gbengaola: some men will not want their wives to work because of the fear that she might be taken away from them by her boss or colleagues,and ordinary monthly upkeep they wont also want to pay all in the name of they are responsible to the children,remember if u dont take care of your wife and she becomes ugly,she remains your property,some men could be so wicked,why on earth will u not give money to your wife?(if u dont have it,what of that ridiculous step of that man not giving money to his own in-law just for transport,obviously the man is heartless and not normal).In fact,some animals in human skin are in the institution called marriage,is marriage not supposed to be like heaven on earth?she is lazy,accepted but love her with that cos it is now your cross.I want to believe she needs his consent to search and get a job,or his connection(is this too much from husband to his wife)

NOW MY ADVICE: let her remind the so called husband of the monthly upkeep,if he refuses,let her tell him to not disturb her from getting a job,if he refuses,then at this stage,i dont think it will be wrong to call upon external bodies,the man needs a iron hand,let her inform her parents and his parents to come and judge the situation.

Okpari

gbengaola: some men will not want their wives to work because of the fear that she might be taken away from them by her boss or colleagues,and ordinary monthly upkeep they wont also want to pay all in the name of they are responsible to the children,remember if u dont take care of your wife and she becomes ugly,she remains your property,some men could be so wicked,why on earth will u not give money to your wife?(if u dont have it,what of that ridiculous step of that man not giving money to his own in-law just for transport,obviously the man is heartless and not normal).In fact,some animals in human skin are in the institution called marriage,is marriage not supposed to be like heaven on earth?she is lazy,accepted but love her with that cos it is now your cross.I want to believe she needs his consent to search and get a job,or his connection(is this too much from husband to his wife)

NOW MY ADVICE: let her remind the so called husband of the monthly upkeep,if he refuses,let her tell him to not disturb her from getting a job,if he refuses,then at this stage,i dont think it will be wrong to call upon external bodies,the man needs a iron hand,let her inform her parents and his parents to come and judge the situation.[/color]
Okpari cheesy cheesy[color=#006600]
abi o

gbengaola: some men will not want their wives to work because of the fear that she might be taken away from them by her boss or colleagues,and ordinary monthly upkeep they wont also want to pay all in the name of they are responsible to the children,remember if u dont take care of your wife and she becomes ugly,she remains your property,some men could be so wicked,why on earth will u not give money to your wife?(if u dont have it,what of that ridiculous step of that man not giving money to his own in-law just for transport,obviously the man is heartless and not normal).In fact,some animals in human skin are in the institution called marriage,is marriage not supposed to be like heaven on earth?she is lazy,accepted but love her with that cos it is now your cross.I want to believe she needs his consent to search and get a job,or his connection(is this too much from husband to his wife)

NOW MY ADVICE: let her remind the so called husband of the monthly upkeep,if he refuses,let her tell him to not disturb her from getting a job,if he refuses,then at this stage,i dont think it will be wrong to call upon external bodies,the man needs a iron hand,let her inform her parents and his parents to come and judge the situation.


Okpari cheesy cheesy
abi o[color=#006600][/color]

As for the "victim"
So she has endured 10 years of her husband's behavior and now after 3 children delievered in those circumstances, she's contemplating divorce? Why did she not speak up at the beginning? Better still, what was the reason for marrying a controlling man? As in most of these stories, everything begins at courtship, before you get married. Hardly anyone changes after marriage, what you see is what you get.

Maybe when our society stops disparaging unmarried women, womenfolk will have the backbone to say no to abusive, controlling suitors. More likely than not, she knew from tbe beginning that the guy was controlling.

bibiji: My best friend in d univ jst arived my home with her marital problems seeking advice 4rm me on what to do. Iam nt sure on what 2 tel her and I suggestd 2 her 4us 2 use dis forum 4 help. Here's her story: She has bin married 2 her hsbnd 4 d past 10years wit 3 adorable kids. She graduated wit 2.1 in ICT and d man refused 2 help her in job search. She then decided 2 go 4 Msc, she was offered admission and the hsbnd refused her going. She askd d man 2 place her on monthly allowance 4 her upkeep, that also he rejectd. The house chores was becoming too much 4 her and requestd dat they employ a nanny, he turned down d request. According 2 her what worried her most was when her younger broda dropped by after passing out 4rm NYSC camp 2 go home, d hsbnd refused 2 giv him transport fare. To cut long story short, she is not allowe 2 even attend family functions like weddings. She stays indoor and not allowed 2 visit anyone. She has become so depressed of late and d doctor adviced dat she stays away 4rm d stressors causing depression. Her question 2 me which am also throwin 2d house, should she file 4 a divorce or continue wit d marriage? She said she has become so short tempered and violent even 2d kids and dat alone is unbearable. Pls we need urgent response as she has only 2days 2 spend wit me. Tnx!

