THE CHALLENGE

How do two people who have vowed to love each other get to the point where they refuse to talk for hours—or even days? ‘At least we stopped fighting,’ they tell themselves. Still, the issue has not been resolved, and they both feel uncomfortable.

WHY IT HAPPENS

Retaliation. Some spouses use silence as a form of revenge. For example, suppose a husband makes weekend plans without consulting his wife. When she finds out, she is angry and calls him inconsiderate. He responds by calling her oversensitive. The wife storms off and stews in silence. In effect, she is saying, “You hurt me, so I am going to hurt you back.”

Manipulation. Some use the silent treatment as a means to get what they want. For example, imagine that a husband and wife plan a trip and the wife would like to take her parents along. The husband objects. “You’re married to me, not to your parents,” he says. He then gives his wife the silent treatment, shunning her in the hope that she will break down and concede to his wishes.

Of course, a temporary time-out can give a couple the opportunity to let emotions cool when an argument is getting out of hand. That type of silence can be beneficial. The Bible says that there is “a time to keep quiet.” (Ecclesiastes 3:7) But when it is used as a means to retaliate or manipulate, the silent treatment not only prolongs conflict but also erodes the respect the couple have for each other. How can you prevent that from happening to you?

WHAT YOU CAN DO

The first step to ending the silent treatment is to recognize it for what it is—a tactic that, at best, works only short-term. True, not talking may quench your thirst for retaliation or compel your spouse to give in to your wishes. But is that really how you want to treat someone whom you have vowed to love? There are better ways to resolve conflicts.

Be discerning. The Bible says that love “does not become provoked.” (1 Corinthians 13:4, 5) So don’t overreact to such emotionally charged statements as “You never listen” or “You are always late.” Instead, discern the intent behind the words. For instance, “You never listen” might really mean “I feel as if you don’t take my viewpoint seriously.”—Bible principle: Proverbs 14:29.

Think of your spouse as your teammate rather than an opponent

Lower your voice. Arguments tend to escalate as they continue. On the other hand, you can change the direction of a heated discussion. How? The book Fighting for Your Marriage says: “Softening your tone and acknowledging your partner’s point of view are potent tools you can employ to diffuse tension and end escalation. Often that’s all it takes.”—Bible principle: Proverbs 26:20.

Think of “we” instead of “me.” The Bible says: “Let each one keep seeking, not his own advantage, but that of the other person.” (1 Corinthians 10:24) If you think of your spouse as your teammate rather than your opponent, you will be less likely to take offense, argue, and then refuse to talk to your spouse.—Bible principle: Ecclesiastes 7:9.

The silent treatment runs counter to the Bible’s admonition: “Let each one of you individually so love his wife as he does himself; on the other hand, the wife should have deep respect for her husband.” (Ephesians 5:33) Why not make an agreement with your spouse that the silent treatment is unacceptable in your marriage?


http://www.jw.org/en/publications/magazines/g201306/the-silent-treatment/

Ok o. Good to know cos i can go for days without even saying good morning.that is if i feel his action or inaction hurt me badly.

People who engage in silent treatment are childish and cheap. Its even stoupid when men engage in malice. Mtcheeeew

only immature couples engage in silent treatment.

kreami diva: Ok o. Good to know cos i can go for days without even saying good morning.that is if i feel his action or inaction hurt me badly.

you must be a terrible woman to be proud of what you just said.

You can't go wrong when as a victim you remain happy. It confuses the silent one. Avoid any vice during the period. Watch tv, laugh loudly, help with chores without been asked. Greet them in the morning and evening. Pray and thank God for your spouse. It works like magic but stick with your decision until you guys can talk reasonably.

israel007: People who engage in silent treatment are childish and cheap. Its even stoupid when men engage in malice. Mtcheeeew

Men who engage in malice and such silent treatments are just not matured enough for marriage. Aw c'mon! women are our helpers anyhow we look at it.

Hmmm this has never happened to me.

We have a lot of chalenges but I always remeber we are from different background and that we have to work together to make it work.

It is not just a persons job.

What you deserve or want is what you should give in return.

In marriage, you have to be humble and see your partner as you and that is when it will work and you guys will enjoy eachother. You have to consistently condition your mind to satisfying your partner and seeing him or her as the best and only person on heart with his or her weakness.

Good write up @bigass

When My Parents do that silent treatment fingy(it's funny actually watching them do it), its usually broken when either party (usually my father, my mother usually coaxes her way into the kiss) grabs the other and squeezes a kiss on the lips which seems to last for hours-just like the movies (Those peeps no wan know say them dey dia 50's fa)... B4 you know it they are cool again, talking and joking about as usual.
The funny fing is they'v always been that way, ever since I can recall.
Forget this writeup, there's nothing like a couple knowing themselves so well, when something goes wrong, either'd know the exact angle to address it from- there'll be something more or less like a telepathic link between themselves.

