When I got to college, every future plan I heard always included matrimony. With America topping lists of infidelity and divorce, I used to wonder why everyone was so determined to get married. Where they influenced by culture or their religion? Was their marriage or bust mentality due to socioeconomic factors? Or do this people believe in the age old adages of love and soulmates?

I am an Igbo women. Growing up in alaigbo and America, I was taught that marriage is a vehicle that delivered love, financial security, and companionship. I want to know what to other Nigerians think about matriomony. My people, please tell me why we get married.

Like the fact that HIV and AIDS exist has ever stopped people from having unprotected sex?

The kitchen is hot so we all have to stop cooking in it and eat at McDonald's instead abi?

Women may die from child birth so we should stop getting pregnant abi?

People drown in pools, we should not swim anymore abi?

Just one of the options in life.  Divorce and separation may be a deterrent to people who want to get married.  A few of us are still motivated by the 10-25% who have it somewhat good if not the best!

Life is what you make out of it!   If you fear divorce, do not ever bother to get married!  It is always a possibility.

The fact that war kills never stopped soldiers from enlisting in the army all over the world.  We all have choices to make so no problem there.  To each his or her own!


@poster,

To answer your question:

For me, marriage is an opportunity to raise a family in love and mutual respect so that society remains intact-----not a religious requirement take note!.  Only the dysfunctional 75% jumping from one bar to another make it difficult for those who choose to live as married couples. 

OrumbaS89:

When I got to college, every future plan I heard always included matrimony. With America topping lists of infidelity and divorce, I used to wonder why everyone was so determined to get married. Where they influenced by culture or their religion? Was their marriage or bust mentality due to socioeconomic factors? Or do this people believe in the age old adages of love and soulmates?

I am an Igbo women. Growing up in alaigbo and America, I was taught that marriage is a vehicle that delivered love, financial security, and companionship. I want to know what to other Nigerians think about matriomony. My people, please tell me why we get married.

Yes!  Marriage if still a vehicle that delivers love, financial security and companionship. But only for those who truly desire it like the proverbial "holy sacrament".  You can't go into it for the wrong reasons.  You will definitely crash out faster than you crashed in.  It only takes one fool not two!

Choose wisely!


America leads the world in infidelity?  Now that is a joke!

I think for most people, it is due to societal pressure.
'It is the next thing society expects you to do'.
Otherwise, most people would not be under any pressure to marry esp women.

Marriage or no marriage. . . at the end of the day, u are still a nigerian.

every man to his own. If u feel marriage is for u then good for u and if u feel it ain't for u . .good for u as well!

the marriage was arraigned for them or they made a choice to get married

@ Poster

I think you should rephrase your question because from what your posted the real question should be; Should marriage be a necessity? And my answer is NO.
People get married yet would not find love, financial security and companionship, so its all up to the individual, if you don't want to get married then don't!

One thing i don't know is why Nigerians compare the lifestyle of other countries to theirs, every country have their indigenous culture and way of life, not because we are a developing country means that other countries are better than us in every way. All i know that Nigerian marriage last longer because Nigerians value the ethics of marriage more than most developed countries and that is one thing we should be proud of.

babycool:

@ Poster

I think you should rephrase your question because from what your posted the real question should be; Should marriage be a necessity? And my answer is NO.
People get married yet would not find love, financial security and companionship, so its all up to the individual, if you don't want to get married then don't!

One thing i don't know is why Nigerians compare the lifestyle of other countries to theirs, every country have their indigenous culture and way of life, not because we are a developing country means that other countries are better than us in every way. All i know that Nigerian marriage last longer because Nigerians value the ethics of marriage more than most developed countries and that is one thing we should be proud of.

Are you certain about this? Or is marriage just an escape route for most helpless and illiterate women in Nigeria? Many Nigerian marriages may last longer but might not necessarily be happier. More like living in "bondage". Can we call those marriages or indentured servitude?

almondjoy:

Are you certain about this? Or is marriage just an escape route for most helpless and illiterate women in Nigeria? Many Nigerian marriages may last longer but might not necessarily be happier. More like living in "bondage". Can we call those marriages or indentured servitude?

