1. She is not picking your calls right? Don't worry, send her a text saying "Honey have you seen the money?"... She will call back.

2. He is not picking your calls right? Don't worry, put his picture on your profile and write "I'll miss you, R.I.P boo"... He will call back as fast as he can, try it and see.

TEXT CHAT::
Boy: I'm coming to see you honey, I
dont care about the high gas prices
or nothing I'm coming no
matter what.
Girl: Awwww Okay I'm fine love, get
ready baby
Boy: I love you, I cant wait to see
you...I'm
getting ready to leave now
Girl: Okay but hunny I'm on my
periods, just
letting you know incase....
Boy: My car just blew up, I cant come
to see
you ...
Girl: Get your friend to take you, like
he always
does....
Boy: He got shot by armed robbers so
i cant come, I'm sorry..
Girl: Oh never mind, I'm not on my
periods. My
panties are just looking too red...
Boy: My friend has just been
discharged from hospital and he has
said he's okay, he's fine and he will
take
me now. I'm coming sweetheart
Girl: Shit! I'm really on my
periods...just did not notice the
blood.....
Boy: damn!!!!!!!, he has been shot
again, i wont come!!!!

Two friends smoked weed... One went behind a tree, removed all his clothes and came back to his friend naked! He stood in front of his friend and asked, "How do I look in my new suit?" The friend looked at him, smiled, took ­ another puff and said, "You look so amazing in the suit but you put your tie below the waist instead of putting it on the neck!"

Akpos who had been lying
down in his sick bed at the hospital knew
that he may not survive, so he called his
wife on phone:
Akpos: Hello honey.
Wife: yes darling.
Akpos: i have something to
tell you before i die.
Wife: What's that?.
Akpos: When i die, i want you to marry
Ofego.
Wife: Which of the Ofego?.
Akpos: Ofego of Nigeria Jokes Update With
Ofego.
Wife: But Ofego of Nigeria Jokes Update
With Ofego is your enemy. Why do you want
me to marry him?.
Akpos: I want him to suffer what i suffered
from you.

A teacher trying to teach good manners asked her students this question: John if you were on a date having dinner with a
nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?

JOHN: "Just a minute, I have to go and pee."

TEACHER: "That would be rude and
impolite.How about you musa?"

MUSA: "I'm sorry, I really need to go to the toilet."

TEACHER: "That's better but still not nice to say the word toilet. Oh Akpos, how about you?"

AKPOS: "Darling, may I be excused for a moment? I've got to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to
introduce to you after dinner."

A lady and Akpos were having
drinks at the bar.
Later that night the woman
whispered
to Akpos,
"LET'S GO TO MY PLACE". So they left. At the
woman's
place they started kissing
and
undressing each other, then
the lady
whispered in the sexiest voice,
"TIE ME ON THE BED AND DO WHAT
U DO BEST"
Akpos tied her on the bed
and...and...
ran away with her TV, Laptop, Blackberry, ipad and
iphone.

Oboy, na mtn d cause am oh[color=#000099][/color]

Romantic Evening!!!
Two Women chatting in office.
Woman 1: I had a fine evening, how was
yours?
Woman 2: It was a disaster.. My husband
came home, ate his dinner in 3 minutes
and fell a sleep. How was yours ?
Woman 1: Oh it was amazing! My husband
came home and took me out for a
romantic dinner. After dinner we walked
for an hour.. When we came home he lit
the candles around the house. It was like a
fairy tale!
At the same time, their husbands are
talking at work.
Husband 1: How was your evening ?
Husband 2: Great... I came home, dinner
was on the table, I ate and fell asleep. What
about you ?
Husband 1: It was horrible. I came home,
there's no dinner, they cut the electricity
because I forgot to pay the bill; so I took
her out for dinner which was so expensive
that i didn't had money left for a cab. We
walked home which took an hour and
when we got home I remembered there
was no electricity so I had to light candles
all over the house!!
Moral: Presentation does matter... No
matter what the reality is.

njuwo: Bill Gates organized an enormous
session to recruit a new CEO for
Microsoft Europe. Five thousand candidates
assembled in
a large room. One candidate is
Ayodele a Naija guy. Bill Gates thanked all the
candidates for
coming and asking those who do
not know Java program to leave.
Two thousand candidates leave the
room. Ayodele says to himself, "I do
not know JaVa but I have nothing to lose if I
stay. I'll give it a try. Bill Gates asked the
candidates who
never had experience of managing
more than 100 people to leave. Two
thousand leave the room. Ayodele says
to himself "I never managed anybody
by myself but I have nothing to lose if I stay.
What can happen to me?" So
he stays. Then Bill Gates asked candidates
who
do not have management diplomas to
leave. Five hundred people leave the
room. Ayodele says to himself, "I left
school at 15 but what have I got to
lose?" So he stays in the room. Lastly, Bill gates
asked the candidates
who do not speak Serb-Croatian to
leave. Four hundred ninety-eight
candidates leave the room. Ayodele
says to himself, "I do not speak one
word of Serb - Croatian but what do I have to
lose?" So he stays and finds
himself with one other candidate.
Everyone else has gone. Bill Gates joined them
and said,
"Apparently you are the only two
candidates who speak Serb - Croatian,
so I'd now like to hear you have a
conversation together in that
language." Calmly, Ayodele turns to the other
candidate and says, "Wahala wa o!"
The other candidate answers "O gaju o