Yes, silent treatment may not look good but it is advisable to keep quiet for while especially when angry than to utter unseasoned words. I, particularly prefer not to talk for some hours when im angry than for me to utter some statements that will be quoted or made reference to in the future, "words are like raw egg, when you utter them in the presence of someone, you can deny uttering them again", so, its better for me to keep quiet for the main time and continue with my usual things, until im cooled down, when i will be able to calmly express my feelings, but, one thing im sure of is that, it(the silent treatment) wont go beyond a day.
May God help us all.

BigAsss,Bigass,BIgaSS,BigAss,ASSbig,biigyAssy.......

Well, I hope everyone on this thread is married ..or else my post may make no sense to you.

When you live together, there WILL be disagreements that if not well managed, may lead to something else. You have to understand your partner and know how to diffuse the situation.

I personally dont like going back n forth when tensions are high cos I have realised it doesnt work out well FOR US.

If as a result of your emotions or anger, you say things that are hurtful to me, I may naturally want to get back at you verbally ..then we start hurting each other with words. I dont do that.

Instead, I WILL KEEP QUIET ..or WALK AWAY IF NECESSARY.

We tend not to think right or listen when we are are angry.

If you keep shouting at me or saying hurtful things, you are simply just extending my silent period. I cant talk to you because you are too 'high' to listen to me or think right.

When we both calm down (not matter how long it takes..hours in most cases), then I will get my points across and listen as well - that is effective and efficient communication.

Call it silent treatment but that is what works for me. I'm not forcing it on you.

israel007: People who engage in silent treatment are childish and cheap. Its even stoupid when men engage in malice. Mtcheeeew

i used to be bothered by this when my hubby does but not anymore.i channel my mind and time to other things.agaracha must come back.in fact that's the best time to ask him for things cos for his mind he dosent want to talk to you at all so he gives you whatever you want so can leave him alone.

ichidodo: BigAsss,Bigass,BIgaSS,BigAss,ASSbig,biigyAssy.......

Paschal007:

kokoye: Well, I hope everyone on this thread is married ..or else my post may make no sense to you.

When you live together, there WILL be disagreements that if not well managed, may lead to something else. You have to understand your partner and know how to diffuse the situation.

I personally dont like going back n forth when tensions are high cos I have realised it doesnt work out well FOR US.

If as a result of your emotions or anger, you say things that are hurtful to me, I may naturally want to get back at you verbally ..then we start hurting each other with words. I dont go that.

Instead, I WILL KEEP QUIET ..or WALK AWAY IF NECESSARY.

We tend not to think right or listen when we are are angry.

If you keep shouting at me or saying hurtful things, you are simply just extending my silent period. I cant talk to you because you are too 'high' to listen to me or think right.

When we both calm down (not matter how long it takes..hours in most cases), then I will get my points across and listen as well - that is effective and efficient communication.

Call it silent treatment but that is what works for me. I'm not forcing it on you.

We used silent treatment too. It works for us.

yuzedo: OP, why is your name bigass?? Did u have a heavy badonkey? Are you single lady wit double ikebe? Wuz yo numba, i neeeeeeeed to prich to you about your name. is bad influnce to we inosent children on NL. (no ofence)

Dude, this thread is suppose to be about marital issues and not somebody's rear-end

@bigass - lol at username. With a such bold moniker your derriêre must be a melting pot Of J-Lo & Beyonce.
I dare you to give us proof. At least for YUZEDO's sake. kikikiki

devour129: i used to be bothered by this when my hubby does but not anymore.i channel my mind and time to other things.agaracha must come back.in fact that's the best time to ask him for things cos for his mind he dosent want to talk to you at all so he gives you whatever you want so can leave him alone.

Sometimes the ''agaracha'' could channel his mind to other ''things'' too, just like you.

Silent treatment is only good momentarily when there is an argument to avoid domestic violence, if communication is not restored after the tension,the silent treatment could be risky.

A simple truth.

kokoye: Well, I hope everyone on this thread is married ..or else my post may make no sense to you.

When you live together, there WILL be disagreements that if not well managed, may lead to something else. You have to understand your partner and know how to diffuse the situation.

I personally dont like going back n forth when tensions are high cos I have realised it doesnt work out well FOR US.

If as a result of your emotions or anger, you say things that are hurtful to me, I may naturally want to get back at you verbally ..then we start hurting each other with words. I dont go that.

Instead, I WILL KEEP QUIET ..or WALK AWAY IF NECESSARY.

We tend not to think right or listen when we are are angry.

