debosky:

Bros it was 4 years ago - recession hit in 2008!D

The effect of the recession hit much later. So circa 2007-2008 when he was planning the relocation probably the economy wasnt that bad and all he was hearing were there are guys here making $1,000 per day.

But the realities of the modern day UK is that jobs are not even available for locals. As evidenced by the recent hardline stand of the govt against foreigners which wasnt so pre 2009

A man tired of getting money for haircut from his wife and having to endure stuffs like "didnt you just ask me for money last week" wants to pick his life up and be the man

obowunmi:

I'm forever yours,my love. Your wish is my command.

Sisi_Kill:

Alls I'm glad is at least a guy sees this, understands this, so those elenu shobiris who like to make everything about feminism can just shut it.

sisi dey vex!!

debosky:

If I was in his shoes, I'd have a clear exit plan, precisely for the reasons you've stated, and agreed upfront with madam. I know a number of people who have precisely done that, but guess what? It was always an option from the start.

No one said it was easy, and furthermore we're talking about 4 years ago - after the recession hit. If it was in the rosy days say in 2004 he could be excused, but a grown man able to build a house in Naija? No back up plans? even folk going to do Masters think through their moves better than this. Simply put, he's trying to railroad the woman into returning. That's the issue. In typical Naija man style the wife should just swallow it.

I'm not saying he shouldn't move back, but it must be a joint decision to avoid undue conflict in the marriage.

I'm thinking we may need to have this laminated and posted in big fonts with loud neon colors because it seems the main point just flies over some people's head.

Ujujoan: If I were the woman, I'll let him relocate . . alone!

And if I catch him cheating or slacking on his marital duties, then the marriage is over.

He can't have it both ways . . . he just cant!

If he is sitting idle at home for years, guaranteed he will be cheating anyways. Other than marriage vow, no other agreement is set in stone

She should just marry a wheelchair bound man and keep him at home. That way she can feed and take care of him all her life

He doesn't have to work or look for a job.

jidegirl12:

sisi dey vex!!

Rotflmao

chaircover: Debo you are talking as if you dont know women . . .especially the strong willed ones

The guy just wouldn't have woken up one day and decided to go for an interview without telling his wife, but she would have made it clear that she doesnt want to discuss it and since she is the one keeping the home financially and most probably paid for his ticket to naija in the first instance the guy has no choice but to keep quiet

Most men like an easy life and would steer away from conflict and this is what this man has done.

Re the recession, businesses are still closing down everyday. This morning Dagenham Motors has sacked 1200 people and is closing its plant. In our high street in the past 3 months superdrug and tie rack have closed down. Its getting harder and harder each day.

The truth is that if both of them kick in their heels, neither of them will be happy so they have to pick a option with the least damaging to them as a family. Her refusing him to go will def backfire and she will soon find that he is not the same man that she married when he starts lashing out at her and blaming her for his situation.

she is on a long thing anyway because by the time this mans family hear that its the wife that wants to turn their son and brother into gbewudani her fights will be multiplied. God forbid, I cant imagine my son waiting for razor blade and sporting waves money from his wife and a job opens up for him and the wife is saying dont go. I will bite that wife

As for agreements . . .agreements are changed everyday. How many couples agree a certain number of children but accidents happen. My oga and I said we will retire in Nigeria, but the other day I said I dont mind the idea of retiring on the Wight. Everyone changes & situations change all the time. Life is not constant and we deal with the balls that life throws at us.

God bless you CC its like you know the real deal.Some people are soooo rigid and uptight about certain stuff that fear go even catch you to broach some subjects. .Of course he needs her to be on board with the decision and not just up and go Nigeria.

There is unrealistic perception on NL that pre-marriage, you sit down , plan and plan, hash out every eventuality and any deviation from that after marriage is blue murder.That is so unrealistic cos marriage like any other relationship in life is dynamic.Planning and hashing out issues pre marriage is wonderful, but sometimes life just happens.

Before I had kids, I would snigger at women who left their jobs because of their family.My husband knew he was marrying a fiercely indepedent person who likes having her own money.But I left my full time job cos I knew it would impact my family life adversely. There was no way I would be doing a 4 hr commute daily and not be madam snappy.I deliberated the idea of leaving relative (relative cos is any job really ever secure) job security to be thrown into an uncertain job market and along the line decided to retrain and get some new skills.Till now, my husband knows it an odd phase for me but cheers me on by telling me to look forward on where we are going.When we were talking about the decision I could have stubbornly insisted and said whoa steady on guy who you wan make housewife lai lai I am.moving to Ipswich.I told you I must aways work to make my own money.But I have learnt to adapt and even now put in more effort to my business.

