After getting drunk, a man was staggering home one night, coming back from the beer parlour.

As he staggered, he staggered and fell into a gutter.

He felt the coldness of the gutter's water and said, God, thank you o, for giving me this cool bed, i will sleep here until it is morning.

Some minutes later, another drunk man that was very drunk was staggering by, and stopped to urinate there.

As he was urinating, the drunk man in the gutter said, Ah, God, thank you o! You are too much! You gave me a cool bed, now, you are pouring cool water on it, i swear, i will sleep here until it is morning.

The drunk man that was urinating said, Look at this gutter that is talking, i will use piss to scatter your life today.

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I Enterd a bus from kogi to kwara.
After som mins, i decided to scare
d
passengers.
So i brought out my fone.. And
startd fakin a call.'' hello oga, i don dey
press dat
button since but d bomb no gree
blow.
Na d blue one i go press or d red one?
Ok d red one? I go do am now''
come and see reactions.
Igbo man: (picks his fone to make a
call) ''
hello Chuwkud, run now
to apapa and wait for my
container. Its like i will die today
but make sure u collect my money from
chiroki..
Yoruba woman: '' driver wêré,. So
u cant stop for
sombody to come down? Oloshi..
I was just laughin inside until d hausa man
sitin close to me
said (to me).
Hausa man: '' oga abeg dat time wey u dey
make call, wher dem
say make u press so dat d bomb go blow?
Coz i don dey press my
own sef since and d tin never blow.
I jumped out of the luxurious through window.!
Me wey dey play.

A Lady was in court for a crime she commited.

The Judge asked, What is the charge against you?

She said, I was caught shopping very early.

The Judge exclaimed, That doesn't sound like an offence to me, what do you mean by very early?

She replied, It was before the shop was open.

Hello, this is Daddy, is Mummy there?
The voice on the other end answered, No
Daddy, she is upstairs, in the bedroom, with
Uncle Roger.
The caller said, But my Daughter, you don't
have any Uncle called Roger.
The Little Girl said, I have, he is upstairs, in the
bedroom, with Mummy right now.
The Man said, Okay, uh, this is what i want
you to do. Put the phone down on the table,
run upstairs, knock on the bedroom door,
and tell Mummy that Daddy's car has just
arrived at the gate.
Okay Daddy, just a minute. The Little Girl
replied.
A while later, she came back to the phone,
and said, Daddy, I've done it.
What happened? He asked.
The Little Girl replied, Mummy got scared and
jumped out of the bed naked. She ran round
the room screaming, tripped over and
knocked her head on the staircase. Now, she
is no longer moving.
The Man asked, What about Uncle Roger?
The Little Girl replied, Uncle Roger jumped out
through the window into the swimming
pool, is like he didn't know that you had
removed the water last week.
The Man screamed, But we don't have a
swimming pool o. Is this 0-8-0-3-4-5-2-7
-4-9-9?
The Little Girl replied, No, this is
0-8-0-3-4-5-2-7 -4-8-9
The Man said, Wrong number! And cuts the
call.

My little brother was outside our daddy's house eating chocolate bars.

A man was standing near him.

He ate six, as he was about to eat the seventh bar, the man said, Do you know that chocolate will spoil your teeth and make you fat?

My little brother said, My grandfather lived 110 years.

Was he eating as much chocolates as you are now? The man asked.

My little brother replied, No, he was minding his business.

My new boss said to me, I'm giving you this job as a driver, starting salary is 10,000 Naira, is it okay?

I replied, Sir, you are wonderful, starting salary is okay, how much is driving salary?

I was on a taxi, and wanted to ask the driver a question, I touched him on his shoulder and he screamed, lost control of the car and almost hit a bus. The taxi went up on a footpath and stopped few centimetres away from a shop window.

For a second, everywhere was quiet in the taxi.

Then, the driver shouted at me, Guy, don't ever do that again, you scared me.

I apologised and said, Ah, ah, I didn't know that a slight touch will scare you like this na.

The driver said, Guy, sorry, it is not really your fault. You see, today is my first day, driving a taxi. For the past 30 years I had been driving a van, carrying dead bodies. I thought a dead body was the one that is touching me.

After the English Exam, I went home.

On reaching home, my dad asked, Ofego my son, how was the paper?

I replied, Daddy it was easy, but number 5 confuse me.

What was the question? He asked.

