Guy, aaaaabeg, where you from come, laugh wan seriously kill me die for here as in ehn. You know sey dem no dey beg sh'it to smell, your story na die.I dey gbadun am no be small.
BTW Charly boy no dey Gbagada again, na Gwarimpa for Abuja Im dey now.

Run run run na wetin my mind dey tell me be that,con see race, it was just as if the current i was charged with while i had my nap was jolting nd pushing me forward,I was just zooming pass tinz like Hussain bolt,but as i dey run with full speed na him ma eyes sight 1000 note on the ground.

I knew i had two options when i saw the crisp thousand naira note,it was either i slow down nd pick it nd get caught or i leave it nd save my dear life,but as a lasgidi chap who will never back off from ojukokoro i slowed down nd picked it up asap nd i was back on my hasty feet.

With my swift feet i was able to maintain a sizeable distance from that muscular pile dat calls himself a man,that man should have come as a robot or better still a truck,within some minutes into the chase he became exhausted so he had no option than to just lemme go,nd in my mind i was like who got the last laff punk.

Then came hunger, i had burned all my internal fuel nd now am totally empty, I could even sense the worms in my sac protesting nd carrying placards nd all, the need to chow dropped heavy on me,the pangs of hunger struck me hard that i just had to scream in the middle of the street (EBI OH) meaning hunger in the yoruba dialect.

Then a remake of fela Anikulapo/Anigbolapo's song ushered itself into my ears nd i just mouthed em out(hunger hunger hunger hunger,hunger hunger hunger hunger hunger till you turn to hungerer)na then i come grab the underlying message embedded in the said song na only if u dey hungry na im u go understand that song wella.

With hunger came headache, i became wholly miserable due to the intense hammering hunger dealt me.

My brain sef no click say i get one thousand naira for hand wey i pick for ground,as i remembered this i just entered into a restaurant nd ordered for four wrap of fufu nd make them pack meat inside plate for me .I was served as if i was a VIP of some sort,the maid presented me the food while on her kneels but i just tot to myself that the respectful act was just some silly strategy they employ to get people to come back here.
The meal was worth five hundred naira so i knew i would still have five hundred naira left with me nd with that i could get to the spot were i was taken from,I had everything well planned out nd na to execute am remain.
I finished the meal nd ordered for a bottle of coke(OROBO) to wash down the morsels of fufu i had tucked into my stomach,I gulped it nd i felt relieved,I felt like i was living the good life.

I dipped my hand into my pocket to bring out the thousand naira note nd when i did, then i knew i was doomed,the crisp note i had picked wasn't of full length,the note was a split, no wonder it was lying around on the street.

I started to panic nd sweat trickled down my face,it was quite obvious dat they were gonna kill me,(POOR ME),I called the maid who knelt down while serving me thinking that since she was respectful and all she would understand nd consider me,but na as if i throw petrol inside fire. She raised the alarm nd instantly her madam came over nd inquired abt what was happening,she narrated the whole ordeal to her oga @ d top nd added that after swallowing four wraps of fufu nd loads of assorted meat i still ordered for a bottle of coke.

U don enter big trouble ooOoo,na to fall on ur knees begin to beg b d best tin!!!!

Laff wan finish hia wey i dey o. lol.
Kip on d gud wrk bro.tanks

Laff wan finish hia wey i dey o. lol.
Kip on d gud wrk bro.tanks 4 making me laff.

I was dragged on the floor all the way to their kitchen nd just ryt in front of me i could see a mountain of unwashed dishes,pans nd pots all staring at me nd waiting to be scrubbed. It was as if they were deliberately piling up d plates nd pans just for me to come around nd wash em all.

But before washing the plates i was instructed to go fetch some water from a lengthy distance nd a rather rough terrain at that,I was escorted to the well by the disrespectful maid, her actions were even fierce nd rude,she showed me pepper, infact i tasted pepper.

After i had filled up the sky high gorodoms(water containers) i sat down right in front of the filthy dishes nd started doling out some serious nd intense scrubbing on them,the plates were just too much that i had to rest nd take breaks @ intervals,while washing the dishes i did (SHORT BREAK) nd even (LONG BREAK).

But at last i overcame the dishes nd came out top,nd i was tossed out of the restaurant nd warned not to ever step in again, i shook my bald head in approval nd took to my heels.

Warri as a city is much more complex nd witty than lagos, coz my experience there is certainly nothing to write home about, but me myself con talk say i no go gree, I had to do something worthwhile nd the thought of what to do just popped up.

The idea raided me nd all i needed was a stick,bowl nd some silly dark shades to act it out,I got myself a stick nd stole one of those kiddies shades wey dey get flower for the rims,I sat on a slab ryt outside a desolate building,stretched out my long stick nd positioned my bowl right in front of me nd with my shades glued onto my face i was set for business, I became a (BANBIALA) or (BEGGER) so to say nd before i knew it someone had dropped a 5 naira note into my bowl,

Wow i never knew begging for alms was a really lucrative business, i always thought warri peeps were the stingy sort but the 5 naira note i had in my bowl dismissed that thought about warri people, so they are really generous after all.