story story story

Funny enough I was discussing with some men about widowhood, and I said any woman who sits at home in the age despite her husband's wealth is on her own. I was almost lyched by these men who sent me several versions of "She doesn't work' she is not just a housewife" story.
Me I have said and will continue to say, no woman should believe the "I will take caare of you" story. Even if you don't have a 9+5 look for somethig to do.
You are an adult, nobody should be totally responsible for you financially.
I am an advocate for respecting my husband but he is not your God, sometimes especially in times like this you have take decisions that are good for you.
Your friend can sit and helplessly cry from today till next year, if that's the kind of man I ssuspect it won't move him, he is happy to have such total power over her.
She should dust up herself now and forge ahead, what to do?
1. Write a comprehensive business plan (a job may not be forth coming now), a realistic one, where she has ffully assesed the challenges and potentials, profits and possible loss and market for such an item. She should also highlight possible sources of funding not just asking her husband for money for business
2. When she has come out with the plan, she can approach local money lenders if its a great business plan they will loan her the funnd and because she knows its a loan with interest she will be forced to work extraa hard and pay
3. Kids: she is not the only one with kids, we all work with kids and we find ways to make it work

Now my advice to other ladies, no human being is responsible for you, no man who loves you will seek to totally control you, it may be fun for a few years but the daay to pay will come. Even hif he carries the burden without lamenting he may loose the Job one day or may die, then you turn a widow with kids, nno skills, no business management experience, start from square one and this time not on your own.
Your youth is time to build, work and grow, may you not in old age with kids start to try to do what you should have done for yourself in youth

^^^^

A woman staying at home does not necessarily mean it's about a man controlling her.

Don't know how many times this issue comes up in this section but I will say what I have always said. Culturally, Nigerian women, especially Southerners have been raised to believe that you have to bring in an income in order for your spouse and his family to respect you. Never mind that you have abused women with full time jobs.

A lot of people think staying at home makes it more likely your husband will abuse you. Please, spend time on courtship, know whom you are marrying. If hes going to be an abuser, chances are, you will see signs if you spend enough time in courtship. A very small minority of men can change overnight into monsters but that is not the norm. By the way, be careful that you, the wife, do not change into something the guy did not bargain for. If you were the saving type before he married you but afterwards, suddenly develop a taste for keeping up with the Joneses, that would not be fair to him.

Staying home (usually the woman in African settings) is a lifestyle choice and is determined by affordability and trust. I bolden this because for most people, it's not affordable but that does not mean you disparage others who can afford the choice. Above all, it should always be a joint decision and like most things in life, subject to change if it is not sustainble. No point doing it if one partner resents the other partner staying home or if it is not an affordable choice for your family

If the working partner's income is not sufficient to finance household expenses, you probably should not opt for it. When I say expense, that includes aso ebi, your Brazillian weaves, owambe parties, vacations, clothing, etc and any financial assistance to relatives/friends on both sides. I may be able to run my household on N50000.00 a month but maybe yours runs on $8000.00 per month. The same question still applies - can the working partner sustain the expenses? If so, for how long and at what cost?

At this point, I must say that if you don't have direct access to the income earner's accounts/earnings, if your assets and liabilities are not in joint names, then you should probably not stay home. Already, there's a comma in the situation if only one party makes and controls the financial decisions. In order for it to be successful, there has to be trust on both sides and each side should be comfortable with the other's spending habits.

Life insurance policies are available in Nigeria, same as in the West. It is called insurance in case the unexpected happens, fear of death should not mean you can't stay home and raise your kids if that is your family's desire. Sadly, the vast majority of Nigerian women that work, still have no net worth to show for it. It is still the constant hand to mouth, keeping up with the Joneses, dodging randy bosses at work who derive joy from chopping another man's wife.

Why are you staying home? For the vast majority, it's to raise their kids. For a few, it's simply a preference. If your spouse is fine with it and you can both make it work, do not let the mischievous sow discord in your home by calling you names.

If part of your self worth is tied to your career or how much money you make, it's probably not a good idea. For some people, working is not about money but about self worth/esteem
If you are going to miss the workplace environment, you should probably just keep working. If you are going to feel embarrassed and useless because you are not working, then keep working.

A much as possible, let your value system be based on experiences, not on acquisitions. I tell you, life becomes so much simpler once it's no longer just about acquisitions. Focus on building NW while at the same time, building your children (those that make the choice for kids).

