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Nigeria Jokes Update With Ofego - Jokes Etc (9) - Nairaland

Nairaland Forum / Entertainment / Jokes Etc / Nigeria Jokes Update With Ofego (737450 Views)

AKPOS JOKES, JOKE AFRICA update! / 24/7 Nigeria Jokes Update / Real Funny Nigeria Jokes (1) (2) (3) (4)

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Re: Nigeria Jokes Update With Ofego by njuwo(m): 11:25am On Oct 23, 2013
STUPID ME.

IF not that i was stupid, how would i work for 30 days then give my salary to prostitutes?

IF not that i was crazy, how would i sweat in the sun for hours then spend my wages on beer?

IF not that i was sick, how would i obtain a loan and spend it on burial ceremony?

IF not that i was mad, how would i kill a person for an amount that can't buy me a motor cycle?

IF not that i was dumb, how would i not ask myself these questions?

5 Likes 1 Share

Re: Nigeria Jokes Update With Ofego by njuwo(m): 2:05pm On Oct 23, 2013
JOB INTERVIEW!
INTERVIEWER: Tell me the opposite of Good.
MAN: Bad.
INTERVIEWER: Come.
MAN: Go
INTERVIEWER: Ugly
MAN: Fine
INTERVIEWER: U're wrong!
MAN: U're right!
INTERVIEWER: Shut up!
MAN: Keep talking!
INTERVIEWER: Ok now stop all that.
MAN: Ok now carry on all that.
INTERVIEWER: Get out!
MAN: Come in!
INTERVIEWER: Oh my God.
MAN: Oh my Devil.
INTERVIEWER: U're Rejected.
MAN: I'm selected.

10 Likes 1 Share

Re: Nigeria Jokes Update With Ofego by njuwo(m): 3:21pm On Oct 23, 2013
Akpos Explaining Marketing:

1. You see a Gorgeous Girl at a party. You go up to
her and say: “I am very rich. Marry me!” -
That’s Direct Marketing.

2. You are at a party with a bunch of friends and see a Gorgeous Girl.
One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says:
“He’s very rich. Marry him!” – That’s Advertising.

3. You are at a party and see a Gorgeous Girl. She walks up to you and says: “You are very rich!
Can i marry you?” - That’s Brand
Recognition.

4. You see a Gorgeous Girl at a party. You go to her and say: “I
am very rich. Marry me!” She gives you a nice hard slap on your face. - That’s Customer Feedback.

5. You see a Gorgeous Girl at a party. You go to her and say: “I
am very rich. Marry me!” And she
introduces you to her husband. - That’s Demand and Supply
Gap.

6. You see a Gorgeous Girl at a party. You go to her and before
you say: “I m rich, Marry me!”, your wife arrives. –
That’s Restriction for Entering New Markets.

6 Likes

Re: Nigeria Jokes Update With Ofego by njuwo(m): 3:21pm On Oct 23, 2013
Akpos Explaining Marketing:

1. You see a Gorgeous Girl at a party. You go up to
her and say: “I am very rich. Marry me!” -
That’s Direct Marketing.

2. You are at a party with a bunch of friends and see a Gorgeous Girl.
One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says:
“He’s very rich. Marry him!” – That’s Advertising.

3. You are at a party and see a Gorgeous Girl. She walks up to you and says: “You are very rich!
Can i marry you?” - That’s Brand
Recognition.

4. You see a Gorgeous Girl at a party. You go to her and say: “I
am very rich. Marry me!” She gives you a nice hard slap on your face. - That’s Customer Feedback.

5. You see a Gorgeous Girl at a party. You go to her and say: “I
am very rich. Marry me!” And she
introduces you to her husband. - That’s Demand and Supply
Gap.

6. You see a Gorgeous Girl at a party. You go to her and before
you say: “I m rich, Marry me!”, your wife arrives. –
That’s Restriction for Entering New Markets.

