Jokes Crib - Jokes Etc (3) - Nairaland
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| Re: Jokes Crib by liljboy(m): 6:46pm On Nov 04, 2013 |
NTA NETWORK NEWS Headlines: 1. Eclipse; Boko Haram claims Responsibility 2. Don't use Eclipse to intimidate our son... Edwin Clark tells North 3. US to help Nigerians fight future Eclipse.Barack Obama 4. Nigeria Spent 950 Billion Naira on sun shades during Eclipse 5. FED GOVT. set up Eclipse monitoring committee to be headed by Asari Dokubo 6. Eclipse minister bought 2 armored anti Eclipse Vehicles to protect self. 7. Warri boys steal goods worth 25million naira from market during eclipse. 8.Eclipse: APC to GEJ; Eclipse has weakened Nigerians confidence in your Government. 9. Eclipse was a major setback to negotiation with FG, strike continues...ASU U 10.Patience Dame "Eclipse was a very intresting muvie I enjoys it.. |
| Re: Jokes Crib by liljboy(m): 10:54am On Nov 15, 2013 |
ASUU do gud oo..e do gud, ASUU wey giv us strike...e do gud, ASUU wey mek us stay, @home... e do gud, dey chop mama thank u... e do gud, dis strike dey sweet well well... e do gud, sum pple don join yahoo... e do gud, sum don dey do ashawo... e do gud, sum dey do gateman... e do gud, wia some dey look 4 husband... e do gud, me don dey sing nonsense... e do gud, wia u dey listen 2 nonsense... e do gud, me and u who get sense... e do gud, u dey dance as I dey sing... e do gud, abeg who knw wen strike go end... e do gud, me don even ask google... e do gud, even TB joshua no knw... e do gud, e cum be google go knw??... e do bad, I tink Gudluck go knw... e do worse, infact am heading 2 Aso rock... e do Gud our ex- ASUU presido don die, them do worst na wthin go come happen, till next year. |
| Re: Jokes Crib by liljboy(m): 11:33am On Nov 15, 2013 |
In church one Sunday, pastor almost killed me! He began the sermon; 'it is time to say HI to your neighbours, shake hands and get to know one another. I said hello to the persons sitting on my left and right, we introduced one another and they both said they came from Egypt. Preaching began and pastor decided to preach from Exodus 14:13, telling us how God saved the Israelites from the Egyptians. Problem was that there were Egyptians on my left and right. I was thinking; how do these two Egyptians feel, knowing that their people were the baddest guys in this bible verse? Well, i just sat on my own keeping mute. The next thing, pastor shouted; "the Egyptians made the people of God suffer for years! I said they made them suffer!! Turn to your left and right!!! And tell your neighbour, the Egyptians you see today, you shall see no more!!!!" TROUBLE! If you were in my position, what would you have done? |
| Re: Jokes Crib by Nobody: 2:36pm On Nov 15, 2013 |
Wow, please keep them coming... So o funny! 1 Like |
| Re: Jokes Crib by liljboy(m): 8:04am On Nov 16, 2013 |
TEACHER: What is the full meaning of MATHS?.. STUDENT: Mentally Affected Teachers Harassing Student. GUY: Thieves broke into my house last nite, searching for money.. FRIEND: What did u do?.. GUY: I woke up&started searching wit them POLICEMAN: Sir why did U set those vehicles on fire. GUY: Because my doctor said I should burn more Car-Lorry TEACHER: Oxygen was first discovered in the year 1772.. GUY: But what were people breathing before that year? PROSTITUTE: Oga U wan do?.. GUY: If only u go do am like my wife.. PROSTITUTE: Yes na! How she dey do am?.. GUY: She dey do am for FREE 911: Hello, What is your Emergency?.. GUY: Please can u call me back, i don't have much airtime on my Phone. |
| Re: Jokes Crib by liljboy(m): 1:39pm On Nov 16, 2013 |
*If 2face advertise contraceptives, no buy am, na fake. *If Akala sells bleaching cream, abeg rush am, na Original. *If Dame Jonathan dey teach English Language, abeg comot your child from that school, it is highly dangerous. *If Chelsea see an open net chance, don't panic because na Torres. *If armed robbers visit Emirate Stadium, they won't go to the trophy room becoz no recent trophies. * If Man Utd get penalty wey no worth am, look well na Howard Web b the referee *If Jonathan make any threat, check well, na subsidy. *If Boko Haram threatens, bros take cover, life no get part 2. *If timaya advertise school, no carry ur pikin go there or else na correct Aba pidgin go full him skull. *If dangote give una jewelry, abeg rush am oh, na confirm gold but if he cum giv garri, abeg no take am, na cement. *If u hear election tribunal, na APC, against PDP. Right or Wrong?.... If Terry G dey advertize bonanza 4 any promo...abeg run#na 'Free' madness promo b dat 1 Like |