Finally, yes, I stayed home for a couple of years, in Naija and in the West. I work now, because our kids are much older/independent and household expenses have grown. My extended family do not pry in my business so I didn't have to explain to anybody but I know it took a lot for my Mum not to say anything. She started working at 18 and only retired when she had a solid gold pension and left with a sizable package. If she were dead, she might have turned in her grave, she drummed career mum into me at an early age.

I stayed home but I have always had access to everything my husband has/earns and vice versa. I am that wife that knows where everything is and whose husband will "sign here" without a second glance because of mutual trust. It doesn't matter which gender plays the lead financial role, trust is non-negotiable when it comes to money, epecially for a Naija couple.

dayokanu: To think this is the dream of some women to be a housewife just because they are lazy.

All I see here is a LAZY woman who is hell bent on giving excuse for everything in Life, Its all her husbands fault

OP did she get a job and her husband told her not to resume?


Her husband refused to help her find a job? Is this Husband director of Employments? If she cant find a job then she has no one to blame but herself. Or other women working was it their husband who wrote applications for them?


After being jobless for a while now says she wants to go for MSc, who would pay for that? the same man carrying all the financial burden of the house ? Would now pay millions for MSc Like DBanj said "You don see mugu"


Monthly allowance for upkeep for what? She eats, she has shelter then she wants monthly upkeep again? if she needed money she would go find a job or open kiosk outside. That Aunty Jane selling recharge card and Pure water has 2 breast, 1 Womanliness and a family like you


House Chores becoming too much? Are you kidding me? You sit at home all day the man is hustling to fend for the house and you now need a nanny again? Money you cant bring, Work you cant do, So whats the point of staying in the house or how are you any better than the piece of furniture in the living room


He he he. So after you have been leeching the man, you now bring your younger brother to come chop again? Didnt you tell your younger brother you are already a liability to the man before you add him to it?


You wan attend wedding and family functions? So you get time to attend functions and dance at Owambe but you cant get your behind up to make a living? Whats the purpose of your parent sending you to school in the first place?


She can file for divorce and save the man from the liability he has but has she thought of how she would feed and house herself?


Short tempered to kids just try and beat them to death so you can join the Kirikiri reform home. Abi is it the kids fault they have a Lazy mother?

you are sooo mean MR..i guess you are the man....If she is your sister this is what you will open your guter mouth and advice her.What is married for if you cant encourage and support each other,talking about the man bearing all the financial responsibility,why wont he allow her to work so she can also contribute to the family...Pray you wont marry a troublesome woman then you will see this life is double ....yeye wicked soul like you

MMotimo: Don't know how many times this issue comes up in this section but I will say what I have always said. Culturally, Nigerian women, especially Southerners have been raised to believe that you have to bring in an income in order for your spouse and his family to respect you. Never mind that you have abused women with full time jobs.

A lot of people think staying at home makes it more likely your husband will abuse you. Please, spend time on courtship, know whom you are marrying. If hes going to be an abuser, chances are, you will see signs if you spend enough time in courtship. A very small minority of men can change overnight into monsters but that is not the norm. By the way, be careful that you, the wife, do not change into something the guy did not bargain for. If you were the saving type before he married you but afterwards, suddenly develop a taste for keeping up with the Joneses, that would not be fair to him.

Staying home (usually the woman in African settings) is a lifestyle choice and is determined by affordability and trust. I bolden this because for most people, it's not affordable but that does not mean you disparage others who can afford the choice. Above all, it should always be a joint decision and like most things in life, subject to change if it is not sustainble. No point doing it if one partner resents the other partner staying home or if it is not an affordable choice for your family

If the working partner's income is not sufficient to finance household expenses, you probably should not opt for it. When I say expense, that includes aso ebi, your Brazillian weaves, owambe parties, vacations, clothing, etc and any financial assistance to relatives/friends on both sides. I may be able to run my household on N50000.00 a month but maybe yours runs on $8000.00 per month. The same question still applies - can the working partner sustain the expenses? If so, for how long and at what cost?

At this point, I must say that if you don't have direct access to the income earner's accounts/earnings, if your assets and liabilities are not in joint names, then you should probably not stay home. Already, there's a comma in the situation if only one party makes and controls the financial decisions. In order for it to be successful, there has to be trust on both sides and each side should be comfortable with the other's spending habits.

Life insurance policies are available in Nigeria, same as in the West. It is called insurance in case the unexpected happens, fear of death should not mean you can't stay home and raise your kids if that is your family's desire. Sadly, the vast majority of Nigerian women that work, still have no net worth to show for it. It is still the constant hand to mouth, keeping up with the Joneses, dodging randy bosses at work who derive joy from chopping another man's wife.

