Dear N/Landers, I need your sincere opinion on this.
I got married to my husband over two years ago as a virgin, cos I had this policy of no sex b4 marriage, and after some months, there was no sign of pregnancy, asked him if in the past he got any woman pregnant becos he was sexually active, he answered in the affirmative, asked him for the baby, he said "they" had an abortion, so I tried all I could as a person TTC, used the OPK, PTK all the quality multivitamins, tried all I mean all that was recommended to do.
meanwhile, after we got married, I noticed his Testis was "funny looking", asked him, he said that I should leave it as that's the way it should be.
after some months of TTC, and about a year after our marriage, I consulted a gynecologist, who recommended we run a comprehensive check, coincidentally at my place of work, we run an annual compulsory comprehensive check up, and on examining me, my womb, tubes and other vital organs got a clean bill.
meanwhile, I had gone for different tests (follicumetry etc) to check for ovulation....all still came out well.
I had to encourage hubby to go for his tests as "the earlier the better".....
In July last year, 2012; I encouraged him to go for a Seminal Fluid Aanalysis/ Test. When the result was supposed to be out,I asked him for the result and he told me that the test came out inconclusive and had to be re-run as "air" got into the container.
I asked a lady close to me who is medically inclined about the possibility of the result coming out inconclusive as a result of this. she later made me understand that from her findings, that the possibility was slim as there would have been some findings/ result from the tests done.
Three months later,I went visiting his mother, and eventually, his siblings embarrassed me,during a quarrel threw my bags out, asked for my children etc maybe due to the fact that their brother's wife that was just married was already pregnant.
That made me serious about the whole Trying to Conceive thing.
I kept encouraging him to go for a test as if there are treatments he would need, the earlier he gets it, and the earlier we overcome the Trying to conceive challenge, the better. He was very reluctant, but when I insisted, he went for a test, and afterwards, I had to mount pressure on him to disclose the result.It took him like eternity to tell me about it. he eventually sent the result to me via SMS and, it is the WORST form of infertility anybody can suffer. its AZOOSPERMIA! that is, they could not find one sperm cell dead or alive in his ejaculate/semen.
I went online, did some research on the condition, and found out it was caused by conditions including undescended testes at birth. I got to know that we would need an urologist to examine him, I called on different Doctors I know who we could see and even went online to check for an urologist in Nigeria. I was advised to visit any Teaching hospital. we visited LUTH( meanwhile he was and has always been lackadaisical about the whole TTC issue. at different times, I asked him if he had anything I needed to know or if he was hiding something from me that the earlier he tells it to me, the better.)and at LUTH, I got to discover he hadn't just I testis, but also went for a surgery for undescended testes and that surgery was not done until he became eleven.
I became sad and asked him why he did not disclose this condition to me before we got married as the doctors have concluded that the only solution is adoption or Donor sperm (DS or get another man to "do the deed".
I have looked at these options and they are not agreeable by me becos to me, the whole marriage was based on deceit becos not just him, but his family knew about his condition and also did not disclose.
I told him I am not ready to continue considering the implications of these options:
if we are to use the DS, how many times do we have to use the DS to make babies that is, after the first success, we have to get another donor some other time for subsequent pregnancies to take place; then what would be the difference.....with a woman that gives birth for different men....
and the truth is that I can't sin against God by getting other men....in the name of getting pregnant, rather, I told him I would remarry and raise a decent family.
meanwhile on hearing my decision, his family members are saying that I should not quit.....but I told them that the little experience I have had of them, am sure they would have married a new wife for him if it case were to be the other way.
Please what is your view....I need sincere answers.
Please....if I were your sister,daughter, friend, what would you be your opinion?
Thank you
AYANS4.

It is pretty sad. So sad!

Why didn't he come out straight before you got married? Samething happened to a friend of mine. They were married for 3 years before she stumbled on the doctors report that he can't father a child due to an operation he had.

My God!

This is really sad!

I will come back with my suggestion.

May I ask what his attitude is so far after the news came out?

This is such a sad story!

A few weeks ago, we had a heated debate in this section about pre-martial sex between couples intending to get married. As you can imagine, there were a lot of black, white and grey standing people there. Some advocated it, others (like you) were set against it, and others were on the wall. I.e would do it, feel guilty, etc but would rather do it or close to it.

