Am so confused right nw and hurting.
my hubby occassional tells me that "marriage is nt a do or die affair" mostly when we have misunderstanding.
so my question is: does he mean i can take a walk anytym i like?
secondly he told me recently that if i ever decide to leave dat he wont come looking for me.
pls married men n women in this forum help a troubled n confused soul out.
thanks y'all.

Nothing hurts most than a man tell his woman she is worth nothing How long have you been married for?

troubledSoul: Am so confused right nw and hurting.
my hubby occassional tells me that "marriage is nt a do or die affair" mostly when we have misunderstanding.
so my question is: does he mean i can take a walk anytym i like?
secondly he told me recently that if i ever decide to leave dat he wont come looking for me.
pls married men n women in this forum help a troubled n confused soul out.
thanks y'all.

Pretty much.

Why don't you being to open lines of communication with him to try to get to the bottom of why the marriage is not working out for him? Be careful though, you may not like the answers you get! But at least you'll know exactly where things stand.

Alternatively, you could just continue to patch things up and hope things improve before he actually develops the cajones to walk out of the marriage himself.

Are you guys just starting out in marriage? Sometimes the beginning can be very rough but it can get better. Good luck!

jennykadry: Nothing hurts most than a man tell his woman she is worth nothing How long have you been married for?

yeah that really hurts... we've been married for four years nw.

troubledSoul:

yeah that really hurts... we've been married for four years nw.

When did he start making those comments?

ileobatojo:

Pretty much.

Why don't you being to open lines of communication with him to try to get to the bottom of why the marriage is not working out for him? Be careful though, you may not like the answers you get! But at least you'll know exactly where things stand.

Alternatively, you could just continue to patch things up and hope things improve before he actually develops the cajones to walk out of the marriage himself.

Are you guys just starting out in marriage? Sometimes the beginning can be very rough but it can get better. Good luck!

we've been married for four years nw and i must say dta wat my instincts tells me or rather his attitude towards me is dat he really dont care.
but i pause for a moment, he bought a car for me(not in my name) which i use, n he is also sponsoring my education. so thats why am confused, is he doing all these for nothing

jennykadry:

When did he start making those comments?

2 years ago..

troubledSoul:

2 years ago..

Do you live in Nigeria? Can you afford to pay your fees yourself? Because he thinks you cannot survive without him seeing that he takes care of your every financial need

jennykadry:

Do you live in Nigeria? Can you afford to pay your fees yourself? Because he thinks you cannot survive without him seeing that he takes care of your every financial need

yea i live in nigeria, i dont hav a job nor biz. so NO cant afford to pay my fees.

Answer this sincerely please.

Do you nag or pick up fights with him every-time?

jidegirl12: Answer this sincerely please.

Do you nag or pick up fights with him every-time?

not everytym. actually he nags (alot) more than me.

troubledSoul:

not everytym. actually he nags (alot) more than me.

Change your ways sis.... enough with the nagging and constant fights

I kid you not , if any man gets in my throat every-time , to hell with everything , I will say the same to him too , it's just frustrating when you have to deal with nagging spouse every-time.

Somebody has to make the first move and that's you, you'll see he'll change too.. I don't think it has anything to do with helping you.

troubledSoul:

we've been married for four years nw and i must say dta wat my instincts tells me or rather his attitude towards me is dat he really dont care.
but i pause for a moment, he bought a car for me(not in my name) which i use, n he is also sponsoring my education. so thats why am confused, is he doing all these for nothing???

It's not really that confusing. The fact that he is being responsible in terms of financial support towards you does not translate to fire burning in his loins heart for you. You just need to find a way to rekindle the fire.

troubledSoul:

yea i live in nigeria, i dont hav a job nor biz. so NO cant afford to pay my fees.

How much longer have you got to go with studies? You need your independence first off and secondly, who buys his wife a car in his name? I don't get it.

