.

ileobatojo:

Bluu, don't be confused by this. The bolded outlines the clear difference between Buka's guy and yours for this particular problem. Buka's guy's case is one of do unto others as you want done to yourself. Her guy's lifestyle is to share his every life detail with his girl and he expects the same. Weird, but not abuse since it is reciprocal, one party does not have a significant upper hand over the other.

I can bet my bottom dollar that your guy, Bluu, does not share his every move with you. If he did, you would not be complaining about it. Your situations are not the same. Don't get sidetracked.

Ile,

Why are you on my case na?

I told her that so that she can analyze properly. No two relationship is the same but some certain signs are universal and mean the same thing

It's good people always view everything in a whole before taking decisions. My guy is more like 'hi babe, I am on my way to work; back from work; to my friend's place; to church; to market' etc. If someone heard him ask me 'where are you' without hearing where he talks would think this guy 'abuses' his girl or is too controlling.

I want people to differentiate between abuse and individual differences

bukatyne:

Ile,

Why are you on my case na?

Because what you're saying could lead a fragile, emotional, not very astute female to end up with an abuser. This girl is already more likely to end up with this guy than not. Your's and Nashville's misleading examples could well put her farther in the wrong direction. So that's why I'm quickly helping her draw the distinctions between her situation and you guys'.

bukatyne:

I want people to differentiate between abuse and individual differences

So do I. Bluu's case is abuse. If you put the excessive calling and interrogations together with the sex threat, the text threats when she doesn't pick up her phone, it's easy to see where this is going.

bukatyne:

Ile,

Why are you on my case na?

Not on your case per se. Just some differences of opinion, daz all!

bukatyne:

Ile,

Why are you on my case na?

I told her that so that she can analyze properly. No two relationship is the same but some certain signs are universal and mean the same thing

It's good people always view everything in a whole before taking decisions. My guy is more like 'hi babe, I am on my way to work; back from work; to my friend's place; to church; to market' etc. If someone heard him ask me 'where are you' without hearing where he talks would think this guy 'abuses' his girl or is too controlling.

I want people to differentiate between abuse and individual differences

I am sure you got a first class in school. If you didn't then I award you one. I do not buy this idea that if a guy calls five times a day to ask where you are and what you are doing, then it is a clear sign of abuse. Lets be real, shouldn't he ask? Whenever, I call my wife my first questions are whats up, how are you and where are you in that order. And if is in a strange place, I ask what are you doing there? Please how is that abuse? And she does same to me.

There are signs the poster should watch out for, e.g. the threat of violence but I am not clear how long they have dated and how often he says this thing. All she said was ONE DAY, he told me bla, bla, bla. May be it was once, may be more than once I am not sure. For me, I think she should deny him sex the next time and even more frequently sef so that she can see the true him. She might just be scared of the guy because of age, simple. May be the guy is 35!

ileobatojo:

Because what you're saying could lead a fragile, emotional, not very astute female to end up with an abuser. This girl is already more likely to end up with this guy than not. Your's and Nashville's misleading examples could well put her farther in the wrong direction. So that's why I'm quickly helping her draw the distinctions between her situation and you guys'.



So do I. Bluu's case is abuse. If you put the excessive calling and interrogations together with the sex threat, the text threats when she doesn't pick up her phone, it's easy to see where this is going.




Not on your case per se. Just some differences of opinion, daz all!

That's why we have you

I 100% agree that there is a thin line between these things and sometimes, it's so difficult to see it.

I am sure our various posts would help her put things in perspective

Ujujoan:

You . . . check your e-mail. I sent u an email siiiiiiiiiiince

Abeg No vex. I never check that mail in forever. Oya check

Nashville:

I am sure you got a first class in school. If you didn't then I award you one. I do not buy this idea that if a guy calls five times a day to ask where you are and what you are doing, then it is a clear sign of abuse. Lets be real, shouldn't he ask? Whenever, I call my wife my first questions are whats up, how are you and where are you in that order. And if is in a strange place, I ask what are you doing there? Please how is that abuse? And she does same to me.

There are signs the poster should watch out for, e.g. the threat of violence but I am not clear how long they have dated and how often he says this thing. All she said was ONE DAY, he told me bla, bla, bla. May be it was once, may be more than once I am not sure. For me, I think she should deny him sex the next time and even more frequently sef so that she can see the true him. She might just be scared of the guy because of age, simple. May be the guy is 35!

By the powers vested in me, I Nashville hereby confer an honorary 1st class degree on Bukatyne!

Yeah! My Pali don increase

35? Is that the magic age?

I get ileobatojo's point anyways.

bukatyne:

By the powers vested in me, I Nashville hereby confer an honorary 1st class degree on Bukatyne!

Yeah! My Pali don increase

35? Is that the magic age?

I get ileobatojo's point anyways.