3 Likes 2 Shares

Re: Nigeria Jokes Update With Ofego by njuwo(m): 4:22pm On Oct 23, 2013
In early 90's Arsenal had a player called
Newton Dicks.
He got injured in one match and
Newspapers wrote 'Arsenal to play without
Dicks'
The coach was furious and told the Papers
to write it as 'Arsenal to play with Dicks
out'.
You can guess the number of ladies who
flocked the stadium to watch the really
awaited match.

10 Likes

Re: Nigeria Jokes Update With Ofego by njuwo(m): 5:22pm On Oct 23, 2013
You went to a burial, the casket was opened for friends to pay their last respect to the deceased.

You are the last person to go pay your respect.

As you entered, the DECEASED rose, grab your hand and shouted "COME HERE"

Tell me, what are you going to do?

4 Likes

Re: Nigeria Jokes Update With Ofego by njuwo(m): 6:51pm On Oct 23, 2013
There was a time Akpos really loved a girl but never had the guts to tell her.

One night, at around 11pm, he summoned some courage and sent her an sms saying,
'I love you so much, I want to date u. Please reply and tell me how u feel.'

A few seconds later he received a message alert on his phone. He was soooo scared & tensed to open it that night, so he decided
not to check the reply until in the morning when he is less tensed.

When he woke up the next day: He said his prayers, did his morning chores, brushed
his teeth, ate his breakfast, took his bath, combed his hair, then climbed back to his bed, balanced very comfortably and gently
picked up his phone to read the message.

So he started reading.......
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
"Dear customer, you have insufficient balance to complete your request, kindly
recharge your account and try again!.

Akpos Fainted.

9 Likes 3 Shares

Re: Nigeria Jokes Update With Ofego by njuwo(m): 9:52pm On Oct 23, 2013
One morning the husband returns after
several hours of fishing and decides to take
a nap.
Although not familiar with the lake, the wife
decides to take the boat out.
She motors out a short distance, anchors,
and reads her
book.
Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He
pulls up alongside the woman and says,
"Good morning, Ma'am. What are you
doing?"
"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking,
"Isn't that obvious?"wink
"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he
informs her.
"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm
reading."
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all
I know you could start at any moment. I'll
have to take you in and
write you up."
"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with
sexual assault," says the woman.
"But I haven't even touched you," says the
game warden.
"That's true, but you have all the equipment.
For all I know you could start at any
moment."
"Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.
MORAL: Never argue with a woman who
reads. It's likely she can also think.

15 Likes

Re: Nigeria Jokes Update With Ofego by njuwo(m): 7:23am On Oct 24, 2013
Akpos was toasting a girl in a well packed bus but the girl kept rebuffing his advances
but he persisted.

The girl got frustrated and yelled 'is it by force??!!'

Everybody's questioning eyes were turned on Akpos in an instance.

He was so embarrassed and to cover it up he yelled back 'Yes, it is by force! You must accept Jesus Christ as your Lord and Saviour.

12 Likes 2 Shares

Re: Nigeria Jokes Update With Ofego by njuwo(m): 8:39am On Oct 24, 2013
A man went on a date in a brand new Range Rover Sport ride with his new girlfriend of one month.

Man: I have been hiding a secret from you and I think you'll break up with me if I tell you the truth.

Girl: What is that my love?

Man: Am already married and have 3 kids.

Girl: (Pats him on the lap and hissed) You scared a Hell out of me. I thought you wanted to say this beautiful car is not yours.

9 Likes

Re: Nigeria Jokes Update With Ofego by njuwo(m): 9:46am On Oct 24, 2013
A guy was chilling with his girlfriend when she excused herself to attend to something
else but left her phone behind.

A while later her phone rang and the guy looked at the caller ID...it read Fool 32, he laughed so hard then he thought about calling her phone just for kicks.

Unfortunately the caller ID read Fool 98...the guy broke down in tears!

1 Like

Re: Nigeria Jokes Update With Ofego by njuwo(m): 10:53am On Oct 24, 2013
A Governor was in a church for
thanksgiving.

The topic of the sermon was "repentance".

After the sermon, Pastor Akpos asked the congregation 'if anybody wants to give his or her
life to God lift your hand let me pray for you......'

