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Nigeria Jokes Update With Ofego - Jokes Etc (61) - Nairaland

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Re: Nigeria Jokes Update With Ofego by njuwo(m): 5:50am On Sep 15, 2015
Wife: You tell a man something, it goes in one ear and comes out of
the other.

Ofego: You tell a woman something. It goes in both ears and comes out of the mouth.

Onome: Abel says I'm pretty. Kevwe says I'm ugly. What do you think, Ofego?

Ofego: A bit of both. I think you are pretty ugly.

Girlfriend: Are you sure you love me and no one else?

Ofego: Very sure! I checked the whole list again yesterday.

Teacher: Ofego, you talk a lot!

Ofego: It's a family tradition.

Teacher : What do you mean?

Ofego: Sir, my grandfather was a street hawker, my father is a teacher.

Teacher: What about your mother?

Ofego: She is a woman.

Teacher: Now, Ofego, tell me the truth, do you pray before eating?

Ofego: No sir, I don't have to, my mother is a good cook.

Patient: What are the chances of my recovering Doctor Ofego?

Doctor Ofego: One hundred percent. Medical records show that nine out of ten people die of the disease you have. Yours is the tenth case I have treated. The others all died.

Teacher: Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?

Ofego: Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day and at the same time.

Teacher: George Washington not only chopped down his father's
cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Now do you know why his father didn't punish him?

Ofego: Because George still had the axe in his hand.

5 Likes 2 Shares

Re: Nigeria Jokes Update With Ofego by njuwo(m): 4:21am On Sep 16, 2015
After a few years of marriage life, my uncle found out that he is unable to perform.

He went to his doctor, and his doctor tried a few things but nothing worked. Finally the doctor said to him, "This is all in your mind." and refered him to a psychiatrist.

After a few visits to the psychiatrist, the psychiatrist confessed, "I am at a loss as to how you could possibly be cured."

Finally the psychiatrist refered him to a native doctor.

The native doctor said, "I can cure this." He threw some powder on a flame, and there was a flash with billowing blue smoke. The native doctor said, "This is powerful healing, but you can only use it once a year! All you have to do is say '123' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!".

My uncle then asked the native doctor, "What happens when it's over?". The native doctor replied, "All you or your partner has to say is '1234' and it will go down. But be warned, it will not work again for a year!".

My uncle came home and that night he was ready to surprise his wife with the good news. So, he was lying in bed with her and said "123", and suddenly he got an erection.

His wife turned over and said, "What did you say '123' for?".

6 Likes

Re: Nigeria Jokes Update With Ofego by njuwo(m): 5:13am On Sep 17, 2015
An old man died. The burial was in progress and the pastor talked at length of the good traits of the deceased, ''What an honest man he was, and what a loving husband and kind father he was.

The widow leaned over and whispered to one of her children, "Go up there and take a look in the coffin and see if that is your father in there."

2 Likes

Re: Nigeria Jokes Update With Ofego by SeverusSnape(m): 2:41pm On Sep 17, 2015

1 Like

Re: Nigeria Jokes Update With Ofego by njuwo(m): 5:07am On Sep 18, 2015
During the wedding rehearsal, my bros approached the pastor with an unusual offer.

"Look, I will give you 25,000 Naira if you will change the wedding vows. When you get to me and the part where I am to promise to 'love, honour and obey' and 'forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever,' I would appreciate it if you would just leave that part out." He passed the pastor a 25,000 Naira cheque and walked away satisfied.

The day of the wedding, my bros and his wife to be have moved to
that part of the ceremony where the vows were being exchanged. When it came to the time for the groom's vows, the pastor looked my bros in the eye and said, "Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both live?".
My bros gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes."
He leaned toward the pastor and hissed, "I thought we had a deal."

The pastor put the 25,000 Naira cheque into his hand and whispered back, "She made me a much better offer."

