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At A Cross Road - Family - Nairaland

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I Want To Cross-dress Sometimes But My Wife / Photo!!! Man Cut Off Best Friend Hand And Abandon Him To Bleed To Death In Cross / Danger Zones You should Not Cross To Have successful Marriage. (2) (3) (4)

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At A Cross Road by Iyoaye1(f): 7:32pm On Jun 27, 2013
I really feel I nid to share my ordeals so dat at least pple cld come up wit ideas on wat step to take next.I am into a marriage of almost two years bt d ugly scenerio experience witin dis period amount to feeling d heat of hell! I neva enjoyed d union as my husband was used to getting angry at d slightest provocation promptin him to beat up.dis was not his first time as he is found of doing so.he has earliear send me packing before we later settled it.to cap it up he ask me to leave his house afta I accused him of not coming to sleep.he took d boldness to cal my mum dat he was nt interested in d marriage again.afta some wks he is back on his kneels asking me to come back.I told him to come and make appeasement wit my parents bt he said we shld forget abt d past and start afresh.there are no chidren between us yet bt I dnt want to commit an error the second time!....
Re: At A Cross Road by EfemenaXY: 7:57pm On Jun 27, 2013
Iyo-aye,

Normally, the first few of years of married life between a couple is the sweetest and is usually referred to as an extension of the 'honeymoon period', moreso as there are no kids yet.

Yes, no marriage is plain sailing. It's like a garden that needs to be tended to religiously and meticulously, else weeds will grow and 'choke' the flowers in there. It's easy for me to say communicate and work it out between you two, but I won't say that. Not now at least.

What I would say or rather ask of you, is for you to thoroughly search yourself. How have you conducted yourself thus far? I mean, you've accused him of sleeping outside, implying that his probably having an affair outside. You say he had the 'boldness' to call your mum to complain about his unhappiness about the union. Your husband is not your puppy nor at your beck and call for you to issue out orders or control what he does. Your using the phrase "he even had the boldness to..." shows that you too, lack respect for your man. He is not your lap dog!

What you've painted about the interaction about you both makes one wonder why you got married in the first place as you both are acting really immaturely. Did you not court or date your man before getting hitched? If you did date him, didn't you use that time to study him, his temperament and how how he reacts to certain situations?

Violence in a union is a no-no. He beats you up, sends you packing, then comes back on his knees begging for your return, you return and the cycle starts again? It sounds like you two had no business getting married in the first place and need to grow up fast! Your attitudes towards each other is certainly not a conducive environment to bring up a child.

You two need to sit down like mature responsible adults and discuss your differences. Be open with one another. Let him have his say, his complaints, his moans without you interrupting or shouting him down. Bite your tongue and let him have his say, to let out all that pent up feeling. When he's done, then you too state clearly what's bothering you and do it calmly. No shouting please. You might be surprises at what you find.

If that fails, then take things one step further and seek the advice of an elderly family relative (who's been married too). This relative should be one that you both, both respect and hold in high esteem. I don't know if marriage councellors do exist in naija. If they do, seek the services of one who is independent, calm and whom you both can learn from

3 Likes

Re: At A Cross Road by aadetoyin(f): 8:00pm On Jun 27, 2013
Am not in support of an abusive marriage but if he is ready to Ơ̴̴̴̴͡.̮Ơ̴̴̴͡ a counsellor and he is ready to prove that he has changed u can give him a try but if u notice he has not changed abeg run for ur dear life.
I don't want to hear that one man beat his wife to death.
Re: At A Cross Road by Nobody: 8:20pm On Jun 27, 2013
Iyo Aye .... Salt of the earth/world.

Error kę, this is your second marriage?

If you end up six feet under from his error using a baseball bat to crush your head out of anger, would anybody care number of times you're married?

Fi ogbon she oh.... ta ba n sukun a ma n riron oh... emi oh laro oh. smiley
( gosh I miss baba Oyo undecided)

1 Like

Re: At A Cross Road by baby124: 8:26pm On Jun 27, 2013
Divorcees have a higher rate of divorce again. I guess because they reach that "no bullshit" stage in their life, after the first divorce. Think about it well and see what you can do to make things better. If you feel your safety is at stake, then please maybe you do a trial separation. And then you guys can work on your issues from there. If it doesnt improve then am sorry my dear, you may have to take this bold step again. You never know if the 3rd would be the miracle. However, do what you can to work on this one without putting your life in danger. Hold off on kids for now. Until you are sure he is a Good husband first, and then will be a good father to your children.

