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A wife can't be nosy in her husband's life if there are no secrets.

I don't think you are nosy, he is supposed to be opened to you.

maybe u should sit him down and tell him how u feel, he might nt knw he is hurting u. just let him knw that keeping secrets in a marriage isnt gud.

he might just be in the school of thought the ignorance is bliss, not knowin that u realy want to be involved

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I would not be comfortable with my husband paying his ex-wifes rent, buying her things, etc. I do know that f.ex in the states when you get divorced, a wife can apply for alomony, where she get a certain amount of cash every month, and then some if she have the kids. Maybe this is something like that? I have no idea about the rules in your country..

But still, hiding things is not a good thing. And moving the kids in without talking to you about it first, is not a good thing either. In a marriage, both of you need to agree on things, nt one over-driving the other.

mmagdalene: We got married five years ago after he divorced his ex with two children. The reason he gave for their divorce was incompatibility. They both agreed to the divorce and to let her have custody of their two kids. Aside the incompatibility reason he gave, he does not like to say anything about her even when I ask. I felt he was not happy or comfortable discussing his first marriage and let him be, not wanting to appear overbearing or nosy.

He buys food stuff, clothes etc and send to his kids. He also sends money to pay their school fees and upkeep. But what surprises me is that he never calls nor take his ex's calls in my presence. He saved her number with a fake name which I later discovered. This is funny because I have never shown any sign of jelousy towards the woman. Why should I? I even encourage him to check on the kids often and ensure they lack nothing and he told me he doesn't like going to his ex's place that often because he doesn't know what she's likely to come up with.

On one occasion, he left home very early telling me he was going for an official meeting. Unfortunately for him, his phone was in his pocket and he mistakenly dialled my number. I picked it said hello only to hear him speaking with a woman, they were having a heated argument and the woman was even cursing him. From their discussions, I gathered it was his ex. I even heard the voice of the kids. I was perplexed as to why he lied about his meeting. I don't see anything wrong in him telling me he was going to see his ex. They've got kids together and I know the kids will always connect them one way or the other.

After about two years into our marriage, the kids started coming to our house during holidays. Later, I don't know how he arranged it, he moved the kids to a boarding school and they come straight from boarding to our house. I had to ask him why he did that. I said when will the kids be seeing their mum if they do boarding and spend the whole holiday with us. He said their mother is not doing a good mothering job and he doesn't want the kids to grow wrongly, and besides she was moving to another state and couldn't go with them. I told him I think I deserved to know about this plan before he implemented it. Afterall, it's more or less like the kids live with us fully now. He didn't say anything.

I understood him buying stuff for the kids and their mum when they still lived together. But even after the kids moved in with us, he still sends money to her account regularly, pays her house rent and stuff. He travelled out sometime ago, bought things for me, clothes, shoes etc. and to my amazement he bought some for her too and sent his driver to go and deliver to her. I kept quiet about this as well.

He snaps at me whenever I ask any question about his ex. I asked what state she lives in, he said he doesn't know. I know this is a big lie. They call each other regularly and he still sent money to her acct last week.

I can't say my marriage with him is perfect, we have our own shares of ups and downs but I don't like the way he keeps secrets. It was from his siblings that I heard that he used to visit the kids when they were with their mum. He told me only on one occasion and I did not give any negative reaction to make him not inform me of such again.

Do I have a cause to be concerned or I should just leave him to live as he likes?

leave him alone, he didn't marry you at gun/knife point. you knew he was married before with kids before you accepted to marry him. the excess baggage would always be in his life. you should have thought of this before marrying him - stop complaining and chin up!

You are not being nosy.It is only natural that you are interested in whatever is going on in your husband's life but sadly,you can't force him to open up if he doesn't want to.
He appears to have set boundaries between you two and it seems like you have allowed and accepted it for too long.
...some of the odds that come with getting married to a divorcee..

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mmagdalene: Coogar I am not complaining and I do not see his kids as excess baggage. My concern is his secretive ways! If he wants to be magnanimous towards his ex, it should be done openly. I think you just want to be judgemental.

Jallowbah, we're in Nigeria.

it's no business of yours what he does to the mother of his kids - duh! you should have taken all these things into consideration before uttering "i do". you actually expect a grown man to table the plans he's got for his ex with you? you must think men are brainless!!! i am not being judgemental - i just wish women could think harder before jumping into a marriage such as this one.

Do you have kids together, what is the age gap between you both? Did you investigate into why he is a divorcee or you just took his words for it? Anyway poster the deed is done.

Regardless of what anyone tells you.
You + Hubby = 1 and yes you must be privy to information about whatever arrangement he has with the ex.

People will come here and type what they won't dare try on their wife.

I think it is this secretive nature of his that he termed "incompatibility" that made him become a one time divorcee. You have to communicate with him. Patience, plenty of it is needed here I am afraid

However, don't play any silly game with him, the fact that he uses a password does not mean you have to. show by example what you wish in your marraige. Maybe he will begin to open up.

I don`t know much about nigerian culture on how men do with their ex-wifes, maybe someone else can enlighten that...?

