We all have seen that living in the world itself gets harder by the day, especially parents who live back home and are struggling to make ends meet......we all try our best to be better people in life but sometimes our best isn't good enough and the universe refuses to cooperate with us hence difficulties in achieving greater things in life.

I had a discussion with a Nigerian woman who said her and her husbands job is to make sure they give their kids the best education till they get their BSc after which the children have to fend for themselves. Truth is I don't believe in that, some children I believe need a little push in life and if parents are able to take up that responsibility, why not?

Many people in Nigeria have good jobs because their parents were able to pull a few strings for them, many live outside Nigerian and are successful cos their parents decided to send them out of the country for their Master's.....but then we have Children whose parents have done enough and a lot for them to better their lives but they have refused to make themselves useful in life-that I have a problem with.

God forbid having a naughty child but should parents still push to better that child's future? Or let them be and focus on some other people.

Pardon my errors. I'm mobile

It doesn't end. Unless u r a bad parent hence ur children will not take u serious.
My rule; no encrouchment. I can be a special adviser(u no what I mean)
Enof freedom to explore urself. I can only guide and advice if u want it.

Thank you CC. I thought I was the only one that has that kind of mindset. There is this guy in Abuja I know, actually we attended the same primary school. Where has this boy not travelled to, to look for a job? The father said he has sent him to school and has done his part, its left for the boy to figure himself out. This man is freaking wealthy CC, now I don't know what went between them but one thing I know is this guy is super intelligent. If anyone wants a job in any oil company in Nigeria, just go to that man and the person will get it, why not do it for his own son?

Someone told me I would spoil my kids just because I said if I ever won a lotto or became so rich that my bank account is over flowing, I would buy a house for each of my children. Is there something wrong with that?

I agree with you ladies. The job is never over. I see no reason not to do what you can for your children. Isn't it wickedness that you will refuse to use your resources to better your child's life just because you want to teach some lesson? Shouldn't you have taught all those lessons a long time ago?

And that answers Damiso's thread question : Yes we live For our Kids.

You can give them the right shove and help they need in life but also there is a time you have to know the limit before you spoil them rotten

Some adults still have the mentality of "My mom would do it for me"

I have seen a grown man around 40 who still goes to collect money from his mom and atimes steal from the moms purse

dayokanu: You can give them the right shove and help they need in life but also there is a time you have to know the limit before you spoil them rotten

Some adults still have the mentality of "My mom would do it for me"

I have seen a grown man around 40 who still goes to collect money from his mom and atimes steal from the moms purse

One I know is more than forty. He is d last born. Mum is a minister. His car to his house;mummy. While d rest r busy out there, mummy is begging him to at least marry.
Over pampering at its peak.

am learning

yellowpawpaw:
One I know is more than forty. He is d last born. Mum is a minister. His car to his house;mummy. While d rest r busy out there, mummy is begging him to at least marry.
Over pampering at its peak.

This one was my friends elder brother.

His mom forced him to marry at 39, She made clothes for him and the bride, She sponsored the whole wedding since he doesnt have any job or income

WHen it was time to dance at the wedding party he had dissappeared everyone started panicking looking for him, they found him at a beer parlour arguing about Obasanjo and Atiku while his own wedding was going on

Another one refused to do any work over 40 been dreaming of going to Canada since 1999 that he even didnt bother looking for jobs or anything

^^You are kidding!probably talking about one nollywood movie
I support parents supporting their kids to a stage but there comes a time when they need to be left alone to figure it out themselves.That I call maturity.

Parents sometimes confuse care with overindulgence and over dependence which ends up ruining their children's lives
as seen in the nollywood movie narrated by dayokanu

Dayo's story us real.

No Dayo I don't support such,at 40 mba, that one is a curse.

dayokanu:

This one was my friends elder brother.

His mom forced him to marry at 39, She made clothes for him and the bride, She sponsored the whole wedding since he doesnt have any job or income

WHen it was time to dance at the wedding party he had dissappeared everyone started panicking looking for him, they found him at a beer parlour arguing about Obasanjo and Atiku while his own wedding was going on

Another one refused to do any work over 40 been dreaming of going to Canada since 1999 that he even didnt bother looking for jobs or anything

ROTFL

I had a discussion with a Nigerian woman who said her and her husbands job is to make sure they give their kids the best education till they get their BSc after which the children have to fend for themselves. Truth is I don't believe in that, some children I believe need a little push in life and if parents are able to take up that responsibility, why not?

