Right off the bat, I will have to announce that i’m not a fan of Nollywood. Right from the name to the many, many crappy movies, so many that they can fill the whole of Lagos and still as for extra sheets from Ogun State. And if you’ve read this particular post of mine on Nairaland, it probably underlines that fact. Much of what I hate is how predictable Nollywood movies are. However, I have to admit that Hollywood movies are sometimes as bad as Nollywood movies. Think i’m lying? Okay, disprove these:

1) Good guy vs Hundreds of bad guys in gun duel. Who wins?: Have yo watched any of those old Arnold Schwazenegger movies where he finds himself in a tight corner being fired at by literally a hundred baddies? Or Bruce Willis? Or Sylvester Stallone? Has anyone noticed how so many people are firing at one guy and he doesn’t sustain even a slight graze from any of the bullets (incidentally, he only gets injured by flying glass, and the only person whose shot manages to hit him is the main bad guy himself. Note that said shot is rarely ever lethal).

But this same dude, from his tiny hiding place behind a car/pillar/carton manages to eliminate every single one of them and still has enough energy after to come out and bask in the glory of his awesomeness? Think of it, seriously, how possible is that. Heck, even two peple should be enough. How incompetent can thirty people be that they can’t shot at and kill one tiny guy? No wonder naija guys say “actor no dey die for film!”

Why Nollywood cant pull it off: Just imagine Jim Iyke trying to save the day while being shot at by Gentle Jack and thirty other bad guy goons. That would be comedy!

2) Someone breaks all the rules…and still saves the day!: Rules are made for a reason. One, to keep things from going chaotic. Two, the bring things back to order if things do go chaotic. So it is crazy when in Hollywood movies, one guy just busts out of nowhere and breaks all the rules on the way to saving the day.

I mean, what? Seriously, if super heroes did exist in the real world, they would be sued out of business for breaking nearly every rules the government puts in place to protect citizens. For one, in the case of a hostage situation, first, the captors have to first be negotiated with, while security forces try to find a way to get the captives freed. However, Bruce Willis would have none of it and would instead go in one man SWAT in to bust the captives out.
What would happen in real life: The captors would shoot Bruce Willis dead on sight.

Why Nollywood can’t pull it off: Oh, they already tried it in “The President Must Not Die”. The result being that the president (Enebeli Elebuwa, RIP) turned sharp shooter, which was funny as hell.

http://zakuraweekly.com/five-ways-hollywood-movies-are-as-bad-as-nollywood-movies/

3)Winning A Girls Heart…..Through The Power Of Dance!: Okay, I know, the Indians are more guilty of this than Hollywood but then they do this in pretty much every dance movie there is. Trodden down poor boy meets classy school girl in high school/college and somehow, she manages to always get attracted to him the first time they lock eyes. However, she just can’t leave her big jerk of a boyfriend……until the good guy shows he can bust a move! He dances his way into her heart, she leaves her jerko boyfriend and they dance their way into the happily ever after that is the end credits.

In reality: The girl would swear never to date him for embarrassing her in public. I mean, ladies, how many of you want that guy that has been tripping for you to just suddenly come bust a move outside your father’s compound? As against, I don’t know, a movie at the Galleria, shopping at Shoprite or even just buying you recharge card?

Why Nollywood can’t pull it off: Just imagine Ramsey Nouah droppig it like its hot before Ini Edo! The amount of aboniki they would need to massage his body after every scene would set the aboniki guys up for life!

4)Bad guy always has the upper hand, then practically throws it away: Have you noticed how so many times, the bad guy juuuust happens to have the good guy in a tight corner….then does something stupid…..like FAILING TO SHOOT THE GODDAMN GOOD GUY AFTER POINTING A GUN AT HIM FOR, I DUNNO, FIVE HOURS? Why is it that it is right when they have the chance to put the good guy out of the misery of acting another part of the movie for good, that’s when the bad guy decides to tell us his entire life story while the good guy figures out how to free himself with one toothpick and a piece of thread. Are they shitting us in Hollywood?

Why Nollywood can’t make it work: Well, Emeka Ani can hardly have time to start talking about he wanted to kill Kanayo O. Kanayo all along while a pastor is praying over him while sprinkling holy water over his head and lightning is flashing and his coven is falling apart. But just imagine Emeka Enyiocha with a gun pointed at Nonso Diobi who is trying to cut through the rope binding him with a blunt fork. Comedy central material!

5)The haunted guys find out how to kill the monster only after there are two of them left: I love horror movies. I watched loads and loads of horror movies, and one thing I’ve learnt from them is that it is practically impossible to kill a monster/ghost/zombie/vampire/werewolf unless there are just say two or three out of like 10 or 20 people left. Oh, I also learnt that the black guys usually die first or second but that’s not such an important lesson. Whatever happened to two heads being better than one. And when you have ten heads that get wiped out one after the other till there are only two, shouldn’t it follow that the remaining two just commit suicide to save themselves having to get killed by said monster? But no, it is only after their compadri have died do they figure out that the monster’s weakness is water, or cocaine (as in that Elijah Wood movie, can’t remember the name) or hair relaxer (Evolution) or some such silly thing like that. If that where the case, if i meet a horrible looking thing, I will bust out all the hard drugs I have and hope it kills the thing instead of getting it high and it then goes apeshit on me.

Why Nollywood can’t pull it off: Why wait till you’re all dead when there is a pastor around the corner? After having consulted everybody and everything, pastor is the sure cure to all things that tie red wrappers, fly at night or shoot bright lights from their hands while you hear a sound like someone farted under water. In fact, I think Nollywood has been smarter on this one!

http://zakuraweekly.com/five-ways-hollywood-movies-are-as-bad-as-nollywood-movies/

Senb you're a clown

zakura, you will not use laff to kill me...where r u getting these crazy jokes from?....they r sooo real.....Great work, bro!

cheii long stuff to read

Hahahahahahahahha

So true.
@Op. How will i pronounce your name, abeg?

