take that for an excuse. I pay you to do a job (on a contract you agreed to) not to spend that time taking care of your child. Would it also be fair for me to dock your pay for the time you were out busy with your sick child?

davidylan:

I dont agree. If i were a business owner i would be hard pressed to take that for an excuse. I pay you to do a job (on a contract you agreed to) not to spend that time taking care of your child. Would it also be fair for me to dock your pay for the time you were out busy with your sick child?

Yes i often take the time out unpaid or as thankfully my manager is understanding(my co is quite family oriented not everyone is that lucky) he allows me use my holidays to make it up.When my daughter was in nursery i can authoritavely say that about 10 days of my 28 day annual leave was used for sick/doc appts.So if hubby too is unable to take time off and my manager insists i cant take it we leave an 18 month old on her own?Or can she take herslf to the doctor?You also see where i said i agree that action must be taken if a pattern is noticed.In my case manager knows am a conscientous person with very high ethics and even asks when am back how my child is now
That makes me feel that am valued yes cos of the work do but also as a human being.Research in the UK at least has shown that employers who place a premium on work life balance have the lowest staff turn over ratios.They are able to retain people they have invested alot into.My company is part of the best 100 companies to work in the UK and even when looking for other jobs when i weigh the other benefits i get the financial aspect cant even begin to cover it.

An employee attitude to work matters,if you are generally the lazy,lack of intiative excuse giving worker chances are you might be lying
But if you have high work ethic and built that trust your employer knows you really had to take that time off.

With my second pregnancy i had it really rough.I had a 2 and a half yr old and i was always sick
I was very anaemic and even fainted at work on two occassions.My dept head personally signed me off for two weeks when he saw me back at work two days after one of the fainting incidents.Prior to that i had no sick days and my sick record with my daughter pregnancy was basically non existent.I worked two weeks to my due date because i was strong enough.I leave home and leave all my family issues at the door.I get paid to do a job and i do the best i can give in while there.But am a mum and i say it with pride that my kids are more important than my job.end of.I get the business angle of it but what cant be helped must be endured.

I really respect single mums cos i have a hubby and he sometimes is the one that stays behind to look after the kids.Its a tough one and as jidegirl is basically the maternal instinct to nuture that makes it look like the woman often is the one who sacrifices on career.That said i still advocate for mums to have other things to.occuppy them.

This is an interesting topic, we may not even fully exhaust it. We Men these days dont want a sit home wife, u want her 2 be doing something but how do u balance it, dats d crux of d matter. I think d understanding of d couple really matters, with that d family can always work out something. I remembered one of my managers once said if he had his ways, he wont employ any mum b'cos of their excuses, these days kids r definetely suffering & i think women shd know when 2 slow down.

@bjcole,Thanks for honouring me, its really interesting and i really doubt if we can really exhaust it as you have thought. Now, you want a finacially stable woman, and at d same time, women should know when to slow down, slow down on career or on family?
I think as you have said, d couple need to sit down and settle this between themselves, but d problem now is, wont d woman be seen as idle or lazy and dependent on d man, if she agrees to take it easy on her career and concentrate more on d family?

davidylan:

I dont agree. If i were a business owner i would be hard pressed to take that for an excuse. I pay you to do a job (on a contract you agreed to) not to spend that time taking care of your child. Would it also be fair for me to dock your pay for the time you were out busy with your sick child?

with due respect sir, what do you expect d woman to do in such situation, as i have said earlier, we cant really blame our boss for his action against d woman, but, what could she do?

jidegirl12: My conclusion; life itself is not bed of roses... bumpy rides.... rocky path...

.... Life's the way we make it.... if you want your career to clash with your family then so be it....

As a couple it's our duty to work together as partners to make our lives easier without killing the other person..... and that has to do with the way your marriage system works ....

yes o, life with its up and down, this is one of ups and downs of life, may God help us.