Your story is the exact type I was advocating people share such experiences - i.e, those who waited till after marriage before sex, only to discover there were problems (e.g: medical problems) with one of the spouses...

https://www.nairaland.com/1334835/what-other-means-use/7

Anyway, back to the topic on hand. I understand your stance as a staunch Christian and respect you for it. My suggestion therefore would be:

~ Adoption: Is this something you are open to and willing to consider? Is your husband okay with adoption? What are his views? And most importantly, are you happy never to have your own biological kid for the rest of your life? Can you live with it?

~ Divorce: I'm sorry to say it, but if having kids fathered by another man (i.e donor sperms) is totally a no-no for you (which I respect), then you just might have to exit the marriage. Or how else do you plan to have your very own kids??

This is crying over spilt milk but it was heartless of your hubby to get married to you, knowing fully well that he had a medical condition that prevented him from seeding you with kids. His family too acted in the 'normal' typical naija fashion...assuming the fault was the woman's and throwing her out on her ear without confirming who the real cause of the issue is.

Whatever decision you come to, discuss with your husband. Try to look past the betrayal (easier said then done, I know...) Be open and let him know what your feelings are. See if there is some sort of middle ground here for you (you're both going to have to work on that)

Best of luck!

he initially denied not knowing....but said he was sorry about the whole matter and wants us to continue our "family"
I told him that there was no how he wouldn't know that he had just I non-functional testicle as a mature man of over 35 years before marriage that his claim is equivalent to a lady saying she does not know women are supposed to have two breasts....or a woman that claims she doesn't know that women are supposed to menstruate at a certain age....so....it makes me cry almost every day....even as I type this.....am still crying....

ayans4: he initially denied not knowing....but said he was sorry about the whole matter and wants us to continue our "family"
I told him that there was no how he wouldn't know that he had just I non-functional testicle as a mature man of over 35 years before marriage that his claim is equivalent to a lady saying she does not know women are supposed to have two breasts....or a woman that claims she doesn't know that women are supposed to menstruate at a certain age....so....it makes me cry almost every day....even as I type this.....am still crying....

I am sorry to say, that man is insincere. This is so not fair.

I'm assuming you had a Christian wedding. And that this is a form of sickness for your husband. And that in the marital vows,you said 'I do' to...in sickness and in health,till death do us part. U can't divorce him on grounds of ill-health. If u weren't going to have pre-marital sex, u should have done fertility and other tests prior to taking those vows. Hard as it may sound,adoption is an option.so many kids out there seeking motherly love,even around you. The solution lies with you and ur man, not here,not with his ur family or friends. Talk it over.what if u divorce him and the next man,God forbid,has d same issues,or develops something like it afterwards? U move again?

Efemena_xy: This is such a sad story!

A few weeks ago, we had a heated debate in this section about pre-martial sex between couples intending to get married. As you can imagine, there were a lot of black, white and grey standing people there. Some advocated it, others (like you) were set against it, and others were on the wall. I.e would do it, feel guilty, etc but would rather do it or close to it.

Your story is the exact type I was advocating people share such experiences - i.e, those who waited till after marriage before sex, only to discover there were problems (e.g: medical problems) with one of the spouses...

https://www.nairaland.com/1334835/what-other-means-use/7

Efe,

How would premarital sex confirm if a man is fertile or not? I guess that will only confirm if he can perform in bed or not. The only way to confirm is to run some tests before marriage or try to get pregnant before marriage.

I wouldn't like us to mislead or judge her based on a decision that works for her.

@ Efemenaxy, for me, adoption is not it as I need my own children; if not, what's the essence of having a good job, getting pension etc....I need to see my children display my character, have my nose, eyes, colour etc...
thanks for your opinion....

ocheezie: I'm assuming you had a Christian wedding. And that this is a form of sickness for your husband. And that in the marital vows,you said 'I do' to...in sickness and in health,till death do us part. U can't divorce him on grounds of ill-health. If u weren't going to have pre-marital sex, u should have done fertility and other tests prior to taking those vows. Hard as it may sound,adoption is an option.so many kids out there seeking motherly love,even around you. The solution lies with you and ur man, not here,not with his ur family or friends. Talk it over.what if u divorce him and the next man,God forbid,has d same issues,or develops something like it afterwards? U move again?

