bukatyne: At Op,

Let's use the below as a case study,

[url] My Husband Is In Love With Another Woman.[/url]

what advice would a counselor give?

biolabee:

I think you mean My Hubby Is In Love With Another woman

@AyeeIdris.. what do you think

bukatyne:

I do, thanks.

How did you do that?

I think you mean [urd=https://www.nairaland.com/1318779/husband-love-another-woman]My Hubby Is In Love With Another woman[/url]

biolabee:

You put the link in the url hypertext
See below


i replaced 'l' with 'd'.

bukatyne:

ok, thanks.

How did you get the link? I just copied and pasted

biolabee:

go to the thread and copy from the address bar
Here the title is https://www.nairaland.com/1318779/husband-love-another-woman

Ayee Idris: I remember reading the story. Now if I was a marriage counsellor which I am not, I would deal with the couple seperately. I would first hold sessions with the man. Try and find out what is attracting him to the other woman. Is it the sex? Is it that she is very easy to confide in? Does she have certain attributes that his wife lacks? There must be some hold that binds them together and when the hold is discovered, then breaking it would be doable. Does he genuinely want to stay with his wife or is he holding on for the kids? That answer would determine what step to take, cos love can be rekindled, if the counselor understands the couple and puts them through the right series of test. As for the wife, the trust has been broken. Is the love still the same? Is it possible that she is hard to share things with? Does she make him constantly feel guilty for his past deed. Is she staying cos she wants to make it work or because she has to. Did she miss the signs? Was it an affair turned to love? Women tend to focus more on kids then the hubby. Maybe she neglected him emotionally. After getting to the very root, i will then have joint couple sessions, where I would have the couple genuinely speak their minds without repercussion. For a marriage to heal, both parties must make d effort. The husband needs to break off all contact for real and start romancing the wife like when they were dating. The lady needs to forget or act like she has forgotten the affair and act like a young couple in love. This is not fool proof and I don't even know d first course for marriage counselling classes. Na just sense I dey use answer.

Ayee Idris: I remember reading the story. Now if I was a marriage counsellor which I am not, I would deal with the couple seperately. I would first hold sessions with the man. Try and find out what is attracting him to the other woman. Is it the sex? Is it that she is very easy to confide in? Does she have certain attributes that his wife lacks? There must be some hold that binds them together and when the hold is discovered, then breaking it would be doable. Does he genuinely want to stay with his wife or is he holding on for the kids? That answer would determine what step to take, cos love can be rekindled, if the counselor understands the couple and puts them through the right series of test. As for the wife, the trust has been broken. Is the love still the same? Is it possible that she is hard to share things with? Does she make him constantly feel guilty for his past deed. Is she staying cos she wants to make it work or because she has to. Did she miss the signs? Was it an affair turned to love? Women tend to focus more on kids then the hubby. Maybe she neglected him emotionally. After getting to the very root, i will then have joint couple sessions, where I would have the couple genuinely speak their minds without repercussion. For a marriage to heal, both parties must make d effort. The husband needs to break off all contact for real and start romancing the wife like when they were dating. The lady needs to forget or act like she has forgotten the affair and act like a young couple in love. This is not fool proof and I don't even know d first course for marriage counselling classes. Na just sense I dey use answer.

bukatyne:

This one don pass counseling na.

However look at it this way: if it was the wife that was the wrong party and you tried this counseling, do you think the hubby would listen to you?

There is nothing like getting it right before marriage.

See now, one mgbeke girl did traditional wedding without knowing the hubby's age. She is now asking NL what to do. What should we do? force him to talk? What will she do if he don't tell him age? Divorce him? There is really nothing she can do or we can advice other than P and E or I and E.

It's well.

bukatyne:

This one don pass counseling na.

However look at it this way: if it was the wife that was the wrong party and you tried this counseling, do you think the hubby would listen to you?

There is nothing like getting it right before marriage.

See now, one mgbeke girl did traditional wedding without knowing the hubby's age. She is now asking NL what to do. What should we do? force him to talk? What will she do if he don't tell him age? Divorce him? There is really nothing she can do or we can advice other than P and E or I and E.


It's well.

biolabee: Please what is P and E////

I always think of Physical Education.. sorry o

biolabee: you try,,, for a self acclaimed novice.. you have been superb!

However I will put a small curve ball and I'd like you to answer these questions

1.If the man is sezzually attracted to his mistress and is being loyal to his wife because of the kids.. what next?
2. can a woman really let go of the hurt
3. Can the man really keep out as this is deep and not just the normal poke and run...
4. Is your advice not contrary to the westen model which does not tolerate a cheating male

Ayee Idris:

How e pass counseling? Babe, people change. People hide their worst sides when dating. What do you do? People say that there are always signs but sometimes there is not. Imagine you are dating a guy. You have seen him get angry once or twice with his friends, which is normal. After all we are human. Every one gets angry. Now you are married, you discover that when he is angry with you, he breaks things. He twists your arm and screams the building down. This you didn't know because he never did any physical actions towards his friends that he was angry with. so what do you do?