I replied, Number 5 wanted the past tense of think. I thought and thought and thought but ended up writing thunk.

During my wedding reception, i was called
upon to give my vote of thanks to the guests.
I came out and started, First of all, i want to
first of all thank God for creating my wife and
providing her for me. I want to also thank my
pastor and his wife for borrowing us their
wedding rings. Special recommended
appreciation to my landlord who borrowed
us his car. I am most grateful to my boss at
the office for approving the loan i borrowed
and used for this wedding. Big thank you to
my commitee of friends for the appeal fund
they raised on my behalf. God will not let
them down. Also, a big thank you to my
brother's wife, for borrowing my wife her
wedding gown. I am so grateful to the cake
designer for the cake. I promise to return it
tomorrow morning as agreed, without
cutting or eating out of it. Special thanks to
my friends who brought food from their
various houses to feed all of you here, for
those who were shared food, goodluck, for
those who got nothing, please, we will make
it up to you people during our child
dedication, hopefully, next year, by God's
grace. A very big thank you to my parents for
bringing my village cultural band to supply
music and entertain us here. God bless will
continue to bless them and give their mouth
more music to sing and entertain. I will not
forget my church marriage commitee, thank
you for convincing my wife to marry me. I
also appreciate the married men in my
church for rushing me into this marriage. The
women are not left out, thanks alot, for
teaching my wife how to dance. The youths,
thank you for sweeping and decorating this
venue with palmfronds, and also to my
teenage friends, for helping with the zobo
drinks. My fellow teanants, thank you for
contributing money to the camera man. I
wish you all safe journey back to your various
homes. I pray you don't experience what i
went through for this wedding, thank you,
and God bless you.

njuwo:
As a Man lost his cheque booklet, He decided
to go to the bank after 2 days to report. Here
is
the conversation between him
and the bank manager.
Bank manager : But I
warned you to be careful with
your cheque book because anyone can forge
your signature.
Man: I am not a fool, I have already signed all
the
cheques, so they won't have space to forge
my signature!

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…

A Prostitute went to a Doctor and told him to make another hole near her buttocks.

The Doctor was surprised and asked, Why?

She replied, Business is going well. I want to open another branch.

My wife and i are quarelling.

See how the quarrel started.

We had a fight yesterday night.

Going to bed in anger, I said, Good night old mother of 2 children.

She replied, Good night father of none.

Some journalists went to visit Bill Gates.

During the interview they asked him, Sir, how did you feel when you made your first 1 Billion Dollars?

The billionaire turned right but saw no one.

All his workers had gone on their
daily 1 hour break but turning left he saw one diligent worker moping the floor.

He called the worker, wrote something on a cheque and gave it to the man.

The man took the cheque and as he saw his name with 1 Billion Dollars, the mopping stick immediately fell from his hands, and he jumped up so high that he almost hit the ceiling, he then ran out of the house shouting like a mad man.

Then Bill Gates turned to the journalists and said, That was how i felt when i made my first 1
Billion Dollars.

God will send this kind of helper to you and you will be at the right place and time to receive this. Comment "Amen" to claim this.

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In the middle of the night, she was sleeping and suddenly woke up and shouted, Get up! Get up! Quick, my husband is back!

I got up and jumped out through the window, and injured myself, and then realised, and said to myself, Damn! I am the husband.

It was Lunch time at the office and as usual here we all gather in a queu for the food with plate and spoon brought from home in hand..all in a single file that stretched out towards the door of the lunch hall...I drifted out of d line a bit to looking behind me I could see many people..I spotted chairman of human resources dept in line wearin a 3 piece armani and holding a green deep bowl..he looked eager anxious....after a while the short man serving the food poked his head out from d front and screamed ' sorry d food don finish'..thos wey no reach us de murmur angry..one new recruit girl walked passed me nd some other guys busy chewing kpomo with oil soaked all over her lips mouth and fingers..in d far end person con de shout se the meat rotten... Some fat man shouts bak ' why you con talk am now na.wey I don already chop d thing..sighs angrily....to be cont.

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[/b]

An old man was sick and about to die.

He had been lying on the sick bed for days.

He suddenly perceived the aroma of his favourite food, jollof rice and managed to get down from the bed with his last bit of energy and staggered to the kitchen where his wife was busy preparing the jollof rice.