2 Likes 1 Share

Re: Nigeria Jokes Update With Ofego by olaafirst: 9:26pm On Sep 18, 2015
Two women met at heaven's gate.
1st woman; how did u die?
2nd woman; i froze to death
2nd woman; how did u die?
1st woman; i suspected that my husband was sleeping wit anoda woman, i came home one day and saw him reading...i checked every where but didn't find anybody. I had an heart attack and died out of guilt.
2nd woman; U FOR CHECK INSIDE FREEZER NOW, ME AND U FOR NO DIE....olafirst

8 Likes

Re: Nigeria Jokes Update With Ofego by njuwo(m): 7:17am On Sep 19, 2015
Ofego Called A Computer Assistant On Phone To Complain And This Conversation Took Place.

Computer Assistant: May I help you?

Ofego: Yes, I am having trouble with WordPerfect.

Computer Assistant: What sort of trouble?

Ofego: I was just typing along and all of a sudden the words went away.

Computer Assistant: Went away?

Ofego: They disappeared.

Computer Assistant: Hmm, so what does your screen look like now?

Ofego: Nothing.

Computer Assistant: Can you see the C prompt on the screen?

Ofego: What is the C prompt?

Computer Assistant: Never mind. Can you move the cursor around the screen?

Ofego: There isn't any cursor. It won't accept anything I type.

Computer Assistant: Does your monitor have a power indicator?

Ofego: What is a monitor?

Computer Assistant: It is the thing with the screen on it that looks like a T.V. Does it have a little light that tells you when it is switched on?

Ofego: I don't know.

Computer Assistant: Well then, just look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?

Ofego: No, it's too dark in here.

Computer Assistant: Dark?

Ofego: Yes, my room's light is off, so the only light I have is what is coming from my window.

Computer Assistant: Well, you had better turn on your room's light then.

Ofego: I can't.

Computer Assistant: Why?

Caller: Because there is no NEPA.

Computer Assistant: No NEPA? Okay, do you still have the boxes, manuals and packing stuff that the computer came in?

Ofego: Yes, I kept them in my cupboard.

Computer Assistant: That is good. Go and get them and unplug your computer and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.

Ofego: Really? Is it that bad?

Computer Assistant: Yes, I'm afraid it is.

Ofego: Well, alright then what do I tell them?

Computer Assistant: Tell them, you are too stupid to own a computer.

2 Likes 2 Shares

Re: Nigeria Jokes Update With Ofego by njuwo(m): 5:15am On Sep 20, 2015
My great grandfather was bitten by a dog. After some weeks, he became violently ill. He got to a doctor and the doctor examined him and said, "You have been bitten by a rabid dog and you are
dying of hydrophobia. The end has come soon for you. There is nothing I can do for you now, infact, anybody you bite now will also die of the terrible disease." My old man asked for a biro and paper and spent several hours thinking and writing. The doctor finally broke the silence, "You are
certainly writting a long will.'' He replied, ''I am not writting my will. I am writting out a list of the people I'm going to bite, starting from you."

2 Likes 1 Share

Re: Nigeria Jokes Update With Ofego by njuwo(m): 6:25am On Sep 21, 2015
Ofego entered a boutique to buy a yellow shirt.

At the boutique, he discovered that there were only white shirts.

''I'm looking for a yellow shirt''. He complained to the attendant.

''There are only white shirts but you can take it and pretend it's yellow''. The attendant said.

Ofego agreed.

When he was about to pay, he said, ''You can take this 15 Naira and pretend it's 1,500 Naira''.

