I have this cousin of mine who is going through a very serious crisis in her marriage right now. What happended? There is this pastor that is very close to our family. My cousin's husband got along well with the Pastor, showering him with gifts and financial assitance most times and even encouraged my cousin to do same. The Pastor would visit this couple almost on a daily basis as he lived in same city with them. Two months ago however, my cousin had a misunderstanding with her husband. Somehow, the Pastor got to know of the misunderstanding but refused to mediate even when prevailed upon by my cousin's husband .Instead, he was exchanging gift items with my cousin, an allegation he didn't deny claiming it was for "Mother's day celebration" in his church. Angered by this development and some allegedly similar incidents involving the Pastor and some other women in the past, my cousin's husband notified his family and mine, accusing my cousin of amorous relatonship with the said Pastor and asking for a dissolution of the marriage on the grounds of infidelity.

And I ask here, how close should "Men Of God" be to married couples for the health of their marriages?

the story is not clear

Because the pastor didnt get involved... he is dating d wife


Generally 3rd party involvement in marriages is to be frowned upon weda na pastor or family

How close is relative and also depends on how spiritually susceptible a person is to "pastor's" gimmicks.


From the story, the pastor has no fault, what if he felt the misunderstanding is not something he can meddle with? Not all pastors are skilled with conflict resolution. He understands himself well, it may end up becoming more tragic if involved. If the period he gave your cousin gift is around mother's day, then he has a genuine alibi

In this case, I think may be your cousin's husband is taking it too far. There isnt clear evidence of an improper relationship. I guess he is just angry that the pastor rebuffed him when invited, yet thought it wise to exchange gifts with his wife.

Well the truth about Pastors is that they are also humans too. A woman's Pastor should not replace her husband as the head of her house. I have heard of some woman who will disobey her husband because she is obeying the Pastor. I dont think this is wise.

Pastors are there for preaching and teaching the Word of God. You should not turn your Pastor into your best friend. If you have problems in your marriage, speak to your partner first before consulting any Pastor. And for married women, your spiritual head remains your husband and not your Pastor.

Nigerians are too dependent on pastors. Who are human beings just like themselves. They are not God. Why is it by force to involve the pastor in your marrige. What are the couple doing around an irresponsible pastor with a well known past around women anyway. Well, i hope they sort themselves out. The pastor has gotten what he wants from the couple, and really doesnt care to intervene or get involved in serious matters. They knew who the pastor truly was anyway, so why all this one now.

biolabee: the story is not clear

Because the pastor didnt get involved... he is dating d wife


Generally 3rd party involvement in marriages is to be frowned upon weda na pastor or family

His argument was that the Pastor had encouraged my cousin to subvert his authority by tacit approval of some of her actions in the past and the Pastor's persistent calling of my cousin in the dead of the night, a claim he backed up with physical evidence.

bellong: How close is relative and also depends on how spiritually susceptible a person is to "pastor's" gimmicks.


From the story, the pastor has no fault, what if he felt the misunderstanding is not something he can meddle with? Not all pastors are skilled with conflict resolution. He understands himself well, it may end up becoming more tragic if involved. If the period he gave your cousin gift is around mother's day, then he has a genuine alibi

My cousin is the very religious type, the type that would normally obey any Pastor without questioning. You need to jolt her back to reality most times.

$ugardaddy:


His argument was that the Pastor had encouraged my cousin to subvert his authority by tacit approval of some of her actions in the past and the Pastor's persistent calling of my cousin in the dead of the night, a claim he backed up with physical evidence.

oh oh... pastor calling married woman at night....!


my initial post is the same really... 3rd party is not advised... weda pastor or anyone else

^^^^ Calling a married lady in the middle of the nite for what?

Well, the guy allowed it in the first place. Its good to have good relationship with your pastor but every relationship has a boundary.

Nashville: In this case, I think may be your cousin's husband is taking it too far. There isnt clear evidence of an improper relationship. I guess he is just angry that the pastor rebuffed him when invited, yet thought it wise to exchange gifts with his wife.

Well the truth about Pastors is that they are also humans too. A woman's Pastor should not replace her husband as the head of her house. I have heard of some woman who will disobey her husband because she is obeying the Pastor. I dont think this is wise.

Pastors are there for preaching and teaching the Word of God. You should not turn your Pastor into your best friend. If you have problems in your marriage, speak to your partner first before consulting any Pastor. And for married women, your spiritual head remains your husband and not your Pastor.

That's my thought too. And that is why when her husband complained that on several occasions that my cousin stormed out of the house saying "you can't stop me from worshipping my God" when all he wanted was just to have a family discussion with her before she proceeds to wherever she was going, I knew my cousin seriously needed some counselling.

$ugardaddy:

My cousin is the very religious type, the type that would normally obey any Pastor without questioning. You need to jolt her back to reality most times.

That means your cousin doesn't really understand the faith she practices. She is only practicing religion. I personally hate religion. She needs to start reading her Bible to understand the fundamentals of the Christian faith. It does not hang on any pastor.


If a pastor calls my wife in the middle of the nite and he has gut to do it again, he will understand that he is only human and not a tin god. I will call him to order with stiff rebuke.