The typical African mentality is that if the husband offends, forgive. If the wife offends, send her packing. Sadly, it is we women and our mothers that encourage this sort of reasoning, so who is to blame? As for the age thing, e no hard na. Check his driver's license. abi birth certificate or any other document that the bros has

Ayee Idris:

1. SexXual Attraction fades. Its the emotional attraction that one should fear
2. Women are strong o. Our mothers put up with a lot of BS and are still around, so Yes.
3. He can, if he really wants to save his marriage. besides the other lady is getting married and not just sitting there forming the other woman. There is hope.
4. Is that really the Western model. Because what I have seen from their marriage counselors is that they try to heal the hurt caused by cheating. They advice the couple to fix their marriage all the time. Unfortunately, most marriage there, like ours is slowly becoming, is very fickle and without substance and break with the slightest crack. No one wants to work on their marriage anymore

bukatyne:

As for who is to blame, it is the mothers and fathers that didn't train ther kids properly, women who think all God created them to do in this life is marry, tose that close their ears to the voice of reason because he is rich or handsome, and those who see marriage as a do or die affair.

bukatyne:

It's very good

I would believe that people hide their worse sides and not necessarily change. Most times, the signs are there but we ignore them. How does he/she treat other people around him/her especially those 'beneath his/her social status'.
We also need prayer in this stage. The Bible says that 'by their fruits (words, thoughts, actions, reactions, responses) you shall know them'. Most people exhibit little signs of who they really are during courtship but their partners are too lovey dovey to see it.

I wonder why the woman in my previous post suddenly thinks that oga's mouth would open and tell her his age because they are now married. The truth is that she can not force him to reveal his age. What if he locks all his document inside his drawer/safe, will she break it? What if under duress, he lies to her?

As for our African belief, that's the very reason why counseling might NOT work. A man feels he can offend his wife and nothing happens, why should he waste his hard earned money to go to a counselor's place? What does he have to lose, afteral, the wife is really going no where. A man that cannot respect the vow he made before the highest counselor, court etc (God) why should he respect what one 'grab and advice' counselor tells him?

As for who is to blame, it is the mothers and fathers that didn't train ther kids properly, women who think all God created them to do in this life is marry, tose that close their ears to the voice of reason because he is rich or handsome, and those who see marriage as a do or die affair.

nikkykay:
Why r u blaming parents?
If my mother tells me to be following sugar daddy in order to bring money home, must i do dat when i knw its not right?
I wont blame parents but the kids my sister.

nikkykay:
Why r u blaming parents?
If my mother tells me to be following sugar daddy in order to bring money home, must i do dat when i knw its not right?
I wont blame parents but the kids my sister.

ileobatojo:

Too much sheep mentality, 'we must follow follow the way our mothers did it'..... See NL for evidence, enough sheeple here..

bukatyne:

In fact, the thing tire me. Most women do not even know what they are created to do in this life. No vision, no mission statement that's why any Tom that comes for marriage is accepted and they start whinning after marriage.

'If you don't know where you are going to, anywhere becomes your destination'[i][/i]

bukatyne:

My dear,

The parents are accountable for what their kids do... that's why they are parents.

The Bible says... 'Train up a child in the way he/she should go and he/she is old, he/she will not depart from it.' God punished Eli for the sins of his children because he refused to train them even at their old age. However, if parents train their kids well they are exonerated if when they don't turn out well. An example is Samuel

For you to refuse following a sugar daddy means you have been trained to believe it is wrong. Have you not seen people who don't know that doing some wrong thing is wrong?

Most kids become who their parents trained them to be. Look at little children closely... have you seen anyone who lacks self-esteem? Whether the baby is wrapped in golden shawl or rags, they will both smile.

biolabee: As much as I agree with some things uve said it's not always like that

Was David a good father yes..

But his son overthrew him as king, another a ra.pist and one eyed his fathers's concubine

Samuel in his old age had so much pain due to his sons

A parent can try but God knows best

The same womb raised abel and abel's killer

biolabee: As much as I agree with some things uve said it's not always like that

Was David a good father yes..

But his son overthrew him as king, another a ra.pist and one eyed his fathers's concubine

Samuel in his old age had so much pain due to his sons

A parent can try but God knows best

The same womb raised abel and abel's killer

bukatyne:

It's not can try, it's MUST try.

We will not say because a lot of graduates are jobless hence we would not go to school

biolabee: As much as I agree with some things uve said it's not always like that

Was David a good father yes..

But his son overthrew him as king, another a ra.pist and one eyed his fathers's concubine

Samuel in his old age had so much pain due to his sons

A parent can try but God knows best

The same womb raised abel and abel's killer

biolabee: Hmmm...And if upon all your effort.. what next

It's not by power or might

The adebolajos will never in their wildest dream imagine their child will be a hacker of heads

Or mutallab wear a bomb in their undies

These thing is not a calculative science ooo
Parents are but stewards..
They water only
Na Baba dey give increase

biolabee: Hmmm...And if upon all your effort.. what next

It's not by power or might

The adebolajos will never in their wildest dream imagine their child will be a hacker of heads

Or mutallab wear a bomb in their undies

These thing is not a calculative science ooo
Parents are but stewards..
They water only
Na Baba dey give increase

bellong:

I beg to disagree with you about David.

David was a good man, friend and leader but he was a very BAD father.

That is why most of his children turned out the way they are. A man can be good to the society and be a bad father. Being a bad father does not necessarily mean being cruel to children. He had no time for those children he gave birth to in his early years because he was too busy with the affairs of the state.