1 Like 1 Share

Re: Nigeria Jokes Update With Ofego by simkard: 12:33am On Sep 22, 2015
njuwo:
My dad was in one church last sunday. After the preaching, the pastor announced, "If you are worshipping with us for the first time in this church you are welcome, please stand up cause you are so special to us.'' My dad stood up. The pastor added, ''The whole church will like to know your name." My dad said, ''My name is Alexander Akpe but you can just call me Alex. The congregation clapped. The pastor yelled, ''Praise thy Lord!''. The congregation answered, ''Halleluyah!. The pastor said to my dad, ''Mr Alex, do you have any prayer request you want the church to pray for you?''. ''Yes sir!'', My dad replied, ''The church should help me pray that God should promote my carpenter business in this church more than how he promoted it in my former church.'' The congregation shouted, ''Aaaaammmmmeeeeeeennnnn!''. The pastor said, ''Church, I want you to use the whole of your strength to pray for Brother Alex's carpenter business. Pray that God should promote his business in this church.'' The pastor started speaking in tongues, ''Mara bosha ri bi!''. Thus, says the Lord, listen, your business shall sell in this church more than where you are coming from a million times.'' The congregation shouted, ''Aaammeeeeeennnn!!!''. The pastor said, ''Mr Alex, open your eyes, your prayer has been answered! You left your former church because the business was not selling very well, abi?''. ''Yes Pastor! Like I said before, I am a carpenter and I deal on coffin selling. Initially, my business was selling fine in my former church because they were patronising me. As the number of death kept increasing in the church, my business was growing because they were buying all the coffins from me. But after some time, there was a deliverance service in the church and members stopped dying. It really affected my business. That was why I had to leave the church to search for greener pasture here. The congregation screamed in surprise, ''Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh!!!!''. The pastor screamed, ''Mr Alex, it will not work for you here! You are not welcome here. I bind you, I rebuke you. Get out of our church!.''

1 Like

Re: Nigeria Jokes Update With Ofego by Ayzeeez: 7:49am On Sep 22, 2015

1 Like 1 Share

Re: Nigeria Jokes Update With Ofego by njuwo(m): 11:09am On Sep 22, 2015
Chemistry and his brother Physics, with deep sorrow, announce the death of their father, Mathematics, who died in a serious calculation on blackboard road, off chalk avenue.

Agriculture has promised to provide land for the burial while Woodwork and Fine Art will make and decorate the coffin respectively. Foods and Nutrition and his wife Commerce have pledged to provide food and transportation for the mourners.


C.R.S will pray for the soul of the departed. History and her friend Geography will narrate the life story of the late Mr Mathematics to the mourners, while English will be the master of ceremony and Biology will tell the mourners the disease that killed the late Mr Mathematics.

“I must sue his dead body for the money he borrowed from me.'' Financial Account screamed.

3 Likes

Re: Nigeria Jokes Update With Ofego by Vertch: 4:59pm On Sep 22, 2015
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Re: Nigeria Jokes Update With Ofego by njuwo(m): 4:58am On Sep 23, 2015
Ofego went to the bank he is banking with ATM and withdrew all his money through the ATM, then walked into the bank and deposited the same money he withdrew, telling the teller, ''Please my money is not safe outside there in the ATM. People are just withdrawing anyhow and they might end up withdrawing my money. Keep it inside the bank please.

1 Like 3 Shares

Re: Nigeria Jokes Update With Ofego by njuwo(m): 5:16am On Sep 24, 2015
Ofego: Darling!
Wife: Yes, honey!
Ofego: I want to go on a lion hunt.
Wife: Okay, be careful out there.
Two minutes later.
Wife: I thought you left.
Ofego: The scary dog is at the gate. He has refused to let me go.
Re: Nigeria Jokes Update With Ofego by Vertch: 10:32pm On Sep 24, 2015
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Re: Nigeria Jokes Update With Ofego by njuwo(m): 5:17am On Sep 25, 2015
I sent my neighbour who traveled a text message, "Sir, you are going to kill me. I was a little drunk last night and talking to your wife and I ended up banging her…(Message Delivered)

car in the garage when I pulled out. I think I hit your daughter’s bicycle too. I will go and fix it today, but please say sorry for me to your wife when you come back.(Message Not delivered)

And your daughter. (Message Delivered).