No spouse is supposed to say that to the other half. That is just bringing down your self esteem. See yourself as a princess and carry yourself as one, its either he catches up with you or learn to work with you. I want to be appreciated and loved by my spouse and not the other way round.

First of all, have you sincerely examined yourself?
Are you sure you are not d one pushing him into extreme?
What exactly do you contribute to d marriage?
Do you have kids for him?
Do you constantly nag or engage in hot argument with him?
Do you always have cause to constantly complain about something you have or do not have in your marriage?
Do you always compare your marriage with that of his friends or your own friends?
Do you love his family and does he love your family?


Sorry for all these questions, your answers to these questions may be why he talks to you d way he does.
May God help us all.

ileobatojo:

It's not really that confusing. The fact that he is being responsible in terms of financial support towards you does not translate to fire burning in his loins heart for you. You just need to find a way to rekindle the fire.

rekindle d fire u say?? ok i wil try n hope it works, though i made up my mind this year to be a listenning wife while he do all the talking cos dat wat he really wants.

troubledSoul: Am so confused right nw and hurting.
my hubby occassional tells me that "marriage is nt a do or die affair" mostly when we have misunderstanding.
so my question is: does he mean i can take a walk anytym i like?
secondly he told me recently that if i ever decide to leave dat he wont come looking for me.
pls married men n women in this forum help a troubled n confused soul out.
thanks y'all.

but he's right......marriage is indeed not a do or die affair!
this is why there's a process called "divorce" should any of you get fed up in marriage. nothing is worth dying for. your husband is a wise man!

jennykadry:

How much longer have you got to go with studies? You need your independence first off and secondly, who buys his wife a car in his name? I don't get it.

No spouse is supposed to say that to the other half. That is just bringing down your self esteem. See yourself as a princess and carry yourself as one, its either he catches up with you or learn to work with you. I want to be appreciated and loved by my spouse and not the other way round.

i have 2 more years to go.

That is his view about marriage, sorry to say. You guys are getting to the point where he just doesnt care anymore either way tp put effort into it. some people can be draining and childish enough to push people to say things they dont mean. He just wants you to know that option is available to you, if ever you feel the need to exercise it.

I had a discussion with a coworker last week, she doesn't have luck with men ... I asked her what seemed to be the problem? She said; well she thinks the whole marriage thing is a sham, that people pretend a lot just to please themselves, and she can only pretend for a while and not forever.

I told her; well sometimes you just have to turn a new leaf( contrary to pretence) when you have to include another person from different background in your life,
Even we change when we add a new baby to the family( smoke, alcohol, gambling, spending, way we talk )..only a selfish person will say well that's just me , I can't change who I am and live a lie.

She said I guess you're right but she rather be alone forever than to change who she is... you can't eat your cake and have it I said and we laughed it off.

troubledSoul:

rekindle d fire u say?? ok i wil try n hope it works, though i made up my mind this year to be a listenning wife while he do all the talking cos dat wat he really wants.

Didn't I hammer on self esteem issues earlier? You are his neck and your opinion should matter as much as his. I and my husband also have healthy arguments, he tells me the reason why he wants to buy something and I give him my own solid reasons why he shouldn't get that. Like debrief said, she was scared of arguing with her current husband cos her ex made her feel like her opinion did not matter and a woman's place is to just shut up and listen to her husband. This new husband of hers encouraged her to gain back her personality and give him a run for his money when necessary.

No right thinking man wants a zombie wife, am I right coogar?

sis learn how to have patient and tolerant tried to understand his point of view
ask him to teach u where u go wrong
check if u are still the same person u used to be to him,dont count those comment against him,always look for peace
wish u gudluck

jennykadry:

Didn't I hammer on self esteem issues earlier? You are his neck and your opinion should matter as much as his. I and my husband also have healthy arguments, he tells me the reason why he wants to buy something and I give him my own solid reasons why he shouldn't get that. Like debrief said, she was scared of arguing with her current husband cos her ex made her feel like opinion did not matter and a woman's place is to just shut up and listen to her husband. This new husband of hers encouraged her to gain back her personality and give him a run for his money when necessary.