One cant just say we agreed, no going back.We look at our circumstances at this present time, talk through and reach some sort of compromise.

Still believe though that they have to talk properly, how is that going to happen when one party says there is no disccussion to be had, we had an agreement 5 years ago (actually been married 5 years ) so no going back.

damiso:

There is unrealistic perception on NL that pre-marriage, you sit down , plan and plan, hash out every eventuality and any deviation from that after marriage is blue murder.That is so unrealistic cos marriage like any other relationship in life is dynamic.Planning and hashing out issues pre marriage is wonderful, but sometimes life just happens.

LOL.
Unrealistic perception from people who may not even be married
In real life, it rarely plays out that way. People deal with these issues on a daily.

When I say there are practical marriages and on the hand the 'perfect' marriages, they argue

Superb points dami and CC
100+ likes

damiso:

God bless you CC its like you know the real deal.Some people are soooo rigid and uptight about certain stuff that fear go even catch you to broach some subjects. .Of course he needs her to be on board with the decision and not just up and go Nigeria.

There is unrealistic perception on NL that pre-marriage, you sit down , plan and plan, hash out every eventuality and any deviation from that after marriage is blue murder.That is so unrealistic cos marriage like any other relationship in life is dynamic.Planning and hashing out issues pre marriage is wonderful, but sometimes life just happens.

Before I had kids, I would snigger at women who left their jobs because of their family.My husband knew he was marrying a fiercely indepedent person who likes having her own money.But I left my full time job cos I knew it would impact my family life adversely. There was no way I would be doing a 4 hr commute daily and not be madam snappy.I deliberated the idea of leaving relative (relative cos is any job really ever secure) job security to be thrown into an uncertain job market and along the line decided to retrain and get some new skills.Till now, my husband knows it an odd phase for me but cheers me on by telling me to look forward on where we are going.When we were talking about the decision I could have stubbornly insisted and said whoa steady on guy who you wan make housewife lai lai I am.moving to Ipswich.I told you I must aways work to make my own money.But I have learnt to adapt and even now put in more effort to my business.

One cant just say we agreed, no going back.We look at our circumstances at this present time, talk through and reach some sort of compromise.

Still believe though that they have to talk properly, how is that going to happen when one party says there is no disccussion to be had, we had an agreement 5 years ago (actually been married 5 years ) so no going back.

I have read so many stories about bad spouses, but to me this is one of the worst. Dami, if your husband is good friends with her husband, please tell your husband to subtle tell her husband that he has a very bad wife (lol). Infact, she does not wish him any progress (lol) so he should run.

On a more serious note, I wonder why she is so scared of him going to Nigeria but ok to go to Holland. She just does not want the man to go to a place where he will seem to have the upper hand and she would now be the one dependent on him and that is the summary. I talked about her being controlling earlier but that is the truth. She does not want to be in a position where she will have to rely on the hubby because that is what will happen if they go to 9ja. The cheating thing is just an excuse. If they go back to 9ja, the guy gets a good job, his confidence is back, the guy becomes in control and probably becomes the one calling the shorts, and may be that is what she does not want to give up. He has the networks and she will have to rely on him to even get her a job. Cos Holland for one has some of the baddest babes in the whole world. They are everywhere on the street of Amsterdam so I dont think its any different from Lagos if infidelity is an issue.

damiso:

God bless you CC its like you know the real deal.Some people are soooo rigid and uptight about certain stuff that fear go even catch you to broach some subjects. .Of course he needs her to be on board with the decision and not just up and go Nigeria.

There is unrealistic perception on NL that pre-marriage, you sit down , plan and plan, hash out every eventuality and any deviation from that after marriage is blue murder.That is so unrealistic cos marriage like any other relationship in life is dynamic.Planning and hashing out issues pre marriage is wonderful, but sometimes life just happens.

Before I had kids, I would snigger at women who left their jobs because of their family.My husband knew he was marrying a fiercely indepedent person who likes having her own money.But I left my full time job cos I knew it would impact my family life adversely. There was no way I would be doing a 4 hr commute daily and not be madam snappy.I deliberated the idea of leaving relative (relative cos is any job really ever secure) job security to be thrown into an uncertain job market and along the line decided to retrain and get some new skills.Till now, my husband knows it an odd phase for me but cheers me on by telling me to look forward on where we are going.When we were talking about the decision I could have stubbornly insisted and said whoa steady on guy who you wan make housewife lai lai I am.moving to Ipswich.I told you I must aways work to make my own money.But I have learnt to adapt and even now put in more effort to my business.