BSc? This one even tried. Some parents relinquish their duties after secondary school. This is why some girls go into semi-prostitution.
From experience, fresh graduates don't even know how to really look for a job. It is until my child has settled in her job/career that I will breathe a little sigh of relief, but I won't make it that obvious that mummy would always be there before she turns lazy. I would use whatever connection at my disposal to get her started. After that she can carry herself along. I will not born a dunce. Lol.

It doesn't make any sense to me while my dad is rich or has the means to help me and he refuses to do it. I will steal his money. yes I have a sense of entitlement.

There comes a time when a parent should not be active in their children's lives. When that time comes, it is required of the parents to watch over the child from afar, praying for them, wishing them well, giving advice when it is asked for and shutting up when it is becoming too much. The children didn't ask to be born. So the parents are responsible till death. It is only the level of active involvement that reduces.

stillwater:

BSc? This one even tried. Some parents relinquish their duties after secondary school. This is why some girls go into semi-prostitution.
From experience, fresh graduates don't even know how to really look for a job. It is until my child has settled in her job/career that I will breathe a little sigh of relief, but I won't make it that obvious that mummy would always be there before she turns lazy. I would use whatever connection at my disposal to get her started. After that she can carry herself along. I will not born a dunce. Lol.

It doesn't make any sense to me while my dad is rich or has the means to help me and he refuses to do it. I will steal his money. yes I have a sense of entitlement.

Do you know you are right? You know I never took a dime from a man before I got married, not even a cent. I was not spoilt rotten but I was provided with everything I NEEDED by my parents so really there was nothing a man could do for me that I couldn't get from my parents.

Train up a child in the way he should go, when he is old, he will not depart from it.....

The roles of parents in their children's lives are unlimited as long as the parents remain mentally alright to counsel when the need arises.

That being said, parents should guide against over pampering their children in the name of catering for their needs. They should know where to draw the line so as not to render useless their children.

When they are of age, they will still need counsel and wisdom of elders from their parents even in their marriage and other life scenarios.....

A good father leaves inheritance for his children children... The inheritance is not necessarily material things, it could be in form of a moral and social family values.

dayokanu:

This one was my friends elder brother.

His mom forced him to marry at 39, She made clothes for him and the bride, She sponsored the whole wedding since he doesnt have any job or income

WHen it was time to dance at the wedding party he had dissappeared everyone started panicking looking for him, they found him at a beer parlour arguing about Obasanjo and Atiku while his own wedding was going on

Another one refused to do any work over 40 been dreaming of going to Canada since 1999 that he even didnt bother looking for jobs or anything

Its a lie!
What a mess!
The wife will say that is she now married abi?

I want to hug you so badly right now. As of August this guy was still looking for a job. The situation in that country and in many families are the reasons why I opened some threads. Why should my age mate who graduated since ninty kokoro be jobless or have a rich father who has refused to help out? Why isn't the country helping their citizens out? I could go on and on but one thing I do know is, if I am in a position to help my kids and give them things without them struggling for it, I will.

Over here once a child is over 15 that child has to start paying the parents rent, I asked one parent why so and she told them its to give them a sense of responsibility but guess what, we paid no rents to our parents and we are the most educated amongst them all, we foreigners are the ones tapping from their economy, we never paid rent yet we grab any opportunity we get.

No one child is same and a child who has vowed to be responsible will be with or without receiving things for free

nikibena:

Jenny, I have been reading your threads and posts and actually logged on to follow you when I saw this thread.

I can relate with your friend there.

^^^^ Even if I had no believe in any spirituality, I would have believed that curses of parents on children work wonders...

It reminds me of my final year in Ife. As a student of geology, there is a compulsory course on independent mapping exercise in which all students are posted to various parts of the state (Osun) for 3-4 weeks to conduct an independent (as the name implies) mapping of the region.

My group of four was posted to Iperindo, one of the gold deposit area of Ilesha. There was this woman with 3 children in front of the house we lodged, she never mentioned one good word to her children for the three and half weeks we stayed there.

She wakes them up with curses, send them on errand with curses, correct them with curses. I can't forget one morning as early as 6am, while I was preparing for the daily exercise, I heard her say "eyin oloshi wonyi, se ko ye ki e ti ji" (You these unfortunate fellows, are you not supposed to be awake now). That statement hit me like when USA dropped bomb on Hiroshima. There was no existing and non-existing curse words this woman never used on those poor little children..She even sowed curse words into their future.

I personally observed those children and their behavior was not different from a cursed fellow. So obvious. My regret till date is I never summoned the courage to talk to this woman against this action. Anytime I remember, it pricks my heart and I pray for those innocent children.