Nobody responded for about three times.

The Governor mounted d alter and made a statement.."If u want to give your life to God please
lift up your hands let Pastor pray for you cause we want to have good citizens in this state".

A guy lifted up his hands reluctantly.

The governor asked his PA to give the guy 10 million naira.

The governor repeated the same statement again, this time around everybody's hand was up...

The Governor turned to Pastor Akpos to pray for them, to his greatest surprise Pastor Akpos hand was also up.....

10 Likes 1 Share

Re: Nigeria Jokes Update With Ofego by njuwo(m): 11:49am On Oct 24, 2013
Ofego: Akpos my man, I found Aladin's lamp today.

Akpos: Wow, what did u ask for?

Ofego: I asked him to increase your brain ten times.

Akpos: Oh! Ofego my main guy i love you so much. Did he do that?

Ofego: He laughed and said, multiplication doesn't apply on zero.

8 Likes

Re: Nigeria Jokes Update With Ofego by njuwo(m): 2:45pm On Oct 24, 2013
A Dirty Dressed Akpos saw a girl and he suddenly ran to her..!

The girl seeing him thought he was a madman running
towards her.

She took to her heels, she ran
as fast as she could, as she was running,

Akpos continue to pursued her...!

The Girl picked race and ran until she got tired, when the girl saw that she can'nt stand it any more,

She waited, when Akpos
caught up with her, She Asked, Please sir, what do you want from me? Akpos replied: Nothing
oooo! I just want to say You Are Beautiful..!

2 Likes

Re: Nigeria Jokes Update With Ofego by njuwo(m): 4:14pm On Oct 24, 2013
At a launching ceremony, Chief Akpos who is an illiterate noticed that each dignitary making a donation had two titles attached
to their names.

For instance, Chief (Dr.) Ofego Akpe, Prof (Pastor) Oghenefegor Akwaruta, etc.

Chief Akpos was determined not to allow anyone upstage him at the occasion.

When it was his turn to speak, he took the microphone and announced: I, Late (Chief)
Akpos Akpomiemie Akpororo Atanatene donate the sum of N500,000 cash.

Late Who??

The hall was empty in 60 seconds.

7 Likes 1 Share

Re: Nigeria Jokes Update With Ofego by njuwo(m): 5:22pm On Oct 24, 2013
Some Girls don't even know how to chat.

They will be the first to inbox you and they will make the conversation boring........

Jenny: Hi

Ofego: Sup

Jenny: Gud (They won't even ask you ''how about you'')

Ofego: Thats nice

Jenny: k

2 days later...

Jenny: Good morning

Ofego: Good morning dear, how was your night?

Jenny: Fine.

Ofego: i can sense it

Jenny: k

30 minutes Later

Jenny: I love your write up

Ofego: thanks, what do you like about it?

Jenny: Nothing

Ofego: But you just said you liked it

Jenny: Kk

1 day later

Jenny: Hi

Ofego: Sup?

Jenny: Kkk.....

TRUE OR FALSE?

16 Likes

Re: Nigeria Jokes Update With Ofego by Sadusky(m): 7:28pm On Oct 24, 2013
njuwo: Some Girls don't even know how to chat.

They will be the first to inbox you and they will make the conversation boring........

Jenny: Hi

Ofego: Sup

Jenny: Gud (They won't even ask you ''how about you'')

Ofego: Thats nice

Jenny: k

2 days later...

Jenny: Good morning

Ofego: Good morning dear, how was your night?

Jenny: Fine.

Ofego: i can sense it

Jenny: k

30 minutes Later

Jenny: I love your write up

Ofego: thanks, what do you like about it?

Jenny: Nothing

Ofego: But you just said you liked it

Jenny: Kk

1 day later

Jenny: Hi

Ofego: Sup?

Jenny: Kkk.....

TRUE OR FALSE?

True

You find this kind of people on 2go messenger
Re: Nigeria Jokes Update With Ofego by njuwo(m): 8:10pm On Oct 24, 2013
Akpos called customer care by 1 am.

After 30 mins of advert, finally, Akpos comes on line.

