hey guys, 
i have a little problem and i need some advice. I know its a bit long but please bear with me

I met this girl when we were still in school . i shall calll her tina. i really liked tina back then and she later told me she liked me too but i guess i was too slow in making my moves. Some other guy i knew was faster and she ended up dating him. We remained friends though. i met another girl (Tola) whom i fell in love with and dated. Years later Tina broke up with her boyfriend and remained my friend. I could tell that she had a crush on me but since i had a girlfriend i just sort of ignored her and we remained friends. however after about a  year, tola broke up with me and because i was broken hearted i turned to Tina for consolation. Somehow somehow while crying on  her shoulder we sort of hooked up and started dating.
Now after a few months of  being with Tina i assumed i was totally done with Tola since she had dumped me and all but suprisingly she came back! We had both contributed to the break up and so i cannot say its all her fault but she was all apologetic and willing to start the relationship afresh. she said she had needed time to be alone and think of the future. now that she has cleared her mind she s decided to  be with me for better or for worse.

Now i really love Tola, there s no doubt in my heart but as a guy man when she broke up with me (even though to a certain extent i had done stuff to deserve i t) after pleading with her a while i had decided to move on with my life and i was sort of happy with Tina. Tina knows Tola was my ex-girlfriend but what i telll her anytime she sees Tola calling or she asks me is that im totally over her. I like Tina, she s an angel,  she s even better looking than Tola and i know given time i ll get to love her,  but the truth is that i was with Tola for over two years and im not the sort of person who can just forget someone i love that easily.

the question is: How do i go back to Tola without breaking Tina s heart? because i know she loves me very mucch already,  and i don't want to  hurt her,  or should i stay with her?Pl,ease i need some advice Thanks

guy if i were in ur shoes although i was once in ur shoes i wud take time off 2 really know who really loves me, Tola left for greener pastures but as they say she got whiped really bad and feeling sorry 4 herself like the prodigal son she now wants u cos ure a mr Nice Guy, try asking her wat made her leave u at first and wat pushed her back if she has a good and honest reason then lets talk stay with ur Tina she was there for u when tola left u in the cold guy think

from everything you've said, me oo, i like tina pass tola.
but na you know better.

It might help if u actually give us a hint in what caused u and tola's breakup in the first place.

""did she leave u for some other man""??

@ busta
well sort of. her (tola) ex had been bugging her to re start their relationship and he had been telling her nasty stories about me. so when she finally caught me red handed in the act, she got fed up and left me 4 him. i pleaded with her for some time but she refused to listen to me. after a while i guess she decided i was 4 real. she tells me she doesnt love her ex, but she trusts him cos she knows he loves her, unlike me., she says she finds it hard to trust me now.

i really have no doubt in my mind that i love tola. we were planning to get married b4 we broke up (mainly because she caught me sleeping with some female totally irrelevant to this story--oops my bad!). unfortunately sh.t happened and i started to get used to tina. i have feelings 4 tina and i m sure with time i ll get to love her as much as she loves me. but for now o, im still in love with tola.

i really dont wanna hurt tina, at the same time mayb i should just stay with her, cos i know she loves me very much.

@poster,please try and stick to Tina because a friend in times of pain is a friend indeed,Tina was always there as a friend years back and now as a lover and has never cost you pain.But tola took the advantage that you love her and cause you pain,that means she doesn't love you enough.something made her go and who knows what brought her back,we know that love is the foundation of every relationships but there is more to just loving,other things have to follow if not that love cant last.think

some people confuse infatuation/lust with love.

You're obviously not in love

@bawomolo & co

look. im an adult. i know what it means to be in love. also, i consider myself a responsible adult. imade a mistake by cheating on tola and that is in the past. the point of this thread is how do i break up with tina without hurting her,  or is it advisable to just stay with her!

its amusing how many people turn their noses up on a moral issue like thyre Jesus Christ or something. im not proud of the situation i created 4 myself but suggesting that this is about infatuation/lust is a little condescending and insulting.

simeons:

@bawomolo & co

look. im an adult. i know what it means to be in love. also, i consider myself a responsible adult. imade a mistake by cheating on tola and that is in the past. the point of this thread is how do i break up with tina without hurting her, or is it advisable to just stay with her!

its amusing how many people turn their noses up on a moral issue like thyre Jesus Christ or something. im not proud of the situation i created 4 myself but suggesting that this is about infatuation/lust is a little condescending and insulting

hey if they are down with polygamy or a menage-o-trois, then why not keep them. if not, u are just gonna trap yourself in a love triangle.

still sidestepping the issue,

what do u want ,a pat on the back. just choose one and get it over with. u can't break up with someone without negative feelings

oga,  issues like this are definitely not your strong point
for your sake,  and because im in a very patient mood,  i ll translate to suit u:

Whats the eeasiest way to break up with a girl who loves you very much and does not desrve to be dumped!!!!

by the way do not bother with an answer,  youre obviously the type that willsay :get over me bitch!