this one got me ROTFWL

EVERYTHING IN LIFE HAS A
TIME!!!!!!!!!
Your friend graduated at 22, and
at 25. You are still hustling to get the
admission for the 1st degree!
Calmdown!!!! Your Friend got a good job
immediately after
University, you are still hustling to get one
even
after MSc. #Calm down sweetheart!!! Your
friends are getting married, and
all the guys/ chics coming your
way seem to want just fling, #Relax Dear!
When your friends are getting things you
think
you deserve, do not despair, #remain
focused. #LISTEN : Life isn't a race with
sumone else, the 1st to DEPART is not
always
the 1st to ARRIVE.
Life is about your own SAFETY,
SUCCESS and HAPPINESS.
Be Patient, Smart, Focused and God fearing.
#
God is Sovereign and his timing is always
PERFECT and he makes it so Good.

A very ugly guy died and went to hell. He knocked on hell's
gate. Devil asked; who is dat? He replied; it's me.
Devil opened d door and was shocked to see d boy's ugliness and shouted; BLOOD OF
JESUS!

FUNNY THINGS ABOUT NIGERIANS . We love
arriving late to an occasion just
because we feel others would arrive late too
-
AFRICAN TIME. We flash with private number.
We are very loud especially when we are
talking
on the mobile phone. We wear sun glasses
at
night. We run in the rain even though we
are
already
wet. We answer questions with questions.
We
always use 'o' at the end of everything. We
call every elderly family friend uncle or aunty.
Some of us will go to South Africa for one
week
and come back with American or British
accent. Our parents like to sew uniformed
outfits for us
and our siblings for special occasions. We
love
to crush chicken bones and fish bones
Calcium things Our mums especially would
force us to eat even
if we aren't hungry or when we're sick. We
love to invite people to occasions someone
else invited us to. If someone die in Nigeria,
we don't believe it is
natural Village must be involved. Our
Mothers
remind us they carried our
pregnancy for nine month when we refuse
to
go
on errands for them. We see u awake in the
morning and ask u "u
dont want to wake up?" These are what
make us UNIQUE!!!

First-year students at a Medical
School were receiving their first
anatomy class with a real dead
human body.
They all gathered around the surgery
table with the body
covered with a white sheet.
The professor started the class by
telling them,
"In medicine, it is necessary to have
2 important qualities as a doctor: The
first is that you must not be
disgusted by anything involving the
human body."
As an example, the Professor pulled
back the sheet, stuck his finger in the
ass of the corpse, withdrew it, and
stuck his finger in his mouth.
Go ahead and do the same thing," he
told his students.
The students freaked out, hesitated
for several minutes, but eventually
took turns sticking a finger in the
butt of the dead body and sucking on
it.
When everyone finished, the Professor
looked at them and told them:
"The second most important quality
is observation. I stuck in my middle
finger and sucked on my index finger.
Now, learn to pay attention."

GUYS THIS WILL MAKE YOU LAUGH TILL YOUR STOMACH BURSTS
EXTRA ORDINARY WORWOR>>>>http://www.nigerianrooster.com/index.php/en/

GUYS
How guys ask for girls' number....
"Babygirl dis chat is getting boring here.are u
on WHATSAPP?"
How guys ask if girls have boyfriends....
"U really do look pretty.am sure your bf is
lucky to have u.hope he has told u dis?"
GIRLS...
How girls ask for recharge card from boys...
"Am really enjoying your chat dear cos u are
so lovely.I would have loved to continue but
my MB is almost finished.pls can you help me
out?"
How girls ask if guys have girlfriends...
"Why would you say am lovely.abeg nor let
your girlfriend beat me o."
Hahahaha...
Abi I lie?

A farmer caught Akpos in his garden, plucking and packing vegetables in a sack.

FARMER: what the are u doing here?

Akpos: A strong wind blew me here.

FARMER: Then what are those vegetables doing in your hands?

Akpos: I was holding unto them so the wind will not carry me any further.

FARMER: OK! So why is that sack on your back?

Akpos: That was what I was wondering before you came.

There is this girl I love so much but I still
don't know why she won't talk to me
anymore. It started like this:
She posted on Facebook: "All men are dogs!"
I commented: "Which breed is your father?"
That's how the problem started.
Please did I ask the wrong question?

A girl ran home with a 20 naira note and showed her mum.

Her mum asked her; "how did u get it?"

She replied; Bros Akpos dat lives down d street sat on a tree and told me to craw"..

Her mother said; "why are u so foolish, dnt u knw dat he
wants to see your pant"..

The next day, she ran home with a 50 naira note and showed her mum.