As people passed they dipped their hand into my bowl nd in so doing dropped some naira note, they really thought i was impaired not knowing that i was actually playing a fast one on em, sebi dey talk say warri people no dey carry last ni but in this case they go carry last oh, coz i was going to outsmart the whole of warri.

It was getting dim nd all, so i had to call it quit for the day,with my bowl carefully cupped under my armpit nd my stick stretched out as if it was my third leg, i tricked everyone nd walked like a blind lad.

When i was out of public glare nd all, i settled down in a nearby building with rays of light falling on me, i pulled the bowl out of my armpit nd with the aid of the light rays i set out to count my daily earnings, the first note i took out from the bowl was a thorn one nd i tot of it as a normal thing,the second nd third were thorn notes also,the fourth was a fake note,the fifth was a pretty transparent 10 naira note with the value all washed off,nd the others were severed note that even a cello tape nd super dupa glue won't have any effect on.

Then it occurred to me, warri people don outsmart me again...now who is the punk, nd i said to myself i am the punk for i have been fooled again nd then i said to myself i am finished.

Ride on bro!

LWTMB.. This guy no go kee me

Hate is a pretty strong term so I tend to shun it nd not make use of it even if am hyped to do so,but warri is an exemption to this law coz i HATE the city die.

Warri is a city filled up to the brim with all sort of strange peeps,I strongly believe that the people here are even too smart for their own good,instead of em putting hale nd hearty notes into my bowl,they just dey chuck godforsaken money inside nd the painful part was that i prayed for everyone of them.

Now what am i to do,i had only one option left nd that was to be a labourer for a day,a bricklayer so to say.

I was able to secure the said job nd i was told that i was gonna be given 500 hundred @ the completion of the job,five hundred for carrying cements,bricks nd heavy metal moulds, that's way too small i said to myself but since i had no other option i had to settle for it.

The job was one hell of job,I carried cements nd bricks, as if dat was not enough i had to climb a stair case just to deliver them to the person moulding the building at the top

As I dey carry the cement nd block na in ma body dey warn me,I could feel body pain nd spinal chord stiffness, but as a man in need of money i shrugged em off nd continued with the job,I hail bricklayers dem oh, those guys dey try big tym,no wonder dey puff weed before doing their job.

At last i was through with the Godforsaken job nd the man in charge handed out a five hundred naira note to me,con c body pain wey hold me,my legs were stiff nd my bald head was rocking with explosions,it was as if the BOKO HARAM peeps down north were raiding my body.

I rushed to a pharmacy nearby nd explained to him what had happened,he just blabbed out some silly medical terms nd said to me that i am having a system lockdown,a complete overhaul of my system,the bricks nd blocks had drained me up nd were hammering me up big time.

He gave me some drugs to use nd when he wrote out the bill that i was meant to pay, i just fainted,the whole bill was 450 naira that's like all of the money i had made for that day.

The painful part of it all was that as the guy presented the drugs to me and i instantly took a capsule from each nd used em thinking that the whole summation would be around a 100 naira or so but i was totally wrong coz the drugs claimed all my HARD HARD HARD earned money,it was my had earned money coz I almost killed myself getting it.

Hhahahahahahhahahahaha.... You don wound ma system with laugh... I ''Hate'' it men... Hahahahahhahahahahaha

I just had to let that sour moment i had with the blocks nd cements sail through coz if i choose to zero in my thought on it i might eventually pass out from it.

With fifty naira left with me there was no hope left,I just sit down for floor,while i sat down i reminisced on the past nd those were lovely times though not as lovely as expected but it still surpassed the experience am having here in warri.

Have always hated warri people right from the onset even before i came here,there was this guy back then in my class who always thought he was the real deal coz he was funny,he was stupid nd really dumb, his name was Bright Okpocha(basket mouth),though the guy name na Bright but e no bright @ all e dull like mad, bk then u go think say im brain cells don die,na confirm olodo e be back then, i dey always fumble to the guy say i go make am in life before am, now the guy don blow like C4 nd in money sef don over full basket, nd i dey here they think about my 500 naira note.

Even klint da drunk abi what's he called was in my class,dat one back then na outcast coz e be slowpoke nd now na the guy imbecility dey earn am cool cash,all those act of him portraying himself as a drunk na lie e just dey use that one cover in imbecility.

The most painful part be say back then na me dey carry first for class nd the likes of basket mouth nd that imbecilic guy wey dey call himself klint dey always copy my work for exam nd test.