I must say I never saw her husband at all for all the weeks we spent there. My group members opined that her curses sent her husband packing.

bellong: ^^^^ Even if I had no believe in any spirituality, I would have believed that curses of parents on children work wonders...

It reminds me of my final year in Ife. As a student of geology, there is a compulsory course on independent mapping exercise in which all students are posted to various parts of the state (Osun) for 3-4 weeks to conduct an independent (as the name implies) mapping of the region.
I
My group of four was posted to Iperindo, one of the gold deposit area of Ilesha. There was this woman with 3 children in front of the house we lodged, she never mentioned one good word to her children for the three and half weeks we stayed there.

She wakes them up with curses, send them on errand with curses, correct them with curses. I can't forget one morning as early as 6am, while I was preparing for the daily exercise, I heard her say "eyin oloshi wonyi, se ko ye ki e ti ji" (You these unfortunate fellows, are you not supposed to be awake now). That statement hit me like when USA dropped bomb on Hiroshima. There was no existing and non-existing curse words this woman never used on those poor little children..She even sowed curse words into their future.

I personally observed those children and their behavior was not different from a cursed fellow. So obvious. My regret till date is I never summoned the courage to talk to this woman against this action. Anytime I remember, it pricks my heart and I pray for those innocent children.

I must say I never saw her husband at all for all the weeks we spent there. My group members opined that her curses sent her husband packing.

We used to buy ogi and eko from one woman that is very similar to what you described up there.Gosh, it was not a silly sight to behold. My Dad hated negative words of any sort ie oloshi, , Oloriburuku etc so he banned us from buying from her.

I also used to braid my hair with one (back in the days of me trying to be a chic on a budget ) that woman wanted to kill her child cos of 5 naira biscuit, that one I was able to tell off gave her 10 naira and threatened never to come back.Often its a case of transferred aggression like the poor child is the cause of the problem.

Of course you will get annoyed with your kids but your response (which should ideally be your default character not just to your kids) is to censor your words and not be reactive.I remember my mum would say things like Eyin omo dada yii(you this good children) just to avoid saying the opposite words.

bellong: ^^^^ Even if I had no believe in any spirituality, I would have believed that curses of parents on children work wonders...

It reminds me of my final year in Ife. As a student of geology, there is a compulsory course on independent mapping exercise in which all students are posted to various parts of the state (Osun) for 3-4 weeks to conduct an independent (as the name implies) mapping of the region.

My group of four was posted to Iperindo, one of the gold deposit area of Ilesha. There was this woman with 3 children in front of the house we lodged, she never mentioned one good word to her children for the three and half weeks we stayed there.

She wakes them up with curses, send them on errand with curses, correct them with curses. I can't forget one morning as early as 6am, while I was preparing for the daily exercise, I heard her say "eyin oloshi wonyi, se ko ye ki e ti ji" (You these unfortunate fellows, are you not supposed to be awake now). That statement hit me like when USA dropped bomb on Hiroshima. There was no existing and non-existing curse words this woman never used on those poor little children..She even sowed curse words into their future.

I personally observed those children and their behavior was not different from a cursed fellow. So obvious. My regret till date is I never summoned the courage to talk to this woman against this action. Anytime I remember, it pricks my heart and I pray for those innocent children.

I must say I never saw her husband at all for all the weeks we spent there. My group members opined that her curses sent her husband packing.

Its a common thing in the Ijesha axis. They like to curse

chaircover: I dont think that your job as a parent can ever end until the day you die. Even when you die, I have heard people tell the dead person at the funeral not to sleep too deeply but to carry on watching over their kids. may God bless us all with a "rich" and long life.

If God forbid one has a bad child, one will keep on trying to get that child to fix up. it is only in rare cases that I have heard cases of parents totally giving up on their kids and that is why, when everyone else sees the bad in the child, it seems that the parents are condoning it, but its actually because they see the kid as part of them and just cant cut the kid off or put the kid away.

As for me, my work continues ongoing. I see my job as sending them to school, giving them a good upbringing and showing then right from wrong as just one stage of it



Then there comes the stage of preparing them for their own adulthood, teaching them values and morals, how to be a good partner and parent themselves, how to choose the right person and so on.

Then there comes the stage of being there for them even though they are adults and can fend for themselves. You need to be there for them when they need advise. You also need to be there for their children too.

My grandchildren shouldn't have to go to a stranger/child minder, If I am available and my kids want to say for example go on holiday together.
My grandkids shouldn't need to take out a student loan if I have thousands in the bank doing nothing.
My grandchildren shouldn't need to rent accommodation for youth service if I have a house in the state they are serving.