From what i was able to glean from your story,i think it's a 2-way thing.you can go back to tola if you know that the  trust that was absent from the beginning of the relationship,you guys will be able to build it because it's a very key thing in a relationship,but i personally doubt that because without the issue of her catching you with another,you guys could not hold strong and you think it will be possible when the luttle one you had,had already been broken.

But as they say that sometimes trials make you stronger,

or you could be with tina and then try not to make the same mistkes you made and i beleive that as time goes on and you keep your faith in one another strong,you would eventually grow to love her.
because i believe it is better to be with someone who loves you than with the one you love.

Oga Simeons,

You never talk the whole truth about this matter finish.

Oya, marry the two women on the same day. No problem!

After the wedding, you go still dey sleep with different women until each one of them catches you in the act. The Tola girl sef, get time for nonsense. Wetin she forget for yah body wey she come back come take, especially since she don sabi say you dey sleep with another babe called Tina?

You dey confused. . . . .no be small. Too much awoof babes don run your belle!

thanks bussy,
laudate----

@posta

You'r not alone in this. I can assure you.

Obviously you'd see Tina deserves to be loved as she was there when u needed a shoulder. She would tell u she's fallen for you completely and beg you never to leave cz she's already into you and you honestly can't bear to break her heart after makin her believe you love her but the problem is that wv tola in the picture, there's alwz a possibility you'd cheat on Tina cz 2 years is not 2days unless there's no more sexual chem between you both (which I doubt). Funny enough, you cld have a loving and lasting relationship wv either of them in the long run.

Like I said, you not alone in this but this is nairaland and not tales by moonlight. Only a few persons will gv honest advise and no advise would go down wvout you havin to rethink. You have to hope Tina leaves you so you can start al ova with Tola as the situation is such that as long as she's not happy wv her situation, she'd alwz want you. (its obvious she fot she cld do wvout you but now realises its not easy esp if you'r her first love) but how can you out of nofin break Tina's heart? she doesnt dzv it and if anyfin, you'd loose her friendship altogether. Where does that leave you.

In summary,

Stick wv tina and hope she leaves you cz she doesnt dzv heart break esp as you'v made her believe you love her. Its easy to say follow your heart but it's easier said than done. However be warned that you'd alwz stand the chance of cheating on Tina as far as Tola is in the pic.

Al the best.

_{Wld come back to this thread}.

@poster

Have you written down your will. Cuz i can see that you are a dead man walking. _{***signed off***}

tngtech:

@poster

Have you written down your will. Cuz i can see that you are a dead man walking. _{***signed off***}

This is qte serious brova. Gud u not comin bck here.

simeons:

thanks bussy,
laudate----

You no dey serious. You remind me of one lawyer like that. . . . . . . Make I no talk too much as the person sabi imself. Anyway Oga Simeons, your 'tory don change o!

simeons:

@ busta
well sort of. her (tola) ex had been bugging her to re start their relationship and he had been telling her nasty stories about me. so when she finally caught me red handed in the act, she got fed up and left me 4 him. i pleaded with her for some time but she refused to listen to me. after a while i guess she decided i was 4 real. she tells me she doesnt love her ex, but she trusts him because she knows he loves her, unlike me., she says she finds it hard to trust me now.

i really have no doubt in my mind that i love tola. we were planning to get married before we broke up (mainly because she caught me sleeping with some female totally irrelevant to this story--oops my bad!). unfortunately sh.t happened and i started to get used to tina. i have feelings 4 tina and i m sure with time i ll get to love her as much as she loves me. but for now o, im still in love with tola.

i really don't want to hurt tina, at the same time mayb i should just stay with her, because i know she loves me very much.