Before i come warri i went to basket mouth office,you should have seen the queue there,we lined up nd were given number tags,a whole me was given number tag to wear, I raised my voice nd said to the secretary (Do you know who i am),I told the secretary to go nd tell Okpocha that his former school mate wey e dey always copy bk then dey queue outside but instead Okpocha denied me.

This is really getting more interesting welldone o

Na u guyz dey ginger me oh...fenks for the encouraging comments nd all......but the truth be say i don dey run out of ideas...just joking.

Nice work bro. Step on t

I could feel the deadly fangs of hunger embedded deep in the walls of my stomach,my sac was awry nd doing a protest of it own,I could feel my intestines carrying placards and insisting they want a meal but i had nothing to offer them.
I stood thinking and while thinking i saw a swift shadow run pass some bricks,I thought it might be a cat or goat but it passed again nd to my amazement it was a chicken,the plum sort with loads of feather padded on it body.

I lightened up with joy nd said to my famished self,(lunch has just arrived),I positioned my self at an appropriate angle waiting for the chicken to show up so i would grab it nd twist it neck,i had screened the whole perimeter and compound were the chicken came from nd there was no one in,the doors were locked or i thought so nd this afforded me the needed space to carry out my mischievous act.

But this chicken was one hell of a bird,with it's swift feet nd cuny antics it wasn't gonna be a easy catch,it dribbled me to the extent that i would trip nd fall flat on my face nd made me look helpless,then i arrived at the conclusion that warri livestocks were as smart as their warri owners..this God forsaken chicken was the smartest bird have ever tried to steal but i was determined nd flexed up to catch it.

I took a basket nd decided to catch the bird the old school way,I tried tricking it into a circle but the bird wouldn't just heed,I just kept saying to myself u'v gotta catch this silly bird if u are willing to stay alive for today nd with that surging urge in me i kept the fire burning,

I got two baskets instead nd vowed to catch it this time,I threw the first basket nd it dodged it nd while it dodged the first basket i prep'd up the second basket nd threw it right above it nd it landed right on it,I started dancing azonto nd etighi spiced up with some alanta,I was just too happy that i had caught it at last.

And behind me watching me nd my dance steps was the owner of the chicken,he was around all this while nd just stood at a hidden position looking at me,I couldn't run out through the exit coz he had blocked it,then i knew i was in for some serious jungle justice i just wished it wouldn't surpass dat of the (ALUU FOUR).

I went on my knees nd started begging for leniency but the dude just shrugged his big head nd said no to my pleas before i knew it he had raise his voice nd the whole neighbourhood were all on me (ON TOP WETIN).

All coz of one chicken almost thirty people were all on me swearing and cursing nd i thought to my self if na cow i con try steal nko..

U don enter serious trouble.but why now updating since april 7

Hehehehehe! Dat town worry o

Damn! I really enjoyed your command of English ...
Is this fiction?
It's really well laid out .

Peeps abeg make una drop comments for this guy, to encourage him to write more.

Before i could mutter out( OBASANJO OLE) the angry mob were all over me,pelting me with stones and all sort of throwables nd disposables...i felt devastated and all..

They converged nd came to the conclusion that they were going to make a human toast out of my velvet skin,i pleaded with them and told them it was just a chicken, but someone cut me short by saying,that was how ANENIH started out, so i had no option but to keep mute.

I later got to know that the said chicken wasn't even whole, it had a severed leg thus making it incomplete, so na wetin dey won burn me for be this;an incomplete fowl...I DON DIE..

I became all sweaty nd shaky,my limbs became sore nd my breath hastened itself for no reason...so na like this i go die..
The mobs eyes veered from one direction to the other as if in search of something,then the thought flashed right through me,they were searching for a wrecked up tire with which to roast ME..

They searched endlessly for one but couldn't get,then i eased my self up,since they couldn't find a tire that means they have no means of burning me,but before I could say HALLELUYAH to God for making a wrecked up tire such a rare thing to find, someone raised up his filthy hands nd said he has a tire to donate..

You should have seen the tire,it wasn't the regular wheels on mini cars,na dangote tire the idiot donate sey make dem use burn me,and a new one for that matter,with the wrapper nd all still intact,about five hefty men from the crowd pulled the huge tire towards me.

It was towards the end of the subsidy protest nd all, so petrol was pretty scarce back then so they opted for diesel,I even tried to convince them that diesel won't do a perfect job of burning me due to my coarse skin,they should instead lemme go never to come back again, but they insisted on making a french toast out of me..

Then a fierce looking woman donated the match box with which they were gonna light up my dear life,but something just surged up in my brain,an idea came up,the sort with mathematical precision nd accuracy.