.

Pirates....stagneti's revenge

@OP

You no well @ all.
Real funny, but true piece you posted there.

Hihihihihahahahahahhuhuhuhu

Cant stop laughing....hahahahahahaha

oh God, I have missed this guy

Where is your movie?

senbonzakura_kageyoshi: Right off the bat, I will have to announce that i’m not a fan of Nollywood. Right from the name to the many, many crappy movies, so many that they can fill the whole of Lagos and still as for extra sheets from Ogun State. And if you’ve read this particular post of mine on Nairaland, it probably underlines that fact. Much of what I hate is how predictable Nollywood movies are. However, I have to admit that Hollywood movies are sometimes as bad as Nollywood movies. Think i’m lying? Okay, disprove these:

1) Good guy vs Hundreds of bad guys in gun duel. Who wins?: Have yo watched any of those old Arnold Schwazenegger movies where he finds himself in a tight corner being fired at by literally a hundred baddies? Or Bruce Willis? Or Sylvester Stallone? Has anyone noticed how so many people are firing at one guy and he doesn’t sustain even a slight graze from any of the bullets (incidentally, he only gets injured by flying glass, and the only person whose shot manages to hit him is the main bad guy himself. Note that said shot is rarely ever lethal).

But this same dude, from his tiny hiding place behind a car/pillar/carton manages to eliminate every single one of them and still has enough energy after to come out and bask in the glory of his awesomeness? Think of it, seriously, how possible is that. Heck, even two peple should be enough. How incompetent can thirty people be that they can’t shot at and kill one tiny guy? No wonder naija guys say “actor no dey die for film!”

Why Nollywood cant pull it off: Just imagine Jim Iyke trying to save the day while being shot at by Gentle Jack and thirty other bad guy goons. That would be comedy!

2) Someone breaks all the rules…and still saves the day!: Rules are made for a reason. One, to keep things from going chaotic. Two, the bring things back to order if things do go chaotic. So it is crazy when in Hollywood movies, one guy just busts out of nowhere and breaks all the rules on the way to saving the day.

I mean, what? Seriously, if super heroes did exist in the real world, they would be sued out of business for breaking nearly every rules the government puts in place to protect citizens. For one, in the case of a hostage situation, first, the captors have to first be negotiated with, while security forces try to find a way to get the captives freed. However, Bruce Willis would have none of it and would instead go in one man SWAT in to bust the captives out.
What would happen in real life: The captors would shoot Bruce Willis dead on sight.

Why Nollywood can’t pull it off: Oh, they already tried it in “The President Must Not Die”. The result being that the president (Enebeli Elebuwa, RIP) turned sharp shooter, which was funny as hell.

http://zakuraweekly.com/five-ways-hollywood-movies-are-as-bad-as-nollywood-movies/

Sipping my goldberg. *terminator voice* I'll be back.

Too funny.......from ur name u from pluto ryt I knw couple of guys from pluto dt owns dt name to,nice tho wil connect u wit dem guys to chatup

True mr man, these hollywood movies are always predicteble and its getting boring.

I prefer Nollywood to Hollywood, guaranteed entertainment no matter the genre

Lol, true that....... Still better than Nollywood tho

hollywood still remains d best...

What pains me most is when there is a physical fight n a bad guy standing behind the actor wil not try to hit or kick him until he turn n finish him. I always laugh

forget white man mentality,i prefer to watch the baddest hollywood,than the best nollywood....how do you explain a ghost looking right,and left before crossing a road,and a guy being shot inside a car,and the windshield didnt break,and the guy died.or few year later,and omotola still wears the same hairdo,or Genevive wakes up from bed with makeup....huck.

6) A big jumbo jet ran on runway for over 12 to 18 minutes. I guess that particular airfield runs through many states.

Reference: Fast and furious 6, the last showdown scenes.

Re-calculating the distance covered by that jet at that speed, it's like a plane running from International Airport, Lagos to Abeokuta on a straight runway without turning..... That scene sucks!

Though, I still stick with Hollywood ONLY.

Hollywood movies might be predictable also but what i enjoy watching is how what i predict plays out..
1.. Good guy vs hundreds of bad guys::: What i enjoy is how the good guy finishes them.. The trick and how he doest it intelligently...
Yes,we know the good guy always finishes them but the Genius is how he does it and thats what makes a great movie...
..
2.. Romance:: Yeah,we know they both will fall inlove but how does it play out? How the love grows,and the events that lead to both of them finally being together is what i enjoy..
..
.
All izz well!

I haff laff and sh'it in my yan'sh

While you are wrong ! Let me enlighten you , and only hope you learn from this . Movies world are fantasy world , totally different from the real world . My lecturer who took me on drama , said and I quote ' in art we do not find reality ,when we do , it is no longer art ' poster , what caught our fancy in movies are the fact that this things do not , and if they do happen arre very rare , and we do only hear about them , and then we say , oh , just like in the movies . Haven't u notice how people who find it hard to believe a certain story say , I am sure you saw that in a movie , that sure can't happen ! So your analysis my dear is crap ! Think of it , won't you find movies boring of it gives us exactly real life situations ? If that is how movies work , while ,.I rather wait till such happens to someone around me , and save the ticket money for a meal .

Gu jun pyo and Gueum jan di

Heard

Hollywood still rocks

Most clowns here did not read the article but are making statements based on the comments of others and the title of the thread

u funy