One cant just say we agreed, no going back.We look at our circumstances at this present time, talk through and reach some sort of compromise.

Still believe though that they have to talk properly, how is that going to happen when one party says there is no disccussion to be had, we had an agreement 5 years ago (actually been married 5 years ) so no going back.

Omo gba si gbe! Life is dynamic, you learn to swim with the tide as it changes not against it.

Power and Control - The game of the sexes...

chaircover: Maybe its because we didnt really plan anything and agree anything before hand that its easier just to reach each bridge and cross it as we get there. All these pre agreements that cant be broken sound so businesslike and stait laced. . . one has to be flexible in marriage. I'ts not as if one is in prison.

Before they get married, you hear people agree things such as no relatives coming to stay; no communication with the opposite sex; no eating outside, no sexx on Mondays etc etc but no one knows whats coming round the next corner and that is why there is so much deception around because people have put themselves in bondage with unrealistic conditions and they have to lie (like the guy who has gone to interview without his wife knowing)just to hide the fact that they have gone against the written in stone pre marriage agreements.

My aunt and her husband had an agreement that she and her kids won't bear his muslim family name as surname when they are married. He agreed.
She chose the man's first name as her own surname and did the same for her first child. Her husband went to the school and told the authorities to revert the name to that same muslim family name. He's done the same for the second child too.
Now,my aunt is on her own. She's the only one bearing a different name from the rest of the family. She was lamenting to me the other day about the agreement and I was just laughing at her. She said, Yemi, "won ti fi ajulo han mi o ko de si nnkan ti mo le se" (He has shown me who has more authority and there's nothing I can do)

There is nothing more likely to start disagreement among people in marriages than an agreement. When the tide changes like in this case, someone has to compromise for peace to reign as long as its not a life or death situation. Unless
both sides win, no agreement can be permanent.

Reality is the real agreement people arrive to that makes live livable.

Erhm.... m..m( lips shaking)...@CC , on the contrary to one of your pre-agreement lists ....

I made it clear to him it's 2times a week for sexx sorry no can do more than that. Erm plus other pineapple things on other days .....

Sometimes you have to state your standards beforehand as per Ladycool ( won o se gbojuboro fun jare sometimes)

Sisi_Kill:

Laugh dey pain oh

2 times a week ? ? ? ? and he agreed??

Byvan remember ''one size does not fit all RULE ''??

Dizizawiedoeit

jidegirl12:


Laugh dey pain oh

Rotflmao! I read CC's post and I just pictured a soon to be wedded couple sitting on opposite sides of a conference table, each with their own witness, a mediator at the head and a stenographer on his left hand side.

MEDIATOR - So let's see what we have here, sexxx 4 days a week, with 3 of those in non-missionary style...and...

BRIDE - 2....2 in non-missionary style

GROOM - Fine but you have to wear the French Maid's outfit with a 9 inch stilettos

BRIDE - 6inches

GROOM - 9! 9! The heels emphasizes the shortness of the uniform (exasperated) you know this!

BRIDE - Okay! Okay! 9 inch.

MEDIATOR - Okay, so sexxxx 4 days a week, 2 non-missionary and 1 French maid with a 9 inch stiletto

GROOM - Oh! Oh! I'd also like her to meet with my Good Friend Dayokanu at least once a week for oral lessons on how to give a good...errr....Konji shinning.

MEDIATOR & BRIDE & WITNESSES & STENOGRAPHER - Huh?!!!!!

GROOM - No, No, I don't mean oral lessons, like that I mean he will tell her what to do...how to do it....she is not going to do it on him....he will just....never mind.

MEDIATOR - Moving on.....


Don't mind me and my wild imaginations.

Yes,i remember but accepting agreement is one thing,keeping it is another,does he keep the agreement?He must be very disciplined to keep to such an agreement

^^ I get it Byvan .... Like sisi just narrated up there, we talked the talk wella .... Everything is not pokey pokey ... there're gazillion ways to spice up your lovey dovey that'll make you gaga and he enjoys it like crazy.

Trust me it rocks our boat , no no to everyday pokey pokey. We just happen not to be a big fan, and the feeling is mutual.