The main hurt here is that he hid it from her. I am sure she isn't blaming him for his ill-health.

ayans4: @ Efemenaxy, for me, adoption is not it as I need my own children; if not, what's the essence of having a good job, getting pension etc....I need to see my children display my character, have my nose, eyes, colour etc...
thanks for your opinion....

OP,

Do you trust this man?

Is he a faithful husband?

Tgirl4real:

Efe,

How would premarital sex confirm if a man is fertile or not? I guess that will only confirm if he can perform in bed or not. The only way to confirm is to run some tests before marriage or try to get pregnant before marriage.

I wouldn't like us to mislead or judge her based on a decision that works for her.

See, Tgirl...Marriage is not for kids. It's for two consenting adults who know exactly what they want of each other.

If she had tested to see if she could take in before marriage, or said she won't get married to him unless he proves his virility to her as per getting her pregnant, then she wouldn't be in this situation now. Right now, she is broken, in tears and I'm sure hardly eating or sleeping ever since she found out.

Yes, yes, I know she was saving herself for her wedding day, was honest about it, but where did her honesty get her? She was dealt a viscous card and an unbelievable amount of dishonesty from the man she trusted so much!

ayans4: @ Efemenaxy, [b]for me, adoption is not it as I need my own childr[/b]en; if not, what's the essence of having a good job, getting pension etc....I need to see my children display my character, have my nose, eyes, colour etc...
thanks for your opinion....

Exactly!

And trust me, this is exactly what his family wanted of their son/brother/cousin/nephew when they threw you out! What you're going to end up having to do is make a choice:

Having your own biological kids vs your husband? (remember you stated adoption is a no-no, so is the use of donor sperm...)

Tgirl4real:

OP,

Do you trust this man?

Is he a faithful husband?

Of course he's gonna be faithful now that the cat's out of the bag!

What other choice has he got?? If anything, I think he'll pressure her to have her kids quietly on the outside with another man, so as to save face.

Trust me, no Nigerian man would want the whole world to know that he's infertile! That would be a huge blow to his manhood!

@ Ocheezie...this condition existed before our marriage and he did not tell me about it.
meanwhile, he knew some other people that wanted to get married to me.
apart from that, before marriage, we ran some tests, and to be sincere with you, for no reason I insisted he ran some tests, syphilis,Gonorrhea,fertility test etc since he was sexually active before marriage and told him that I was ready to submit myself for any test.
after the HIV, hepatitis tests,while still in the lab, he was like why was I bordered about the fertility test afterall it is God that brings Children and you know when you insist, its like asking a man if he is a really a man/ insulting .....I still wish I insisted he ran that fertility test.
would not know if I would call it naivety...cos I was in my twenties....

ayans4: @ Ocheezie...this condition existed before our marriage and he did not tell me about it.
meanwhile, he knew some other people that wanted to get married to me.
apart from that, before marriage, we ran some tests, and to be sincere with you, for no reason I insisted he ran some tests, syphilis,Gonorrhea,fertility test etc since he was sexually active before marriage and told him that I was ready to submit myself for any test.
after the HIV, hepatitis tests,while still in the lab, he was like why was I bordered about the fertility test afterall it is God that brings Children and you know when you insist, its like asking a man if he is a really a man/ insulting .....I still wish I insisted he ran that fertility test.
would not know if I would call it naivety...cos I was in my twenties....

Don't kill yourself over it dear. What if he ran the test and he faked the result?

As for me,I'm out! Infact I will run without looking back! In my dictionary of sins,this one is of the highest category! What am I doin with u? Can we ever make lv? Will I ever be happy? Any small hassle,it must surely come up no matter how saintly I am. How can I live with this for d rest of my life? Chei,some pple r wicked!
Assuming she is not smart enuf,d whole family will be layin curses and abuse on her.
Its a medical condition but why didn't d man lay d cards on d table for her. At times u don't blame women for going to an extreme b4 they tie d knot.
@op,all of them r wicked.maybe,they assume that u will one day go out and get preg for their son and believe u me they will all keep quiet about it, pretending they don't know what u did but they did.
On d other hand,I feel for the guy but he should hv opened up.my guy don suffer!maybe u 2 can work something up.
Goodluck

@ yellowpawpaw....Thanks alot.
well maybe they hoped so....