Women make more sacrifices in their career for family
In the western world, some coys allow u to take unpaid leave especially within the first year, some even longer
The lady in question should have requested for an additional leave
Its not fair for her to keep her leave days, her pay and did not report to work or make an arrnagement to work a day in lieu of the day she missed

@greatgod sorry before i answer further I would really like to know ur point
Is it how do women combine challenges of family/career

Just below someone says she finds it difficult to hire single women
if the women are not empowered economically, how will they break the cycle

biolabee: Women make more sacrifices in their career for family
In the western world, some coys allow u to take unpaid leave especially within the first year, some even longer
The lady in question should have requested for an additional leave
Its not fair for her to keep her leave days, her pay and did not report to work or make an arrnagement to work a day in lieu of the day she missed

@greatgod sorry before i answer further I would really like to know ur point
Is it how do women combine challenges of family/career

Just below someone says she finds it difficult to hire single women
if the women are not empowered economically, how will they break the cycle

my point is how do we settle d continuos conflict between career and family.
Our careers want to take all our time, as well as our family, give too much time to your career, d family suffers for it, and give too much time for your family, your career suffers for it, hope you get it, how do we do it in such a way that, family will not have clash with career and career will not have clash with family.

@ Greatgod , when i say slow down, i dont mean d woman shd sacrifice her job, there r jobs that one cannot afford to lose, u can imagine a woman working in shell or Elf as staff & u will now ask her 2 sacrifice her job b'cos of family, ofcourse thats almost unheard off & come 2 think of it, those high paying jobs ve provisions 4 married ladies, they accomadate them well & they close early like 4pm. I dnt really see any sense in jumping out 5am wit ur hubby wit nothing 2 show 4 it, when u ve kids.

From the employers point of veiw, I sincerely doubt if the query was for not showing up at work more than it was for not taking proper permission.
Sorry to say, Nigerians do not like to follow the right channels. If you are going to be away take permission properly. In these days of black berry send a mail to your supervisor, copy your H.R manager and if need be you head of unit.
But No way, if they tell their collegaue by text they feel that is sufficient.
Some one tried this one me, no mail, no call nothing just stayed away for 2 days and came back with a story of her child being sick, and when I asked why she didn't properly inform us, she said " Your are a mother now, you should understand the confusion"
I told her how many times as her boss I had ever been away without informing even them who work under me? When I was having a difficult preganancy before every hospital trip I send mails to the whole of my then unit, copy my boss, copy the head of H.R but that one is too much for some people, they prefer to play on sympathy.
No one will give you a query in a reasonable establishment (not one man business) if you properly request permission for being away from work. Standard organisations have 12 sick days a year, read your employment letter and use it, most times we just sign when we are looking for work ad don't take time to understand terms and conditions yet we want to play on sympathy.
Another thing is some women take advantage of that. My son sometimes has a temprature but my husband will say let him go to school because from experience if he stays home within an hour he is jumping up and down, my husband will say there is a school clinic and if there is an emergency they will get to us. Some women will use the opportunity of even cold to stay home and tell you" You are a mother you should understand".

Let us be honest, we know how we take things for granted and fail to follow protocol here and any boss that insists on protocol is tagged "wicked".

We had a very important meeting one wednesday and one lady just got up at 11.30 and picked up her bag to leave, I asked where she was going seeing her team had not presented and she said she always takes an early break on wednesdays to attend church, I told her well this wednesday is different, we need to finish our and send to Head Office before friday. She told me her "God" is more important than her job and chose to go for her church prayers. So when she was given a query she said I was satan and "God will judge me"

So my sister, I sincerly doubt your friend got a query from following the right channels, if she did there are employment laws to protect her

I am sorry but the only conflict I see here is that of a woman who didn't do the right thing.
If your child is sick, don't start screaming and shouting in confusion, compose your self, get to the hospital and memo you collegues and boss, if everyone is copied I don't see why the query will arise.

@Debrief.....lol at "my God is greater than my work"
some pple sha, always getting their priorities wrong.
Well, according to our boss, he said d woman called her on sunday to inform him, but he told her to make sure she make herself available first, which d woman did not do, i guess that is one of d reasons for d boss' action, like i said i cant blame d our boss, because, its just too early to be absent from work after a long holiday, but it seems d woman was helpless.

So now you see ko. She disobeyed a simple instruction, am sure if it was her pastor who gave the instruction she will obey without thinking twice but her boss she can take for granted.
Helplesss how? So nobody can wait with the child in the car while she goes in and sees her boss?
Secondly, why just call? Why not do a memo? We like short cuts and paddy paddy, she didn't want it registered as one of her sick days and chose short cut even the short cut she didn't fully comply.
This is just a woman who didn't do the right thing simple.