2 Likes

Re: At A Cross Road by Nobody: 8:38pm On Jun 27, 2013
^^ Baby you know I read/heard that in every relationship books & seminars ... Bout divorce rate among Divorcees.

Any relationship that's physically abusive is not worth staying in ,my MO tho.
Re: At A Cross Road by baby124: 8:43pm On Jun 27, 2013
jidegirl12: ^^ Baby you know I read/heard that in every relationship books & seminars ... Bout divorce rate among Divorcees.

Any relationship that's physically abusive is not worth staying in ,my MO tho.

Yeap, its much higher. The thing they sometimes fail to realize is how they contributed to the divorce. Some people never learn lessons and apply them to their growth. They move from one house to the other with the same failed sensibility. First and foremost people dont look before they jump. They just want to get married. If someone has a trait that you know will always make you clash, why marry him? Most people lack patience. And we know patience and tolerance is big too. Also, sometimes both people are abusive in the relationship. Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can wound the spirit. Some women are really abusive with their mouth, while they have an equally physically abusive man. So sometimes, it is not easy to judge and make hasty conclusions. Some women can pick a fight with their reflection. If the 3rd time you are getting divorced, then maybe you are the problem. Madam, also try not to bring too many people into your issues. It also strains the relationship. Just pick someone who is independent and non partial who you both can go to. Someone the guy looks up to especially.
Re: At A Cross Road by Iyoaye1(f): 7:12am On Jun 28, 2013
Tank u efemena,I will do as u av said.God bless u real gud.
Efemena_xy: Iyo-aye,

Normally, the first few of years of married life between a couple is the sweetest and is usually referred to as an extension of the 'honeymoon period', moreso as there are no kids yet.

Yes, no marriage is plain sailing. It's like a garden that needs to be tended to religiously and meticulously, else weeds will grow and 'choke' the flowers in there. It's easy for me to say communicate and work it out between you two, but I won't say that. Not now at least.

What I would say or rather ask of you, is for you to thoroughly search yourself. How have you conducted yourself thus far? I mean, you've accused him of sleeping outside, implying that his probably having an affair outside. You say he had the 'boldness' to call your mum to complain about his unhappiness about the union. Your husband is not your puppy nor at your beck and call for you to issue out orders or control what he does. Your using the phrase "he even had the boldness to..." shows that you too, lack respect for your man. He is not your lap dog!

What you've painted about the interaction about you both makes one wonder why you got married in the first place as you both are acting really immaturely. Did you not court or date your man before getting hitched? If you did date him, didn't you use that time to study him, his temperament and how how he reacts to certain situations?

Violence in a union is a no-no. He beats you up, sends you packing, then comes back on his knees begging for your return, you return and the cycle starts again? It sounds like you two had no business getting married in the first place and need to grow up fast! Your attitudes towards each other is certainly not a conducive environment to bring up a child.

You two need to sit down like mature responsible adults and discuss your differences. Be open with one another. Let him have his say, his complaints, his moans without you interrupting or shouting him down. Bite your tongue and let him have his say, to let out all that pent up feeling. When he's done, then you too state clearly what's bothering you and do it calmly. No shouting please. You might be surprises at what you find.

If that fails, then take things one step further and seek the advice of an elderly family relative (who's been married too). This relative should be one that you both, both respect and hold in high esteem. I don't know if marriage councellors do exist in naija. If they do, seek the services of one who is independent, calm and whom you both can learn from
Re: At A Cross Road by BabaOyo(m): 7:18am On Jun 28, 2013
jidegirl12: Iyo Aye .... Salt of the earth/world.

Error kę, this is your second marriage?

If you end up six feet under from his error using a baseball bat to crush your head out of anger, would anybody care number of times you're married?

Fi ogbon she oh.... ta ba n sukun a ma n riron oh... emi oh laro oh. smiley
( gosh I miss baba Oyo undecided)
Yeye Oba of Oyoland!!!!!
Always with you in spirit!!!!!
Lolllllz!

1 Like

Re: At A Cross Road by Iyoaye1(f): 7:28am On Jun 28, 2013
Wat are u talking abt?do I say I was mrrd bfore?dis is my first and only marriage
jidegirl12: Iyo Aye .... Salt of the earth/world.

Error kę, this is your second marriage?

If you end up six feet under from his error using a baseball bat to crush your head out of anger, would anybody care number of times you're married?