He picked up a spoon, and tried to reach for the food, but was hit across the back of his hand by his wife with the big iron spoon she was holding.

She said, Leave the jollof rice alone, it is for your burial.

njuwo:
My eyes are wet with tears...... Out of
laughter...haha hhahhaha read on....
If you are tired of those guys who keep on
inboxing U stupid questions,here are some
few tips on hw 2 answer them off:
Question:"hey beautiful wht r u busy with"
Answer: "looking for my engagement ring,
lost it"
Q:"Hey gal can we meet?"
A:"Nope i'm 8 months pregnant, I can't meet
anyone at this stage"
Q:"Can I knw more about u?" A:"Sure I LOVE
MONEY,please send me N5,000 MTN card"
Q:"do u hv a BF"?
A:"yes we hv 2 kids & he is a soldier"

Read more: http://njuwo.com

lol..i love diz

If u were asked to get married @ d age of d last 2digits of ur phone number, @ wat age will it b for u to get married? Don't spoil d show send it to ur friends n c funny reply

Igbo man is very apt to conceive business idea. hahahahahaah
when you of business, talk of Igbo man.

njuwo:
One night last week, my wife and I were in
bed.
Well, the passion started to heat up, and I
asked for the thing and she eventually said, I
don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.
I said, What? So she said the words that every
husband on earth fears to hear. You are just
not in touch with my emotional needs as a
woman enough for me to satisfy your
physical needs as a man.
She responded to my puzzled look by saying,
Can't you just love me for who I am and not
what I do for you in the bedroom?
Realising that nothing was going to happen
that night, I slept off.
The next day I opted to take the day off of
work to spend time with her.
We went out to a nice lunch and then went
shopping at a big supermarket.
I walked around with her while she tried on
several different very expensive outfits.
She couldn't decide which one to take, so I
told her we would just buy them all.
She wanted new shoes to compliment her
new clothes, so I said, Let's get a pair for
each outfit.
We went on to the jewellery department
where she picked out a pair of diamond
earrings.
She was so excited.
She must have thought I was one wave short
of a shipwreck.
I started to think she was testing me because
she asked for a tennis bracelet when she
doesn't even know how to play tennis.
I think I threw her for a loop when I said,
That's fine, honey.
She was so excited.
Smiling with anticipation, she finally said, I
think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier. I
could hardly contain myself when I blurted
out, No honey, I don't feel like it.
Her face just went completely blank as her
jaw dropped, What?
I then said, Honey! I just want you to hold
this stuff for a while. You are just not in touch
with my financial needs as a man enough for
me to satisfy your shopping needs as a
woman.
And just when she had this look like she was
going to kill me, I added, Why can't you just
love me for who I am and not for the things I
buy you?

1 - 1

On sunday, I was sitting in church, and it was time for offering so the offering bowl was being passed round.

Despite our Pastor's advice for good offering, I still hurriedly and
secretly pulled out 20 Naira from my pocket and dropped it. Just then, the person behind me
tapped me on my shoulder and handed me a 1,000 Naira note. I smiled, and then put the 1,000
Naira majestically in the basket and passed it on, then I turned and thanked the man for
being so generous. He said, Don't mention my brother, it fell from your pocket.

Have been doing Yahoo 4 the past 5years now,
ordinary 100Naira slippers I never collect, itz not
that I don't have laptop o, I have 2 laptops.
The 1st Laptop na JOMI(#10,000) while the 2nd 1
na TOKUN(#15,000), I fit charge the 2 laptops for
17days make dey no full...I don taya, I no even
know when MAGA go pay....Or should I
quit?...Please I need yours advice!!!

WEED Brings out d real You!...WEED brings out
d real You!! WEED Brings out d real You!!! Na
wetin I dey hear everyday b dat 4 ma Hood...
So 1 day, I just said I should try it 2 know what itz
like. Na so I go buy #200 own, I chop #100 own
komot I no feel anitin, I was now like "shey na
wetin dey make dem dey pariwo b dis" nt knowing
dat itz just a gradual procex, immediately I smoke
d remaining #100 own.
15minutes later My ear started malfunctioning, I
no knw wetin I dey do 4 Army Barrack, na so
1soldier just kum "Mr Man wat are lukin 4" said d
soldier, I just smiled I taught he sed "can u please
Slap me" kuz my ear get problem dat time,na so I
go gv am Heavy slap o...Guess where I was d next
day