I asked for one last wish and they thought it wise to grant me my wish. I called on the man who owned the heavy duty tire nd gave out a soft laugh right up to his face,i told him how stupid he was to have donated a fibre laced tire of enormous money,i relied heavily on my sugar coated tongue to twist and twirl his mind,i asked him if he knew the market value of what he was about giving out,he replied in the positive nd before he could finish his statement i cut him short mid way,i told him about the intended plan of the federal gov't to place a ban on the importation of tires nd told him that this will lead to a high demand in tires nd a high asking price also.

He bit his index finger nd said chai so na money i won throw away so,he told them he was no longer interested in donating his XXL tire nd the dumb mob felt dissapointed nd i felt happy,(why waste such a big tire on me).

As for the chap who donated the diesel,i just told him that since we were in the subsidy period it was advisable he kept the meagre amount of diesel he had nd not waste it on me,he backed out also..

Warri has taught me how to use my wit nd now have outwitted a preferential part of the mob,they later decided to let me go in the spirit of the subsidy era nd warned me not to fvck up again..

Lucky

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Foxy_Ultimate: Lucky

A
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God dey see you o

Kinda escaped death by the whiskers there,the immense sweat that accrued itself while i was under the duress of getting burned eased itself nd my thermo scale dropped nd i became cool once more..

They freed me nd like a lost soul i wandered about as usual like a compass with no bearing,i was exhausted nd all so i could only drag my feet on the dry nd dusty road..the angry mob had drained my energy nd i had become thirsty nd hungry.

It was getting dim nd dark,nd i could see a long queue awkwardly positioned on the side of the road,most of em were showing off their skins nd then the thought occurred to me,; they were prostitutes or better still night crawlers, nd guys were even among them (so man sef dey do ashawo work tufiakpa God forbid bad tin) I started raining curses on them all, particularly the young chaps among them..

While i was busy cursing nd raining insult on em,an idea just popped up in my bald brain,nd i said to myself (why not be an ashawo for a day),i seriously tot of the idea of being a skin vendor for a night nd also the prickly insult i had poured on them, but since i was left with no choice i thought it best to be an ashawo for dat night nd make a quick earning..

I joined the long queue nd waited patiently for a customer to call me,but after waiting for almost three hours i was starting to get tired nd really pissed off,others in the queue had been called nd there i was standing pitiful with tears about to roll down from my moisty eyes.

I was the fat sort with a desert encroachment invading my head, so who go won fvck me,all the others had seen one or two customers but i was still the only one standing with no one to call me,na then i know say i no fine @ all, coz if i fine i for don see customer call me asap..

While hoping nd praying that someone calls me,a eighty year old lady with no molars nd pre molars walked up to me nd gave me a pat on the back,i tot she wanted me to excuse her coz i was blocking her path or something else but instead she asked me how much i would take for a night out with her, na then i know say ashawo no be work..

she was older than my great grand mother nd her skin were all frail nd saggy,,if i should av intercourse with this fragile thing even the gods would be angry with me.

Na die be this oh,how i go nail this kind personz,the old nd fragile lady insisted that i name a price but my conscience wouldn't nail her coz if i were doing it nd she passed out wetin i go talk say happen.

So i had to let the thought flee off.....................thank God they didn't make warri the federal capital territory coz if it had been the capital territory tinz for don spoil..

Rotflmao. . . Dahmn. . U aff suffer

Foxy_Ultimate:

My love... What happened to you na

you dumped me na

Where this guy enter na?

Life has been a bi..tch so far,it has been cruel nd far from pleasant so i tend to contend with the pile of poo that life extends to me.

My exodus from lagos to warri was anchored by my desperate search for a greener pasture, but it seems no matter were u intend to elope to in nigeria the situation remains the same.
I hate this God forsaken nation for it seems tinz don't just work out with us as a nation..
After much thinking i decided to take a stroll down to the cemetary cz na their sure pass for me to sleep,the last time I ventured out nd slept under a bridge i know wetin my eyes see,they raid my body nd took all my clothes that day be like film trick wallahi, but now have wisened up.

Grave yard abi sey na cementry silent oh nd it's really peaceful nd tranquile,no disturbances infact who go disturb u sef afterall deadmen don't talk or walk, dey just lay in the confines of their coffinS abi na casket nd snore till they get to heaven.

I chose a nice spot to sleep on,the slab or tomb or wetin dey dey call am wey i sleep on sef was the best in the graveyard, it was made of polished marbles nd all those shine shine stone,infact the man in that grave was even given an A list preferential treatment after death,flowers were placed on all sides of his grave, na wa oh nd I dey here dey WALL0W in abject poverty nd misery.

I don doze off for were i sleep,infact DOZE na understatement coz i don die (not die as in die gan gan) but die as in sleep, una don grab abi.

I was fast asleep nd then i could hear footsteps trudging up nd down,inside grave yard dead people dey waka i tot this only happens in nollywood films abi yoruba films but in this case it was for real na then I know say I don die tru tru.

Lmao ur own don finish oo


But come o, what's up with the late updates? Hope ure good.