$ugardaddy:

That's my thought too. And that is why when her husband complained that on several occasions that my cousin stormed out of the house saying "you can't stop me from worshipping my God" when all he wanted was just to have a family discussion with her before she proceeds to wherever she was going, I knew my cousin seriously needed some counselling.

I wonder what they are talking about in the middle of the night and your cousin sure needs counselling and may be you can help her. Tell her that God expresses says her husband is her head and not her pastor. God also says the pastor must not come in bewtween herself and husband. And tell her to tell her pastor never to call anytime after 9pm again! Pastor no get wife? Is the pastor married?

baby_123: Nigerians are too dependent on pastors. Who are human beings just like themselves. They are not God. Why is it by force to involve the pastor in your marrige. What are the couple doing around an irresponsible pastor with a well known past around women anyway. Well, i hope they sort themselves out. The pastor has gotten what he wants from the couple, and really doesnt care to intervene or get involved in serious matters. They knew who the pastor truly was anyway, so why all this one now.

He actually said he allowed the "excesses" of the Pastor in the past since he had been friend to our family before he married my cousin and also because he saw him as a "harmless Pastor" but that he has strong reasons to think otherwise now.

Nashville:

I wonder what they are talking about in the middle of the night and your cousin sure needs counselling and may be you can help her. Tell her that God expresses says her husband is her head and not her pastor. God also says the pastor must not come in bewtween herself and husband. And tell her to tell her pastor never to call anytime after 9pm again! Pastor no get wife? Is the pastor married?

Thanks for the advice but the issue has gone beyond that now. My cousin's husband has called the Pastor and has warned him never to step into his house or have anything to do with his wife or family again, including not calling him or her aagain, and has even warned and ensured his wife does not worship at the Parish where the Pastor presides again (my cousin has complied with all these now even though she was obstinate at the beginning trying to prove her innocence) but her husband is just not controllable still. He is still very much insiting on having the marriage dissolved. The Pastor is not married.

still conjectures though.. but the measures may be a hammer to kill a fly...

but why does he want to dissolve the marriage

$ugardaddy:

Thanks for the advice but the issue has gone beyond that now. My cousin's husband has called the Pastor and has warned him never to step into his house or have anything to do with his wife or family again, including not calling him or her aagain, and has even warned and ensured his wife does not worship at the Parish where the Pastor presides again (my cousin has complied with all these now even though she was obstinate at the beginning trying to prove her innocence) but her husband is just not controllable still. He is still very much insiting on having the marriage dissolved. The Pastor is not married.

I take my earlier comment back the husband is taking it too far. May be he is doing the right thing if all of this has happened. I think he will calm down eventually, he just wants to send a very clear message that either she stops her Pastor worship/love or she moves to the pastor's house. Just tell your cousin to be gentle and remain a good wife, he will surely calm down when he sees her change.

$ugardaddy:

He actually said he allowed the "excesses" of the Pastor in the past since he had been friend to our family before he married my cousin and also because he saw him as a "harmless Pastor" but that he has strong reasons to think otherwise now.

Well then the guy is looking for an excuse to dump the woman. You dont invite a wolf to see all the chicks you have, and then when he sneaks back to eat them all. You raise hands up and sound alarm that a wolf has been coming around to monitor the chicks you have. He needs to calm down and say what he truly wants. if he doesnt want the marriage anymore then he should be more mature about going about it. Instead of looking for an excuse to soil her name, no matter if it is true or not. Which right now we know is an unfounded assumption. If that is what he wants and does not want to listen to reason, then she has to accept her fate and learn from this mistake. The pastor will not be drawn in because he knows his past indiscretion will be put in the lime light, and he knows his hands are not clean. But the sad thing is they may be clean in this case.

biolabee: still conjectures though.. but the measures may be a hammer to kill a fly...

but why does he want to dissolve the marriage

Well, I think he wants my cousin to realize he is in charge as he keeps saying she had taken his calm disposition for a ride for too long. From my one-on-one interaction with him, he doesn't seem bent on that. But then, you really cannot read the mind of another person.

Nashville:

I take my earlier comment back the husband is taking it too far. May be he is doing the right thing if all of this has happened. I think he will calm down eventually, he just wants to send a very clear message that either she stops her Pastor worship/love or she moves to the pastor's house. Just tell your cousin to be gentle and remain a good wife, he will surely calm down when he sees her change.

Yeah, I believe he will calm down too.

baby_123:

Well then the guy is looking for an excuse to dump the woman. You dont invite a wolf to see all the chicks you have, and then when he sneaks back to eat them all. You raise hands up and sound alarm that a wolf has been coming around to monitor the chicks you have. He needs to calm down and say what he truly wants. if he doesnt want the marriage anymore then he should be more mature about going about it. Instead of looking for an excuse to soil her name, no matter if it is true or not. Which right now we know is an unfounded assumption. If that is what he wants and does not want to listen to reason, then she has to accept her fate and learn from this mistake. The pastor will not be drawn in because he knows his past indiscretion will be put in the lime light, and he knows his hands are not clean. But the sad thing is they may be clean in this case.