If you keep shouting at me or saying hurtful things, you are simply just extending my silent period. I cant talk to you because you are too 'high' to listen to me or think right.

When we both calm down (not matter how long it takes..hours in most cases), then I will get my points across and listen as well - that is effective and efficient communication.

Call it silent treatment but that is what works for me. I'm not forcing it on you.

@kokoye i think what u put up there isn't 'silent treatment'. Even article states that given time for emotions to come down can be beneficial as it helps the couple to avoid saying things they would regret. Silent Treatment is basically ignoring ur mate as a form of revenge or manipulation for them to see how 'wrong' their actions or views are and how much you are hurt by them.
My 1.5 kobo

israel007: People who engage in silent treatment are childish and cheap. Its even stoupid when men engage in malice. Mtcheeeew

God bless u my dear.

Burger01:

Men who engage in malice and such silent treatments are just not matured enough for marriage. Aw c'mon! women are our helpers anyhow we look at it.

That's well said.

phiszo: only immature couples engage in silent treatment.

Gbam!

bigass no get nyansh. She just dey use name dey form wetin she nor get. Otondo!

I can relate to this topic. I recently separated from my hubby of three years because of his childish character. Each time we had a misunderstanding, he wouldnt speak with me for weeks and even months.

I moved out because we had a misunderstanding and he just shut me out completely for four months. He stopped eating at home,stop associating with me in anyway, even stopped touching me.

I tried severaly tried to talk things over with him but he wouldnt budge. Several times i cried and begged him to forgive whatever i might have done to deserve such treatment,but nothing.

I left for my parents place with hope that he would at least come to report to my parents and hopefully we would resolve it. But a year and half later, he hasnt even called to know where i am and what am doing. Even his people cant get in touch with him.

All this epistle is just to show what harm 'silent treatment' can cause in a marriage.

jephiano:

@kokoye i think what u put up there isn't 'silent treatment'. Even article states that given time for emotions to come down can be beneficial as it helps the couple to avoid saying things they would regret. Silent Treatment is basically ignoring ur mate as a form of revenge or manipulation for them to see how 'wrong' their actions or views are and how much you are hurt by them.
My 1.5 kobo

That's what you think ...and I agree with you.

But guess what...not everybody thinks like you..and that's the beauty of this world

kokoye: Well, I hope everyone on this thread is married ..or else my post may make no sense to you.

When you live together, there WILL be disagreements that if not well managed, may lead to something else. You have to understand your partner and know how to diffuse the situation.

I personally dont like going back n forth when tensions are high cos I have realised it doesnt work out well FOR US.

If as a result of your emotions or anger, you say things that are hurtful to me, I may naturally want to get back at you verbally ..then we start hurting each other with words. I dont do that.

Instead, I WILL KEEP QUIET ..or WALK AWAY IF NECESSARY.

We tend not to think right or listen when we are are angry.

If you keep shouting at me or saying hurtful things, you are simply just extending my silent period. I cant talk to you because you are too 'high' to listen to me or think right.

When we both calm down (not matter how long it takes..hours in most cases), then I will get my points across and listen as well - that is effective and efficient communication.

Call it silent treatment but that is what works for me. I'm not forcing it on you.

this is never a silence treatment the OP is talking about. what u just described here is just an action/inaction. But when your partner is cold unnecessary for some days and funny enof you cant even figure out what went wrong. i am a living example, my hubby went silent for about a week(you knw what that means).untill when third parties stepped-in he neva talked to me nor eat at home.

I guess the way we respond to issues is conditioned by many factors, and to some extent beyond us. It's not really a question of maturity. What matters is understanding your spouse. And neither of them should have useless pride, especially the wife. Besides, I am inclined to think a measure of the silent thing could be instinctive.

sylvia78: I can relate to this topic. I recently separated from my hubby of three years because of his childish character. Each time we had a misunderstanding, he wouldnt speak with me for weeks and even months.

I moved out because we had a misunderstanding and he just shut me out completely for four months. He stopped eating at home,stop associating with me in anyway, even stopped touching me.

I tried severaly tried to talk things over with him but he wouldnt budge. Several times i cried and begged him to forgive whatever i might have done to deserve such treatment,but nothing.

I left for my parents place with hope that he would at least come to report to my parents and hopefully we would resolve it. But a year and half later, he hasnt even called to know where i am and what am doing. Even his people cant get in touch with him.

All this epistle is just to show what harm 'silent treatment' can cause in a marriage.

Why did it start? When did it start? Maybe he discovered something abt you that he can never forget and you refuse to confess it to him. Infidelity issues come quickly to mind. Or where u a former runs babe? Etc If I caught my wufe cheating, I may do jst that.

He that is slow to anger is abundant in discernment -proverbs14:29