No right thinking man wants a zombie wife, am I right coogar?

no man(sane or insane) wants a mumu wife.....
men want wives who can handle home affairs when husbands are away from home. men actually enjoy/welcome healthy arguments as long as its devoid of emotional sentiments and blah blah. if my wife presents a good case why i should not get another car, i would agree with her!

troubledSoul:

ok i wil try n hope it works, though i made up my mind this year to be a listenning wife while he do all the talking cos dat wat he really wants.

You don't fold your hands and keep mute and hope things will change , you discovered a problem in your marriage, try and make it work before you resort to divorce o! Start with no more fights.

greatgod2012: First of all, have you sincerely examined yourself?
Are you sure you are not d one pushing him into extreme?
What exactly do you contribute to d marriage?
Do you have kids for him?
Do you constantly nag or engage in hot argument with him?
Do you always have cause to constantly complain about something you have or do not have in your marriage?
Do you always compare your marriage with that of his friends or your own friends?
Do you love his family and does he love your family?


Sorry for all these questions, your answers to these questions may be why he talks to you d way he does.
May God help us all.

yea i have kids, 4 n 2 yrs
i do compare him, i love his family n some how love mine
we do have hot quarel but once in a while.
we both tell eachother wat we want to see in the marriage n wat we dont want aswell.

jennykadry:

Didn't I hammer on self esteem issues earlier? You are his neck[b] and your opinion should matter as much as his.[/b] I and my husband also have healthy arguments, he tells me the reason why he wants to buy something and I give him my own solid reasons why he shouldn't get that. Like debrief said, she was scared of arguing with her current husband cos her ex made her feel like her opinion did not matter and a woman's place is to just shut up and listen to her husband. This new husband of hers encouraged her to gain back her personality and give him a run for his money when necessary.

No right thinking man wants a zombie wife, am I right coogar?

Jenny is right. Becoming a robot dummy is not the way to go. You have to find a balance.

coogar:

no man(sane or insane) wants a mumu wife.....
men want wives who can handle home affairs when husbands are away from home. men actually enjoy/welcome healthy arguments as long as its devoid of emotional sentiments and blah blah. if my wife presents a good case why i should not get another car, i would agree with her!

Thank you. My husband said to me December last year...."Why are you quiet these days? " and I was like " now that I am not talking 24/7 discussing celebrities with you, or what dress I want to buy, or what jewelry I saw at the shops recently,or what husband /wife drama topic I read on nairaland or vanguard, we are not arguing about what color of couch we both want in the bedroom (the one there right now, I so do not like, his taste BTW ) you won't let me rest ehn".

I thought most of the women on this forum also chorus the same thing "Marriage is not a do or die affair" but when its coming from a man its now wahala

And I agree marriage is not a do or die affair. there are things more important than marriage Your life, your health, your sanity, your safety etc. If marriage would jeopardize any of those things then that statement is very valid

Rather than one person kill the other, run the other person mad, land them in jail, mortally injure them I would prefer they both go separate ways.

So it depends on what brings about the disagreement

You just need your financial independence and everything will change.

He is getting pissed off since he does almost everything at home, I mean financially! While you sit and demand, demand ....

Keep ur head high and make reasons for him to see your worth.

I believe you are special in some ways, let him know that!

Wish u well

Dayo we say that when a woman's life is in danger and not the other way round. It's different when its just a mere argument btw husband and wife

jennykadry: Dayo we say that when a woman's life is in danger and not the other way round. It's different when its just a mere argument btw husband and wife

I think he's just fixing to get this thread to 20 pages.

ileobatojo:

I think he's just fixing to get this thread to 20 pages.

Gotcha

You know what@ dayo, you are right. We all are hypocrites