Why? is it only illiterate women that marry in Nigeria? Even the educated and well to do women get married if not for anything at least to improve their status, As for happiness during marriage, i don't think that those who get divorced easily are even happier, most times it is caused by lack of discipline or immaturity, imagine some one getting divorced just because he or she doesnt want to move to any other city with their spouse or because she feels that her husband doesnt spend enough time with her and worse still, either she or he doesnt feel inlove any more and has found someone else, these are things that they would have been able to work out among themselves, yet they chose to back out,what would you say to that? Didnt they think of these things before they walked up to the altar to say 'I do'?

As I said earlier, marriage is not a do or die affair, it takes an high level of patience and maturity to be in a marriage and that i think most westerners don't have that coupled with the kind of society they live in. Nothing works without edurance and self discipline my dear.

[/i]the marriage was arraigned for them or they made a choice to get married [i]

I want to know why. Why is marriage a nesscity? Why does society pressure people to do it?

Me too o, I wan no why people/Nigerians get married.

babycool:

Why? is it only illiterate women that marry in Nigeria? Even the educated and well to do women get married if not for anything at least to improve their status, As for happiness during marriage, i don't think that those who get divorced easily are even happier, most times it is caused by lack of discipline or immaturity, imagine some one getting divorced just because he or she doesnt want to move to any other city with their spouse or because she feels that her husband doesnt spend enough time with her and worse still, either she or he doesnt feel inlove any more and has found someone else, these are things that they would have been able to work out among themselves, yet they chose to back out,what would you say to that? Didnt they think of these things before they walked up to the altar to say 'I do'?

As I said earlier, marriage is not a do or die affair, it takes an high level of patience and maturity to be in a marriage and that i think most westerners don't have that coupled with the kind of society they live in. Nothing works without edurance and self discipline my dear.

I agree with your general theory that marriage is not a do or die affair.  The only problem I have with some of your explanation is that you want to compare Nigerians to Westerners.  A westerner will prove to you that marriage is not a do or die affair.  A Nigerian will prove to you that marriage is a do or die affair including the so called educated ones. The societies are different and cannot be compared side by side by any standards!  Endurance is not stupidity!

The society they live in?  One not reeking with hypocrisy, you mean.  Only very few Nigerians understand what marriage is all about.  It is an expectation or a necessity.  To a westerner, far from it. So to compare both cultures is unfair.  What is the reason for the dismal state of matrimony in Nigeria? Poverty and illiteracy?  You cannot tell me a Nigerian values marriage more than a Westerner.  They just pretend to!  For a westerner, they stick to what is important.  Knowing when to say "I do" and when to say "I don't"! A typical Nigerian has never figured out what that is due to the many handicaps in the society. This applies to both the males and the females! Living life without any definite sense of purpose! Things like illiteracy, gender inequality, backward mentality, poverty and lack of independence or discipline make marriage a do or die affair in Nigeria, thank God not the Western world.  Not to talk of outright desperation and low self esteem!

If I were raised in the western world, marriage WOULD NEVER cross my mind! But because of Nigerian environment. . .I have to deal with it. . .thank God it is working out.  If the case were the reverse, I would rather remain single. I have come to realize that I was lucky to get in when I did. Now that is discipline.  Not a do or die affair at all.  Only when I left Nigeria I understood I could be happy  BY MYSELF.  With the divine ability to choose only those things that can enhance my happiness as a result of my independence.  Nigeria can never offer you that.  As a result, most people get married out of love for tradition and some desperate means to survive since they cannot take care of themselves!