Why are you staying home? For the vast majority, it's to raise their kids. For a few, it's simply a preference. If your spouse is fine with it and you can both make it work, do not let the mischievous sow discord in your home by calling you names.

If part of your self worth is tied to your career or how much money you make, it's probably not a good idea. For some people, working is not about money but about self worth/esteem
If you are going to miss the workplace environment, you should probably just keep working. If you are going to feel embarrassed and useless because you are not working, then keep working.

A much as possible, let your value system be based on experiences, not on acquisitions. I tell you, life becomes so much simpler once it's no longer just about acquisitions. Focus on building NW while at the same time, building your children (those that make the choice for kids).

Finally, yes, I stayed home for a couple of years, in Naija and in the West. I work now, because our kids are much older/independent and household expenses have grown. My extended family do not pry in my business so I didn't have to explain to anybody but I know it took a lot for my Mum not to say anything. She started working at 18 and only retired when she had a solid gold pension and left with a sizable package. If she were dead, she might have turned in her grave, she drummed career mum into me at an early age.

I stayed home but I have always had access to everything my husband has/earns and vice versa. I am that wife that knows where everything is and whose husband will "sign here" without a second glance because of mutual trust. It doesn't matter which gender plays the lead financial role, trust is non-negotiable when it comes to money, epecially for a Naija couple.

Tnx dear, I can c my friend smiling, I guess u've given her food 4 tot.

I think your friend husband is not being fair.Also your friend should have sorted this out ages ago.I keep saying that if you have to nag and cry for money from any other human being(everyone forgets we now have stay home dads and yes i know a few) then you have no business earning no income.In this case earning income does not necessarily mean having a 9-5.

Let her respectfully(we know people like her husband cherish respect)let him know that she is tired of placing all her familial obligations on him(like she is doing him a favour) cos she needs to take care of her aged dad.Where these is a will there is a way so she better start looking for funding and you her friend can help with that.My mum helped a woman like that by giving her goods to go and sell without taking money but she was introduced by a good friend of my mum so she knew she might not run away.If in Nigeria esp there are lil lil ways to make some money (if you are not too proud).

As an aside though why must self esteem in marriage be tied to bringing in an income?Just saying you might even the bread winner and have zero self esteem.And yes i know someone who can buy her husband financially and he still belittles her,she must be the one to act like aridin so people won't say its cos she has money?I personally think finance though important is something that can be settled among couples if there is love.So if my hobby loses his job or is incapacitated(God forbid) and can't earn for a while,he is now less a human being?

jusRadical: What are the home chores that are becoming too much? Sweep the house, cook, wash clothes (of course not everyday), get water (not everyday also) and mop/clean the house (not everyday too). Why have the home chores suddenly increased? As your kids get older, they help you more.

Don't ever go there!even as a housewife,if u don't hv a hubby dat help out,it is very tiring and from d post,a hubby that can't give his wife money for upkeep will also not think of buyin house gadgets dat makes home magnmt easy!what a pure choleric! So self centered and egoistical! Madam, stamp ur feet and fight for ur right.its these kind of men that furnish apartments for diff ladies and neglet d lady of d house.
I've seen such type before.he stopd his wife from doin her teachin work,very small amt for monthly feeding and nothin for d wife.on top of that his siblins come and go any how with one livin with them.d poor woman was managin d small amt.she will get one lipton tea and boil in a jumbor kettle for everybody.na so dey carry d woman go village,only her and her family d chop our bro money,bla bla bla.wen d first daughter married,she now understands what's up in marriage and stood up for d bro wife.d man has changed sha for d best.so pls fight and fight any how u can do it.I hate such men so much

Na wa ooooh . . . I guess it's true, marriage is really falling apart. People no longer see their spouses as part of themselves, rather they see them as the other person in my life, trying to bring me down.

@ Poster, one thing is for sure, your friend married a wicked and selfish man!

If he had a younger sister passing tru same in the hands of her husband, I wonder how happy he'll be?

How can she get a job without his help, with 3 young kids in tow? When she goes for job search, who babysits? When she gets called for an out of town interview, who takes care of the kids? When she has to take and extra course to brush up her skills, who takes care of the home

The most wicked act of all is depriving her of money for upkeep! Poor woman . . .