Her mum asked her where she
got d money frm and she replied;"Bros Akpos dat is living down d street sat on a tree
laughing and he told me to craw".

Her mum said;"why did u do dat
again, dnt u knw he wants to see ur pants"..

She replied; "Mummy he thinks he is wise but dis time i removed my pant".

Who said english is simple?
Read Sister Onome's testimony!
"Praise thy Lord. Hmmm! It's not a small
something.
*Well, actually, it all started a two day ago,
which I'm in my house. So a small hungry is
catching me, so I look in the house, nothing
much to chop only small plantain which I've
not fried before.... So, I tell myself to fry it
and
chop, as I'm frying that plantain, so phone
ringing, so I look, it's a faring place, so I
now
run, which I reach there, it's my father
which
call, so I now say: "Father call after, I is
plantain frying."
So I keep it. So now, I now turn around, as I
turn round, all of a suddenly everywhere in
my house have turn to smoke.
Children of God as I'm approaching, smoke
is
bigging, smoke is just bigging and bigging.
It's a fearing thing o! If it's you self, afraid
will
catch you.
So I now call the name of Jesus three times.
I
shout Jesus Jesus Jesus! All of a
miraculously,
smoke start to be vanishing, to where? I no
know. It's a miracle something o! Smoke
start
to disappearing small, small, small. Then, my
plantain have burn to matches.
Hallelujah...Pr aise thy Lord somebodies.
But my main testimony today be say; I chop
that charcoal and nothing is happen to me.!
Praise thy Lord".

Akpos entered a bar, climbed the
table and shouted
"Who is the strongest here, show
yourself"
A huge guy stood and went
straight to the table where Akpos
was standing and said....
"Here i am, i am the strongest
here"
Akpos seeing the man, smiled and
said.....
"That's good! Pls come and help
me push my car to the mechanic"!

A famous inspirational
speaker said:
“Best years of my life
were spent in the arms
of a woman, who wasn’t
my wife.”
Audience was in shock
and silence.
He added: “She was my
mother.”
(A big round of plause
and laughter)
A very daring husband
tried to crack this at
home.
After dinner, he said
loudly to his wife in the
kitchen:
“Best years of my life
were spent in the arms
of a woman, who wasn’t
my wife”
Standing for a moment,
trying to recall the
second line of that
speaker…
.
.
.
By the time he gained his
senses, he was on a
hospital bed, recovering
from burns of boiling
water!
Moral: Don’t Copy, if you
can’t Paste.

AKPOS: Thieves broke into my house last night, searching for money.

OCHUKO: What did u do?.

AKPOS: I woke up and started searching with them hoping to fine money for my transport fare.

Ochuko: Akpos, wasup?

Akpos: I'm ok.

Ochuko: Why are you dry like this?

Akpos: My guy it is poverty.

Ochuko: Poverty is a disease o! Well everything is in God's hand.

Akpos: mehn! you are really looking good, what's the secret behind it?

Ochuko: It is dream life o.

Akpos: hmm..how?

Ochuko: It is enjoyment in dream
o.. Always enjoying life at Mr.Biggs.

Akpos: ok i will try it..hope it'll be helpful.

Ochuko: Make sure it is Mr.Biggs you go o.

*Next Day*

Ochuko: Wasup? that stuff really work, i can see your stomach has developed.

Akpos: My guy i would have been dead by now if it wasn't for God.

Ochuko: How?.

Akpos: As i went to Mr.Biggs, i ate bread until the bread
hang on my throat. As i woke up i
realise my pillow case has nearly finish.

The Executives Of All Academic Staff Union of Universities Of Nigeria (ASUU) And Some Nigeria Universities' Lecturers Were Called
For A Meeting In London.

They All Met At The Muritala Mohammed International Airport Lagos.

While They Were Seated And Relaxed In The Plane, They Were Informed That The Plane Was Built By Their Students And Was On It's First Experimental Trip.

On hearing this, they all ran out of
the plane, except one.

He was asked why he was still on d plane and he replied; I know what i am teaching them, If This Plane Is Made By Our Students, It Will Not Start.

Teacher - "We are the descendants of Adam and Eve."

Akpos - "...Excuse me sir, but my dad says we are the decendants of ape."

Teacher - "We are not talking about your family here".

Akpos was busy writing while the Teacher was talking.

Teacher : Akpos what are you doing?

Akpos : I am writing a letter.

Teacher : To who?

Akpors : To myself.

Teacher : What's inside the Letter?

Akpos : How the hell am I supposed to know, I haven't received it yet!

A kid went to the police to report about his
lost bicycle.
KID: My new bicycle has been stolen.
POLICE: When did u notice?
KID: This morning
POLICE: Do you have a suspect?
KID: Yes,my mum and dad.
POLICE: why do u suspect them?
KID: yesterday at midnight i heard mum say
make it stand well so I can sit on it very well '
'and dad said ''climb up fast before it falls .
and mum said ''push slowly slowly don't hurt
me.......
POLICE: hahaha o boy na senior bicycle be that
oo=D=))