Kudos to u guys for d Good work.Pls I need matured advice.Sorry for the Long story,Am 26,working and d next step right now for me is marriage.I v a Boyfriend who his struggling and shuttles between UK and Nigeria(it has not been easy),since getting a good job here in Nigeria has been very difficult.He has his many flaws(but I know am not perfect too).Here lies the problems,his family,the ex girlfriend,and time factor.I am hoping to settle down soon.From my view I don't think his family members like me,am a reserved person but even at that they never really made an effort to know me,I always wondered what d reason could be until d father embarrased me one day because he claimed I greeted him shabbily(which has always been d way I v always greeted him),on that day I observed a gal living their premises and later found out the gal was my boyfriend's ex and she was d reason he did that.That was where the whole problem started cos my boyfriend made the mistake of making it very clear to his dad that he wouldn't tolerate him treating me in that manner.And the whole thing went d wrong way.They settled d issue but I noticed his immediate elder brother became cold towards Me and ignored me whenever possible even in public.Before he traveled he called his parents and told them that I am the lady he wants to marry and they should try and bring me closer cos am a very shy person.When he left,I visited for somewhile but I just never felt comfortable no matter how I tried and stopped going for somewhile.The next time I tried going I saw my boyfriend's elder sister and the ex girlfriend coming out from their compound,I hid and allowed them go and turned back home.I tried breaking up wt my boyfriend that day over this issue but he made me realise and even prove that he had nothing to do wt her anymore and he was not aware she still visited.I never returned to the house anymore.Now my bf is back and he wants me to visit,I did,but I still got that unwanted vibe from everybody(I know I might be wrong but I doubt it).What bothers me is this am not yet married into their family and am being treated like this.Is it that they want the ex over me?I really want to break up wt my boyfriend cos I can't bear not to even have a relationship wt his family but am scared to move on and am also scared of how he might react and what this will cause if we don't eventually part ways.Have tried finding a mutual ground where I can relate with them but its just not happening and they are not helping or even reaching out.Anytime I think about it I get scared cos this is just one of the obstacles in our way,if we can't get past this I don't think I can give it a shot.I just feel like moving on but age is not on my side anymore.And this is the one man that has shown me genuine love(he has his flaws but I know I can deal wt them and am also not perfect).

This is a big one here, you really need to sit down and think it all out, you going ahead to marry him with his family not in support of ur union is gona big problem. Its obvious you aren't welcomed at all by any member of his family and the ex is the one welcomed. My question is will that lady remain an ex or will she b a wife soon right under your nose? My dear it doesn't look like you got a bright future in that family. It all still boils down to your choice,taking chances and marry your guy and having family issues or you just face reality and opt out. Whatever you decide have this in mind that " A broken relationship is better than a broken marriage ".

Uhmmm the same way mine mum was treated before she got married to mine dad, i will advice to draw closer to the family most esp his mum and sisters try your best to be close to them visit them, and try and be open mined dont act shy towards them, but if the treatment still cont break up with him because you cant handle what you will experience in the marriage am saying these out of experience goodluck.

Well, it's not a matter of age not being by your side or having your own flaws. There is a challenge here and the challenge is that your boyfriend's family prefers his former girlfriend over you for obvious reasons. But have you for once asked him why he parted with the girl in question? Have you tried to talk things out with the girl? Just try and gather some information then get back to us. I can't just advice you to back off. You must learn to face your challenges in life and not run away from them. But to face challenges, you must be strong especially spiritually.

Thanks tayour and imprida

@eyencalabar,he claimed the girl sleeps around with anybody that has cash.Thought he was just badmouthing her but he made me speak with one the girl's ex close friend who confirmed the story.