Customer care: Hello this is MTN customer care how can I help u?.

Akpos: God punish u!

Customer care: Sorry sir that's not polite, what's the problem?

Akpos: Are u askin me? Check ur time, what is it sayin?

Customer care: Sir this is 1:30 am.

Akpos: So, why are u not asleep, are u a witch?

Customer care: No sir am not a wizard.

Akpos: Then what are u? Has others not slept finish?

Customer care: Sir, please go straight to the reason why u called.

Akpos: Ok, I have N99 on my phone, please transfer me N1 naira let me make midnight call.

Customer care: Hahahahahahahah ahaha. Between you and i who is a witch?

3 Likes

Re: Nigeria Jokes Update With Ofego by njuwo(m): 7:56am On Oct 25, 2013
Ofego: Take this N150,000, go to computer village and buy me a quality laptop with a big RAM.

Akpos: Okay!.

Akpos didn't return after two days, so Ofego decided to reach him on phone.

Ofego: Hello, Akpos, what is keeping you long?.

Akpos: The RAM

Ofego: The RAM? How do you mean? Where are you now?

Akpos: I'm on my way back from Kano.

Ofego: Kano?

Akpos: Yes Kano. I bought the Laptop at Ikeja but I traveled to Kano to buy the big RAM.

Ofego: Oh my God!

Akpos(gets angry): Oh my what? Ofego are u normal? I'm not a little child o! Is it not Laptop and big ram you send me?

8 Likes 2 Shares

Re: Nigeria Jokes Update With Ofego by njuwo(m): 9:33am On Oct 25, 2013
Two Boko Haram boys were making letter bombs.

1st Boy: I’m not sure whether i put enough explosive in this envelope before i sealed it.

2nd Boy: “Well, then open it and look.”

1st Boy: “But if i open it, it will explode!”

2nd Boy: “Don’t be stupid! It’s not addressed to you!

1st Boy: “You are right, the address on the envelope is not my address”.

1st Boy opens the envelope and............

3 Likes

Re: Nigeria Jokes Update With Ofego by jamace(m): 12:08pm On Oct 25, 2013
grin grin grin grin Ha ha ha ha LWKMD grin grin grin

OP, you too much o. Please tell me the truth. Are you AKPOS? grin
Re: Nigeria Jokes Update With Ofego by njuwo(m): 12:30pm On Oct 25, 2013
At a table in a candle-lit restaurant, a man
and woman are having dinner, and the
following
conversation ensued:
Man: Baby, i love you, will you please marry
me?
Woman: (stands up and lands a stinging
slap on his face) I
have waited more than 9yrs, I have prayed,
fasted, sowed seeds, bought books and
listened to tapes, even went out of my way
to
be nice to every male specie of
marriageable
age! I took up new hobbies, watching
football and play station. I went to Daystar,
from Daystar, I went to House on the Rock,
from House on the rock I went to Guiding
Light Assembly, Phronesis Christian Centre
int'l, MFM, Christ Embassy, Redeemed, from
there I went to This Present Winners
looking
every where for you. l went from asize 14
to
asize 10, so that when you see me you’d
love
what you see. I left Lagos, went to Abuja,
from Abuja I went to Port- Harcourt, then I
went all the way to Kano I joined hi-five,
from
hi-five to Facebook, then I went to twitter, I
even had a blog on which I ranted,
hoping ?
o? would show up! for where? I uploaded
only my best pictures on Facebook, infact I
took photo sessions to look my best, all for
you o! I attended all the weddings, whether
the invitation was direct or indirect! The
next
place I was hoping to check was the moon,
before you crawled out, crawled out from
the
house directly next to mine! So it was you
all
this while? The neighbourI said hello to
every
morning? Were you trying to destroy my
faith? You almost rendered my prayer life
useless? What were you waiting for? What
sign where you looking for? Do you want to
kill me before you reveal yourself?!!! Now
be a
gentleman, get down on your knees and
put
that ring on my finger!! The Guy replied,
"April Fool o."
What will you do if you were the girl?

