safeLove: All this "mental illness" talk na wa o!

A woman is not happy in her marriage and is nagging the beJesus out of her husband and a man who is confused about the situation and some people are calling her a "mad".

That means a lot of married women in Nigeria are mentally ill naw.

My opinion,she's just showing her true self which op never saw (or refused to see) during courtship.

@OP,hang in there o! Marriage is for better for "worst" . Maybe its you who will eventually need mental treatment by the time she's done with you.

omonnakoda: I won't say it is resolved.It is just necessary to agree on what we mean for our own purposes when we use a word. Many Psychiatrists maintain the distinction.Here is an article where someone argues against separating the two .
http://bjp.rcpsych.org/content/180/2/110.full

I think there are so many "abnormal" personalitities that makes it unhelpful to class them as illnesses(MY VIEW)
eg excessive lying,dishonesty etc may mark a particular personality
or violence,fighting drunkenness
or excessive promiscuity.
It would not be helpful to "MEDICALIZE" every abnormal behaviour especially if the individual has ALWAYS behaved like that in contrast to a CHANGE whether sudden or gradual

safeLove: All this "mental illness" talk na wa o!

A woman is not happy in her marriage and is nagging the beJesus out of her husband and a man who is confused about the situation and some people are calling her a "mad".

That means a lot of married women in Nigeria are mentally ill naw.

My opinion,she's just showing her true self which op never saw (or refused to see) during courtship.

@OP,hang in there o! Marriage is for better for "worst" . Maybe its you who will eventually need mental treatment by the time she's done with you.

Okon.akpan:
Thanks for your concern and contributions.

deletrue: You are offshore worker? I may be wrong but is she not a jealous lady? When you were not together as husband and wife she was not like this. Do you satisfy her in the bed? Women do not play with that area. You look at this as joke joke. Try this advice in addition to others. When i was young even now, when am through with my wife, the first question in the morning is ' what will you eat?' you know why? I would satisfied her in the bed? Most women requires complete satisfaction. Do not spare her, but do not injure here

deletrue: You are offshore worker? I may be wrong but is she not a jealous lady? When you were not together as husband and wife she was not like this. Do you satisfy her in the bed? Women do not play with that area. You look at this as joke joke. Try this advice in addition to others. When i was young even now, when am through with my wife, the first question in the morning is ' what will you eat?' you know why? I would satisfied her in the bed? Most women requires complete satisfaction. Do not spare her, but do not injure here

deletrue: You are offshore worker? I may be wrong but is she not a jealous lady? When you were not together as husband and wife she was not like this. Do you satisfy her in the bed? Women do not play with that area. You look at this as joke joke. Try this advice in addition to others. When i was young even now, when am through with my wife, the first question in the morning is ' what will you eat?' you know why? I would satisfied her in the bed? Most women requires complete satisfaction. Do not spare her, but do not injure here

omonnakoda:
I don't think she is mad but there are some key things that stand out

Problem with almost all her siblings
Problem with neighbours
Problems in previous adressess
Suspicious about "diabolical things"
All those 4 issues without talking about the marital issues suggest an individual with certain personality traits .
The assumption of course is the OP has told the whole truth and nothing but the truth.
The next question that comes to mind is WHO does this person get on with?
If the story is true then she has personality problems just as one would say that a thief or liar does.That is NOT "madness" but then if someone writes personality problem and the reader reads "madness" perhaps that is an "education" issue.People should educate themselves better.There are people who quarrel with everyone,have no friends and are difficult to get on with . We all know such people.No one calls them "MAD" but such things do exist

na U go tire:
I am sorry about your situation. Put it in prayer. By the way, I must correct your english. It is 'things become worster' and not 'things became worst' as you write. I dont know what our schools are making these day. Standard of education is now too poor. Terrible.

na U go tire:
I am sorry about your situation. Put it in prayer. By the way, I must correct your english. It is 'things become worster' and not 'things became worst' as you write. I dont know what our schools are making these day. Standard of education is now too poor. Terrible.

pro01: The more patient a man is, and the more tolerant, and conciliatory and 'decent' he is, the more likely his wife is to constitute herself into a ruthless she-devil. I have noticed that the no-nonsense men generally have the ideal wives, i.e., women who would shut the eff up and do what they are told.

I don't think I would tolerate one tenth of the behaviour you just described here. I guess she is emboldened to come up with more BS by the soft way you have been dealing with her, and by your conciliatory approach to her crap. Push her out of the damn house back to her parents' house. If she stays there for a month or two, and still doesn't learn from her mother how to be a decent wife (the old-fashioned, traditional way), then she should not bother to return to your house. Thousands of nubile and eligible women are fasting on mountains from Isale-Oshin to Ajaokuta, praying to find a well-to-do husband like you to call their own. They would be more than happy to replace this bitch. Thankfully, you have just one child so far. Dash her that one and prepare your sperm-bank to shoot more into the wombs of more fertile and subservient women that are lining up to replace the exiting bitch. Nonsense.

safeLove:

I know she's not mad and am not particularly saying anyone called her mad. My point is that she's probably always have been who OP is seeing now,but never addressed it then.

Some people are naturally difficult to live with. A lot of people,both men and women, actually have the same characters OP described.Like I said,the hubby either didn't see those traits or just chose to ignore them.

Abeg,is OP the only man who works offshore? Do other guys on the rig go home to wives who nag them? So should he leave his work and stay by her like some posters suggested.