I get her point too, but I am not sure this is a clear case of run for your life!

Datsall!

The use of threats to invoke fear and instill compliance is not abuse?

Hmmmmm....interesting

ileobatojo:

Bluu, don't be confused by this. The bolded outlines the clear difference between Buka's guy and yours for this particular problem. Buka's guy's case is one of do unto others as you want done to yourself. Her guy's lifestyle is to share his every life detail with his girl and he expects the same. Weird, but not abuse since it is reciprocal, one party does not have a significant upper hand over the other.

I can bet my bottom dollar that your guy, Bluu, does not share his every move with you. If he did, you would not be complaining about it. Your situations are not the same. Don't get sidetracked.

I gave you one 'like' and I wish there was a 'thumb up' sign as well.

That aside, I will also like to add that it's only insecurity that would make a man call often to enquire about his girl's whereabout or a case of one of those love-strucked teens.

I don't call my 'oyoyo' often. it does not mean I don't care but I have grown to understand that respective parties have their seperate lives and ambitions which needs to be attended to; therefore that space should be accorded to them. I could stay a week without a call or call once a week. It just depends on my state of mind or due to busy schedules.

The only thing that would make me call often is IF her phone has been switched off for too long. I would then try to find out why or what went wrong. Once that's clear, I don't ask where have you been, what have you been doing... Blah blah.. Aside that, I revert to my usual frequency.

Na when I just dey start na hin I dey do all those ye ye calling like 3 times a day. LMAO @my foolishness at that time.

So, I wonder why Bluuu's man would call so often only to enquire about less than trivial issues.

Sisi_Kill: The use of threats to invoke fear and instill compliance is not abuse?

Hmmmmm....interesting

that's really un-called for and he is possibly doing it so could control her like a remote and demand anything from her at will, which I do not sunscribe to.

Human rights of freedom should be respected as long as the recipient does not abuse the privilege.

2s£xy:


that's really un-called for and he is possibly doing it so could control her like a remote and demand anything from her at will, which I do not sunscribe to.

Human rights of freedom should be respected as long as the recipient does not abuse the privilege.

You said it all.

Sisi_Kill: The use of threats to invoke fear and instill compliance is not abuse?

Hmmmmm....interesting

Sisi o!

As to Nashville saying he only said it one time, I wonder how many times one needs to threaten someone to have sex with you before it becomes unacceptable.

The reason he has only said it once is because she has fallen in line and complied! No, it is not ok for him to say it (seriously at that) just once!

As for this test Nashville has sent Bluu to go and perform, me I'm not a party to it. Even Nashville cannot assure you that your bones will still be in their natural position at the end of the test.

Again Nashville has said how he and his wife reciprocally call each other a million times a day, Bluu should try serially calling her guy and badgering him about details of where with whom, for how long, why blah blah blah and see how well received that is. So she too can quickly see that she is not on the same level. Please come back and tell Nashville how it went.

*In truth, you don't need to do anymore testing. You just need to start distancing yourself from him. Period*

2s£xy:


I gave you one 'like' and I wish there was a 'thumb up' sign as well.

Who are you and where's the real 2sexy?

Thanks!

2s£xy:


I gave you one 'like' and I wish there was a 'thumb up' sign as well.

That aside, I will also like to add that it's only insecurity that would make a man call often to enquire about his girl's whereabout or a case of one of those love-strucked teens.

I don't call my 'oyoyo' often. it does not mean I don't care but I have grown to understand that respective parties have their seperate lives and ambitions which needs to be attended to; therefore that space should be accorded to them. I could stay a week without a call or call once a week. It just depends on my state of mind or due to busy schedules.

The only thing that would make me call often is IF her phone has been switched off for too long. I would then try to find out why or what went wrong. Once that's clear, I don't ask where have you been, what have you been doing... Blah blah.. Aside that, I revert to my usual frequency.

Na when I just dey start na hin I dey do all those ye ye calling like 3 times a day. LMAO @my foolishness at that time.

So, I wonder why Bluuu's man would call so often only to enquire about less than trivial issues.

2Sexy,

The fact that you do not see the need to call your girl 247 doesn't mean that the man is insecure or they do not live separate lives.

However, I understand that most abusers that use calls to monitor/intimidate their victims

Let us separate individual differences from abuse

ileobatojo:

Who are you and where's the real 2sexy?

Thanks!

Was wondering the same thing too!

ileobatojo:

Who are you and where's the real 2sexy?

Thanks!

He's the real 2sexy... He has like 12 ID's... 2sexy.us

nbright: He's the real 2sexy... He has like 12 ID's... 2sexy.us

Don't blame me. Na Oga at the top cause the varieties of handle after he gave me 10 yrs prison sentence on my real 2sexy.