If the family dont like you, be careful. Also, who is to say the ex-friend is not a liar? So many people have been lied on by an ex friend out of jealousy. Dont count on that. He needs to talk to his ex first, and tell her to keep her distance. You need the space to get to know these people and for them to love you. If it so happens that you guys have problems in the future, which member of his family can you talk to

From ur write up, it seems ur timid. Why are u timid? I despise timid girls. Worse wen they are educated. Makes it look like all the education was waisted.shyness is not an excuse 2 be timid. Makes u appear dumb. And also check ursef properly. U may actually av been greeting ur bf's father shabbily all this while b4 he eventually made it knwn on that day. Check ursef.

chinkelly: From ur write up, it seems ur timid. Why are u timid? I despise timid girls. Worse wen they are educated. Makes it look like all the education was waisted.shyness is not an excuse 2 be timid. Makes u appear dumb. And also check ursef properly. U may actually av been greeting ur bf's father shabbily all this while b4 he eventually made it knwn on that day. Check ursef.

You have some good point brov.

@Op, i will suggest you sit ur boyfriend down and ask him really why the ex still comes around and fraternise with his people. its a bit absurd.

If he doesn't want her anymore then why are the siblings still rolling with her?
there lies your solution. If she doesn't get out of the picture, you can't br firmly rooted.

Oro ife l'abgara o.

thatchick: Am 26,working and d next step right now for me is marriage.
I just feel like moving on but age is not on my side anymore..

this is the aspect i will like to address...............DONT BE DESPERATE TO DO CRAZY THING because YOU THINK AGE IS NOT BY YOUR SIDE.

So many ladies have committed this avoidable mistake, because they think they are age constraint, sit down and evaluate that your relationship, put aside your age, and if it worth going into marriage for, then, goodluck, if not, drop it and move forward, you are an adult and i believe you should know what you want, especially in a life-time committment like marriage, but if your reason of wanting to marry soon is because of your age, you are on your own, dont come back here and scream again after the marriage.
I wish you goodluck.

greatgod2012:



this is the aspect i will like to address...............DONT BE DESPERATE TO DO CRAZY THING because YOU THINK AGE IS NOT BY YOUR SIDE.

So many ladies have committed this avoidable mistake, because they think they are age constraint, sit down and evaluate that your relationship, put aside your age, and if it worth going into marriage for, then, goodluck, if not, drop it and move forward, you are an adult and i believe you should know what you want, especially in a life-time committment like marriage, but if your reason of wanting to marry soon is because of your age, you are on your own, dont come back here and scream again after the marriage.
I wish you goodluck.

?
She said it all, moreover get closer to the guy, I think he hasn't gotten enough time to present u well before his family

Why hasn't your boyfriend told his ex not to visit anymore?

Your boyfriend should also think about getting his own place instead of staying with his parents. I know he is struggling financially but he needs to put his foot down and tell his people to stop giving his ex hope if he truly is not going to get back together with her. They need to let the girl go find herself another life, holding unto her is simply wasting her time. The yeye girl should know this sef.

Age is on your side so drop that mentality. If you were my sister I would tell you to hold off the wedding for a while, my parents used to tell us never to rush into a marriage where we are not welcomed by the family, it just makes marriage so difficult.

Also, talking to his ex's close friend and all that BS is a waste of time. That "best friend" could be anybody he used to convince you, that part of your investigation does not hold water.

All the best

I must say the poster is so lucky to have this quality of advice on nairaland. It shows you are really blessed. I would like to emphasize some points.

1. Don't rush into that marriage, the guy himself is not ready to marry now, because he is still trying to find his feet.
2. There are untold issues with the former girlfriend that you are in the dark about.
3. If the family doesn't like you now, they never will.
4. You don't have to lose yourself or change your personality to satisfy his family, you have your family too and you have your life. Be respectful to them, be open to any correction in your behaviour because we are all raised differently and some people might find some behaviour rude but don't devote your life to making them love you, you cannot make any one love you, you can only make them misuse you. Develop self esteem
5.communicate this whole thing to your boyfriend and try to find out the truth.
6. Be open to the possibility that you may have to move on from that relationship to someone who would love you and the family would respect you too.
7. Pray, prayer changes things and opens your eyes.