Should she divorce him? No, but she needs to sit up. No more taking rubbish from him. She needs to find ways to get a job, with or without his help. Someday she will succeed and when that day comes, she'll hire a nanny with her money and make her life easier. That's the only thing she can do in this circumstance!

debrief08: Funny enough I was discussing with some men about widowhood, and I said any woman who sits at home in the age despite her husband's wealth is on her own. I was almost lyched by these men who sent me several versions of "She doesn't work' she is not just a housewife" story.
Me I have said and will continue to say, no woman should believe the "I will take caare of you" story. Even if you don't have a 9+5 look for somethig to do.
You are an adult, nobody should be totally responsible for you financially.
I am an advocate for respecting my husband but he is not your God, sometimes especially in times like this you have take decisions that are good for you.
Your friend can sit and helplessly cry from today till next year, if that's the kind of man I ssuspect it won't move him, he is happy to have such total power over her.
She should dust up herself now and forge ahead, what to do?
1. Write a comprehensive business plan (a job may not be forth coming now), a realistic one, where she has ffully assesed the challenges and potentials, profits and possible loss and market for such an item. She should also highlight possible sources of funding not just asking her husband for money for business
2. When she has come out with the plan, she can approach local money lenders if its a great business plan they will loan her the funnd and because she knows its a loan with interest she will be forced to work extraa hard and pay
3. Kids: she is not the only one with kids, we all work with kids and we find ways to make it work

Now my advice to other ladies, no human being is responsible for you, no man who loves you will seek to totally control you, it may be fun for a few years but the daay to pay will come. Even hif he carries the burden without lamenting he may loose the Job one day or may die, then you turn a widow with kids, nno skills, no business management experience, start from square one and this time not on your own.
Your youth is time to build, work and grow, may you not in old age with kids start to try to do what you should have done for yourself in youth

Madam DB I agree with you oh, it's easy to do all these if those kids weren't around. The man has refused for her to hire a nanny so she has to take care of them all the time.

When I went for my MPA project defense, my hubby had to take a leave of absence and took care of our 2-month baby while I went about my business. When I went for my job interview nko? it was out of town and he had to travel with us, took care of the kid while I went for the interview and subsequent induction. Did he get the job for me? No. But I couldn't have done it without him.

This poster's husband is not just unsupportive, he's also very wicked.

I hate men like that . . .

@ poster
Please tell ur friend I said she is a lazy woman! She is so d@ft!
I will put d 150% blame on her while 50 wil go to d husband! Did d husband tie her down not 2go & find work?
By d way, wots dir age diff?! A graduate of 10 yrs marriage with no work experience shld forget abt getting an office work 4now! And wot does she want 2do wit masters? Such lazy woman!
I guess she is just using her husband as an xcuse! She is not ready 2work herselfb
If she's a very serious woman & she has plans 4herself & not enjoyin all d gossips going on in her are, wot happens 2 deducting frm monthly allownace being given to her 2buy food stuff? Am sure within 1yr if she s doing contribution, she wuld hv had some savings 2set her sef up!
Wot happens 2learning how to sow? Or with small capital like 5 or 10k, let her start making puff puff or buns @ home & take it 2schs 2sell! From dre she will grow in2 somethg bigger!
She has decided 2add no value 2her self, hw does she expect d husband 2value her?
No man wil ever respect u if dey knw u rely solely on them!
@ poster if u r working, u can borrow her some money! Not 2do business but 2go & learn sowing!
Let her take a step 1st & see if d husband wil kick against her!
Like some1 said earlier, her kids r alrdy in sch so dat shldnt b an issue!
She's complaining of house chores whn she's doesn't hv anywhere 2go or anythg 2dob
I wish she's my friend & I wuld b glad 2 rain abuses on her!
Poster if usef is such a good friend, dre is not point bringing her matter here!
Do u think pple will tell her 2divorce or wot?!
I guess birds of d same feather...
Pls we shldnt blame dat man much but d yeye house wife!

Uju I know oh, I had a non supportive spouse oh so I know how far.
If I didn't have the husband I have now only God knows how I will deal with the majority of issues I am dealing with.
I have not spent 3 weeks with my family since January, yet my husband has been my backbone. Even when I have said let me resign and face my family and the chaallenges we are facing he won't hear of it, instead he has adjusted his schedule asked for his moms help to keep ourr home running.
In this case she has a man who is happy keeping her there and having someone to abuse she should sit up and draw a map for her life