Initially, you said that when you were dating Tola, you were busy sleeping around so much until she caught you red-handed with another babe, not so? Yet you claim to have loved her. Um, na wah o! Alright, what led you to mess around with another chic behind her back? When she caught you being unfaithful, did you stop & check yourself or make a vow never to repeat that kind of behaviour? Did you find ways to make amends and rebuild the trust you had already shattered in your relationship with her? Nope. Don't forget that rebuilding trust is not a day's job o, neither is it one months' work or done within a few short weeks.

Instead of acting like an honourable guy, you made a quick u-turn to jump into Tina's pants. A few months down the line, you have suddenly developed itchy feet (or loins) again, and instead of working on yourself & your character. . . . .you have decided to swing back in Tola's direction, claiming in a silly juvenile way, that you still 'love' her. Hmmn. . . . .we all know the brand of[i] 'love'[/i] that you have for her. It is the kind that leads you to fool around with other babes behind her back, and sleep with them when she isn't looking. Ah omo, I question this yah brand of love o , and I shudder to think of what you would do if you really hated Tola. I believe Tola had a lucky escape from you!

Now, let's get back to Tina. She was the one you jumped into bed with, after Tola had caught you 'nacking' another chic. Tina doesn't know your true nature yet, so she thinks that you are truly in love with her, as I'm sure you must have told her many fake stores coated with sugar. Anyway, now that you are bored with Tina, you are looking for a way to take your exit from the affair, without looking like a bad guy. So you have decided to make a bee line for Tola. I'm sure if you still got back into a relationship with Tola, you would still cheat on her again.

Keep hoping from one bed to the other, instead of seeking deliverance from the lustful tendencies that have held you in bondage. By the way, why are you still lusting after Tola when she now has a new boyfriend? can't you see that she has moved on with her life? Or was she the one that said she wanted to come back to you? Or are you just doing some wishful thinking with your loins, instead of reasoning logically with your mind?

Tola isn't what you need. Neither is Tina. What you really need is to look for a way to address the uncontollable urges that keep making you jump from one babe to the other! I don talk mah own finish. . . .

u made a mistake jumping into another girls hands immediately after ur seperation

after they will say women r cheap long hisssssssssssssssssssssssss

@poster

such is life anyway we all make mistakes,nobody is above mistake,but sometimes we can correct our mistakes,so correct urs

@Topic Singing TeTuLA . . . i'm inlove with two woman

Posta don fade!

@laudate
y so much beef??
it really amuses me when people put on airs and behave like they are above mistakes! Well i am not! and i am man enough to admit it! I made a mistake by cheating on Tolu and i was ready to face the consequences. By the way, their are parts of this story i am not willing to share because it infringes on the private life of another. Life is NEVER black and white, always try to remember that. i was the baddy in this story but that does not mean everybody else concerned was an angel.

I ve put my mistake in my past and because i slept with another woman does not mean im a womaniser or whatever! Throw the stone! ye who never hath sinneth before!
I only got involved with Tina when Tolu made it clear to me that she was not interested in a relationship with me anymore and in order to spite me she started dating her ex. i was so badly hurt that i realised getting her off my mind was the healthy thing to do. Tina gave me a shoulder to cry on but of course. she had other designs 4 me. I never wanted to start a relationship with her and i never tried to take advantage of her but she liked me so much she was sort of reckless. Im human, at that point i was not dating any1, the person i was in love with hated my guts and so i just sort of played along with her. besides i liked her, i could tell we could build a strong relationship if we tried since we had been friends 4 so long. however, i never counted on Tolu coming back, and that is the source of my present predicament. I ve sort of made up my mind, i ll tell Tolu to let us stick with our earlier decision to stay apart and try and build a relationship with Tina. She doesnt desrve to get hurt

am in love with two women i dont know which one to take !

@laudate
y so much beef??
it really amuses me when people put on airs and behave like they are above mistakes! Well i am not! and i am man enough to admit it! I made a mistake by cheating on Tolu and i was ready to face the consequences. By the way, their are parts of this story i am not willing to share because it infringes on the private life of another. Life is NEVER black and white,  always try to remember that. i was the baddy in this story but that does not mean everybody else concerned was an angel.