| Re: Jokes Crib by Nobody: 1:50pm On Nov 16, 2013 |
I don laff tire o  |
| Re: Jokes Crib by liljboy(m): 10:01pm On Nov 16, 2013 |
Mellin: I don laff tire ohold ur horses. . More dey come |
| Re: Jokes Crib by Mamacita007(f): 10:16pm On Nov 16, 2013 |
llloooooooll jboy im following ur thread. nice jokez 1 Like |
| Re: Jokes Crib by sweetiePe(f): 12:38am On Nov 17, 2013 |
LOL funny! Akpos was taking his final exam at Police College in Kano. Here is one of the questions: "You are on patrol in the outskirts of Kano when an explosion occurs in the township. On investigation you find a large hole has been blown in the footpath and there is an overturned van lying nearby. Inside the van there is a strong smell of alcohol. Both occupants a man and woman are injured. You recognize the woman as the wife of your Divisional Inspector, who is at present away on a Peace Making Mission In Sudan. A passing motorist stops to offer you assistance and you realize that he is a man who is wanted for armed robbery. Suddenly a man runs out of a nearby house, shouting that his wife is expecting a baby and that the shock of the explosion has made the birth imminent. Another man is crying for help, having been blown into an adjacent Canal by the explosion, and he cannot swim. Describe in a few words what action you would take?" Akpos thought for a moment, picked up his pen, and wrote: "I would take off my uniform and mingle with the crowd, do you want to turn me to a mad man?" More Jokes . Funny Photos 1 Like |
| Re: Jokes Crib by Nobody: 8:05am On Nov 19, 2013 |
sweetiePe: LOL funny! Lol..very funny. I've got something for you dear, check your inbox and reply me. Cheers! |
| Re: Jokes Crib by liljboy(m): 12:10pm On Nov 19, 2013 |
Pipsland78:hmmmmm some guys sef. . . Woman wrapper. . . So for all this jokes wey i post here na her own sweet pass because u jst won get her attention. . . . *in sinzu's voice* I cry for u, am so sorry for u. |
| Re: Jokes Crib by youngdjchris(m): 7:11am On Nov 20, 2013 |
mehn dat1 dey, bt evaly u go do dsame tin na, ah lie? |
| Re: Jokes Crib by youngdjchris(m): 7:43am On Nov 20, 2013 |
ASUU students are rily enjoying dis strike |
| Re: Jokes Crib by liljboy(m): 11:30am On Nov 20, 2013 |
youngdjchris: mehn dat1 dey, bt evaly u go do dsame tin na, ah lie?welcome |
| Re: Jokes Crib by PrettySpicey(f): 2:43pm On Nov 20, 2013 |
As always lil jboy u know how to deliver. |
| Re: Jokes Crib by liljboy(m): 7:24pm On Nov 20, 2013 |
PrettySpicey: As always lil jboy u know how to deliver.. . . As long as u go dey read am. |
| Re: Jokes Crib by Ephyartz: 12:03am On Nov 22, 2013 |
rib crackn. D autmatic pad removal tn z still makn me laff. Cant stop laffn. Gud job man. 1 Like |
| Re: Jokes Crib by liljboy(m): 9:09am On Nov 23, 2013 |
I was coming home saturday evening after a hectic day and found a small bag on the ground. I opened it and behold what I found inside; $20,000 dollars!! Fear first catch me, but I took the bag home and when ...I emptied It, I found some Documents, ID card, ATM card and an Iphone. I thought about throwing the sim away and keep the phone and also dispose the documents and keep the money. After a long thought, I decided to leave things as they were, hoping that the owner would call. Not long after a call came through on the Iphone, I picked and talked with the caller. Apparently it was the owner of the bag coz he named absolutely every content of the bag. We met afterwards and i handed him the bag. he offered me $2,000 dollars but I turned it down , he collected my number and i left. Yesterday he called me and offered me a job at Chevron worth 750,000 Naira per month, a 3 bedroom flat fully furnished, and a 2012 BMW X6 As I was smiling and testing the car my brother just slapped me and said "Oya Oya Oya okoro Wake up!! Food is ready!" |
| Re: Jokes Crib by liljboy(m): 10:56pm On Nov 23, 2013 |