@OP: just like another poster asked! Minus this issue at hand, is your hubby a good man? Does he protect,support+encourage you? I was worried when you said his sibblings beat you up, what was his reaction? If he scores high then maybe you can try to forgive though what he has done is deceit and it is good reason to annul a marriage even in catholic church.
As a ttc like me, I'd like to advise you to make use of advance ART which can help your hubby ieIVF_ TESE. Even in Naija such procedure exists, good fertility clinics eg Nordica, Medical Art does it! Whish you the best in your decision

@ sub zidi...when it comes to faithfulness....you know what it is like.
you may not say 100%...but I could rank him 95%....but in other aspects, am sorry to say, I don't think so....as I noticed after we got married that he lies and covers it up, is not organized financially, has failed to protect me at different times when the situation arose.....(ran away without me in the market one day when there was a small fracas of some touts)...and some unprintable traits.....

If this man has been a good husband to you,then you guys can work something out,if not,beat it!

@op protect u?na waa so if u go find all those macho tout trouble u expect me to come fight noooo u are on ur own,usian bolt no fit c my back na for house we go meet.only one life to live

This is the problem with not test running .

Also in some cases the man might not know he has fertility issues or ereectilee issues.

The only way is to test and test the Efemena way. If you are testing your partner for 1-2yrs regularly and you never missed a period then shine your eyes. He might be a "horse in the book"

Theres no way resentment wont come from this woman, I am sure if it was the woman who had issues, the whole husbands family would be in her house packing her load away. So the humility now is wash wash

@ sub zidi, you can use the TESE if there is sperm produced by the testes.
after research and the consultations we had with urologists, I got to understand that there are different cells in a man's testes such as the as the Leydig cell which is in charge of testosterone production/ male characteristics, the germ cells are primarily responsible for the sperm production and they carry in them the genes.
so, I got to understand from these professionals that the germ cells got totally damaged due to the late surgery after he was born with undescended testes, hence his inability to produce any sperm AT ALL....talk of some for extraction.
thank you though.

Now this is serious and i sort of relate with it cos i have a friend who is going through the same situation as you are, the only exception is that the man's family are not on the lady's case. The fact that you married as a virgin indicates you have a spiritual background and you wouldnt want to sin against God.

I wouldnt advise adoption because your husbands family would most likely not accept the child as a part of their family, from the little you said about them, they sound like self-centred people. Your husband messed up big time by not telling you about his condition, the best way out lies in the hands of your husband. If he agrees to have a child from sperm donation without the knowledge of his family then you are totally safe, other than that, if you truely want to have a child of your own i suggest you start thinking about leaving him.

Some people might say faith, you husband doesnt sound like one who would join you in the faith thing, he doesnt even sound like he cares about you. OP life is short, dont live your life to please others, do what you feel would make you happy that at your old age you wouldnt regret not doing anything.

dayokanu: This is the problem with not test running .

Also in some cases the man might not know he has fertility issues or ereectilee issues.

The only way is to test and test the Efemena way. If you are testing your partner for 1-2yrs regularly and you never missed a period then shine your eyes. He might be a "horse in the book"

Theres no way resentment wont come from this woman, I am sure if it was the woman who had issues, the whole husbands family would be in her house packing her load away. So the humility now is wash wash

Things like this make me what to test my fiancee before marriage, i know am fertile but how well do i know her fertility Its well jare, at times one is just confused whether to commit a small sin so as to prevent yourself from commiting a bigger sin in the future. I wish i had a magic ball to see the future

Awwww..so sad!!!
Its either you divorce him OR stick to your marriage vows 'for beta for worse' and COMPLETELY trust in God while seeking medical assistance... But chai, dt man is wicked ooo ahahaa..(SMH)
Pls do what's BEST for you...
It is well.!