6 Likes 2 Shares

Re: Nigeria Jokes Update With Ofego by njuwo(m): 1:34pm On Oct 25, 2013
A bushman finds a mirror in the veld but he doesn't know what it is.

He gets a shock when he looks into the mirror and sees his father who is dead.

Every time he misses his father he looks into the mirror and cries his
heart out.

His wife couldn't take it anymore.
She grabbed the mirror from him and looked into it.

Very angry she screamed at her
husband - 'You fool, who is this ugly woman you are crying for?.

2 Likes 1 Share

Re: Nigeria Jokes Update With Ofego by njuwo(m): 3:24pm On Oct 25, 2013
During a robbery in Lagos, Nigeria, the bank
robber shouted to everyone in the bank:
"Don't move. The money belongs to the
State.
Your life belongs to you."
Everyone in the bank laid down quietly.
*This is called "Mind Changing Concept”
Changing the conventional way of thinking.
When a lady lay on the table provocatively,
the robber shouted at her: "Please be
civilized!
This is a robbery and not a rape!" *This is
called "Being Professional” Focus only on
what you are trained to do!*
When the bank robbers returned home, the
younger robber (MBA-trained) told the older
robber (who has only completed Year 6 in
primary school): "Big brother, let's count
how much we got." The older robber
rebutted and
said: "You are very stupid. There is so much
money it will take us a long time to count.
Tonight, the TV news will tell us how much
we robbed from the bank!"
*This is called "Experience.
”Nowadays, experience is more important
than paper qualifications! *
After the robbers had left, the bank
manager told the bank supervisor to call the
police
quickly. But the supervisor said to him:
"Wait! Let us take out $10 million from the
bank for
ourselves and add it to the $70 million that
we have previously embezzled from the
bank”.
*This is called "Swimming with the tide.”
Converting an unfavorable situation to your
advantage!*
The supervisor says: "It will be good if there
is a robbery every month."
*This is called "Killing Boredom.” Personal
Happiness is more important than your
job*.
The next day, the TV news reported that $
100 million was taken from the bank. The
robbers
counted and counted and counted, but they
could only count $20 million.
The robbers were very angry and
complained: "We risked our lives and only
took $20 million.
The bank manager took $80 million with a
snap of his fingers. It looks like it is better
to be educated than to be a thief!"
*This is called "Knowledge is worth as
much as gold!*"
The bank manager was smiling and happy
because his losses in the share market are
now covered by this robbery.
*This is called "Seizing the opportunity.”
Daring to take risks!*
So who are the real robbers here?

4 Likes

Re: Nigeria Jokes Update With Ofego by njuwo(m): 5:37pm On Oct 25, 2013
Ofego: Meet my Wife Jane.

Akpos: Oh! I know her.

Ofego: How?

Akpos: We were caught sleeping together.

Ofego: What?? What the hell?
.
.
.
.
Akpos : During lecture in maths class.

2 Likes

Re: Nigeria Jokes Update With Ofego by njuwo(m): 10:22pm On Oct 25, 2013
There was a house of a drunkard and in the compound he dug a very big hole.

One day he came back very drunk and this is what happened.

Drunk man: Open the door.

Wife : Today I'm not opening the door I'm tired of your drinking.

Man: If you dont open I will throw myself in this hole and die.

Wife : Die hahaha you even don't have any use in this world.

Drunk man carried a very big stone and threw it into the hole and boooom it made noise.

The wife on hearing this, wraps herself with a towel and opens the door.

Immediately the drunk husband enters the house and closes the door leaving the wife outside.

Wife shouting : Open this door or else i will make noise and neighbours will come here .......

Drunk husband : Ooh go on make noise and when they come you will explain to them where you are coming from dressed in a towel.

5 Likes 1 Share

Re: Nigeria Jokes Update With Ofego by njuwo(m): 9:55am On Oct 26, 2013
Husband wanted to call the hospital to ask about his pregnant wife, but accidentally called the cricket stadium.

He asks, “How’s the situation?”

He was shocked and nearly died on hearing the reply.