As for those wondering what happened, I wonder what you me.

ileobatojo:

You hear that Bluu? He has not beat you yet. Please stay put and wait for obvious abusive traits, alright? Obvious traits like broken ribs, bleeding into the brain, coma or death, okay? I mean, what could be more obvious than these?

Why pay attention to the early signs of emotional abuse when you can just wait till some of your internal organs are ruptured?

Please wait, I'm begging you. Stay there for now.

Wow this is sarcasm at it's best...@blue i'll advice you to re-evaluate your relationship with your boyfriend....
....truth is no decent guy threatns their girlfriend/fiancee/wife like that regardless of how 'casually' he says it(na so e dey start)..
.....his behaviour is definately a red-flag which i would not ignore if i were you my dear no matter how loving he appears to be now.
....As a matter you should tell an older family member about your relationship with this guy and then take it from there...cheers.

ileobatojo:

You hear that Bluu? He has not beat you yet. Please stay put and wait for obvious abusive traits, alright? Obvious traits like broken ribs, bleeding into the brain, coma or death, okay? I mean, what could be more obvious than these?

Why pay attention to the early signs of emotional abuse when you can just wait till some of your internal organs are ruptured?

Please wait, I'm begging you. Stay there for now.

u dis woman abi na lady eh.....

ileobatojo:

*In truth, you don't need to do anymore testing. You just need to start distancing yourself from him. Period*

Dear Ileobatojo,

I have followed your posts here on this section for a while now and I have to say I sense there is something wrong somewhere within you.
You either are a feminist who has gone fanatical about it or you have had a real bad experience with men before.
I feel hatred and anger within you towards men and it is becoming uncontrollable for u.

If a man threatens you once to slap you probably because of some thing you have said or done but didn't go ahead to do it, will you honestly call it quit?
Can you honestly tell us how you manage your relationship/marriage if you are in one?

Are you of the opinion that any man who gets angry and says words out of anger or frustration is an abuser??
Can you tell this house what your definition of abuse is? Cos it seems your definition is different from ours.
Be it as it may, can you share part of your experience with us here so we learn where you are coming from?
I do hope u read this with objectivity and give me a good reply.

PS. Loosen up woman, life is short, enjoy it while it lasts.

kay jasper:

Dear Ileobatojo,

I have followed your posts here on this section for a while now and I have to say I dense there is something wrong somewhere within you.
You either are a feminist who has gone fanatical about it or you have had a real bad experience with men before.


I feel hatred and anger within you towards men and it is becoming uncontrollable for u.


If a man threatens you once to slap you probably because of some thing you have said or done but didn't go ahead to do it, will you honestly call it quit?
Can you honestly tell us how you manage your relationship/marriage if you are in one?

Are you of the opinion that any man who gets angry and says words out of anger or frustration is an abuser??
Can you tell this house what your definition of abuse is? Cos it seems your definition is different from ours.
Be it as it may, can you share part of your experience with us here so we learn where you are coming from?
I do hope u read this with objectivity and give me a good reply.

PS. Loosen up woman, life is short, enjoy it while it lasts.

Rotfl! Who is this?

Anyway, the bolded tells me you're not insightful, that you lack objectivity and credibility. I see no reason to waste my time any further. Thanks and have a good day.

**If at any point, you would like to be educated about abuse without the assumptions and questionable conclusions about my person, I'll be happy to engage you.**

^^^^Tee hee hee

On a serious note, this why sometimes the whole "Didn't you know he was abusive before marriage?" is not applicable. You have someone who has been told if she refuses the man in her life sex, he will beat her up and people are telling her to stay after all he is has not done it yet. If tomorrow she comes and says her husband/boyfriend always beats up because she didn't lay down with legs wide open as soon as he said "let's go there" some people will say "He must have shown his abusive before marriage but because of your desperation, you ignored the signs" I tell ya, one can go stark raving mad trying to figure out what is what.

While I understand Nashville's reluctance to say "Leave him/Her" to everyone who comes here with one story or the other, I think it would have been better if he had told her how to approach her guy, to tell him that that kinda talk is scary, that even though she knows he might not mean it....she wishes he won't say things like that. Besides, why would she wanna refuse him! This hunk of a man who is all hers. Oh how he makes her hot all over...Oh la la, hubba hubba ^{"grrrrrrooooooowls"}....as opposed to telling her she should refuse the guy sex and sees what happens.

I mean that is like me...going to the zoo where there is a huge sign that says "DO NOT GO BEYOND THIS POINT, FEROCIOUS LION ON THE LOOSE" and I say "Ah, please....A lion has never bitten me before, so I'll ignore the warning and go beyond this point". Sure the warning could be a false alarm and instead of ferocious lion I am met with a gentle toothless lamb but it still doesn't make my decision to test the limits especially after a big ol' warning a sensible one now does it?!! Heck I am sure by the time people hear what I did, I would wish there had been a lion beyond that point....at least when I am dead, I won't have to see the "WTF?!! Are you Insane or just really really stupid" look on people's faces.