Fi ogbon she oh.... ta ba n sukun a ma n riron oh... emi oh laro oh. smiley
( gosh I miss baba Oyo undecided)
Re: At A Cross Road by Chaulay1: 7:35am On Jun 28, 2013
@jidegirl and baby_123, d OP didn't say dis is her second marriage. I guess her not wanting to commit an error d second time meant going back to him only to continue with an abusive marriage all over again. The OP may wish to clarify incase I am wrong.
Re: At A Cross Road by BabaOyo(m): 7:37am On Jun 28, 2013
Iyo-aye:
Wat are u talking abt?do I say I was mrrd bfore?dis is my first and only marriage
~~~~~~~
She asked a question, not a statement!!
~~~~~~
In my opinion, if ur marriage is abusive you do have to watch out for yourself!
If ur husband has no qualms throwing you out of his house for whatever reasons & calling ur mom to tell her he doesn't want you anymore then I must say he is not matured or ready enough for marriage!!
Am still hoping u can solve things amicably between each other But make sure he has been thoroughly cleansed of all these violent & immature behaviour. May God guide you through!!

1 Like

Re: At A Cross Road by bellong: 8:13am On Jun 28, 2013
In every issue, especially this one, there are two sides to a coin. You have told your story but only gave details of the guy's wrong doings but no hints about how and what led to the violence. However, will try to work on the little information you gave here.

There is a saying in geology which is very useful to life, it goes thus "The past is the key to the present." I want to believe you guys courted. If you did, was there any sign of violent behaviour towards you or he was always nice to you? If there was no sign, you will need to try and reminiscence to trace when this violence started and why if he wasn't the violent type. Is his financial situation dwindling or he is getting frustrated from lack of children yet? Is there anyway you have altered or battered his ego to descend so low to resort in using violence to take his pound of flesh? These are the questions you need to ask and check. I do not and will not justify his violent reaction under any circumstances, however, you also need to learn in dwelling with your husband with respect and courtesy. There are times silence is required when he is angry, exchanging words with him at that point will yield no positive or beneficial result.

Now that you are separated for a while, I want to believe he has realised you are important to his life, hence his calling for reconciliation. Firstly, since he called your mum he was no longer interested, he has to show his sincerity and repentance by talking to her about his renewed interest and that he will stop battering you. You two also need to sit down and discuss on the way forward. Let him show and give you assurance that he will no longer resort to violence in resolving problem with you. If possible, let him give you a written agreement on that (though this may not be feasible). Invite both parents (yours and his) to a family meeting in resolving this, he can give his undertaking of turning a new leaf in their presence and am sure, they will also advice him.

After all these are done, you may go back to him (you need to play your part too in letting peace reign in the home). If he reneges on his vow and keeps beating and battering you, my sister, I will advice you stay away from such man before we hear another Arowolo's story.

It is well with your home.

3 Likes

Re: At A Cross Road by EfemenaXY: 2:19pm On Jun 28, 2013
Iyo-aye:
Tank u efemena,I will do as u av said.God bless u real gud.

You are most welcome, Iyo-aye and thanks for the blessings too.

Hope it all works out for you, sister. It is well. smiley
Re: At A Cross Road by baby124: 3:19pm On Jun 28, 2013
Iyo-aye:
Wat are u talking abt?do I say I was mrrd bfore?dis is my first and only marriage

What does this below mean?

there are no chidren between us yet bt I dnt want to commit an error the second time!....


Chaulay1: @jidegirl and baby_123, d OP didn't say dis is her second marriage. I guess her not wanting to commit an error d second time meant going back to him only to continue with an abusive marriage all over again. The OP may wish to clarify incase I am wrong.