Lol at everyday pokey pokey .

"the feeling is mutual",this is all that matters

No one said things are constant - the way you approach things matter - that's my point.

If y'all railroad your spouses into agreeing with you, so be it. I think there is value in getting agreement before making life changing decisions, or intending to live in two separate countries over an extended period of time.

I won't simply one day wake up in our rented flat in Yaba and tell my wife we are moving to Ikorodu or Port Harcourt without any consultation or planning, not to mention moving to another country. If that makes me unrealistic, then so be it. I don't like surprises or getting things thrown in my face, so that's the perspective I view this issue from.

Agreements can change - but they change with the agreement/understanding of both parties. If he railroads her and she is miserable/frustrated and the marriage breaks up is that to his advantage? it isn't beneficial the other way round either, which is why a joint decision has to be made.

debosky: No one said things are constant - the way you approach things matter - that's my point.

If y'all railroad your spouses into agreeing with you, so be it. I think there is value in getting agreement before making life changing decisions, or intending to live in two separate countries over an extended period of time.

I won't simply one day wake up in our rented flat in Yaba and tell my wife we are moving to Ikorodu or Port Harcourt without any consultation or planning, not to mention moving to another country. If that makes me unrealistic, then so be it. I don't like surprises or getting things thrown in my face, so that's the perspective I view this issue from.

Agreements can change - but they change with the agreement/understanding of both parties. If he railroads her and she is miserable/frustrated and the marriage breaks up is that to his advantage? it isn't beneficial the other way round either, which is why a joint decision has to be made.

Debo, he had discussed that option with her, she just never wanted to hear the Naija option.He had even discussed it with my husband(he mentioned in passing that he was trying Nigeria too).You know when you bring up a topic and someone says Nigeria, dont even go there . She had that attitude with me, remember how I said she was upset I kept suggesting moving to Naija.She even knew he was trying but must have just thought dem no born you well to take it further.

Damiso I understand what you're saying. However, getting the job while 'on holiday' will not help soften her position. I know how you women think - despite my opposition you went and got the job behind my back = you don't care about my feelings/can I trust you not to hide other things. Abi I lie?

Women are strange creatures and if you don't find ways to get them round to an idea, you will get frustrated to the point of death. I just watched Lincoln this weekend and even Abe himself had to find a way. The man that can do so has truly earned his title as head of the household.

I don't know what the solution is, but I do know that the current 'I'll do it regardless of what you think' method will not succeed - they need to sit down and review whatever they agreed (or thought they agreed)against the present circumstances and get a common understanding of where things are at now and use that as a starting point. She will have to compromise - and so will he - else the marriage is in for some serious challenges.

Bros,, wetin you talk now .. na wetin everybody don talk since morning

her recalcitrance is what is making everyone wonder

I discussed this with some colleagues and you dont wanna know the angle wey dem bring into the matter

Dem talk say she get man friend wey dey support
That na why she no wan leaf Jandon

No be me talk am ooo

People are sha taking this issue lightly. As if a woman's life ends the moment she gets married . .

What if living in Nigeria is a deal breaker for her, did u guys even consider that?

Trying to turn her into some kind of unrealistic and unsupportive wife is very unfair.

I knew someone in similar position. She lived and worked in Abuja and her hubby lived in the east. The agreement was that hubby will relocate to abj after marriage but things went wrong. His place of work won't give him a transfer, he couldn't get any job. So he was left with two options, quit his job and relocate with the hope of getting something else OR leave his wife alone in abj to raise their kids. Like most Nigerian men would do, he chose the latter.

Belive me, having an absentee hubby in a place like abj is hell on earth, especially with someone with a full time job. I remember her telling me that if she knew he husband not relocating was an option, she would NOT have married him.

Of course she's sucked it up and hoped for the best, but why should she?

I wonder what most of you would say if the tables were turned. i.e if the wife was the one backing out of the agreement.

damiso:

Debo, he had discussed that option with her, she just never wanted to hear the Naija option.He had even discussed it with my husband(he mentioned in passing that he was trying Nigeria too).You know when you bring up a topic and someone says Nigeria, dont even go there . She had that attitude with me, remember how I said she was upset I kept suggesting moving to Naija.She even knew he was trying but must have just thought dem no born you well to take it further.

Did he say Nigeria was an option BEFORE they got married. This is a very serious lifestyle change . . . It's not changing houses, it's changing environment/lifestyle.

The man took a big risk without a back up plan, he should live with that.