Op, how can you say a guy who shuttles from nigeria to uk is a struggling guy? Are you the one that finances this his trips because i know a struggling guy will find it difficult to be sponsoring such trips, if you know how much the ticket cost. Not just once, but, you say he shuttles that means he travels all the time. Now, you have to believe what i want to tell you. You are a working class according to your earlier post and he is struggling. That guy is either using you or he is about to use. He is using you in the sense that your sponsoring him now out of deceitful love or he is about to use you in the sense that he is bidding his time. What do i mean by he is about to use? One day he will call you and tell you that he has something he want to venture into and that you should sponsor him, out of deceitful love you will fall for his trap and he will end up using you and breaking your heart. Why am i saying all these? The guy is 100percent aware that his ex-girlfriend comes to the house. What is he doing about it. He has every power to stop that girl from coming but, he is decieving you. I just pity you because you are just trying to rush into marriage because you feel you getting older. 26 years? Your funny, i mean damn funny. Your desperation will end you up shattering all your efforts. That girl is his fiance, that is why the family have accepted her. He is aware but just pretending to continue using you. My dear, am a guy who have seen it all and i know what my fellow guy can do to a desperate woman. Either you move on with your life before he uses you and marry that his so-called Ex right infront of your nose shattering your life. Its never late dearie. Tanx.

OP,

There are a few issues I will like to point out for you if you are interested in knowing.

1. NEVER ever be desperate for marriage. A desperate woman is a frustrated woman. In the older generation, the women got married far much younger than what is most obtainable these days. Nevertheless, if you are destined to get married, you will get married to a good man.

2. You seem to be scared of challenges in life. You would rather want to quit things than take things head-on. That you perceive that your boyfriend's family does not like you is a challenge! But it is saddening when you think you should call the whole relationship quit! Wake up and smell the coffee, a relationship is not a bed of roses. If your bf's ex could warm herself to the family, so can you also! Use the power of a woman that lies in you. Stop being naive. Find out from your bf how his ex was able to do it. Stop being timid! If you are already timid right before you have a home with your bf, once you have a home with him, any member of his family can easily walk into your home, and do a simple 'shakara' and you start running to a corner to hide yourself.

3. If your bf's ex is still a friend to any member of the family, the best you can do is to tell your ex to inform her that her presence is really not helpful in his life and relationship. And you have the responsibility of warming yourself further to the family. Make friendship with them. If you choose to end the relationship simply because you are shy to address your challenges, you would still meet the same challenge in subsequent relationships you go into or possibly even worse off challenges.

donchris999: Op, how can you say a guy who shuttles from nigeria to uk is a struggling guy? Are you the one that finances this his trips because i know a struggling guy will find it difficult to be sponsoring such trips, if you know how much the ticket cost. Not just once, but, you say he shuttles that means he travels all the time. Now, you have to believe what i want to tell you. You are a working class according to your earlier post and he is struggling. That guy is either using you or he is about to use. He is using you in the sense that your sponsoring him now out of deceitful love or he is about to use you in the sense that he is bidding his time. What do i mean by he is about to use? One day he will call you and tell you that he has something he want to venture into and that you should sponsor him, out of deceitful love you will fall for his trap and he will end up using you and breaking your heart. Why am i saying all these? The guy is 100percent aware that his ex-girlfriend comes to the house. What is he doing about it. He has every power to stop that girl from coming but, he is decieving you. I just pity you because you are just trying to rush into marriage because you feel you getting older. 26 years? Your funny, i mean damn funny. Your desperation will end you up shattering all your efforts. That girl is his fiance, that is why the family have accepted her. He is aware but just pretending to continue using you. My dear, am a guy who have seen it all and i know what my fellow guy can do to a desperate woman. Either you move on with your life before he uses you and marry that his so-called Ex right infront of your nose shattering your life. Its never late dearie. Tanx.

Brah you killed it
Sweet!

You seem like an extremely sensitive person. Be truthful to urself - du greet the old man shabbily or he's just giving a dog a bad name....

Do they dislike you cos they have misconceptns about you/ personality? People often think quiet and shy people are snubbish. Try meeting them halfway and see if there are any changes. If they hate you cos of ur tribe or some deep seated notions/ you just rub them off the wrong way, you might have to cut ur losses n move on.