Boy: Do you have a boyfriend? Girl: Nope;I don't want to have a boyfriend. Boy: Gen. 2:18 The Lord God said,“It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.” Girl: But I don't love you. Boy: 1 John 4:8 "Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love." Girl: And how do I know you mean those words? Boy: Matthew 12:34 "For out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks." Girl: But how can I be sure that you're loyal and honest? Boy: Mark 13:31 "Heaven and earth will pass away, but my words will never pass away." Girl: But why me? There are a lot of girls out there! Boy: Proverbs 31:29 "Many women do noble things, but you surpass them all." Girl: But what is in me that you like? Boy: Song of Solomon 4:7 "You are altogether beautiful, my darling; there is no flaw in you." Girl: But I'm not all that beautiful...you 're exaggerating. Boy: Proverbs 31:30 "Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised." Girl: What happens if I say yes? Boy: Genesis 2:24 "Therefore man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh." Girl: How come you know the scriptures this much? Boy: Joshua 1:8 " This book of the Law shall not depart from your mouth, but you shall meditate on it day and night, so that you may be careful to do all that is written in it. For then you will make your way prosperous and you will have good success." Girl: wooow, I can see u really love God. Boy: Psalm 34:8 "Oh, taste and see that the Lord is good! Blessed is the man who takes refuge in Him. Girl: hmmmh! Ok please give me time to think about it. Boy: Philippians 4:8 "Finally brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things." Girl: aw! I love you already Boy: Revelation 22:21 "Amen!" |
| Re: Jokes Crib by liljboy(m): 11:09pm On Nov 23, 2013 |
Jonathan met with the Queen of England. He asked her, "How do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips u can give to me? I want to help Nigeria." "Well," said the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people." Jonathan frowned, and then asked,"But how do i know the people around me are really intelligent?" The Queen replied, "Oh, that's easy, you just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle." The Queen pushed a button on her intercom. "Please send David Cameron in here, would you?" David Cameron walked into the room and said,"Yes, your majesty?" The Queen smiled and said, "Answer this riddle. David, your mother and father have a child, it is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?" Without pausing for a minute David Cameron answered, "that would be me." "Yes, very good," said the Queen. Jonathan went back home to ask his Vice President Sambo. JONATHAN: Answer this. Your mother and your father have a child, it's not your brother and it's not your sister, who is it? SAMBO: "I'm not sure, let me get back to you." He asked all his staff in the Office but none could give him an answer. Finally, one day, VP Sambo ran into Dora Akunyili. Sambo asked, Dora, SAMBO: Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or sister, who is it?" Dora answered sharply, "That's easy, its me!" Sambo smiled,and said "Thanks!" Then he went back to speak with President Jonathan. Sambo: Sir, I have the answer to that riddle, It's Dora Akunyili! Jonathan got angry,he said to Sambo. "No wonder Nigeria isn't moving forward, I am surrounded by Dummies! The answer is David Cameron!" WHO IS MORE INTELLIGENT? |
| Re: Jokes Crib by liljboy(m): 11:29pm On Nov 23, 2013 |
Goodluck Jonathan, David Mark, Obasanjo and former miss world Agbani Darego are traveling in a train. The train suddenly goes through a tunnel and it gets completely dark. Suddenly there is a kissing sound and then a slap! The train comes out of the tunnel. David Mark and Obasanjo are sitting there looking perplexed. Goodluck Jonathan is bent over holding his face, which is red from an apparent slap. All of them remain diplomatic and nobody says anything. David Mark is thinking: "These men are all crazy after Agbani Darego". Goodluck Jonathan must have tried to kiss her in the tunnel. Very proper that she slapped him. Agbani Darego is thinking: "Goodluck Jonathan must have moved to kiss me, and kissed Obasanjo instead and got slapped." Goodluck Jonathan is thinking: "Damn it, Obasanjo must have tried to kiss Agbani Darego, she thought it was me and slapped me." Obasanjo is thinking: "If this train goes through another tunnel, I could make another kissing sound and slap Goodluck Jonathan again". 1 Like |