I know that in my country, you never give the ex-wife any money, only the kids, when she have full custody. And that is not something to argue. A man who takes care of his kids is doing good, not bad.

You need to have a true talk with your husband. it IS your business that he spends money on clothes and shoes and rent on her..why does he do that? Ask him, straight out. No fighting, no judging, just ask, and see if you get a response.

JallowBah: I don`t know much about nigerian culture on how men do with their ex-wifes, maybe someone else can enlighten that...?

I know that in my country, you never give the ex-wife any money, only the kids, when she have full custody. And that is not something to argue. A man who takes care of his kids is doing good, not bad.

You need to have a true talk with your husband. it IS your business that he spends money on clothes and shoes and rent on her..why does he do that? Ask him, straight out. No fighting, no judging, just ask, and see if you get a response.

It's not a part of Nigerian culture to do that. His reasons for doing that are personal to him and not due to any cultural obligations. I completely agree with you. OP is appropriately upset here. Even if her husband has innocent/ altruistic reasons for his actions, it's wrong of him to continue to lie and be so secretive and dismissive towards his wife.

You are not being nosy. He needs to open up to you.

ileobatojo:
It's not a part of Nigerian culture to do that. His reasons for doing that are personal to him and not due to any cultural obligations. I completely agree with you. OP is appropriately upset here. Even if her husband has innocent/ altruistic reasons for his actions, it's wrong of him to continue to lie and be so secretive and dismissive to his wife.

this is grand delusion!
men would always liaise with the mother of their kids and they would never ever tell their main wives everything going on with the ex-wife. some men would lie they are telling the whole truth but it's not possible. if women don't want to be caught in such situations, do not date/marry a divorcee - especially the ones with kids. the children would always be a constant link to the ex-wife and there would be many issues that would rather be left unsaid to the main wife. any woman expecting her husband to run through everything he is doing with his baby mother is hopelessly deluded!

Here we go again, ile and coogar round one begins

lol, dont accept in relationships what you wont accept in marriage. It doesnt make you a crazy person, just someone who knows what she wants and sticks to it. It is a little bit late to be fumming. You have let him get away with so much. You are also quite passive. I think you somehow secretly thought that if you were pushy, he would not marry you. But then, you would have only been looking out for your own interests. Now you are scared that he has something to do with the ex. Because you know ex's can always easily hookup, plus they seem to have a strong bond for him to be paying all her bills. She has control of him, you dont. ooops! Something done over 5years, cannot be reversed in one day. He probably married you because he can get away with anything. with her? Not so much.Goodluck!

jennykadry: Here we go again, ile and coogar round one begins

Don't mind him. I don't know in what English comprehension class he learned to interpret the OP's post as meaning the wife wants to know "everything the husband is doing with his baby mama."

ileobatojo:
Don't mind him. I don't know in what English comprehension class he learned to interpret the OP's post as meaning the wife wants to know "everything the husband is doing with his baby mama."

you need adult classes.....peruse the op's comment again and read where she felt the hubby is keeping secrets.

coogar:

you need adult classes.....peruse the op's comment again and read where she felt the hubby is keeping secrets.

Still does not mean you need to know EVERYTHING.

BUt things that consern her and the marriage as a union? Absolutely. And in my book, buying clothes for your ex, would consern me a whole lot.

u are not being nosy
however i feel ur hubby is going beyond the remit of being responsible to his kids
He is doing well for the kids but to step further and buy gifts etc welli dont think that is necessary

How empowered r u on ur own.. that to me is the main q
Someone has asked some q.. do u have kids of ur own. if so for him or how?

what did u guys discuss in respect of d kids before u accepted to marry him

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@Op you sound very reasonable

There are so many things in my mind, and i dont really want to spoil your marrage. If truly your husband is sending her gift and paying her bills then something is happening, thats my take.


my last question, is the ex girl married to another man as of now? If not then they are having something private in comon, i wont go further, once fuc.k is always fuc.ked.


The woman must be having sexx with him, if she have not gotten altanative, any other man to service her and take care of her, she will bring it back to your husband, so you see that why i dont encourage marrying single parents.

The children is a link to keep afresh old memories, its very easy for satan to lor them into doing what they use to do in the past.

You see i am still having some kind of feelings with a girl i dated 5years ago, asibeen she had a child for me, you see that child would have been a link for me to her and things can stilll happends old wounds, old things never pass away in the law of emotion.

Hope this help

What is the age gap between u and your husband? You do not HV control of your home ma'am. He bought gift for his ex wife? Find out why he feels he is married to two women and why he feels responsible to his ex wife in regards to roles of a husband? Lol, was ur gift more than hers?

Get actively involved in the lives of your step children. It helps you monitor how much is going out to his other family? Which expense has to stop, and his visiting hours to his ex-wife
Your husband is running two homes, more like a polygamous marriage with the wives living separately. Something is wrong somewhere.
Wait ooo, do u and your husband have a relationship where you share everything with each other? Are issues regarding his first wife the only thing he keeps secret?