nikkykay: @ poster
Please tell ur friend I said she is a lazy woman! She is so d@ft!
I will put d 150% blame on her while 50 wil go to d husband! Did d husband tie her down not 2go & find work?
By d way, wots dir age diff?! A graduate of 10 yrs marriage with no work experience shld forget abt getting an office work 4now! And wot does she want 2do wit masters? Such lazy woman!
I guess she is just using her husband as an xcuse! She is not ready 2work herselfb
If she's a very serious woman & she has plans 4herself & not enjoyin all d gossips going on in her are, wot happens 2 deducting frm monthly allownace being given to her 2buy food stuff? Am sure within 1yr if she s doing contribution, she wuld hv had some savings 2set her sef up!
Wot happens 2learning how to sow? Or with small capital like 5 or 10k, let her start making puff puff or buns @ home & take it 2schs 2sell! From dre she will grow in2 somethg bigger!
She has decided 2add no value 2her self, hw does she expect d husband 2value her?
No man wil ever respect u if dey knw u rely solely on them!
@ poster if u r working, u can borrow her some money! Not 2do business but 2go & learn sowing!
Let her take a step 1st & see if d husband wil kick against her!
Like some1 said earlier, her kids r alrdy in sch so dat shldnt b an issue!
She's complaining of house chores whn she's doesn't hv anywhere 2go or anythg 2dob
I wish she's my friend & I wuld b glad 2 rain abuses on her!
Poster if usef is such a good friend, dre is not point bringing her matter here!
Do u think pple will tell her 2divorce or wot?!
I guess birds of d same feather...
Pls we shldnt blame dat man much but d yeye house wife!

R u ok up there?
With 3 kids? U rant cos u've not met such men!some do worst things. If u r not married,pray dat such men dare not cross ur way!worst still if his family supports him! A cousin of mine,a medical doctor stayed at home for some yrs untill her chilren were secured enuf.so before u unleash ur anger on her,step into her shoe.some can fight,others r d cool follow along type,any time she wakes up is her morning and yes she can still get work! No be naija she dey!

she must talk to her husband and show him that she needs the job or else sh must just be the woman who does what she pleases without divorcing him. if there should b a divorce let the man be the one to initiate it but yo frnd must b tought not let his habits get to her course that is exactly wat he wants.

yellowpawpaw:
R u ok up there?
With 3 kids? U rant cos u've not met such men!some do worst things. If u r not married,pray dat such men dare not cross ur way!worst still if his family supports him! A cousin of mine,a medical doctor stayed at home for some yrs untill her chilren were secured enuf.so before u unleash ur anger on her,step into her shoe.some can fight,others r d cool follow along type,any time she wakes up is her morning and yes she can still get work! No be naija she dey!

it is easy to condemn,,,,.....

Ujujoan: Na wa ooooh . . . I guess it's true, marriage is really falling apart. People no longer see their spouses as part of themselves, rather they see them as the other person in my life, trying to bring me down.

@ Poster, one thing is for sure, your friend married a wicked and selfish man!

If he had a younger sister passing tru same in the hands of her husband, I wonder how happy he'll be?

How can she get a job without his help, with 3 young kids in tow? When she goes for job search, who babysits? When she gets called for an out of town interview, who takes care of the kids? When she has to take and extra course to brush up her skills, who takes care of the home

The most wicked act of all is depriving her of money for upkeep! Poor woman . . .

Should she divorce him? No, but she needs to sit up. No more taking rubbish from him. She needs to find ways to get a job, with or without his help. Someday she will succeed and when that day comes, she'll hire a nanny with her money and make her life easier. That's the only thing she can do in this circumstance!

Abi o.All these people shouting lazy woman,one of the hardest things to do is work around an supportive spouse with kids.Its an acquired skill juggling kids with a career esp if you don't have family around you.I know cos there is no way i could manage at work without hubby helping with the kids.Is it the away training?Is it when he has to leave work to pick up my daughter at nursery cos my manager says sorry i can't spare you?Is it him dropping and i pick so i can get flexible working?Is it him staying home with the kids so i can quickly run out to chase my small business?Except you have family to around you its bloody almost impossible to do stuff with an unsupportive spouse when you have little children.And yes even if they are at school cos sometimes what you pay on childcare might not even be worth the small profit you might make.
As has been said the man is just mean cos your wife is part of you.

@ ypp
Am very much ok!
Is it a must woman does an office work as a graduate?!
I hvnt got married but ds can never happen 2me even if I get married 2d president of nigeria!
If a man doesn't want u 2work , he wil b ready 2make an alternative like start business 4u whc wil make u 2hav time 4d family!
If he doest want business, dre shld b monthly allowance whc I knw a man dat does ds 4his wife!
But if none of ds ddnt happen in 10 good yrs such woman shld hav woken up b4 now!
There some men dat wl say okay let hav children 1st so dat afta u go back 2work whc is another thing but in her case it isn't like dat!
Wot is she waiting 4 all ds while! Has she called d husband 2find out wot e wants her 2do?!
Wot of if somethg happens 2d bread winner 2mrw God forbid! Will she b blaming her husband?
A home is being made by d woman! She can start somethg on her own without d husband! Let her do ds 1st & c d husby rxn! Frm dre she can involve d family!
So hw has sh
e been by sanitary pad, undies, make her hair or clothes in d last 10yrs?!
She has every right 2pull hersef out of ds cage but because she's lazy like I said she has decided 2remain dre!
Let her make a move 1st & c if d husband wil beat or threathen divorce like she's thinking now?
So she thinks divorce is d final soln! Let her check hersef! Cos I hav never come across ds type of a man