Ironically, DS maybe out of it too because as a result of the fracas that brought about the "revelation",my family parents, siblings etc are not happy with their behaviour since they threw my bags out, asked me for my children amongst other insults/ embarrassments I got from them....so after the fertility tests results, and after I told him that I cannot continue in the marriage, he got his family members far and near to talk to me about continuing.....
so, they are aware that he cannot "father" a child.....

teeo:

Things like this make me what to test my fiancee before marriage, i know am fertile but how well do i know her fertility Its well jare, at times one is just confused whether to commit a small sin so as to prevent yourself from commiting a bigger sin in the future. I wish i had a magic ball to see the future

It is well!

mai nadia: Awwww..so sad!!!
Its either you divorce him OR stick to your marriage vows 'for beta for worse' and COMPLETELY trust in God while seeking medical assistance... But chai, dt man is wicked ooo ahahaa..(SMH)
Pls do what's BEST for you...
It is well.!

I tell you life can be wicked, her issue just reminds me of a story i heard on the radio about a man who is AS and Lied to his wife that he was AA so as to marry her because she was AS and always said she wouldnt marry any man who was AS. Her first child was born and when the baby fell ill and she was told he was SS, she insulted the doctor telling him that it wasnt possible. Eventually her husband was called in and that was when he confessed that he was actually AS and he didnt tell her because he loved her and didnt want to lose her. Please this isnt love but mere wickedness.

The OP, has to put herself first in this case, the end of a marriage isnt the end of the world but living for another man is more like death to me.

ol boy eh.. this matter na strong thing

Efemena and teeo has laid out the course of action and you know what you may have to do

To me This issue is not the superiority of (non)testing camps but rather the sligh mistreatment she has suffered

How dare your hubby family members call you infertile? That smacks of insensitivity of the highest order

If your man was the type that will care for an adopted person, the decision to stay will have been an easier one

On the issue raised by yellowpawpaw, I believe this condition does not affect the love making abilities of the man just only the fertility?

OP are you employed.. what is your exit strategy?

May God help us all

ayans4: Ironically, DS maybe out of it too because as a result of the fracas that brought about the "revelation",my family parents, siblings etc are not happy with their behaviour since they threw my bags out, asked me for my children amongst other insults/ embarrassments I got from them....so after the fertility tests results, and after I told him that I cannot continue in the marriage, he got his family members far and near to talk to me about continuing.....
so, they are aware that he cannot "father" a child.....

All due respect, this is a wicked family

AYANS4, I sincerely feel 4 u. f u were my biological sister, my human nature will ask me 2 tell u 2 walk away but my spirit man says otherwise. U `ll go down in history as one of the few modern women dat got married as a virgin in a world dat is so so corrupted. The least u deserve is a honest n sincere man 4 a hubby n a truly happy home n family.
However, pls ask ursef again and again, what and why did u marry dis man? If its 4 just procreation, then u re missing it. Becos other than dis, u seem ok wt ur marriage.
your story is similar 2 dat of a lady who while dating d hubby confided in him dat she had 2 D & C in d past. Now 3 yrs into d marriage, she yet 2 conceive and d hubby goes 2 his in-laws 2 reveal d secret d wife told him. She was so devastated she almost died of depression. Now upon further medical examit was discovered dat d problem actually is wt d hubby similar 2 dis scenario.
I don`t know how strong ur faith is, if only u just believe n trust in GOD. With HIM all things are possible. A good number of suggestions have bn made particulary wt reference 2 divorce, which not an option here. I`ll pray n trust God along wt u believing he `ll make a smile on ur face someday soonest.
Stay blessed Mummy.

This kind of stories scare me. Jeez!!

ayans4: Ironically, DS maybe out of it too because as a result of the fracas that brought about the "revelation",my family parents, siblings etc are not happy with their behaviour since they threw my bags out, asked me for my children amongst other insults/ embarrassments I got from them....so after the fertility tests results, and after I told him that I cannot continue in the marriage, he got his family members far and near to talk to me about continuing.....
so, they are aware that he cannot "father" a child.....

I really do not think you have many options outside this.

I told him I would remarry and raise a decent family

Like someone above said,his family might never accept or treat those children as their if you try DS or another man.