Joel.:
There are so many things in my mind, and i dont really want to spoil your marrage. If truly your husband is sending her gift and paying her bills then something is happening, thats my take.


my last question, is the ex girl married to another man as of now? If not then they are having something private in comon, i wont go further, once fuc.k is always fuc.ked.


The woman must be having sexx with him, if she have not gotten altanative, any other man to service her and take care of her, she will bring it back to your husband, so you see that why i dont encourage marrying single parents.

The children is a link to keep afresh old memories, its very easy for satan to lor them into doing what they use to do in the past.

You see i am still having some kind of feelings with a girl i dated 5years ago, asibeen she had a child for me, you see that child would have been a link for me to her and things can stilll happends old wounds, old things never pass away in the law of emotion.

Hope this help

Yeah, it really helped

Wonderful! You want to increase her blood pressure!

OP,

your concern about the communication aspect, I think you are a little nosy! If I were in your shoes, I wouldn't even want him to tell me some things about his ex....like going to visit her etc...when it comes to ex issues, I couldn't careless..I don't wanna start thinking what am not suppose to think about. Afterall, you knew he had an ex and kids before you got into it!

Just try and focus on your self, treat yourself good in the marriage, make your self happy! Since he doesn't wanna disclose some matter with you, let him be! He probably has his reasons.

Poster U have every right to know what goes on in ur family and no u're not being nosy, not at all. Your husband on the other hand does not understand what marriage entails, hence his divorce. I cannot guarantee u an immediate change in his attitude since old habits die hard. Secondly I must commend d mature way u've handled d situation from ur posts, my advice is continue to express ur self bt be careful not to nag, just let him knw dt u're not against his benevolence but u just wish he'll let u in on his plans,monetary or otherwise, as his secretive ways will affect trust in ur marriage. Good luck dear. @Coogar, u're being unduely judgemental IMO

@op, you are not being nosy at all, but from d way things are going on now, i pray what happened to a friend's sister's marriage doesnt happen in your marriage, this is exactly how it happened, minus d kids taken to d hostel, and today, d ex is fully and legally back to d man's life.
This is one of d factors a single person should consider before settling down with divorcee who are already with children. There is an adage in my tribe............."oja ti omo ba ti wo, ekuta ko le woo mo" meaning any relationship that involves children is hard to break. Well, what you can do now is to talk to your hubby and if you dont mind, tell him you will like to know what exactly is happening btwn them, even, if he want to take him back, he should let you know, so that, there wont be any reason for been kept in d dark and also for you to be fully prepared.
Wishing you goodluck, because you really sound like a good woman.

OP your man must've shown these traits since your couting days and you allowed it therefore its done and don't think your almighty will change him , so why raising eyebrows now and kill yourself with HBP? Somebody said its not in Nigerian culture to take on baby mama's needs.. pray tell well you haven't seen much in life then.

It's nothing new OP ( am a product too) , A very well to do Nigerian men will do anything for their baby mamas with absolutely NO strings attached.. confirmed I tell ya!

Face front , that's just his ways( common with Yoruba peeps) and as long as he treats you with respect and prioritize your needs , stop digging what's gonna kill ya in a long run.. make that chapter your blind spot and you'd be fine, he's a divorcee with baggage for crying out loud.. there some things that are better left alone , foolish & unnecessary arguments that will escalate to complex problem is just not worth it.
Don't let anybody stroke your ego cos to each his owns and everybody know how to solve their marriage problems and puts on a poker face and clean mouth like it never happened.

Good luck working on that. Again don't go looking for what you didn't misplace, it's his problem let him deal.

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jidegirl12: OP your man must've shown these traits since your couting days and you allowed it therefore its done and don't think your almighty will change him , so why raising eyebrows now and kill yourself with HBP? Somebody said its not in Nigerian culture to take on baby mama's needs.. pray tell well you haven't seen much in life then.

It's nothing new OP ( am a product too) , A very well to do Nigerian men will do anything for their baby mamas with absolutely NO strings attached.. confirmed I tell ya!

Face front , that's just his ways( common with Yoruba peeps) and as long as he treats you with respect and prioritize your needs , stop digging what's gonna kill ya in a long run.. make that chapter your blind spot and you'd be fine, he's a divorcee with baggage for crying out loud.. there some things that are better left alone , foolish & unnecessary arguments that will escalate to complex problem is just not worth it.
Don't let anybody stroke your ego cos to each his owns and everybody know how to solve their marriage problems and puts on a poker face and clean mouth like it never happened.

Good luck working on that. Again don't go looking for what you didn't misplace, it's his problem let him deal.

You have indeed spoken very well calling for an applause. Her husband cannot almost be questioned about his philanthropic gestures towards his ex-wife, even more inessential is her near vehement demand to unfold his dealing with his kids. I am a very private man, making me reconcile with a private and solitary character like him. More often than not you really need your privacy and some liberty to exercise your will without getting into an interrogatory class.The only legitimate circumstance that would conspicously beg for worry is if the poster is outrightly denied love, conjugal rights and monetary provisions otherwise give him some deserved privacy.