3 Likes 1 Share

Re: Nigeria Jokes Update With Ofego by njuwo(m): 2:17pm On Sep 25, 2015
Ileya Ram for sale!!! Hurry now and buy yours, Normal Ram: 45k. London use Ram: 35k. One eye Ram: 25k. Blind Ram: 15k. Crippled Ram: 10k. Hiv/Aids Ram: 5k. Ebola Ram: 500 Naira, last price. Contact: 08099999999. And make your order now.
Re: Nigeria Jokes Update With Ofego by njuwo(m): 4:53am On Sep 27, 2015
My uncle who is a construction supervisor, from the 16th floor of a building, was calling a worker on the ground floor. But because of the noise, the worker did not hear his call. To draw the attention of the worker, my uncle threw an 100 Naira note in front of the worker. The worker picked up the note, kept it in his pocket and continued to work. Again to draw the attention of the worker, my uncle threw a 1,000 Naira note and the worker this time quickly picked it and kept it in his pocket. My uncle then picked a small stone and threw it at the worker. The stone hit the worker. This time the worker looked up and my uncle was now able to communicate with him. Now think for a second. God wants to communicate with us, but we are too busy doing our worldly jobs. Then, He gives us small gifts and big gifts. We just keep them. We keep on enjoying the gifts without thanking Him. At most, we just say, We are lucky. But, when we are hit with a small stone which we call Problem(s), then we remember God. That is when we look up to pray and communicate with Him. God gives, gives and forgives and we get, get and forget. Let us change our attitude. Don't wait for stones to be thrown before you know what to do what is expected of you. Always, always and always remember God. Make it a point to always say, "God I thank You o!!!!".

8 Likes 1 Share

Re: Nigeria Jokes Update With Ofego by njuwo(m): 4:35am On Sep 29, 2015
A teacher was trying her students intelligence by asking them these questions. I saw a snake on my way home. "Assuming you are in my shoes what will you do?" The teacher asked.

Tobore: I will look for stick and kill it.

"That's smart of you" said the teacher. ''Armed robbers attacked me in my car and said, ''Your car key or your life'' "Assuming you are in my shoes, what will you do?" asked the teacher again.

Onome: I will give them the car key and run for my life. Once there is life there is hope.

"Wow! That's so wise of you" said the teacher. I returned from work, opened my door and saw 100 million Naira on my bed. "Assuming you were in my shoes what will you do" asked the teacher.

Ofego: I will bite your toes until you faint. I will then come out from your shoes and collect the money.

Teacher: "Fool! How possible is it for you to be inside my shoes?".

Ofego: "How possible is it for you to open your door and see 100 million Naira on your bed?".

1 Like

Re: Nigeria Jokes Update With Ofego by Winningtips: 6:29am On Sep 30, 2015
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Re: Nigeria Jokes Update With Ofego by njuwo(m): 7:19am On Sep 30, 2015
A Boko haram member was sent to bomb Ozoro community. The guy dropped at Iyeriri junction, walked down Iyeriri road, he got confused and returned back to the junction. He then entered a Keke Napep that passed Enuru street into Uruto Quarters and noticed as the road was patched with ‘cement’, he got confused again and dropped at N.D.C road. He entered another Keke Napep that took him to Etevie Quarters where he dropped at Alaka Junction that leads to Remu Hotel, he walked down the road and got confused again. He once again took another Keke Napep to Erovie Quarters. Along the road, he became as confused as never before. He picked up his phone and called Abubakar Shekau who was shocked that the suicide bomber was still alive and demanded to know why he has not bombed. The Boko haram member said, “Oga from the way I am seeing this town, it's like we have bombed it before oooo!”.

2 Likes

Re: Nigeria Jokes Update With Ofego by lollylee: 4:33pm On Sep 30, 2015
njuwo:
Akpos: Hi friend, i need your Help!

Ochuko: How can i help u?

Akpos: Please, i want to test if the BRAKE of my Car is still working .

Ochuko: How can i be of Help here?

Akpos: Please, just stay at the Front of the car while i drive towards you.

Ochuko: Ok.

After Some Minutes, OCHUKO was rushed to the hospital with Broken Legs while AKPOS
Is Now in the Police Station.

Please who is the FOOL here........Akpos Or Ochuko
ochuko the mad guy we stay for front of car (except nigeria mentality)
Re: Nigeria Jokes Update With Ofego by njuwo(m): 4:46am On Oct 01, 2015
Ofego: Sir, can I ask you a question?

Teacher: Yes!

Ofego: How do you put an elephant inside a fridge?

Teacher: I don't know.

Ofego: It's easy, you just open the fridge and put it in. I have another question!