| Re: Jokes Crib by liljboy(m): 7:21am On Nov 25, 2013 |
One day a man decided to surprise his wife. He took all day to bake a cake in the shape of a big HEART with the help of the house girl. The house girl asked him what the shape meant and he simply said "LOVE". The wife came back shouting at the house girl when she met her sleeping. The Wife: Will you get up now! silly girl what have you been doing since morning? Maid: Madam don't be angry please. Me and oga have been making LOVE since morning. Is just now that we finished. I then said i should lie down and rest a little. The woman fainted. |
| Re: Jokes Crib by Nobody: 8:37am On Nov 25, 2013 |
PrettySpicey: As always lil jboy u know how to deliver. I've replied your mail dear, check your inbox. |
| Re: Jokes Crib by PrettySpicey(f): 11:17am On Nov 25, 2013 |
lil jboy: Jonathan met with the Lmao. OMG! That is so true of the people at d top in Nigeria. |
| Re: Jokes Crib by PrettySpicey(f): 11:21am On Nov 25, 2013 |
lil jboy: Goodluck Jonathan, hmm, i know d origin of that joke. But i gotta say i love d way u used it. Way to go, jboy. |
| Re: Jokes Crib by PrettySpicey(f): 11:21am On Nov 25, 2013 |
lil jboy: Goodluck Jonathan, hmm, i know d origin of that joke. But i gotta say i love your concept beta. Way to go, jboy. |
| Re: Jokes Crib by PrettySpicey(f): 11:24am On Nov 25, 2013 |
Pipsland78: Pipsland, who d heck r u? N wat d heck r u talking about? |
| Re: Jokes Crib by Nobody: 11:57am On Nov 25, 2013 |
PrettySpicey:Dont mind him, he keeps recycling old jokes. |
| Re: Jokes Crib by liljboy(m): 8:18pm On Nov 25, 2013 |
Pipsland78:attention seeker. . . Used tampon. |
| Re: Jokes Crib by liljboy(m): 11:05am On Dec 14, 2013 |
A young girl about to go on a 1st date with her boyfriend was been tutored by her grandma. "He will try to kiss you, allow him. He will try to cuddle you, allow him. He will try to lay you down and get on top of you, don't allow him". The girl asked; Grandma why?. The Grandma said; Because if you do that, you have allowed him to disgrace you and your family. The Girl said "okay" and left. Several hours later she returned and the grandma asked; How did it go?. The Girl said; Exactly as you said except when he laid me down and tried to disgrace our family, I turned him over, got on top of him and disgraced his family. |
| Re: Jokes Crib by liljboy(m): 9:52am On Dec 16, 2013 |
If "ONLY" Nelson Mandela was a Nigerian?? I am beginning to think South African's are not so creative? Had Madela been Nigerian....hmm mmm; 1. The corpse will stay in the morgue for 5yrs to enable government prepare for "befitting" burial. 2. Government will set up burial planning committee with power to award contracts to construct new roads leading to Mandela's home town, construction of new airport, importation of bullet proof hearse that will carry the corpse, construction of new stadium for burial reception, new presidential jet, etc., 3. The national Assembly will pass new budget to accommodate burial expenses. 4. There will be a national aso ebi (uniform) imported from Holland, which will be made compulsory for every Nigerian to buy, sew and wear. 5. During the 5 years of mourning, Governors, traditional rulers, students bodies will struggle to book for appointments to visit and pay condolence to Mr President. 6. New slangs will emerge, for instance yoruba greetings will start, e ku Madiba o, eku iku Mandela! 7. Our networks will produce new caller tunes...."to hear Madela's last breath, press 1, to hear the last word he spoke, press 2,", etc. 8. New products will emerge, egg...Madiba zobo drink, Madiba pure water, Madiba magic soap/cream. 9. Our musicians  ahh!!! 5 albums daily in praise of the icon! 10. New born babies will be named after him. 11. Pastors will start seeing vision of how Mandela met them and sent a message to the world through them!!! ALL IN A WAY TO EXTORT MONEY, MAKE NAME AND BE RELEVANT!!!!! 1 Like |
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