Yeah, the "Lemme see you do your worst" approach is NOT the best way to go in this scenario.

@ Bluuu
I've always assumed people can pal around with they person they are sleeping with (Can't imagine how one has sex with someone they can't joke with or scared to voice their opinions to....isn't the familiarity part of the intimacy that leads to sex?!! ), Anyhoo, going on that assumption, I say one day, when you guys are in a lovey dovey mode, brings this issue up....tell him you wanna ask him what he meant when he said he would beat you up if you refuse him sex. Let him know how so not right that kinda talk is and even though you can't envision a scenario where you will ever refuse him because you want him every moment of every day....he has to leave room from the unexpected. Besides, isn't the love making supposed to be better when both party wants it?! You don't hafta say it like that but just talk to him, let him understand why he can't say things like that.

kay jasper:

Dear Ileobatojo,

I have followed your posts here on this section for a while now and I have to say I sense there is something wrong somewhere within you.
You either are a feminist who has gone fanatical about it or you have had a real bad experience with men before.
I feel hatred and anger within you towards men and it is becoming uncontrollable for u.

If a man threatens you once to slap you probably because of some thing you have said or done but didn't go ahead to do it, will you honestly call it quit?
Can you honestly tell us how you manage your relationship/marriage if you are in one?

Are you of the opinion that any man who gets angry and says words out of anger or frustration is an abuser??
Can you tell this house what your definition of abuse is? Cos it seems your definition is different from ours.
Be it as it may, can you share part of your experience with us here so we learn where you are coming from?
I do hope u read this with objectivity and give me a good reply.

PS. Loosen up woman, life is short, enjoy it while it lasts.

Its scary that some people make time to follow every post of others. Na wah. The silent Nairalander/stalkers/sideliners. . When ever i see "i have been following your posts for some time...." i start laughing. That means they have had enough of being in the shadows. . Funny stuff.

Lmao @ ile atleast I am not being followed anymore by that guy Kay_kasper na guy oooo don't be deceived by the (f) next to the user id. If you are lucky he might start up a thread like this-----------> https://www.nairaland.com/1029176/jennykadry-thread for you

That illegal thread, and to think your mod @royal Roy was busy supporting an 'illegal thread'

jennykadry: Lmao @ ile atleast I am not being followed anymore by that guy Kay_kasper na guy oooo don't be deceived by the (f) next to the user id. If you are lucky he might start up a thread like this-----------> https://www.nairaland.com/1029176/jennykadry-thread for you

That illegal thread, and to think your mod @royal Roy was busy supporting an 'illegal thread'

And @royal roy had been "their mod" as far back as 2012 right?

So what if I supported him/her back then?

What's with the name calling?

Let's not derail this thread again abeg.

ROTFLMFAO you did have good pre mod qualities

jennykadry: ROTFLMFAO you did have good pre mod qualities

Yea I guess.

jennykadry: Lmao @ ile atleast I am not being followed anymore by that guy Kay_kasper na guy oooo don't be deceived by the (f) next to the user id. If you are lucky he might start up a thread like this-----------> https://www.nairaland.com/1029176/jennykadry-thread for you

That illegal thread, and to think your mod @royal Roy was busy supporting an 'illegal thread'

Good lord! A chronic stalker/aproko with gender identity issues? Lmao!

baby_123:



Its scary that some people make time to follow every post of others. Na wah. The silent Nairalander/stalkers/sideliners. . When ever i see "i have been following your posts for some time...." i start laughing. That means they have had enough of being in the shadows. . Funny stuff.

Imagine? He's not even a good stalker. If he were, he would have known I wouldn't give such a craptastic post the time of day.

Baby123, you might be the next target. Berra watch your back!

Pls, I want to be followed oh .

Who will follow me na .

Sissi kill, you nailed it. But one thing I discovered here is that some people thinks being abused means the person loves and wants to correct you. Most times if you do something wrong.
And also, most family uses violence as a corrective means, hence it's no problem for them and they won't term it abuse.
So the nairaland definition of abuse is different.

If you speak right on what it should be they term you feminist, not married, unhappy....etc.

Anyway, for the ones that want to hear, "just endure and pray for him" sure you will here it from those you choose to hear from.

After all , marriage na achievement for nairaland

alutacontinua:

Was wondering the same thing too!

you care tell me what you mean? Why do you sound surprise?

@Bluuu
I'm convinced beyond all reasonable doubt that your boyfriend is abusive. You don't have to be a victim before taking action o, I think you should run NOW. This issue might seem simple, you might think he calls you frequently Because he loves you or that he doesn't want you to deny him your body for same reason But I'll tell you again and again that if you don't leave, you'd have yourself to blame.