What she wrote is open for interpretation i guess. OP has since clarified.
Re: At A Cross Road by baby124: 3:28pm On Jun 28, 2013
Nice one Bellong. I share the same line of reasoning. I have seen some women in action, and when they relate their story it is like mother theresa. grin grin grin cheesy. You wonder if you are mad, or if it was not you that just witnessed them in action. cheesy
Re: At A Cross Road by Iyoaye1(f): 10:19am On Jul 01, 2013
u Are right chaulay.you got it right dnt want to go bck to him d second tome cos he actually sent me packing before .
Chaulay1: @jidegirl and baby_123, d OP didn't say dis is her second marriage. I guess her not wanting to commit an error d second time meant going back to him only to continue with an abusive marriage all over again. The OP may wish to clarify incase I am wrong.
Re: At A Cross Road by Iyoaye1(f): 10:38am On Jul 01, 2013
Tank u baba oyo,e se gan.I dnt think his ready to change,cos am not his first wife.his been married to someone before,his excuse dem was dat d lady deceived him to get married to her,dat she is not ready to come to nigeria cos dlady lves abroad,Only God knws wat happened btween them,now am married to him and his makn life misrable for me.And also d major problem is his mum,u can imagine my mum inlaw telling me that my husband came to tell her dat his tired of the marriage,I askd him and he confirmed it,now his askn me to come bck home.]
~~~~~~~
She asked a question, not a statement!!
~~~~~~
In my opinion, if ur marriage is abusive you do have to watch out for yourself!
If ur husband has no qualms throwing you out of his house for whatever reasons & calling ur mom to tell her he doesn't want you anymore then I must say he is not matured or ready enough for marriage!!
Am still hoping u can solve things amicably between each other But make sure he has been thoroughly cleansed of all these violent & immature behaviour. May God guide you through!![/quote]
Re: At A Cross Road by Iyoaye1(f): 10:52am On Jul 01, 2013
Tank bellong,God bless u.He is not ready to come dwn to see my mum,he said he cnt lve his work even on weekends.well,I will do as u av said,one beaten twice shy.And his family dnt call to ask me anything.
bellong: In every issue, especially this one, there are two sides to a coin. You have told your story but only gave details of the guy's wrong doings but no hints about how and what led to the violence. However, will try to work on the little information you gave here.

There is a saying in geology which is very useful to life, it goes thus "The past is the key to the present." I want to believe you guys courted. If you did, was there any sign of violent behaviour towards you or he was always nice to you? If there was no sign, you will need to try and reminiscence to trace when this violence started and why if he wasn't the violent type. Is his financial situation dwindling or he is getting frustrated from lack of children yet? Is there anyway you have altered or battered his ego to descend so low to resort in using violence to take his pound of flesh? These are the questions you need to ask and check. I do not and will not justify his violent reaction under any circumstances, however, you also need to learn in dwelling with your husband with respect and courtesy. There are times silence is required when he is angry, exchanging words with him at that point will yield no positive or beneficial result.

Now that you are separated for a while, I want to believe he has realised you are important to his life, hence his calling for reconciliation. Firstly, since he called your mum he was no longer interested, he has to show his sincerity and repentance by talking to her about his renewed interest and that he will stop battering you. You two also need to sit down and discuss on the way forward. Let him show and give you assurance that he will no longer resort to violence in resolving problem with you. If possible, let him give you a written agreement on that (though this may not be feasible). Invite both parents (yours and his) to a family meeting in resolving this, he can give his undertaking of turning a new leaf in their presence and am sure, they will also advice him.

After all these are done, you may go back to him (you need to play your part too in letting peace reign in the home). If he reneges on his vow and keeps beating and battering you, my sister, I will advice you stay away from such man before we hear another Arowolo's story.

It is well with your home.
Re: At A Cross Road by sexymoma(f): 12:20pm On Jul 01, 2013
Yoruba will say 'Orisa Bo'le gbe mii, fimisile bo'se bami' Salt of life, am not asking you to leave your matrimonial home, at the same time am not asking you to stay and endure the suffering and all sort.
life is no more as difficult as the days of our mothers....
Now let look at it this way, dont you think it because of the beating and all sort that is delaying your baby from coming, Babies of nowadays are selective, they go to peaceful families.
if you decide to stay and endure the suffering, your hubby might unknowingly beat you to death o.
If i may ask how long did you both spend in courtship before going into marriage, maybe you didn't take your time to study the kind of person he is.
If you leave your matrimonial home people would say it shows that you are a coward
If you now decided to stay and endure the beating people would say you have been over-shadow with the man's love... Salt of life please follow your mind.
And i hope you dont nag back whenever he is nagging because that wont change anything o
maybe you should probably sit down and think of where you are going wrong too.
Re: At A Cross Road by vanitty: 9:12pm On Jul 01, 2013
Was there a time in your relationship when you were happy?
I am guessing you are now at your folks? Please stay there for now.

This period of separation

1. Get a job ( I am presuming you don't have any as off yet )
2. He needs to come to your mother's house and totally humble himself ( this is very important). - never you go back with him if he refuses to come over. When he comes over, all your people needs to be seated and he needs to hear the word of his life! Your family ( brothers, uncles) needs to warn him sternly that he should be beating the devil he is fighting not you.
Re: At A Cross Road by dayokanu(m): 4:02am On Jul 02, 2013
Reject anything that has to do with physical abuse

You might not be alive to see tomorrow

1 Like

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The Ghost R*pes:story Of Women Who Were Assaulted on their Beds... / Very Difficult To Conceive Again / Consider Your Unborn Kids As You Pick A Partner. Don't Be Selfishly In Love.

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