You also have to consider the option that the 'ex' might just be the authentic babe. #just saying

chinkelly: From ur write up, it seems ur timid. Why are u timid? I despise timid girls. Worse wen they are educated. Makes it look like all the education was waisted.shyness is not an excuse 2 be timid. Makes u appear dumb. And also check ursef properly. U may actually av been greeting ur bf's father shabbily all this while b4 he eventually made it knwn on that day. Check ursef.

utter rubish , who asked ur opinion about timidity and shyness. ur bitter! check ur self too. if u must criticize let ur critisizim be constructive.

donchris999: Op, how can you say a guy who shuttles from nigeria to uk is a struggling guy? Are you the one that finances this his trips because i know a struggling guy will find it difficult to be sponsoring such trips, if you know how much the ticket cost. Not just once, but, you say he shuttles that means he travels all the time. Now, you have to believe what i want to tell you. You are a working class according to your earlier post and he is struggling. That guy is either using you or he is about to use. He is using you in the sense that your sponsoring him now out of deceitful love or he is about to use you in the sense that he is bidding his time. What do i mean by he is about to use? One day he will call you and tell you that he has something he want to venture into and that you should sponsor him, out of deceitful love you will fall for his trap and he will end up using you and breaking your heart. Why am i saying all these? The guy is 100percent aware that his ex-girlfriend comes to the house. What is he doing about it. He has every power to stop that girl from coming but, he is decieving you. I just pity you because you are just trying to rush into marriage because you feel you getting older. 26 years? Your funny, i mean damn funny. Your desperation will end you up shattering all your efforts. That girl is his fiance, that is why the family have accepted her. He is aware but just pretending to continue using you. My dear, am a guy who have seen it all and i know what my fellow guy can do to a desperate woman. Either you move on with your life before he uses you and marry that his so-called Ex right infront of your nose shattering your life. Its never late dearie. Tanx.

u have a point, a stuggler cant be shutling btw naija and uk. the guy may be honest as per his love,because if the family didnt see her as a threat of becoming a family memebr which they dont want,they wont treat her hashly, they probably know that their son genuily loves her, hence the anger and bitterness towards her, if she was just a sponsor, theyd be faking love for her.

@op
give urself a break, majority of ladies these days marry in their late 20s and early 30s

give ur self and him some space,in order that u COMMIT the matter to GOD,............AND LISTEN TO UR HEART cos the truth will be dropped there(u need to listen deep the answer is there now sef, nairaland people can only support ur conviction truthful or erronous which is already deep within u)

Many people will be discouraged in your situation but seems to me a waste of time to investigate your BF's relationship with his ex and the reason it broke up. What if he just wasn't feeling her anymore? People break up all the time for all sorts of reason and end up with those they want to be with. The question is does he want to be with and keep you?

The way i see it investigating what led to the break up with his ex is not worth it. Except they were married or something.

You need to root out the real problem. What are the ties binding the ex to the family why don't they like you?Miss timid will not work so you just have to stand up for yourself and what you want. This is not to say fight the family but find a way around the hostility.

Age is on your side my friend what nonsense language are you speaking? so at 26 you feel this is the last man that can spare you a glance no wonder your BF and his family have been having a field day. Instead of forming like a background character in your own movie better write the script. Talk with your man be specific about the issues you want him to address.

Your boyfriend may be confused, he may be playing a game only he knows and this is what you should investigate.

Hmmm.
Tough one.

Threadstarter, you don't stand much chance but like a previous poster suggested, you should look at getting closer to the sister(s) and mother. Dad will automagically fall in line if you can get the females on your side.

As it is, the ex has the upper hand but it means nothing if boy friend can pull his weight.

donchris999: Op, how can you say a guy who shuttles from nigeria to uk is a struggling guy? Are you the one that finances this his trips because i know a struggling guy will find it difficult to be sponsoring such trips, if you know how much the ticket cost. Not just once, but, you say he shuttles that means he travels all the time. Now, you have to believe what i want to tell you. You are a working class according to your earlier post and he is struggling. That guy is either using you or he is about to use. He is using you in the sense that your sponsoring him now out of deceitful love or he is about to use you in the sense that he is bidding his time. What do i mean by he is about to use? One day he will call you and tell you that he has something he want to venture into and that you should sponsor him, out of deceitful love you will fall for his trap and he will end up using you and breaking your heart. Why am i saying all these? The guy is 100percent aware that his ex-girlfriend comes to the house. What is he doing about it. He has every power to stop that girl from coming but, he is decieving you. I just pity you because you are just trying to rush into marriage because you feel you getting older. 26 years? Your funny, i mean damn funny. Your desperation will end you up shattering all your efforts. That girl is his fiance, that is why the family have accepted her. He is aware but just pretending to continue using you. My dear, am a guy who have seen it all and i know what my fellow guy can do to a desperate woman. Either you move on with your life before he uses you and marry that his so-called Ex right infront of your nose shattering your life. Its never late dearie. Tanx.

