I come in peace oh ( Oga Richy permit me to copy your phrase)
I wonder sometimes when some comments are made here, I am just asking oh. No be fight.
Is it a taboo to have a good marriage/ spouse/ relationship?
I wonder about this because when someone comes and complains about a bad marriage/relationship/ spouse we believe them.
When someone comes and says they have a good marriage/ relationship/spouse we say they are liars, pretenders, internet Nigerians among other terms.

When one says he has a cheating partner we tend to believe more than one who says their partner doesn't cheat. We say "its because you have not caught him/her yet" "every man/ woman cheats"

Even when I sneak into Nairaland these days I find it hard to comment for fear of being labeled unrealistic and a pretender.

My question is:
1. Are things so bad in marriages and relationships that only the worst is beieved?
2. Is it impossible that there will exist spouses and partners who are mature enough to love, respect and make efforts not to hurt their partners?
3. Why is it easy to believe the bad and impossible to accept the good?

debrief08: I come in peace oh ( Oga Richy permit me to copy your phrase)
My question is:
1. Are things so bad in marriages and relationships that only the worst is beieved?
2. Is it impossible that there will exist spouses and partners who are mature enough to love, respect and make efforts not to hurt their partners?
3. Why is it easy to believe the bad and impossible to accept the good?

dear madam,

The reality is that one man's meat is another man's poison
What you think is heavenly in one way is mundane in another way

I guess humans can be cynical and feel that some details are embellished hence the disbelief
I have married friends and i observe them a lot
Some relate to their wives like the women dont know anything
Yet the women will say they have caring husbands..

Traditional African men generally dont respect their spouses and prefer them to be seen and not heard
So when a lady comes and says hey i have a perfect marriage, they snicker

My own sha. what do u think

Lol! Debrief, this your question is pawafu oh!!

Okay the short answer would be – Misery Loves Company!!

The long answer – it is harder to do things that makes people happy than those that make them unhappy.

It is harder to be forgiving,
It is harder to be selfless,
It is harder to be considerate,
It is harder to be helpful,
It is harder to put ego aside,
It is harder to be humble,
It is harder to admit you are wrong.
It is harder to be NICE!

So when we see people who are those things, we think. . . Nah, they've gotta be lying or pretending.

Another thing is we live in a society where roles have been defined – A woman is supposed to act this way and a man is supposed to act this way. . .when either gender tries to break from that, it leads to disbelief in others.

When a woman comes here and tells us her husband is this and that. . .everything that is against our preconceived ideas of what a man is supposed to be, we think. . .Nah, they've gotta be lying or pretending.

When a man comes here and tells us how he recognizes his wife as more than just his wife, he recognizes her as a person . . . cue the name calling and the derision. He is not a man, his wife must have used something on him blah blah blah. Yep, he’s gotta be lying or pretending.

Relationship is about giving and taking...if one person does all the giving all the time, resentment seeps in and they become miserable. In order to cope with that misery, they convince themselves that this is how things should be...it is easier to take when you believe others are living like that. SO when confronted with a reality that is so different from what theirs is, the default thinking is. . .it's gotta be a lie, they are just pretending.

It is that simple.

Good point there.. but not all imperfect marriages as you are saying are miserable

A woman may be content with playing the role of a housewife who is well provided for
So she knows her husband has things on the side and she is well aware as long as her position is well secured (home, businesses, cars etc)
she may overlook such and be ok with things as they are

I agree with most of ur points though

Reminds me of a film i watched where this lady encouraged her friend not to take nonsense froom her hubby
Meanwhile she kneels down to wake her husband and serve him food everyday
When asked she said she can not live with out her husband that she is a ruth

The simple answer is that misery loves company. The people with small brains and/or small scrotal components only find enjoyment in life by believing other people are miserable. Inability to comprehend simple written English also plays a role.

IT DEPENDS ON THE MOTIVE OF THE MARRIAGE FOR BOTH PARTIES...

LOTS OF MARRIAGES ARE ENTERED WITHOUT MUTUAL AGREEMENT, IT BECOMES VERY TOUGH BECAUSE YOU ARE JUDGED FOR BEING MARRIED..

I ALWAYS SAY, LOVE IS NEVER ENOUGH TO KEEP ANY RELATIONSHIP AND I HAVE STUCK TO THAT.