debrief08: Uju I know oh, I had a non supportive spouse oh so I know how far.
If I didn't have the husband I have now only God knows how I will deal with the majority of issues I am dealing with.
I have not spent 3 weeks with my family since January, yet my husband has been my backbone. Even when I have said let me resign and face my family and the chaallenges we are facing he won't hear of it, instead he has adjusted his schedule asked for his moms help to keep ourr home running.
In this case she has a man who is happy keeping her there and having someone to abuse she should sit up and draw a map for her life

I'm happy at the bolded. It shows you considered it but in the end it was not going to be a joint decision so it became a non-option. On the other hand, it's a viable option for some couples, the reason why we shouldn't be quick to denigrate women who opt for it and call them names.

Of a truth, women are their own worst enemies, quick to call other women names, whether it's "husbandless" "childless" or "lazy"

gbengaola: some men will not want their wives to work because of the fear that she might be taken away from them by her boss or colleagues,and ordinary monthly upkeep they wont also want to pay all in the name of they are responsible to the children,remember if u dont take care of your wife and she becomes ugly,she remains your property,some men could be so wicked,why on earth will u not give money to your wife?(if u dont have it,what of that ridiculous step of that man not giving money to his own in-law just for transport,obviously the man is heartless and not normal).In fact,some animals in human skin are in the institution called marriage,is marriage not supposed to be like heaven on earth?she is lazy,accepted but love her with that cos it is now your cross.I want to believe she needs his consent to search and get a job,or his connection(is this too much from husband to his wife)

NOW MY ADVICE: let her remind the so called husband of the monthly upkeep,if he refuses,let her tell him to not disturb her from getting a job,if he refuses,then at this stage,i dont think it will be wrong to call upon external bodies,the man needs a iron hand,let her inform her parents and his parents to come and judge the situation.

Well some men are just too self centered to help their wife's in any way. I have a friend whose husband has connections and her job is not paying her well and its also stressful but the man won't help her in getting a better job. How do u see that kind of man? A man who goes to work comfortable in his ride and allow his wife and kid trek and jump bike to get to daycare and work cos he says his work is tedious not minding the stress the woman is going through. A man that does not help his In laws but take care of his own family, a man who does not ask or discuss future plans with his wife. A man who is Selfish, selfish and selfish I need to be corrected if i am wrong please

@nickykay.sorry I used a derogatory statement on u.I was angered by ur outburst.we r livin in a practical and realistic society.and this is naija where some pple still believe wives r slaves while dey r master. I'm so passionate abt dis cos I've seen countless women became slowpoke bc of their spouses.it can b viseversa. unless there is somethin @op is not tellin us,it is real my dear. she is regarded as a ppty, mind u wen datin,they r not always like dis.once they acquire u,wen d excitment dies away,u c their true color.they also go for'I don't want problem'kind of mate.at least she want to help herself so let's encourage her d right way instead of killin d remainin self esteem pls.who know,d guy might turn around.at least that's my prayer

OP,
You better mind your business. She most likely married him, knowing his expectations and the kind of person he is. She also seems like a whiner. Maybe she is not getting what she expected to be getting from him to keep her lifestyle. All the time she stays at home, instead of thinking of creative ideas, she comes to you to discuss her problems. Yet she claims the husband won't let her leave the house. If the money does not come to you, you have to go to the money. She needs to sit down and map a creative strategy to a business idea for the husband. Which would not make her neglect her agreed housewife status. How can you sit down and complain your husband refused to look for a job for you. A graduate for that matter.lmao.

Some people are just hell bent on making excuses in life.

She has 3 kids? Did she have 3 kids the day they got married 10yrs ago?

WHy didnt she think of getting a job 10yrs ago.

Claiming your husband stopped you is not a good enough excuse when your husband said you cant work, Did you ask him what other alternatives exist or what would you be doing with your time when you didnt have any children?

Apparently you were enjoying it sitting at home watching TV and doing neighbourhood gossips all day

WHile sitting at home what stops you from getting a sewing machine and learn tailoring? Its beneath you abi? What of making peoples hair? Thats for Local people abi? Since you are home what stops you from telling working neighbours to drop their kids with you for a fee?