Am sure OP too has his own level of "Craze" but is downplaying it for the sake of the marriage.

Some women are just plain difficult to live with,even from some posts here on NL,you can tell. (No be me talk am o) lol!!

debrief08: Sadly what I have come to realise is that when women want to get married they fit into your "standard" of "wife material"
They will cook, clean, wash, scrub, maid service and supply s3x on demand, oncce you are hooked they unleash the real them.
I have told my cousins to accept women whose faults they caan live with so they don't end up with pretenders who unlesh terror after wards.
It is better to stay with a lady whose flaws are obvious and you know you can manage than that perfect "wife material"
I have seen it severally. Men set crazy standards, they want all the great qualities yet they refuse to be a great boyfriend, maake the lady go through hell and most will hold on just to get the ring and world war 3 starts since they haave achieved their aim.

I have one now who while dating pretended to accept and manage her now husbands cheating ways and arrogance, then I told her to be honest about her feelings and if he didn't feel she was good enough to stay faithful to let her move on and get someone who will.
She refused, she "accepted" his cheating, will ignore it when she saw nud3 pictures on his phone, walked in on him with another lady and smiled and pretended it was okay. Silly man thought he had an angel who would let him be married and do as he wants.
Today their home is hell, he is like a prisioner because she behaves the way the OP described.
When he begs me to speak with her she will tell me to ignore him, shebi he wanted a mumu he don enter one chance, she tells me after all they are married now, if he wants let him divorce because she knows he wouldn't.

Poster, sadly you married a woman who pretended to be what you wanted her to be then because she had her target, like someone said, try to salvage what is left of this.
If you can take time off and go somewhere alone no kids, no accusations no fighting, just the way forward, now both of you know the real person behind the facade, decide on how you can work together and around the issues.
Deal with issues not personal accusations and tantrums.
Ask her what she feels is the way forward, also listen and write down key points, infact both of you should write down expectations and exchange, its better than talking because fight will always enter.
When you have both read each others clearly outlined expectations, together you write down realistic points of compromise and each try to stick to it.

I am sorry for what you are going through, best of luck in working to make it better

Black Peni5: Seems most people dnt really understand the OP's situation. A vacation will not solve d wahahala. Maybe she'll complain that the location was too cheap or too expensive. Like the OP clearly stated, what she wants is total control...i'v seen many cases like this. Soon she'll destroy the relationship between him and his family and friends, then she'll tell him how and when to spend his money, where to go and where not to go.

From the OPs tone, he seems like a soft person. Sum1 who doesn't like wahala and she's taking advantage of it. The Ops wife was either pretending dduring courtship or she has been listening to advice from the wrong people. Either way, marriage is not a do or die affair...if u risk living a miserable life then u can call it quits. You also have a choice of giving her control over ur life in order to have peace.

However u must first try very hard to understand the root of the problem through dialogue and being more observant. U had an agreement to get married, u must also have an agreement to sustain it or terminate it.

pro01: The more patient a man is, and the more tolerant, and conciliatory and 'decent' he is, the more likely his wife is to constitute herself into a ruthless she-devil.

ileobatojo:

First of all, in my first post, I made it clear that I only thought it was a possibility not a guaranteed diagnosis, hence I said "your wife may have bpd". I am not discounting any body else's opinions. They are all possibilities too.

Now, my initial reaction to the story was similar to many other's but I read it again and some things stood out.

- She has serious problems with interpersonal relationships. She has problems with almost all her siblings, she has problems with their neighbors and the previous places they have resided. She trusts no one and believes people are after her diabolically. It's not just her husband that she has issues with. Yes, she may have pretended before marriage and now become a beast. But what's the reason why she has so much difficulty with interpersonal relationships with other people around her. What's the reason for the extreme paranoia, lack of trust? Even if as you say, it's because she was badly hurt by someone in the past, guess what? That's mental illness too if it's now manifesting to this degree in her life.

- She is very volatile in her mood. Angry one moment, crying the next. Could she just be manipulative, yes, but manipulation is a symptom of borderline personality disorder too.

These are the two main things that made me take a second look at the post. So, you are entitled to your opinion and I'm also free to post mine. No need to come at me with your snide condescension.

mutter: Sorry it might sound hard but you have no control over your home and have failed to maintain discipline.
A woman can NEVER love a man she does not respect.
If things continue like this especially with the nature of your job all hell will break loose if not now when the kids grow older. You better nib it now because it is no longer even at the bud stage.
Send her packing to her family and lay your conditions down under which she can come back. By so doing you send a clear signal to her and her family. She needs to apologize and plead and that formally in the presence of witnesses. When she comes back you need to be firm and keep control over your home.
When it comes to respect there is no compromise.
You might want to try talking to her and maybe she starts to reason without any drastic measure but at this stage i doubt it. When a boundary has been crossed there is no inhibition about crossing it a second time. So you may have to set a clear signal. When you do this even her family will support you and plead with you because you are only demanding whatfor what you are entitled to as a husband.

SELFWORTH: You can tell there are lots of inexperienced people on NL.

This is a one sided story from someone who is feeling very hurt. Yet everyone is running around like a mad chicken with all kinds of advice.

This is how many marriages have been destroyed by advice givers who lack wisdom.

All you need is prayer. Prayer is the key. If you want to both stay in the marriage, make God the focus of your home.