(NB: SEE MY PREVIOUS POST ON THIS TOPIC)


Nkechi: As you noted, there must be moments of power struggle for a true love to be developed. But how can we sustain any relationship at this time of power struggle? How can we even differentiate between power struggle and incompatibility?

Emeka: First of all, you should understand that each of you is a unique and different individual with different orientation, values, ambitions, experiences and expectations. These are the things that make us unique and special. But knowing them is not enough to solve the problem. They must be appreciated.

Nkechi: It is not as if I was never aware that every individual is unique. My fear has always been how one would keep the embers of love aglow when the romantic sides die down; when the so-called Romeo and Juliet become cat and dog.

Emeka: The so-called Romeo and Juliet did not become cat and dog overnight. The hatred develops over times, but they ignored it. At other times, the couple does not even identify such cankerworms until they have eaten deep into the fabric of their marriage.

Ngozi: It seems you have a strong point here: A good number of my friends who had problems in their marriage could not actually identify how and when their problem started.

Emeka: This is where adequate communication between the partners plays a significant role.

Ngozi: How?

Emeka: Our family orientations have a serious role to play in our relationship with people. Each family has what many people have called “unspoken rules” and “unconscious role”. The various partners usually carry these things into their marriage and relationship and begin to live them out with time.

Nkechi: What do you mean by “unspoken rules and unconscious roles?”

Emeka: Every family or group lives by certain rules that are rarely spoken about but known by the members. For instance, in some families, you do not talk while eating, you do not talk about money in the public, you do not discuss while the television is on, and so on while at another families, the time for meals is the best moment to share experiences, therefore, it becomes unusual to be silent at meals, and so on. Similarly, various families have specific role for each individual. For instance, in some families, the men are those who clean the kitchen while the women cook, the men may be the shopper and planner while at other families, the man has no place in the kitchen and is never expected to enter the kitchen for any reason. Hence when partners from families with conflicting unconscious roles and unspoken rules come together, there are bound to be problem if they do not take time to discuss the differences.

Ngozi: This is exactly one of the problems Chika had with her husband...

continue reading at http://nnamdiezema.com/2013/04/16/common-mistakes-singles-make-in-relationship-dating-and-choice-of-marriage-2