I don't really want to give up on him yet. I want to work on my cousin to get her to remain calm and if after all that he still doesn't want to listen, then I will know he has some other ulterior motives. But the man is a very quiet man who ordinarily hardly gets upset, that is why I believe he might callm down with time 'cos I understand pple like that are two extremes between calmness and anger.

$ugardaddy:

Well, I think he wants my cousin to realize he is in charge as he keeps saying she had taken his calm disposition for a ride for too long. From my one-on-one interaction with him, he doesn't seem bent on that. But then, you really cannot read the mind of another person.

makes sense but the divorce card is dangerous and can backfire

chaircover: when people start understanding that a pastor is a human being and not a god, then they wont have so many issues & I am not just talking to the wife here.

If the man wasnt a pastor, would the husband have showered so many gifts on him? If he wasnt a pastor, would he have insisted that the man intervened in his misunderstanding with his wife.

pastors are human. . . .God is not!!

The woman hasn't behaved wisely for making her pastor her God and the man too hasn't behaved wisely for allowing things to escalate for so long and keeping quiet and not doing anything about it before now even though he has been fuming underneath

The pastor too should learn to respect himself and other peoples marriages. . . what is he calling a married woman late in the night for?

Anyway it sounds like the husband wants out of the marriage and his wife and pastor gave him a good excuse. if the mans motive is to get rid of his wife by all means possible, even if pastor and wife swore that nothing is happening, he still wont believe it, but you can all start by having a family meeting of wise elders and hopefully it can be resolved.

People please go and read your bibles and remember pastors are human beings like you and I. End of.

Good point.

biolabee:

makes sense but the divorce card is dangerous and can backfire

Exactly my fear and that is why we all have been working on my cousin to calm her down because if she calls the guy's bluff on the divorce card, that might be the end of the marriage as ego might set in.

$ugardaddy:


Exactly my fear and that is why we all have been working on my cousin to calm her down because if she calls the guy's bluff on the divorce card, that might be the end of the marriage as ego might set in.

hmm... it is well

Well,let's c if I can try.

Hmnn,,,,,,,.
Women r very emotional,d next person to them like God is pastors (not husbands). They assume subconsciously that pastors r God they can c.
They open up too much that they become vulnerable and their aim of talking to the so called God's rep is defeated. Their discussions r mainly about marital problems.

So op,is ur sis havin a marital prob?

Now instead of pastor helpin out, bc of his vested interest is taking adv of d vulnerability of d lady.

Now whether pastor or non pastor, there s a way u open up to somebody u become emotionally attached to d person. That was what happened to her. Her eyes will not clear until he has slept with her.

Op, have u guys talked about d implications of this to her?

Somebody has to make her c reality b4 its too late for her.

As for d pastor,there r thousands like him out there.I blame d unemployement level in d country and our lazy mentality else he will be out there struggling like othere to put food on his table


Now the husband,he has unsettled issue with d wife of which u guys r not aware of. Pastor this or that is camouflage.
Unless the two(husband)and wife opens up,even though d man finally calmed down,the same thing will continue but in another dimension.

Wao! C epistle.

Little do we know that even pastors have their own marital issues sef cos as most people said they are human.

I personally do not like every issue in my life being tabled before my pastor cos I can speak to God myself.He is with me all the time so why do I have to firstly wait or sometimes go through P.A and long appointment to speak to someone that is with me all the time .Yeah I believe in having prayer partners (your spouse is a good one) or even someone who you think is like minded with you in the spirit who might then be a pastor but I really dont get all this pastor worship prevalent (sorry to say) in mostly naija churches.As has been said alot of women even respect their pastors word over their husband's. SMH.

@Topic hubby was a lil over the top in his reaction which is what happens when you bottle up an issue that has been niggling for a while.If your cousin can just make him see reason with her and delineate boundaries they should be ok.

My church is quite a small parish and as such we have one person having to do multiple roles so I am in children's dept, finance, sunday school as well as welfare and community outreach.It means my pastor sometimes tends to call me alot about issues.He at a point used to call me like 10 half 10 at night esp on saturdays.I picked the call like twice but the second time me and my husband were in the middle of a serious conversation.I decided no more so anytime he called me after half 9 I would not pick. I would then send a text early on sun morn to ask what the issue was.Needless to say he got the message and now calls saturday Afternoon or even sef text regarding whatever he wanted to discuss about the next day's service.

Sorry for my long post

Na wah! Always late, how am I gonna read all these comments ...


Let me keep this space, by the time I wake up tomorrow to comment e fit don reach 3 pages.


At OP,

Why do you invite third party to your marriage, abi your cousin own.

These pastors are human and got blood flowing in their gains. Maybe he got eyes for your cousin.

Or...

Mstcheeew, make I to sleep abeg

Topics like this annoy me for real. The way you people carry pastors... Arrrgghhhhhh. Where's that 'at my wits end' emoticon when you need it?
Financial assistance, gifts, visits daily? that is a freaking nuisance right there.
E no get work?
I don't pity your cousin one bit!

Pastor want to chook another man wife. That pastor is a bad guy

Hope the husband has now seen that pastor is a human being like him who also gets greedy, gets a woody, etc

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