They said, “It’s fine. 3 are out, hope to get another 7 out by lunch, last one was a duck!”

3 Likes

Re: Nigeria Jokes Update With Ofego by njuwo(m): 11:09am On Oct 26, 2013
Ofego to Akpos: Why don't u just go and study?

Akpos: What for?

Ofego: You'll get good marks.

Akpos: then?

Ofego: You'll get good job.

Akpos: then?

Ofego: You'll have big house, new car.

Akpos: So what after that?

Ofego: After that you'll relax.

Akpos: So what do u think i'm doing right now

2 Likes

Re: Nigeria Jokes Update With Ofego by njuwo(m): 1:03pm On Oct 26, 2013
While preparing for WAEC Ofego told Akpos to pay money so that he would see a native doctor.

According to him once the exams
commenced no one would be able to see them cheating.

Akpos paid to him and when the exams commenced Akpos was whispering and urging Ofego to lead the way.

Of course Ofego didn't do anything but when the pressure got too much he mustered
courage and walked to the front of the hall, opened his bag brought out his book and
strolled back to his seat.

His confidence obviously confused the invigilator who assumed he had just gone to pick a pen. Immediately he sat down Akpos leapt to his feet and sauntered to the front of the class to
get his notebook but this time the invigilator was watching closely and as he strolled back
to his seat with his Book the invigilator screamed at him; "STOP! What do u want to use that book for? "

Akpos turned in Suprise and asked; " Sir are you seeing me?

2 Likes 1 Share

Re: Nigeria Jokes Update With Ofego by njuwo(m): 2:56pm On Oct 26, 2013
My Pastor finished the service one sunday by saying; "Next Sunday, I am going to preach on the subject of LIARS. As a preparation for my
sermon, I would like you all to read Mark 17".

The following Sunday, my pastor rose to begin. Looking out at the congregation he said; "Last week i asked you all to read Mark
17. If you read the chapter, please raise up your hand.

Almost every hand in the church went up.

Smiling, my pastor said; "You are the very people i want to talk about. Mark has only 16
chapters."

6 Likes 1 Share

Re: Nigeria Jokes Update With Ofego by njuwo(m): 4:42pm On Oct 26, 2013
Akpos was being discharged from Yaba Mental Hospital after the doctors thought he was finally
back to normal.

They put him in an Ambulance to be taken back home.

They took him to Omole Estate Phase 1, as he claimed that's
where he lived.

Just as they approached a certain house, 2 kids dressed in school uniforms came out of the house.
Akpos screamed; "Those are my children, they are going to school".
A minute later a woman came out of the same house and Akpos screamed; "That's my wife,
she is late for work."
This time the doctors were convinced Akpos was okay and took him out of the ambulance but was still in chains.
As they were about unlocking the chains, a man came out of the house and Akpos screamed;
"That's me, i'm going to my office."

3 Likes

Re: Nigeria Jokes Update With Ofego by njuwo(m): 8:28pm On Oct 26, 2013
NIGERIA GIRL WATCHING NOLLYWOOD MOVIE.

In the movie, Ramsey Noah is the step son of Patience Ozokwo(Mama G),

Patience Ozokwo acted as a
wicked woman.

Patience Ozokwo's plan was to
poison Ramsey Noah.

After puttin d poison into a glass of juice, she kept it in d fridge.

(Nigeria girl still watching)

Nigeria girl: This woman is very wicked.

In d movie: Suddenly,
Ramsey Noah comes back from work.

Nigeria Girl: (still watching)
Ramsey please don't go to the kitchen.

In d movie: Ramsey Noah
enters inside the kitchen.

Nigeria Girl: (still watching) Ramsey pls don't go near d fridge.

In d movie: Ramsey Noah goes straight to d fridge.

Nigeria Girl: (still watching)
Ramsey please don't carry juice, just carry water and drink. Then go and sleep.

In d movie: Ramsey Noah
carries the juice, as he was about to drink the juice the glass fell
down on d floor and breaks.

Nigeria Girl (excited): THANK YOU JESUS!

9 Likes

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