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Stats: 1060647 members, 1230182 topics. Date: Sunday, 19 May 2013 at 06:20 AM
|Why I Have No Future Ambition. by ochallo: 5:24pm On Jan 23|
Growing up at Aba Nla, a village close to Ibadan, I had two “career paths” on my mind. I wanted to become either a Police officer or a coffin maker. A Police officer, because it was the easiest job to make free money; a Coffin-maker because there will always be a ready market as people will naturally die. After the community leader, a retired Civil war veteran, the richest man in the community was the DPO Kenneth. By the time I finished JSS 3, my confusion as to which of the professions to take was resolved. Even back in the early 90’s when Road bribery wasn’t done with much chutzpah by our friends in black, getting yourself through the Police College was a very cool idea. The idea of being a Policeman in Nigeria is even more lucrative these days that there’s no limit to how much you can make on the roads. Luckily for you as a Policeman, your customers won’t have required papers before they put their cars on the road. For your customers who have all their papers, they won’t know their rights. The only danger here is possible armed robbers attack. Luckily for you, when armed robbers are on the prowl, your customers whom you should protect, will offer you their own clothes to change into. Even if you refuse, you will be advised to oblige since your gun-power cannot match the machines being used by the robbers .This was my mindset until the day some robbers escaped from a bank robbery at Ijebu-Ode. Aba Nla was to be their exit route but DPO Kenneth, my role model at that time and his boys were radioed from Eleyele Force Headquaters in Ibadan to lay ambush for the robbers. Kenneth and his boys bowed to superior fire-power. Kenneth was shot and he didn’t survive. Then I asked myself, “ what shall it profit a Policeman who “obtained” motorists, made so much money only to be killed in action. I switched to Plan B. . Coffin makers/sellers are business men who are on a class of their own; I wanted to be a distinguished one. The Nigerian businessman who understands the logic of the coffin sellers is Aliko Dangote. Sell to your customers what they can’t do without – Rice, salt, sugar – and you are good. It’s the same thing for the coffin-seller; people live, make money and strive hard only for one thing – to die. A coffin-seller will only be out of business when people stop dying. I have even seen a 60 year old man model for coffin makers. After I dropped out of Prospect High School, I joined a coffin-maker as an apprentice. Kasali Coffin-makers was the biggest in the whole of Aba Nla. He even had customers as far as Ibadan, Ijebu-Ode, Lagos and Abeokuta. I learnt the trick to Kasali’s success the first week I joined. There were two apprentices working with him already , John and Ade. Kasali came to our house on a Thursday evening with the two boys and he informed my grandma that I had an errand to run for him. The nature of my apprenticeship was such that your oga was more or less your owner – so your parents obliged any request. .I simply put on my Kito sandals and followed them. We all rode away in Kasali’s 504 Station Wagon, the second best car in the community after Baale’s Mercedes 200. DPO Kenneth’s 505 evolution was taken away by his family after his death .
The smoke coming out of the exhaust as we drove off was not much of a worry since it was quite dark already; we inhaled some, the rest was for passers-by. I still couldn’t understand the kind of assignment oga had for us at such unholy hour .
He was apparently driving out of the community but took a turn as I asked a question.“Oga, where exactly are we going this night?”. John and Ade exchanged glances and they appeared to be satisfied that I was worried. The previous 3 days at work had been terrible for me because both of them used every opportunity to show me that they were my seniors at work. This didn’t go down well with me because they were my age mates and they were only ahead of me at Oga Kasali’s place because they dropped out of school earlier than me .
“We are here already, don’t be scared” Kasali responded .
That was when I noticed that we were driving towards the cemetery gate.
“Oga Kasa, but we came here in the morning for a burial.” I said .
Oga Kasali actually made the coffin used for the burial and I couldn’t understand why we came back .
The gateman of the cemetery approached the car and flashed his torchlight at us while oga Kasa flashed back with the car’s headlight. On another occasion I would have asked for the rationale behind putting a fence around a Cemetery and having a gatemen there. Was it to prevent the dead bodies from escaping? Or was it to prevent outsiders from interacting with them?
“Kasa gbangba, Good evening o” The gateman hailed Oga Kasali .
“Baba ode, well done sir. We are here o.” responded Kasali .
“I don dey wait for the past thirty minutes. Make we start work immediately abeg” stated the gateman .
The gateman who I knew very well because he stayed three houses away from my grandma., then noticed me in the car and asked why I was there. He actually joined us this week” replied Kasali .
We all moved towards the point where the burial of that day took place. John and Ade suddenly brought out diggers from behind a tree and they started digging.
That was when I realized what was happening. So Kasali sold coffins to people only for them to be retrieved and later sold to other people.
I was so scared and I couldn’t understand why they were so confident as they went on with the digging. What if someone later discovered what we were doing? .John and Ade had been digging for a while and it appeared they were already looking at the coffin. I was still in shock at what was going on as Oga Kasali and the gateman stepped forward to assist the boys.
Everyone knew I was in shock, so they didn’t bother asking me to do anything.
By this time, the coffin was exhumed and they were about to open it.
“Kasali, when I go collect my balance na? I need money o” The gateman told Kasali .
“No worry baba. By tomorrow, we go sell this one to another person and money go come in. I go settle you properly.” Replied Kasali
How it happened, I still cannot explain till tomorrow. A voice, baritone one for that matter, suddenly came from the ground .
“Ka-sa-li! “To si gba owo ise re!” meaning “ But you were paid for this coffin.” Said the ghost, who was holding Kasali’s hand.