I doff my hat Sir.
As poster can u confirm wot donchris just said here?
I were u i would never continue with dat rship? First impression with ur in laws matters a lot my dear.
You dont have to force ursef on ds pple so far u have ur job and dignity. You are doing all ds because u r desperate to get married.
Who told u ur time is running out @ ur age? Aint saying u shld wait till 30 but my dear, if u leave dat guy now, a better guy will come and with time u will settle down.
The moment you hang on to ds one and u begin to think where will i start from or things will still get better, be4 u say Jack Robinson u r in ur late 20s.

Another thing i can suggest be4 u back out finally is meet his mum in private. Be bold i mean very bold and walk to his house.
As for his mum and tell her u will like to talk to her. No matter how tough she is, she will be forced to listen to u.
Tell his mum abt ur rship with him and dnt mention d other girl at all. Let her know u actually dont know why u aint welcome by the family. Watch her reaction.
If she doesnt really show any concern, move on girlfriend.
Please read btw d lines dat guy doesnt really have ur interest in heart.
I will also advise that u shld try and be friendly. People may see ur being reserved as being snobbish.
U cant go to a place, sit down and be looking or watching TV. I aint saying u shld jump ard or enter kitchen.
Try and be friendly with d family cos dir fear may b dat ds is d way u will continue to act when dey marry u.

My dear,I had similiar issue when I started dating my fiance.His mum saw me entering his room and bound me from coming(she thought were doing some bad things.unknown to he havnt started)I stopped visiting my shakara then na fire.I kept away from his house for month and when he became sick,I refused to visit(shebi she said I shouldn't come)but I called sha.the elder brother got pissed and I called me to come.My dear,na one nyashi I take sitdon cos I no want wahala.But after all that,my man made his mum to understand how important iam to him.Now,see love and I learnt to love her too.So,wise up and take your stand if your man truely loves you,he will know what to do to stop his ex from visiting.

Donchris u r a real guy.thanks for that splendid advice! @ op, u need no other advice! The truth is very bitter but u gat to face reality. If he is real, time will tell but pls do move ahead.ur life does not revolve around him.he treats u like that cos that was how u presented urslf and he don c mugu.shine ur eye garlie! And by d way,why d rush?

donchris999: Op, how can you say a guy who shuttles from nigeria to uk is a struggling guy? Are you the one that finances this his trips because i know a struggling guy will find it difficult to be sponsoring such trips, if you know how much the ticket cost. Not just once, but, you say he shuttles that means he travels all the time. Now, you have to believe what i want to tell you. You are a working class according to your earlier post and he is struggling. That guy is either using you or he is about to use. He is using you in the sense that your sponsoring him now out of deceitful love or he is about to use you in the sense that he is bidding his time. What do i mean by he is about to use? One day he will call you and tell you that he has something he want to venture into and that you should sponsor him, out of deceitful love you will fall for his trap and he will end up using you and breaking your heart. Why am i saying all these? The guy is 100percent aware that his ex-girlfriend comes to the house. What is he doing about it. He has every power to stop that girl from coming but, he is decieving you. I just pity you because you are just trying to rush into marriage because you feel you getting older. 26 years? Your funny, i mean damn funny. Your desperation will end you up shattering all your efforts. That girl is his fiance, that is why the family have accepted her. He is aware but just pretending to continue using you. My dear, am a guy who have seen it all and i know what my fellow guy can do to a desperate woman. Either you move on with your life before he uses you and marry that his so-called Ex right infront of your nose shattering your life. Its never late dearie. Tanx.

OP, pay very good attention to the points the guy raised.

Ha! One chance thingz......

Does your boyfriend still live in his family house?