Teacher: Okay, ask!.

Ofego: How to put a donkey inside the fridge?

Teacher: It's easy, you just open the fridge and put it in.

Ofego: No sir, you just open the fridge take out the elephant and put it in.

Teacher: Oh, okay!.

Ofego: Let me ask another one. If all the animals went to the lion's birthday party, and one animal went missing, which one would it be?

Teacher: The lion of course! Because it would eat all the animals.

Ofego: No sir, it's the donkey because it's still inside the fridge.

Teacher: Are you kidding me?

Ofego: No sir, one last question sir.

Teacher: Okay!

Ofego: If there is a river full of crocodiles and you wanted to cross, how would you cross?

Teacher: There's no way, I would need a boat to cross.

Ofego: No sir, you just swim and cross it because all the animals went to the lion's birthday party, HAPPY NEW MONTH AND HAPPY INDEPENDENCE!.

4 Likes 2 Shares

Re: Nigeria Jokes Update With Ofego by njuwo(m): 5:29am On Oct 03, 2015
When men of the Nigerian Police arrests you and check your phone and at that moment, a text message comes in saying "Abeg, if you dey come, buy 1 AK-47 and 4 bullets make we take dey well before we go out tonight". How do you explain to the police that your friend meant a Vodka (AK-47 Vodka) and 4 Energy Drinks (Bullet Energy Drink)? To make matter worst, your friend's name is Robert and you saved it as "ROB-1" on your phone.
Re: Nigeria Jokes Update With Ofego by njuwo(m): 4:42am On Oct 04, 2015
The late king of my community
had ten wild dogs. He used them
to torture and eat any of his servants who made mistake. One of the servants then, gave an opinion which was wrong, and the king didn’t like it at all. So he ordered that the servant be thrown to the dogs.
The servant said, “I served you ten
years, and you do this to me?
Please give me ten days before
throwing me to those dogs!”
The king agreed.
In those ten days the servant went to the guard that looks after the dogs and told him he would like to serve the dogs for the next ten days.
The guard was baffled but agreed, and the servant started feeding the dogs, cleaning for them, bathing them, and providing all sorts of comfort for them.
When the ten days were over,
the king ordered that the servant
be thrown to the dogs for his punishment.
When he was thrown in, we
were all amazed to see the
ravenous dogs only licking the
feet of the servant! The king, baffled at what he was seeing, said, ”What has happened to my dogs?” The servant replied, "I served the dogs for only ten days, and they didn’t forget my service. Yet I served you for a whole ten years and you forgot all, at my first mistake!". The king realised his mistake and ordered the servant to be set free. This post is a message to all those who forget the good things a person did for them as soon as the person makes a mistake towards them. Don’t put out the history that is filled with good because of a mistake you don’t like.

2 Likes

Re: Nigeria Jokes Update With Ofego by njuwo(m): 4:48am On Oct 04, 2015
A Pastor was invited to a church program in Maiduguri. When he got there, though, he wanted to preach about Boko Haram but he put it indirectly by saying, ''The title of my topic today is "YOU WILL NEVER GO THE SAME WAY YOU CAME". He started preaching and at the same time monitoring with his eyes if there was any black paper bag around. Minutes later, as he was still preaching, he heard "KPUUUUMMMMMMMMM" from outside. Within the blinking of an eye, everybody vanished including the pastor, he jumped out through the window. Some minutes later, after the whole members had gathered again, the pastor was nowhere to be found. They quickly called him on phone and asked, ''Hello pastor, where are you sir?". I'm in Sapele.'' He replied. The member, surprised, screamed, ''Ahhhhhhh pastor, please come back, it was not a bomb, but a car tyre that burst outside. ''I know, that is why I'm still in Sapele. If it was a bomb, I would have been in Nnewi by now.'' The pastor said. The church member said, ''But pastor, you left through the window, and anyone who pass through the window is a thief.'' The pastor asked, "My sister, what was my topic earlier today?". The member replied, ''YOU WILL NEVER GO THE SAME WAY YOU CAME.'' The pastor said, ''So I came through the door, and I left through the window.''

2 Likes

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