We all took off and escaped through different routes apart from Kasali who was being held by the ghost. Now I can officially call myself an NFA,(No future Ambition) as my two career paths have proved too dangerous to cope with. Please don’t tell my story in a serious Gathering.
|Re: Why I Have No Future Ambition. by ludasam222(m): 10:32pm On Jan 23|
Ahhhhhhhhhhh.....i don laf tire...oh boi u 2much o....GOD go show u anoda way...
|Re: Why I Have No Future Ambition. by BukkyDan(f): 8:29am On Jan 24|
Hahahahahahaha, too funny
|Re: Why I Have No Future Ambition. by Sugarbabe_kemi@(f): 9:45am On Jan 24|
Lwkmd....dis one na serious mata o.
|Re: Why I Have No Future Ambition. by ochallo: 6:15pm On Jan 24|
|Re: Why I Have No Future Ambition. by sanod: 8:16pm On Jan 24|
Seriously, i lov yur writing, so wuld lov 2do business with yu, cos ℓ will b needin some writing on ma site..so if yu ar interested..e-mail me..email@example.com, so we can twok beta.
|Re: Why I Have No Future Ambition. by ochallo: 1:13pm On Jan 25|
sanod: Seriously, i lov yur writing, so wuld lov 2do business with yu, cos ℓ will b needin some writing on ma site..so if yu ar interested..e-mail me..firstname.lastname@example.org, so we can twok beta.
|Re: Why I Have No Future Ambition. by Iceman P(m): 3:48pm On Jan 25|
dis is totally sick,but luvly writing,keep up d gud wrk
|Re: Why I Have No Future Ambition. by Efemena_xy: 10:58am On Jan 26|
The day of reckoning dawns with the voice of the un-dead eh?
Nice one @poster - loved it!
|Re: Why I Have No Future Ambition. by ochallo: 5:45pm On Jan 26|
|Re: Why I Have No Future Ambition. by Nasri100(m): 11:21am On Jan 27|
Lol whoever wrote this i swear you rock!!!!!
|Re: Why I Have No Future Ambition. by israel007: 11:25am On Jan 27|
Hmmm. I no go talk.
|Re: Why I Have No Future Ambition. by IZUKWU(m): 11:26am On Jan 27|
Falls from mtn mask laughing
|Re: Why I Have No Future Ambition. by musKeeto(m): 11:28am On Jan 27|
IZUKWU: Falls from mtn mask laughingMay I mask your error?
|Re: Why I Have No Future Ambition. by heywhytech1: 11:30am On Jan 27|
Nice one keep it up!
|Re: Why I Have No Future Ambition. by puma-puma: 11:31am On Jan 27|
Wondering why the OP refused to acknowledge the original source of this post. Full credit should go to Sagay.
If u wanna break your ribs, go to http://www.sagaysagay.com for more hilarious stuff.
|Re: Why I Have No Future Ambition. by ITbomb(m): 11:32am On Jan 27|
Sorry about that
Blame Seun's Quote Bug which he has refused to repair
Once again, Nice write up
|Re: Why I Have No Future Ambition. by JayKayMaybachz(m): 11:33am On Jan 27|
I been dey vexa with ma sis wen been provoke me dis mawning ... immediately i saw dis ah laughed out my anger ... nnnaaah ehn i don laugh so tey i co sidon for hot stove i no sabi
|Re: Why I Have No Future Ambition. by JayKayMaybachz(m): 11:35am On Jan 27|
ITbomb: NiceE get as u dey behave ooo ... U come quote all dis long tory with only "nice" .... abegy no dey take lipton tea wen milk no catch wella aqain ... e dey make u behave somehow mtcheeeeeeeeeeeeew
|Re: Why I Have No Future Ambition. by Drksly(m): 11:37am On Jan 27|
I love the style of dis writing. Keep it up bro.
|Re: Why I Have No Future Ambition. by ochallo: 11:55am On Jan 27|
you are kidding right?
|Re: Why I Have No Future Ambition. by chukxy44(m): 11:57am On Jan 27|
Nice, beautifully written, love the Indigenous theme and the creative use of words.
|Re: Why I Have No Future Ambition. by never_say_never(m): 11:57am On Jan 27|
i don laugh so tey my head dey ache me. @ op, you try.
|Re: Why I Have No Future Ambition. by lordZOUGA(m): 12:07pm On Jan 27|
very nice.. Keep it up.. To whoever wrote this
|Re: Why I Have No Future Ambition. by razzberry2(f): 12:09pm On Jan 27|
My guy i tire o..pple jx dey act like say dem dey reason tru another part apart 4rm deir brain..
|Re: Why I Have No Future Ambition. by Theloveth(m): 12:11pm On Jan 27|
|Re: Why I Have No Future Ambition. by ebucha: 12:24pm On Jan 27|
|Re: Why I Have No Future Ambition. by Pimples: 12:24pm On Jan 27|
Na so life b
Everything wey we do na risk. Funny story
|Re: Why I Have No Future Ambition. by e mandman: 12:27pm On Jan 27|
Wow...i was reading with enthusiasm until the ghost held kasalai hand part...dat was wen i LMFAO.
|Re: Why I Have No Future Ambition. by zameen(m): 12:28pm On Jan 27|
|Re: Why I Have No Future Ambition. by puma-puma: 12:33pm On Jan 27|
I guess not. I am quite sure this write-up debuted on sagaysagay.com last year.
|Re: Why I Have No Future Ambition. by gboss4sure(m): 12:58pm On Jan 27|
Na why u qoute the OP 3 times?. Bomb dey ur head?
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