The truth is that, you cannot accept what you do not believe in.
No one can live beyond what he/she believes in.
If you believe you can, then you can and you will accept that others can.
If you believe you cant, you wont and you will believe others cant too.
What we believe in often affects our reasoning and belief.
Generally, some pple often believe that a good marital relationship is often as a result of "juju", hence, no matter how happy you are, they will believe its all lies or pretence.
May God help us all.

It is not a taboo. It is because Nairaland by Moderator's and owners' design is almost largely welcoming to neophytes and Pessimistic 'Garri' and 'first to comment' retards. So much pessimism here is enough to make you think the world has crashed. Take a deep breath and know that Nairalanders opinions begin and end here.

So what's the difference between a good marriage and a perfect marriage? I know for sure both are not the same.

I think it has a lot to do with the way we think and what we feed our mind on. i read a lot of comments here on NL too and people don't ever see the possibility of having a wonderful family. I have a wonderful wife and am proud of her everyday. I call her almost all the time while in office and i send text to her too with"Love you" at the end.You have to make up your mind that you are going to have a wonderful marriage.

I will answer d question when I get married

Another reason why some pple will not believe good marriage possible is because........
There are more pessimists than optimists

It is a taboo to think or believe that good marriages/relationships are taboos

No really likes to hear about ur happiness or success. They only endure it. So when its in a forum where they can be heard and not seen, they will show how ugly their minds are.

Interesting

Ok

The society has allowed somethings to be regarded as normal,ie a cheating husband is permitted,while a cheating woman is frowned at,more reason I like the whites,they believe in living a good life,and having and happily ever after,most married people are simply co-partner,cos they often ENDURE,and not ENJOYED their marital life.

The society has allowed somethings to be regarded as normal,ie a cheating husband is permitted,while a cheating woman is frowned at,more reason I like the whites,they believe in living a good life,and having and happily ever after,most married people are simply co-partner,cos they often ENDURE,and not ENJOY their marital life.

Billyonaire: It is not a taboo. It is because Nairaland by Moderator's and owners' design is almost largely welcoming to neophytes and Pessimistic 'Garri' and 'first to comment' retards. So much pessimism here is enough to make you think the world has crashed. Take a deep breath and know that Nairalanders opinions begin and end here.

But you are always on the front page chasing first comments and playing to the "like me" botton.

Yomieluv: The society has allowed somethings to be regarded as normal,ie a cheating husband is permitted,while a cheating woman is frowned at,more reason I like the whites,they believe in living a good life,and having and happily ever after,most married people are simply co-partner,cos they often ENDURE,and not ENJOY their marital life.

the whites you refer to are actualy serial monogamists
which i dont see the difference from polygamy

Marry A for 10 years, have kids, divorce... child and spousal support
Marry B for 5 years, have kids, divorce... child and spousal support
Marry C for 3 years,no kids divorce... spousal support

Now the trend is now cohabitation

Soem of my friends colleagues (whites) are paying cthis thing for their families in the West hence they dont want to go back home
They like naija

I realized most peep here are bitter either becos theirs isn't working, but I don't blame them most peep here are reflection of what is happening in the real world, its just a pity

Yomieluv: The society has allowed somethings to be regarded as normal,ie a cheating husband is permitted,while a cheating woman is frowned at,more reason I like the whites,they believe in living a good life,and having and happily ever after,most married people are simply co-partner,cos they often ENDURE,and not ENJOYED their marital life.

Like Biola said. Whites are serial monogamist.

its not uncommon to see someone who has been married 8 times and less than 50yrs

There is NO such thing as a perfect marriage but there are horrible marriages,on and off line,IMO.
When you are in a horrible marriage/relationship,you'll find it hard to believe that one can actually enjoy a good marriage. There is no perfect marriage cos there is no perfect individual.
A good marriage is one that acknowledges there are imperfections and is able to work out through bad times.
Perfection is relative so at the end of the day, my marriage is perfect for me and does not have to be perfect in the eyes of others.

Sisi_Kill: Lol! Debrief, this your question is pawafu oh!!

Okay the short answer would be – Misery Loves Company!!

The long answer – it is harder to do things that makes people happy than those that make them unhappy.