It takes a disciplined mind to deal with marriage, yes!  Including getting out of it when you know you got in there for the wrong reasons, in the first place.  I love westerners for that!  Nigerians will remain in that marriage and commit more havoc in the name of the holy matrimony.  Which is worse?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
why not ask the question the other way round? Why don't people want to get married? Because they can never be committed to one person, they tend to like to sleep with who they like - and as namy as they like - so to prevent this, people get married and find happiness in that special person - rather than finding misery from moving from one relationship to the other - isint it simple?

for once in ur life u have given a very good ansa

am not sure about people. . .but this is MY view:
. to have legitimate partner
. father for my children
. someone to talk to, someone who will stay there and listen, no matter how i nag
. someone to wake up to in the morning, and rest assured he'll be there in the night
. someone you can get mad at but will never walkout on me
. someone to love me for who i am and what i'll become
. someone to share my account with
. someone i can trust and trust to be honest
. someone i can call mines even when he's embarrassing
. someone i love/ loves me equally/ loves my children

more reason i wish to keep to myself

morenike09:

am not sure about people. . .but this is MY view:
. to have legitimate partner
. father for my children
. someone to talk to, someone who will stay there and listen, no matter how i nag
. someone to wake up to in the morning, and rest assured he'll be there in the night
. someone you can get mad at but will never walkout on me
. someone to love me for who i am and what i'll become
. someone to share my account with
. someone i can trust and trust to be honest
. someone i can call mines even when he's embarrassing
. someone i love/ loves me equally/ loves my children

more reason i wish to keep to myself

Nwam . . . u deserve all these and more.

4Him:

Nwam . . .

thanks. . .oh, so that's how you spell it. . now i know

What do you lot think of arranged marriages? I'm personally quite disturbed by them and their popularity in Nigeria.

[b]I think most of y'all have answered the question already.

Most Nigerians get married because of what people say to them or what people think. I have a friend who went back home, she's just 22. She was really embarrassed by the way her friends ridiculed her all because she said she's not in a relationship. Most of her friends within the age range of 22-25 are all married with kids, they started making fun of her, some of them even volunteered to take her to their pastor because they think someone is behind it, I mean, how fuked up is that?!!!

You will see a 25 yr old single woman, panicking because she doesn't have a man, yea u should be concerned, but will u kill yourself if d right man doesn't come your way? does that mean u should jump on d next available bus?
I believe marriage should be about what makes u happy and not what the society thinks, but these days people don't get married because of happiness or love. You can imagine someone going to Nigerian to go get married, and the person she married is not someone she's know for a year, not even 6 months, and I ask myself, WHAT D FUK?!

If u look at it, it's a really sad case, especially among us Nigerians. How parents won't let us date when we're young but once we're 25 or older they bring up d marriage issues like good men just hang on trees and all u gotta do is pluck them!

One of my friend got married to some guy in Nigeria, he's still a student trying to survive, she's just 23, she just went home and got married to him, now she's pregnant, they're having marriage issues, all d guy cares about is how he's going to make it into d US, it's really messed up!

They say if u're in Rome, u have to behave like a Romanian, abi how them dey take talk am, most people just leave Nigeria they are still not enlightened, people need to really change the way they think when it co mes to marriage, it's a lifetime investment, don't just rush into it because someone said so or because u think people will see u as a loser! take your fuking time!!! [/b]

dont worry

i dont plan on getting married

almondjoy:

I agree with your general theory that marriage is not a do or die affair.  The only problem I have with some of your explanation is that you want to compare Nigerians to Westerners.  A westerner will prove to you that marriage is not a do or die affair.  A Nigerian will prove to you that marriage is a do or die affair including the so called educated ones. The societies are different and cannot be compared side by side by any standards!  Endurance is not stupidity!

