Mr Akpors ordered for a voice automated robot car that does anything he tells it to do correctly without any error.

He got the car and started sending it on errands.

He was so proud of what the car can do without mistakes.

He was not able to go out on a day, his wife told him to tell the car to go and pick the children from school because she was so tired.

Mr Akpors agreed.

Mr Akpors: Car, go and bring my children from school.

The car went and didn't return on time as expected, they knew something must be wrong.

Several hours later and no car, Mr Akpors became worried, dressed up, ready to lodge a report at the police station.

He and his wife just stepped outside when they saw the car coming with an overload of children.
The car parked right in front of them and said,
"These are your children sir"

In the car was their Landlady's two daughters, their choir mistress two sons, his wife's best friend's daughter, their pastor's son and their neighbours two sons.

Wife: Don't tell me all these ones are your children?

Mr Akpors, nonplussed, calmly replied.. DEAR,CAN YOU TELL ME WHY YOUR OWN CHILDREN ARE NOT IN THE CAR ??

Akpos came first in his class and his class teacher gave him a gift saying,

"Well done Akpos, I hope u will do d same next time"

Akpos smiled and said, "Thank u sir, I hope u will come again next time to print d question papers at my uncle's printing press."

A guy who was an aeroplane cleaner was cleaning the pilot's cockpit and saw a book entitled, “How to fly an aeroplane for beginners, Vol. 1 ".

He opened the first page which said; "To
start the engine, press the red button". He did so
and the airplane engine started.

He was pleased and opened the next page, "To set airplane moving press blue button". He did so and the plane started moving at an amazing speed.

He wanted to fly, he opened the 3rd page which said; "To let airplane fly, please press the green
button". He did so and the plane started to fly. He was so happy.

After 20 minutes of flying, he was satisfied and wanted to land. He opened to the 4th page. The
4th page said, "To learn how to land a plane, please watch out for Volume 2...

The first one is too good....

aquaprin90: The first one is too good....

Thanks.... I appreciate...

Akpos & Ochuko were discussing the new secretary at their office.

Ochuko to Akpos : Man, I went on a date with her last Tuesday and we had wonderful sex. She's a lot better in bed than my wife!

Two days later.
Akpos to Ochuko : Well, I went on a date with her too and we had sex as well, but I still think your wife is better in bed!

Akpors just got a job as a porter in a five star hotel in Abuja.

The manager told him: "...in here we give every customer personalized services and you have to be very observant so you
know how to address their every need even before they ask"

Before the manager could finish, a couple walked through the hotel entrance and the manager quickly approached them, nicely took their baggage and said,
"Welcome Mr & Mrs James, it is our delight to have you in our hotel. Please come this way to the reception" ... and he led them to the reception.

After the couple had been taken care of, Akpos asked the manager,
"Has the couple been visiting this hotel before?"

"No" came the reply from the manager

"So how come you knew their name?" asked Akpors.

"That is why I told you to be very observant.
All I had to do was quickly look at the label on their baggage while I'm taking it from them and see the name on the tag".

"Oh, here comes another couple. Why don't you give it a try?"

"Ok" said Akpos and he hurriedly approached the couple, helped them with their luggage and said,
"Welcome Mr & Mrs MADE IN
CHINA! We are delighted to have you in our hotel..."

A woman & her son were riding in a taxi.

All the prostitutes were standing at a bus stop.

Boy : Mom, what are these women doing here ?

Mom : They are waiting for their husband.

Taxi driver : Why don't you tell him the truth, that they are hookers & have sex with men for money.

Boy : Is that true Mom ?

Mom : (Glaring hard at the driver) YES.

Kid : Mom, what happens to the babies these women have ?
.
.
.
.
.
.
Mom : They become taxi drivers...!!

Desperation is when u're in a taxi. Ur girlfriend texts u, "SEX TONIGHT ?"
.
.
.
.
You type, "YES"
Then a thief snatches ur phone through the window and instead of shouting for "HELP!"
You shout,
.
.
.
.
" Press Send.....!
..
..
Press Send!
Take away the Goddamn phone but please press Send!!!"

A mom visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl as a roommate.