It is harder to be forgiving,
It is harder to be selfless,
It is harder to be considerate,
It is harder to be helpful,
It is harder to put ego aside,
It is harder to be humble,
It is harder to admit you are wrong.
It is harder to be NICE!

So when we see people who are those things, we think. . . Nah, they've gotta be lying or pretending.

Another thing is we live in a society where roles have been defined – A woman is supposed to act this way and a man is supposed to act this way. . .when either gender tries to break from that, it leads to disbelief in others.

When a woman comes here and tells us her husband is this and that. . .everything that is against our preconceived ideas of what a man is supposed to be, we think. . .Nah, they've gotta be lying or pretending.

When a man comes here and tells us how he recognizes his wife as more than just his wife, he recognizes her as a person . . . cue the name calling and the derision. He is not a man, his wife must have used something on him blah blah blah. Yep, he’s gotta be lying or pretending.

Relationship is about giving and taking...if one person does all the giving all the time, resentment seeps in and they become miserable. In order to cope with that misery, they convince themselves that this is how things should be...it is easier to take when you believe others are living like that. SO when confronted with a reality that is so different from what theirs is, the default thinking is. . .it's gotta be a lie, they are just pretending.

It is that simple.

*A STANDING OVATION FOR THIS POSTER*
You've said it all,they are managing a bad marriage or relationship so when they see another person having a great relationship which they badly wish they had,they try to downplay what the other person's got and try to make you like them.
'CRAB MENTALITY' i tell ya...

there are good marriages and good relationships. I'm in one. Four of my male friends are. Five of my females friends are married. Some are not in Nigeria. Its about what do you seek for. Some say 4/10 is ok. While some want 8/10 or 9/10. There are real men and real women, there are also the opposite. In my opinion, as a male, seek a lady with the qualities of a wife and has the heart of a mother. In my opinion, as a female, accept a man with the qualities you desire of a husband and has the heart of a father.

ifyalways: There is NO such thing as a perfect marriage but there are horrible marriages,on and off line,IMO.
When you are in a horrible marriage/relationship,you'll find it hard to believe that one can actually enjoy a good marriage. There is no perfect marriage cos there is no perfect individual.
A good marriage is one that acknowledges there are imperfections and is able to work out through bad times.
Perfection is relative so at the end of the day, my marriage is perfect for me and does not have to be perfect in the eyes of others.

GBAM.My take on the issue exactly so no need for long typing.

ifyalways:
When you are in a horrible marriage/relationship,you'll find it hard to believe that one can actually enjoy a good marriage.

See I also think it is a testament to what kind of miserable and bitter character they are. Even if one is in a horrible marriage, there is no reason why they can't be happy for positive stories in other's lives. The fact that their fulfillment and joy in life comes from wanting everyone else to be miserable and refusing to believe otherwise despite having no proof whatsoever, just shows what a despicable human being they are. IMO.


Now if a claim sounds truly outrageous that's another thing. If someone claims their 8 bedroom mansion only has liquid gold water beds with live flying unicorn minstrels serenading their eternal lovemaking sessions, then by all means, express your scepticism.

I really don't think it happens only here on/in Nairaland. Good Marriages/Relationships are not a taboo. Its a problem with humans generally. Maybe jealousy (consciously or unconsciously), or hatred (sometimes for no reason), or even just wickedness. Another could be experiences (personal or from others).

On this: Why is it easy to believe the bad and impossible to accept the good?, I'll say it happens even in other areas of life. Permit me to digress, in politics and governance, this happens especially in Nigeria. However, in as much as so many people will decide in their heart to believe what's not true, there are as well others who will chose to believe otherwise. So spend your resources who will see truth and for those who won't, its their own cup of tea.

One more thing: life itself is not just complex but very complicated.

ifyalways: When you are in a horrible marriage/relationship,you'll find it hard to believe that one can actually enjoy a good marriage.

I do not subscribe to this. When one is in a horrible marriage, he/she will yearn for a good one no matter how terrible he/she may be.

Bad belle fiful full for dis nairaland. Break dia skulls open and u will see a whole lot of sadistic traits gushing out.
Infact some of dia comments can make u commit suicide I dey play o.

But d truth is dat most pple like to see u lament rather than testify positively. They tend to be happier when dey discover ur also in dia inconvinient shoes