I ve put my mistake in my past and because i slept with another woman does not mean im a womaniser or whatever! Throw the stone! ye who never hath sinneth before!
I only got involved with Tina when Tolu made it clear to me that she was not interested in a relationship with me anymore and in order to spite me she started dating her ex. i was so badly hurt that i realised getting her off my mind was the healthy thing to do. Tina gave me a shoulder to cry on but of course. she had other designs 4 me. I never wanted to start a relationship with her and i never tried to take advantage of her but she liked me so much she was sort of reckless. I'm human,  at that point i was not dating anyone, the person i was in love with hated my guts and so i just sort of played along with her. besides i liked her,  i could tell we could build a strong relationship if we tried since we had been friends 4 so long. however, i never counted on Tolu coming back,  and that is the source of my present predicament. I ve sort of made up my mind,  i ll tell Tolu to let us stick with our earlier decision to stay apart and try and build a relationship with Tina. She doesnt desrve to  get hurt

Oga, there is no 'beef' anywhere. Na you take yah mouth talk say you dey 'nack' another babe behind Tola's back & she caught you red-handed. My guess is that it wasn't a one-night stand. You must have been doing it for a while, until she finally caught you in the act, not so?

Secondly, you also admitted that you made a dash for Tina after Tola had caught you with another babe. Abi na lie I talk? Are those not the facts?  All I did was to do a quick recap, analyse your actions and give you an opinion. So why are you talking about 'beef'? I don't get it o!

Now in your first post, you swung round in full circle to say you want to go back to Tola, (while you are still dating Tina o!). . . .ehen. . . .and that you don't know how to dispatch Tina out of your life, now that you want Tola back. All I did was point out to you that Tola now had a boyfriend, so why should you be talking of getting back with her, especially as you have now built up a relationship with Tina?

This your habit of going back & forth between different women ( which you so aptly described) was the subject of my response, and like I said before. . . . .check yourself. It is an unhealthy trait. Even if you and Tola get back together again, there is no guarantee that you won't cheat on her again & she wouldn't catch you in the act a 2nd time around, and dump your ass one more time. And if you still decide to stick to Tina, there is a huge chance you would definitely cheat on her too, a few weeks or months down the line (if you haven't done so already ,sef). So you are likely to still end up at square one. Me. . . .ah don talk my own.

Finally, just because you engage in a particular habit, doesn't mean everyone else shares the same tendency to engage in the same kind of act. So no one is "putting on airs and behaving like they are above mistakes." All am saying is that based on the scenario you have presented, you need to check yourself. It is silly to keep doing things the same way, and still expect a different result each time. 

simeons:

i was the baddy in this story but that does not mean everybody else concerned was an angel.

I ve put my mistake in my past and because i slept with another woman does not mean im a womaniser or whatever! Throw the stone! ye who never hath sinneth before!

You claim others were not angels. . . . .but no one said they were. Even if they were 'devils,' must you sink so low to their own bad level? You also said that sleeping with another woman does not make you a womaniser. Alright, I have heard. What exactly does it make you? An evangelist? Abeg, talk am well, well make we hear am o.

simeons:

I only got involved with Tina when Tolu made it clear to me that she was not interested in a relationship with me anymore and in order to spite me she started dating her ex. i was so badly hurt that i realised getting her off my mind was the healthy thing to do.

Hmmn. . . . .this is the one I find so difficult to understand. Correct me, if am wrong. Wasn't it because you were sleeping with another babe behind Tola's back, that made her dump you? Why were you claiming to have been badly hurt? When you were 'nacking' the other chic, don't forget that you were enjoying yahself oh! Or you didn't expect Tola to have gotten hurt when she saw you in the act?

Tell me, what exactly did you expect Tola to do, when she caught you with this other babe? Clap for you? Give you a standing ovation? Congratulate you? Lower her dignity and beg your 'cheating behind' to stay, despite the discovery that you had no self-control where other other girls were concerned? Pretend it was no big deal, like you are doing? Ah omo, I don't understand you oh!

You felt that jumping into Tina's undies was the best way to get Tola off your mind. No sweat. Now, tell us why are you coming here to seek for advice after you have already done the deed?

simeons:

Tina gave me a shoulder to cry on but of course. she had other designs 4 me. I never wanted to start a relationship with her and i never tried to take advantage of her but she liked me so much she was sort of reckless. I'm human, at that point i was not dating anyone, the person i was in love with hated my guts and so i just sort of played along with her. besides i liked her, i could tell we could build a strong relationship if we tried since we had been friends 4 so long. however, i never counted on Tolu coming back, and that is the source of my present predicament. I ve sort of made up my mind, i ll tell Tolu to let us stick with our earlier decision to stay apart and try and build a relationship with Tina. She doesnt desrve to get hurt

Stop contradicting yourself. In one breath, you claim that Tina had other designs on you & you never wanted to start a relationship with her. Shey, you remember? In another breath, you claim that you just sort of played along with her & you like her. Hehehe. . . . . .you want us to buy into that silly excuse that even a five-year old wouldn't swallow.