The society they live in?  One not reeking with hypocrisy, you mean.  Only very few Nigerians understand what marriage is all about.  It is an expectation or a necessity.  To a westerner, far from it. So to compare both cultures is unfair.  What is the reason for the dismal state of matrimony in Nigeria? Poverty and illiteracy?  You cannot tell me a Nigerian values marriage more than a Westerner.  They just pretend to!  For a westerner, they stick to what is important.  Knowing when to say "I do" and when to say "I don't"! A typical Nigerian has never figured out what that is due to the many handicaps in the society. This applies to both the males and the females! Living life without any definite sense of purpose! Things like illiteracy, gender inequality, backward mentality, poverty and lack of independence or discipline make marriage a do or die affair in Nigeria, thank God not the Western world.  Not to talk of outright desperation and low self esteem!

If I were raised in the western world, marriage WOULD NEVER cross my mind! But because of Nigerian environment. . .I have to deal with it. . .thank God it is working out.  If the case were the reverse, I would rather remain single. I have come to realize that I was lucky to get in when I did. Now that is discipline.  Not a do or die affair at all.  Only when I left Nigeria I understood I could be happy  BY MYSELF.  With the divine ability to choose only those things that can enhance my happiness as a result of my independence.  Nigeria can never offer you that.  As a result, most people get married out of love for tradition and some desperate means to survive since they cannot take care of themselves!

It takes a disciplined mind to deal with marriage, yes!  Including getting out of it when you know you got in there for the wrong reasons, in the first place.  I love westerners for that!  Nigerians will remain in that marriage and commit more havoc in the name of the holy matrimony.  Which is worse?

Point of correction sis AJ, i never compared the Nigeria ways to the western world, they are incomparable! All am trying to imply is that it seems like the western people feel that marriage is like a bed of roses but as soon as they discover that it's not what they insinuated, they just opt out immediately without making much effort to sort it out and they term it as; Irreconcilable differences but I agree with you on the aspect that some Nigerians feel that marriage is a do or die affair because as a man or woman in Nigeria, it gets to a certain age when you will be stigmatised for being single, when you tell people your age and you tell them that you are still single, they look at you like there's something wrong with you. As for me, am still single, i will like to get married when i meet someone that will give me reason to, i hate divorce so for now i intend to keep enjoying my single life   

Check the following existing threads at below:

How Necessary Is Marriage?
https://www.nairaland.com/nigeria/topic-74438.96.html

How Do You Know When You Found The Right Man/Woman, that God,
https://www.nairaland.com/nigeria/topic-1753.0.html

FactorChic:

I think most of y'all have answered the question already.

Most Nigerians get married because of what people say to them or what people think. I have a friend who went back home, she's just 22. She was really embarrassed by the way her friends ridiculed her all because she said she's not in a relationship. Most of her friends within the age range of 22-25 are all married with kids, they started making fun of her, some of them even volunteered to take her to their pastor because they think someone is behind it, I mean, how fuked up is that?!!!
You will see a 25 yr old single woman, panicking because she doesn't have a man, yea u should be concerned, but will u kill yourself if d right man doesn't come your way? does that mean u should jump on d next available bus?
I believe marriage should be about what makes u happy and not what the society thinks, but these days people don't get married because of happiness or love. You can imagine someone going to Nigerian to go get married, and the person she married is not someone she's know for a year, not even 6 months, and I ask myself, WHAT D FUK?!

If u look at it, it's a really sad case, especially among us Nigerians. How parents won't let us date when we're young but once we're 25 or older they bring up d marriage issues like good men just hang on trees and all u gotta do is pluck them!
One of my friend got married to some guy in Nigeria, he's still a student trying to survive, she's just 23, she just went home and got married to him, now she's pregnant, they're having marriage issues, all d guy cares about is how he's going to make it into d US, it's really messed up!

They say if u're in Rome, u have to behave like a Romanian, abi how them dey take talk am, most people just leave Nigeria they are still not enlightened, people need to really change the way they think when it co mes to marriage, it's a lifetime investment, don't just rush into it because someone said so or because u think people will see u as a loser! take your fuking time!!! [/b]

Never seen a lady so pissed about marriage, baby take am easy oh, na so e be!

people (not only Nigerians) get married:

because they're in love

because they want to settle down

etc etc.

babycool:


All am trying to imply is that it seems like the western people feel that marriage is like a bed of roses but as soon as they discover that it's not what they insinuated,

they just opt out immediately without making much effort to sort it out and they term it as; Irreconcilable differences 

i hate divorce so for now i intend to keep enjoying my single life   

Before nko? That your perception of the typical westerner is grossly misinterpreted and highly erroneous!