When your kids go to school what do you do at home from 8-4pm? I am sure these are the kind of women that wake up at 11-12noon and complain all day

I am sure she would say she is cleaning, washing plates and cooking between 8am and 4pm. Even people washing plates for 1000 people dont spend 9 hours doing it

yellowpawpaw: @nickykay.sorry I used a derogatory statement on u.I was angered by ur outburst.we r livin in a practical and realistic society.and this is naija where some pple still believe wives r slaves while dey r master. I'm so passionate abt dis cos I've seen countless women became slowpoke bc of their spouses.it can b viseversa. unless there is somethin @op is not tellin us,it is real my dear. she is regarded as a ppty, mind u wen datin,they r not always like dis.once they acquire u,wen d excitment dies away,u c their true color.they also go for'I don't want problem'kind of mate.at least she want to help herself so let's encourage her d right way instead of killin d remainin self esteem pls.who know,d guy might turn around.at least that's my prayer

And this helpless woman was blind and hypnotized when she was getting into the marriage?

Maybe their husband use juju on them

What wont we hear. When human beings refuse to take responsibilities for their own action rather blame everything, If its not the husbands fault, its the parents, the govt or the devils fault

gladiator12:
Well some men are just too self centered to help their wife's in any way. I have a friend whose husband has connections and her job is not paying her well and its also stressful but the man won't help her in getting a better job. How do u see that kind of man? A man who goes to work comfortable in his ride and allow his wife and kid trek and jump bike to get to daycare and work cos he says his work is tedious not minding the stress the woman is going through. A man that does not help his In laws but take care of his own family, a man who does not ask or discuss future plans with his wife. A man who is Selfish, selfish and selfish I need to be corrected if i am wrong please

You are wrong.

A family that lives in Abule Egba the man works in VI, the woman works around the area and the kids daycare is around. Who should be driving the car?

What law says a man has to help his inlaws? A man who is truggling to make ends meet whose wife is still trekking but na to help inlwas be the priority?

A man only has obligation to himself and his immediate family, Helping inlaws is tertiary

I tire for some people sha

dayokanu: Some people are just hell bent on making excuses in life.

She has 3 kids? Did she have 3 kids the day they got married 10yrs ago?

WHy didnt she think of getting a job 10yrs ago.

Claiming your husband stopped you is not a good enough excuse when your husband said you cant work, Did you ask him what other alternatives exist or what would you be doing with your time when you didnt have any children?

Apparently you were enjoying it sitting at home watching TV and doing neighbourhood gossips all day

WHile sitting at home what stops you from getting a sewing machine and learn tailoring? Its beneath you abi? What of making peoples hair? Thats for Local people abi? Since you are home what stops you from telling working neighbours to drop their kids with you for a fee?

When your kids go to school what do you do at home from 8-4pm? I am sure these are the kind of women that wake up at 11-12noon and complain all day

I am sure she would say she is cleaning, washing plates and cooking between 8am and 4pm. Even people washing plates for 1000 people dont spend 9 hours doing it

I just spat my coffee on my table reading this! Dayo you don enter am! No excuse for any lazy bone Abeg leave story for Peter Pan .

jidegirl12: I just spat my coffee on my table reading this! Dayo you don enter am! No excuse for any lazy bone Abeg leave story for Peter Pan .

I am trying to figure it out

You have 3 kids probably 2 of them are in Nursery school already So you have 1 at home with you all day but you still need nanny for one child.

What do you do from 8-3pm when assuming 2 kids are away? Washing plates of a household of 5? Do people wash clothes daily?

So between 8-4pm for 10yrs you cant learn how to braid hair? cant learn sewing cant even do local Nanny But its the husbands fault that he didnt find a job for you. And later send you for masters.

Before she married the husband was she working? Someone that never worked would also blame the husband for not writing her CV. She was enjoying the lazy life of sitting at home.

Don't mind her jare , I have 3 kids all under 10, no relatives around and my house may look disorganized when you visit on weekdays oh but I manage well .

Every poster that supports her did that cause of MMtimo's long post, How many men today will do what her husband sacrificed for her? ( she's old school) sorry sis but it's true.

Uju's husband probably followed her and care for the baby because she's securing a good job that'll improve BOTH of their lifestyles.

Debrief's husband probably gently declined her idea to Quit her good job because her income makes a good difference in their lives.

And I'm no exception either.

Abi who doesn't want to live a comfortable life? irirun igi ni irorun eye( little wade-in/help goes a long way and it's better than nothing).

Jide has come again. What sacrifice did my husband do that is more than what I did? I'm the one that put my career on hold (willingly and gladly) because I earn less. It's for the overall good so it's really not a big deal.


Right now, he's asking that I consider cutting back on work for the next two years, just work part time. Our schedules have gotten crazy and we are beginning to feel like the kids are not getting adequate attention from us.

P.S. How old is old school, I'm curious to know. Why would younger men not consider it