DON’T GO THAT WAY

I laid on my bed thinking the whole stuff through. This was the fifth time I would be repeating the same feat but my thought pointed nowhere. It just kept staring right into my eyes. I was shaken that even my breaths were coming in shakes too. I know it pays to be funny but then, how funny could one be that would want to cost him his life.

A life that I so cherished and never wanted to give up, well, we all must die someday but I want to leave up to 80 years lying peacefully on my bed with a pretty damsel sucking my dcckk till I see the bright lights. What death could be as sweet as that, climaxing then finding yourself in heaven?

That’s how wild my imagination can run and I really allowed it to run wild that day, if not extra wild all in the hope of being funny. I ended up apologizing to the school authority. Though that is not even the main story but I could deflect a little bit since I am the writer and my readers would always find fun digging into my world of fantasies.

First, most of my works are 95% fiction and 5% reality, the whole pregnancy saga, erotic stories, Attai the player from Kano and what have you but the biography is as real as my dcckk dripping with seed sucked forcefully by a girl with lips as tender as olives.

That said and done, let me delve into one of my fantasies again.

“Attai, we are having world women day in the convocation hall and I want you to do what you do most, come and be a standup comedian”

AU (You remember the Dean of Student Affairs) said.

“Well, sir you know I can’t refuse you but I am preparing for EEC122 test and it is proving to be tough sir.”

I replied him. I was standing respectfully in front of his table after I had been summoned by him on phone. That is a relationship that is normal in my school, having even the Rector’s number and calling just to say “hi” to him. Once in a blue moon though we also receive our own “hi’s from him”.

“What are you trying to insinuate?”

AU asked, lowering his dark goggles in the process. I looked him in his eyeball, he definitely has a red one but I wonder why he uses the glasses even in the night and right here in his office. I shifted on one leg and pinched my buttocks.

“Sir, I’m not saying I won’t be available sir, but you know, it can cost me my CA sir”

I answered. We had been thought how to use the word “sir” both at the beginning and the ending of every statement we made in school to our lecturers. They enjoy being referred to as such.

“Well, you have to do it because I enjoyed the display you put on during your matriculation. You know, you will be doing better if you had joined my department when I offered you the chance, but you chose Computer Engineering and here you are.”

He said before looking down at the document he was busy with. If he had asked a question with that statement then I had no answer than to stand and pace around the office looking at his various pictures adorning it and medals plus trophies the school had won during competitions.

I know he had tried to make me join his department but I hated Chemistry, I told myself I had left balancing equations behind so would not want to revisit it anymore. If all I would do is to keep calculating, I will as long as there is no need to balance equations. What would a guru like me be doing in Polymer Department I had asked myself when he brought the idea the day he met me with the Academic Secretary trying to sort my admission. My ar.sse had been kicked out of Elect/Elect Department for had a D7 in English language. Just imagine!!! I ended up a computer Engineer.

“Sir, are you going to help me talk to the lecturer sir?

I asked this time because I had a hidden agenda in mind. Entertainers don’t read, they pass through school with high grades.

“Yes, who is the lecturer?”

He asked.

“Malam Salihu”

I replied him.

“Owk, don’t worry, I will do my best. You can go.”

I had struck the deal. I knew money would be involved because I counted a lot on the day of matriculation when I had forced the MC to include my name as a road side entertainer. I ended up wowing the crowd and making money to keep me for some time. Everybody wanted to take a picture with me; I became an instant celebrity both in the eyes of the school authority and the students. I ignored the job of an MC because they don’t make extra cash but a comedian does.

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“Na slap my mama dey carry wake me up go piss in the night after every one hour. Like say she set alarm because when one minute use pass that one hour, na piss go full room like swimming pool. I piss for bed sotey my mama carry me go pastor make them pray for me. When pastor say I go sleep for church for three days, after the first day nobody tell am before him pursue me go house. Church nearly collapse because I piss from 8:00pm till 8:00am in the morning.” (Copyright protected)

I was on top of my jokes. The whole school was roaring with laughter as I dished jokes after jokes. Then came the time for the joke of the day, the joke caused me my celebrity status and also humbled me in an annoying manner.

“Na when I start this school I know say English no be our first language. Na Arabic we dey take learn English for class. If na lie ask our Rector”

They laughed but that sealed it. I was nearly rusticated from the school, just for cracking a joke I had kept inside of me for so long. Choi.

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Well, that wasn’t even what made me open this thread and take you down imaginative and creative writing. What prompted me was my remembering how sensitive some issues are when mocked or spoken against. Though I have never spoken against anything before and was even ignorant to know I was digging my grave, I still was not spared the beating.

I was in JSS 2 then.

“Who can make a sentence using an adverb?”

Miss Modupe asked that fateful day. I raised my hands up, I wanted to get back at my classmate that had used my name in a crazy sentence. The boy was a Muslim and he bears a name most people bear down north.

“Mohammed ran stupidly across the road.”

For Mohammed was the name of my classmate. I woke up in the Proprietor’s office, I know I received a slap from behind and tried to parry blows and other slaps before something hard landed on my head.

I had passed out.

Why is this in the religion section? Shouldnt this be in the fiction section? By the way, is there a fiction section ?