You think that is how westerners feel? Western people think that marriaige  "is like a bed of roses"? . . . .  "And opt out immediately". . . .you bet your sweet potatos they opt out immediately instead of fooling themselves like Africans.  That is why they are so much smarter than "we black folks"!  One of the many reasons. . . the black race will never see progress. he he he he he he he he I am sorry to say. . . you underestimate the westerners!  You think they base ideas of  progress on primitive sentiments like Nigerians?

Suffering and smiling mentality!  Trust me, the most stupid "westerner" has figured out what works in a marriage and what does not, light years ahead, than a typical African/black before getting out.  They are not used to "sufferhead" lives like people in Africa who attach importance to fairy tales and baseless unions!  We can't blame Nigerians for the way they think, since it is just the nature of the "curse".  Lack of an independent mind! Westerners are quick to think and do not waste their time worrying about what the world will say or think.  Instead the typical African will stay in a marrriage. . .especially Nigerians to mind everyone else's business but theirs!  Gosh!  I live with them so I should know! One of the many reasons I respect them. . . no hypocrisy or sufferhead for their matter at all.

Point of correction. . . .not at all.  They just feel it shouldn't be like "farm work" without tools to work with either!  Big difference!    I am sure no one loves divorce.  For most people it is the only logical option! They had no reason getting married in the very first place.  The only difference is that westerners recognize that while Africans just like the "suffering and smiling" thingy.  To impress who? I really don't know, especially when the whole world can see that the marriages are shams!

Abeg, siseeeeeeeeeeee, enjoy yourself jare!. . . Nothing deey for inside the matter!  All na noise.  Anyone can be happy with himself or herself. . .that is the bottom line!   It is not a matter of life and death ANYWHERE in the world! Like I said, if I were to do it all over again. . .I would not even dream of it. . . for one simple reason. . .too many responsibilities.  I hate that! To think you have to be responsible for more than just yourself has just about left me bewildered.  Thank God for the love and family part of it.  But  gurrrrrrrrrrrrrrrl, I no go try am again if I come back to this world, lai lai!   Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm! 

You worry about people you cannot control. . . children especially till you die!   Gosh!  I really hate that!  Responsiblities! Hmmmmmmmmmm!  By force! That is the most difficult part. You worry about husband, worry about children, worry about yourself. . . too much! Till you enter inside, then you begin to wonder! Too late to get out when it is "salvageble". If it weren't for me. . . and I do not get the co-operation I need to make things work. . . I am so out of there! Wild horses can't keep me in an unhappy marriage. I will definitely leave on the grounds of those famous "irreconcilable" differences. I do not do the hypocritic suffering and smiling marriage sham at all! Not for this one life I have to live oooooooh. Lai lai! It can't happen! I will definitely leave if I feel it is not workble! Shikena!

You think irreconcilable differences are fictitious reasons?  Infact. . . no more to add to this discussion.

Goodluck to all!

for once in your life u have given a very good ansa

Chingy

well its part of our culture

western marriafes fail because of 2 reasons. one someone commited a crime or lied and two infidelity. the second one causes 80% of divorces. its not tolerated in the slightest

so that we can be MRS,

Marriage is no vehicle that deliver no love.
I see marriage as a Garbage in Garbage out, what you bring into it is what yu will get.
However, i think most marriages started wrongly, a man see a babe with nice figure and imagine her in bed for life, however, forgeting that the heart means a lot, and the woman see a guy with nice ride, and now see comfort, forgeting that the ride cld belongs to someone else.
People needs to be real, be open and be willing to go thru thick and thin together.