We are women, let us stop living and feeding on sympathy, know the rules and find ways of making it work for you

debrief08: I am sorry but the only conflict I see here is that of a woman who didn't do the right thing.
If your child is sick, don't start screaming and shouting in confusion, compose your self, get to the hospital and memo you collegues and boss, if everyone is copied I don't see why the query will arise.

I think debrief is right.I dont want to believe the query was for her child being ill.You have to let the proper people know and IN TIME as well.My boss knows that i call( text is not enough) everyday as early as 8 before the working day starts

@greatgod2012 & @thread,

looks like there should be two categories - mothers in naija & mothers not in naija. Cos many of the things debrief is mentioning are well in order and I can't imagine trying to pull off in my workplace..."leaving work to go to church" lol...na wa.

Juggling both family and career requires effective organization skill......

I have taken my kids to one of my homes because I had to cover a 12 hrs shift ( staff called in sick, see?) and I didn't book my nanny cos that situation wasn't planned for....

well It's my fault , maybe I should have and I learnt my lesson.... as you lay your bed you lie on it..... I don't like poor me poor me stuff.

jidegirl12: Juggling both family and career requires effective organization skill......

I have taken my kids to one of my homes because I had to cover a 12 hrs shift ( staff called in sick, see?) and I didn't book my nanny cos that situation wasn't planned for....

well It's my fault , maybe I should have and I learnt my lesson.... as you lay your bed you lie on it..... I don't like poor me poor me stuff.

hhhhmmmm, effective organisational skill........i tell you......im really learning, as in...seriously.....

greatgod2012:


hhhhmmmm, effective organisational skill........i tell you......im really learning, as in...seriously.....

Yes o my sister... If everybody going into marriage engrave this in their brain that ; you have to be mature and ready to take any challenge( doesn't have to be perfect but make it favourable ),

stay in love while raising kids, endure( don't sweat small stuff) , manage your time effectively, plan plan plan ahead, life is not constant.... All this wahala will reduce.

JeSoul: @greatgod2012 & @thread,

looks like there should be two categories - mothers in naija & mothers not in naija. Cos many of the things debrief is mentioning are well in order and I can't imagine trying to pull off in my workplace..."leaving work to go to church" lol...na wa.

As in leaving work to go to church.Gosh.I for one when working in Nigeria never got the whole monday morninv fellowship thing or in some Lagos state instituitions with more muslims friday was a sort of half day.

TBH one day my child minder called hubby to come pick my daughter and inside my 'shush' mind i wished she called me lol.I had one kain report that was giving me headache that day and even had to work late.deep deep down i was like mtscheeeew hen why did this woman not call me naaa.I would give anything at this moment not to be here .

Lol, stay there you never begin hear things.
Sorry to say with some Nigerians nothing you no go hear.
I ask the married women and mothers who are fond of the "my child is sick" excuse if they think they are fair to their colleagues piling up work for them yet still coming to collect salary and not sharing with the ones saddled with performing their duties.

The Church one nko? Someone will come late and tell you its because they went for night vigil ON A WEEK DAY. I wonder if na the same God me too dey worship who commands me to be deligent with work of my hands.

I refused to permit office fellowship already you come late to work with various excuses then you still want to spend one hour of paid time shouting and screaming without consideration to Moslems and Aethiests in the office.
I also stopped tract sharing because the Christains from certain churches fall short of flogging the aethiests in the office and with bomb blasts now sending the moslems to hell directly.

They argue that Moslems get to pray and I asked them if it was part of Christainity as it is in Islam to pray at specific times? Are we not asked to pray witthout ceasing and at all times too? In silence and sober reflection? While I work I pray one not obstructing other.
Believe me I have been called all sorts on this issue.


Thankfully I always pick up the slack, run my place in some level of discipline and never deliver late so all the gossips and pettitions get thrown out.
One wrote that I infringe on her religious rights of expression, unfortunately she got queried for not reading terms of her contracts that clearly states that she respects the faith of others and keep it out of working hours.

Yet, you will think the most religious ones are most productive, for where? They feel everyone is against them, smallest gesture is a spiritual attack, one said she couldn't go on a trip because her pastor told her the road is not clear, so I asked who in the office she wants to die in her place.


Plenty issues make I stop here for now