. . so as you see my dear, once you start having kids, its a lifetime job. Always looking out for them and always wanting the best for them.

1000 likes CC you speak my mind here. Matter of fact I was discussing this same thing with my kids yesterday. It never ends, this parenting job. My mum cares and worries about all 5 grown up kids and the spouses of the married ones. When any of the grankids have a fever, she doesnt rest till they are well. When the grankids are writing degree or entrance exams she is on her knees praying etc

Its no wonder we Africans dont abandon our parents when they are old and frail and package them to institutions like they do in the Western world

smartmom:

1000 likes CC you speak my mind here. Matter of fact I was discussing this same thing with my kids yesterday. It never ends, this parenting job. My mum cares and worries about all 5 grown up kids and the spouses of the married ones. When any of the grankids have a fever, she doesnt rest till they are well. When the grankids are writing degree or entrance exams she is on her knees praying etc

Its no wonder we Africans dont abandon our parents when they are old and frail and package them to institutions like they do in the Western world

When my kids are above 18yrs, it kinda ends...I don't even mind staying in old ppls home anyways, I heard they get new boyfriends there .
If we both alive as parents, we will check in to the home o, enough checking out follow hot grannies. Live goes on. Will only go for weekend trips to my children, grand children and great grand...

Every child is different,any parent with more than one child will tell you
chaircover said that somewhere and it is so true
No one formula fits all
HOw you parent Ifeoma may be totally different from the way you parent Njideka by their make up
You approach each one based on their peculiarities

A parent who has decided that a son must fashion out their own path may know something about that child,you may not see by looking from the outside.
If I won the lotto today,I may not tell my children
Because it may be distracting.They will see us live better and afford more but that is about it
I would never give them the impression that money is now nyafu nyafu
Some kids may not handle it well
Look around,I am sure we all know children from money bags that were sent to the best schools and today are total failures in all aspects of life,grossly irresponsible despite all the wealth because they grew up with the mentality that they don't have to do anything.

I don't want my children to be dependent on me as adults
I want them to be their own individuals but they can be 100% sure that We will always be there.
That is our parenting style
I always tell people that we have just one chance at getting it right with these kids against all the other competing interests out there and boy,are they plenty
There is no room for any major errors,it may be fatal

My children are my greatest achievement in life
I can get fame or fortune or lose it all but if my kids succeed in life to be wholesome citizens I would have succeeded
If they fail ( GOd forbid),every thing I ever worked for or achieved would be totally useless
That is how I feel

Chillisauce:

When my kids are above 18yrs, it kinda ends...I don't even mind staying in old ppls home anyways, I heard they get new boyfriends there .
If we both alive as parents, we will check in to the home o, enough checking out follow hot grannies. Live goes on. Will only go for weekend trips to my children, grand children and great grand...

Lol, but how about when you become too old to even stand not to talk about checking out 'hot grannies' eh? and nobody remembers there is one old granpa in one old peoples' home. I hear alot of horror stories about those homes too.

18 years is still basically a kid Chillesauce, not even outta university for most. I trust you are joking right?

smartmom:

Lol, but how about when you become too old to even stand not to talk about checking out 'hot grannies' eh? and nobody remembers there is one old granpa in one old peoples' home. I hear alot of horror stories about those homes too.

18 years is still basically a kid Chillesauce, not even outta university for most. I trust you are joking right?

Ok, not giving up totally at 18 yrs...50% gone, by 25 yrs they should be 85% gone.

As for old ppl home, my grand mother in law clearly is enjoying her self there. Comes in some weekends for family lunch...the last time, she sent out someone from her room who clearly lost her way.

The other grannie thought she was in her room, but my old woman still got her memory and strength intact. The proprietor had to separate them and reported granny to FIL.

What am saying, it will be boring staying in my grand kids house, seeing myself as a burden. In my children house, I might come for omugwo but that's it. They are on their own. I would have given them all they need by age 25.
Next they will be needing from me, is either 3 month omugwo, dropping off kids for max 5 days getaway or my WILL.

@Chillesauce, aha now you are talking like a naija person with all the omugwo talk(oyinbos dont do it you know) and yes I agree gannies dont have to live all the time with their kids when they are old. My mum loves her own space an independence too much to come live for long periods with any of us but we all are constantly and closely involved with her and her life.

I breathe easier with the 25 year mandate but then again with our economy, many of the kids may not be employed by that age, most will be studying a Masters or so. What do you tell such a child? kick him/her out in the cold?