During this meal, his mother couldn't help but
notice how pretty his roommate was.

She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two and this had only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there's more between him and his roommate.

Reading his mom's thought, his son volunteered,
"I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, we are just roommates."

About a week later, his roommate came to him saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver plate. You don't suppose your mother took it, do you ?

He said, "Well I doubt it, but I'll email her just to be sure!"

He sat down and wrote, Dear mom, After your visit me, the silver plate has been missing. I'm not saying that you did take the silver plate from my house, and I'm not saying that you don't take it, but the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Love,
Your son.

Several days later, he received an email from his mother which read:
Dear Son, I'm not saying that you do sleep with your roommate, and I'm not saying that you don't sleep with her, but the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have
found the silver plate by now, under her pillow.
Love,
Mom

*sharp mom*

One day Akpors goes into a pharmacy shop, reaches into his pocket and takes out a small bottle and a teaspoon.

He pours some liquid on the teaspoon and offers it to the chemist.
"Could you taste this for me, please?"

The chemist takes the teaspoon, puts it in his mouth, swirls the liquid around and swallows it.

"Does that taste sweet to you?" asks Akpors.

"No, not at all," says the chemist.

"Oh that's a relief," says Akpors.
"The doctor told
me to come here and get my urine tested for sugar."

Chemist faints...

A Ghanaian man, American man and Nigerian man were lost in a forest and were captured by cannibals.

The king of the cannibals told the three friends that they could live if... they pass a trial.

The 1st step was to go deep into the forest and get 10 pieces of the same kind of fruits.
The three men went their separate ways to gather fruits.
The Ghanaian man came back and said to the king, "I brought 10 apples".
The King explained the trial to him.
King : You have to swallow the fruits without any expression on your face or you will be killed.
The first apple went in, but on the second one, he
winced out in pain, so he was killed.

The American arrived and showed the king 10 berries. When the king explained the trial to him, he thought to himself that this should be easy.... 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8 and on the ninth berry, he
bursted out in laughter and was killed.

The Ghanaian and American met in heaven....
The Ghanaian man asked, "why did you laugh ?, you almost got away with the trial"

then the American man replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the Nigerian
man coming with Watermelons!!

Akpos in the class
Wale: I saw the strap of your bra..
TEACHER JANET: Wale!! Getout!, no class for u 4 a week!.
Johnbull started laughing
TEACHER JANET: Why did u laugh??
Johnbull : i saw both straps of your bra
TEACHER JANET: GETOUT, no class 4 u for 1 month!....
Teacher JANET bends down 2 pick chalk & Akpos started walking out of the class
TEACHER JANET: Akpos, why are you going out?
Akpos : di tin wey i see now ma, I think my school days are over!!!!!…Ojigbijigbi

Akpos died and went to heaven where he met Angel Micheal..
Akpos: “So finally I make heaven after all the rubbish wey I do for life… Thank God for God Oooh!”
Angel Micheal: “Oya come enter ya room”
Akpos: “Bros Micheal, abeg wetin dey for downstairs cos di noise na DIE”
Angel Micheal: “Na hell fire be dat
Akpos: “I fit go peep?”
Angel Micheal: “No wahala but we go lock gate by 5pm so if you no quick come back you go just stay hell fire”
…Akpos goes to peep and there he sees all the celebrities that ever lived on earth clubbing and having a lot of fun. Akpos comes back by 4pm and…”
Angel Micheal speaks: “Nice to see you back early my son you are truly a son of God”
Akpos: “For where? I come pack my load before una Lock Heaven....

A Warri tenant walked in & saw his landlord’s son trying to commit suicide & a brief conversation ensued:
Tenant: Akpos! Wetin you de do so?
Akpos: I dey try commit suicide, as Papa dey always complain say my life dey worthless!
Tenant: That one no good now… but why you come tie de rope for your waist?
Akpos: Bros, no be small thing o! I bin tie de rope for neck, I NEARLY DIE!

Akpos sat in a bar and was very moody. Sonny goes over and asks; ‘Akpos, wetin happen?’.
A very sad looking Akpos replied: ‘I borrow Rukewe N2million to do facial surgery, and now I no fit recognize am to collect my money back....