Oga Simeons, which one are we to believe? You said you never wanted to date her, yet you ended up doing just that knowing fully well that she had designs on you. You used Tina to get over Tola, and now she has served her purpose, you want to discard her. It is now that you know that she was reckless. See life?

You are merely trying to justify your actions, by laying the blame solely at Tina's doorstep. . . .but it won't wash. You played an active role in starting & sustaining a relationship with Tina. You didn't tell her NO that you were not interested in her, neither did you actively discourage her from getting intimate with you. Period. So stop brandishing cheap excuses by saying "you merely played along." I'm still scratching my head, trying to figure out what it means for a man to merely play along with a woman whom he knows had designs on him.  Maybe you can interprete that part for me.

simeons:

however, i never counted on Tolu coming back, and that is the source of my present predicament. I ve sort of made up my mind, i ll tell Tolu to let us stick with our earlier decision to stay apart and try and build a relationship with Tina. She doesnt desrve to get hurt

In what way did Tola stage a comeback? Are you sure that while you were dating Tina, you never went back to make contact with Tola, neither did you beg her to[i] renew [/i] your relationship?

Are you sure you were not secretly hoping Tola would have a change of mind and come back to you, during your relationship with Tina? And if Tola decided she wanted to come back of her own free will, did you bother to ask her why? Did you bother to find out if her 'hatred' had died down and what made her have a change of heart? Did you ask Tola what would happen to her new relationship with her ex-boyfriend that you claim she started dating again, after you guys broke up? Did you ask her what made her finally decide she could now[i] trust[/i] you again after all what has happened? A relationship without trust, is nothing but an empty shell about to shatter into irreparable fragments.

Ol' boy, you never start your journey o! Trying to swing back & forth between Tola & Tina isn't going to solve your problem. You said you'd stick to Tina. I can bet you would still fool around with a different chic behind Tina's back, even after building a relationship with her. Look inwards for the solution to your situation.  Ah don talk my own finish. Case closed.

@ poster

bla! bla!! bla!!!! hisssssssssses. Please go and sort out your infidelities and stop bothering Nairalanders joo. Love kin, in love ni, Please you pple shd stop abusing the word love, its certainly not meant for the like of you. If you actually love Tola (or Tina), you wouldnt have done anything to find fualt with yourself. Infact, why am I even contributing to this thread. I guess I just get pissed up when pple use words they dont understand!!

Anyway, am out,

@laudate
well, mayb i deserve the bashing. but let s get somethings straight.

I cheated on Tola. Ok already! She s forgiven me! and i have also decided to move on. It s in the past, let s leave it there. Sh.t happens and let me stress that there s another angle to this story that i will not discuss on this forum.

I admit I sort of used tina to get over Tola but i told Tina no lies. Anyways like i said ive made up my mind on what to do.

[Quote]@laudate
well,  mayb i deserve the bashing. but let s get somethings straight.

I cheated on Tola. Ok already! She s forgiven me! and i have also decided to move on. It s in the past,  let s leave it there. Sh.t happens and let me stress that there s another angle to this story that i will not discuss on this forum.

I admit I sort of used tina to get over Tola but i told Tina no lies. Anyways like i said ive made up my mind on what to do[/quote]

Alright if Tola has forgiven you and you have moved on[i] (in what sense?), [/i] why did you come here to yarn us this 'tory? 

As for your claim that you did not tell Tina any lies, I beg stop deceiving yourself. Because you are certainly not deceiving us.

Like I said in another thread on this site, a man who dates two women at the same time, will end up telling lies to one or both of the girls to cover his tracks, while he would also eventually end up lying to himself, to justify the reasons for the affair.

So kindly admit that as you were[i] playing along [/i] with Tina like you claimed, you were not totally honest with her on key issues. You may have kept mute over those issues, because you deliberately wanted to foster a wrong impression in her mind, and it suited you to let her think that way. That's because am sure you didn't tell Tina that despite your relationship with her, you were definitely still dying for Tola and you would have preffered to have had her in your bed, instead of Tina.

End of story.

@poster
Tony Tetuilla in da building